I can't refuse. That is, of course, I try to say no politely, but I very rarely succeed. Usually, all my attempts to politely refuse and at the same time not hurt the person end either with an insult or with the phrase “well, I’ll see what can be done.” The most extreme case - it . I don't know if a lie is small, good or half true. This is an even more difficult question.
constantly deceive - not a very good way out, which in the end will still lead to a conflict, since you will finally get confused and lie.
How to refuse your boss, who once again asks you to stay after work? How to say a firm “no” to your relatives so that they are not offended? How do you let your friends know that you can't help them right now?
In fact, there are a lot of options, we just don't know about them.
Your offer sounds very tempting, but unfortunately I have too much to do right now.
With the phrase “this sounds very tempting”, you make it clear to the person that his offer is of interest to you. And the second part says that you would love to participate (or help), but at the moment you have too many urgent tasks.
A beautiful refusal, but from my own experience I can say that for close friends or relatives, it will do it once or twice, and even then not in a row. If you refuse them in this way for the third time, the fourth time no one will offer you anything. This is especially true for picnics and other recreational activities.
Remember, once or twice - and then either change your social circle (for some reason you constantly refuse them?), or finally go somewhere. Suddenly you like it?
But for people you don't see that often, this answer is perfect.
I'm sorry, but the last time I did this or that, I had a negative experience
Mental or emotional trauma - another interesting option. Only a sadist will continue to insist that a person do what he did not like. Or a complete optimist with the slogan “What if the second time will be better?!”.
Although with some grandmothers trying to feed their emaciated offspring, the answers “I don’t eat meat,” “I’m lactose intolerant,” or “I don’t like boiled vegetables” do not work.
But if you say that the last time after you drank milk, you could not be in society all day because of stomach problems, you might be saved. Grandma, of course, will look at you a little askance and with a slight reproach, but she will not pour it into a cup with the words: “Well, this is homemade, from Aunt Klava, nothing will come of him!”.
I'd love to, but...
Another good way to say no. You would love to help, but unfortunately you can't at the moment. Just don't go into lengthy explanations of why.
First, starting to explain something in detail, you gradually begin to feel. And secondly, in this way you give the person the opportunity to cling to something in your story and persuade you.
Just a short and clear answer. No essays on the topic "I would love to, but you understand, I need to do ...".
To be honest, I'm not very good at this. Why don't you ask N, he's a pro at this
This is by no means a translation of the arrows.
If you've been asked to do something or help with advice, and you don't feel competent enough, why not suggest someone who really understands it? So you will not only not offend a person, but also show that you care and you are trying to help in any way you can.
I can't do it, but I'll be happy to help with…
On the one hand, you refuse to do what they are trying to impose on you, on the other - still help and at the same time choose what you want to do.
You look great, but I don't quite get it
What to do if a friend bought a dress that, to put it mildly, does not really suit her. Here the dilemma "who is more friend" arises. - the one to tell the truth, or the one to say she looks great in all the outfits?! This applies not only to appearance, but also to the choice of an apartment, work and life partner, after all.
But who are we to talk freely about fashion? If we were, for example, well-known designers, then we could criticize and immediately offer several other options to choose from.
And if not? Then either say everything as it is, if you are sure of the adequacy of a girlfriend or friend, or transfer the arrows to some celebrity from the world.
It sounds great! But now, unfortunately, I have a very tight schedule. Let me call you...
This answer is great when the option is interesting, but right now you're really not in a position to help. So you not only do not offend the person, but also leave for yourself the opportunity to join the offer that interests you a little later.
Even at lectures on psychology at the university, we were taught that it is necessary to refuse, starting a sentence with the word “yes”, and then adding the notorious “but”.
It works, though not always. It all depends on the situation and the person. You won’t be able to play around for a long time and sooner or later you will have to explain why it’s still “no”.
But if you are diplomatic and firm enough, then over time people will know that if you refuse, it’s not because you’re just too lazy or you don’t want to have anything to do with them, but because you are a very busy person and you will definitely you can, but a little later. In the end, people must learn to respect you and your opinion. As well as you - someone else's.
Have you recently received an invitation to a party that you don't want to go to? Believe me, your feelings are familiar to many! In most cases, you can refuse an invitation and still maintain a good friendship with the organizer of the event. However, sometimes refusing an invitation can cause misunderstandings between you. However, if you do this as quickly and politely as possible, you can avoid misunderstandings, whether you're invited to an outing with friends or a formal meeting.
