An old proverb says that joy shared is double joy, and sorrow shared is half sorrow. Psychologist at the Orthodox Center for Crisis Psychology at the Church of the Resurrection of Christ in the former. Semyonovskoye cemetery Svetlana Furaeva tells how to help a grieving person share his grief.
Faced with someone else's grief, many want not just to express condolences, but to do something to help the grieving, and very often come across a refusal to help. Why is this happening?
The fact is that it is not always possible for a person who wants to help to determine “on the go” what exactly the grieving person needs now. Therefore, the chosen strategies of behavior are often ineffective. Instead of realizing that he could be useful - resentment that "I with all my heart ... and he (she) is ungrateful ..."
And how to be in such a situation?
First of all, be sensitive. Help is accepted only when it matches the needs of the person in need. Therefore, it is necessary to assess the state of the grieving, try to understand what he needs now most of all - peace, conversation, practical help with the housework, just sit next to him and be silent or help give vent to tears. To better understand what happens to the mourner, let's look at what the process of mourning looks like in time.
First stage - shock and loss denial. Even if the deceased was ill for a long time, and the doctors' prognosis was disappointing, the message of death is unexpected for most people. In a state of shock, a person seems to be stunned by the news, acts "on the machine", full contact is lost both with himself and with the outside world. People who experienced this state describe it as “it was like in a dream”, “it was like not with me”, “I didn’t feel anything”, “I didn’t believe in what happened, it’s not true.” Such a reaction is caused by the deepest shock from the news, and the psyche turns on a kind of braking mechanism, protecting a person from severe mental pain.
Second phase - anger and resentment. The grieving person “scrolls” the situation in his head again and again, and the more he thinks about his misfortune, the more questions he has. The loss is accepted and realized, but a person cannot come to terms with it. A search is underway for the causes of what happened and alternative options for action. Resentment and anger can be directed at oneself, fate, God, doctors, relatives, friends. The decision “who is to blame” in this case is not rational, but rather emotional, which can lead to mutual resentment in the family.
Next stage - guilt and intrusive thoughts. The grieving person begins to think that if he treated the deceased differently, acted, thought, spoke, then death could have been prevented. The situation is repeatedly played out in various ways. These are very destructive feelings that certainly need to be overcome.
Fourth stage - suffering and depression. Mental suffering accompanies all previous stages of mourning, but at this stage it reaches its peak, overshadowing all other feelings. Grief, like waves, will either surge or recede a little. And during this period, a person experiences maximum mental pain, this is the “ninth wave” of grief. People experience this period in many different ways. Someone becomes very sensitive and cries a lot, someone, on the contrary, tries not to show emotions and withdraws into himself. There are signs of depression - apathy, depression, a sense of hopelessness, a person feels helpless, the meaning of life without the deceased is lost. At this stage, chronic diseases may worsen, as a person ceases to take care of his needs. There are disturbances in sleep and wakefulness, lack of appetite, or excessive food intake. At this stage, some grieving people begin to abuse alcohol or drugs.
Fortunately, this period is coming to an end, and the next is coming - adoption and reorganization. There is an emotional acceptance of the loss, a person begins to improve his life in the present. At this stage, life (already without the deceased) regains value. Plans for the future are rebuilt, the deceased ceases to appear in them, new goals appear. This does not mean that the deceased is forgotten. On the contrary, memories of him do not leave the grieving, their emotional coloring is simply replaced. The deceased still takes his place in the heart, but memories of him do not lead to suffering, but are accompanied by sadness or sadness. Often a person draws support in the memories of the departed.
How long do these periods last? And is it possible to help the grieving overcome them faster?
