Bad things happen in everyone's life. Someone outwardly calmly survives death, but for someone, a reprimand at work or a failed exam at the institute becomes a real disaster. In moments of crisis, the participation of others is able to reassure and help to believe in oneself again. What words of support can be spoken in difficult times? Is everyone around you worth empathizing with?
When can you pry into other people's business?
To remain indifferent to the problems of a loved one, close friend or relative is at least uncivilized. Even if what happened seems like a mere trifle to you, you need to give the “victim” the opportunity to speak out. Try to give some useful advice on solving an existing problem, or simply express your sympathy. Do you need your words of support in difficult times for a casual acquaintance or an ordinary friend? That's a moot point. Many people feel embarrassed when they learn about the death of the husband of "Masha from the neighboring department at work" and do not know how to respond correctly. Sticking with your formal condolences to a person who works in the same office building with you is not always decent. But if we are talking about a classmate at the institute, with whom you regularly meet for coffee and chat about trifles, it is already impolite to ignore what happened. The most appropriate thing in this situation would be to briefly express your condolences or regrets and offer help.
What to say to a loved one?
Sometimes it seems to us that we know and understand our friends better than ourselves. But something happens, and it is not at all clear what kind of support a friend should have in difficult times. If a person is in the mood to talk, be sure to give him this opportunity. Try to retire somewhere where no one can overhear you. Do not pester with additional questions, but just listen and show interest with all your appearance. But not all people are used to sharing their problems. If your friend is from this category, and does not start a conversation first, it is better to let him calm down and not bother with questions. You should not give obsessive advice, but it is permissible to tell how you would act in such a situation.
How to rehabilitate a friend?
Some problems can be solved. With others, it remains only to reconcile. In the first case, the task of a loved one is to help his friend calm down quickly and take action. In the second type of situation, the only way you can help is to try to distract your comrade. The most important thing is to choose the right strategy. If your friend has a loved one in an accident, he is unlikely to want to go to the club to have fun. But visiting the hospital together, walking together for a leisurely conversation is a completely different matter. Of course, the support of a friend in difficult times implies real help. If possible, offer to live together for a while, take on some of the household chores and offer the injured party a good night's sleep and rest.
What do you do when your loved one is in trouble?
Supporting a loved one is extremely difficult. It is important to remember that your view of the problem may be radically different from the perception of the situation by your partner. It is much easier for men to understand their women than vice versa. The fair sex is emotional, many ladies like to not only describe in detail what happened, but also talk about their feelings. The man only needs to listen. A common mistake that many husbands make: only after learning about the problem, they begin to look for solutions. It's not exactly the right tactic. A woman must first pity and reassure. And only after that you can make some attempts to solve the problem. It is quite possible that real actions will not be required, but it is enough to find words of support in difficult times and remind them of their love and willingness to help.
How to help a beloved man survive the dark streak?
If in a couple troubles occurred with a representative of the stronger sex, a woman should gain wisdom. For some men, problems are only new lessons, while for others, any failure is the end of the world. The main rule is the same as when communicating with any other person. You can not try to find out more than your interlocutor is trying to tell you. Support for a loved one in difficult times can also be based on a complete disregard for the problem. It’s worth behaving as if nothing had happened, trying to please your spouse with some little things. Some men need encouragement. It would be appropriate to say that, thanks to the strong qualities of character, they will be able to change and improve everything. The most important thing is to avoid criticism. Even if the current situation occurred due to the mistake and shortcoming of your spouse, you should not remind him of this. Suffice it to say that everything will definitely be as it was or even better.
How to console the patient?
Health problems are the most serious. No wonder they say that you can buy everything except longevity and your well-being. What words of support for a sick person will really help? If the disease is not serious, try to cheer up your interlocutor and jokingly call for a speedy recovery. It would be useful to recall what awaits the patient after discharge from the hospital. Promise to go together to some interesting place or take a long-awaited walk. It will also encourage the patient that his presence is not enough for everyone.
What about those who are seriously ill?
If the disease is serious enough, it is necessary to please the patient with every little thing and try to maintain his good mood. Daily let's set the fact that a cure is possible. Tell about people who have successfully overcome this disease, and try to introduce your relative or friend to one of them, even if only virtually, using the Internet.
Should parents be supported?
