Well. And I will continue, perhaps, about the eternal. It is true even in war. I have a series of letters here about love triangles and all sorts of such problems, sexual, in couples. I will write a post about this series later.
For now, just discuss. The man has a complex life situation and a tough choice.
"Hello Evolution.
I want to tell my story family relations and ask for advice from you and your blog audience. I apologize in advance for the long and somewhat rambling letter. I'm trying to tell more so that a more or less complete situation is visible.
I'll start from the very beginning. I met my wife Olya (then future) at the university exams. They were just friends at first, but quickly started dating. Olya was in St. Petersburg for the first time and everything was very interesting to her, I, as a native northern capital could tell and show a lot in the city. For me, this is the first relationship after a series of unsuccessful loves, while Olya had boyfriends before me and, on the contrary, it was fun for her that I was so embarrassed with her. Everything developed very rapidly. A few months after starting school, we had an accident. I was the culprit, Olya suffered in the accident mainly. We hid Olya's participation in the accident - my parents were away, and the Olins live in another city. I was very worried. Olya underwent several operations, and as it turned out, nothing threatened her health, there were minor consequences. We have made great efforts so that nothing is visible externally. Much has changed - Olya now threw tantrums and began to be jealous of all women in a row. I vaguely remember this period - we quarreled a lot and put up a lot, I apologized a lot, the relationship was quite stormy, there was a lot of fun, but the sex slowly began to fade away. 4 years later we got married. by that time I was already quite actively watching porn, because. I wanted a lot of sex, but sex with Olya stopped being good - I can’t say what was wrong. Olya started having problems with orgasms, I took it personally, I was very worried that these were the consequences of an accident, etc.
We lived together, worked and saved money for an apartment. Olya earned many times less. It didn’t bother me, I think that the man is in charge and he should lead the family. A daughter was born, then a son. During pregnancies and after, we didn’t have sex, I understand that I don’t want to be in this state and almost didn’t insist, I tried not to raise this topic. Already after the birth of my daughter, we bought an apartment almost in the center of the city - parents from both sides helped, and by that time I was already earning quite a tangible money. In addition, we saved up all the previous time - we put aside a lot, we didn’t go anywhere and didn’t go. After the birth of the second child, we did not have sex. Olga did not show interest, she said that she was ready if I needed to - and it immediately cooled me down, they just took me in, I agreed when it was already completely hard to endure. They tried to "schedule for Saturday" but nothing worked, there was a fear of an unplanned pregnancy. I tried to somehow excite Olya, make some surprises, pester. But she was angry that I was "acting like a clown." she was already irritated by my smell for a long time - before rare sex, I had to go to wash myself. at the same time, I’m also not a good guy once - I often went into myself, thus experiencing conflicts at work and quarrels with Olya, I was like that " good guy", doing everything right, gave flowers, jewelry and sweets, tried to take them out for a walk somewhere. But I can’t say that I insisted very violently - I was very unemotional, or rather, my impulses abruptly disappeared. Sometimes I set myself up for some interesting business in the evening, went to good mood- and literally from the first remarks of Olya, the mood was rapidly falling and I didn’t want anything anymore. We quarreled, I did not understand what else she needed - everything was not bad after all. But we can not say that we only quarreled. We understand each other, literally from a half-word, in many ways we are similar. At the same time, Olya did a lot around the house - she planned, worked with children - she really did it, and not for show. And she did a lot for me too. She did not return to work. I tried to mind my own business - but here we suffered several deafening fiascos, plus we had a serious quarrel as a result for almost a month.
Everything was fine, except that we did not have sex, and I fell into depression. We lived in general peacefully and quietly, we often slept separately because the regime was different. I decided that it was impossible to go on like this, and began to work, updated my wardrobe, tried to involve Olya in my circle of interests, do something together, engage in a hobby - but nothing worked. At the same time, Olya got angry every time, but she always said that she was very good and so. We have no friends - I stopped communicating with friends. there were always a lot of girls in their companies, and Olya was very jealous of me for them. well, as a whole, I switched to work and noisy drinking parties and clubs did not attract.
Let me tell you right now that I have never positive hero. I got angry during quarrels, turned on sarcasm - now I understand that it offended me a lot, I followed Olya a lot and, in general, did not steer the situation. I kept silent about some facts about myself and my mood that could upset Olya, went into myself and now I understand that Olya often doubted my feelings, although they were.
I didn't cheat on Olya. I had something like falling in love, when I realized that I liked some other girl and I was drawn to her. but the matter never went beyond flirting. Some tried to get closer - not really actively, it seemed to me that someone likes me a little, but I immediately took steps back. I was not going to cheat on Ole and thought that this should not be at all, although I flirted with some girls, but I tried very hard to keep flirting within the framework. I am not very attractive, unathletic. I know how to like, but only if it is specifically necessary. I am sure that "liked" me because of the money. At work, I need to evaluate people and make a good impression while bringing them to frankness. I technically know how to like it (or I think I can), I understand how the buildup of emotions works, etc. But I used it only at work, I had almost no friends, I didn’t communicate with girls.