Burning time is very individual. The process of mourning is not linear, a person can return to some stage and live it again. But there is no need to rush the grieving. After all, we do not force a newborn to walk, but a first-grader to solve problems of quantum physics. In experiencing grief, it is not the duration of the grief that matters, but the progress that the mourner makes. I have specifically taken the time to review the stages of grief to show that all feelings and reactions to the loss lived by the grieving are normal. Accepting these feelings, understanding them and supporting the grieving person at every stage is the very help that will help overcome grief. It is very important to turn to specialists if a person is “stuck” at some stage and there is no positive dynamics.
And what should not be done so as not to run into a refusal of help?
One of the most common mistakes loved ones make is detachment from empathy. This can manifest itself in a variety of reactions - from unwillingness to talk about the deceased to advice to "strengthen and hold on." This is connected, as a rule, not with the spiritual callousness of loved ones, but with the manifestation of psychological protection. After all, other people's emotions are reflected in the state of a person, in addition, loved ones also grieve for the deceased, they are also vulnerable at this moment.
Phrases like “he’s better there”, “well, he’s been exhausted” have a negative effect on those who are grieving, if a person has been seriously ill for a long time, “now it will become easier for you, you don’t need to take care of it.”
Another common mistake is to discount the bitterness of loss by comparing it to the loss of others. “Grandma was 80 years old, she lived to her heart’s content, but my neighbor’s daughter died at 25…” and so on. Grief is individual, and it is impossible to determine the value of a loss by comparison.
With strongly expressed emotions, it is not necessary to talk with the grieving about how others feel about this. This also applies to the individual characteristics of the experience of grief.
You should not talk to the grieving about the future, because he is grieving here and now. Moreover, you should not draw a bright future when a person is experiencing strong emotions. “You are still young, you will get married”, “have another child, you have everything ahead of you.” Such “consolations” can provoke an outburst of anger and seriously damage relationships.
So what needs to be done to support a person in grief?
First, you need customize yourself. We talked about the need to be sensitive to the grieving. It is very important. Help is always objective, that is, directed at someone. The discrepancy between the needs of the grieving and the understanding of the helper, what is right and what is not, as a rule, complicates the situation. Therefore, you need to be intuitive, feel good about what can be useful. Then there is a psychological adjustment, empathy begins. Naturally, intuitive feeling should not interfere with sober thinking and logic, which are especially important in crisis situations.
Secondly, help should be offered. Perhaps the person at the moment does not want to accept help from anyone, or wants to be supported by another person. Perhaps he is just in shock and is not able to assess the situation now. That's why the offer of assistance must be specific. Instead of “How can I help you?”, You should ask: “Do you need food?”, “Do you want me to babysit?”, “Maybe stay with you at night?”. I also note that in Russia until the 90s the principles of educating girls were based on the formation of a style of behavior "stop a galloping horse, enter a burning hut." And now these women are not able to accept help, not because they do not need it, but because they simply do not understand and do not know how to do this, and the very word “help” directed at them can be a psychological taboo. If you just say "let's help" - it will cause misunderstanding. But the specific action that the helper is willing to do can circumvent this stereotype of power.
Besides, the offer of help must be real. Offer what you can really do. It often happens that a grieving person gives up everything, just to “bring everything back”, and this is the only thing that cannot be done. You should not go on about the grieving, turning to the occult and spiritualism. This will only bring harm, dragging the soul of a grieving person into a whirlpool, prolonging the period of mourning, amusing with illusory, unrealizable hopes.
Desirable do not leave the grieving one, be with him. If this is not possible, one should try to organize a “remote presence” using modern means of communication. It's better if it's a live conversation. In a conversation, you should try to avoid general questions “how are you?”, “How are you?”, replacing them with specific ones, “were you able (could) fall asleep today?”, “What did you eat?”, “Did you cry today?” etc. This will help to identify the problems that the grieving person is currently facing and help to cope with them.
It's important to force yourself listen to the grieving. Not only what you want to hear, but everything that a person experiencing grief will say. And the mourners have much to say. Speaking their thoughts and feelings, they live their grief, slowly freeing themselves from suffering. Sometimes you don't have to answer, especially if you don't know what to say. The main thing is to be sincere. Do not create forbidden topics, give the opportunity to say everything that is in your heart.
