Wife calls her husband
- Honey, you have a serious problem!
- What's happened?!
- I drove into the Maybach, offered the owner to pay him in kind, he agreed.
- What is my problem?
- The owner is gay...
I arrived at a gas station. The wife and child are in the back seat. I put the gun in, I'm waiting, I'm thinking about something. At this time, the wife got out of the car on the other side to take the child to the toilet. I, without noticing this, refueled the car, sat down and left as if nothing had happened. I’m going, then, and then my wife calls on my mobile phone. I hang up the call and say aloud: "Stop fooling around, don't distract me." She calls me again, I look in the rearview mirror and then it hits me..
Hunting Dialogues
Hello. Hello Darling! Where are you?
I called work
You are not at work!
But today is Saturday.
- Are you at your Sveta again?
- I'm telling you for the hundredth time,
There was no light and no!
- I went hunting.
- You're lying, Petya!
- Damn, what are you?
I hunt bear.
- You know, Petya, I hear everything,
You please answer:
Who is breathing next to you?
- Who is breathing here?... Ah!!!... A bear!!!
Vanya (23:45:37 6/06/2010)
oh i have an idea
Vanya (23:45:44 6/06/2010)
put the outline on theorver in the toilet
Vanya (23:45:50 6/06/2010)
I'll have time to read everything in time for the exam
Vanya (23:51:42 6/06/2010)
pipets)))))
Vanya (23:51:44 6/06/2010)
I'm shocked)
albel17 (23:51:51 6/06/2010)
?
Vanya (23:52:04 6/06/2010)
Well, I decided to follow my wise thought
Vanya (23:52:15 6/06/2010)
sat, read 5 pages
Vanya (23:52:22 6/06/2010)
then I look toilet paper No)))
Vanya (23:52:30 6/06/2010)
then I realized that the idea was really good
A wife calls her husband every fifteen minutes: "Honey, where are you? I'm so
I miss. When you come? Kitty, paw, hare...etc."
Everyone is happy. The husband, seeing how much his wife loves him dearly, cannot live without
him a quarter of an hour. The wife is satisfied, because at this time she instructs
horns to her husband, and really wants to know where he is, and when he comes home,
not to take anyone by surprise. Well, the lover is satisfied by definition.
The story about the hunt for "hares" reminded the huntsman's story about a similar
hunting for
"bear", published 10 years ago. Due to the lack of a live bear
a man was sewn into a skin, strictly - sternly ordering him to fall and not
move at the first shot. Cartridges for Brezhnev, of course,
slipped the blanks. Wired, however, decided to show off: after
shot, he stood up to his full height, spread his "paws" and roared loudly. Security
opened fire with pistols! "Bear" fell, crap right in
skin...
Wife calls her husband on cell:
Why haven't you made it home yet? Where are you wearing?
- Yes, the headlights had to be adjusted, now I'm at the service, street
Lesya Ukrainka.
- I know this service. Now I myself will come to adjust the headlights for you and
at the face of this Ukrainian!
The wife comes up to her husband and says: - Our light bulb is burned out, the faucet is leaking and the door does not close well, fix it!
Her husband: - Am I a master of all trades or what?
The next day, the husband comes home from work, and the light is on, the faucet does not flow, the door is fine,
asks his wife: - Who fixed it? - Yes, I asked a neighbor, and he fixed it.
Husband: - And how did you pay with him?
Wife: - And he said: "Either "come on", or sing."
M: - Well, what did you sing to him? J: - What about me, a singer or something?
The hunter is going to hunt in the taiga, he does not know the area, he takes with him a guide from the locals,
they go through the taiga - the guide is ahead, cuts through the thicket with an ax with a long ax handle,
the hunter follows him with a gun, breathing down his back...
Clap! from the thicket a bear to a meeting. The guide froze with a raised ax, the bear also froze, the guide, without turning around, said to the hunter in an undertone:
- Come here...
Behind silence, he repeats again:
- Come here!
Behind again silence, he already hisses for the third time:
- COME HERE B@@TH!
Behind the hunter's voice is half a tone quieter:
- Na@@th you call him?
A company of new Russians is sitting. Suddenly a cell phone rings. One of them takes a pipe, there is a female
voice:
- Hello, dear, I'm on sale, and here they sell such a cool car for only 60 thousand
bucks instead of 120, can I buy it?
New Russian:
- Buy, there is no market.
- Darling, but here there is still a fur coat to be stunned, for only twenty pieces, can I buy it too?
- Go ahead, buy it.
- Thank you, darling, I'll do whatever you want tonight, kiss you bye.
New Russian, putting down the phone on the table.