At the same time, I actively watched porn, and worked very hard. I tried to take care of children a lot, but to be honest, I couldn’t, although while they were small, I spent a lot of time with them, because. Olya was very tired. At some point, I even started drinking in the evenings after work alone, but quickly stopped.
At this moment, Vika appears. We have known each other for a long time, our companies are a customer-contractor. But they didn't get close. She is what is called "not your level" - cold, a lot of fans, a huge amount of attention from men, fresh flowers every day, good job, constant travel around the world. Three years younger than me. We cross paths at work, a conversation strikes up and we begin to communicate. Communication is very frequent, I start driving her to work, but things don’t go beyond sympathy and flirting. Frankly speaking, I didn’t even fall in love, I had a sincere interest in Vika and I wanted to talk - usually there is no one to talk to. Once we have something like a date - we walk around St. Petersburg, talking about space and galaxies, but we don’t make any movements towards each other - I’m married, she has a boyfriend, the rules of the game are clear. After a date, we begin to communicate and it immediately turns out that we really like each other and this is mutual and Vika dreams about me erotic dreams. I do something completely uncharacteristic for me - in a moment I come to her house and we have sex. It turns out that I'm a good lover. We meet in this mode for six months - after and instead of work, we spend a lot of time together, a lot of sex. It is immediately clear that this is serious - I feel young, but at the same time I am not afraid of anything and I can do everything. I tell everything to Olya and move in with Vika. She broke up with her boyfriend immediately after our first sex.
It immediately turns out that Olya loves me very much, I'm just an ideal and it's very bad without me. Olya gets sick, the children also get sick, they begin to have psychoses and tantrums that didn’t exist before. The doctor says that children are so worried about the divorce of their parents. We discuss everything with Vika and I return. Spend a few weeks with the kids
they are calmer and everything seems to be on the mend. Olya starts to get angry and yell at me, I'm a womanizer, henpecked, a slut, impotent, and that I have a harem at work and stuff, I don't have friends because they all know what kind of shit I am. As a whole, we went through all the sore spots, did not forget anything. I, too, could not resist, recalled a couple of past things - however, without fanaticism. I am writing so that there is no opinion that I am so good - I also shouted and pushed her during quarrels, etc.
We continue to communicate with Vika and she is very worried about the children and the whole situation. But we start to quarrel - she accuses me of starting everything because of sex and using her, and in general I told my wife that I had gone on a business trip and planned and calculated everything. Then he says that I am the most close person and she will never stop loving me. Then he calls me a freak and an asshole again. I justify and prove that everything is wrong. She tells me that her parents are drug addicts, she actually supports them and tries to keep them off drugs - it's simply impossible to believe in it, nothing in her betrayed this before.
We communicate in this mode for 2 months (there was sex a couple of times during this time, I don’t want her to think that I’m for sex with her, although I’m constantly drawn to each other and we often kiss in the car for a long time) and decide what needs to be spent together couple of days and stop forever. Both are looking for excuses to postpone the trip, we correspond and talk a lot, we meet a lot and walk. At this point, Vicki's parents get into an accident and die. Shock. I spend whole days with her, take a vacation from work (Olya does not know) and try to somehow help Vika, read literature on this issue, etc. Of course there is no sex, but we are close.
Vika is angry at me, screaming, but I understand that this has nothing to do with me. Then Vika confesses her love, says that no one has ever loved her like I do, that she doesn’t need anyone, she will never stop loving me, and that no matter who she is with, she will leave him for me if I come - but watch how everything dies between us is impossible. She is trying to get close to me. And all the time I think what a degenerate I am, what I brought to this - before I was alone in depression and now all the people around me are unhappy. I never wanted the role of a mistress for Vika, when I realized that I love - I immediately declared that I would leave the family, but I need to prepare everything - to repay a loan for an apartment - and I kept my promise. And kept many more promises. But at some point I understand that my presence makes her unhappy. We discuss it and stop talking.
Now we occasionally communicate with Vika by mail. With Olya, we live almost as before, only a couple of times more nervous. She accuses me that I have everything password-protected - it has always been like this, I feel uncomfortable otherwise, and I never climbed into Olya's correspondence. and despite the fact that fans and some men constantly wrote to Vika, I never asked to show me what was there, although sometimes she herself showed and I even answered for her when I saw what I was going through.
