V. Golyavkin
How we climbed into the pipe
A huge chimney was lying in the yard, and Vovka and I sat on it. We sat on this pipe, and then I said:
Let's climb into the pipe. We go in one end and we go out the other. Who gets out the fastest.
Vovka said:
And suddenly we'll suffocate there.
There are two windows in the chimney, I said, just like in a room. Are you breathing in the room?
Vovka said:
What kind of room is this? Since it's a pipe. - He always argues.
I climbed first, and Vovka counted. He counted to thirteen when I got out.
Come on, I, - said Vovka.
He climbed into the pipe, and I counted. I counted to sixteen.
You think fast, - he said, - come on! And he again climbed into the pipe.
I counted to fifteen.
It’s not stuffy at all, he said, it’s very cool there.
Then Petka Yashchikov approached us.
And we, - I say, - are climbing into the pipe! I got out on the account of thirteen, and he on fifteen.
Come on, I, - said Petya.
And he also climbed into the pipe.
He got out at eighteen.
We started laughing.
He climbed again.
He came out very sweaty.
Well, how? - he asked.
Sorry, I said, we didn't count now.
What does it mean that I crawled for nothing? He was offended, but climbed again.
I counted to sixteen.
Well, - he said, - gradually it will turn out! - And he climbed into the pipe again. This time he crawled there for a long time. Nearly twenty. He got angry, wanted to climb again, but I said:
Let others climb, - he pushed him away and climbed himself. I stuffed myself with a bump and crawled for a long time. I was very hurt.
I got out at thirty.
We thought you were gone,” Petya said.
Then Vovka climbed. I have already counted to forty, but he still does not get out. I look into the pipe - it's dark there. And there is no other end in sight.
Suddenly he gets out. From the end you entered. But he got out head first. Not with legs. That's what surprised us!
Wow, - says Vovka, - I almost got stuck. How did you turn around there?
With difficulty, - says Vovka, - I almost got stuck.
We were very surprised!
Mishka Menshikov came up here.
What are you doing here, he says?
Yes, - I say - we climb into the pipe. Do you want to climb?
No, he says, I don't want to. Why should I go there?
And we, - I say, - climb there.
You can see it, he says.
What is visible?
What did you climb there.
We look at each other. And really visible. We are all as it is in the red rust. Everything seems to be rusty. Just horror!
Well, I went, - says Mishka Menshikov. And he went.
And we didn’t climb into the pipe anymore. Although we were all rusty. We already had it anyway. It was possible to fly. But we still didn't climb.
Annoying Misha
Misha learned two poems by heart, and there was no peace from him. He climbed onto stools, sofas, even tables, and, shaking his head, immediately began to read one poem after another.
Once he went to the Christmas tree to the girl Masha, without taking off his coat, climbed into a chair and began to read one poem after another.
Masha even told him: "Misha, you're not an artist!"
But he did not hear, read everything to the end, got down from his chair and was so pleased that it was even surprising!
And in the summer he went to the village. Grandmother had a big stump in her garden. Misha climbed onto a stump and began to read one poem after another to his grandmother.
One must think how tired he was of his grandmother!
Then the grandmother took Misha to the forest. And there was clearing in the forest. And then Misha saw so many stumps that his eyes ran wide.
What stump to stand on?
He got really lost!
And so his grandmother brought him back, so bewildered. And since then he did not read poems, unless he was asked.
Prize
We made original costumes - no one else will have them! I will be a horse, and Vovka a knight. The only bad thing is that he should ride me and not me on him. And all because I'm a little younger. See what happens! But nothing can be done. True, we agreed with him: he will not ride me all the time. He rides me a little, and then he gets down and leads me along like horses are led by the bridle.
And so we went to the carnival.
They came to the club in ordinary suits, and then changed clothes and went out into the hall. I mean, we moved in. I crawled on all fours. And Vovka was sitting on my back. True, Vovka helped me to touch the floor with his feet. But it still wasn't easy for me.
Besides, I didn't see anything. I was wearing a horse mask. I couldn't see anything at all, even though there were holes in the mask for the eyes. But they were somewhere on the forehead. I crawled in the dark. Bumped into someone's legs. I ran into the convoy twice. Yes, what to say! Sometimes I shook my head, then the mask would come off and I would see the light. But for a moment. And then it's all dark again. I couldn't shake my head all the time!
I saw the light for a moment. But Vovka saw nothing at all. And he kept asking me what was ahead. And asked to crawl more carefully. And so I crawled carefully. I didn't see anything myself. How could I know what was ahead! Someone stepped on my arm. I stopped right now. And he refused to move on. I told Vovka:
Enough. Get off.
Vovka probably liked the ride, and he did not want to get off. He said that it was too early. But still he got down, took me by the bridle, and I crawled on. Now it was easier for me to crawl, although I still could not see anything. I offered to take off the masks and take a look at the carnival, and then put on the masks again. But Vovka said:
Then we will be recognized.
Must be fun here, I said. We just don't see anything...
But Vovka walked in silence. He firmly decided to endure to the end and get the first prize. My knees hurt. I said:
I will now sit on the floor.
Can horses sit? Vovka said. You are crazy! You are a horse!
I'm not a horse, I said. - You're a horse.
No, you are a horse, - answered Vovka. - And you know perfectly well that you are a horse, We will not receive an award.
So be it, I said. - I'm tired.
Don't do stupid things, - said Vovka. - Be patient.
I crawled up to the wall, leaned against it and sat on the floor.
You sit? - asked Vovka.
I'm sitting, I said.