Steps
Refusal of an invitation to a formal event
-
Report your answer in the correct form. If you received an email invitation, you can also send your response via email or a private message on a social network. If you received an invitation to an informal event in writing, send the event organizer a postcard with your response. You can also call or send a message if the invitation includes the phone number of the event organizer.
Report your denial as soon as possible. If the invitation says you need to respond to an event, please do so as soon as possible. If, upon receiving an invitation, you understand that you will not be able to attend the event, please notify the organizer immediately. If the invitation does not indicate that you need to respond about your participation in the event, inform the organizer that you will not be attending by choosing the most appropriate method.
Write your answer in writing. Thank the event organizer for the invitation. Express your regret that you will not be able to attend, and also wish you success in organizing the event. Say that you will enjoy spending time together next time. Don't change your answer! Stick to your original decision.
Be honest about the reason for your refusal. If for some reason you are unable to attend the event, please tell the organizer. If you don't want to talk about the reason for refusing the invitation, just politely decline without going into details.
Send a gift and a note of congratulations, if appropriate. If the event is being organized for a birthday, graduation, wedding, or the birth of a child, send a small gift of congratulations after expressing regret that you will not be able to attend the event.
Refusing an invitation to an informal event
In today's world, the ability to refuse is valuable, as is the ability to come to the rescue. Having once agreed that it is unpleasant or undesirable to do, a person runs the risk that he will be bothered to fulfill this request repeatedly.
Those who are not ready to make a return gesture will seek help without remorse.
It happens that a person, having a trouble-free comrade nearby, constantly shifts part of his obligations to him. Not everyone can say “no” culturally and competently. Consider the basic phrases that help politely refuse a person without offending him:
- outright refusal. The method will become an effective refusal of a request to an annoying friend. You should not look for excuses for not fulfilling the request - this will cause doubt in the asker.
- Sympathetic rejection. This type is suitable for people seeking a feeling of regret with their requests. It would seem that it is impossible to get past the situation, but even here there will be an option to delicately reject the request, saying "I'm sorry, but I can't help."
- Delayed Rejection. The option will come in handy for people who absolutely cannot say “no”. If for a person, refusal is considered a whole drama, we suggest postponing it for a while.
The answers “I need to consult”, “I will give an answer later when I return from vacation” can be beautifully refused to arrogant interlocutors.
- Reasonable Refusal. The essence of this method is to announce the real reason. For example, it is necessary to go to the cinema with the child, go to the country to the mother, attend a solemn event.
This type is suitable for refusing to meet, while for persuasiveness it is desirable to name 2-3 reasons.
- Diplomatic refusal. The method is suitable for polite, reserved people who offer an alternative in return. Correctly refuse with the phrase "I can not help, but I have a friend who deals with this issue."
- Compromise refusal. Suitable for people who always help those who ask. Properly offering a compromise, you can turn the situation in your favor.
If the interlocutor asks to sit with the child all day, answer: "I can sit with the baby, but only from 12 to 17 hours, due to the fact that I already have things planned."
Know that you can't say no to everyone. There will always be people who need the help and location of outsiders. Therefore, it is important to distinguish between those who really need help and those who simply want to shift their circumstances onto the shoulders of another person.
Options for different situations
Quite often it happens that a person has to do what he does not want to do. Situations surround people all the time: colleagues, boss, relatives, children, friends. In such a case, it is important to show confidence, while remaining in a good relationship.
Note! The most common request is for money. Having loaned funds to a person once, you can expect that he will come with a request again.
Psychologists agree that constant reliability is fraught with stress, headaches, and insomnia. The main problem of such people is the reduction of time to satisfy their own needs, as well as the inability to live a personal life, to fulfill their dreams.
