American jokes. We comprehend English humor - jokes

I am often asked about purely American jokes. It turns out that I had a selection of purely American jokes. I'm posting it here, albeit in an abbreviated form. Picked up more or less funny ones. Read, for the sake of Saturday laugh! 🙂

Collection of American jokes and anecdotes

Translated from English by Mikhail Genin (niho(a)estart.com) 2004

Rules: how to tell jokes and jokes.

1. Be sure you know the anecdote well and can replay it in your mind before you start telling it.
2. Try to make it as short as possible.
3. Avoid telling one joke after another and give the listener a break.
4. Remember that jokes must be funny and must not offend anyone present.
5. Vary your jokes, even if you have favorites.
6. Learn to tell a joke without laughing until you finish it.

Marty: "You heard Bob got kicked out of school for cheating."
Wade: How did this happen?
Marty: "He was caught counting his ribs in his biology exam."

Coid: "Only by chance did I read the letter on your desk."
Ken: "Accidentally"?
Coid: "Yeah, I happened to be wearing glasses."

Him: "I'm glad I wasn't born in France."
Her: "Why"?
Him: "I can't speak French."

Bob: "With the money I saved, I bought a truss that's 10 miles long and half an inch wide."
Joe: "Well, what are you going to grow on it"?
Bob: "I planted spaghetti."

Fred: "My uncle has the world's laziest rooster on his farm."
Bill: How do you know?
Fred: "He never crows at dawn. And, waiting for other roosters to start crowing, he nods his head in agreement.

Joe: "You put your boots on the wrong feet."
Mo: "But I don't have other legs!"

“Every time I drink tea from a cup, I have a piercing pain in my right eye. What should I do"?
"Take the spoon out of the cup."

"Is that Joe"?
"Of course it's Joe."
"Doesn't sound like Joe."
"Don't worry, it's Joe."
"Then, Joe, lend me 10 bucks"?
"I'll ask him as soon as he comes."

Ted: "I saw you pushing your bike on your way to work."
Mad: "Yeah, I was so late I didn't have time to sit on it."

Coid: "Is it true that carrots are good for eyesight"?
Fred: "Well, I've never met a rabbit with glasses."

Man: "Did you catch so many fish yourself"?
Boy: Oh no. The worm helped me."

First boy: "Tell me, what's the best way to teach a girl to swim"?
Second boy: “Well, it requires a certain technique. First, you grab her waist with your left hand. Then you gently take her left hand and…”
First boy: "She is my sister."
Second boy: "Oh, then you just push her off the board!"

The tenant from the second floor called the tenant from the first floor and shouted:
"If you don't stop playing that creepy saxophone, I'll go crazy."
"I'm afraid it's too late," he replied. "I stopped playing an hour ago."

Host: "If you are going to stay overnight, you must make your own bed."
Guest: “That suits me.”
Owner: “Here is a hammer and a saw for you. Good night".

The teacher asked the students to list all the American states. One little boy answered so quickly and with such accuracy that she interrupted him.
"You answered very well," she said, "much better than I could answer at your age."
"Yes," said the boy, "that's understandable, since there were only thirteen states then."

Him: "What would I have to give for a single kiss"?
Her: Chloroform.

Joan: "I didn't mean to upset you, Dick, but I got engaged to Joe yesterday."
Dick: "Okay, how about next week"?

Him: "I suppose I've seen your face somewhere else"?
She: “What are you, sir. It is always here and with me.”

An important lady in Washington decided that she could talk to President Coolidge himself. Having caught him during lunch, she decided that such a moment had come.
"Oh, Mr. President," she said, trying to disarm him with her directness. "I bet I could make you say more than three words."
"You lost," Coolidge replied.

The chief entered the warehouse and froze. He saw a boy who was leaning against the package and frankly lounging. It was unheard of impudence in his enterprise.
"How much do you get per week"? the boss asked sternly.
"One hundred and twenty dollars."
"Here's your hundred and twenty. Now, get out of here. You're fired".
After the boy philosophically hid the money in his pocket and left, the boss turned to the foreman and demanded: “Since when has this bum been working for us?”
"Never, as far as I know," was the answer. "He just brought us a package."