Well, okay, - agreed Vovka. - You can still sit on the floor. Just be careful not to sit on a chair. Then everything was gone. Do you understand? A horse - and suddenly on a chair! ..
Music blared all around, laughing.
I asked:
Will it end soon?
Be patient, - said Vovka, - probably soon ... Vovka also could not stand it. Sat on the sofa. I sat next to him. Then Vovka fell asleep on the couch. And I fell asleep too. Then they woke us up and gave us a bonus.
We play Antarctica
Mom left home somewhere. And we were left alone. And we got bored. We flipped the table. They pulled a blanket over the legs of the table. And it turned out to be a tent. It's like we're in Antarctica. Where our dad is now.
Vitka and I climbed into the tent.
We were very pleased that here Vitka and I were sitting In a tent, although not in Antarctica, but as if in Antarctica, and around us there was ice and wind. But we got tired of sitting in a tent.
Vitka said:
Winterers do not sit like this all the time in a tent. They must be doing something.
Surely, - I said, - they catch whales, seals and something else. Of course they don't sit like that all the time!
Suddenly I saw our cat. I shouted:
Here is a seal!
Hooray! Vitka shouted. - Grab him! He also saw a cat.
The cat was walking towards us. Then she stopped. She looked at us carefully. And she ran back. She didn't want to be a seal. She wanted to be a cat. I understood it right away. But what could we do! There was nothing we could do. We need to catch someone! I ran, stumbled, fell, got up, but the cat was nowhere to be found.
She's here! - yelled Vitka. - Run here!
Vitka's legs stuck out from under the bed.
I crawled under the bed. It was dark and dusty in there. But the cat was not there.
I'm getting out, I said. - There is no cat here.
Here she is, - Vitka argued. - I saw her run here.
I got out all dusty and began to sneeze. Vitka kept fiddling under the bed.
She is there, - Vitka repeated.
So be it, I said. - I won't go there. I sat there for an hour. I'm over it.
Think! Vitka said. - And I?! I climb here more than you.
Finally Vitka also got out.
There she is! I shouted. The cat was sitting on the bed.
I almost grabbed her by the tail, but Vitka pushed me, the cat jumped - and onto the closet! Try to get it out of the closet!
What a seal, I said. - Can a seal sit on a closet?
Let it be a penguin, - said Vitka. - As if he were sitting on an ice floe. Let's whistle and shout. He then gets scared. And jump from the closet. This time we will capture the penguin.
We began to yell and whistle with all our might. I really can't whistle. Only Vitka whistled. But I yelled at the top of my lungs. Almost hoarse.
The penguin doesn't seem to hear. A very smart penguin. He lurks there and sits.
Come on, - I say, - let's throw something at him. Well, at least throw a pillow.
We threw a pillow on the wardrobe. The cat didn't jump out.
Then we threw three more pillows on the closet, mother's coat, all mother's dresses, father's skis, a saucepan, father's and mother's slippers, many books and much more. The cat didn't jump out.
Maybe it's not in the closet? - I said.
There she is, - said Vitka.
How is it there, since it is not there?
Don't know! Vitka says.
Vitka brought a basin of water and placed it by the cupboard. If the cat decides to jump from the closet, let it jump right into the pelvis. Penguins love to dive into the water.
We left something else on the closet. Wait - will it jump? Then they put a table up to the closet, a chair on the table, a suitcase on the chair, and climbed onto the closet.
And there is no cat.
The cat is gone. It is not known where.
Vitka began to get down from the closet and flopped right into the basin. Water spilled all over the room.
This is where mom comes in. And behind her is our cat. She apparently jumped into the window.
Mom threw up her hands and said:
What's going on here?
Vitka remained sitting in the pelvis. Before that I was scared.
How amazing, says Mom, that you can't leave them alone for a minute. You need to do this!
Of course, we had to clean everything ourselves. And even wash the floor. And the cat importantly walked around. And she looked at us with a look as if she was going to say: "Here, you will know that I am a cat. And not a seal and not a penguin."
A month later, our dad arrived. He told us about Antarctica, about the brave polar explorers, about their great work, and it was very funny to us that we thought that the only thing winterers do is to catch various whales and seals there ...
But we didn't tell anyone what we thought.
..............................................................................
Copyright: Golyavkin, stories for children
Funniest Literary Opus Competition
Send us withhowl short funny stories,
really happened in your life.
Great prizes await the winners!
Be sure to include:
1. Last name, first name, age
2. Title of work
3. Email address
Winners are determined in three age groups:
1 group - up to 7 years
Group 2 - from 7 to 10 years old
Group 3 - over 10 years old
Competitive works:
Didn't cheat...
This morning, as usual, I do a light jog. Suddenly a cry from behind - uncle, uncle! I stop - I see a girl of 11-12 years old rushing towards me with a Caucasian shepherd dog, continuing to shout: "Uncle, uncle!" I, thinking that something happened, go forward. When there were 5 meters left before our meeting, the girl was able to say the phrase to the end:
Uncle, I'm sorry, but she will bite you now !!!
Didn't cheat...
Sofia Batrakova, 10 years old
salt tea
It happened one morning. I got up and went to the kitchen for tea. I did everything automatically: I poured tea leaves, boiling water and put 2 tablespoons of granulated sugar. She sat down at the table and began to drink tea with pleasure, but it was not sweet tea, but salty! Waking up, I put salt instead of sugar.
My relatives made fun of me for a long time.
Guys, draw conclusions: go to bed on time so that you don’t drink salty tea in the morning!!!
