". Even if you do not have time to feed the child five times a day or play with him not as often as "should", this is not a reason to "fire" yourself from the position of a good mother.
You have read a bunch of specialized books, but are still looking for the answer to the question "" In this case, the advice of psychologist Anastasia Rubtsova will surely come in handy. Anastasia collected the basic “rules of a good mother” according to psychoanalysts and shared her findings on Facebook.
Before, only my friends started talking to me about what a good mother is. Now the men are doing it too. I wanted to say “and I draw conclusions”, but I do not draw conclusions. I'm just freaking out. Because conversations usually go in the spirit of "everyone knows that a really good mother should have horns and a blue tail, only this way and nothing else."
Let me tell you what a “good enough mother” is according to psychoanalysts. The same notorious Winnicott, to whom everyone always refers, and those who follow him. Literally telegraph line.
She, this mother, must be physically.
Don't laugh, it's not such an obvious point. That is, she should not disappear for more than a few days, go on a research expedition to the Republic of the Congo for six months, work until 11 pm, go to the hospital for a month, or even die. All this can happen to her. What does not happen in life. But then the father, grandmother, nanny becomes the figure replacing the mother, and all our following points will already refer to her.
She knows how to deal with her anxiety and calm the child.
This is a very complicated point, dozens of books and articles have been written about it, but in a nutshell: if your house is a mess, if you can leave the house without checking seven times if the iron and gas are turned off, if you don’t panic , looking at how a child climbs a dirty ladder, it means that you somehow cope with anxiety. If you can hug a child in such a way that he calms down (not strangle, but hug), if you at least sometimes manage to replace “Don’t yell, stop embarrassing me!” to “Everything is fine, everything is fine, my little one, let's calm down,” at least in one case out of a hundred, then you can handle it. And even if it fails, it can be learned. Gradually.
A good enough mother is wrong.
She must be wrong. Required. Sometimes you don’t have to guess what the child is squeaking there, whether it’s frozen, or it wants to eat again. Moreover - do not anticipate his desires. Sometimes it's too warm or too easy to wear. Do not fulfill all his requirements and do not buy everything that he asks. And so on. According to Winnicott, a good mother is wrong about 30% of the time, and her mistakes are absolutely necessary for the child - otherwise, if she were perfect, he would not have learned to cope with resentment, sadness, anger and rage. According to other researchers, the more ideal the mother, the worse it is for the child's psyche. Moreover, the same heightened anxiety that we have in the previous paragraph is often passed off as "ideal".
A good enough mother has her own life.
She is not completely immersed in the child, there are other people with whom she rests her soul from infantile fun, all these "cuckoo" and "we pooped." Winnicott thought that she should also have good sex with the father of the child, but here Winnicott is not an authority, because he himself did not give birth to anyone. And before sex there, in the first year of infant life, God forgive me. And why exactly with the father of the child? But the bottom line is that the mother has an adult - it doesn't matter if it's sexual - relationship with someone else.
Every evening I tell my son: "I love you." And the boy, who is 7 years old, answers me: “Anyway, I love you more” ... Some mothers are especially lucky, they have a son. The bond between mother and child is very strong, but in the case of sons it is special.
A person who has been doing unthinkable things all day long - running very fast, naughty, fighting and being capricious, in the evening turns into such a gentle and sensitive creature that you can’t even believe it! This is an important point: you need to let the child know that his love is mutual, and his mother loves him no matter what.
Then a real man will grow out of a boy, not only strong, responsible and corresponding to the ideas about men in this world, but also able to love! But this is the main thing for a person - to be able to give his love to others and appreciate it.
These rules are clear to every mother, but even the most diligent parents should be reminded of such things. Indeed, the daily bustle sometimes erases the essence of what is happening - for the sake of which, in fact, we all gathered here and why we do everything. Remember the most beautiful moments that fall to the lot of a mother raising her son!