Askers appear from everywhere, they cannot be refused or offended, so you have to agree. Consider possible situations and their solutions.
| Situation | Decision |
| Colleague asks for help | Explain to the obsessive employee that employees in the company have a range of their jobs, and doing other things will result in wasted time |
| Refusal to an unfamiliar person asking for a visit | Justify the refusal, in the absence of a priority of communication with a newly-made interlocutor, feel free to say a categorical “no” |
| Negative response to relatives | Explain to parents or other family members that your own life has needs |
| Refusal of requests to superiors | Refer to the employment contract if the assigned obligations exceed their due number |
| Asking for money | Explain the reason for the refusal, and also formulate the correct answer, for example: “I cannot borrow money because I plan to spend a lot of money” |
Saying "no" to an obsessive stranger is easy - in this case, the need to value communication, authority or one's position disappears. Another thing is to give a negative answer to those with whom you don’t want discord in a relationship. When forming your opt-out, pay attention to the following undesirable actions:
- Do not look at the interlocutor and speak incomprehensible phrases. Then the opponent will get the impression that the person refuses, looking for all sorts of excuses for refusal.
- Constantly apologize. If, after a negative answer, remorse will torment you, you should not show this to your interlocutor. So you will contribute to his conclusions about guilt.
- Talk too much. Such a move may arouse suspicion that a person is being deceived, trying to tell him a lie.
- Operate with a large number of arguments. Maximum - 2 reasons for refusal, otherwise it will give the impression that other arguments were thought out on the go.
- Promise too good an alternative. Rid your opponent of false hope. If a good alternative is not expected, it is better to refuse immediately.
There is always the option of partial refusal - a good way if you do not want to spoil your relationship with a person. It implies putting forward its own conditions, which the opponent must accept in order to reach a consensus.
Important! Do not promise a person golden options if you cannot fulfill the request - this will worsen your reputation, bring discord in communication, spoil your authority.
A correct, polite refusal is the key to a long-term calm relationship. Learn to do it right and only when you really can't help the person.
Useful video
- Similar posts
Saying goodbye is a real art. It is especially difficult to say “no” to those on whom work, career, earnings depend. How to make sure that rejection not only does not damage relationships at work, but also strengthens them?
Logistics specialist Margarita Krylova suffers from her own inability to say “no”: “Even at school, everyone who was not lazy was writing off from me. I constantly remained on duty or carried out instructions from the class teacher.
Now Margarita is being exploited at work. If you need to go out on a day off, call her. On negotiations with absurd clients - she too. In addition, she insures colleagues who are late for work, trains newcomers and answers calls in the absence of an office manager. “I curse both my bosses and my colleagues to myself, but I’m afraid to say “no” out loud. Because I have such a good reputation. And the boss appreciates me, and my colleagues, ”Ms. Krylova justifies herself and continues to be torn apart.
To be or not to be
In order to understand which requests are worth fulfilling and which ones should be subject to a categorical veto, one must answer (first of all, oneself) a few questions.
The first question is: who needs it? If the work of the entire company depends on whether the request is fulfilled or not, it is definitely worth doing. Even if it's not your responsibility. In particular, this applies to situations where a company has a chance to get an important client, win a tender, or, on the contrary, risk losing a large amount of money. The authorities, as a rule, do not forget those who did not fail in difficult times.
Question two: "Can I refuse the one who asks?". In some companies, requests from superiors are not discussed. Although in this case it is not clear why they are called requests.
Question three: “what will I get by fulfilling the request?” / “what will I lose by not fulfilling the request?”. As already mentioned, a person who is ready to meet others halfway receives a lot of good things because of his reliability - gratitude, trust and, importantly, the opportunity to voice a counter request. And, on the contrary, ruthlessly and categorically refusing to neighbors, a person loses a good attitude towards himself. If the employee does not get any of the above "carrots" from the applicant (or is not needed), you can safely refuse.
And the fourth question, the answer to which can cross out all the previous ones: “what will I lose by fulfilling the request?”. If the quality of the performance of one's own duties, personal money, health, family or freedom is at stake, it is worth finding the correct way to refuse.
Psychologists identify two main mistakes of those who refuse: an overly veiled “no” and an unreasoned refusal.
In the first case, a misunderstanding may arise, and the asker will decide that he was answered with consent. The best way to refuse a request is to honestly say "I won't do it". So that the asker does not have illusions and false hopes.
For especially reverent persons, it is also worth reporting the motive for your refusal. Explain that this is not personal, but only a desire to do your job well. For if you do the work of others, who will do yours?
An unreasoned refusal gives the applicant the impression that he is being refused just like that. And this can lead to conflict. If the boss turns out to be asking, the emphasis in the argument should be on the good of the company. This not only smooths out the refusal, but also characterizes the “refusenik” as a professional.
