Shyness is perhaps one of the most difficult and most common interpersonal relationship problems. It contributes to the emergence of a number of very significant difficulties in dealing with people. Shy people every day face problems of perception and being in society. It is difficult for them to meet new people, make new friends, in the course of communication they experience negative emotional states, which can alienate the interlocutor and even negatively set them up, they have difficulty in expressing their opinions, are overly restrained, do not know how to present themselves, are constrained in the society of people and etc.
This feature, like most psychological problems, has its roots in childhood. . Observations made by psychologists have shown that shyness appears in children as early as the age of three and can persist throughout preschool childhood. Almost all children who behaved shyly at the age of three retained this quality until school. During the preschool period, the types and forms of shyness also undergo changes. At the younger preschool age, shyness manifests itself the weakest, at the age of five it increases and again decreases by the age of seven. In the fifth year of life, an increase in signs of shyness has the character of an age-related phenomenon. Appearing during this period, this quality can remain a stable personality trait, darkening and complicating a person's life. It is very important to recognize this trait in time and try to stop its development.
In shy children, the behavior usually reflects the struggle of opposite tendencies: on the one hand, the child, due to his curiosity and contact, wants to approach an adult stranger, and begins to move towards him, but as he approaches, the steps slow down and the child stops, he can bypass the person or go back. Such behavior is called ambivalent.
During communication with strangers or when meeting with new circumstances, the child experiences acute emotional discomfort. Its signs are manifested in uncertainty, extreme timidity, tension, expression of fear or anxiety. In most cases, children are afraid of any public speaking, they may even be frightened by the need to answer questions from a teacher or teacher in the classroom.
These features can be seen by observing the behavior of the child. Children in whom they appear too often and are clearly expressed, especially in safe situations, are classified as shy. 
The analysis of specialists shows that such children are highly sensitive to the assessment of an adult (both expected and real). Shy children have a heightened expectation of evaluation and perception. In cases where difficulties arise, he hesitantly looks into the eyes of an adult, embarrassed at the same time to ask for help. The child is especially shy in those situations in which he expects failure. Luck usually calms and inspires them, but at the slightest remark there is a slowdown in activity and a new surge of embarrassment and timidity. Overcoming internal tension, the child smiles timidly, shudders slightly and quietly says: “It doesn’t work out.” On the one hand, the child is unsure of the positive assessment of an adult, on the other hand, he recognizes the correctness of his own actions. Shyness is manifested in the desire to attract attention on the one hand and the fear of being in the center of attention, standing out among peers, on the other. This feature is very clearly manifested at the first meeting of a child with an adult, as well as at the beginning of their joint activities.
All difficulties in the child's communication with other people are closely related to the perception of the relations of others and his attitude towards himself. . When a child expects a critical attitude from adults, this determines his embarrassment and timidity. This is especially noticeable when the child communicates with unfamiliar or unfamiliar people, whose attitude towards him is unknown. The uncertainty of the adult's assessment practically paralyzes the child, so he tries to avoid this situation, or switch the interlocutor's attention to something else. Not daring to openly receive support, children resort to a very peculiar way of strengthening their ego, for example, they bring their favorite toy with them to class, pressing it to themselves in case of difficulty.
But it should be noted that the level of mental development of such children is in no way inferior to their peers. On the contrary, often shy children cope with tasks much better than their non-shy peers. However, in the case of a negative assessment or failure, they are less persistent in achieving a result. These children are extremely sensitive to the assessments of an adult, especially if they are negative, thereby paralyzing both communication and practical activities of the child. A non-shy child in such a situation seeks to actively search for a mistake and tries to attract the attention of an adult, while a shy preschooler shrinks externally and internally, feeling guilty for ineptitude, and does not dare to ask for help.
Increased anxiety often obscures the content and communication of joint activities. Respect and recognition act as the main ones, obscuring business and cognitive interests, preventing the realization of abilities and communication. The painful experience of one's own Self, one's vulnerability, constantly limits, fetters the child, not giving him the opportunity to express his feelings, to openly show his excellent abilities. However, in those situations when the child is distracted and "forgets about himself", he is just as sociable and open as his not too shy peers.
Summarize. A shy child seeks to communicate with other people and treats them kindly, at the same time he does not dare to show his needs and himself. The reason for such violations lies in the nature of the child's relationship to himself. The child, as you know, has a fairly high self-esteem, considers himself very good, and at the same time doubts the benevolent attitude of others, especially people he does not know. The uncertainty of a shy child blocks his initiative, makes it impossible to satisfy the existing needs for full communication, disclosure of his own talents and joint activities to the fullest.
Yulia Bondarenko, teacher of the network of family centers "ABC for parents".