It is not always easy to find words of support for a loved one. How to behave if your parents have problems? Between relatives so close, there should be no secrets. But for parents, we remain children at any age, and for this reason it is difficult for them to talk about their troubles and admit their own weaknesses. Words must be chosen very carefully. Whatever you say, it should not call into question the authority of the parents. The best tactic will be the usual care and participation. Show your attention, and, most likely, mom or dad will not only tell everything, but maybe even ask for help or advice. If a person is depressed and does not seek to find a way out of this situation, you should help him tune in a more positive way. Try something to distract your parents or just talk, remembering the past. The most important thing is not to panic and not rush to act. Once calm comes, you can think about the current situation and find the best way to solve this problem.
How can you help your child deal with problems?
At first glance, there is nothing difficult in supporting a person in difficult times or sympathizing with him when necessary. And yet, so many people find it incredibly difficult to find the right words in situations where they are needed most. How to support a person in difficult times and what to say? There is no universal "recipe". And yet, you can learn to understand which words are relevant in which situations. This will allow you to find exactly the support that a person needs most.
Faith and trust
In general, people in life speak very little and hear phrases such as "I believe in you" or "I trust you." Moreover, psychologists believe that it is the lack of direct expressions of feelings and support that leads people to withdraw and “go into themselves.” That is why it is very important not to be shy to say such words to a person. Of course, it is desirable to speak them sincerely, but even if you have doubts, such support will be very useful.
Also, do not confuse the issue of faith and trust. In the first case, it is rather about how parents believe in their child, the wife - in her husband, and so on. But trust, rather, is relevant for friends, comrades, colleagues and those who need to know your attitude towards them. Therefore, when your relatives, friends or acquaintances have any problems or difficulties, just say that you believe in them. As a rule, sometimes already such a small step will be enough for support.
no pity
Often you can meet those who, due to the inability to sympathize or a complete misunderstanding of their words, begin to express pity. It is worth remembering that pitying someone and expressing sympathy or regret are radically different concepts. In most cases, pity will not console or support anyone. Rather, such words will make a person even more withdrawn into himself and feel unnecessary. No wonder it is pity that is considered one of the most destructive feelings.
Therefore, even if you are talking to a very sick person and trying to support him, do not express pity. Instead, try to bring a smile and create a good mood.
condolences
In most cases, people have the hardest time finding the right words when it comes to death and burial. How do you support someone who has just lost a family member or friend while experiencing boundless grief? Many people believe that words are completely unnecessary in such situations, but often this is not the case. It's best to say what you think. People always feel sincerity and reciprocate it.
Even if you find it difficult to find the right words in such a situation, try to offer any help you can. Show that you share the grief and are ready to support the person.
Support and inspiration
Often, support has a lot to do with inspiration. It is enough to say a couple of necessary words so that a person not only gains faith in himself, but also finds the strength to overcome any difficulties. Most often, this type of support is distributed in families. For example, when a husband or wife decides to change jobs and begins to doubt whether they can find a decent job, there is nothing better than support. The faith of the dearest people can inspire any person, but it is worth understanding that it must be expressed, and not kept in oneself. Not all people are able to understand and “read” even those people with whom they have lived for years, therefore, in the right situations, it is important to say everything that you think.
Not without reason, most creative people can repeatedly increase their performance and aspiration if they have a source of inspiration. Otherwise, they will not be able to do even what they have always done without much difficulty. Moreover, a creative person does not always need even words, it is enough to support him with presence or attention.
support for depression
The most common situations when people need support are bad mood, depression and various problems. It is in such cases that the words of a friend, girlfriend, relative or even work colleagues can “pull” a person out of the abyss of despair and bring him back to life. Psychologists always emphasize that people are social beings, therefore the desire to constantly cope with problems alone, although it can train character and willpower, will never make you live in happiness and harmony.
I think there are several reasons why your support methods don't work. I will tell you about them. I stepped on all these rakes myself. As a result, it turns out that there are very simple principles that should be followed. We will talk about strong feelings and about everyday support. As a result, you will learn to support even people you barely know with just a few phrases.
Why is this important, why even understand how to support a person in difficult times?
It's just that if you manage to help for real, the person will remember you as a true friend. I can give two very striking examples for me. Although from the outside they may seem very simple.