A beautiful young lady filed a check at the bank window to get cash. The clerk quickly checked the check and asked, "Can you identify yourself?"
After that, the young woman opened her purse, took out a mirror from it and, after looking into it for a couple of seconds, looked at the clerk and said, "Yes, it's me, don't worry."

One evening, a young woman, returning from a first aid course, stumbled upon a man lying face down on the unlit side of the street. “Here,” she thought, “now I will help this unfortunate one.”
After parking nearby, she ran up to him and began to give the man artificial respiration.
At first, the man coughed, then turned to her and, speaking with difficulty, said: “I turned on the lantern for the guy working down in the sewer well. I don't know what you thought, but I want you to let me continue my work."

The girl got a job as a stenographer, and she had to pass a test for the correct spelling of words.
"How do you spell the word Mississippi"? asked her.
She thought for a moment and then said, "The river or the state"?

Salesperson: “I've been trying to see you all this week. When will you be able to receive me?"
Director: "Agree on this with my secretary."
Salesperson: "I made a deal and we had a great time, but now I need to meet you."

A young woman entered a bookstore and approached the sales assistant.
“Do you return the money if the consumer is not satisfied with the quality of the goods”? she asked.
"It depends on the product," the seller explained.
"This item is a book."
“What didn’t you like about her, madam?”
"Well," she replied, "I didn't like her ending."

Patient: "Will my artificial teeth look like real teeth"?
Dentist: "Madam, I made them so natural that they will even hurt."

Man: (breaking into the hardware store) "Quick! Give me a mousetrap."
Salesperson: One minute, sir!
Man: “Don’t stand there like a pillar. Faster. I have to catch a taxi."
Seller: "Oh, sorry, sir, we don't have such a big mousetrap."

The hard rock lover listened to another disc and turned to his father, who at that time was reading the evening newspaper, exclaiming: “Well, have you ever heard anything like this”?
The father raised his head and replied: “No, it is unlikely. The closest thing I've ever heard is when a truck full of empty crockery crashed into a truck carrying pigs."

For his birthday, his parents gave little Willy a bicycle and proudly watched his debut.
On the first lap, Willy shouted: "Look mom, I'm driving without hands."
On the second lap, he said: "Look, mom, I'm driving without legs."
For the third time: "Look mom, I'm eating without teeth"!

Photographer: (to a young man) "The picture will look much better if you put your hand on your father's shoulder."
Father: "It will be much more natural if his hand is in my pocket."

The girl returned home from college and enthusiastically told her father about the undoubted benefits of physical education.
“Just look at this exercise. To strengthen the muscles of my arms, I take this stick by one end and move it slowly from right to left.”
“Well, great!” exclaimed the father. “And what science does not invent! If the stick had straw on the other end, you could also sweep the floor.”

The young husband, who agreed with his wife that they needed a vacuum cleaner, was very upset when, instead of the standard model, the wife bought a super vacuum cleaner.
“But, dear,” the wife explained, “it will not cost more! All we have to do is pay a little longer.”

Question: "How to quickly disperse the crowd"?
Answer: "Pass the hat around."

Having paid his hotel bill, the departing guest suddenly turned to the messenger:
“Quick, kid, run upstairs to room 454 and see if I left my pajamas and my razor. Run fast because my train leaves in six minutes.”
Four minutes later, out of breath, the messenger returned. "Yes, sir," he reported, "they are indeed there."

Two political candidates from different parties argue at a rally:
"There are a hundred ways to make money," declared the candidate, "but only one of them is honest."
"And what is it"? asked his opponent.
"Yeah!" said the first. "I thought you didn't know."

Hearing the doorbell, the owner of the house hurried to open the front door and found an old friend and a large dog next to him.
“Come in! Come in!” he joyfully greeted the guest.
A friend entered the house and sat down, while the dog chased the owner's cat, knocked over a table lamp and several vases, finally settling into the best chair.
When the guest was about to leave, the host said with sarcasm in his voice: "Try not to forget your dog!"
“Dog? I don't have any dog,” replied the guest. "I thought it was your dog."

