HOW TO GET OUT OF A CONFLICT SITUATION IN A FAMILY?
Let's first understand what conflict is.
Usually the conflict consists of two components: misunderstanding of the spouses and a negative emotional background. And the main task is to remove the emotional component - then the conflict is already resolved by 70%. And one more thing: it is important to remember that the only effective way to resolve the conflict is a conversation.
ALGORITHM for getting out of the conflict
1. Recognize the fact of the conflict. One of the main mistakes that is allowed in the conflict is "closing the eyes". It is convenient to think that everything will settle down by itself. But, unfortunately, it won't settle down. Unspoken words and negative emotions will accumulate, and eventually lead to an explosion and even more serious conflict.
2. Think about the place and time. It is often recommended to resolve the conflict immediately, "hot". This is good, but not always. If negative emotions are strong, it is better to postpone the resolution of the conflict a little. Consider when and where is the best time to talk to your spouse in a way that minimizes negativity.
3. Find the courage to speak. Only conversation can resolve the conflict. Speak out your feelings and experiences ("I want to make peace, but I feel indecisive"). Avoid accusations. Instead of "you are angry (evil)" it is better to say "I feel anger on your part."
4. Control the emotional background. If during the conversation negative emotions increase, it is necessary to relieve tension. For example: take a 5-minute pause, move to another room, make tea...
5. Give the opportunity to talk. Give yourself permission to listen and understand your other half. Let the person close to you feel that he can really speak out, and they will really listen to him.
6. Try to understand. It is often difficult for us to understand the position of a spouse. All the more so
you can accept it. Try to do the following: mentally look at what is happening from the side. Here is a man and a woman in front of you. Everyone has their own truth. And everyone needs understanding. Treat them the same way without prejudice.
7. Come up with a solution together. The result of your conversation should be a plan developed jointly. One that suits both husband and wife. The plan should be specific and step by step. In addition, you need to agree on how everyone will carry it out and what to do in unforeseen situations.
What NOT to do
A. You can't blame each other. After all, the natural reaction to the accusation (even if it is fair) is aggression.
B. You can not remember past mistakes. Instead of remembering mistakes and insults, it is better to focus on how to get out of the situation.
B. You can not interrupt. Interruption is always very annoying. As a result, your interlocutor
focuses on aggression instead of his own experiences.
G. You can not ridicule. Even if the feelings of your half seem strange, unacceptable or far-fetched to you, show understanding. Otherwise, your interlocutor will become isolated and will not want to share the most important things.
If it didn't work out on its own...
There are situations when it is impossible to get out of the conflict. There is not enough strength, courage, confidence, readiness ... and sometimes even desire. In this case, you can seek advice and understand yourself, your relationships and feelings, using outside support.
The first thing to remember when a conflict is in danger of escalating is a simple rule: end the argument immediately, as soon as you feel that you are starting to get angry and lose control of yourself. The truth is banal, but few take it into account in their actions: the conflict cannot be resolved when one of the parties (or both parties) is excited - in a bad sense of the word. In this case, the situation will only worsen under the weight of mutual accusations and even insults.
Try to take the other person's side
Of course, your own shirt is closer to the body and your own position seems to be the most correct and the only true one. However, think about it: the other person has their own interests, and perhaps other people's arguments did not appear out of nowhere either. By understanding the interlocutor (and the motives driving them), you can not only conduct a dispute more competently, but also avoid the escalation of the conflict. In general, we are guided by the simple rules of the “Understand and Forgive” program.
Control the conversation
After looking at the situation through the eyes of another person, build the conversation not as an argument, but as a dialogue that should lead to a mutually beneficial resolution of the problem. Demonstrate your attitude: “Yes, I understand your position ...” or “I heard you: you think that ...”. Remind yourself of common tasks more often: “In order to achieve our goals, we will need…”. Invite the two of you to think about the current situation: "Let's understand together how best we can act in these conditions ...". All this will make it clear to your interlocutor that the conflict is not an end in itself for you and you are tuned in to a constructive solution to the problem.
Watch your gestures
What you should definitely avoid if you want to resolve the conflict is closed postures and an arrogantly raised head. On the contrary, proving your point of view, you need to use open gestures, hold your palms with the inside up: Alan Pease wrote about the basics of sign language in his book a long time ago, and since then this work has not lost its relevance.
Don't see the "bait"
In a conflict situation, people often try to hurt each other or offend - in a dispute, you should always be able to feel the moments when your interlocutor plans to move away from the topic under discussion and reduce everything directly to mutual accusations. From a formal point of view, this is easy to do - just do not respond to attacks, continuing to hold the main line of conversation. This, by the way, will come in handy not only in a dispute with colleagues, when you can remember all past mistakes, trying to confuse, but also when talking with loved ones: in family conflicts, the conversation also often goes far from discussing pressing problems towards listing grievances. It is worth stopping this at the first opportunity and not getting involved in a long skirmish.