- Brothers, and who did they call?
Wife calls her husband on a mobile phone: - Vanya, where are you?
- On the hunt.
- And who is breathing so loudly?
- Bear.
- And why is it moaning?
- I hurt him.
Why a female voice?
- Well, you know! I'm a hunter, not a veterinarian! "_+
Baba Yaga made moonshine. Calls the Serpent-Gorynych:
"Snake fly in, I've made moonshine here, let's swell!"
- "Yes, not old, I drank until the morning, I can't take it anymore, physically I won't make it."
Yaga calls Koshchey: "Koshcheyushka, stretch! I've made moonshine here, let's swell!"
- No, old. I was drinking with Gorynych, and there is still a lot to do during the week. I’ll come to you right now, sit down on a glass - I won’t solve matters.
Yaga calls Leshem: "Come, we'll swell" - "Without a market, I'll be right now."
Baba Yaga was delighted, sits at the window, waits for Leshy and observes such a picture.
Goblin runs through the clearing. Runs 15 meters, falls, lies for about five minutes, then blows up again, runs another 15 meters, etc.
When Leshy got to the hut, Yaga asked him: "Lech, what's wrong with you"
- "Just think, old, when I think about moonshine - my legs carry themselves, but when I imagine that I will have to sleep with you later - I immediately lose consciousness ...
A woman's lover calls:
- Beloved, come, I missed you so much, you won't regret it.
- Why are you stunned, and what will I tell my husband?
- Well, think of something, say that a friend died and you need to fly to the funeral ...
She told everything to her husband, he agreed, but on the condition that she would take his mother with her. Wife calls her lover
-Can you imagine, he won't let go without his mother-in-law.
-Damn it, take your mother-in-law and fly in!!!
They flew, landed, and at the airport two cars and people in black were already waiting for them. They put the wife in one, the mother-in-law in the other, and the cars drive off to different directions. Three days later they are brought to the airport, the wife and mother-in-law silently board the plane, and after a 5-minute pause, the mother-in-law
says to the bride:
-I don't know about you, but I will fly for 9 and 40 days!!!
The headmistress, pushing a speech at the graduation, distinguished herself:
about each graduate, handing the certificate, it was required to say something good. Inspiration runs out pretty soon. Another graduate is out. Headmistress:
Lenochka came to our school as a girl...
... pause ...
Then she became a girl...
Here the director hangs. Voice from the audience:
We're interested, keep going!
The scene is a pet store. Department of aquaristics... I'm looking at "venal" fish.. Beautyaaa... Close to nirvana. Suddenly I discover a species of fish that my good friend has been looking for for a long time. I immediately click on the buttons on my cell phone.
Conversation from my side:
- Hello! I'm in the Aqua Gallery. There are snowflake mollies here. Did you want them? And who do you? And how much? There are also black ones. Let's figure it out later. Let me buy now - and you'll pick it up in the evening.
Agreed. Goodbye.
In the evening he comes:
- Irka, can you imagine, I talked to you, and then I look - my colleagues have already crawled under the tables from laughter. I to them: what's the matter? And they can't even say a word. They only grunt - they can’t laugh anymore ... Then, when they calmed down, they quoted a part of the conversation that they heard one-sidedly:
- Hello! Great! Want! Really want to! I want for a long time!!! Me girls! A couple! Although, come on, three. No, only white ones. How much money? Good! At six in the evening I run to you!
Vodka is an amazing drink: - The taste is always the same. - And adventures are always different!
IF... there is a choice in which HELL... to burn, I will choose - RUSSIAN: THEN the boilers are full of holes,... THEN the firewood is raw,... THEN the devils are drunk..!!..))).
Dear ministers of education!!! and you could draw in the 3rd grade: "THE WORLD BY THE EYES OF A GRASSHOPPER?"??? what are you smoking when you make the school curriculum???
It's good to be a caterpillar: you eat - you eat - you eat, then you wrap yourself up, sleep - sleep - sleep, wake up - beauty!
Dad, what is Friday the 13th?
- - Well, this is when different witches, kikimoras, mermaids get together, drink, walk, have fun, dance ...
- Dad ... it looks like March 8th ...
Hospital. The nurse whispers to the doctor:
- Doctor, I have a patient there, the one who is brand new, quacks into some kind of squeaker. Maybe call a psychiatrist?
- Don't, it's professional hunter. He's probably asking for a duck.
A wife calls her husband on a cell phone:
- Vanya, where are you?
- On the hunt.
- And who is breathing so loudly?
- Bear.
- And why is it moaning?
- I hurt him.
Why a female voice?
