I refuse to step out from under the covers into this cruel world.
Honey, are you cooking something, or has the cat taken a shit somewhere again?
Yes, I make a lot of mistakes. Life, unfortunately, without instructions.
Well, they gave you a rose, well, why take a picture with her for three albums in contact ?!
Moved the sofa to another wall, because there is an outlet. Added to the resume: "interior specialist."
As my husband says ... Whatever the wife would not amuse herself, if only her girlfriends would not call to drink.
If I can't sleep, then I usually eat.
He came to give me two pieces of news: good and bad. Didn't get a good one...
If your grandmother says that you look great, then you need to lose weight urgently.
I sit, watch TV, drink beer, eat chips, play with the cat with my foot, and my wife says that I do nothing!
I'm like a convertible, so cool, but there is no roof!
Nothing confuses a woman more than asking her to briefly describe herself.
Elena Malysheva in her program said that two liters of fluid should be drunk per day. Tried it yesterday... Terrible hangover!
Yesterday I bought a British kitten, and my husband is allergic to him. Maybe someone will take it? He's pretty… Height 185, brunette, works as an auto mechanic.
I don’t understand what I like more, picking mushrooms, or just walking slowly along autumn forest with a knife in hand.
Cats are talking the best remedy to relieve stress, but it’s true, you kick an asshole and it’s immediately easier!
Either they invite you to groups, or to games ... They would take it, but they invited me to barbecue!
Yesterday I was walking through the city with a brick in my hands and a smile on my face - even trams gave way. Smile at people and they will become kinder!
What is snow to me, what is heat to me, what is pouring rain to me when I go into a binge!
I cooked dinner ... I'm afraid to try it myself, I feel sorry for the cat ... I'm waiting for my husband ...
Drivers! Always let people with a white cane pass - they can't see well! Even more so, skip people with a selfie stick - they don’t see shit at all!
Today I showed my grandmother VKontakte. Now my grandmother thinks that I am somehow connected with the FSB.
All life is nishtyak, all women are ladies, and the sun is a ball that gives light!
Definitely time for me to see an optometrist! I go to the store, my eyes run wide .... I look at the prices, my eyes climb on my forehead .... I look in my wallet, I don’t see a dick at all.
My stomach is growing, maybe someone lives there?! Not! The test reassured me, it's just that someone eats a lot.
If the road has been repaired, it means that pipes will be changed soon.
Until you tell a person that he smells bad, the person will smell bad; until you tell a person that he champs loudly, the person will champ like that; until you tell a person that he is a fool, you will not know that he himself is such.
Lord, I'm not asking for myself, for my mother! Send her, Lord: a beautiful, smart and rich son-in-law!
I recently bought a gel for problem areas ... now I will smear my wallet with it ...
cactus collects negative energy. Especially when you suddenly sit on it ...
Discussing and condemning internet addiction is pretty funny, especially when it happens on the internet.
A wasp flew into my window, now this is her room ...
The Ministry of Health warns, if the question “Hey, do you have a smoke?” Smoking and non-smoking are equally dangerous to your health.
As Susanin liked to say: “Where are you in the forest without GPS.”
For complete control over the situation, it is not enough to listen to the voice of reason, one must also sniff the smell of intuition.
If at 40 you jump over the turnstile in the subway, then your health is in order, but you should think about the quality of life.
I love weekends! I spend them in 3D format: At home I press the sofa.
Scientists have discovered the elixir of youth. Now a person can maintain working capacity up to 85 years. The research sponsor is the Pension Fund.
I used to tell people about my problems. Then I decided that it was not necessary to cheer them up in this way.
It was only when he stopped drinking that Nikolai Petrovich realized for the first time in his life that he was not such an awesome dancer ...
Many women and men have doubts about their other half ... especially the bottom ... especially when they drink.
To the service "Call me back" you need to add "Urgent bl *!".
If you were bitten angry dog, do not be upset: someday a kind one will bite.
Nothing limits action like the phrase: “Do whatever you want!”
Women differ in that they do not see price tags point-blank, the “Give way” sign and normal men around them.
The wallet is called the "money house". No matter how I look, there is always no one at home!