Sincerity towards a grieving person helps accept him and his grief. Unconditionally, the way a person is now - weak, vulnerable, unhappy, ugly from experiences. Completely. No need to force him to be strong, hold back tears, try to cheer him up. A person should know and feel that he is dear to his loved ones and in such a state that it is permissible for him to grieve and be weak.
Need to be patient. Some emotional outbursts of a grieving person can be directed to the people around him, perhaps the manifestation of anger, irritation in relation to the living. Such behavior is a manifestation of powerlessness to change the situation. You need to be understanding about this. And, as we said, grief has no time s x borders. It is impossible to “drive” the grieving, to limit their mourning to a certain period. It is more important to understand whether there is progress or not.
It is important for those who are grieving when they memories of the deceased are supported and encouraged. This takes time and patience, because the memories will be scrolled many times, and all about the same, causing new bouts of tears and grief. But memories are necessary, they help to accept the situation. Repeatedly reproduced memories become less and less painful, a person begins to draw strength from them for living today.
Necessary help grieving adapt to the new social situation. Do not perform for him the functions that the deceased used to perform, namely, to help learn to act independently. Otherwise, when for some reason you cannot help to do something, the grieving person will again feel miserable, abandoned, abandoned, a new round of grief is possible.
It is advisable to try in advance prepare for significant dates for the grieving. Holidays, anniversaries - all this causes new emotions of grief, because now they pass in a different way, already without the deceased. Perhaps only the thought of the upcoming date will plunge the grief-stricken person into despair. It is better if someone will be with the grieving person these days.
And of course you need take care of your own health both physically and emotionally. After all, otherwise a person will not be able to fully help another. In illness or periods of overwork, we become more receptive, irritable, and can accidentally injure an already unfortunate person. If there is an understanding that now there are not enough resources to support another, there is no need to avoid him, it is better to openly, but delicately, explain that now there is no way to keep up the conversation or come. So that the grieving person does not feel abandoned and offended, you need to promise him a meeting or a phone call when there is strength and health. And be sure to keep that promise.
Great support, both helping and grieving, is provided by articles about grief posted on our website Memoriam.Ru . Unfortunately, the emotions experienced by people during periods of acute grief do not allow them to realize the benefits of these materials, but for those who want to help their loved ones, it is quite possible to cope with reading. The site already has answers to all the questions that arise for both the grieving and their loved ones. How to survive the death of a loved one? How to help the grieving? How to help a person's soul? What to do with the feelings of guilt? How to help grieving children? These and many other questions are answered by priests, psychologists, psychiatrists, lawyers and people who have managed to overcome grief. It is necessary to study these materials, to tell grieving and other family members about them. From experience I can say that this is a very effective tool that allows you to "move" along the path of grief.
A very powerful resource in overcoming grief is spiritual help loved ones. By these words, let's understand not the fulfillment of all of the above, but care for the souls of the deceased and those who remain. If there is a believer in the family, he can explain that the observance of confessional rituals is not just a tribute to traditions, but a specific concern for the deceased.
Faith is a great force in the way of overcoming grief. A believer overcomes grief more easily, because his "picture of the world" does not end with death. In all religions, prayers for the dead and works of mercy are considered a blessing both for the one who has gone and for the one who is doing it here. If the family is not religious, it is necessary to turn to the ministers of the religious denomination that is traditional for this nationality. He needs to ask all the questions that have accumulated among the grieving, and also find out what can help the soul of the departed person. Starting with the performance of rituals, the mourner can gradually come to understand the mystery of life and death, and this, in experience, helps to cope with the crisis of grief. Such care for the departed, and even if help is added to it for those who are now weaker (even if it is just charity to the beggar), strengthens the grieving person, gives him the strength to live on, changes the quality of his life.