How to raise sons
1. Feelings turn into words
To help your child cope with emotions, it is worth teaching him to express his feelings in words. A healthy child is one who does not restrain his emotions, understands himself, knows how to control sensations and calls a spade a spade. Emotional constriction breeds many diseases! Show by your own example how to express emotions correctly and how to name them.
2. Support forever
The main admirer of the son is his mother, of course. She knows everything about his achievements and failures, remembers the smallest details of his life. Sometimes a son may be ashamed of his devoted fan, but he will always know that there is a person in this world for whom he is the most important.
3. Householder
Do household chores with your son, teach him to cook, wash, clean and take care of himself. He will definitely need it!
4. Dance
Dance together, and never make fun of a child's awkward movements. Dance is a way to get to know your body better and express your state through movement. This is a great therapy for bad mood and stress.
5. Good people.
There are a lot of good people around, and everyone is beautiful in their own way! Teach your child to be receptive to positive examples, talk about outstanding scientists, travelers, writers... Faith in people is instilled from childhood. When it is not, life loses its meaning. The son will still have time to face the negative, but to see the good in everything - this can be taught.
6. Best example
The superhero is mom. The most intelligent, beautiful and kind. Always remember that you are the ideal for your child and match it.
7. Faith
A person must believe in something. If you protect a child from religion, teach him to believe in goodness and justice, in karma. Faith saves from loneliness and despair and will be with the child all his life.
8. Tenderness
There are things with which you need to be careful and gentle. Animals, nature, small children and other people's feelings are real treasures.
9. Things
Things break, spoil and get dirty, it's inevitable. Mom should take it for granted. An extra quarrel over soiled clothes is useless, it is much better to teach a child to correct the consequences of his violent activity.
10. Interests
It is very important to maintain mutual understanding with your son, and for this you need to be interested in what he is interested in. This is useful for mom - learning something new, she retains her youth!
11. Walks
Walk together more often, enjoy the beauty around. Teach your child to understand nature and enjoy observing.
12. Games
The son doesn't always have to win - let him lose. This is a useful experience that will teach him to treat life philosophically. Not always everything will work out, you need to earn a victory.
13. Help
Do not refuse to help your child and ask for help from him! This is an excellent tool for educating a wise person. Helping his mother, the son feels useful and learns to help other people.
14. Practice
To achieve perfection, you need to work! Talents without hard work mean nothing. Teach your son to be diligent and not to quit things before finishing them. If it didn't work on the first try, it will definitely work on the tenth.
15. Questions
Try to answer all the questions your child asks you. Ask counter questions. The most important thing is to teach the child to find answers to all the moments of interest to him on his own.
16. Dad
Mom should let dad be dad! For a son, this is authority, there is no need to undermine it, even if dad does not always cope with his role.
17. Sports
For a boy, this is very important! Choose a sport that won't be too traumatic, like swimming. Physical strength and health will help a man to be self-confident.
18. Kisses.
Tactile contact is important for both boys and girls. Hugging, kissing and holding hands is to show your love. Teach this to your child.
19. Society
Take your son with you to visit, travel, everywhere. This is an invaluable experience that will shape his personality!
20. Necessary things
Never forget to put tissues, antibacterial agent and band-aid in your purse! Without this, it is better not to leave the house.
21. Good manners
To be able to give way, to be polite and even courteous, to respect women are useful qualities. They will win people over to their son and promote social adaptation. Always show courtesy by example.
22. Reading together. Read books together!
When a child is already reading on his own, it's great to just sit next to him and read your book. The example of an adult is contagious!
Your son is the treasure of your heart and he should always know about it. The boy will turn into a man, but he will love you just as much. Even in difficult times, remember that you are lucky!
: Reading time:
With the birth of a child, a woman's life changes. It seems that there is now a small lump on the first, second and in general any place. Personal time, interests cease to exist, the whole life of the mother is sacrificed to the child. Does he need such a sacrifice? Talks about the "ideal mother" psychologist Victoria Melikhova.
