If you asked what trait is inherent in the "zero generation", you would definitely name one: intemperance in words and assessments. Destructive vocabulary, swearing and excessive aggressiveness towards even the slightest deviations from your ideas about the world and “correctness” are just the tip of the iceberg. A verbal conflict on the Web is provoked in order to be banned or made a victim of trolling; in real life - in order to draw the attention of others to you, expose you as a source of conflict, or simply corny to get reasons for using force against you.
On the Internet and in offline life, you are provoked to aggression and a violent reaction quite often. How not to sink to the level of the one who provokes you?
1. Stop for a moment and evaluate what the argument is about
99% of provocations are meaningless in their form, but clearly oriented in essence. It is important for the one who provokes you to release your aggression so that he can control you and direct your behavior and emotions in the direction that this person or group of people needs. Fear, rage, hatred, misunderstanding, loss of a sober assessment of the situation - what people need who provoke you in a chat or in personal verbal communication. Don't give them a reason to turn the tide in a direction that suits them. If the essence of the dispute lies in the banal "hating for fun" - you can not hope to find a rational grain in such a provocation.
2. Always continue to communicate politely and calmly
It has been noticed from personal experience that the transition to raised tones only winds up the interlocutor. But communication in a measured, confident and unhurried tone, on the contrary, makes the “presumptuous” slow down and slow down his rhetoric.
3. Do not insult the interlocutor, even if he offends you
It is especially important when dealing with those who are superior in position and physical strength to you. For a police officer, “reciprocal rudeness” is an excellent reason to issue a fine, lock you up for 15 days “for disobedience” or apply special equipment to you. For a crowd of street punks, this is a reason not only to take your wallet away from you, but also to beat you hard and cruelly. There are situations in which the instinct of self-preservation must prevail over the desire to achieve justice in the whole world. In addition, an argument in the language of an illiterate / ill-mannered person is a sure step “one step down”, and not a way to prove one's superiority or defeat an opponent.
4. Don't Argue About Politics with Unfamiliar/Stranger People
Disputes about politics. A dispute with complete strangers or random fellow travelers / interlocutors in a club threatens to either escalate into a fight or become a pretext for a deliberate provocation from various "people in uniform" (in some countries, both near and far abroad, the latter is on a par with the accusation of "dissent" and “propaganda of false values” will even happen much more likely and faster than the usual desire to wave fists towards the political “opponent”).
5. Do not say/do not write what you will not be able to do
The Internet has accustomed us to relative impunity: hiding behind avatars, nicknames and properly setting the confidentiality of our profiles in social networks and online services, we now and then do not resist the temptation to switch to personalities with complete strangers, to teach them about life, mind and mind - and some, especially the "talented ones", even manage to threaten physical harm to random interlocutors in the comments. Remember that such “impunity” is relative.
6. Bring any started business / phrase to its logical conclusion
For threats of court or for insults, for unreasonable demands and for well-founded claims - all this must be held accountable. Well, when someone else will bear such responsibility. Worse, if in this role imprudently you find yourself. So don't say, demand, or promise to do anything that you don't really intend to. Even on the Internet. And it's not even that the screenshots do not burn.
7. Health is always more expensive
And in especially difficult and “neglected” cases of verbal provocations, when in front of you is not just an Internet troll or a street hooligan, but a person with clearly inadequate manners and ideas, I recommend not to forget a simple rule: it’s better to seem like a coward for a mentally ill person or a bastard, than to suffer or even lose their lives because of the ridiculous desire to “prove” something to people who are at odds with their heads and objective reality.
Girls and women! Read this article if you want to keep the peace in the family by science, and not as usual - with tears, screams, etc.
In men from early childhood they bring up the ability to achieve their own in any situation! - says our consultant, psychotherapist Elena DOBROBABENKO, author of the book The Hunt for Happiness. - A man will consider himself weak and very worried if he cannot influence someone's opinion.
Especially if it's a woman's opinion. There is a stereotype that women are up to something all the time. But it turns out that men are still those cunning! We will tell you about their main tricks and how to counter them.