It's hard for me to formulate the question, but I'll try. I love Vika, but Olya too, only in a different way. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I understand that the main problem here is me. But I don't know how to solve it. I follow Vicki's life, once I helped her make a deal with a company where I have friends - she doesn't know about it. But you can’t behave like that endlessly, some kind of childishness. I know that Vika also monitors how I am doing and tries to help with work. Technically, I probably know how to regain Olya's trust and I try to do it, but my hands fall down every time. And I can’t stand friendship with Vika - I won’t be able to know that she is with someone else, and to think that she is alone just because she is waiting for me is simply unbearable.
I don’t want anything and I don’t aspire to anything now. I'm 31 soon, but I feel like I'm 45. At the same time, I watch porn all the time - although I don't just need sex, I understand and know that I need something else. I realized that I love children very much, although I don’t see them much and that I don’t want to lose them. I try to remember how great it was with Olya at the very beginning, but it's hard. I don't know how Olya really treats me. I can see that she is trying to fix our lives in her own way. I'm worried about Vika, for what I did to her and I don't want to lose what was between us - I love her. But sometimes I begin to doubt the disinterestedness of her feelings.
I would like to ask you and the readers of the blog if there are examples of a way out of such situations and in which direction. I understand that there are probably similar cases in your practice. I also understand that any advice will only be advice - the decision is up to me and therefore I will adequately treat what you write or your readers write."
Well, by the way, I have almost half of the men in the commentators, they are just ... more restrained.
The wife has the right to stability in the relationship, and the mistresses get the men in the “best possible way”: beautiful, generous, disappearing in time. What is the best role?
Who is better to be - a wife or a mistress? Photo: Lori.ru.
This is really a perennial question.
It existed, exists and will continue to exist. I think that he did not go around almost a single woman. Even if a woman has become a wife, then no one is safe from the threat of the appearance of a mistress. And there are those who, on the contrary, are not satisfied with the role of a wife. Many obligations, many restrictions, it is better to maintain your independence.
So who is better to be? Whose fate is more enviable?
Let's try to figure it out.
Wives. Just don’t say that you didn’t dream of a wedding in a white dress, a romantic marriage proposal, a cozy life together and children. Even if now you are cynical and pragmatic, and photos of your acquaintances who are getting married cause you regret and contempt, then in childhood, one way or another, you imagined your wedding.
Let's leave the ceremony itself, because much more is hidden behind it than the formal speech of the registry office worker. This is a kind of ritual, a transition to a new state, a feeling of yourself and a partner next to you.
A woman who becomes a wife knows that this relationship is with a perspective. Moreover, relationships entail all the changes in her life: caring for and devoting herself to another person and their common children, focusing on maintaining closeness and comfort, supporting and being with her loved one in a variety of life circumstances. At the same time, she knows that in relation to her, too, there are obligations. Now she is the object of care and protection of her partner. And if he is reliable, then she can relax. And the need for a reliable partner is one of the most basic. This is a kind of safe harbor, total support, which you can rely on in all cases of life.
But any agreement, contract between people (including marriage bonds) is imperfect. Mistakes are inevitable. Therefore, when relations cool off, and you don’t want to destroy such a large-scale work called “family”, mistresses enter the stage.
Their role is also very significant. Men with them realize their fantasies, endow them with unrequited passion, love and care that a wife is not able to accept. Sometimes relationships with female lovers are closer than with wives. I often heard stories of women that their connection married men reminds not just closeness, but a true kinship of souls.
This is not accidental, because men try to compensate with them for unspent feelings, dreams, desires, they really invest in these relationships while they exist.
Plus, mistresses men get in " at its best”: beautiful, well-groomed, generous, and most importantly - disappearing in time, not interfering with building a career, for example.
It has long been understood that wives testify to other aspects of their character and behavior: when they are in crisis, sick, tired, infantile or confused. When they snore, they act like children, fixate on themselves and ignore the needs of their loved ones.
Mistresses have the privilege to communicate with a man only in his better moments. However, the price of a love relationship is stability. The same notorious reliability that a wife receives. The mistress does not have the opportunity to completely relax and trust the man. She knows deep down that he chose not her, but another. And she will have to find her way out. And even if at a particular moment she is happy, in the future she will have to look for ways to survive without this man. And it's not about wealth. Deep down, the mistress knows that he will not stay with her with all the love and intimacy between them.
By the way, according to statistics, only 5 percent love couples form new families. The rest sooner or later part.
And the point is that love relationship It is a relationship built on a fragile foundation. They usually appear when married couple is going through a crisis. And in order to survive it and save themselves, the couple finds an unconscious way out - to rely on someone else. For example, while a woman is busy with her baby, a newborn child, a man realizes the need for intimacy on the side. More than 70 percent of changes occur precisely in the first pregnancy and the first year of the baby's life in the family. When a woman is “liberated” for her husband again, the need for a love triangle in itself becomes extremely small.