The media do not get tired of calling on mothers to appreciate every minute of their babies' childhood, to rejoice at scattered toys, soiled diapers and a child who does not leave his mother a single step. Indeed, time flies very quickly. Soon the baby will grow up, and mother with a nostalgic sigh (or tears) will remember the moments when he depended on her, needed her.
She will really miss the endless questions, hugs and kisses before going to bed, semolina smeared on her face. But it will be later.
Let's see what she is, an ideal mother. Pediatricians, educators, relatives and strangers strive to teach mom something, reproach for ignorance and inability, and even shame: “How can you not know this, you are a mother!”.
Faced with constant advice and teachings, mothers get lost. They feel incompetent, imperfect. Angry at the child - a bad mother. I wanted to go to a friend without a baby - how is it possible! Tired of the cry of a child - and what did she expect.
Do mothers need advice? And does she have to know everything and be perfect? And who set the criteria for ideality... Unanswered questions.
"Perfect mother" is not the same as "happy mother"
Let's put ourselves in the place of a woman who recently became a mother. Only yesterday the whole world belonged only to her: she could do what she wanted. She planned her time, she had friends, work, interests. During pregnancy, all relatives took care of her, supported her. She was surrounded by attention.
What happened after the baby was born? The little lump is still quite helpless. In addition to milk, diapers and a crib, a child needs a mother who will hug, warm, feed and soothe. Which will call by their names everything that happens to the child. Which for a while will become for him the whole world.
Now there is no free woman, there is a mother-child pair. And the first year of a baby's life, this couple works for the unquestioning satisfaction of all his needs.
“I'm just like a squirrel on a wheel. Every day is the same. We wake up at six in the morning and it began: feed, change diapers, wash clothes, play, entertain, feed again, soothe, bathe, soothe again, read a fairy tale, feed again, put to bed .... That seems to be it, rest ... not there it was! Not even two hours pass before he needs something again ... Of course, I love my child, but I'm so tired ... "
“When I didn’t have it, I could go out with friends, listen to music, I loved going to the gym .... Now I practically don’t leave the house. I know all the cartoons by heart, but I have completely forgotten that I loved myself.
“I feel so dependent. I'm just attached to the house and the child. Now again, as a child, I have to ask my mother every time I just need to go to the store. I can't work, I don't have my own money, I don't have my own time."
Being a mother is not easy. Mom is a person with her own interests, needs, desires. She, too, can get tired, angry, upset. She's not always perfect. And should it?
Good enough mother
The concept of "good enough mother" was introduced by pediatrician and psychoanalyst D. Winnicott. He said that "there is something in a mother that makes her ideally suited to meet the needs of her child at the stage of infancy ..."
Any mother was once a baby herself and the memory of this experience is stored in her unconscious. Thanks to this experience, the mother knows how to handle the child. She doesn't need to be taught. She doesn't have to be perfect.
“Children, even infants, do not at all need a human being with omnipotence nearby. “Good enough parents” are suitable for children, said D. Winnicott.
You can't be perfect, and you don't have to be. On the path of motherhood, mistakes are inevitable. They don't have to be afraid. They can be taken into account, grow and learn from them. And at the same time, teach the child to accept himself as he is, not to be afraid to make mistakes and try again.
A good enough mother is not afraid of making mistakes. She is not afraid to try and seek, to ask for help if needed.
Any mother was once a baby herself and the memory of this experience is stored in her unconscious. Thanks to this experience, the mother knows how to handle the child. She doesn't need to be taught.
She loves her baby and takes care of him the way he needs. She knows that she cannot always love a child. She admits that sometimes she gets mad at him, sometimes she gets tired, sometimes she just wants to be alone. And he doesn't feel guilty about it.
She is not afraid to express her tenderness and love for the child, she is not afraid to spoil and spoil him with her care. But she has the courage to show the child that she, too, is hurt, that she is also angry, also tired.
She boldly tells the child about her feelings and needs. Mom through the eyes of a child is a living person who has something besides him. Hearing from her the names of feelings, he learns to distinguish them in himself. As an adult, such a child will respect himself and others, will understand his feelings, be aware of needs and satisfy them. A mother who knows when she wants to play with her baby, and when she just needs a cup of coffee alone, will be better able to feel the needs of the child.