You might think that the article is aimed at exposing the stronger sex. This is only partly true. The goal is to help women better understand their men and save their nerves. From childhood, boys learn manipulation tactics with each other. And then they will test them on women. Mature individuals do this less frequently. But many men think that the end justifies the means and the winners are not judged. They judge, and their own weapons, alas. In the family, small "tricks" result in big problems. The first step to family happiness is the rejection of Jesuit tricks. How? First, understand why he uses them. Gradually, his behavior can be corrected.
So the reasons are:
1. Fear of feeling guilty. Even if a woman caught him at the crime scene, he will try to get out in every possible way.
Your algorithm of actions: if he is absolutely to blame, then put before the fact with a clear statement: “You are to blame because ...” The accusation was made and there is no need to resort to tricks to turn the arrows on you; if his guilt is not obvious, but he is afraid of accusations, he will begin to prepare for this in advance. And he will try to make you feel guilty. Salvation: “I don’t blame you, you are right in this situation, but…”
2. Fear of losing an argument. When he lacks arguments or he understands that a woman is right, he seeks to piss her off. The dispute easily turns into a scandal, and the woman is declared a hysterical woman with whom it is impossible to agree.
3. Another move to emerge victorious is to confuse. In this they are masters - to confuse, divert the conversation to the side, so that later they triumphantly announce: “What can I take from you women? You don't understand anything!"
PROVOCATIONS
These techniques are aimed at provoking you to inadequate, from his point of view, reactions. The best way to respond is calm.
It seems to me that you...
The manipulator (he is also a man. - Ed.) plays a medium who can read minds. “Of course, you think that I am wrong”, “Do you think that I am trying to convince you? You are mistaken”, “Here you think that this is so, but this is different ...” You are credited with thoughts and plans and they begin to expose you on this basis. Or they build their arguments on supposedly your thoughts. Attempts to object: “Yes, I don’t think so!” - lead to nothing. And then more - you may feel that you reluctantly provoked a scandal.
Way to fight
A clear question will break the built strategy of the manipulator: “And why did you decide that?”
What is more important to you?
“What is more important to you: to achieve your goal or to save your family? Go to visit or the health of our children?” Either way, you look ugly. This is such a vile provocation, with the help of which the issue under discussion is immediately overwritten, and heavy artillery comes into play - emotions and tears.
Way to fight
Do not respond to these statements at all! As if nothing offensive had been said.
You are always, everywhere, in general ...
The generalization technique is used by men as a powerful trump card in an argument and in order to piss you off. Generalizations are of three types:
In place - "everywhere, everywhere." "You're behaving so badly everywhere!" - says the provocateur, forcing you to rush about: “Where am I behaving like this?” Everything, the subject of the dispute is forgotten, your person is being discussed.
In time - "always, never." “You never care about me! You are always dissatisfied with everything! - he says, and now you already feel guilty instead of him.
According to the person - "everyone, no one, everyone." "Everyone says you're wrong!" he throws as the last argument.
Way to fight
It is difficult to deal with this, but it is possible.
1. Do not succumb to provocation and remain calm.
2. Specify: “Where did I behave badly?”, “Please specify when and with what I was unhappy?”, “Who specifically thinks that I am wrong and why?”
The provocateur falls into his own snares. Either he begins to remember who, when and where, or he waves his hand at everything.
You are the one to blame
The more a person makes mistakes and feels guilty, the more he wants to shift the blame onto another. But someone struggles with this in himself and solves his problems himself, and someone (presumably, again a man? - Ed.) Blames the weaker, his wife, for all sins. Our psychologist-consultant Elena DOBROBABENKO told a story about how a client came to her, whom her husband was cheating on. The client decided to leave him. And when the husband saw that a car with things was standing at the entrance, he got scared. He called her for a conversation and ... accused her of destroying the family and pushing him to treason. And he became so inflamed that the woman felt guilty and stayed. Needless to say, the behavior of the spouse has not changed at all.
Way to fight
This technique can work if you have low self-esteem. There is only one way to resist - to start raising it and respect yourself.
deceptions
Deceptive tactics are used by men ostensibly in order to avoid squabbles and unpleasant conversations. But in fact, passion works for them: “Oh, how cleverly I circled around my finger!”
I decided a long time ago...