Suggest negotiation
If the conflict grows with terrible force, then a real quarrel can be avoided only by radically changing the vector of the conversation and offering to move from a skirmish to negotiations. Moreover, it is necessary to talk about this openly, recognizing that otherwise everything will come down to mutual accusations and a constructive dialogue will not work. Honesty in this case will be appreciated by both your colleagues and relatives. In addition, it will immediately make it clear that you are not interested in a quarrel and only want to solve a specific problem.
Take a time out
This point is an addition to the previous one: if you understand that the situation has escalated to the limit, then do not rush to rush into the pool with your head and defend your own rightness - you still have time. It is better to suggest to your interlocutor to take a time out and meet at the "negotiating table" a little later - for example, in a day, when the passions subside.
“A business conflict is a discussion of a problem. Personality is discussed in psychological conflict. The psychological conflict goes to mutual destruction, while the business conflict solves the problem and brings partners together” (M. Litvak).
No matter how peaceful a person is, there is always a place for conflicts in his life. They happen at home, at work, accidentally and deliberately, and do not always end as we would like. After a sudden controversial situation, almost everyone scrolls it in their head and finds the wrong words, the wrong reaction to the aggressiveness of the opponent. “It was necessary to say so, it was necessary to turn the conversation in such a direction ...”
How should one act in reality? How to choose the right line of behavior, correctly get away from the conflict and direct it in a positive direction?
Thunder and lightning or a light sea breeze: how to manage conflict
Experts are sure that the conflict is most easily prevented at the stage of its inception, at the very beginning of the dialogue. At this stage, you need to conduct a quick analysis of the current situation, determining for yourself the important points: its goals, causes and possible outcome. Not every open dispute reflects a struggle for truth. Contradictions can be caused by long-standing resentment, open hostility, rejection of something. The conflict can be used as a way to humiliate a person in someone's eyes or become a kind of "tunnel" for releasing negative emotions - anger, anger, irritation. It is necessary to evaluate the opponent in order to find out which person you have to argue with:
- An uncertain opponent will try to stay "afloat" in the dispute. His position is neither yes nor no. Own rightness is not denied, the principles are sluggish, the goals are hidden, but the conflict stubbornly does not settle down.
- A confident interlocutor will give a strong rebuff, engage in verbal skirmishes and persistently argue in a direction convenient for himself.
- Arguing with a narrow-minded, stubborn or unbalanced person is considered one of the most difficult. The situation is difficult to manage, as it is built on emotions and is not based on common sense. The style of behavior of such a person is deliberately aggressive, hostile, easily transforming into open insults and even assault. If it is impossible to resist morally, such people tend to the only weapon - physical strength.
- Intellectually uneducated, but invested with a sense of power, is also an unfortunate opponent. The purpose of his conflict is reduced to an open display of "who is in charge here", and not to an analysis of the paths directed in favor of the cause.
- A conflict with a worthy, adequate opponent is one of the best options for a productive dispute. The opponent acts constructively - seeks to resolve the conflict, shows restraint, self-control, aims to find a solution to the problem. He is open, concise and attentive to the opponent. In dialogue, he tries not only to see the problem and find ways to solve it. High intelligence and the ability to competently conduct a dispute allow him to resolve the conflict in such a way as not to offend the opponent, but to concentrate on the problem and come to a mutually correct solution.
Intersection of interests: how to resolve conflicts
Analysis of the situation and the person will help to perceive the conflict correctly, to choose the right “points of contact”. By carefully assessing the current situation, you will be able to choose the right strategy for resolving or postponing the dispute. The outcome of the situation primarily depends on the position you chose in response to the provocation.
The most positive options in resolving conflict situations are:
- Compromise (the conflict is based on the concessions of both opponents)
- Consensus (dispute leads to mutual satisfaction of rivals)
To choose the right tactics, do not be afraid to take a break - especially if the conflict began unexpectedly. Let the interlocutor reveal the essence and purpose of an unpleasant conversation. In the meantime, you will determine the right path - a strategy that will help you get out of the battle "without losses."
“Do not try to push a person through the wall in his mind, it is better to change his picture of the world” ( .
1. Keep hitting. Strategy "Rivalry"
This option involves an open entry into a dialogue, stubbornly defending one's positions. The strategy is suitable if the resolution of conflict situations is important for both opponents and requires an immediate response. The main danger of this strategy is that by entering into a principled and open one, you always have the risk of being left with nothing, of losing.