The world is indispensable without communication. You need to build relationships, sometimes declare yourself and argue. It is difficult to do this when, while communicating with others, you experience a feeling of awkwardness, stiffness, fear of starting or maintaining a conversation, and also perceive yourself as an object for discussion by others. All this is experienced by a shy child, who then has every chance of becoming an unhappy adult.
You can change the situation for the better in childhood, when parents notice “alarm bells”: the kid always prefers solitude to games with peers, falls into a stupor if you need to read a quatrain on a matinee in the garden, hides behind his mother or grandmother for any reason. And if communication skills are not formed in time, it becomes more and more difficult to overcome shyness with age. The child closes in on himself. And mom and dad, wanting to help him, often aggravate the situation.
Common Mistakes Parents of Shy Children Make
Parents most often occupy one of two extreme positions:
1. They strive with all their might to remake a shy child. They are sent to a theater studio, forced to stand on a stool in front of the guests - to sing songs and read poetry, etc. In other words, they do everything so that the child gets into a situation in which he does not want to be, and cope with his shyness in one fell swoop. In fact, parents create a lot of unnecessary stress. The baby, in addition to other experiences, begins to form a sense of guilt (that did not live up to parental expectations) or fear (after all, the threat of punishment is also frightening).
2. Do nothing and turn a blind eye to the problem of shyness. Here, most often, parents proceed from their own selfish interests. In psychology, there is such a concept - “secondary benefit” (for example, a person’s emotional state or even illness brings some benefit that he himself may not be aware of). And the "secondary benefit" of shyness is a "convenient" child for parents. Some perceive the shyness of the child simply as a kind of character trait and do not seek to somehow change the situation for the better. They believe that the child has no problem. He does not make noise, does not run, does not climb anywhere, sits quietly and is silent. But between the concepts of “comfortable” baby and “happy” it is impossible to put an equal sign. It is naive to believe that a shy child will grow up and at 15, 20, or even 30 years old will say: that's it, I'm tired of being shy, I won't be shy anymore. “By slowing down” the situation, parents deprive their son or daughter of a further successful life.
How to proceed?
Look for the golden mean. Support a shy child, taking into account the characteristics and causes of the child's shyness, provide the support that he needs and help him to be happy.
Why is the child shy? Looking for reasons
To successfully deal with childhood shyness, you first need to determine its cause.
1. The child is shy due to age
It happens that a child is shy of strangers due to age characteristics. For example, at 6–9 months, and sometimes up to 1.5 years, the baby will no longer go so easily to strangers. For the crumbs at this moment, any unusual person is a source of danger. This is how the instinct of self-preservation of the crumbs works. This is a stage of development, and there is no need to fight it.
What to do?
Just get through this period. Respect the fact that the child behaves this way, support him with words and actions - be there when there are a lot of strangers in the room and the baby is afraid.
2. The child is shy due to lack of experience.
This often happens if a child grew up in a family for a long time, in which he communicated mainly only with his father, mother, grandmother or nanny and a couple of familiar children. For example, if he lived far from the playgrounds. And it happens that before kindergarten, the child, in principle, had little contact with children, because his mother or grandmother protected him from this in every possible way. If also, then communication problems are very likely. After all, it can be stressful. And one of the reactions to stress is the child's shyness and unwillingness to make contact.
What to do?
Teach your child to communicate with other children. Look for opportunities when the baby will decide on his own, to the best of his ability, emerging conflicts, build relationships. Of course, the parents themselves need to be an example for the child, to show how it is to make friends, communicate, go to visit. Help your child pick up games that will be of interest to his potential friends.
3. The child is shy in a new environment.
Getting into an unfamiliar place, people adapt to it at different speeds: someone needs 2-3 weeks, someone will need a couple of hours. The children are the same. Once in an unfamiliar environment, the child needs some time to get used to it and begin to get to know other children.
What to do?
It is important here to give the child as much time as he needs. Don't rush him and don't drop one. Just be there and, if necessary, hold the hand. It is useful to talk in advance with the baby where you will go, what will happen there - whether it is a holiday at the children's center, or a meeting with friends. Promise that if the baby does not like it, you will leave immediately (and, if this happens, keep your word). It will be superfluous to praise too much the place where you are going. Having disappointed a child once, it will be more difficult to restore his trust.
4. The child is shy because of self-doubt
The child believes that he is the worst and ugliest and no one will play with him, and therefore does not seek to establish contacts. As a rule, the reason for such an attitude towards oneself comes from parents who, consciously or not, inspire the child with such thoughts. It happens that pedagogical errors also take place here, when the child’s attention is too often focused on mistakes, and not on achievements. Ignoring the child, when preference is given to other children in the garden or at home, leads to the fact that the baby ceases to take an active part in collective affairs, is afraid to answer once again, so as not to incur the wrath of parents and the teacher. All this looks like.