I have a friend who can be called at three in the morning. With any garbage (sorry, you can’t say otherwise). Bad dream, bad news, broken heart, nervous about something. You can just pick up and call. And it's mutual. No, we first write SMS:“Can I call now?”and then having received an unambiguous “yes, of course”, we call each other. It seems to me that the need for this appears about once every two years, hardly more often. But it's priceless. The one who listens usually doesn't do anything magical. He is simply ready to listen and remind with the right words that not everything is bad. Then you can safely go to sleep: what was drunk, you no longer want to roar.
And there is another friend. I once called her when my back hurt very badly and I had to get to the clinic. I had a young man, but I was not ready to ask him to come home from work for this. He gave the go-ahead for me to take a taxi, said to call if anything. And in theory, this was a completely feasible task for me. Except for a couple of very awkward nuances for me. I couldn't tie my shoelaces. (And for me, for some reason, this is even more important than being able to go to the toilet on my own). And I was scared that something unpleasant would happen during the trip, although there were no prerequisites for this. It's just scary is all. At that time, both of these reasons seemed to me ashamed.
More than embarrassing to bother someone for such bullshit. So it seemed to me. But I called this friend of mine. I knew exactly what I would call her. Why her, I don't know. She didn't have to explain about the laces, or the pain, or anything. She just said she would come. And then everything was fine. I was not alone. She, of course, hardly remembers this incident. But to me, she remains the one person you can call to tie your shoelaces, just because you need it. It is clear that for her sake I am ready to come anywhere.
Do you agree that being able to support in time and be there in time is something very important? If yes, like, and try to figure out what the magic is.
So how do you support your loved one? What conclusions would you draw from these stories?
So why don't the usual ones work:
“Yeah, don’t worry. Let's go have a drink. Let's watch a movie. Well, what are you up to? Yes, everything will be fine! Well, if I were you, I would do this, this, and this!”
1) It is important to join the person, and not try to knock him out of his sad state.At the very least, it is important to always start with joining, real FEELING. It is important to plunge into the same story for a while. Because there is something very important in it for your loved one. Otherwise... if it didn't affect anything important... He wouldn't have suffered so much himself. And if you immediately say “oh well, forget it,” a person may unconsciously read in this: “your values and your experiences are bullshit!” But it's difficult. This about , about proximity. If you do it sincerely, it will really become a little uncomfortable.
2) Why advice does not help, and sometimes cause the opposite effect? What words to support a person correctly? I remember this once and for all from the second course after one of the psychological groups. Analyzed the request of one of the participants. In the end, everyone in a circle gives him feedback and support. Naturally, there is a lot of advice. Well, in the end, the “hero of the day” himself shares his final impressions. So here is a common story: “It seems to me that I am quite a fool. You offer such practical things, tell how you successfully got out of such stories. I'm starting to feel like I'm the only loser." It's paradoxical - but it's a common effect. One SINCERELY tries to support by telling his, and the one who listens becomes only sadder for himself. How to choose words of support?
- You can talk about your feelings and your attitude: “I'm worried about you. I'm sad to hear that too. I am also a bit confused when you told everything in detail.”
- You can also make it clear in words that you are ready to just be there, no matter what happens. "I'm with you". I remember my dad once at a moment of difficult family history said to me: “Whatever it is, you are my daughter and always will be, and I love you.” Then it was those very words that reassured me very much.
- You can talk about your similar UNSUCCESSFUL experience, about your similar “wrong” experiences. Indeed, in times of difficulty, we often feel that we are somehow not very ... Hearing that you are not the only such idiot can be very valuable.
- Advice helps when a person feels better, when he is heard, when he has some strength to do something. You can see it on it if you look closely. He changes face. Well, advice is good when it is neutral ideas as a tool. And what to do with these tools, when and which one to use, is up to the person himself to decide. And again, it's good when the advice is just a part of your story that he can listen to if he wants, and not doing good to the test subject.
3) Distract is a good way when both are already tired of crying.Smiley. It is impossible to talk too long on important difficult topics. Joking, ironic and being distracted by something is also very important. Good psychologists, by the way, make a lot of jokes during consultations. And it's on point. And it's very funny. But you need to correctly feel the moment when it is really in the subject, when you need to turn down the heat a little.And for this it is important to be a lively, interesting, enthusiastic person.Otherwise, the other cannot be pulled out of the quagmire. And then, looking at you and at your same sad and sympathetic look, he simply will not believe you that “everything will be fine.”