Agata Popova, student of MOU "Secondary School No. 2, Kondopoga
Quiet time for seedlings
Grandmother and her grandson decided to plant tomato seedlings. Together they poured earth, planted seeds, watered them. Every day, the granddaughter looked forward to the appearance of sprouts. Here are the first shoots. How much joy! Seedlings grew by leaps and bounds. One evening, the grandmother told her grandson that tomorrow morning we would go to plant seedlings in the garden ... In the morning, the grandmother woke up early, and what was her surprise: all the seedlings were lying. Grandmother asks her grandson: “What happened to our seedlings?” And the granddaughter proudly replies: “I put our seedlings to sleep!”
school snake
After the summer, after the summer
I'm flying on wings to the classroom!
Together again - Kolya, Sveta,
Olya, Tolya, Katya, Stas!
How many stamps and postcards
Butterflies, beetles, snails.
Stones, glass, shells.
Eggs are motley cuckoos.
This is a hawk claw.
Here is the herbarium! - Chur, do not touch!
I take it out of my bag
What would you think?.. A snake!
Where is the noise and laughter now?
As if the wind had blown everyone away!
Dasha Balashova, 11 years old
Rabbit peace
Once I went to the market for shopping. I stood in line for meat, and a guy is standing in front of me, looking at the meat, and there is a sign with the inscription "Rabbit of the World." The guy probably did not immediately understand that "Rabbit of the World" is the name of the saleswoman, and now his turn comes up, and he says: "Give me 300-400 grams of the rabbit of the world," he says - very interesting, he never tried it. The saleswoman looks up and says, "Mira Rabbit is me." The whole line was just laughing.
Nastya Bohunenko, 14 years old
The winner of the competition is Ksyusha Alekseeva, 11 years old,
sent such a "chuckle":
I am Pushkin!
Once, in the fourth grade, we were asked to learn a poem. Finally the day came when everyone had to tell it. Andrey Alekseev was the first to go to the blackboard (he has nothing to lose, because his name is in front of everyone in the class magazine). Here he expressively recited a poem, and the teacher of literature, who came to our lesson to replace our teacher, asks for his last name and first name. And it seemed to Andrei that he was asked to name the author of the poem he had learned. Then he said so confidently and loudly: "Alexander Pushkin." Then the whole class roared with laughter along with the new teacher.
COMPETITION IS CLOSED
A funny story about a harmful liar schoolgirl Ninochka. A story for younger schoolchildren and middle school age.
Harmful Ninka Kukushkina. Author: Irina Pivovarova
Once Katya and Manechka went out into the yard, and there Ninka Kukushkina was sitting on a bench in a brand new brown school dress, a brand new black apron and a very white collar (Ninka was a first grader, she boasted that she was studying for fives, and she herself was a loser) and Kostya Palkin in a green cowboy shirt, sandals on bare feet and a blue cap with a large visor.
Ninka enthusiastically lied to Kostya that she had met a real hare in the forest in the summer, and this hare was so delighted to Ninka that he immediately climbed into her arms and did not want to get off. Then Ninka brought him home, and the hare lived with them for a whole month, drinking milk from a saucer and guarding the house.
Kostya listened to Ninka with half an ear. Stories about hares didn't bother him. Yesterday he received a letter from his parents saying that perhaps in a year they would take him to Africa, where they now lived and built a milk canning plant, and Kostya sat and thought about what he would take with him.
"Don't forget the fishing rod," thought Kostya. Yes, more guns. Winchester. Or a double shot."
Just then Katya and Manechka came up.
- What's this! - said Katya, after listening to the end of the "hare" story. - This is nothing! Think rabbit! Hares are rubbish! A real goat has been living on our balcony for a whole year now. My name is Aglaya Sidorovna.
"Aha," said Manechka. "Aglaya Sidorovna." She came to visit us from Kozodoevsk. We have been eating goat's milk for a long time.
"Exactly," said Katya. "Such a kind goat!" She brought us so much! Ten packets of nuts in chocolate, twenty cans of condensed goat milk, thirty packs of Yubileinoye cookies, and she herself does not eat anything but cranberry jelly, soup with beans and vanilla crackers!
“I’ll buy a double-barreled shotgun,” Kostya said respectfully.
- To make the milk smell good.
- They lie! They don't have any goats! Ninka got angry. "Don't listen, Kostya!" You know them!
- Still as it is! She sleeps in the basket at night in the fresh air. And sunbathing during the day.
- Liars! Liars! If a goat lived on your balcony, it would bleat all over the yard!
- Who bleated? What for? - asked Kostya, having managed to plunge into thoughts, to take or not to take aunt's loto to Africa.
- She bleats. Soon you will hear for yourself ... And now let's play hide and seek?
"Let's go," Kostya said.
And Kostya began to drive, and Manya, Katya and Ninka ran to hide. Suddenly, a loud goat bleating was heard in the yard. It was Manechka who ran home and bleated from the balcony:
- Be-ee... Me-ee...
Ninka crawled out of the hole behind the bushes in surprise.
— Kostya! Listen!
"Well, yes, it's bleating," said Kostya. "I told you...
And Manya backed for the last time and ran to help out.
Now Ninka drove.
This time, Katya and Manechka ran home together and began to bleat from the balcony. And then they went down and, as if nothing had happened, ran to help out.
“Listen, you really have a goat! - said Kostya. - What did you hide before?
She's not real, she's not real! shouted Ninka.
- Here's another, groovy! Yes, she reads books with us, counts to ten, and even knows how to talk like a human being. Here we go and ask her, and you stand here, listen.