What to do?
Change your relationship with your child. To do this, you first need to recognize the fact that you are disappointed with the baby, that he is not what you wanted. Then you need to start tracking when you either ignore a child or scold too much, and do the opposite: increase his self-esteem, more often praising not only for some merits, but also just like that, kiss and hug. Pay attention to those of his actions that led to the result (painted the drawing, completed the garage from the designer, learned to ride a bicycle), not forgetting to praise the efforts that the child spent on this.
5. The shyness of the child is caused by the peculiarities of temperament.
It is believed that shy sanguine and choleric people are less common than timid phlegmatic and melancholic people. If the child is more an extrovert, that is, as if turned to the outside world, then he is more likely to be active and sociable. And if the baby is an introvert and is more focused on his inner world, then noisy companies, long communication with peers may not be interesting to him at all. He is so good.
What to do?
Understand what temperament your child has, what drives him during communication (or not communication) with other people, and realize his features. You can seek help from a psychologist who will explain what can and cannot be corrected in the behavior of the baby. Teach you how to do it and help you deal with accepting the situation.
Whatever your child is - a mischievous fidget or a quiet silent one, he always needs you. And the harder it is for him, the more he needs you. Be there!
star parents
Stas Kostyushkin, singer, and Bogdan (10 years old):
“Bogdan and I have a lot in common. He is just as sociable. I also cried a lot as a child. It was enough for me to hear from my mother: “All children are like children, and you ...” I immediately burst into tears. And Bonya is vulnerable. As soon as he says sternly: “Bogdan, come here,” he comes up, and I see that his lip is already trembling. I immediately begin to calm him down, because I remember myself at the age of my son and do not try to break him.
Maria Petrova, figure skater, and Polina (6 years old):
“Polya is not shy at all. She took a lot from me and my husband. True, when he is mischievous, Alexei says that he looks like me. She is not easygoing, but I like her character. I love it when an imp lives in children! Polina definitely has it! Sometimes you don't know what to expect from her. Naughty! Especially with her grandmothers, with whom she spends more time today than with us.”
No need to label. Parents should not once again emphasize the shyness of the baby to others (“Pay no attention, he doesn’t greet anyone with us:”), as if apologizing for him. Just as one should not belittle - intentionally or not - his dignity ("For five years now, and everyone is afraid of strangers"). Instead, point out the strengths of his personality, carefully use words that emphasize the positive aspects of his behavior (not "shy", but acts "cautiously" or "cautiously"). Pay attention to the moments when he is sociable and open, and those when he is acting shy, quickly forget.
The content of the article:
Shyness is an emotional state that makes a person feel uncomfortable, insecure about himself and his abilities. This feeling is inherent in everyone, but the degree of manifestation is different for everyone. Its formation is influenced by upbringing in the family circle and the experience of the past. The fear of everything new and unfamiliar makes a person withdraw into himself, can lead to mental disorders.
The impact of shyness on a person's life
In a person's life, shyness can play both the role of a "zest" and interfere with the achievement of goals, it all depends on the degree of manifestation. When meeting and the first joint conversation, attention is always paid to manners, the ability to conduct a dialogue and openness to the interlocutor.
If a person is tactful, moderately embarrassed, does not raise his voice, this indicates his good upbringing. But, if there is always a sense of fear for everything new, the fear of being the center of attention and doing something wrong, you need to sound the alarm and look for all sorts of ways to overcome shyness before it's too late.
A shy person is not always an eternally embarrassed and withdrawn person, he can play a role by wearing a quiet mask in public, and behave aggressively and hostilely with his family. This type of behavior is caused by an inability to speak his mind in public or act according to his own desires, after which he finds relaxation in family quarrels, and the key to this attitude lies deep in children's upbringing. Even in infancy, you need to think about the consequences of parental influence.
Result of shyness:
- Lack of confidence in yourself and your abilities. A person with this quality loses the ability to independently manage his life, follows the lead of others, while having his own point of view, but eventually abandoning it. Such people are unable to get a job (they are afraid not to pass the interview and be ridiculed).
- Manifestation of fear of authorities and representatives of the opposite sex. In the presence of outsiders, they feel discomfort and suppression, they are afraid to take the initiative, they do not say what they think, and they live by the principle - it is better not to do anything so that they do not scold. Basically, such people are closed and practically do not communicate with representatives of another article (considering themselves unworthy of their attention). They prefer virtual communication and do not make new live acquaintances.
- Various phobias. Shy people cannot force themselves to behave adequately and think clearly, while being subjected to constant fears, which subsequently lead to a depressive state. A shy person in most cases lives his life alone or with his family, never daring to find a common language with society. Unwanted shyness can lead to global phobias, which in turn will overshadow the taste of life with sheer fear of all living things.