In family therapy, building love triangle is called a "stabilizer" - an additional support in the family, so that, albeit unconsciously and not too honestly, but survive the crisis and save yourself.
Another role we haven't considered is civil wife. Something between the first and second. On the one hand, she is recognized as the only promising partner, and on the other hand, she never becomes a wife. Often women in this role repeat that status and a stamp will not change anything. But why not put it on?
The thing is that women in this role continue to live with a deep conviction about themselves that she did not deserve to be a wife, that a man does not choose her 100 percent and is just waiting the best option. It is possible that she is with him, too, until better times. As they say, a man is like a tram - in 15 minutes the next one will come. In any case, civil marriage allows partners, consciously or not, to manipulate the distance and keep each other at a safe distance.
Whatever status you are in, the only thing that puts things in order is a conscious attitude towards yourself and your contribution to the relationship. And if you don't like something, change it! Nobody will do it for you.
Maria Dyachkova, psychologist, family therapist and leader of personal growth trainings
Good afternoon! I ask for help, because I can’t make a decision, as a result of which I am very exhausted and exhausted, life has lost its meaning.
Background…
My first marriage took place at the age of 26. She was 23. They met, spent time, then pregnancy. I was not ready for pregnancy, but I felt sorry for her and decided to get married. Sex was so-so due to the fact that I did not like her figure. My decision was based on sympathy and her good attitude to me, she tried to please me in everything, i.e. The initiative was on her part. A daughter was born. They lived for 3 years and divorced, on her initiative. I see the reason in myself, I didn’t love her, apparently, there was anything like sympathy, affection, etc. but probably not love. After the divorce, I lived alone for some time, then there were several unsuccessful attempts to reconcile with my first wife, in the end I realized that she did not suit me and left her.
The second marriage took place at the age of 35. She was 25. During this time, I changed my place of residence, changed my job. We met online and dated for about six months. She was pretty, with serious views on life, she really wanted a child, I was very comfortable with her intellectually. Before me, she already had an unsuccessful marriage for 5 years, where her husband did not want children, and then he became interested in his mistress. But given the mistakes of the previous marriage, after weighing everything, I decided mine and got married. Our sex was good, but not perfect, due to the fact that outwardly I did not like her completely. But it suited her and me in full. She is very far-sighted and businesslike, she succeeds in everything. I feel very comfortable with her. They lived in a 2-room apartment with her mother, then they sold it by moving to a 3-room apartment, after selling they bought a house with a plot. Our son was born. He is now 1.7. Born with pain. During childbirth, there was hypoxia, plus the doctors brought the infection. For a long time they lay in the children's hospital at the maternity hospital. But with God's help we departed the kid. We have been living for 5 years.
Now about the problem….
Three years ago, I worked as a department head at an enterprise. A 23-year-old girl was sent to my department to fill the vacancy of an engineer. Outwardly, she was not my type, and I did not even imagine a relationship with her. For her education, I arranged for her workplace in your office. Six months later, I caught myself thinking that she was pretty to me, began to care, I really wanted to have sex with a young woman. She politely declined the advances knowing that I was married. This went on for a year, then nevertheless I persuaded her to have sex. And so my second life began.
After some time, the girl put me before the choice of me or my spouse, since the role of a mistress does not suit her in any way. I decided to end the relationship, but it was not there. I was strongly drawn to her. In the end, I packed my things and moved in with her in her one-room apartment. They did not live long, I felt a strong pity for my wife, I began to miss my son, as well as comfort (a big house, prosperity in material terms, prospects, connections from the wife) I could not stand it and returned to the family, the girl said I'm sorry, I couldn't, goodbye. Soon after resigning from the previous enterprise, we, by the will of fate, ended up together at another enterprise, only in different offices and positions. Seeing her again flared up with new force. It got to the point that I take her home after work, we have sex, dinner, walks together, then I rush headlong home to my wife, making excuses for this. And not his wife, not his mistress, it did not suit. With my mistress, sex, romance, I enjoy her external data, she energizes me, and with my wife, comfort, stability, confidence in the future, son. For a while, in order not to make a decision, I told my mistress that I would be with her soon, such as be patient, I would raise the little one to my feet, then I would move and believed in it, returning to my wife, I said that it would end soon, soon I would break up with her because how to live starting from scratch I'm not ready.
And now the wife has packed her things and asks whether you are breaking up with her, or with us. I have a wild panic, I’m very sorry that I’m losing everything that I have gained, prospects, business, and I won’t be able to see my son every day, but I can’t leave my mistress because sex life only with her, with her, I get those emotions that my wife does not give me.
A very painful choice, but it can't go on like this. I myself am inclined to choose a mistress and I’m almost sure that I need to go to her, so honestly, but when she finds herself, she has emptiness and mental anguish, as well as wild insecurity. I'm depressed, what should I do next?