Katya and Manya ran home, sat down behind the balcony bars and bleated in one voice:
— Ma-a-ma! Ma-a-ma!
- Well, how? - Katya leaned out. - Do you like it?
"Just think about it," said Nina. “Mom” any fool can say. Let me read a poem.
“I’ll ask you now,” Manya said, squatted down and shouted to the whole yard:
Our Tanya is crying loudly:
Dropped a ball into the river.
Hush, Tanechka, don't cry:
The ball will not sink in the river.
The old women on the benches shook their heads in bewilderment, and Sima the janitor, who at that time was diligently sweeping the yard, became alert and raised her head.
“Well, is it great, really?” Katya said.
- Awesome! Ninka made a sly face. “But I can’t hear anything. Ask your goat to read poetry louder.
Here Manechka yells like a good obscenity. And since Manya had a voice that was just right, and when Manya tried, she could roar so that the walls shook, it is not surprising that after the rhyme about the whining Tanechka, people's heads began to protrude out of all the windows indignantly, and Matvey Semenycheva Alpha, who at this time ran in the yard, barked deafeningly.
And the janitor Sima ... There is no need to talk about her! Her relationship with the Skovorodkin children was not the best. They Sime was fed up with their antics to death.
Therefore, having heard inhuman cries from the balcony of the eighteenth apartment, Sima rushed straight into the entrance with her broom and began to beat her fists on the door of the eighteenth apartment.
And the most mischievous Ninka, pleased that she managed to teach Pan so well, after looking at the angry Sim, sweetly said as if nothing had happened:
Well done your goat! Great poetry reading! And now I'm going to read something to her.
And, dancing and sticking out her tongue, but not forgetting to adjust the blue nylon bow on her head, the cunning, mischievous Ninka squealed very disgustingly.
A short story with a lot of meaning is much easier for a child to master than a long story with several themes. Start reading with simple sketches and move on to more serious books. (Vasily Sukhomlinsky)
Ingratitude
Grandfather Andrey invited his grandson Matvey to visit. The grandfather put a large bowl of honey in front of his grandson, put white rolls, invites:
- Eat, Matveyka, honey. If you want, eat honey with rolls with a spoon, if you want - rolls with honey.
Matvey ate honey with rolls, then - rolls with honey. I ate so much that it became difficult to breathe. He wiped his sweat, sighed and asked:
- Tell me, please, grandfather, what kind of honey is it - lime or buckwheat?
- And what? - Grandfather Andrei was surprised. - I treated you with buckwheat honey, granddaughters.
“Linden honey is still tastier,” said Matvey and yawned: after a plentiful meal, he felt sleepy.
Pain squeezed the heart of grandfather Andrei. He was silent. And the grandson continued to ask:
- And the flour for rolls - from spring or winter wheat? Grandfather Andrei turned pale. His heart clenched with unbearable pain.
It became hard to breathe. He closed his eyes and groaned.
Why say "thank you"?
Two people were walking along the forest road - grandfather and a boy. It was hot, they wanted to drink.
The travelers came to a stream. Cool water gurgled softly. They leaned over and got drunk.
“Thank you, stream,” Grandpa said. The boy laughed.
- Why did you say "thank you" to the stream? he asked his grandfather. - After all, the stream is not alive, will not hear your words, will not understand your gratitude.
- This is true. If the wolf got drunk, he would not say “thank you”. And we are not wolves, we are people. Do you know why a person says "thank you"?
Think who needs this word?
The boy thought. He had plenty of time. The road was long...
Martin
The mother swallow taught the chick to fly. The chick was very small. He clumsily and helplessly waved his weak wings. Unable to stay in the air, the chick fell to the ground and was badly hurt. He lay motionless and squealed plaintively. The mother swallow was very alarmed. She circled over the chick, screaming loudly and did not know how to help him.
The little girl picked up the chick and put it in a wooden box. And she put the box with the chick on the tree.
The swallow took care of her chick. She brought him food daily, fed him.
The chick began to recover quickly and was already chirping merrily and cheerfully waving its strengthened wings.
The old red cat wanted to eat the chick. He quietly crept up, climbed a tree and was already at the very box. But at this time the swallow flew off the branch and began to fly boldly in front of the very nose of the cat. The cat rushed after her, but the swallow deftly dodged, and the cat missed and slammed to the ground with all his might.
Soon the chick completely recovered and the swallow, with a joyful chirping, took him to his native nest under the neighboring roof.
Evgeny Permyak
How Misha wanted to outsmart his mother
Misha's mother came home after work and threw up her hands:
- How did you, Mishenka, manage to break off the wheel of a bicycle?
- It, mother, broke off by itself.
- And why is your shirt torn, Mishenka?
- Mommy, she broke herself.
- And where did your second shoe go? Where did you lose it?
- He, mother, lost himself somewhere.
Then Misha's mother said:
- How bad they are! They, the scoundrels, need to teach a lesson!
- But as? Misha asked.
“Very simple,” Mom replied. - If they have learned to break themselves, tear themselves apart and get lost on their own, let them learn to repair themselves, sew themselves up, stay on their own. And you and I, Misha, will sit at home and wait until they do all this.
Misha sat down by the broken bicycle, in a torn shirt, without a shoe, and thought hard. Apparently, this boy had something to think about.
Short story "Ah!"
Nadia didn't know how to do anything. Grandmother Nadya dressed, put on shoes, washed, combed her hair.
Mom Nadya was fed from a cup, fed from a spoon, put to bed, lulled.
Nadia heard about the kindergarten. It's fun for friends to play there. They dance. They sing. They listen to stories. Good for kids in kindergarten. And Nadenka would have been fine there, but they didn't take her there. Not accepted!