The main causes of shyness
Many works of scientists and psychologists were put on the study of the origin of the so-called shy state in humans and the impact of this manifestation on life.
Opinions converged on such causes of shyness, consider each of them:
- Heredity. If in a married couple someone is conducive to the manifestation of shyness, then such a feature can be inherited by a child at the genetic level.
- Influence of upbringing. A child subjected to constant prohibitions, reproaches and humiliation is at risk of becoming insecure with age.
- Failure to make contact. This reason is due to the fact that elementary communication skills are not formed.
- Low self-esteem. A person who is constantly criticized and condemned eventually loses faith in himself and his abilities.
- social anxiety. People who are constantly afraid of being rejected, fall face down in the mud.
- Unsuccessful experience. If a person has experienced a mental trauma in the past that shocked him, then later isolation and fear of others may occur.
- Created stereotypes. A child who is constantly praised is afraid to stumble and, as a result, is silent, does not express his point of view.
Important! Shyness is not a disease! An overly shy person sees no merit in himself and because of this is subject to his own condemnation. But everything can be changed with a little effort.
The main signs of shyness in a person
Shy people are easy to recognize, because they try to hide from the eyes, thereby attracting attention to themselves. Everyone has varying degrees of manifestation of this behavior, ranging from mild embarrassment to depressive panic, and it all depends on the situation that causes this reaction.
There are such forms of signs of shyness:
- External signs: a person does not start a conversation first, looks away from the interlocutor, speaks quietly and uncertainly, answers briefly to the questions posed to him and does not support the dialogue with response stories or questions, looking for an excuse to hide from attention.
- Internal signs: such people know in advance that they are not interesting to others, constantly feel hostile looks on themselves, mentally shame and condemn themselves, are embarrassed in society and feel helpless, awkward.
- Physiological signs: sweating, tears, shaking hands, redness of the face, fragility in the body, chill in the abdomen, rapid heartbeat.
Note! If a person is aggressive, this does not mean that he is self-confident and has an overestimated self-esteem. Take a closer look, maybe this is a mask behind which fear and contempt for oneself are hidden.
Features of getting rid of shyness
Overcoming shyness is a thorough and refined work on yourself and your thoughts. Until a person subconsciously makes sure that he needs it, nothing will come of it. To overcome an unwanted disease, you need to mentally imagine yourself healthy, if such an imaginary character is fully satisfied, then you can realize it in life.
Psychologists have developed an actual step-by-step technique that will tell you in detail how to deal with shyness:
- Appearance. If a person is shy and always feels a sense of fear, then a stereotype is triggered that he dresses in dark colors that are not conspicuous to others, is untidy, does not follow his appearance - because he is not interested in this, this is not the main thing in his life. By changing your wardrobe and style, there is a new look. By emphasizing your attractive parts of the body, changing your usual hairstyle, a feeling of sympathy for yourself arises, which in the future will push the feeling of hostility towards yourself into the background.
- Getting rid of idols. Creating an ideal for himself, a person mentally compares it with himself, as a result of which he acquires self-doubt and, without noticing it, begins to reproach himself for the discrepancy. Convinced of the superiority of another person, there is a desire to completely imitate him, while hiding his own merits and acquiring many complexes. It must be remembered that there are no ideal people, everyone has both pluses and minuses. Getting rid of idols, a person throws out from his subconscious the formed complexes that suppressed his own ego.
- Sociability. Avoiding communication with others, a person protects himself from the knowledge of the world, from friends and acquaintances. The reason for the inability to conduct a dialogue is a small vocabulary, the inability to competently and accurately express the essence of thought, the fear of saying something wrong and eventually being ridiculed. You can overcome this problem by reading and applying various practical techniques that are aimed at developing the speech apparatus. For example, E. Lapteva “Tutorial for the development of speech. 1000 Russian tongue twisters for speech development”; D. Carnegie "How to develop self-confidence and influence people by speaking in public" and many others.
- blanks. Shy people are afraid to get into unfamiliar situations, in order to avoid embarrassment, you need to rehearse your actions in advance. It is advisable to write down some kind of blanks for a particular situation on paper and work out the sequence of your gestures, words, facial expressions in front of a mirror, which will help you gain experience, confidence in communicating with people, and subsequently protect you from incidents.
- Getting rid of muscle clamps. All people with shyness feel stiffness of movements during communication, their fear tries to protect a person from negativity, hiding behind the so-called bodily shell. The clamp created by the body does not allow you to freely express your emotions, while feeling discomfort and muscle spasm. You can get rid of the shell with the help of breathing exercises that will fill the body with energy, through massage, which will help relax tense muscles.
How to overcome shyness
Many people wonder how to get rid of shyness. First of all, it is necessary to raise self-esteem, begin to listen to yourself and push the opinions of outsiders into the background.