The easiest way to justify drunkenness, disorder, dirty dishes, dirty jokes and occasional tantrums is that you are a creative person.
Modern avant-garde artists call their works an installation, and the audience - garbage.
If you start looking for something in the room, you can inadvertently do a general cleaning.
How you sometimes want to put a lemon not in tea, but in a Swiss bank.
Plan "Do not care." Everything is provided. And no surprises!
We offer you very funny statuses collected in this collection. They are ideal for ICQ, QIP, mail agent, contact and others. social networks. We have selected funny aphorisms and statuses for social networks that are positive. You can copy them to your profile for free. Also, these phrases are ideal for raising the mood, both for yourself and your friends and acquaintances.
A well-fed bear attacked a Russian tourist and just yelled at him.
These French strange people, less than a week before the elections, and they still do not know who will be their president.
You can’t be fluffy for everyone - they’ll drag you to the collars!
What do people do when their lights are turned off? That's right, they look out the window to see what kind of houses they still cut off the electricity!
What are you doing? - I'm dying - And what? - GOUASH, WHAT ELSE!
- I caught viruses here - Did you install the antivirus? - I installed it, but it broke -
If you don't know how to love, sit and be friends.
Missing dog, bull terrier. Who found - the kingdom of heaven -
How can I get to heaven if 5 out of 7 deadly sins is my hobby?
- You have such beautiful photos, you probably have a good camera! - You have such delicious borscht. Probably great pans!
Dogs running after cars are the souls of fired traffic cops!
Last night, the thermometer knocked on my window and asked to be let into the house.
Americans will never understand the Russian phrase: -Yes, no, probably—
- Girls, give me a lighter. - We don't smoke - Yes! and don't drink? - We don't drink. - Well, you give! - And we do not give!
If you constantly hear someone breathing, moaning, you feel someone's heavy gaze on you, then give way to your grandmother.
A boy was found in the jungle who was raised by a herd of elephants. You should have seen what he does with logs without pyk!
In our family, I buy groceries one day, and my wife the next. So it enters: we drink a day, we have a snack for a day -
Only in our country can laughter be heard from an overturned car.
Blocked up nose. I don't know now which socks are clean-
My grandfather, to find out what time it is, shines at night mobile phone yourself for a watch.
Valya cheated on her husband completely, and even cooked horns for dinner.
Downloading Gogol's book. Below is the inscription: if you want to help the author, buy this book.
Lucky people attack the rake from the other side.
Where to get the rights to drive an armored personnel carrier? - Oh my God, go for it! Who will stop you?!
I want it like in “Masha and the Bear”: I’m so small, impudent and pestering, he’s so big, strong, he protects me, endures everything, forgives and will always be there ...
A big hello to the people who call on the first of January at 18:00 in the morning.
I understood the moral of -Shrek-: it doesn't matter what you look like - the main thing is to find yourself the same freak as yourself.
— Darling, look what a beautiful day! - What are you implying? “You said yourself that you would leave me one day.
The main question of every morning: why didn't I go to bed early yesterday?
We do not step on a rake, we jump on them joyfully!
Clever thoughts come when all the stupid things have already been done!!!
Girls, if you are sitting in the subway, and in front of a charming young man, he does not take his eyes off you - Relax, it's just that you have a subway map behind your back!
If she is angry and leaves, don’t go after her, most likely she left for an ax.
15 years have passed after school and 10 years after graduating from the university, and every Sunday in the evening I get the feeling that I’m going to classes tomorrow, and homework I did not do.
Many thanks to the designers of Gazelle Business. Now the gear lever does not touch the knee! Well done boys!
My grandmother knows how to write text messages. Friends in the yard call her a witch.
In Uryupinsk only person who can afford to ride a jaguar is a zookeeper.
Some people argue that they made their way to the top, but in fact they just surfaced there.
The ninety-year-old optimist buys shirts for growth.
Masochist Vasily was bitten by a mosquito: a trifle, but nice.
Fear pulls back, curiosity pushes forward, pride stops. And only common sense treading nervously on the spot, swearing…
I called my husband. I ask: Do you love me very much? Answer: Buy. This is what real marital understanding means!
- You know, Vit, I love you. - Soooo, guys, we don’t pour more Lyokha!