Oh!
Nadia cried. Mom cried. Grandma cried.
- Why didn't you take Nadya to kindergarten?
And in kindergarten they say:
How can we accept her when she can't do anything.
Oh!
Grandma caught on, mom caught on. And Nadia caught on. Nadia began to dress herself, put on her own shoes, wash herself, eat, drink, comb her hair, and go to bed.
As they found out about this in kindergarten, they themselves came for Nadia. They came and took her to the kindergarten, dressed, shod, washed, combed.
Oh!
Nikolai Nosov
steps
One day Petya was returning from kindergarten. That day he learned to count to ten. He reached his house, and his younger sister Valya was already waiting at the gate.
“I already know how to count!” Petya boasted. - I learned in kindergarten. Look how I now count all the steps on the stairs.
They began to climb the stairs, and Petya loudly counted the steps:
- Well, why did you stop? Valya asks.
“Wait, I forgot which step is next. I will remember now.
“Well, remember,” says Valya.
They stood on the stairs, they stood. Petya says:
- No, I can't remember that. Well, let's start over.
They went down the stairs. They started going up again.
“One,” says Petya, “two, three, four, five… And he stopped again.
- Forgot again? Valya asks.
- Forgot! How is it! I just remembered and suddenly forgot! Well, let's try again.
They went down the stairs again, and Petya started over:
One, two, three, four, five...
“Maybe twenty-five?” Valya asks.
- Well no! You just stop thinking! You see, I forgot because of you! Will have to start over again.
I don't want to at first! Valya says. - What it is? Up, then down, then up, then down! My legs already hurt.
“If you don’t want to, don’t,” Petya answered. “I won’t go any further until I remember.”
Valya went home and said to her mother:
- Mom, there Petya counts steps on the stairs: one, two, three, four, five, but then he doesn’t remember.
“And then six,” Mom said.
Valya ran back to the stairs, and Petya kept counting the steps:
One, two, three, four, five...
- Six! Valya whispers. - Six! Six!
- Six! Petya was delighted and went on. - Seven eight nine ten.
It’s good that the stairs ended, otherwise he would never have reached the house, because he only learned to count up to ten.
Slide
The children built a snow hill in the yard. They poured water on her and went home. The cat didn't work. He was sitting at home, looking out the window. When the guys left, Kotka put on his skates and went up the hill. Teal skates in the snow, but can't get up. What to do? Kotka took the box of sand and sprinkled it on the hill. The guys came running. How to ride now? The guys were offended by Kotka and forced him to cover the sand with snow. Kotka untied his skates and began to cover the hill with snow, and the guys poured water over it again. Kotka also made steps.
Nina Pavlova
The little mouse got lost
The mother gave the forest mouse a wheel made of dandelion stem and said:
- Come on, play, ride near the house.
- Pip-pip-pip! the mouse shouted. - I will play, I will ride!
And rolled the wheel down the path. I rolled it, rolled it, and played so much that I did not notice how I found myself in a strange place. Last year's linden nuts were lying on the ground, and above, behind the carved leaves, a completely foreign place! The mouse is quiet. Then, so that it would not be so scary, he put his wheel on the ground, and he sat in the middle. Sitting and thinking
“Mom said: “Ride near the house.” And where is now near the house?
But then he saw that the grass trembled in one place and a frog jumped out.
- Pip-pip-pip! the mouse shouted. - Tell me, frog, where is near the house, where is my mother?
Fortunately, the frog knew just that and answered:
- Run straight and straight under these flowers. Meet the newt. He has just crawled out from under the stone, lies and breathes, is about to crawl into the pond. From the newt, turn left and run along the path all straight and straight. You will meet a white butterfly. She sits on a blade of grass and waits for someone. From the white butterfly, turn left again and then shout to your mother, she will hear.
- Thanks! - said the mouse.
He picked up his wheel and rolled it between the stems, under the bowls of white and yellow anemone flowers. But the wheel soon became stubborn: it would hit one stalk, then another, then it would get stuck, then it would fall. And the mouse did not back down, pushed him, pulled him, and finally rolled out onto the path.
Then he remembered the newt. After all, the newt never met! And he did not meet because he had already managed to crawl into the pond while the little mouse was fiddling with his wheel. So the mouse did not know where he needed to turn left.
And again he rolled his wheel at random. Rolled up to the tall grass. And again, grief: the wheel got tangled in it - and neither back nor forward!
Barely managed to get him out. And then only the mouse remembered the white butterfly. After all, she never met.
And the white butterfly sat, sat on a blade of grass and flew away. So the little mouse did not know where he needed to turn left again.
Fortunately, the mouse met a bee. She flew to the flowers of red currant.
- Pip-pip-pip! the mouse shouted. - Tell me, bee, where is near the house, where is my mother?
And the bee just knew this and answered:
- Run downhill now. You will see - in the lowland something turns yellow. It's as if the tables are covered with patterned tablecloths, and on them are yellow cups. This is a spleen, such a flower. From the spleen go uphill. You will see flowers radiant like the sun and next to them - on long legs - fluffy white balls. This is a coltsfoot flower. Turn right from him and then shout to your mother, she will hear.
- Thanks! the mouse said...
Where to run now? And it was already getting dark, and no one could be seen around! The mouse sat down under a leaf and cried. And he cried so loudly that his mother heard him and came running. How happy he was for her! And she even more: she didn’t even hope that her son was alive. And they merrily ran side by side home.