This technique is called the tricky word "presupposition". When discussing, a man shifts his attention from a painful issue to a secondary one. Example: you have long agreed to go with him to his parents on the weekend. And he wants to meet with friends, but he knows that you do not like these meetings. What is he doing? He says: “You know, my friends and I decided to meet on Sunday. Let's agree with the parents that we will come to them on Saturday. In other words, he tells you that everything is decided and the only thing left is a conversation with the parents. Two reactions are expected of you, and both suit him. Either you grumble that it’s not good to pull your parents and it’s better to transfer everything in general, or you go to them on Sunday alone.
Way to fight
Listen carefully to everything he says. Don't be fooled by the way information is presented. In our case, you need to ask: “Maybe, for starters, it’s worth discussing the advisability of meeting with friends?”
I didn't hear anything
The tactic of ignoring uncomfortable questions and arguments is an easy way to avoid responsibility. “I didn’t hear,” he says.
Ways to fight
If he doesn't hear you and continues to talk about his own, ask him to stop for a second and calmly, clearly ask your question.
If you are not sure that he heard you, ask again: “Did you hear what I said? Please repeat".
Chatting up the discussion of an uncomfortable issue - say something like this: “I ask you to discuss this with me, this is important for me, come forward to meet me, it won’t take much time, listen to me!”
CHANGES OF PLACES OF TERMS
At the heart of these manipulations is the “correct” placement of accents.
Look at yourself!
This technique is used by many men even unconsciously. It would seem that it could be easier than to say: “Yes, I’m guilty, I got drunk!” But, apparently, it is easier for them to present information in this light: “Yes, I got drunk, but you didn’t wash your mug! And in general you are such and such!”
Way to fight
Put the accent in its place: “But you still got drunk, didn’t you?”
It's just me, I have nothing to do with it...
An impersonal form is also an easy way to avoid responsibility for what you have done. Here are two formulations: "I broke the lock" and "The lock broke." In the first case, he admits his guilt and, probably, can offer his help in fixing it. And in the second - everything happened by itself. Some men abuse this manipulation even where it becomes ridiculous. Not "I seduced her", but "she took me warm when I was drunk and did not remember anything." Men who often use such logic to explain events, in our opinion, are not fully mature for adulthood. It is better not to contact them at all for a serious relationship.
Way to fight
Specify his personal role in this event: “So what did you do that the lock broke?”
I need to ask you something…
Universal reception of many men. It is not straightforward to speak about your desires: “I want you to do this and that ...” - but to present it as if it could not be otherwise.
Compare, - offers our psychologist-consultant Elena DOBROBABENKO, - two requests. First: "I want to ask you." And the second: "I have a request." Such is the thing that does not depend on anyone - a request. That is, in fact, the one asking for something does not need anything, he himself does not ask for anything. The request becomes an objective reality, which by no means can be ignored.
Way to fight
Refine the question: “So what do YOU want to ask me?”
OUR RESPONSE
If you understand that your husband is an incorrigible manipulator, then you probably have the moral right to use some tricks too. Here is a generally safe method of manipulation for you.
"Carthage must be destroyed" - this is how every speech of one senator in ancient Rome ended. When the moment came for a decision on this issue, the Senate voted without debate in favor of sending troops to Carthage.
How to use this technique in your life? For example, you want to accustom your husband to some useful thought, or so that he agrees to some of your projects without disputes. “In September, when we go on vacation…” you say in April. And then repeat the same two or three times in May, June, July and August. The main thing is not to allow discussion. Just throw your thought into the air. By September, he himself will go for vouchers.
Tatyana OGNEVA
MALE LOOK
Oh, this science to me!
For a long time I watched with curiosity the progress of our so-called psychological science in terms of intersexual relations. And he was quietly touched: how everything can be made into a problem. Now I'll say it anyway. Yes, at least about what I read today.
Well, what, to hell, manipulation? Why should an involuntarily popped-up word be instantly attributed to some category and search for methods of confrontation? We are not that cunning. But not that stupid either. If we want to achieve something (for example - it's scary to say! - not to go to my mother-in-law on Sunday), then we will find something more convincing than the phrase "my friends and I decided." And in order to outwit us, you girls will not have enough advice from newspapers and magazines.