4) Even if he is sad, he is not a fool.For some reason, there is such a myth that if a person is sad or bad, then he cannot cope. So he needs to give advice a whole bunch. But no, this is not always the case. Almost all of us, even in very difficult life periods, have in our heads an approximate plan of action or options for how to act. It’s just that we doubt, worry, are temporarily confused or very tired. Believe me. I have worked with hundreds of people. Everyone always has at least some plan of action. Especially if a person is supported, listened to, reassured a little - the answer to the question “and what do you think to do with it?” no, no, yes there is.The main thing is to have time to ask this question BEFOREhis lecture on how to live.
5) Follow the prompts.A person in need of help almost always makes it clear in one way or another that he can help him now. Non-verbal. Maybe he is cold, maybe he wants to philosophize and he needs a listener, maybe he wants to go for a walk or just be alone for a while. Or be with you, but be silent at the same time. Don't be afraid to just BE NEAR the person who is hurting. Just to be near the person who cries. There is no urgent need to change anything. You are not an emergency room doctor. You have no super-responsibility. Just sit side by side in the same puddle. Helping people are sometimes carried away by THEMSELVES, what advice they know, what books they read, what mother said that they write on the Internet ... the anxiety from the need to save the one who dropped a tear at all costs is so overwhelming that it’s strength to JUST PAY ATTENTION for the one who is sad is not enough.
6) Ask: “How can I help you?”. Yes, everything ingenious is simple. But the trick is that by asking this question, you do not need to offer options. It is necessary to do a very difficult thing: to be silent. Just shut up and listen to what the person has to say. If he says: “I don’t know,” you can ask: “And you think about it! ..” If he says again: “I don’t know,” say, “please, when you figure it out, let me know, okay?” - and stay calmly, silently nearby for a minute.
7) How to support a loved one in ordinary daily activities?First, all of the above tips work. Just a lower degree of drink. About thatI already wrote. And besides all this, it helps to know in detail how he is doing. What happens to a person, what are his plans, difficulties, doubts, desires, dreams? What does he think is stopping him? What does he see that could help him? What does he think he is doing? It helps a lot. Although by and large it is quite simple.
Here is a story about love. All this takes courage. What other courage, what is frightening in this? It requires a willingness to be truly close to someone.
Write your stories of real support and your advice on this topic in the comments below.
Your family psychologist, Elena Zaitova.
To begin with, understand and accept one thing: even though you have known each other for a long time and you know a person as flaky, now this does not mean at all that his behavior will meet your expectations. “There are certain general stages of grief. You can fully focus on them, remembering, of course, that each of us still needs an individual approach, ”explains psychologist Marianna Volkova.
Our experts:
Anna Shishkovskaya
Psychologist at the Nina Rubshtein Gestalt Center
Marianna Volkova
Practicing psychologist, specialist in family and individual psychology
How to support a person if he is in shock
Stage #1: usually a person is in complete shock, confusion and simply cannot believe in the reality of what is happening.
What to say. If you are really close friends, it is best for you to be there without relying on the phone, Skype or SMS. For some people, tactile contact is very important, the ability to see the interlocutor in front of you live. “At this time, conversations and attempts to express condolences are not needed,” Marianna Volkova is sure. - None. Therefore, if your friend asks you to be around and at the same time refuses to communicate, do not try to talk to him. Contrary to your expectations, it will not get easier for him. It is worth talking about what happened only when the loved one is ready for it. In the meantime, you can hug, sit next to me, hold your hand, stroke your head, bring tea with lemon. All conversations are strictly on business or on abstract topics.
What to do. The loss of a loved one, sudden terrible illnesses and other blows of fate require not only reflection, but also many worries. Don't think that giving this kind of help is easy. It requires a lot of emotional return and is very exhausting. How to support a person in such a situation? First, ask how you can be of help. A lot depends on what state your friend is in. You may have to take on organizational issues: call, find out, negotiate. Or give the unfortunate a sedative. Or wait with him in the doctor's waiting room. But, as a rule, it is enough to at least deal with everyday issues: put things in order, wash the dishes, cook food.