2. Postpone for "later." Conflict Avoidance Strategy
This model of behavior involves avoiding an unpleasant situation, bypassing the causes of its occurrence. The strategy can be applied when the solution of the problem can be postponed and returned to it after a while.
3. Debriefing. Strategy "Cooperation"
Designed to overcome protracted misunderstandings, problems. This is the most honest and direct way to solve the problem, both opponents participate in the strategy on an equal footing. Using this tactic, opponents come to joint conclusions that satisfy both sides.
4. Mutual convention. Strategy "Compromise"
This option for resolving a dispute is suitable if it is impossible to fulfill the conditions of the two parties, and the only true option is to make mutual concessions. Thus, disagreements are settled, the starting goals are adjusted, the result of the conflict is reconciliation with each other's positions in order to avoid a complete collapse of relations.
5. Forced transformation. Adaptation strategy
The tactics of behavior of one of the opponents is radically modified. He changes his positions to smooth out the conflict, sacrificing his principles. Visually, it looks like you've come to terms with your opponent's beliefs. But your goal is to get out of the conflict, maintaining a good relationship, and also buy time to think about a new solution to the problem.
The wise man avoids extremes: conflict management
In order to adequately get out of an unpleasant, controversial situation, you first need to know how to behave in a conflict situation. The “golden” rules that help in 99% of cases are to remain calm and sound logic, not to succumb to emotions, resist the opponent’s provocations and use effective psychological techniques.
How to manage a conflict situation that has arisen between you and your partner?
Follow simple steps:
- Let your partner blow off steam. Calmly listen to his demands without interrupting or commenting. This will lead to a decrease in internal and external tension, and then the issue can be resolved in a calm manner.
- Offer to justify his position. After emotional discharge, a person is more inclined to solve the problem in a calm format and is ready for dialogue. However, while substantiating claims, do not allow the opponent to again go over to the side of emotionality, directing him to intellectual conclusions.
- Act out of the box. Conflict management depends on your ability to reverse the direction of a conversation. In response to a claim, remind your partner about the good moments of your cooperation, in an unexpected place, express sincere admiration for the person. You can defuse the situation with a good, "bearded" anecdote - and why not?
- Pay attention to your feelings without touching the negative side of the situation. For example, you can say, "I'm upset about our whole argument, I'm very upset." With this technique, you remind your opponent that the conflict affects the two of you, and you have your own point of view regarding the current situation.
- Get to the heart of the dispute. Try to jointly formulate the problem and the expected outcome of the conflict. An interesting fact, but partners see the problem from different angles, and in order to reach common “points”, a mutual, identical understanding of the essence is necessary. “Sometimes you have to walk with a person according to his picture of the world, until it becomes obvious to him that he has reached a dead end” (Vladimir Tarasov).
- Show maximum respect. Let your angry partner save face. Evaluate actions and don't get personal.
- Show attention. During a tense dialogue, ask your opponent for his point of view, find out his attitude to the identified problem. Attentive, correct questions will emphasize your indifference to a person as a person and reduce aggression.
- Be confident and dignified. Even if the opponent raises his tone, do not break. In case you really feel guilty, apologize. Remember - an apology is a sign of maturity, wisdom, strength, not weakness.
Categorical taboo: how to resolve conflict situations
The best outcome of a controversial situation for both rivals is to maintain good relations and put the problem under a common “denominator”. It is important to show your opponent that you are friendly, want to help and understand his position. However, there are “pain points” that are not recommended to be addressed, as conflict management can get out of hand.
Prohibited during conflict:
- Give a critical assessment to the opponent
- Influence his "weak points"
- Demonstrate superiority over the opponent
- Blame the opponent, make claims
- Move to higher pitches
- Present only your vision of the problem
- Ignore the interests of the interlocutor
Any conflict can be approached constructively, benefiting from dialogue. In a dispute, you are given the opportunity to analyze the situation, to find out the goals of the opponent. In order for unpleasant dialogue to be useful, not destructive, it is important to consciously approach its resolution.
You must know exactly why you are entering into a conflict and be able to predict the likely outcome of the conversation. But the most important thing is to remain calm and unflappable composure, so as not to lose control over the situation. Otherwise, the light breeze of a minor problem can turn into a devastating hurricane of global litigation.
Conflict management technology: methods of Vladimir Tarasov
Vladimir Tarasov is the author of the unique training technology "Managerial duel". The strategy of conducting an open confrontation comes down to a dialogue between two opponents in a conflict situation that can occur between business partners, friends, managers, in the family and at work. Technology helps to prepare for an unexpected conflict, to learn effective methods by which you can manage a dispute.