- Well, you know! I'm a hunter, not a veterinarian!
Wife:
- Honey, where have you been all night?
Husband:
- Fishing.
Wife:
- Got something?
Husband (shuddering):
- I hope not.
A man walks into a fishing shop:
- Girl, do you have silicone baits?
- Man! I have everything natural!
The man is catching fish. He sees that the float began to tremble. "It's too early to hook, let him swallow," the man thinks. The float began to oscillate even more. "It's too early, let him swallow for sure," the man thinks. The float disappeared under the water, the fishing rod - an arc. The man recklessly hooks and drags the bait towards himself.
A worm flies out of the water and yells:
- Man, are you stunned? Almost got eaten by a fish!!!
The boss asks the applicant for work:
- Do you like to work?
- No, I'm a fisherman and always look for an excuse to run away from work to go fishing.
- You are accepted, - says the chief, - not a single fisherman who speaks the truth has worked for us yet.
Returning from fishing, the husband asks:
- Is the cat at home?
“Come in, don’t be afraid, I bought sprats for him,” the wife replies.
One fisherman says to another:
- I caught salmon at 72 kilograms.
- What's this! And I caught a bronze candelabra for 4 candles, and the candles were burning.
- Listen, if I lose 40 kilograms, will you put out the candles?
The farmer says to her husband over morning coffee:
- Dear, but tomorrow is twenty-five years since you and I are married! Shouldn't we stab a boar on this occasion?
- That's more nonsense! What is the boar's fault?
Sitting in a boat, a novice angler turns to a friend:
- Do you have a spare float?
- For what?
- I got a defective one. Drowning all the time.
Three hunters meet. One says:
- You walk around the lake, you see, the duck is flying, you bang her from a gun - this is hunting.
Second:
- You walk through the forest, you see a hare running - you bang him - this is a hunt.
Third:
- Walking down the street, you see, a woman is walking pretty. You hunt, she hunts - this is a hunt.
Two friends are talking at a table in a restaurant.
- You see, - says one, - recently I was sitting on the bank of a river and, can you imagine, a sturgeon suddenly swims right at me!
The waiter next to me couldn't help it.
- Tell me please! And a big portion?
Early in the morning, a man is fishing on the bank of the river. Then another man comes up and starts staring at the one who catches. An hour is staring, a second, a third ... Toward evening, who was catching, he asks another:
- And why are you all sitting, but not catching fish?
- I don't have the patience.
Quiet early morning. Three fishermen are sitting on the bank of the river.
A frog swims up to one and asks in a whisper:
- Biting?
Fisherman (in a whisper):
- No...
She swims to the second:
- Biting?
- No...
To the third:
- Biting?
- Shh... Pecking...
The frog leans back noisily and yells:
- And I don't care! I'm swimming here!
Court:
- Accused! Why did you shoot your fellow hunter?
I thought it was an elk...
- And when did you realize that you were mistaken?
- When the moose began to shoot back.
Two Chukchi went hunting, shot a walrus, grabbed him by the tail and dragged him home. But it is inconvenient for them to pull, - the walrus plows the ground with its fangs. A hunter comes towards him, sees what is happening and says to them:
- Guys, take it from the other side, it will be easier to drag.
Have taken. One says to the other:
- Look, it's easier in truth, a smart man got caught.
They dragged like that, dragged, suddenly another:
- Uh-uh, your man is a fool, we dragged him back to the sea!
Two in jail
- Why were they imprisoned?
- For poaching, jammed the fish.
- Did you get a lot of fish?
- After the explosion, two roaches surfaced.
- And for this you were given 10 years?!
- But two more divers surfaced for the roach.
Two pensioners are going fishing.
One asks the other:
- Aren't you afraid to leave the apartment unattended?
- Not really. I put a note on the door.
- What?
"Great, Vovan! I fell off for a while at the arrow. Urgently go to the Gnus or Rough, tell me that I have the barrel. They soaked the Frail one yesterday. Iron."
Two Armenians - father and son - leave the house.
- Dad, dad, where are we going?
- Go hunting, son.
- Dad, dad, we don't have a gun, a knife, not even a slingshot.
- Uh, son, you still don't know what the Armenian evil eye is. There, you see a bunny sitting under a bush. Look how beautiful, soft, fluffy he is, and what beautiful eyes he has, what beautiful ears, paws ..
The bunny suddenly fell and turned around.
- Oh, dad, how smart you are, what a skilled hunter you are, how you dealt with this bunny, what a fine fellow you are ... dad! dad! dad!!!
When you were young, what were your favorite pastimes?
- Hunting and women!
- And who were you hunting for?
- For the women!