And in parting, I want to say the following. You can endlessly give advice about what is right and what is wrong. But only an open heart and a sincere desire to be useful will prompt the only true line of conduct with the grieving. I wish everyone who is now trying to help their loved ones strength and patience. It will take a lot of them, but the result is worth the effort.
To begin with, understand and accept one thing: even though you have known each other for a long time and you know a person as flaky, now this does not mean at all that his behavior will meet your expectations. “There are certain general stages of grief. You can fully focus on them, remembering, of course, that each of us still needs an individual approach, ”explains psychologist Marianna Volkova.
Our experts:
Anna Shishkovskaya
Psychologist at the Nina Rubshtein Gestalt Center
Marianna Volkova
Practicing psychologist, specialist in family and individual psychology
How to support a person if he is in shock
Stage #1: usually a person is in complete shock, confusion and simply cannot believe in the reality of what is happening.
What to say. If you are really close friends, it is best for you to be there without relying on the phone, Skype or SMS. For some people, tactile contact is very important, the ability to see the interlocutor in front of you live. “At this time, conversations and attempts to express condolences are not needed,” Marianna Volkova is sure. - None. Therefore, if your friend asks you to be around and at the same time refuses to communicate, do not try to talk to him. Contrary to your expectations, it will not get easier for him. It is worth talking about what happened only when the loved one is ready for it. In the meantime, you can hug, sit next to me, hold your hand, stroke your head, bring tea with lemon. All conversations are strictly on business or on abstract topics.
What to do. The loss of a loved one, sudden terrible illnesses and other blows of fate require not only reflection, but also many worries. Don't think that giving this kind of help is easy. It requires a lot of emotional return and is very exhausting. How to support a person in such a situation? First, ask how you can be of help. A lot depends on what state your friend is in. You may have to take on organizational issues: call, find out, negotiate. Or give the unfortunate a sedative. Or wait with him in the doctor's waiting room. But, as a rule, it is enough to at least deal with everyday issues: put things in order, wash the dishes, cook food.
How to support a person if he is acutely worried
Stage #2: accompanied by acute feelings, resentment, misunderstanding and even aggression.
What to do. It is clear that it is difficult to communicate at this moment. But right now, a friend needs attention and support. Try to come more often, be in touch if he is left alone. You can invite him to visit for a while. It is important to clearly understand whether you are mentally ready for this.
Words of condolence
“Most people, when expressing condolences, use conventional phrases that do not carry any meaning. Actually, this is a courtesy and nothing more. But when it comes to a loved one, you need something more than a formality. There is, of course, no one-size-fits-all template. But there are things that definitely shouldn’t be said,” says Marianna Volkova.
- If you don't know what to say, shut up. Better hug once again, show that you are there and ready to help at any moment.
- Avoid expressions like “everything will be fine”, “everything will pass” and “life goes on”. You seem to promise good things, but only in the future, not now. Such conversations are annoying.
- Try not to ask unnecessary questions. The only appropriate in this situation: "How can I help?" Everything else will have to wait.
- Never say words that might devalue what happened. “And someone can’t walk at all!” - this is not a consolation, but a mockery for a person who has lost, say, an arm.
- If your goal is to give moral support to a friend, first of all you yourself must be stoic. Sobbing, lamenting and talking about the injustice of life is unlikely to calm.
How to support a person if he is depressed
Stage #3: at this time, a realization of what happened comes to a person. Expect depression and depression from a friend. But there is good news: he begins to understand that he needs to somehow move on.
What to say. We are all different, so the best thing you can do is ask what exactly a loved one expects from you.
- Some people need to talk about what happened.“There are people who, in a difficult situation, it is vital to speak out loud their emotions, fears and experiences. A friend does not need condolences, your task is to listen. You can cry or laugh with him, but it’s not worth giving advice and putting in your five cents in every possible way, ”advises Marianna Volkova.