How to get rid of shyness in children
Shyness can be temporary (manifested only in childhood) or be a character trait. If shyness is observed already at an early stage of development, you need to look for ways to overcome it at the very beginning. Unlike adults, children do not know how to put on masks and hide their feelings, so you can easily identify a shy child.
Ways to deal with this feature of the child are varied:
- It is necessary to reduce the list of bans for it. If the baby is forbidden everything, he can withdraw into himself, in fear of doing something wrong.
- Introducing the child to the need to greet passers-by. This method will allow the baby to easily make contact with people.
- In no case should you compare a child with someone else, because this can lead to the creation of an unwanted idol and a decrease in self-esteem.
- If the baby did something wrong, do not condemn him in the presence of strangers, but talk to him alone, thereby protecting your child from the fear of the public in the future.
- Parents should not put forward excessive demands on the child, because, without calculating his capabilities, you can unconsciously harm.
- By allowing the child to make his own choices in a given situation, parents will allow him to gain a sense of significance and confidence.
How to overcome shyness in women
At the first meeting, shy women attract with their modesty and simplicity, and when there is no contact and fear begins to appear, it frightens and repels the interlocutor. Girls who have such a character trait run the risk of remaining lonely and uninteresting. If there is a desire to get rid of this negative manifestation, then you should not hesitate!
First of all, you need to make a list of positive qualities (if you can’t complete the task yourself, you can ask a friend or relative to do this). It is advisable to add to the list those qualities that you would like to have. Every morning and evening, peering into the mirror, you need to reread what you have written. This method will increase self-esteem and help you realize that not everything is as bad as it seemed.
Secondly, in some women, shyness is provided for by an old-fashioned upbringing, but, looking around, you need to realize that everything flows and everything changes. Only the one who keeps up with the times will achieve success.
Thirdly, you need to learn to calmly accept your mistakes. Ideal people do not exist. Everyone tends to make mistakes, because only thanks to their mistakes a person gains experience in the future.
How to get rid of shyness for men
According to the famous psychologist Philip Zimbardo, shyness in men is much more common than in women, but it hides behind a mask of aggressiveness and hostility. The shyness of men is based on great demands on them, everyone sees defenders, breadwinners and sexual sexual giants in front of them. The fear of not conforming to established stereotypes forms many fears in their minds.
How to overcome male shyness:
- First, many men are shy of women. To overcome this fear, it is necessary to imagine a situation of communication and rehearse it with the help of an inanimate object or a toy.
- Secondly, you should develop your communication skills, this can be achieved by expanding your vocabulary and gradually using it in practice.
- Thirdly, in order to stop being afraid of a love relationship with a girl, you should first just make friends with her, and during communication, fear will dissipate itself.
Every person who convinces himself that he cannot cope with his fears runs the risk of living a dull, gloomy and uninteresting life, and whoever makes a little effort, works on himself and decides to forget what self-doubt is, will find friends in return, a good work team and a bright future.
Symptoms of shyness in children of different ages. The main causes of occurrence and modern methods of solving this problem. The role of parents in the development and treatment of the syndrome. Tips for a child to get rid of shyness.
The content of the article:
Shyness in a child is a state of mental health and his behavior among others, the main characteristics of which are timidity, indecision, shyness, timidity and stiffness. Most often, it first manifests itself at an early age and gives children such features as modesty, obedience, restraint. This is how masks are created, behind which the essence, the true character of the child is almost invisible, and his formation in society as a person is also hampered.
Reasons for the development of shyness in children
It is known that the child's psyche is not yet a fully formed system. Such imperfection makes the child vulnerable to even the most seemingly petty situations. As a result, the brain generates the activation of many defensive reactions, including shyness, secrecy and uncertainty.
There are several main causes of shyness in children:
- genetic predisposition. To date, due to many scientific studies, it has been proven that heredity is quite often the main and only triggering factor in the development of such a condition. The accumulation of various mutations in a number of generations endangers every child born in the future. In this case, one speaks of almost one hundred percent propensity.
- natural factors. It is worth mentioning here that each person has a specific type of nervous system. It is believed that it is introverts (secret and withdrawn) who are most susceptible to the development of such a quality as shyness. People with melancholic and phlegmatic types of temperament also become a huge risk group, but their absence also does not exclude the possibility of getting it. Studies say that excessive activity in childhood, which was stopped once, can result in shyness later.
- Social environment. This group includes all possible connections of the child with the outside world. Of course, the most important thing is family upbringing. The main problems are increased guardianship or, conversely, remoteness from the spiritual problems of the child. Parents are not able to provide moral comfort and support, deciding everything for him or not being interested in him at all. In this case, shyness is formed persistent and can accompany a lifetime. It happens that the reason is hidden in relation to peers. Excessive aggressiveness or activity of other children can suppress the desire to communicate with them.