If a colleague makes a request, it is better to honestly state the reason for the refusal. Of course, if it is strong enough and there is no reason to hide it (say, we are not talking about something deeply personal or about third parties). In some cases, it is safer to shift the responsibility for the refusal to another (“the boss filled me up with work”). And even better on the circumstances (“I won’t be able to replace you tomorrow - I won’t be in the city”). At the same time, it will not be superfluous to lament on this score, so that the asker does not have any doubts that he is being refused not of his own free will.
"I'd love to, but..."
One of the win-win options, if the boss is the petitioner, is to show your work plan for the near future and invite the boss to independently determine to the detriment of what the request will be fulfilled. If this technique does not work, suggest to the leader the candidacies of those to whom this can be delegated.
There is a general method called "terry formalism". As part of this method, orders from superiors are accepted and issued only in writing and with a signature: yes, I will, but please draw up an appropriate order. In this case, the bosses prefer to give the task to someone else, rather than bother compiling such pieces of paper. True, it is better to apply this method in large and bureaucratic structures.
Do not refuse, Mr. Chief
Inconvenient requests are faced not only by subordinates who are pestered by superiors, but also by managers who are approached by employees. Should I refuse in this case?
If a subordinate came with a delicate issue or a serious problem, then he asks to take part in his affairs not the head personally, but the company in which they both work. In such a situation, it is better to meet the requester and get an extremely loyal employee. If the manager, for one reason or another, cannot fulfill the request of the subordinate, you can use the tactic "it does not depend on me." At the same time, the boss does not refuse, but tells the ward that he should consult with higher authorities. And some time later, with chagrin, he reports that "he himself would gladly agree, but the authorities disagree."
In any case, it is advisable for the boss to avoid conflict situations and, in addition, politely refuse. Especially if a valuable specialist comes with a request. Even if in the end he will have to hear a refusal, it is better to voice it after strong arguments and a few laudatory phrases: “We appreciate you very much”, “Your contribution to the work of the company is significant” ...
Lastly, general advice. Whoever and under what circumstances would not have to refuse, for starters, you should put yourself in the place of the one asking and look at the situation from his bell tower. In this case, even a categorical “no” will sound as polite and inoffensive as possible.
The main mistakes that "refuseniks" make:
Rejection too aggressively
Rushing to say "no" instead of preparing the asker for rejection
Don't justify rejection
They don't offer an alternative
Denial too veiled
Acceptable opt-out methods
Be honest about the reason for the rejection« Unfortunately, I won't be able to do it because…”
Suggest an alternative“Today I have absolutely no time, but I think I can fulfill your request tomorrow”
Complain about the lack of knowledge/skills/competence/powers necessary to fulfill the request“It is unlikely that the company will get the desired result if I, an engineer of the third category, will be the interpreter at the negotiations”, “According to the job description, I do not have the authority to perform these functions”
Transfer responsibility for refusal to a third party/circumstances“I would love to, but my immediate supervisor does not approve of this”, “I would be happy to leave my vacation earlier, but the ticket office does not want to change my tickets”
TOTAL: Before voicing a refusal, it is worth considering whether it is better to fulfill the request. If the decision is made, the refusal should be reasoned, polite, but categorical.
Many people are completely unable to refuse, while others skillfully use this, turning into manipulators. It is not right. You need to learn to refuse competently and politely, but at the same time firmly and unambiguously.
Before you learn how to refuse, you should find out the reason why people do not know how to refuse and fulfill every request, although this greatly hinders them in life. Most often, people are afraid to say no, because they are not sure that friendship will survive after rejection. This is a completely wrong position, since it is impossible to earn either friendship or, even more so, respect by constant self-sacrifice.
How to politely refuse a person
There are three main failure techniques, which will be discussed in detail below.