I forgot to turn off the iron at home! Are you all on fire now? - No, damn it, everything will be ironed
Fear is when a tram that crashed into a Lamborghini disappeared into the yards!
If the third blade in the machine shaves even cleaner, then what the first two are needed?
A joke is a pile, a stake, fixed in the ground (for a berth, a leash). Boat on a leash. The ship is put on the port (also trans.: does not go to sea, put at the pier). * On a joke, someone (colloquial) is inactive, not exploited, not working. || adj. cool, th, th. (Explanatory dictionary of the Russian language (Ozhegov S., Swede N.) So, our cool statuses about something completely different...
Life is full of surprises ... Did the guy leave? Here is a burdock! You have such "Vkontakte" contenders 200 pieces!
Why is there no status in the "passive search" in the contact? I want to, but I'm too lazy to look
Sometimes I want to score on everything. Then I remember that I don’t do shit anyway.
The Jews are the most optimistic people in the world, they do not yet know how big they will grow, but they are already pruning.
We can suppress pain, tears, anger, love... But we can't hold back the wild roar...
Who said that a man makes himself with my own hands? First, not by myself. Second, not your own. And thirdly, not by hand.
A person experiences the most unpleasant moments in his life due to his own inattention. For example, he notices the absence of paper in the toilet not when he enters, but when he is about to leave.
Sociological studies show that everyone who sits on a hedgehog immediately starts thinking about their ass, and it never occurs to anyone to think about a hedgehog.
A glass of champagne turns Elena Beautiful, to Elena Wise, two glasses for cool Elena, and three glasses for a traveler frog.
Look at your mouse now. If it is clean, then you are a woman. And if it's dirty, then to hell with it.
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and think, oh, the middle of the night.
Only 1% of the population believes that the label on clothes is used to know how to take care of this thing: wash, iron, etc. The remaining 99% determine from it where the back is, and where the front is.
Even the most independent person loves to have her back rubbed in the bathroom.
My head works like a clock, but sometimes the cuckoo pops up.
Vitya, a homeless man, demands to be called Viktor because he recently ate a frog.
A complete fool are two reasons why guys do not pay attention to her.
Remember the simple rule of the Russian language: The word "sorry" is said when they want to do something nasty. And the word "sorry" - when this muck has already been done.
It does not matter that you take a kitten or a man into the house! Half a year a nice little pug, and then a cunning impudent type!
Not everything beautiful can be rationally expressed in words. It happens that you like it madly, but flies off the tongue: "fuck!"
All instructions in Russian should begin with the words: “Well, you moron, have you already broken it?”
I have not said for a long time: "Go to hell!". I say: "Everyone, stay where you are!"
If a girl asks you to leave her alone, leave her alone. Just don't leave her alone! In short, good luck to you, brother.
Worms always whine that they live in the ass. This is a biography. Only outside the ass they are not viable. This is biology.
Today I went to bed at 22:00. It's already 3-10 and I still can't get enough of going to bed so early!
You can't tell a boring person that he is boring, otherwise he will start to figure out why, and this is so boring.
I have a cat like a hachiko. And also zhratiko, sratiko and ssatiko, spatiko, oratico and at night sleep nedavatiko.
There is an opinion that cats and training are incompatible concepts. Nothing like that, my cat trained me in a couple of days.
Hello, my name is Slavik. - Very nice! - It's not for long.
It seems to me that in the status: "I want to understand a woman," the word "understand" is superfluous.
I immediately realized that nothing would work out with him when I ordered cognac in a cafe, and he ordered ice cream ...
We live once! Yes, even that is not enough. And not so... And not there... And not then...
Statuses about yourself beloved (beloved)
Love for others comes and goes. Self-love - sat down and sits.
I was born to turn money into dust...
It is difficult to understand me, it is difficult to calm down and it is impossible to explain anything.
I want to learn to admit my mistakes. Although, who am I kidding, what mistakes can I have?
It is unlikely that I will improve with age ... I live easily, I don’t blow my mustache! I appreciate people who like me! I appreciate them for their good taste!
It's good where I'm not. But I'm already on my way.
I am often confused with God - they say: "Lord, you again ?!"