Managerial fights are designed so that each opponent can find himself in an “artificially” created conflict situation, understand its essence and learn how to adequately get out of it. The technique helps to develop an internal readiness for an unexpected dispute, overcome fear and understand one's mistakes, which block the mind and do not allow one to choose obvious ways to solve the problem.
The technology of conducting fights is disclosed in the book by Vladimir Tarasov "". You can learn the unique methodology of conflict management at the author's courses by Vladimir Tarasov and ", which you can sign up for right now.
In any human relationship, there are disagreements from time to time. And at work, and in the family, and in relationships between lovers, conflict situations occur. Many people experience them quite painfully. And absolutely in vain. You need to learn how to properly relate to such situations and know how to competently resolve the conflict.
Psychologists advise to treat positively - as an opportunity to clarify and even modify relationships.
Learning to resolve conflicts
In the event of a conflict, it is imperative to let the partner let off steam: try to listen to all his claims calmly and patiently, without interrupting or commenting. In this case, the internal tension will decrease both for you and for your opponent.
After the emotions are splashed out, you can offer to substantiate the claims. At the same time, it is necessary to monitor the situation so that the opposite side of the conflict does not again switch from a constructive discussion of problems to an emotional one. If this happens, you need to tactfully guide the debater to intellectual conclusions.
You can dampen your partner’s negative emotions by giving him a sincere compliment or by reminding him of something good and pleasant from a common past.
Respect for the opponent is a prerequisite for how to resolve the conflict correctly. It will impress even an extremely angry person. If, in such a situation, the partner is offended, personalized, it will definitely not be possible to resolve the conflict.
What to do if the opponent could not restrain himself and switched to shouting? Do not break into reciprocal abuse!
If you feel guilty about the conflict yourself, do not be afraid to apologize. Remember that only smart people can do this.
Some methods of behavior in a conflict situation
There are several proven tricks on how to resolve conflict.
Reception number 1. Try to imagine yourself as a commentator watching an argument. Look at the conflict as if from the outside, and above all - at yourself.
Mentally fence yourself off with an impenetrable cap or body armor - you will immediately feel that the barbs and unpleasant words of your opponent seem to break against the barrier you have set up, and no longer hurt so sharply.
Seeing from the position of a commentator what qualities you lack in a conflict, endow yourself with them in your imagination and continue the argument as if you have them.
If you do this regularly, the missing qualities will really appear.
Reception number 2. How to resolve the conflict between the disputants? This very simple technique often helps not only to relieve tension, but to avoid confrontation altogether. You just need to move away or move away from the enemy. The closer the conflicting parties are physically, the stronger the intensity of passions.
Reception number 3. Surprise your opponent at the moment of conflict with a non-standard phrase or joke. It's just a great way to resolve conflict. It’s hard to argue with a person who is set to joke!
Reception number 4. If it is absolutely clear that the interlocutor deliberately provokes a conflict, offends and simply does not give a chance to answer, in such a situation it is better to leave, saying that you do not want to continue the conversation in this tone. It's better to move it to tomorrow.
By taking a time out, you will calm down, get a break to find the right words. And the person who provoked the quarrel will lose his confidence during this time.
What Not to Do in a Conflict
Good self-control is the key to success
You need to learn how to restrain emotions and In a conflict with partners or clients, it is strictly prohibited:
- irritable tone and swearing;
- a clear demonstration of one's own superiority;
- criticism of the opponent;
- searching for negative intentions in his actions;
- disclaiming responsibility, blaming the partner for everything;
- ignoring the interests of the opponent;
- exaggeration of one's role in the common cause;
- pressure on pain points.
The best way to get out of a conflict is not to bring it up
Psychologists advise treating conflict as a positive factor. If at the very beginning of building relationships, noticing conflict points, not hushing them up, you can stop serious quarrels in the bud.
You need to try to "put out the fire" before it flares up. Therefore, the best way to resolve the conflict is not to bring it to it. Indeed, in life there are already a lot of difficulties, and nerve cells will still come in handy.
Often the cause of confrontation is the accumulation of unspoken negativity. A person is annoyed by something in the behavior of a colleague or simply infuriated by some habit of a loved one, but he does not know how to say this so as not to spoil the relationship. Therefore, he is patient and silent. The effect is just the opposite. The accumulated irritation sooner or later spills out in an uncontrolled form, which can lead to a serious conflict. Therefore, it is very important not to bring it to a “boiling point”, but to calmly and tactfully express your claims as soon as they arise.