- Violation of adaptation. Every few years in a child's life, he experiences some kind of adaptive reaction - to crawling, walking, self-care, attending a kindergarten, school and many other institutions. As they arise, positive and negative character traits are formed that instill in the child the ability to resist external influences. If such a process fails, it can lead to the development of insecurity, indecision and shyness.
- Somatic pathology. This refers to the presence of diseases of the internal organs, the signs of which can distinguish a child from other children. Most often, this is the presence of any developmental pathologies, traces of burns, frostbite, wounds that left marks on the body. Very often this becomes the cause of excessive attention or even teasing. Also, such a reaction can be traced to children with disabilities. In view of this, in order to limit himself, the baby closes, moves away from others, talks less and prefers to be alone most of the time.
- Wrong upbringing. Parental influence primarily shapes the child as a separate person. If it turns out to be too much, excessive guardianship leads to complete lack of independence and indecision in the future. Also, if maternal guardianship becomes more rigid and demands on children exceed their capabilities, an inferiority complex arises. Such a child withdraws and considers himself not good enough for manifestation in society.
The main symptoms of shyness in a child
It is necessary to start with the fact that a shy child really suffers. After all, this state guides him in all life situations. He cannot feel comfortable anywhere and with anyone. A constant feeling of insecurity and cowardice haunts every day. Unfortunately, many parents, trying to help, only exacerbate the situation. After all, the first thing they decide to remove the child from decision-making and do it on their own. As a result, even more inferiority and insecurity falls on him.
To know how to help your child overcome shyness, you need to learn a few signs of it. Among them:
Note! Very often, the listed signs are not considered alarming and are mistaken for the whims of the child, punishing him for this. As a result of such treatment, the condition of the baby is even more oppressed.
How to deal with shyness in a child
To achieve any result, it is necessary to understand that shyness is still not just a character trait, but a pathological condition. Only after realizing this, you can start looking for ways to solve this problem. It is worth looking for them immediately, because every day lived with such thinking leads the child to an independent way out of the situation. Often this is leaving home or even attempting suicide. Correction of shyness in children requires an integrated approach involving both themselves and the environment.
Mom and dad are the first and most important advisers in a child's life. It is from them that he writes off most of the manners of behavior, and they also make a correction of his own. It is very important that parents monitor the psycho-emotional state of children and help them adapt to new stages in life. This is especially necessary if their child is experiencing difficulties in communicating and realizing himself as a person.
To know how to overcome shyness in a child, you need to follow these tips:
- Do not scold. Shouting will provoke even more secrecy and shyness. Children will feel guilty for such behavior and will not come to their parents for advice or help in the future. This will only aggravate the situation and narrow the circle of trust to its complete absence. Such behavior will force the child to withdraw into himself, and it will be much more difficult to get him out of this state.
- Interested in personal life. Children in today's world are little adults. Do not think that there is nothing to talk about with them. These little people contain in themselves a huge inner world of experiences and worries that they cannot yet cope with alone. You need to find the right approach to the child, ask what he thinks about, why he does this or that action, with whom he is friends and what he is sad about. It is very important. If you manage to become not only a parent, but also a friend to him, you can save him from the problem on your own.
- be able to listen. Children need to be noticed. Due to the hustle and bustle of everyday life, there is often not enough time for them. And while we imitate attentiveness, children show and tell us about all their troubles. But, unfortunately, sooner or later they get tired of doing it. They are offended, withdraw into themselves and will no longer make contact. Therefore, every word spoken by children has its own meaning. You need to be able not only to listen to them, but also to hear them in order to have time to notice any problems and correct them.
- Support. Defeats, like victories, must be accepted. Children don't always know how to do it right. Often, after only one failure, they never dare to try again. Parental duty obliges to explain to the child that he is loved the way he is, and perfection is not required from him. You need to teach him to slowly and confidently walk towards his goal, despite previous defeats.
- Become an example. Children are a reflection of their parents. No one's features will be as reflected in them as the features of the mother in girls and the father in boys. Excessive demands can lead to feelings of shame. The child will be ashamed of his mistakes and worry that he did not live up to expectations. Therefore, parents, first of all, need to be able to admit their mistakes and show by personal example that this is not scary, but only stimulates further actions.
- Encourage. In fact, all children deserve the attention of their parents, and these in particular. Among the best ways are trips to cafes, amusement parks, performances. Various comedic performances will help the child learn to perceive himself and not pass off features as oddities. Spending time in familiar circles has an overall positive effect on children.
And yet, it is better to solve the problem from the inside. Overcoming shyness in children belongs to them. No matter how hard others try, they must take the most important step themselves. After all, until the child himself begins to change his attitude to reality, all attempts to help from the outside will be in vain.