"How old are you"? asked her at the magistrate. "Don't forget, you're giving information under oath."
"Twenty-one years and a few months," the lady replied.
"How many months"?
"One hundred and eight".

“Today it's so hot that I don't want to get dressed,” Jack says, getting out of the shower, “darling, what do you think our neighbors will think if I go out to mow the lawn in this form”?
"Probably I married you for money."

Oh my God! Send me Wisdom to understand my husband, Love to forgive him, and Patience to endure his mood swings. Because, my God, if I ask you for Strength, I will beat him to death.
Amen

A fairy godmother appeared to a 60-year-old couple on their 40th wedding anniversary. She said that because they were so devoted to each other, she would grant one of their most cherished wishes.
The wife wished to travel around the world.
Whack…! At that very moment, cruise tickets were in her hands.
The husband wished for a woman thirty years younger than him...
Whack…! In the same second, he turned into a ninety-year old man.

Little David was not good at math at all. Whatever his parents did! Teachers, mentors, special training centers, and no use. As a last resort, someone suggested sending him to a Catholic school. David was soon accepted into St. Mary's School.
Immediately after the first day at school, David ran into his room with a bullet, even forgetting to say hello to his mother. He began to study in all seriousness, books and papers lay all over the room. Immediately after dinner, forgetting about the TV, he returned to his studies. The parents were surprised.
This behavior continued for weeks until the report card arrived. David put the envelope on the table and went to his room. With great excitement, the mother opened the envelope. Her boy had an A in math.
She ran to him, hugged him and asked: “David, dear, how did this happen? Did the nuns help you?
"No!" said David. "The first day I came to school, I saw this kid nailed to the plus sign, I realized that they are not joking here."

(translation from English)

The world's first fully computerized airliner was about to take off on its maiden voyage without pilots or crew. The plane automatically taxied to the landing zone, the doors automatically opened, got out and lowered the gangway. The passengers boarded and took their seats. The ladder automatically retracted, the doors closed, and the liner approached the runway. “Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,” a voice said, “we are pleased to welcome you to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airship. Everything on this aircraft functions with the help of electronic devices and mechanisms. Sit back in your chairs and relax. Everything will be alright... Everything will be alright... Everything will be alright...

I know why you didn't go to work yesterday - you played golf.
- But that's not true! And as proof, I can show you the fish I caught yesterday...

Undoubtedly, the development of modern technology leads to great changes. But sometimes this is manifested only in a change in terminology. So, schoolchildren no longer blame their dogs as an excuse. A modern excuse might sound like this: the hard drive ate my homework...

For Americans, it's not as important to win as it is to look like a winner.

Well, what are you going to do about your excess weight?
- I don't know, doctor. Nothing helps me. Maybe I have an overactive thyroid...
- Analyzes show that everything is in order with your thyroid gland. If you have anything overactive, it's your fork.

The parents promised the kid a real big and special surprise for his birthday, and he really got it. He looked with admiration at the huge adult St. Bernard standing in the middle of the living room. The boy slowly approached the dog, walked carefully around it and looked into its large brown eyes. Then he turned to his mother and asked:
Is he for me, or am I for him?

The hurricane was so strong that it swept everything away, except for the diamond hairpin of the farmer's daughter, who asked:
How did you manage to save her?
And I put it in my mouth...
It's a pity your mother wasn't at home at the time. We would have saved the horse, the cart and some of the furniture...

Two lions escaped from the Washington Zoo and dispersed in different directions. A few weeks later they met.
“It’s so hard for me to get food,” one complained, “how are you?”
- Oh, I'm doing pretty well. I've found a good hiding place in the Pentagon and I eat a General every week. I think it will be many more years before they discover the loss ...

Like any other nation, Americans know that their country is the best in the world.

We had a very successful trip to Russia - we came back ... (Bob Hope)

Reviews

It means that the Englishman and the American are walking together, approaching the elevator:
- Please, sir, - says the American, - let's go to the "elevator" (American elevator).
- Sir, - the Englishman answers, - this thing is called "lift" (lift in English).
- Well, how? After all, the elevator was invented in America!
- Maybe you will argue that the English language was invented in America ?!
---
Albert, great selection!