When Not to Avoid Conflict
But there are times when it is not worth it, because it is she who will help solve the problem. You can consciously go into conflict if:
- you need to defuse the situation by finding out what is sore with a loved one;
- there is a need to break off relations;
- to yield to an opponent means for you to betray your ideals.
But we must remember that deliberately going into conflict, it is necessary to sort things out intelligently.
How to Resolve Conflict Properly
To get out of the conflict situation as quickly as possible and with the least losses, we offer the following sequence of actions.
1. First of all, the existence of conflict must be recognized. We must not allow a situation where people feel opposition and act according to their chosen tactics, but do not openly talk about it. It will not be possible to resolve such a conflict without a joint discussion of the parties.
2. Having recognized the conflict, it is necessary to agree on negotiations. They can be either face to face or with the participation of an intermediary who suits both parties.
3. Determine what exactly constitutes the subject of confrontation. As practice shows, the parties to the conflict often see the essence of the problem differently. Therefore, it is necessary to find common ground in understanding the dispute. Already at this stage, it is important to determine whether convergence of positions is possible.
4. Develop several options for solutions, taking into account all possible consequences.
5. After considering all options, settle on one that suits both parties. Record the decision in writing.
6. Implement the solution. If this is not done immediately, the conflict will only deepen, and it will be much more difficult to re-negotiate.
We hope that our advice will help you, if not avoid conflicts, then get out of them with dignity.
You don't have to look far for examples. Violence in conflict resolution leads to fights, and at the level of large social groups - to wars and armed conflicts. The principle "The strong is always right" in a civilized version is transformed into the rule "The boss is always right."
The only advantage of using force is the ability to quickly end the conflict. However, strategically such a decision is always ineffective. Violence, as you know, breeds violence. That is, the suppressed side will be, to put it mildly, dissatisfied with such a solution to the conflict. This pushes to hidden resistance, and sometimes to open rebellion, which again requires violence to suppress. In essence, this means that the winner constantly needs resources (military, material, intellectual) to maintain his victory.
Disconnection
In this case, the conflict is resolved by terminating the interaction, breaking off relations between the parties. An example would be a divorce between spouses, or ending a quarrel between passengers on a bus after one of them gets off at a bus stop.
On the one hand, the separation of the conflicting parties completely resolves the conflict. On the other hand, it leads to a post-conflict situation that can be very painful for one or both sides. And, finally, this method of resolving the conflict is not always possible to apply. Even divorced spouses do not always have the opportunity to leave, often they are connected by the presence of children. Competitors cannot leave the market. As a result of the rupture of contacts, the collapse of the common cause occurs.
Reconciliation
As a rule, reconciliation is achieved through negotiations between the parties. The conflicting parties come either to a compromise that takes into account part of the interests of both sides, or to agreement with the requirements of one of the parties, or they invent a solution that completely suits all the participants in the collision.
In practice, the conflicting parties first of all enter into negotiations. And only after failure they decide the case by violence or are separated. Negotiations are the most constructive form of ending the conflict: they are resorted to even after a military confrontation.
Ending the conflict with the help of a third party
All these methods depend on what position the third participant will take. He can act as an impartial mediator or as a force supporting one of the parties.
Violence and social pressure. Violence involving a third party is capable of exerting a weaker side over a stronger one. From here, for example, the practice began to seek help from a gangster or mafia "roof".
Court. The judicial resolution of the conflict is not based on the subjective ideas of the parties about their rightness, but on the system of law and public authority. However, the judicial solution of conflicts has its advantages and disadvantages. On the one hand, the court is an important achievement of civilization. On the other hand, no code of laws can take into account all the possible nuances of human relations - it is forced to adjust them to a certain standard. Secondly, there are loopholes in the legislation that allow you to replay the situation in your favor. Finally, the fairness of a judgment depends not only on the application of the law, but also on the ability of the judiciary to get to the heart of the matter.
Arbitration. The role of the third party is entrusted to a person (or group of persons), whose decision both parties undertake to obey. The main thing is that the conflicting parties are voluntarily ready to submit to the arbitral award.
Winning and losing in conflict
Participants in a conflict usually view its outcome as successful or unsuccessful, depending on whether their goals are achieved or not. This gives the impression that if one side wins, the other side will definitely lose. Actually it is not. That is, the “win-lose” situation, of course, exists, but there are two more besides it.
Loss is a loss.“Let me die, but he will die too” - such an attitude is far from uncommon. It happens that one of the opponents, realizing the impossibility of achieving his goals, does everything to "drown" his opponent as well.
Win - win. The parties offer each other cooperation in resolving the conflict. The zone of controversy is perceived not as a battlefield, but as a working platform for finding the optimal solution.