- Some people need a distraction to get over grief. You are required to talk on extraneous topics, to involve a person in solving some issues. Invent urgent matters that require full concentration of attention and constant employment. Do everything so that your friend has no time to think about what he is trying to escape from.
- There are people who, in difficult life situations, prefer loneliness - it is easier for them to cope with their emotions. If a friend tells you that they don't want any contact yet, the worst thing you can do is try to get into his soul with the best of intentions. Simply put, forcibly "do good." Leave the person alone, but be sure to make it clear that you are there and ready to provide all possible assistance at any time.
What to do.
- In the first case, help of a domestic nature is often required, especially if your loved one is not one of those who easily negotiates, communicates and can easily choose the best of several proposed options.
- You have to help your friend step back a little from what happened. If you are connected by work issues, you can carry out distracting maneuvers in this direction. A good option is sports. The main thing is not to torture yourself and his grueling workouts, but choose what you like. You can go to the pool, to the court or to yoga together. The goal is to try to have fun.
- In the third case, you only need what you are asked for. Don't insist on anything. Invite “to go out and unwind” (what if he agrees?), but always leave the choice to the person and do not be intrusive.
How to support a person when he has already experienced grief
Stage #4: This is a period of adaptation. You could say rehab.
What to say. It was at this time that a person re-establishes contacts, communication with others gradually takes on its usual form. Now a friend may need parties, travel, and other trappings of a mourning-free life.
What to do. “If your friend is quite ready to communicate, you don’t need to try to somehow “correctly” behave in his company. Do not try to forcefully cheer, shake and bring to life. At the same time, you can not avoid direct looks, sit with a sour face. The more habitually you adjust the atmosphere, the easier it will be for a person,” Marianna Volkova is sure.
Visit to a psychologist
Whatever stage a person is in, friends sometimes try to provide help they don't need. For example, forcibly send to a psychologist. Here you have to be especially careful, because sometimes it is necessary, and sometimes it is completely unnecessary.
“Experiencing trouble, sadness is a natural process that, as a rule, does not need professional help,” says psychologist Anna Shishkovskaya. – There is even a term “work of grief”, the healing effect of which is possible provided that a person allows himself to go through all the stages. However, this is precisely what becomes a problem for many: to allow yourself to feel, to meet experiences. If we try to “run away” from strong, unpleasant emotions, to ignore them, the “work of grief” is disrupted, “getting stuck” at any of the stages can occur. That’s when the help of a psychologist is really needed.”
Support cons
The tragedy experienced sometimes gives people a reason to manipulate others. This, of course, is not about the first, most difficult period. But you may be required to be present for long periods of time. Your personal life, work, desires will not be taken into account. Let's say you invited a friend to stay with you for a while - a fairly common practice. But all the agreed terms have long passed, and the person continues to visit. You are silent, because it is impolite to talk about inconveniences, but spoiled relationships will be a natural result.
Equally important is the financial issue. It happens that time passes, everything that was needed is done, but the need for investment does not disappear. And you, by inertia, continue to give money, afraid to refuse. " I noticed that you are starting to sacrifice yourself and your interests, which means there is a reason to talk and clarify the situation,” recalls Anna Shishkovskaya. - Otherwise, the accumulated resentment and indignation will one day provoke a serious conflict with mutual claims. It would be nice not to lead to a scandal, but to mark the boundaries in time.
Personal dramas are just one of those troubles in which friends are known. And your behavior during this period will certainly affect your relationship in one way or another. Therefore, it is worth rushing to help only if you sincerely want it.
What to do when the mood is at zero ... when you give up ... when you don’t see where to go, and you want to quit everything ... once and for all.
Know that even in this moment you are NOT ALONE. There are a LOT of people like you. There really are a LOT of us!
So different, so unlike... and yet I = YOU. YOU = I.