Thank you for the nice review and joke!
Although the American is also somewhat right, because, indeed, in a number of cases (take, for example, computer, space, and other terminology), scientific and technological progress to a certain extent also determines the development of the language ... Thanks to this, in particular , Americans sometimes lead in word creation. In my opinion, this is an objective and natural process... Of course, the American and British languages ​​are sometimes very dissimilar. Remember, O. Wilde wrote that England and America are two countries separated by a common language. Witty and true.
Sorry for the wordiness...
I wish you success!
Sincerely.

The daily audience of the Proza.ru portal is about 100 thousand visitors, who in total view more than half a million pages according to the traffic counter, which is located to the right of this text. Each column contains two numbers: the number of views and the number of visitors.

Good day! Perhaps English humor is famous all over the world. The British, like no one else, know how to joke, both on others and on themselves. English humor is on the one hand witty, subtle and sarcastic, and on the other hand flat, rude and prim. It all depends on how much you understand the mentality of the British, the culture of the country and the language itself. English jokes are most often momentary impromptu.

For the first time, Soviet viewers heard good English jokes while watching the movie Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson. In the mid-90s, the British comic programs Mr. Bean and The Benny Hill Show appeared on our TV screens, where we encountered sarcastic and slightly rude English jokes with translation. At first, such jokes in English caused misunderstanding and bewilderment, but later we began to better understand the specifics of these jokes, and even fell in love with the humorous shows of the English.

Researchers of the characters of the British unanimously confirm the opinion that humor is a national trait of the British. This trait has been cultivated in England for centuries, considered one of the most important virtues of a person. In the old British treatises on good manners and education, it is said that a sense of humor must be cultivated in order to achieve perfection.

Subtle humor and self-irony haunt the British everywhere: on radio broadcasts, on TV shows, in the media, in books and in everyday life. The carriers no longer feel it as sharply and react to jokes as foreigners, because for them this is already a kind of thinking. The most common humorous form, which is characteristic of the English, is fun for general fun and joy.

If you do not understand where to laugh, then I advise you to delve into the culture or history of Great Britain, or pay attention to compound words (from two bases). For example:

— Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
— Regular rocks are too heavy.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
“Because ordinary stones are very heavy.

Well, what's funny here? - you ask. The fact is that the word trefoil (shamrocks) includes the word stone (rocks), this is the whole “salt”.

I hope these simple notes will help you understand English humor at least a little. But still, you will not be able to fully master all the subtleties of the good old English joke. To do this, you must be born an Englishman.

Read jokes with translation! Have a good mood! See you later!

Is humor a universally understood phenomenon, or a narrowly national one? Will our witticisms be available to the British or Americans? And we appreciate their jokes? I recalled the case from the series “Friends”, when the main merry fellow Chandler tries to make a hilarious, in his opinion, toast at the wedding of Ross and Emily, where most of the guests are English. He didn't do well...

And if they, speakers of the same language, do not understand each other, then how will we understand their jokes? Let's look into the intricacies of English and American humor. We will find originality, differences and similarities, consider specific examples of jokes and anecdotes.

That English humor

England is a country of humor. Increasingly popular in Russia stand up (solo performance in front of a live audience) first appeared in the UK. The funniest sketch show in history is also an English product (of course, I mean Monty Python's Flying Circus). And humor in this country can be called a national trait.

To understand the peculiarities of English humor, you probably need to live there. While this is not possible, let's be content with canned examples preserved in literature, films, songs and in the experience of foreigners who moved to England and now complain in their blogs: "I moved 5 years ago, but I still can't catch up ...". Let's start!

The smile of an Englishman (part 7 of the film “England in general and in particular”)

Self-Irony: You Can't Take Yourself Seriously

The English always laugh at themselves. Both over their personal qualities (features of appearance / character / manner of speaking, etc.), and over national ones (excessive politeness, isolation, etc.). In general, it is believed that a person who is able to laugh at himself is psychologically absolutely healthy. We conclude: the British are a spiritually strong nation.