Refuse without saying no
Sometimes, the simpler and more accessible the answer to the request is formulated, the faster the petitioner will understand the futility of his demands. A simple refusal is to say the word "no." However, many find it difficult to refuse directly, or subordination does not allow this. In these cases, it is worth using the soft failure technique.
soft rejection
The use of this method makes it possible to somewhat smooth out the categorical failure. In order to politely refuse people, at the first stage it is necessary to show attentiveness and courtesy to the petitioner. If his question is not entirely clear, you need to clarify everything was done. Is there anyway to help him? If this is not possible, then it is necessary to say softly that this matter is in the competence of another person, and you do not have time, and you will not be able to help. It is worth emphasizing that when you say no, you are very sorry. You need to prepare for the fact that the petitioner will begin to put pressure on pity or threaten. In this situation, in no case should one engage in polemics, but only repeat the refusal.
mixed rejection
This method is somewhat reminiscent of the technique of dealing with customer objections in a sale. Using this method, you can fight back even the most capable manipulator. The only condition is complete calm during the conversation and a firm intention to defend your point of view. In a dialogue with a persistent requester, it is very effective to repeat his last phrases - this is one of the methods of how to refuse without saying no. The thing is that repetitions make the manipulator understand that the refusal is not related to the fact that the person did not understand the request.
When you refuse, you must always remember that by making such a decision, you are only defending your own opinion, and do not violate anyone's rights at all.
How to refuse a request
Sometimes it is very difficult for us to refuse a person, especially when he insists on your help. You are faced with a choice: refuse, offending a person, or fulfill a request, but get a lot of difficulties and problems. At the same time, quite often we choose the second option, and, going out of our skin, we fulfill the request of a person.
If the applicant is offended by your refusal, think about why he does this. There are times when someone does you a favor and then expects you to take a step back. At the same time, his request is actually a demand that is dressed up as a request only out of politeness. This is a very difficult situation, so try not to get caught up in such difficult situations, and never ask a person for a favor if you know that he may require something in return soon. In such cases, you can offer the person some kind of alternative, that is, help in a different form.
If a person asks for something too insistently, then, as a rule, this is an ordinary manipulator. Basically, such people are not able to provide assistance, and in principle, you will not expect any serious services from them. Perhaps you have already helped him once, so he turns to you again. And if you fulfill his request this time, he will ask you for more, more and more ad infinitum.
You can not explain the reasons for the refusal, this is your right, but, unfortunately, very often the person who asks starts arguing with you, you can even lie, which is unpleasant, just to finish this question. No need to sit and make excuses in front of a person, just say that you cannot fulfill his request, and that's it.
If it is inconvenient for you to refuse, but you are not able to fulfill his request, then you can offer the person who asks to help resolve the issue in a different way. Be sure to start the conversation by saying that you would really like to help him, but given the circumstances, you can't do it right now. But you can help in another way, and you will do it with pleasure. Perhaps such a refusal will be accepted positively, and you will not ruin your relationship with this person.
Remember, no one has the right to force you to do something. If you decide to refuse the request, refuse boldly, perhaps this person will be offended by you later, but you need to choose what is convenient for you - to survive the insult of this person or get a lot of problems and troubles.
How to say no to a manager
Does your boss load you with a lot of extra work? How not to be taken advantage of and not get fired at the same time? How to refuse a leader? Most employees ask themselves these questions at least once in their lives. It turns out that you just need to learn how to say “no”. If, at the very beginning of your work, you let your boss know that you know how to refuse, then in the future he will not have a desire to load you with tasks overtime.
You need to understand the reasons for this behavior of your leader. Take a look around. Do your colleagues stay late after work, or does your boss consider you the only weak link? In the first case, you have to choose: whether to join the workers or leave the company, since it will be difficult to go against the team. Perhaps he decided that you simply could not refuse him. And with all this, he does not doubt your professionalism and, perhaps, considers one of the best. He would hardly entrust important work to a bad employee.
Having established the cause, you may well demand a promotion or an increase in your salary. The leader himself must take care of this, but practice shows that this happens extremely rarely.
As if casually ask if the additional load will be paid. You should show the manager that you respect yourself and your work and will not work for free. Therefore, when you are loaded with additional work, ask what kind of additional payment you will be given after it is completed.
In no case do not show your fear of the leader, he is the same person as you, and, of course, you can also negotiate with him. Refuse to work overtime by reminding your manager of an employment contract that carefully spells out your work schedule.
It is possible that the boss does not remember that a certain type of work is not included in your job responsibilities. Tell him about it in a polite way, and most likely the incident will be over. Rejection is not as difficult as it seems.
To turn down a manager, explain to him the next time he comes up to you with a request that you are already busy with work, and the additional workload may affect the quality. It is possible that at the moment it is more important for him to complete the work with which he turned to you, and current tasks can be postponed.
If you can't find a common language with your leader, and you still don't know how to refuse a leader, then in the end, the world has not converged on one organization like a wedge. Leave this place.