Valentina Oseeva
Button
Tanya's button came off. Tanya sewed it to her blouse for a long time.
“Well, grandmother,” she asked, “do all boys and girls know how to sew on their buttons?”
- I really don't know, Tanyusha; both boys and girls know how to tear off buttons, but grandmothers get more and more to sew on.
- That's how! Tanya said offended. - And you made me, as if you yourself were not a grandmother!
Three comrades
Vitya lost his breakfast. At the big break, all the guys had breakfast, and Vitya stood on the sidelines.
- Why do not you eat? Kolya asked him.
Lost breakfast...
- Bad, - said Kolya, biting off a large piece of white bread. - It's still a long way to lunch!
- Where did you lose it? Misha asked.
- I don't know... - Vitya said quietly and turned away.
- You probably carried it in your pocket, but you need to put it in your bag, - said Misha. But Volodya did not ask anything. He went up to Vita, broke a piece of bread and butter in half and handed it to his comrade:
- Take it, eat it!
Call Natasha on the phone!
- Natasha is not there, what can I tell her?
Give her five roubles!
The patient came to the doctor:
- Doctor, you advised me to fall asleep, count to 100,000!
- Well, how did you fall asleep?
No, it's already morning! Sent by Yana Sukhoverkhova from Estonia, Pärnu on May 18, 2003
- Vasya! Does it bother you that you're left-handed?
- Not. Every person has their own shortcomings. Here you are, for example, with which hand do you stir the tea?
- Right!
- Here you see! And normal people interfere with a spoon!
A psycho is walking down the street and dragging a thread behind him.
A passer-by asks him:
- Why are you dragging a thread behind you?
What should I push forward?
- I have a neighbor - a vampire was.
— How did you know that?
- And I drove an aspen stake into his chest, and he died.
"Boy, why are you crying so bitterly?"
- Due to rheumatism.
- What? So small, and you already have rheumatism?
- No, I got a deuce, because I wrote "rhyme" in the dictation!
— Sidorov! My patience has run out! Don't come to school tomorrow without your father!
- And the day after tomorrow?
"Petya, what are you laughing at?" Personally, I don't see anything funny!
- And you can’t see: after all, you sat on my sandwich with jam!
— Petya, how many excellent students are in your class?
“Not counting me, four.
- Are you an excellent student?
- Not. That's what I said - except for me!
Phone call in the teacher's room:
— Hello! Is this Anna Alekseevna? Tolya's mother says.
— Who-whom? I can't hear well!
- Tolya! I spell it out: Tatyana, Oleg, Leonid, Ivan, Kirill, Andrey!
- What? And all the kids are in my class?
In a drawing lesson, one student turns to a neighbor on the desk:
- You drew well! I've whetted my appetite!
— Appetite? From sunrise?
- Wow! I thought you drew an egg!
During the singing lesson, the teacher said:
Let's talk about opera today. Who knows what opera is?
Vovochka raised his hand:
- I know. This is when one person kills another in a duel, and he sings for a long time before falling!
The teacher handed out notebooks after checking the dictation.
Vovochka approaches the teacher with his notebook and asks:
“Maria Ivanovna, I didn’t understand what you wrote down here!
- I wrote: "Sidorov, write legibly!"
The teacher told the lesson about the great inventors. Then she asked the students:
- What would you like to invent?
One student said:
- I would invent such an automaton: press a button - and all the lessons are ready!
- Well, lazy! the teacher laughed.
Here Vovochka raised his hand and said:
- And I would come up with a device that would press this button!
Vovochka answers in a zoology lesson:
- The length of the crocodile from head to tail is 5 meters, and from tail to head - 7 meters ...
“Think about what you are saying,” the teacher interrupts Vovochka. - Is it possible?
“It happens,” Vovochka replies. - For example, from Monday to Wednesday - two days, and from Wednesday to Monday - five!
— Vovochka, what do you want to be when you grow up?
— An ornithologist.
Is this the one who studies birds?
- Yeah. I want to cross a dove with a parrot.
- Why?
- And if suddenly the dove gets lost so that he can ask for the way home!
The teacher asks Vovochka:
What teeth are the last to appear in a person?
“Artificial,” answered Little Johnny.
Vovochka stops the car on the street:
- Uncle, take me to school!
- I'm going in the opposite direction.
- All the better!
- Dad, - says Little Johnny, - I have to tell you that tomorrow there will be a small meeting of students, parents and teachers at the school.
What does "small" mean?
“It’s just you, me, and the class teacher.
We wrote a dictation. When Alla Grigoryevna was checking notebooks, she turned to Antonov:
- Kolya, why are you so inattentive? I dictated: "The door creaked and opened." What did you write? "The door creaked and fell off!"
And everyone laughed!
“Vorobiev,” said the teacher, “you didn’t do your homework again!” Why?
— Igor Ivanovich, we had no electricity yesterday.
— And what were you doing? I suppose you watched TV?
Yeah, in the dark...
And everyone laughed!
A young teacher complains to her friend:
- One of my students completely tortured me: he makes noise, hooligans, disrupts lessons!
“But does he have at least one positive quality?”
- Unfortunately, there is - he does not miss classes ...
At the German lesson, we went through the topic "My Hobby". The teacher called Petya Grigoriev. He stood and was silent for a long time.
“I don’t hear an answer,” said Elena Alekseevna. — What is your hobby?
Then Petya said in German:
— Their bean briefmark! (I'm a postage stamp!)
And everyone laughed!
The lesson has begun. The teacher asked:
- Duty officer, who is missing from the class?
Pimenov looked around and said:
- Missing Mushkin.