How to support a person if he is acutely worried
Stage #2: accompanied by acute feelings, resentment, misunderstanding and even aggression.
What to do. It is clear that it is difficult to communicate at this moment. But right now, a friend needs attention and support. Try to come more often, be in touch if he is left alone. You can invite him to visit for a while. It is important to clearly understand whether you are mentally ready for this.
Words of condolence
“Most people, when expressing condolences, use conventional phrases that do not carry any meaning. Actually, this is a courtesy and nothing more. But when it comes to a loved one, you need something more than a formality. There is, of course, no one-size-fits-all template. But there are things that definitely shouldn’t be said,” says Marianna Volkova.
- If you don't know what to say, shut up. Better hug once again, show that you are there and ready to help at any moment.
- Avoid expressions like “everything will be fine”, “everything will pass” and “life goes on”. You seem to promise good things, but only in the future, not now. Such conversations are annoying.
- Try not to ask unnecessary questions. The only appropriate in this situation: "How can I help?" Everything else will have to wait.
- Never say words that might devalue what happened. “And someone can’t walk at all!” - this is not a consolation, but a mockery for a person who has lost, say, an arm.
- If your goal is to give moral support to a friend, first of all you yourself must be stoic. Sobbing, lamenting and talking about the injustice of life is unlikely to calm.
How to support a person if he is depressed
Stage #3: at this time, a realization of what happened comes to a person. Expect depression and depression from a friend. But there is good news: he begins to understand that he needs to somehow move on.
What to say. We are all different, so the best thing you can do is ask what exactly a loved one expects from you.
- Some people need to talk about what happened.“There are people who, in a difficult situation, it is vital to speak out loud their emotions, fears and experiences. A friend does not need condolences, your task is to listen. You can cry or laugh with him, but it’s not worth giving advice and putting in your five cents in every possible way, ”advises Marianna Volkova.
- Some people need a distraction to get over grief. You are required to talk on extraneous topics, to involve a person in solving some issues. Invent urgent matters that require full concentration of attention and constant employment. Do everything so that your friend has no time to think about what he is trying to escape from.
- There are people who, in difficult life situations, prefer loneliness - it is easier for them to cope with their emotions. If a friend tells you that they don't want any contact yet, the worst thing you can do is try to get into his soul with the best of intentions. Simply put, forcibly "do good." Leave the person alone, but be sure to make it clear that you are there and ready to provide all possible assistance at any time.
What to do.
- In the first case, help of a domestic nature is often required, especially if your loved one is not one of those who easily negotiates, communicates and can easily choose the best of several proposed options.
- You have to help your friend step back a little from what happened. If you are connected by work issues, you can carry out distracting maneuvers in this direction. A good option is sports. The main thing is not to torture yourself and his grueling workouts, but choose what you like. You can go to the pool, to the court or to yoga together. The goal is to try to have fun.
- In the third case, you only need what you are asked for. Don't insist on anything. Invite “to go out and unwind” (what if he agrees?), but always leave the choice to the person and do not be intrusive.
How to support a person when he has already experienced grief
Stage #4: This is a period of adaptation. You could say rehab.
What to say. It was at this time that a person re-establishes contacts, communication with others gradually takes on its usual form. Now a friend may need parties, travel, and other trappings of a mourning-free life.
What to do. “If your friend is quite ready to communicate, you don’t need to try to somehow “correctly” behave in his company. Do not try to forcefully cheer, shake and bring to life. At the same time, you can not avoid direct looks, sit with a sour face. The more habitually you adjust the atmosphere, the easier it will be for a person,” Marianna Volkova is sure.
Visit to a psychologist
Whatever stage a person is in, friends sometimes try to provide help they don't need. For example, forcibly send to a psychologist. Here you have to be especially careful, because sometimes it is necessary, and sometimes it is completely unnecessary.
“Experiencing trouble, sadness is a natural process that, as a rule, does not need professional help,” says psychologist Anna Shishkovskaya. – There is even a term “work of grief”, the healing effect of which is possible provided that a person allows himself to go through all the stages. However, this is precisely what becomes a problem for many: to allow yourself to feel, to meet experiences. If we try to “run away” from strong, unpleasant emotions, to ignore them, the “work of grief” is disrupted, “getting stuck” at any of the stages can occur. That’s when the help of a psychologist is really needed.”