We offer you 20 quotes from famous people as support and inspiration on your way! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
1. "If you're always in a hurry, you might miss a miracle." Lewis Carroll
2. "Believe in the fact that there is something to live for, and your faith will help this fact to come true." William James
3. "To reach the goal, you must first go." Honore de Balzac
4. "The biggest mistake you can make in life is the constant fear of being wrong." Elbert Hubbard
5. “What is the purpose of man? Be him." Stanislav Lets
6. "Knowledge is a treasure trove, but the key to it is practice." Fuller Thomas
7. “Life is not suffering. It's just that you suffer from it instead of living and enjoying it." Dan Millman
8. "The fate of the person who sits in the seat does not move either." Philip Farmer
9. “There is no point in looking for a place where you will feel good. It makes sense to learn how to create it well anywhere ... "
10. "You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can always raise the sails to reach your goal." Oscar Wilde
11. “When you feel very bad, raise your head. You will definitely see the sunshine." Drew Barrymore
12. “While we pedal and steer towards the goal, it is important not to forget about the beauty that opens before us every day.” Paulo Coelho
13. "Life is beautiful when you create it yourself." Sophie Marceau
14. “When you really want something, the whole Universe will contribute to making your desire come true.” Paulo Coelho
15. "Forgiveness doesn't change the past, but frees the future."
16. “This world is like an echo in the mountains: if we give up anger, anger returns; if we give love, love returns.” Osho
17. “Most people are only as happy as they choose to be.” Abraham Lincoln
18. “You can only see what you believe. Believe and you will see." Wayne Dyer
19. “You won’t see the most important thing; only the heart is vigilant." Antois De Saint Exupery
20. “The goal of every person’s life is to become as happy as possible. Happiness is the goal to which all other goals are reduced. » Deepak Chopra
Many thanks to my Vkontakte administrator Natalya Bukhovtseva for such a wonderful selection of quotes!
Hearing
The main thing is to be sure to let the person talk. Do not be afraid of the flow of revelations and panic: no one requires you to be active and immediately solve all problems. It is also better to leave questions, advice and universal wisdom for later: at this stage, a person just needs to know that he is not alone, that he is heard, that they sincerely sympathize with him.
To listen does not mean to freeze like an idol and be silent until the very end of the monologue. This behavior is more like indifference. It is possible and even necessary to show “signs of life” in order to console a loved one: say “Yes”, “I understand you”, sometimes repeat words or phrases that seemed key - all this will show that you really care. And at the same time it will help to gather your thoughts: both to the interlocutor, and, by the way, to yourself.
This is a gesture
There is a simple set of gestures to help sympathizers. An open posture (without arms crossed on the chest), a slightly bowed head (preferably at the same level as the head of the person you are listening to), understanding nods, an approving grunt in time with the conversation and open palms are subconsciously perceived as a sign of attention and participation. When it comes to a loved one with whom you are used to maintaining bodily contact, soothing touches and stroking will not interfere. If the speaker becomes hysterical, and this also often happens, then one option to calm him down is to give him a big hug. By doing this, you will, as it were, inform him: I am near, I accept you, you are safe.
It is better not to experiment with unfamiliar people in relation to bodily contact: firstly, you yourself may feel embarrassed; secondly, a person with a rigid personal space can be repulsed by such behavior. It is also worth being very careful if you have a victim of physical violence in front of you.
no change
You can not go in cycles in stress, many of us believe. “Pull yourself together!”, “Find a reason to be happy” - these are the standard set of phrases that the culture of global positiveness and lightness of being hammers into our heads. Alas, all these attitudes in 90 cases out of 100 have the opposite effect and do not help to comfort a person with words at all. Sacredly believing that it is necessary to look for pluses in everything, we learn not to work on the problem, but to fill it with a mass of conditionally positive experiences. As a result, the problem does not disappear anywhere, and it becomes more and more difficult to return to it and try to solve it every day.