A child needs a "filled" mother
Remember, on airplanes, it is always strongly recommended to put on an oxygen mask first on yourself, and then on the child. Only when the mother is safe, comfortable, full of energy, can she help the baby cope. In the event of a disaster, who will take care of the child, even if he is wearing a rescue mask?!
Another metaphor. Imagine a well. If everyone only takes water from it, it will soon dry up and will not be able to perform its function - to provide people with water. First, he himself must drink water to the brim, fill himself up and only after that share with people.
Just like mom. What can she give the child if she herself is running out, if she herself does not have the strength and energy.
The script of life children take from their parents. Only happy parents can raise happy children. Only after experiencing the experience of acceptance, satisfaction of their needs, help and support, a mother can teach a child to take care of herself.
"I'll manage somehow, the main thing is that he was well." Don't get around. It will not be good for any child if at the same time it is bad for his mother.
Just like mom. What can she give the child if she herself is running out, if she herself does not have the strength and energy.
So let's not be a perfect mom, but a good enough one. And let's imagine that when buying a new thing for yourself, drinking a mug of hot tea, attending an event without a child, you, like into a well, pour strength and energy, which you will then generously share with your child.
Memo. What to do if you are a tired mom
You are a young mother, you love your child, but you are tired and need support and help. What should be a mother for a child ... Stop! Mom doesn't owe anyone anything. But if he wants, he can use my recommendations.
1 Stop worrying and blaming yourself for not being “ideal”. Yes, you are tired. Yes, there are things you can't handle. And that's okay.
2 Think about who can take on some of the worries. A husband, mother or mother-in-law can sit with the child for a couple of hours while you take a walk in the park and relax. Or maybe a friend will take the baby for half an hour while you calmly take a bath. If possible, try to find a nanny.
3 Recall what you were fond of before the birth of the child. Drawing, singing, embroidery, movies... Find at least half an hour a day to resume your favorite activity. Can't get half an hour? Ten to fifteen minutes is fine too.
4 Chat with the same young mothers. Perhaps they will share valuable information, suggest their own ways to cope with fatigue.
5 Don't be afraid to speak up and express your feelings. You can say that you feel that you are tired, that you are angry. Talk to family, friends, other moms. The main thing is that you feel that you are not alone. There is always someone to hear and support you.
All these recommendations about what a mother should be will help you maintain your identity and significance. This means remembering that in addition to your mother, you are a wife, daughter, girlfriend, specialist, a person with your own interests and needs. Your life goes on, it's just that one more area for self-disclosure has now been added. You are taking your first steps in the field of motherhood.
A filled and rested mother, along with milk, will give the child a supply of energy, vitality, love of life. We can only share what we have ourselves.
Every woman wants to be a good housewife, wife and, most importantly, a good mother. But often in the daily bustle, we forget about the simple things that make a mother out of a woman. We forget to tell children that we love them, we forget to just hug them. After all, expensive tutors, private schools, and valuable material goods that we so often worry about are not what strengthens our connection with a child. Sometimes you need to be a little distracted from the process of teaching the baby, and be with him just a kind and caring mother.
30 rules of a good mom for every day:
- Tell your child “I love you” more often. It's never too much.
- Show your baby that his hugs mean a lot to you and can solve a lot of adult problems. Just ask the baby to hug you in difficult times.
- When dining with children, be sure to ask about how their day went, what was good about it.
- It is important sometimes to praise the child in the presence of other people; for children, these moments are significant.
- You need to give children compliments and show how the child should give them to others.
- At every opportunity - kiss and hug the child.
- You have to teach your child to laugh. Including over yourself. Laughter often helps to get out of even difficult situations. Children should be taught not to take themselves too seriously. After all, everyone makes mistakes, but not everyone can laugh at them, not everyone can take their mistakes with a sense of humor. And is it important.