At that moment, Mushkin's head appeared in the doorway:
I'm not absent, I'm here!
And everyone laughed!
It was a geometry lesson.
- Who solved the problem? asked Igor Petrovich.
Vasya Rybin was the first to raise his hand.
- Excellent, Rybin, - the teacher praised, - Please, to the blackboard!
Vasya went to the blackboard and said importantly:
Consider triangle ABCD!
And everyone laughed!
Why weren't you at school yesterday?
“My older brother is sick.
— And what about you?
And I rode his bike!
— Petrov, why are you learning English so badly?
- What for?
- What do you mean why? After all, this language is spoken by half of the globe!
“And isn’t that enough?
- Petya, if you met old Hottabych, what wish would you ask him to fulfill?
— I would ask to make London the capital of France.
- Why?
- And I answered yesterday in geography and got a deuce! ..
- Well done, mitya. dad says. — How did you manage to get an A in zoology?
- They asked me how many legs an ostrich has and I answered - three.
“Wait, but an ostrich has two legs!”
— Yes, but all the others said four!
Petya was invited to visit. They tell him:
Petya, take another piece of cake.
Thanks, I've already eaten two pieces.
“Then eat a tangerine.”
Thanks, I've already eaten three tangerines.
“Then take some fruit with you.
Thanks, I already got it!
Cheburashka found a penny on the road. Comes to the store where they sell toys. He gives a penny to the saleswoman and says:
“Give me this toy, this one, and this one!”
The saleswoman looks at him in surprise.
- Well, what are you waiting for? Cheburashka says. - Let's change, and I went!
Vovochka with dad at the zoo are standing by the cage where the lion sits.
- Dad, - says Little Johnny, - and if a lion accidentally jumps out of the cage and eats you, which bus should I take home? ..
- Dad, - asks Little Johnny, - why don't you have a car?
— No money for a car. So don't be lazy, study better, become a good specialist and buy yourself a car.
- Dad, why were you lazy at school?
“Petya,” Dad asks, “why are you limping?”
“I put my foot in the mousetrap and got pinched.
Don't poke your nose where it doesn't belong!
— Grandpa, what are you doing with this bottle? Do you want to install a boat in it?
“That's exactly what I wanted at first. And now I would be glad to just pull my hand out of the bottle!
“Daddy,” the daughter turns to her father, “our phone works ugly!”
- And why did you decide so?
- Now I was talking with my girlfriend and did not understand anything.
Have you tried taking turns speaking?
“Mom,” asked Little Johnny, “how much toothpaste is in the tube?”
- I do not know.
- And I know: from the sofa to the door!
- Dad, get on the phone! Petya called to his father, who was shaving in front of the mirror.
When dad finished the conversation, Petya asked him:
Dad, are you good at remembering faces?
“I seem to remember. And what?
“The thing is, I accidentally broke your mirror…
- Dad, what is "telefigurotivization"?
- I do not know. Where did you read it?
I didn't read it, I wrote it!
- Natasha, why are you writing a letter to your grandmother so slowly?
- It's okay: after all, grandmother also reads slowly!
Anna, what have you done! You broke a vase that was two hundred years old!
What a blessing, Mom! I thought it was brand new!
- Mom, what is etiquette?
- This is the ability to yawn with your mouth closed ...
The art teacher says to Vovochka's father:
“Your son has exceptional abilities. Yesterday he drew a fly on the desk, and I even beat off my hand, trying to drive it away!
— What's that! Recently, he made a crocodile in the bathroom, and I got so scared that I tried to jump out through the door, which was also painted on the wall.
Vovochka says to his father:
- Dad, I decided to give you a present for your birthday!
- The best gift for me, - said dad, - is if you study for one five.
“Too late, dad, I already bought you a tie!”
A little boy is watching his dad at work, who is painting the ceiling.
Mom says:
- Look, Petya, and learn. And when you grow up, you will help dad.
Petya is surprised:
“What, he won’t have finished by then?”
The hostess, hiring a new maid, asked her:
“Tell me, dear, do you like parrots?”
— Oh, don't worry, madam, I eat everything!
An auction is taking place in the pet store - there is a sale of talking parrots. One of the buyers who bought the parrot asks the seller:
Does he really speak well?
- Still would! After all, he was always raising the price!
- Petya, what will you do if you are attacked by hooligans?
- I'm not afraid of them - I know judo, karate, aikedo and other scary words!
— Hello! Animal protecting community? In my yard, a postman sits on a tree and calls my poor dog names with various bad words!
The three bears return to their hut.
— Who touched my plate and ate my porridge?! Papa Bear growled.
Who touched my saucer and ate my porridge?! squeaked the little bear.
“Calm down,” said the mother bear. - There was no porridge: I didn’t cook it today!
One person caught a cold and decided to be treated by self-hypnosis. He stood in front of the mirror and began to suggest to himself:
- I won't sneeze, I won't sneeze, I won't sneeze... A-a-pchhi!!! It's not me, it's not me, it's not me...
“Mommy, why does daddy have so little hair on his head?”
- The fact is that our dad thinks a lot.
"Then why do you have such curly hair?"
- Dad, today the teacher told us about an insect that lives only one day. That's great!
- Why - "great"?
- Imagine, you can celebrate your birthday all your life!
One fisherman, a teacher by profession, caught a small catfish, admired it, and, throwing it back into the river, said:
“Go home and come tomorrow with your parents!”
Husband and wife came by car to visit. Leaving the car at the house, they tied the dog nearby and told her to guard the car. When they got ready to return home in the evening, they saw that all the wheels had been removed from the car. And a note was attached to the car: "Do not scold the dog, it was barking!"