It is very easy to convince yourself: “Oh, he is manipulating me!” And start looking for scientific ways to combat this monstrous evil. But I will say this: men do not like it when women act “according to science” with them. Such women, excuse me, are considered to be ... not very smart, or something. Even worse: it is customary to leave such women at the first opportunity. Which, from the point of view of science, of course, is the clearest example of that very manipulation.
But we, too, can say in all seriousness that the refusal to fulfill marital duty with the wording “let's better tomorrow, something in my head hurts” looks like manipulation. And, of course, I don’t want to scare anyone, but men have a counter-reception against such “manipulation”. Even a few. Not very scientific, but effective.
So read whatever you please, but use this invaluable knowledge with great care.
Good luck to you girls!
Leonid ZAKHAROV
You can meet such people anywhere - on the street, in a public place, at work, on the Web, and even at home. They can be aggressive and assertive or, conversely, affectionate and helpful. One way or another, the provocateur achieves a certain reaction of his victim. He wants to push her to the desired actions, fish out information or evoke the necessary emotions: fear, embarrassment, guilt or even anger, in order to put a person in an unfavorable light or throw out her negativity on him.
Their methods of influence
✔ Take "on weak"
Here, it would seem, is a children's trick, but it still works on adults, too. But no matter how they push you, you don’t have to beat yourself on the chest with your fist: “Yes, I can, I can, I can handle it!” You are not a child, and you must understand that this is exactly what they are trying to achieve from you.
✔ Flatter
“Natasha, you are so beautiful and dress so stylishly.” And now you have already swum, not noticing how the provocateur dumped part of his work on you or borrowed money from you for an indefinite period. Learn to distinguish between compliments spoken from the heart and rude flattery.
✔ Quarrel with someone
“Do you know what Masha said about you? ..” Think about it: why is a person in a hurry to tell you this “good news”? Certainly not to support you and improve your mood. This is the easiest way to push people together - of course, for your own benefit.
✔ Say nasty things under the guise of sympathy
“Oh, you are so haggard, and bags under your eyes. Maybe you are sick with something or have problems with your husband? Or: “You can’t do your job at all? It was not worth taking on this project - it is too serious. (It is understood that you cannot afford it.) As a rule, this is self-exaltation at the expense of another: a person humiliates you, reveling in his superiority.
Shot from the film "That's All She"
Thus, the provocateur calls you to reciprocal frankness. He will throw a bait: “What is it for the boss - he left to rest, and we are plowing here, like slaves in galleys!” and waits for you to react. You start scolding the boss - the provocateur will splash a little more fuel on the fire - and you've got it! All your words can be used to harm you.
✔ Something to seduce
Today, this technique is used by everyone: on every corner we are offered “favorable” conditions and tempting offers that are difficult to refuse. And it's worth it! After all, we know exactly where the free cheese is located.
✔ Put pressure on pity
“We ourselves are not local, poor, unfortunate, and our children are hungry…”. Not only beggars act this way, but also ordinary people - relatives, colleagues ... Before giving them a helping hand, think about whether they really need it, and most importantly, whether it will harm you yourself.
✔ Make you feel guilty
Some people know how to deftly play on other people's mistakes, mistakes, unseemly deeds. At the right time, they will not miss the opportunity to remind you of your sins - and you, feeling embarrassed or ashamed, will try to make amends for your guilt, even if it is not at all to blame for them.
Shot from the film "Legally Blonde" How to counter them
Choose a method that suits you according to the situation and that can be applied to a specific provocateur. The basic rule for dealing with provocateurs can be formulated, taking as a basis the well-known Buddhist idea of the rejection of evil:
I don't see anything
can not hear anything,
I won't tell anyone
1 Keep calm. Be impenetrable, even if everything inside is boiling. Just ignore the provocateur, ignore his statement. And then his poisoned arrow will not reach the target.
2 Agree with him. Does he say that you are rude? Okay, so be it! Do not argue, do not be indignant, but confuse him by saying: “Yes, you are right. Sometimes I'm just unbearable! You can also nail him with a look - let him be afraid to mess with you.
3 Use his own weapon. He jokes viciously - and you answer him the same way, with sarcasm, try to tease him. If nothing witty comes to mind, you can repeat about the same as the provocateur said.