To make it easier for him to do this, you can offer a few of the following tips:
- Sure. Even if fear does not leave, it is always necessary to forbid it to express itself in any way outwardly. To make it easier, you need to straighten your shoulders, raise your chin, take a deep breath. This will help to show others that there is no panic and in front of them is a completely self-confident person.
- To smile. This is a win-win option to gain the trust of an opponent. There is absolutely no need to portray panicked laughter or a fit of laughter. A slight smile on the face will be enough, which will relax and will subsequently predispose to the rest of the children.
- Look into your eyes. This is the most difficult, but the most effective remedy. It is believed that a person who is able to keep his eyes on his interlocutor has an advantage over him. Maintaining eye contact also helps keep the conversation going, and the person feels more confident and relaxed.
- Actively engage in dialogue. Don't be afraid to ask and be willing to answer questions. It is best to start with short verbal skirmishes, and over time it will be possible to join any conversation without difficulty. It is also important to show others your interest in what is happening.
- Attend different events. Not the easiest task, but of great importance. Indeed, in a wide circle, a shy child can initially only listen and gradually join the team. Thus, too much attention will not be attracted to him, and he will be able to open up to others on his own. Suitable for children's birthdays, holidays.
- Finding a hobby. Trying to find yourself is very important. To do this, you can enroll in various circles on creativity, needlework or with a sports bias. In most cases, a favorite thing will soon appear in which you can prove yourself and get a lot of pleasure from it. One of the best options is a theater studio. In such a place, you can develop a huge number of positive qualities, as well as get rid of shyness, indecision and shyness.
- Fight fears. To do this, you need to decide to do what scares you the most, to dare difficult actions and step over your fear. This always brings many difficulties and obstacles. But after the elimination of at least one fear, a feeling of pride and joy for oneself comes.
- Accept shyness. Self-denial destroys the lives of many people. Problems are easier to deal with if they are not afraid and accepted. You need to realize your special trait and not be ashamed of it, but transform, change or get rid of it. As soon as such a feeling comes, it will bring relief in the emotional sphere.
- Get help. Our loved ones exist to help us. Independence is good only where it can destroy the problem. In this case, taking advice from the outside will be the right decision and will help you quickly adapt to the incomprehensible. Sometimes these are parents, friends, and maybe completely strangers who have found a common language.
- Workout. In most cases, this approach helps the fastest. Physical exercises not only have a general strengthening effect on the body, but also affirm the position of such a child among the rest (especially if it is a boy). There are new skills and opportunities that can only be admired.
Shyness in a child is a problem that occurs quite often and can lead to serious consequences. Most of the responsibility for children with this trait belongs to parents, who should not only be aware of it, but also be able to prevent it. The methods of getting rid of this quality are also quite simple and do not require the use of additional methods of treatment if used on time. Therefore, keeping an eye on children is the most important and useful advice in this case.
Disclosure of the concept of shyness
Shyness covers a wide range of psychological manifestations - from embarrassment that sometimes occurs in the presence of other people, up to traumatic anxiety that completely disrupts a person's life. Shyness is one of the most common and complex problems and interpersonal relationships. There are shy introverts and extroverts.
While the data above shows the difficulties associated with shyness in life, it should also be remembered that shyness has its positive side. 10 to 20% of shy people enjoy being that way. They choose to be shy because they have discovered something positive about it. “Restrained”, “modest”, “balanced” - such positive ratings are usually given to shy people. Shyness makes a person look independent and self-absorbed. Another advantage of being shy is that a person can afford to be more selective in personal contacts. Shyness makes it possible to step back, to observe, in order to then behave prudently.
Shyness is one of the most common and complex interpersonal relationship problems. The American psychologist F. Zimbardo singled out a number of difficulties caused by shyness that arise in the interpersonal relationships of adults. Among them are difficulties in meeting people, negative emotional states that arise during communication, difficulties in expressing one's opinion, excessive restraint, unsuccessful presentation of oneself, which makes it difficult for other people to adequately assess a shy person, excessive focus on oneself, etc.
A survey conducted by F. Zimbardo revealed that among American students aged 18 to 21, 42% consider themselves shy, and taking into account those who have overcome this quality in themselves, the number of shy people rises to 73%. The data obtained indicate the extreme prevalence of this quality and the concern of shy people with their difficulties in relationships with others. This problem has its roots in childhood. What are the causes of shyness, what is its nature?