If a person constantly returns to the same topic, it means that stress is still making itself felt. Let him talk for as long as it takes (assuming you endure the process yourself). See how it got easier? Fine. You can slowly change the subject.
If specifically
What words to comfort a person? Often, the person in trouble feels like a social outcast - it seems to him that his misfortunes are unique and no one cares about his experiences. The phrase "Is there anything I can do to help?" seems banal and insipid, but nevertheless it shows your willingness to share the problem and be in the same boat with the victim. And it’s even better to offer something specific: “Do you want me to come to you right now and we will discuss everything?”, “Dictate a list of what you need - I’ll bring it within a day”, “Now I’ll call all the lawyers I know (doctors, psychologists), maybe what will they advise” or simply “Come at any time”. And even if the answer is an irritated grumbling in the style of “No need, I’ll figure it out myself,” the very desire to help will have a positive effect.
Help should be offered only if you are really ready for exploits, wasting time, money and emotions. Do not overestimate your strength, promising what you cannot deliver, in the end it will only get worse.
Popular
supervised
Assurances like “Don’t touch me, leave me alone, I want to be alone” often speak not so much of the desire to cope with the situation alone, but of excessive obsession with the problem and, unfortunately, a state close to panic. Therefore, it is not recommended to leave it alone for a long time. Unless for an extremely limited period of time, while being close and keeping abreast.
Quite often the mood to withdraw into oneself provokes the excessive curiosity of others, sometimes even those who are not close at all, their excessive pity, patronizing attitude. Nobody likes it. Therefore, when you see someone in such a state in front of you, you should moderate the level of your feelings and sympathy (at least externally) and make it clear that you are not going to teach him life or crush him with authority, but at the same time you sincerely want to help.
He she
We are used to believing that a woman is an emotionally unstable creature and is always prone to hysterical reactions, while a man is strong and resistant by default, therefore he is able to cope with stress alone. However, this is not entirely true.
Recent studies by scientists show that a socially isolated man tolerates stress much worse than a woman left alone: he is more prone to withdrawing into himself and depression (and girls even increase immunity in force majeure situations!). And the problem that we, emotional, will survive and still forget, can torment the male brain for a long time. Psychologists believe that such a protracted reaction is a consequence of the fact that boys from childhood are taught to be silent and monitor their reputation more than a state of psychological comfort.
A man needs comfort, but actions will bring it rather than words. How to console a loved one? Your arrival, a delicious dinner, an unobtrusive attempt to stir up will work much better than verbal confessions. In addition, the active behavior of someone nearby brings men to themselves. And also let him know that it won’t hurt him to speak out and you don’t see anything wrong with that.
Saving those who help
Sometimes we get so carried away with saving drowning people that it becomes an obsession. Which, by the way, the victim himself indulges: having got used to your willingness to listen, he, without realizing it, turns into your personal energy vampire and begins to dump all negative emotions on your fragile shoulders. If this goes on too long, you will soon need help yourself.
By the way, for some people the opportunity to help someone turns into a way to get away from their own problems. It is absolutely not worth allowing this - sooner or later there is a risk of coming to a full-fledged nervous breakdown.
If, after long and, as it seems to you, therapeutic conversations, you feel squeezed out like a lemon, fatigue, sleep disturbances, irritability appear, you should slow down a bit. In this state, you are unlikely to help anyone, but you can easily harm yourself.
Depression
We like to use the diagnosis of "depression" with or without cause. And although only a specialist can diagnose this disease, there are still common signs, with the manifestation of which you need to urgently seek qualified help. This:
Apathy, sadness, the prevalence of bad mood;
Loss of strength, motor retardation or, conversely, nervous fussiness;
Slowing down speech, long pauses, freezing in place;
Decreased concentration;
Loss of interest in habitually joyful things and events;
Loss of appetite;
Insomnia;
Decreased sex drive.
At least a couple of symptoms from the above - and you really should find a good psychotherapist for the victim.
Text: Daria Zelentsova