For example

I don't at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited
(Oscar Wilde)
I don't want to know what they say about me behind my back - I already have a rather high opinion of myself.

I got nasty habits, I take tea at three. (Mick Jagger)
I am very badly brought up: I drink tea at three.

I love talking about nothing, father. It is the only thing I know anything about. (Oscar Wilde)
I like to talk about nothing - it's the only thing I understand.

Sarcasm and irony towards the interlocutor

If they allow you to laugh at yourself, then the interlocutor will not be greeted. And not only to him. Everything becomes an object of irony: the weather, political events, the barking of a neighbor's dog. In other words, the British find humor in everything.

For example

For our last number, I'd like to ask your help. Would the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands. And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry. (John Lennon)
The last number needs your help. Those who sit in cheap seats, clap. The rest of you just jingle your jewels.

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the airplane, the pessimist the parachute. (Bernard Shaw)
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invented the plane, the pessimist invented the parachute.

Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything except the obvious. (Oscar Wilde)
Women have amazing intuition. They notice everything but the obvious.

Not a single muscle trembles: famous equanimity

As Seamus McManus (Irish writer) said, "Fear three things: the hooves of a horse, the horns of a bull, and the smile of an Englishman." Yes, they joke always and everywhere, but the facial expressions do not change (you won’t even notice!). You must always keep your ears open. Humor is based on subtle hints, comparisons and euphemisms.

For example

“I really like how loud you play your music”, - the Englishman will say with a calm, slightly sly face, in response to which you should laugh it off in style: “Oh, yes, everybody loves me for that, that’s why I live alone”, and turn down the music.

They (the English) are incredibly serious, respectable and respectable, but suddenly something breaks out, they say something very funny, sparkling with humor, and immediately become solid again, like an old leather chair. (Karel Capek)

Paradox rolls over

I sit and talk about the restrained, but biting British humor, with which a cane, a hat and a cup of tea are so associated. And images of Mr. Bean, Benny Hill and the guys from Monty Python appear in my head. How so? The image of an intelligent wit does not fit with them! And therein lies the strangeness of English humor. Together with restraint and subtle irony, love for oxymoron, grotesque, ridicule of everything and everyone in all possible forms coexists.

Monty Python's Flying Circus, miniature "Hitler"

Play on words, or Play upon words

English humor is most associated with the phenomenon of the word. The lion's share of their jokes is based on similarity, consonance of words. I can’t say that this is some kind of distinctive feature (we have puns, and in any other country). But in England this direction is especially loved. To understand such a joke, you need to know the language well, and to create a new one, you need to know it perfectly.

For example

– Excuse me sir, what is it?
- It's bean soup.
– I don’t care what it has been. What is it now?

– Why do you think she is now wearing a size 16?
– I guess she just 8 + 8 (ate and ate).

Types of jokes: how to become a pro in English humor

In any country there are certain types, one might say, patterns of jokes. How many variations do we have on the theme of lieutenant Rzhevsky or the notorious Vovochka? Among the English witticisms, too, there are such. For example, one can single out:

• Knock-knock jokes (which by the way are also used in America)
• Q&A jokes (also used in the USA and in Russia too)
• Cross jokes (based on a play on words, but with a special structure).

Now let's move on to the details. Let's talk about knock-knock jokes first.

For example

– Knock, knock!- says the beginner joke.
- Who's there?- answers the other participant.
— Earnest.- the instigator of the dialogue calls his “name”.
– Earnest who?
– Not earnest who – how earnest. In earnest.

You can already laugh. Above what? Let's figure it out. Knock-knock jokes are based on a play on words. In a specific example, the comic is based on the fact that Earnest is not only a name (Ernest), but also an adjective “serious”.

“Not a serious WHO, but a serious HOW. Very seriously." - answers the one who started the joke. Here, laugh.

There are a lot of such jokes. If you come up with your own pun, feel free to turn it into a knock-knock shape and play it with English-speaking friends.

Q&A jokes are a classic question and answer joke.(in the style of “ - How to drive a woman crazy? - Give money and close all shops.”)

On a play on words:

Q: Why was 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 8 9!