Support cons
The tragedy experienced sometimes gives people a reason to manipulate others. This, of course, is not about the first, most difficult period. But you may be required to be present for long periods of time. Your personal life, work, desires will not be taken into account. Let's say you invited a friend to stay with you for a while - a fairly common practice. But all the agreed terms have long passed, and the person continues to visit. You are silent, because it is impolite to talk about inconveniences, but spoiled relationships will be a natural result.
Equally important is the financial issue. It happens that time passes, everything that was needed is done, but the need for investment does not disappear. And you, by inertia, continue to give money, afraid to refuse. " I noticed that you are starting to sacrifice yourself and your interests, which means there is a reason to talk and clarify the situation,” recalls Anna Shishkovskaya. - Otherwise, the accumulated resentment and indignation will one day provoke a serious conflict with mutual claims. It would be nice not to lead to a scandal, but to mark the boundaries in time.
Personal dramas are just one of those troubles in which friends are known. And your behavior during this period will certainly affect your relationship in one way or another. Therefore, it is worth rushing to help only if you sincerely want it.
We all know how hard it is to be in a situation where you need to comfort someone, but there are no right words.
Fortunately, more often than not, people don't expect specific advice from us. It is important for them to feel that someone understands them, that they are not alone. So first, just describe how you feel. For example, with the help of such phrases: “I know that it’s very hard for you now”, “I’m sorry that it’s so hard for you.” So you will make it clear that you really see what a loved one is feeling now.
2. Confirm that you understand these feelings.
But be careful, do not draw all the attention to yourself, do not try to prove that you were even worse. Briefly mention that you have also been in a similar situation before, and ask more about the condition of the one you are comforting.
3. Help a loved one sort out the problem
Even if a person is looking for ways to resolve a difficult situation, first he just needs to speak out. This is especially true for women.
So wait to offer solutions to the problem and listen. This will help the person you are comforting to sort out their feelings. After all, sometimes it is easier to understand your own experiences by talking about them to others. Answering your questions, the interlocutor can find some solutions himself, understand that everything is not as bad as it seems, and simply feel relieved.
Here are some phrases and questions that can be used in this case:
- Tell me what happened.
- Say what's bothering you.
- What led to this?
- Help me understand how you feel.
- What scares you the most?
At the same time, try to avoid questions with the word "why", they are too similar to condemnation and will only anger the interlocutor.
4. Do not minimize the suffering of the interlocutor and do not try to make him laugh
When we are faced with the tears of a loved one, we, quite naturally, want to cheer him up or convince him that his problems are not so terrible. But what seems trifling to ourselves can often upset others. So don't minimize the other person's suffering.
And if someone really worries about a trifle? Ask if there is any data that diverges from his view of the situation. Then offer your opinion and share an alternative way out. Here it is very important to clarify whether they want to hear your opinion, without this it may seem too aggressive.
5. Offer physical support if appropriate
Sometimes people do not want to talk at all, they just need to feel that there is a loved one nearby. In such cases, it is not always easy to decide how to behave.
Your actions should correspond to the usual behavior with this or that person. If you are not too close, it will be enough to put a hand on your shoulder or lightly hug. Also look at the behavior of the other person, perhaps he himself will make it clear what he needs.
Remember that you should not be too zealous when comforting: a partner may take this for flirting and be offended.
6. Suggest ways to solve the problem
If the person only needs your support and not specific advice, the above steps may be sufficient. By sharing your experiences, your interlocutor will feel relieved.
Ask if there is anything else you can do. If the conversation takes place in the evening, and most often it does, offer to go to bed. As you know, the morning is wiser than the evening.
If your advice is needed, ask first if the other person has any ideas. Decisions are made more readily when they come from someone who is in a contentious situation. If the person you are comforting has a vague idea of what can be done in their position, help develop concrete steps. If he does not know what to do at all, offer your options.
If a person is sad not because of any particular event, but because he has, immediately proceed to a discussion of specific actions that can help. Or offer to do something like go for a walk together. Excessive thinking will not only not help get rid of depression, but, on the contrary, will aggravate it.
7. Promise to continue to support
At the end of the conversation, be sure to mention again that you understand how hard it is for a loved one now, and that you are ready to continue to support him in everything.