One Englishman went into a bar with a dog and said to the visitors:
- I bet that my talking dog will now read Hamlet's monologue "To be or not to be!"
Alas, he immediately lost the bet. Because the dog didn't say a single word.
Coming out of the bar, the owner began to shout at the dog:
- Are you completely stupid? I lost a thousand pounds because of you!
"You're stupid," said the dog. “Don’t you understand that tomorrow in the same bar we can win ten times more!”
- You have a strange dog - she sleeps all day. How can she guard the house?
- It's very simple: when someone else approaches the house, we wake her up, and she starts barking.
The wolf is going to eat the hare. Hare says:
- Let's agree. I will give you three riddles. If you don't guess them, then you will let me go.
- I agree.
— A pair of black, shiny, with laces.
The wolf is silent.
- It's a pair of shoes. Now the second riddle: four black, shiny, with laces.
The wolf is silent.
- Two pairs of boots. The third riddle is the most difficult: lives in a swamp, green, croaks, starts with "la", ends with "gushka".
The wolf shouts joyfully:
- Three pairs of boots!
Bats hang from the ceiling. All, as expected, heads down, and one - head up. Mice hanging in the neighborhood are talking:
Why is she hanging upside down?
And she does yoga!
The crow found a large piece of cheese. Then a fox suddenly jumped out from behind the bushes and gave the crow a slap on the back of the head. The cheese fell out, the fox immediately grabbed it and ran away.
Stunned crow with resentment says:
- Wow, the fable was reduced!
The out of breath director of the zoo comes running to the police station:
- For God's sake, help - an elephant ran away from us!
"Calm down, citizen," said the policeman. We'll find your elephant. Name special signs!
An owl flies and shouts:
- Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!
Suddenly he hit a pole:
- Wow!
A Japanese schoolboy enters a company store that sells watches.
— Do you have a reliable alarm clock?
“There is nowhere safer,” the seller answers. “First, a siren goes off, then an artillery salvo goes off, and a glass of cold water is poured over your face. If that doesn't work, the alarm will ring the school and let you know you've got the flu!
Guide: - in front of you is a rare exhibit of our museum - a beautiful statue of a Greek warrior. Unfortunately, he is missing an arm and a leg, and his head is damaged in some places. The title is "Winner".
Visitor: Great! I'd like to see what's left of the vanquished!
A foreign tourist who has arrived in Paris addresses a Frenchman:
- I come here for the fifth time, and I see that nothing has changed!
– What needs to change? he asks.
Tourist (pointing to the Eiffel Tower):
- In the end, did they find oil here, or not?
One secular lady asked Heine:
What do you need to do to learn to speak French?
- It's not difficult, - he answered, - just instead of German words, you need to use French.
In a history lesson at a French school:
Who was the father of Louis XVI?
— Louis XV.
- Good. What about Charles VII?
— Charles the Sixth.
What about Francis the First? Well, what are you silent?
“Francis… Zero!”
In history class, the teacher said:
Today we will repeat the old material. Natasha, ask Semyonov a question.
Natasha thought about it and asked:
What year was the War of 1812 in?
And everyone laughed.
Parents had no time, and grandfather went to the parent meeting. He came in a bad mood and immediately began to scold his grandson:
- Disgrace! It turns out that you have solid deuces in history! For example, I always had fives in this subject!
“Of course,” the grandson replied, “at the time when you were studying, the story was much shorter!
Baba Yaga asks Koshchei the Deathless:
- How did you relax on New Year's holidays?
- He shot himself a couple of times, drowned himself three times, hanged himself once - in general, he had fun!
Winnie the Pooh congratulated the donkey on his birthday, and then says:
— Eeyore, you must be many years old?
- Why do you say that?
"Judging by your ears, you've been tugged at them a lot!"
The client enters the photo studio and asks the receptionist:
- I wonder why everyone is laughing in your photos?
— And you should have seen our photographer!
- What are you complaining about? the doctor asks the patient.
“You know, by the end of the day I just fall from fatigue.
— What do you do in the evenings?
- I play the violin.
- I recommend that music lessons be stopped immediately!
When the patient left, the nurse asked the doctor in surprise:
- Ivan Petrovich, what does music lessons have to do with it?
- Absolutely nothing. It's just that this woman lives on the floor above me, and we have disgusting soundproofing!
- Yesterday I pulled out a pike weighing twenty kilograms from the hole!
- Can't be!
- That's it, I thought that no one would believe me, so I released it back ...
The summer resident addresses the owner of the dacha:
Could you lower the room rate a little?
- Yes, what are you? With such a beautiful view of the birch grove!
“And if I promise you that I won’t look out the window?”
The millionaire shows his villa to the guest and says:
- And here I am going to build three pools: one with cold water, the second with warm water, and the third without water at all.
- Without water? the guest is surprised. - Why?
The thing is, some of my friends can't swim...
At an art exhibition, one visitor asks another:
Do you think this picture depicts a sunrise or a sunset?
Of course, sunset.
- Why do you think so?
— I know this artist. He doesn't wake up before noon.
Buyer: I would like to buy some book.
Seller: - Do you want something light?
Buyer: It doesn't matter, I'm in a car!
An unknown young man set a world record in the 100 meters. The journalist is interviewing him:
— How did you do it? Have you trained a lot in any sports club?
- No, in the shooting range. I work there to change targets...
- I recently ran two kilometers in one minute at a school competition!
- You're lying! That's better than the world record!
Yes, but I know a shortcut!