We say: “seven eight nine”, which sounds like “Seven ate nine” (seven ate nine).

On the meaning:

Q: Why did the Siamese twins move to England?
A: So the other one could drive!

As you know, right-hand drive cars in England. 🙂

Cross jokes (cross jokes), in which the joker wonders what will happen if something1 and something2 are crossed. And as a result of the play on words, another pun is obtained. I'll show you with an example:

– What do you get if you cross a dog with a computer?
– A computer with lots of bites

Bites "bites", consonant with bytes "unit of digital information".

Remember these names

To soak up the lively British humor, I advise you to watch films or performances with the participation of English comedians and stand-up artists.

Jon Richardson, Jack Whitehall, Sarah Millican, Jack Dee, David Mitchell, Stewart Lee, Ricky Gervais, Lee Nelson, Simon Amstell, Jimmy Carr, Billy Connolly, Micky Flanagan.

American Humor: Forget Banana Peels

American humor is funny. English is smart.(Steve Martin)

The phrase is taken out of context, but you can still build on it. Was the Englishman joking? Sometimes you don't understand right away. When an American jokes, you can see for sure. No, I'm not talking about the "cake in the face" stereotype. I find American humor very deep and interesting. But the joke of an American implies the reaction of the public - laughter. After it there will be a sustained pause and a noticeable expectation of the joker.

Eel constantly looks like he just told a joke and is waiting for your reaction.

Remember at least Jay Dee (the hero of the series “Clinic”), who will joke, laugh himself and look at the audience with a question in his eyes, “You are also funny, right?”. Again, I won’t say that this is a national trait of some Americans, but it definitely distinguishes them from the British, who may not even show that they were joking. English humor can be called chamber, designed for a prepared audience. American, on the contrary, is aimed at the general public. It has more exaggerations, loudness and “grimacing”.

Topics for jokes in America, in principle, like everyone else:

• national features (we joke about the Chukchi, the British about the Irish, the Americans, for example, about the Poles or Canadians),
• policy,
• celebrities,
• historical characters, etc.

True, one topic is still purely national - lawyers. Only the lazy do not joke about frequent judicial practices. I recall the movie parable “Route 60”, where many features of American culture were shown: complete freedom (a city with legal drugs), gluttony (a man with a bottomless stomach), and in one of the corners of the mysterious highway the main character ended up in the city of lawyers ... this topic abounds.

The film is a must see!

For example

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.

An excerpt from "Friends"

Another feature of American humor is impudence. In England, the most impudent meaning is likely to be wrapped in a solid shell. In the US, both content and form can be daring. For example, you can look at the brilliant monologues of Lenny Bruce, George Carlin or the famous speech by Eddie Murphy (I would insert them into the text, but no censorship will miss).

Jokes with not so

I have seen this national American fun in many films and sitcoms, but a scene from the movie “Borat” will explain the meaning of the joke better than me (by the way, pay close attention to the classification shown on the board).

Isn't it obvious?

Another type of joke I discovered in the vastness of the sitcom "Friends" (no wonder I'm told that I'm the first person in the world who was completely brought up by the series). So, just an example:

– Would you like one? a colleague offers a cigarette to Chandler.
Would Joey like two pizzas? he answers her, meaning that his desire to smoke is as obvious as the desire of glutton Joey to eat two pizzas alone.

There are a lot of jokes built on this principle in the series. Apparently this is a really common thing.

Remember these names 2

And again I urge you, reader, not to take my word for it, but to see American comedians in action.

Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, Eddie Murphy, Bill Hicks, Sam Kinison, Jerry Lewis.

had a good laugh

In fact, such discussions about humor are largely meaningless. Of course, the humor is different (thanks, cap). Foreigners will not understand jokes about “I will buy boots for my wife”, and jokes about Baptists are not close to us. After all, an anecdote will be successful when it corresponds to a certain culture.

But still there is something purely national, not only in the subject, but also in the nature of humor (which, in principle, we discussed). I hope the discussion turned out to be interesting and fun. Although no, I don’t pretend to be cheerful: let the professionals of this business mentioned above make you laugh 🙂