- Say "thank you" to your child more often. So we will teach him to be grateful.
- You have to be able to forgive everything. And this applies not only to the child. And it is worth explaining to your baby that anger eats from the inside of the one who is angry.
- Set aside a day when you will be alone with your child.
- You should never forbid a child to be himself, even if his emotions or reactions are not to your liking.
- Morning and awakening of the child should begin with our smile and kiss. Only without haste and shouting “We are late!”
- Everything that a child wants to talk about should be treated as the most important conversation in the world.
- You should try to ask your child what he thinks about things concerning your family. His opinion is also taken into account.
- There is no need to be afraid to trust children even with difficult work. Let them be wrong, but they will already know what it is. Useful in life.
- Children can and should be asked for help.
- You need to be able to admit your mistakes. This will teach the child to relate more easily to his mistakes. He will understand that not only he makes mistakes.
- Any little things should be important for you: whether it is the name of a friend in the kindergarten, or the name of a toy.
- Come up with a cute nickname for your child.
- Sometimes, instead of fairy tales, you need to tell children some story from your own life. All this unites him with you and with the family in general.
- Sometimes turn on the music and just dance together. Moments like these are the most precious.
- You can come up with a secret family password or cipher.
- Sometimes you need to let the kids play pranks: scatter socks and T-shirts around the room or paint themselves with paints. All this can be eliminated, and the children have fun. The main thing is not to overdo it.
- Rarely, but still, sometimes you need to be allowed to break the rules: let you watch TV until late, sometimes you can not go to school. Let these rare opportunities be a holiday for the baby.
- You should always ask for forgiveness if you were wrong.
- Let your child make their own decisions.
- If we have already promised something to the child, it must be fulfilled. Or don't make promises.
- When children sing, you need to sing along with them.
- It is very important not to forget to tell the child that his dad is the best and most caring in the world.
- It is necessary to take care of every gift, craft and postcard from a child, this is important for them.
When you have a boy, you feel great pride that you were able to produce such a perfect man. This is a kind of initiation as a woman. And since you have a very strong connection with your child, such a feeling of unlimited power over a man can seriously turn your head. And you start making one mistake after another. So, what you absolutely cannot do as a mother of a boy:
Ignore his opinion. You should consult with your son, thereby teaching him to take responsibility for his actions and make decisions. This is a very important quality in a boy! Not every man has the ability to really be the head of the family, and his parents should teach him this. In this case, dad plays the role of a competitor, and competition with him for the status of a man develops strength of mind and toughness in the boy, but mom teaches respect for a woman and her femininity.
Stop dreams. Boys are usually more active than girls. And your task is not to suppress this activity. If he wants to climb the hill - let him go, if he wants to go to boxing - let him, he wants to quit boxing and go to sambo - this is his right. He should try his hand at many things, let him do it. Do not think that he will grow up to be a slob. Rather, he will know what he really wants. The only caveat - do not forget to give him responsibility for his actions. Fell down a hill and broke his nose - no “I told you!”, admire the fact that he still rolled down; please be more careful next time.
Laugh at him, even if his actions are really very touching. Explain your laughter to the baby correctly: “It’s funny for me to see how such a little boy talks in a completely adult way. I am proud of you!"
Kiss on the lips. To avoid the indignation of many mothers, we will make a reservation right away: a kiss on the lips is an act of a sexual nature, period! It has nothing to do with maternal tenderness. To express tenderness, hugs, tickles and kisses on the cheeks, forehead, nose, etc. are quite enough.
Change in front of the baby. As soon as he began to walk on his own and say "I myself!", You should start treating him like a man. And this man is not yours, although you gave birth to him yourself. Therefore, you should not appear in front of him without clothes.
Discuss his mistakes with friends, especially with him. This hurts the pride of a boy somewhere around the age of 4-7 years. As a result, he learns one of two programs - either he ceases to trust women in principle, hiding his failures and problems from them; or ceases to be active in order not to make mistakes, which in adulthood turns into a “husband on the couch” or a complete lack of ambition.