In psychology, there are several approaches to this problem. Thus, psychoanalysis sees in it a symptom of an unsatisfied oedipal complex, behaviorism sees it as an acquired reaction of fear to social stimuli. Sociologists associate shyness with a sense of personal disadvantage and look for its roots in the ecology of the social self. Proponents of existential psychology also emphasize the connection of shyness with a sense of personal insecurity caused by the fear of being rejected by other people. Researchers of personality traits consider it as an increased sensitivity to danger, which is innate. In the context of the development of human emotions and feelings, shyness is considered either as a synonym for feelings of fear (D. Baldwin, K. Gross), or as an expression of feelings of shame or guilt (V. Stern, V. Zenkovsky, D. Izard). At the same time, all psychologists note the connection of shyness with the characteristics of the child's self-consciousness and the attitude towards people associated with it: self-doubt, negative self-esteem, distrust of others.
Despite the existence of a fairly extensive literature on this problem, its discussion is most often speculative and is not based on specific studies. Today we can state that many questions within this problem remain open. So, the specifics of the relationship of a shy child with other people are not yet clear, there is no description of the phenomenon of shyness, covering the most significant aspects of his life for the child, the structure of his self-image, their dynamics during preschool childhood, has not been clarified. These problems were put at the center of an experimental longitudinal study, which was conducted with children of preschool age.
Shyness is considered in this work as one of the types of the child's ambivalent attitude towards other people and towards himself, which manifests itself in communication and in interpersonal relationships.
Criteria for the selection of subjects. Working with individual development options requires, first of all, the selection of criteria for compiling samples of subjects. Based on the data available in the literature, we identified a set of behavioral symptoms that characterize shy children. It included the following indicators: 1) locomotion, which reflects the struggle of two opposite tendencies of approach - removal, most often manifested when meeting strangers; 2) emotional discomfort that the child experiences when meeting and in the course of communication with strangers, and sometimes with familiar adults; 3) fear of any public speaking, including in the classroom; 4) selectivity in contacts with people: preference for communication with close and well-known adults and refusal or difficulty in communicating with strangers.
Based on these indicators, two questionnaires were compiled: for parents and for educators. Questionnaires for parents included questions about the nature of relationships in the family, communication preferences, situations that cause the child's shy behavior, symptoms of this behavior, etc. in class and in public speaking. Parents of 45 preschool children and teachers of those kindergarten groups that the children attended took part in the survey.
In addition to the survey of adults, a preliminary “shyness test” was conducted with all children. For this purpose, a situation of “call-up” was organized, in which an adult unknown to the child asked to come up to him. The test was carried out during the free play of children in the kindergarten group. In this situation, the features of behavior outlined above were recorded.
All experiments were carried out during the period when the children were adapted to the preschool institution.
Based on the results of the adult questionnaire and the preliminary test, two samples were drawn up, which included 15 shy and 15 non-shy preschoolers.
All subjects participated in the longitudinal study for four years. The experimenter acted as an outside adult.
The first question that was raised in the work concerned identifying the features of communication between shy children and adults, since it is in this area that the foundations of the interpersonal relationships of the child with other people are laid.
FEATURES OF COMMUNICATION OF SHY CHILDREN WITH ADULT
The task was solved in the context of the developed by M.I. Lisina's ideas about the genesis of communication between children and adults as a change in its forms - integral, holistic formations that characterize the levels of development of communicative activity. The first to appear in ontogenesis is situational-personal communication, on its basis at an early age, situational-business communication (SDO) is formed, and then, during preschool age, more complex forms of communication are formed: extra-situational-cognitive (VPO) and extra-situational-personal (VLO). ).
None of these forms disappears, only their significance for the child, their place in his life activity changes. The most important parameters of the forms of communication are the content of the child's need, which is satisfied in one form or another of communication, the leading motives that encourage him to a certain type of communication, and the means of communication corresponding to them.
Based on the provisions of the theory of the genesis of communication, the features of the interaction of shy preschoolers in these forms of communication were singled out as the central object of study.
The experimental technique included three series of experiments. In the first series, the adult offered the child a joint objective activity: assembly of the designer, summer, mosaics (LMS); in the second - examination and discussion of books of cognitive content (HPE); in the third - a conversation on personal topics (VLO). The child's behavior in each form of communication was recorded according to twelve parameters presented in Table 1. one.
In addition, several more tests were carried out. One of them was aimed at identifying the attitude of children to an unusual type of activity for them, associated with the prohibition of an adult, with an assessment known to the child. To do this, the experimenter asked him to make a drawing on a sheet of lipstick.
Another situation revealed the ability to self-expression, the ability to openly and vividly show their emotions in communication. This situation was called “Sea and Ship”. In it, an adult organized a dramatization game in which the child acted as the captain of a ship who, over the noise of the waves, was supposed to calm the raging sea and save passengers during a storm.
The obtained data were subjected to quantitative and qualitative analysis. Statistical processing was carried out according to the Wilcoxon or Mann-Whitney test.