Shot from the movie "Best Friend's Wedding" 4 Smile! Does he say nasty things, brazenly lie? Yes, the person is simply not himself. And with inadequate people, as you know, you should be calm and friendly. So do not run up, but smile a little condescendingly - and turn away.
5 Ask a question directly. So directly and ask what the person is seeking. And he, most likely, takes a back seat or tries to laugh it off, somehow get out. The main thing is that he will not want to play games with you, because his card is beaten.
6 Leave the "war zone". Quickly move away from the annoying person or leave the room. Yes, sometimes flight is not a shameful retreat at all, but a tactically correct decision for the sake of one's own safety.
7 Work on yourself. It's the most important! Experienced provocateurs have a good sense of who you can get. If someone with whom you constantly communicate, for example, a colleague or mother-in-law, has gotten into the habit of “breeding” you, it means that this person already knows that you can be treated like this. Prove that you are not a victim and know how to defend your rights and boundaries.
Control button.
It is terribly difficult not to succumb to provocations. Provocations are designed for this, that the other person reads the usual format of behavior, finds out what this behavior depends on, and at the right moment presses the button to control us. Even if this person is one month old. An observant mother notices with surprise that her child begins to scream not because she is hungry or wet, but because she wants to be rocked.
How to instill provocative behavior in children.
Wise grandmothers used to teach young mothers: "Do not be a pen, you will spoil." The mother, busy with the housework, quickly learned to distinguish between the baby's hungry cry and the hysterical cry when the baby began to "play in public." Now the situation has changed. A bunch of smart books for mothers teach her not to let the child out of her arms, to run to him at the first cry. This is how hysterical provocative behavior is brought up. The baby, the flower of life, begins to talk and finds out that you can make a scandal in the store and they will buy him a toy. Further, more, it turns out, you can threaten with a hunger strike, and they will not strain at school. You can scare a companion that he will do something to himself, and he or she will be afraid of her or leaving him for the sake of another. Of course, these same skills are used at work. This is how a person is brought up, who learns not to make personal efforts to achieve his goals, but to manipulate others so that they move.
We live in an age of provocations.
Previously, provocations were the lot of the rich and powerful. Recall that in a usually peasant family there was simply not enough time for constant provocations. Now the situation has changed. Everyone can engage in provocation or become its victim. Interestingly, provocations are sometimes approved at the highest state level. When children are taught to frighten their parents with denunciations, this is not the upbringing of a free personality, but the personality of a provocateur. Parents, who are afraid to rein in their children, are happy to push them into life on the neck of the state, let it deal with them now. The masses, trained in provocations from childhood, begin to arrange provocations for the state. En masse buy benefits or sick leave.
How to avoid provocations.
Provocations can and should be avoided. Firstly, we observe our behavior when we do not do what we ourselves need, that is, we do something, but it does not become good and calm. If a person does something that is not beneficial for him, then what he later regrets, then after what words or whose signals does this behavior turn on? A person has been insulted or told something, and having lost his face, he shouts back for a long time. Who benefits? In order not to succumb to provocations, you need to remember the offender or manipulator and write down in a prominent place: “Someone can insult or influence so that I start screaming or doing something or thinking in a way that is not good for me.” Believe me, it's better to write it down and put it in a prominent place. Now the provocateur is not terrible. He screams, but there is no answering cry, there is polite bewilderment. Observers are on the side of an experienced person who did not succumb to provocations. He himself skillfully escaped from provocation and retained his face and energy. And the failed provocateur lost both.
If the habitual behavior is such that a person worries for a long time after the insult and tries to establish relations with the offender, then he should write: "You can speak to me respectfully or not at all." Leaving after the first offensive word or tone, no matter who is right and whose next fault is a strong argument against provocations. So the provocateur is re-educated and becomes the nicest person.
The usual reaction.
Do you know what the usual reaction to a provocateur is? A woman says about her husband who takes her out: "He has a difficult character, you can’t make him angry." The subordinate worries about the mood of the boss today. A political opponent, having lost face, shouts in a dispute that the opposite side is the most terrible thing imaginable. Who is winning? A husband who keeps his wife in strictness; a boss who rules without any criticism; a politician who restrained himself from shouting and stupid insults and gained ratings in front of the voters. So, in such cases, we are controlled. Do we agree with this?
Read about different provocations:
