It's time to start a long and detailed story about the chancellery, the soldiers' "white bone", "the intellectual aristocracy among the soldiers," so to speak. It’s worth starting with general considerations: with a story about who they are in general in today’s army, why they are needed, what they do. And then ask yourself what they get for it good, and what - bad. In conclusion, talk about how to become or not to become a clerk.
Who are the office workers? Chancellors, they are clerks (there used to be such a name), “clerks”, “shribiki”, in the army they are conscripts who work with papers instead of officers. Any officer who has subordinate personnel has a lot of paper work. And time, and the desire to spend it on paperwork, which essentially no one needs, is not enough. This is how the urgent need for stationery appears.
Chancellery may be required for foremen, heads of departments, battery commanders, political officer (personnel officer), chief of staff, as well as the actual commander of a unit or unit. Further, we will talk mainly from the point of view of the staff and battery chancellor, since I served a total of 9 months as a staff chancellor, watched the activities of the battery chancellers for a long time, acted as the chancellor of the political officer and the chancellor of the foreman.
By the nature of his activity, the clerk is a cross between a modern secretary and a medieval page (a personal protégé in a military environment). Like a modern secretary, the clerk digs through papers, works with computers, electronics and office equipment, and wastes time with this very computer. As a page, he is a protege of a certain officer, carries out his instructions, up to performing the functions of servants at the table or an errand boy, and accordingly uses the opportunities provided by this position, which will be discussed below.
There is a certain interdependence between an officer and his chancellor. An officer needs a soldier, preferably an adequate and obedient one, in order to accurately and timely do the officer's paperwork for him, which he should submit in case of verification. A soldier needs a place where he will have maximum freedom of action, freedom to manage his own time, as well as certain intangible and material benefits.
If we talk about the soldier (and I will always focus on the soldier), then the first freedom, freedom of action, is that the officer cannot break and keep track of the personnel subordinate to him and this individual clerk at the same time throughout the entire time of service. That is, the clerk is often left without the attention of an officer, which allows the soldier to do very different things in the absence of a superior eye. And since the informal workplace of a clerk is the formal workplace of an officer, it is often richly equipped for more interesting pastime than what soldiers usually do: cleaning, landscaping, exercise, hard physical labor, outfits and combat duty. There may even be a computer - and this opens up gigantic prospects for the quick and painless killing of service time, which is what all conscript soldiers, without exception, strive for.
Paradoxically, with these opportunities, the clerk, if he is careful not to get fired (caught) with his private activities, can be perceived by officers as a soldier who is always under supervision, because he is constantly in front of the officer’s eyes and therefore most often the clerk is out of sight. suspicion of idleness. Although idleness, moreover, as "legal" as possible, if I may say so, flourishes in a riotous color precisely among the office workers and precisely thanks to the described freedom of action. Knowing this, some very astute (therefore small) officers constantly call all chancellers by default "loafers."
The second freedom, the freedom to dispose of one's own time, lies in the fact that chancellers, like none of the soldiers, fall out of the daily routine of a military unit. It may be that they may not appear at all at any events, both following the daily routine of the military unit, and not following it. That is, on sudden formations to recalculate the availability of personnel, on unplanned mass physical exercises due to someone's personal jamb, in barracks games, and so on. Chancellors are most likely to sit in the office, provided that they are extremely busy with a very important business, and the officer who patronizes them has a very high position. Or if they successfully pretend that they are extremely busy with a very important matter.
In our division, a completely “legal” unofficial practice was widespread, according to which the clerk could go on a weekday from the morning divorce (9:00) to the office and sit there until one in the morning with breaks for meals. And at the same time, sleep until 7 o'clock the next morning (with a general rise at 6:00), skipping morning physical exercises and cleaning. However, this was possible only with personal patronage and agreement with the officer on duty in the division, and circumstances conducive to this happened infrequently.
At the same time, of course, the clerk, in fact, could not sit around the clock in the office, but be in some other places, but definitely not where all the other soldiers are, doing not the same as the rest, not at the same time, when the rest. This is the essence of freedom of the second kind.
In the light of understanding this freedom, it also becomes clear that the desire of office workers to “work” on weekends in the office, when, according to the idea (according to the charter), all work should be stopped. On Sunday, the clerks in the office (if they manage to come up with a convincing reason to get there) revel and completely dissolve in the absence of other officers, except for those on duty, who are most often either in the barracks or in the officers' dormitory. The rest of the soldiers on Sunday follow the daily routine, according to which, from morning until lunch, sports events (at best, voluntary-compulsory football or volleyball, at worst, a 5 km cross with equipment) and the rest of the time until lights out sit in the barracks in leisure room. Do I need to explain what bliss the chancellor experiences when he goes to the office on the weekend?
In talking about the non-material and material benefits received by the chancellor, it is worth noting that they are directly dependent on how high the place in the hierarchical ladder is occupied by the patron of the chancellor among officers. Here we are talking about both formal authority, the source of which is the position and rank, and informal, which depends on the characteristics of the individual. For example, a clerk under the chief of staff receives more benefits, has different duties and opportunities than a clerk under a battery commander. In the first case, the position is major, in the second - captain. However, there are other captains or even senior lieutenants who are more respected among officers than majors, and so on. This, of course, is the exception rather than the rule.
What are these clerical benefits? Firstly, higher prestige among the personnel of the unit - both among officers and contractors (“double basses”), and among conscripts. Soldiers, double basses, and even some officers, most often will not want to find fault or quarrel with a clerk who is patronized by an important officer who, in turn, can harm them. Moreover, this is due to the fact that there is a possibility that the clerk will complain to the patron (which is considered squealing if the complaint is about other conscript soldiers - this does not apply to double basses and officers). So is the fact that, having discovered the absence of a familiar soldier with a bunch of papers at his workplace, the officer quickly takes him from where he took the soldier of a smaller rank (for example, from work, from cleaning, sometimes even from the outfit), and returns the clerk to the "placed" place.
In our division, it often happened that there were practically no free working people left for work, cleaning and outfits (there were “queens” walking on duty in the company). And it is necessary to supply people with work, cleaning, and even more so with outfits. Even in such conditions, they tried not to involve clerks in other work than paperwork, or, at least, not to tear them away from their place of permanent residence: for example, they were assigned to induce PCBs in the clerk’s office or put on patrol duty so that they could write on a free shift. Or sent to the checkpoint with permission to write.
Thus, even a typical punishment in the form of a duty order (for an old-timer or with a soldier’s status above average, this is already perceived as a punishment) to the chancellor turns out to be of little use, simply because he is needed not anyhow where and anyhow to whom, but precisely here and precisely this officer . However, if the office is located in a company (barracks), then the office will almost always be put on duty (even if he most likely will not perform the duties of an orderly in practice, but will write).
Secondly, the clerk is informally allowed to have an advanced phone with a camera and the Internet. More precisely, if the clerk has it, then they are almost obliged to always use it in order to always be in touch with the officer and fulfill his instructions like “Find information on the Internet about this”, “Quickly bring this”, “Take a picture of this ". Clearly, not in the presence of outside inspectors. Ordinary soldiers also have legal "slippers" (most often kept in the officer's safe), with the help of which all soldiers are only allowed to make calls, and only on weekends. Illegal phones are confiscated upon detection, sometimes even with their subsequent destruction, especially if the phone has a camera and Internet. My phone has never been seized in my entire service.
Thirdly, officers more often speak to the chancellor as if they were a person, and not as if they were a soldier (this is a big difference). Human communication, and not according to the charter, with smart adults is something that is sorely lacking in the army.
Fourthly, it is easier for a chancellor to get a higher military rank, and, accordingly, he receives it more often. Why? The chancellor is constantly in front of the authorities. Thus, it is easier for him to show himself from the best (or from the worst) side - this is more often noticed. It is easier for the chancellor to ask for the assignment of the next military rank from his officer due to the fact that he is more familiar with him and is not personally afraid of him (or is much less afraid than other soldiers). The chancellor carries out the officer's orders informally and personally to the officer, that is, it seems to be providing some kind of service for which you can get some kind of reward. The usual good service in the role of an ordinary soldier with formal submission to this is more difficult to achieve.
Fifthly, it is easier for the clerk to get out of the military unit for completely legal reasons. That is, it is easier to get a bump. Often under the pretext of buying "kantsukha", that is, stationery for the office, at their own expense. Paper, pens, pencils, erasers, scissors, rulers, putties, cartridges - all this is practically not financed formally, from the budget. I saw the delivery of kantsukha "from above" only once before the new year, and the volume of delivery was somewhere around 1/10 of what was needed. So, almost always, officers pay for everything they need together or personally at their own expense (as well as many other things). Of course, the officers do not like this, so that independent and voluntary financial support for their work on the part of the chancellors is encouraged and stimulated in every possible way.
Sixth, the clerk is informally allowed to have more things than the average soldier. For example, in his bedside table there may be unfinished schedules, abstracts, statements, magazines, books, notebooks, various stationery, and so on. It is clear that all this can be not only related to work - no one understands this, no one cares.
Yes, and in the office itself there is an opportunity to keep your things both legally and semi-legally. That is, to hide them so that they do not attract the attention of officers. In particular, including with the hiding and consumption of everything and everything “in the kanzukh”, the expression “stationery mice”, widely used by officers, is associated.
Stocks can be quite extensive and very diverse. Some can be legalized if honestly shared with officers. For example, having bought tea, coffee, sugar, cookies, and so on, you can almost arrange tea parties with officers. However, it depends on what kind of relationship with each individual person.
Seventh, the clerk has access to a much larger amount of inside information than any of the soldiers. This is both internal documentation, such as staff lists, various statements, and schedules, as well as external documentation, such as telegrams, combat training notes, newspapers, and so on.
Knowledge is really power, and in the army as well. Due to his awareness, the clerk is needed by everyone and useful to everyone, which allows him to benefit from this. For example, a good staff clerk knows exactly all the surnames, first names and patronymics of all the military personnel of the unit, their signatures, brands and numbers of cars of double basses and officers, duties of squads and anti-terror, documentation on combat duty (in part related to it and a little more), and even the content training and information sessions (which can only take place on paper). Thus, a good clerk is almost always aware of what is happening, knows the latest news, and knows what's what locally. In general, the clerk is one of the rare people in the army who become dumber in it almost the slowest of all, and precisely due to working with large amounts of information.
Eighth, the clerk has more access than any soldier to compiling a weekly anti-terror list, an individual combat duty schedule, and a monthly schedule for daily morning cleaners. Fills in all kinds of statements and puts marks for classes that took place both on paper and in reality, also a clerk. Wall printing is also produced most often by a stationery. He also repairs all sorts of thin electronics, such as laptops and computers, if he knows how and is not afraid to screw up. It's the same with flashing phones, as well as their illegal recharging for ordinary soldiers.
Ninth, the clerk writes a service description and a report on the dismissal of those demobilized. That is, in fact, most often it is he who decides what assessment of the year of service his colleagues will receive. Officers most often just skim through these documents and approve. And the clerk, of course, writes these documents to himself. Of course, in a very positive way. Most often, officers have nothing against this and subscribe to the lengthy positive characterization of their chancellor.
Tenth, the clerk fills in the staff list of the military unit and makes the soldier's documents. It depends on him how beautiful and correct everything will be, unmistakably written and done. Few people like to get problems associated with the fact that some rubbish was written about him in documents or because the clerk sucked in a defective document.
Eleventhly, the clerks are not allowed to walk with all the formations, singing songs, as is customary in the army, but to move in a free step clearly on their clerical affairs on the territory of the unit. It is desirable, of course, exclusively for clerical work and running, and that the officers do not see you loitering around where, but it depends on the circumstances.
However, as you might guess, there is a downside to all these benefits and features of serving as a clerk.
What are the negative consequences of the office? Firstly, solidarity with other conscript soldiers of their conscription is destroyed. If you are a clerk, you are no longer “one of your own” for many soldiers, but an “officer”, despite the fact that officers cause fear and hatred in most soldiers. Accordingly, the closer the clerk is to the officers, the farther he is from the soldiers, the more he experiences the manifestations of this fear and hatred.
How does the destruction of soldier solidarity manifest itself? The rest of the soldiers willingly believe that the clerk, if not knocking on the soldiers, then at least in one form or another informs the officers about what is happening in the soldier's environment, answers their specific questions about certain soldiers. Most often, any clerk does something like this without any intention, but he does his best to minimize it, not to talk about it and simply deny everything, because he knows that no one loves and respects informers.
For other soldiers, the clerk is most often a burden, since he does not work, does not clean, does not go to outfits like the rest. That is, the amount of work that he could perform is distributed among other working soldiers, from the lowest layer of which he, most likely, came out. That is, thanks to the "kantsukha" the soldier rises sharply in the hierarchy, which in turn may conflict with the place in the soldier's hierarchy that the chancellor occupied before. He is most often not cool enough, he does not know how to command and force himself to obey, to use physical force. This conflict of status can lead to great friction with colleagues and greatly spoil the chancellor of his cloudless life.
In general, other soldiers do not like that chancellers have more freedom than they do. An ordinary soldier cannot but go to all sorts of formations, cannot help but swing with everyone because of someone's jamb, he cannot do the devil in a separate room outside the company on legal grounds from morning to night, be able to legally use the phone with the Internet, and so on. This causes the most banal envy, which a good clerk tries in every possible way to neutralize, painting how hard and difficult it is for him. It's not always a lie.
Secondly, the clerk really often has a hard time due to the fact that he has an "irregular working day." If an ordinary soldier, after dinner, according to the schedule, has the right not to work anymore, then the clerk, if he is given the task of doing something, is obliged to go and carry it out, whether he wants it or not. Sometimes, in the case of some rush jobs that happen with depressing frequency, such as "redo all the documentation for combat training overnight for tomorrow's check", the clerk just goes nuts from such a life and begins to envy ordinary soldiers who live according to a schedule and go to bed on time and not around midnight or later.
The work acquires a particularly feverish rhythm when the meticulous chief of staff arrives after a series of “Acting chief of staff”, who for a long time kept the documentation somehow. During my tenure as a staff chancellor, I worked with four different "VrIO", and at the end of my service I had the opportunity to work with a very meticulous chief of staff, on whose initiative I had to redo almost everything in a row and very quickly.
It even got to the point that I had to leave lunch or some construction on his phone call to my mobile phone, which, generally speaking, is wild for an army where everyone walks in formation, and soldiers are forbidden to use phones on weekdays at all. However, there was such a specificity of clerical work, and, in general, no one really objected: everyone respected the chief of staff and were aware of his working methods. And at the same time, they almost felt sorry for me, like his last chancellor. Not always unreasonable.
Thirdly, the blunders and blunders of a clerk are more noticeable to an officer than the blunts and blunders of an ordinary soldier. Demand from the office is higher. He must understand and assimilate everything very quickly, correct mistakes and shortcomings very quickly, and ideally not allow them at all. Remember everything and always remind about what you forgot. In general, according to the officers, the ideal clerk is such a clerk who does everything that an officer should do with papers, without the participation of the officer himself. There are legends in our division that such offices existed in time immemorial - officers still remember them.
Fourthly, the clerk has less opportunity to shift responsibility from himself to someone else, as some ordinary soldier can do. The clerk has less measure of collective irresponsibility - he is personally responsible for many things, and only he, no one else. No one will do anything for him, simply because none of the other soldiers know how and what to do. For an ordinary soldier, what the clerk does with his papers is some kind of sacrament, and the clerk is a priest who performs some kind of abstruse rites. It is better not to delve into their meaning, so as not to go crazy and not run like crazy, just like the clerk runs. Ways to avoid this fate will be discussed below.
Fifthly, the chancellor does not have the official status of "clerk" or "clerk" - most often there is no such position in the staffing of the unit. And even if there is some kind of position at the headquarters of the “coder” type, it is most likely occupied by a contract soldier or some kind of thug soldier who has no real relation to the headquarters. That is, formally, a clerk is not a clerk, but some kind of "shooter", "driver", "operator", according to the staffing table.
The chancellor formally must perform the official duties determined by his military registration specialty (VUS), engage in combat and special training in accordance with this specialty, carry out combat duty as part of a reduced and full combat crew in accordance with the specialty, but in reality this is far from always the case. . And this reality is contrary to what the authorities should see when checking. So, in the event of the arrival of the inspector, the clerk receives the task of hiding and not shining.
Sixth, the same contradiction between formal status and informal activity leads to the fact that the clerk is less likely to participate in combat duty if, in accordance with his specialty, he must be constantly in the apparatus, and not anywhere else. That is, either he sits in the office, or he sits on the database in the apparatus. The combination of these two positions is problematic, but in principle it is possible, as practice shows. A more common system is that such a form of participation in the maintenance of the database is selected, in which the clerk, in principle, can be anywhere with the obligation to arrive at his workplace on time in the event of a declaration of combat readiness.
For example, there is the position of "driver-diesel operator" of the power-mechanical department of the division. As a "diesel electrician" or "RPU operator" while on duty shift of a reduced combat crew, such a soldier must be at his workplace in the cabin of a DPP or RPU without leaving. However, if he is a clerk, then at the same time he sits in his office, which increases the risk that some kind of trouble may occur. And this causes certain concerns among the officers on duty, who need to calmly, without trouble, watch their shift.
Therefore, the clerk is more often put in some kind of "Scout of the PVN (point of visual observation)", which does not contradict the duties of the clerk. Quite the contrary, because the box with the equipment and documentation of the scout is kept at the headquarters. Thus, the clerk turns out to be the best scout - he at least has access to equipment and documentation, has the opportunity and sometimes even the desire to get acquainted with them.
Seventh, as mentioned above, clerks are strongly disliked by those who are obliged to draw up outfits, assign them to work, cleaning and maintaining equipment. That is, foremen, heads of departments, platoon commanders, junior officers among the soldiers, as well as the working soldiers themselves.
The appointees are asked about the results of their work. But if few people can work, then they are heavily exploited. They, in turn, do not like it, they shirk from work. Consequently, they need more control, which strains the appointers - they don't like it already. In the end, the office workers are to blame, who do not work, like all working soldiers.
They treat the office as a burden, because the office worker is not an assistant to a working soldier, he most often does not know how to work with his hands, does not want to, and considers it below his dignity. And if for some reason the clerk was put on the same outfit with you, get ready for the fact that you will have to work for him, because he can just leave to write his papers. This cannot but cause irritation and dissatisfaction with the position of the clerk on the part of the rest of the soldiers.
Eighth, the aforementioned desire of the chancellor to hide and consume food shortages in his office alone or together with a narrow circle of other chancellers also causes indignation on the part of the soldiers. Ordinary soldiers are forced to share with everyone, since they have nowhere to store and quietly consume food, except in the supply room, where you can lose up to 50% or more at once, "paying a fee" to the supply manager and other queens. A particularly difficult situation arises where each battery or section has its own room, such as a warehouse with a lock, into which the queens of this battery or section tend to steal everything.
For comparison, with a skillful course of action, the clerk can save for himself and other clerks up to 70-80% of the food parcel or import from a citizen from relatives and friends. Moreover, each such shipment is somewhat reminiscent of a secret special operation in which the main task is not to meet anyone with packages from the checkpoint (here you also have to share) to the office. Some part, of course, should be given "to the people", whose representatives, at best, can save up to 30% or less, depending on the circumstances.
The fact that someone shares as much as he sees fit, and someone shares everything because he has no way not to share, irritates most soldiers. And since the desire to eat civilian, and not statutory food, is the wildest among soldiers in the army, each distribution after the import strongly resembles a raid of seagulls on a bunch of fish. The spectacle is not too pleasant and extremely costly for the one to whom this food belongs.
Ninth, almost any clerk has a conflict of tasks. Its essence is that there is only one clerk, but there are many officers who need something from him, and at the same time immediately, right now. It is important for officers to get something from the office, and they do not care at all what he is doing at the moment. It often happens that a whole bunch of officers are stuffed into the office, everyone demands that their task be performed in the first place. At the same time, they demand it from the clerk, and do not figure out the order of priority among themselves, since the soldier is a forced being, and in his officer environment, sorting out relations can be expensive, especially on such a petty occasion.
As a result, all sorts of unpleasant situations and disgruntled officers are obtained, who, on occasion, may recall that they were “bypassed”. And not some other officer, but a clerk. In addition, in this situation, a splash can fly to him both from the side of his immediate supervisor (his tasks must be completed in the first place), and from the side of someone who is not the immediate supervisor, but has weight and can harm. It all wildly spoils the nerves and is even insulting: you try to do everything in time and complete all the tasks in a row, and even somehow manage to do it, and you are scolded for violating the subordination and order of tasks.
Tenth, there are no irreplaceable people. If the clerk fell ill and had to leave a warm place for some time, then, returning back, he may already cease to be a clerk if a better replacement was found for him. That is, a situation of competition in the clerical environment is possible, with all the ensuing consequences in the form of intrigue, intrigue, and other career delights. These games are influenced by the number of potential participants, that is, applicants for the position of the clerk and the clerks themselves, as well as how this particular place is smeared with honey - that is, it is relaxed and convenient.
In our division, this phenomenon was practically absent, since there were too few people, and there were barely enough people just to replace the out-of-service clerks. Also influenced by the fact that the clerical life in the division, especially at first, is not quite sugar.
On this, I think, we can finish with a description of the advantages and disadvantages of the office. They are described in general terms. Further, in conclusion, I consider it necessary to answer the question “How to become or how not to become a clerk?”. This question is not idle, since it is often solved without the participation of the potential chancellor himself, it is decided for him, while he is inexperienced and naive. Since I undertook to write about the army “as it is and as it was with me”, in order to clarify some of the subtleties of modern army life, the answer to this question should also be given.
So, how to become or how not to become a clerk? Let's start with how to become one, because, as you can see from a comparison of the list of advantages and disadvantages, this position is special, privileged, compared to other soldiers. And that means, most often, desired.
First things first, desired by whom? Here it is worth briefly describing a person who aspires to become a clerk, his typical portrait, which is unlikely to fully describe any particular person.
Most often, this is a person with a higher or incomplete higher education, aged 20 years, from the city. Before the army only studied. He got into the army either after leaving the university, or during an academic leave, or after graduating from the university. He has a poorly developed physical form, vision problems, wears glasses. Familiar with computers and other electronics, foreign languages, Internet culture, loves to read. There are no girls in civilian life. Good handwriting. Knows how to draw. Poorly socialized, patient, disciplined and withdrawn, unable to fight and stay in a rigid hierarchy of a closed male team, responsible.
Who exactly is recruiting new office workers?
They are recruited by the acting chancellors as their replacements after demobilization. How is it usually done? Through an agreement with the current chancellor, who will have to introduce the candidate to the officer as his “apprentice” or “trainee”. Officers require that the quality of work with papers does not decrease, so they support this practice of succession of chancellors and allow the recruitment of "apprentices" so that the newcomer gradually gets in the know, is less stupid and mows down when the time comes to fully take over all the duties of the chancellor.
Often the officers themselves encourage their departing chancellors to look for a replacement, they say “otherwise we won’t be demobilized until you find a replacement, it’s not for me to write these papers myself” and similar horror stories. It happens that they themselves find (through "merchants" at the recruiting office or in other divisions of the military unit) suitable candidates, although more often they shift this headache onto the chancellors themselves, forcing them to choose from what they have.
It happens that there is simply no one to replace, so that the kantsukha falls like snow on the head of an unprepared and not at all eager to prepare a soldier. Most often, this situation is created at the headquarters office, because although this place is the most profitable, it is also the most difficult, especially with a meticulous chief of staff. It happens that the very personality of the chief of staff scares off all potential comers, and this fear outweighs everything else. So that unfortunate person who was taken to the headquarters in this situation "because there is no one else" can only be pitied.
On this note, it's time to move on to tips on how not to become a clerk after all.
First, one must not show any interest in the office, its affairs, papers, stationery, and so on.
Secondly, never answer the question about handwriting in a positive way to anyone. Even soldiers, because when asked by an officer to a team, soldiers will point to someone who is known to them in this capacity. If possible, write clumsily, with blots and errors, if someone can see it.
Thirdly, never tell anyone that you can draw or understand computers and similar technology, as well as their software.
Fourthly, to show team skills, if there is a desire to become a queen from the junior command staff and not get out of the supply room: walk in an outfit as a company on duty (there are always not enough company on duty), fight for a high place in the hierarchy, get close to the team and follow his concepts, to avoid officers.
Fifth, to show an increased interest in servicing automotive and other military equipment, if there is a desire to become a technician and not get out of the fleet or apparatus: tell everyone and everyone about the presence of a driver's license, the ability to work with electrical wiring and mechanics, show this and similar skills .
Sixthly, to work diligently and efficiently and engage in physical labor, if there is a desire to become a valuable craftsman and not get out of work: demonstrate the desire and ability to do, repair things, show carpentry, plumbing, construction and other similar skills useful in army life and skills.
Seventh, not to be in a “balanced state”, without showing any effort, attention, or desire for anything specific. Such “weighted” personnel are thrown into the most unpleasant, uninteresting and hard work, neither queens, nor techies, nor craftsmen, nor clerks, nor officers - no one spares them. It's a dumb work force, units that should be managed and benefited from - such is the attitude towards them in the army.
So that a smart person does not fall into the number of such thoughtless units, this article was written. I hope it will be of some help to my reader in this.
It's time to start a long and detailed story about the chancellery, the soldiers' "white bone", "the intellectual aristocracy among the soldiers," so to speak. It’s worth starting with general considerations: with a story about who they are in general in today’s army, why they are needed, what they do. And then ask yourself what they get for it good, and what - bad. In conclusion, talk about how to become or not to become a clerk.
Who are the office workers?
Chancellors, they are clerks (there used to be such a name), “clerks”, “shribiki”, in the army they are conscripts who work with papers instead of officers. Any officer who has subordinate personnel has a lot of paper work. And time, and the desire to spend it on paperwork, which essentially no one needs, is not enough. This is how the urgent need for stationery appears.
Chancellery may be required for foremen, heads of departments, battery commanders, political officer (personnel officer), chief of staff, as well as the actual commander of a unit or unit. Further, we will talk mainly from the point of view of the staff and battery chancellor, since I served a total of 9 months as a staff chancellor, watched the activities of the battery chancellers for a long time, acted as the chancellor of the political officer and the chancellor of the foreman.
By the nature of his activity, the clerk is a cross between a modern secretary and a medieval page (a personal protégé in a military environment). Like a modern secretary, the clerk digs through papers, works with computers, electronics and office equipment, and wastes time with this very computer. As a page, he is a protege of a certain officer, carries out his instructions, up to performing the functions of servants at the table or an errand boy, and accordingly uses the opportunities provided by this position, which will be discussed below.
There is a certain interdependence between an officer and his chancellor. An officer needs a soldier, preferably an adequate and obedient one, in order to accurately and timely do the officer's paperwork for him, which he should submit in case of verification. A soldier needs a place where he will have maximum freedom of action, freedom to manage his own time, as well as certain intangible and material benefits.
If we talk about the soldier (and I will always focus on the soldier), then the first freedom, freedom of action, is that the officer cannot break and keep track of the personnel subordinate to him and this individual clerk at the same time throughout the entire time of service. That is, the clerk is often left without the attention of an officer, which allows the soldier to do very different things in the absence of a superior eye. And since the informal workplace of a clerk is the formal workplace of an officer, it is often richly equipped for more interesting pastime than what soldiers usually do: cleaning, landscaping, exercise, hard physical labor, outfits and combat duty. There may even be a computer - and this opens up gigantic prospects for the quick and painless killing of service time, which is what all conscript soldiers, without exception, strive for.
Paradoxically, with these opportunities, the clerk, if he is careful not to get fired (caught) with his private activities, can be perceived by officers as a soldier who is always under supervision, because he is constantly in front of the officer’s eyes and therefore most often the clerk is out of sight. suspicion of idleness. Although idleness, moreover, as "legal" as possible, if I may say so, flourishes in a riotous color precisely among the office workers and precisely thanks to the described freedom of action. Knowing this, some very astute (therefore small) officers constantly call all chancellers by default "loafers."
The second freedom, the freedom to dispose of one's own time, lies in the fact that chancellers, like none of the soldiers, fall out of the daily routine of a military unit. It may be that they may not appear at all at any events, both following the daily routine of the military unit, and not following it. That is, on sudden formations to recalculate the availability of personnel, on unplanned mass physical exercises due to someone's personal jamb, in barracks games, and so on. Chancellors are most likely to sit in the office, provided that they are extremely busy with a very important business, and the officer who patronizes them has a very high position. Or if they successfully pretend that they are extremely busy with a very important matter.
In our division, a completely “legal” unofficial practice was widespread, according to which the clerk could go on a weekday from the morning divorce (9:00) to the office and sit there until one in the morning with breaks for meals. And at the same time, sleep until 7 o'clock the next morning (with a general rise at 6:00), skipping morning physical exercises and cleaning. However, this was possible only with personal patronage and agreement with the officer on duty in the division, and circumstances conducive to this happened infrequently.
At the same time, of course, the clerk, in fact, could not sit around the clock in the office, but be in some other places, but definitely not where all the other soldiers are, doing not the same as the rest, not at the same time, when the rest. This is the essence of freedom of the second kind.
In the light of understanding this freedom, it also becomes clear that the desire of office workers to “work” on weekends in the office, when, according to the idea (according to the charter), all work should be stopped. On Sunday, the clerks in the office (if they manage to come up with a convincing reason to get there) revel and completely dissolve in the absence of other officers, except for those on duty, who are most often either in the barracks or in the officers' dormitory. The rest of the soldiers on Sunday follow the daily routine, according to which, from morning until lunch, sports events (at best, voluntary-compulsory football or volleyball, at worst, a 5 km cross with equipment) and the rest of the time until lights out sit in the barracks in leisure room. Do I need to explain what bliss the chancellor experiences when he goes to the office on the weekend?
In talking about the non-material and material benefits received by the chancellor, it is worth noting that they are directly dependent on how high the place in the hierarchical ladder is occupied by the patron of the chancellor among officers. Here we are talking about both formal authority, the source of which is the position and rank, and informal, which depends on the characteristics of the individual. For example, a clerk under the chief of staff receives more benefits, has different duties and opportunities than a clerk under a battery commander. In the first case, the position is major, in the second - captain. However, there are other captains or even senior lieutenants who are more respected among officers than majors, and so on. This, of course, is the exception rather than the rule.
What are these clerical benefits?
Firstly, higher prestige among the personnel of the unit - both among officers and contractors (“double basses”), and among conscripts. Soldiers, double basses, and even some officers, most often will not want to find fault or quarrel with a clerk who is patronized by an important officer who, in turn, can harm them. Moreover, this is due to the fact that there is a possibility that the clerk will complain to the patron (which is considered squealing if the complaint is about other conscript soldiers - this does not apply to double basses and officers). So is the fact that, having discovered the absence of a familiar soldier with a bunch of papers at his workplace, the officer quickly takes him from where he took the soldier of a smaller rank (for example, from work, from cleaning, sometimes even from the outfit), and returns the clerk to the "placed" place.
In our division, it often happened that there were practically no free working people left for work, cleaning and outfits (there were “queens” walking on duty in the company). And it is necessary to supply people with work, cleaning, and even more so with outfits. Even in such conditions, they tried not to involve clerks in other work than paperwork, or, at least, not to tear them away from their place of permanent residence: for example, they were assigned to induce PCBs in the clerk’s office or put on patrol duty so that they could write on a free shift. Or sent to the checkpoint with permission to write.
Thus, even a typical punishment in the form of a duty order (for an old-timer or with a soldier’s status above average, this is already perceived as a punishment) to the chancellor turns out to be of little use, simply because he is needed not anyhow where and anyhow to whom, but precisely here and precisely this officer . However, if the office is located in a company (barracks), then the office will almost always be put on duty (even if he most likely will not perform the duties of an orderly in practice, but will write).
Secondly, the clerk is informally allowed to have an advanced phone with a camera and the Internet. More precisely, if the clerk has it, then they are almost obliged to always use it in order to always be in touch with the officer and fulfill his instructions like “Find information on the Internet about this”, “Quickly bring this”, “Take a picture of this ". Clearly, not in the presence of outside inspectors. Ordinary soldiers also have legal "slippers" (most often kept in the officer's safe), with the help of which all soldiers are only allowed to make calls, and only on weekends. Illegal phones are confiscated upon detection, sometimes even with their subsequent destruction, especially if the phone has a camera and Internet. My phone has never been seized in my entire service.
Thirdly, officers more often speak to the chancellor as if they were a person, and not as if they were a soldier (this is a big difference). Human communication, and not according to the charter, with smart adults is something that is sorely lacking in the army.
Fourthly, it is easier for a chancellor to get a higher military rank, and, accordingly, he receives it more often. Why? The chancellor is constantly in front of the authorities. Thus, it is easier for him to show himself from the best (or from the worst) side - this is more often noticed. It is easier for the chancellor to ask for the assignment of the next military rank from his officer due to the fact that he is more familiar with him and is not personally afraid of him (or is much less afraid than other soldiers). The chancellor carries out the officer's orders informally and personally to the officer, that is, it seems to be providing some kind of service for which you can get some kind of reward. The usual good service in the role of an ordinary soldier with formal submission to this is more difficult to achieve.
Fifthly, it is easier for the clerk to get out of the military unit for completely legal reasons. That is, it is easier to get a bump. Often under the pretext of buying "kantsukha", that is, stationery for the office, at their own expense. Paper, pens, pencils, erasers, scissors, rulers, putties, cartridges - all this is practically not financed formally, from the budget. I saw the delivery of kantsukha "from above" only once before the new year, and the volume of delivery was somewhere around 1/10 of what was needed. So, almost always, officers pay for everything they need together or personally at their own expense (as well as many other things). Of course, the officers do not like this, so that independent and voluntary financial support for their work on the part of the chancellors is encouraged and stimulated in every possible way.
Sixth, the clerk is informally allowed to have more things than the average soldier. For example, in his bedside table there may be unfinished schedules, abstracts, statements, magazines, books, notebooks, various stationery, and so on. It is clear that all this can be not only related to work - no one understands this, no one cares.
Yes, and in the office itself there is an opportunity to keep your things both legally and semi-legally. That is, to hide them so that they do not attract the attention of officers. In particular, including with the hiding and consumption of everything and everything “in the kanzukh”, the expression “stationery mice”, widely used by officers, is associated.
Stocks can be quite extensive and very diverse. Some can be legalized if honestly shared with officers. For example, having bought tea, coffee, sugar, cookies, and so on, you can almost arrange tea parties with officers. However, it depends on what kind of relationship with each individual person.
Seventh, the clerk has access to a much larger amount of inside information than any of the soldiers. This is both internal documentation, such as staff lists, various statements, and schedules, as well as external documentation, such as telegrams, combat training notes, newspapers, and so on.
Knowledge is really power, and in the army as well. Due to his awareness, the clerk is needed by everyone and useful to everyone, which allows him to benefit from this. For example, a good staff clerk knows exactly all the surnames, first names and patronymics of all the military personnel of the unit, their signatures, brands and numbers of cars of double basses and officers, duties of squads and anti-terror, documentation on combat duty (in part related to it and a little more), and even the content training and information sessions (which can only take place on paper). Thus, a good clerk is almost always aware of what is happening, knows the latest news, and knows what's what locally. In general, the clerk is one of the rare people in the army who become dumber in it almost the slowest of all, and precisely due to working with large amounts of information.
Eighth, the clerk has more access than any soldier to compiling a weekly anti-terror list, an individual combat duty schedule, and a monthly schedule for daily morning cleaners. Fills in all kinds of statements and puts marks for classes that took place both on paper and in reality, also a clerk. Wall printing is also produced most often by a stationery. He also repairs all sorts of thin electronics, such as laptops and computers, if he knows how and is not afraid to screw up. It's the same with flashing phones, as well as their illegal recharging for ordinary soldiers.
Ninth, the clerk writes a service description and a report on the dismissal of those demobilized. That is, in fact, most often it is he who decides what assessment of the year of service his colleagues will receive. Officers most often just skim through these documents and approve. And the clerk, of course, writes these documents to himself. Of course, in a very positive way. Most often, officers have nothing against this and subscribe to the lengthy positive characterization of their chancellor.
Tenth, the clerk fills in the staff list of the military unit and makes the soldier's documents. It depends on him how beautiful and correct everything will be, unmistakably written and done. Few people like to get problems associated with the fact that some rubbish was written about him in documents or because the clerk sucked in a defective document.
Eleventhly, the clerks are not allowed to walk with all the formations, singing songs, as is customary in the army, but to move in a free step clearly on their clerical affairs on the territory of the unit. It is desirable, of course, exclusively for clerical work and running, and that the officers do not see you loitering around where, but it depends on the circumstances.
However, as you might guess, there is a downside to all these benefits and features of serving as a clerk.
What are the negative consequences of the office?
Firstly, solidarity with other conscript soldiers of their conscription is destroyed. If you are a clerk, you are no longer “one of your own” for many soldiers, but an “officer”, despite the fact that officers cause fear and hatred in most soldiers. Accordingly, the closer the clerk is to the officers, the farther he is from the soldiers, the more he experiences the manifestations of this fear and hatred.
How does the destruction of soldier solidarity manifest itself? The rest of the soldiers willingly believe that the clerk, if not knocking on the soldiers, then at least in one form or another informs the officers about what is happening in the soldier's environment, answers their specific questions about certain soldiers. Most often, any clerk does something like this without any intention, but he does his best to minimize it, not to talk about it and simply deny everything, because he knows that no one loves and respects informers.
For other soldiers, the clerk is most often a burden, since he does not work, does not clean, does not go to outfits like the rest. That is, the amount of work that he could perform is distributed among other working soldiers, from the lowest layer of which he, most likely, came out. That is, thanks to the "kantsukha" the soldier rises sharply in the hierarchy, which in turn may conflict with the place in the soldier's hierarchy that the chancellor occupied before. He is most often not cool enough, he does not know how to command and force himself to obey, to use physical force. This conflict of status can lead to great friction with colleagues and greatly spoil the chancellor of his cloudless life.
In general, other soldiers do not like that chancellers have more freedom than they do. An ordinary soldier cannot but go to all sorts of formations, cannot help but swing with everyone because of someone's jamb, he cannot do the devil in a separate room outside the company on legal grounds from morning to night, be able to legally use the phone with the Internet, and so on. This causes the most banal envy, which a good clerk tries in every possible way to neutralize, painting how hard and difficult it is for him. It's not always a lie.
Secondly, the clerk really often has a hard time due to the fact that he has an "irregular working day." If an ordinary soldier, after dinner, according to the schedule, has the right not to work anymore, then the clerk, if he is given the task of doing something, is obliged to go and carry it out, whether he wants it or not. Sometimes, in the case of some rush jobs that happen with depressing frequency, such as "redo all the documentation for combat training overnight for tomorrow's check", the clerk just goes nuts from such a life and begins to envy ordinary soldiers who live according to a schedule and go to bed on time and not around midnight or later.
The work acquires a particularly feverish rhythm when the meticulous chief of staff arrives after a series of “Acting chief of staff”, who for a long time kept the documentation somehow. During my tenure as a staff chancellor, I worked with four different "VrIO", and at the end of my service I had the opportunity to work with a very meticulous chief of staff, on whose initiative I had to redo almost everything in a row and very quickly.
It even got to the point that I had to leave lunch or some construction on his phone call to my mobile phone, which, generally speaking, is wild for an army where everyone walks in formation, and soldiers are forbidden to use phones on weekdays at all. However, there was such a specificity of clerical work, and, in general, no one really objected: everyone respected the chief of staff and were aware of his working methods. And at the same time, they almost felt sorry for me, like his last chancellor. Not always unreasonable.
Thirdly, the blunders and blunders of a clerk are more noticeable to an officer than the blunts and blunders of an ordinary soldier. Demand from the office is higher. He must understand and assimilate everything very quickly, correct mistakes and shortcomings very quickly, and ideally not allow them at all. Remember everything and always remind about what you forgot. In general, according to the officers, the ideal clerk is such a clerk who does everything that an officer should do with papers, without the participation of the officer himself. There are legends in our division that such offices existed in time immemorial - officers still remember them.
Fourthly, the clerk has less opportunity to shift responsibility from himself to someone else, as some ordinary soldier can do. The clerk has less measure of collective irresponsibility - he is personally responsible for many things, and only he, no one else. No one will do anything for him, simply because none of the other soldiers know how and what to do. For an ordinary soldier, what the clerk does with his papers is some kind of sacrament, and the clerk is a priest who performs some kind of abstruse rites. It is better not to delve into their meaning, so as not to go crazy and not run like crazy, just like the clerk runs. Ways to avoid this fate will be discussed below.
Fifthly, the chancellor does not have the official status of "clerk" or "clerk" - most often there is no such position in the staffing of the unit. And even if there is some kind of position at the headquarters of the “coder” type, it is most likely occupied by a contract soldier or some kind of thug soldier who has no real relation to the headquarters. That is, formally, a clerk is not a clerk, but some kind of "shooter", "driver", "operator", according to the staffing table.
The chancellor formally must perform the official duties determined by his military registration specialty (VUS), engage in combat and special training in accordance with this specialty, carry out combat duty as part of a reduced and full combat crew in accordance with the specialty, but in reality this is far from always the case. . And this reality is contrary to what the authorities should see when checking. So, in the event of the arrival of the inspector, the clerk receives the task of hiding and not shining.
Sixth, the same contradiction between formal status and informal activity leads to the fact that the clerk is less likely to participate in combat duty if, in accordance with his specialty, he must be constantly in the apparatus, and not anywhere else. That is, either he sits in the office, or he sits on the database in the apparatus. The combination of these two positions is problematic, but in principle it is possible, as practice shows. A more common system is that such a form of participation in the maintenance of the database is selected, in which the clerk, in principle, can be anywhere with the obligation to arrive at his workplace on time in the event of a declaration of combat readiness.
For example, there is the position of "driver-diesel operator" of the power-mechanical department of the division. As a "diesel electrician" or "RPU operator" while on duty shift of a reduced combat crew, such a soldier must be at his workplace in the cabin of a DPP or RPU without leaving. However, if he is a clerk, then at the same time he sits in his office, which increases the risk that some kind of trouble may occur. And this causes certain concerns among the officers on duty, who need to calmly, without trouble, watch their shift.
Therefore, the clerk is more often put in some kind of "Scout of the PVN (point of visual observation)", which does not contradict the duties of the clerk. Quite the contrary, because the box with the equipment and documentation of the scout is kept at the headquarters. Thus, the clerk turns out to be the best scout - he at least has access to equipment and documentation, has the opportunity and sometimes even the desire to get acquainted with them.
Seventh, as mentioned above, clerks are strongly disliked by those who are obliged to draw up outfits, assign them to work, cleaning and maintaining equipment. That is, foremen, heads of departments, platoon commanders, junior officers among the soldiers, as well as the working soldiers themselves.
The appointees are asked about the results of their work. But if few people can work, then they are heavily exploited. They, in turn, do not like it, they shirk from work. Consequently, they need more control, which strains the appointers - they don't like it already. In the end, the office workers are to blame, who do not work, like all working soldiers.
They treat the office as a burden, because the office worker is not an assistant to a working soldier, he most often does not know how to work with his hands, does not want to, and considers it below his dignity. And if for some reason the clerk was put on the same outfit with you, get ready for the fact that you will have to work for him, because he can just leave to write his papers. This cannot but cause irritation and dissatisfaction with the position of the clerk on the part of the rest of the soldiers.
Eighth, the aforementioned desire of the chancellor to hide and consume food shortages in his office alone or together with a narrow circle of other chancellers also causes indignation on the part of the soldiers. Ordinary soldiers are forced to share with everyone, since they have nowhere to store and quietly consume food, except in the supply room, where you can lose up to 50% or more at once, "paying a fee" to the supply manager and other queens. A particularly difficult situation arises where each battery or section has its own room, such as a warehouse with a lock, into which the queens of this battery or section tend to steal everything.
For comparison, with a skillful course of action, the clerk can save for himself and other clerks up to 70-80% of the food parcel or import from a citizen from relatives and friends. Moreover, each such shipment is somewhat reminiscent of a secret special operation in which the main task is not to meet anyone with packages from the checkpoint (here you also have to share) to the office. Some part, of course, should be given "to the people", whose representatives, at best, can save up to 30% or less, depending on the circumstances.
The fact that someone shares as much as he sees fit, and someone shares everything because he has no way not to share, irritates most soldiers. And since the desire to eat civilian, and not statutory food, is the wildest among soldiers in the army, each distribution after the import strongly resembles a raid of seagulls on a bunch of fish. The spectacle is not too pleasant and extremely costly for the one to whom this food belongs.
Ninth, almost any clerk has a conflict of tasks. Its essence is that there is only one clerk, but there are many officers who need something from him, and at the same time immediately, right now. It is important for officers to get something from the office, and they do not care at all what he is doing at the moment. It often happens that a whole bunch of officers are stuffed into the office, everyone demands that their task be performed in the first place. At the same time, they demand it from the clerk, and do not figure out the order of priority among themselves, since the soldier is a forced being, and in his officer environment, sorting out relations can be expensive, especially on such a petty occasion.
As a result, all sorts of unpleasant situations and disgruntled officers are obtained, who, on occasion, may recall that they were “bypassed”. And not some other officer, but a clerk. In addition, in this situation, a splash can fly to him both from the side of his immediate supervisor (his tasks must be completed in the first place), and from the side of someone who is not the immediate supervisor, but has weight and can harm. It all wildly spoils the nerves and is even insulting: you try to do everything in time and complete all the tasks in a row, and even somehow manage to do it, and you are scolded for violating the subordination and order of tasks.
Tenth, there are no irreplaceable people. If the clerk fell ill and had to leave a warm place for some time, then, returning back, he may already cease to be a clerk if a better replacement was found for him. That is, a situation of competition in the clerical environment is possible, with all the ensuing consequences in the form of intrigue, intrigue, and other career delights. These games are influenced by the number of potential participants, that is, applicants for the position of the clerk and the clerks themselves, as well as how this particular place is smeared with honey - that is, it is relaxed and convenient.
In our division, this phenomenon was practically absent, since there were too few people, and there were barely enough people just to replace the out-of-service clerks. Also influenced by the fact that the clerical life in the division, especially at first, is not quite sugar.
On this, I think, we can finish with a description of the advantages and disadvantages of the office. They are described in general terms. Further, in conclusion, I consider it necessary to answer the question “How to become or how not to become a clerk?”. This question is not idle, since it is often solved without the participation of the potential chancellor himself, it is decided for him, while he is inexperienced and naive. Since I undertook to write about the army “as it is and as it was with me”, in order to clarify some of the subtleties of modern army life, the answer to this question should also be given.
So, how to become or how not to become a clerk?
Let's start with how to become one, because, as you can see from a comparison of the list of advantages and disadvantages, this position is special, privileged, compared to other soldiers. And that means, most often, desired.
First things first, desired by whom? Here it is worth briefly describing a person who aspires to become a clerk, his typical portrait, which is unlikely to fully describe any particular person.
Most often, this is a person with a higher or incomplete higher education, aged 20 years, from the city. Before the army only studied. He got into the army either after leaving the university, or during an academic leave, or after graduating from the university. He has a poorly developed physical form, vision problems, wears glasses. Familiar with computers and other electronics, foreign languages, Internet culture, loves to read. There are no girls in civilian life. Good handwriting. Knows how to draw. Poorly socialized, patient, disciplined and withdrawn, unable to fight and stay in a rigid hierarchy of a closed male team, responsible.
Who exactly is recruiting new office workers?
They are recruited by the acting chancellors as their replacements after demobilization. How is it usually done? Through an agreement with the current chancellor, who will have to introduce the candidate to the officer as his “apprentice” or “trainee”. Officers require that the quality of work with papers does not decrease, so they support this practice of succession of chancellors and allow the recruitment of "apprentices" so that the newcomer gradually gets in the know, is less stupid and mows down when the time comes to fully take over all the duties of the chancellor.
Often the officers themselves encourage their departing chancellors to look for a replacement, they say “otherwise we won’t be demobilized until you find a replacement, it’s not for me to write these papers myself” and similar horror stories. It happens that they themselves find (through "merchants" at the recruiting office or in other divisions of the military unit) suitable candidates, although more often they shift this headache onto the chancellors themselves, forcing them to choose from what they have.
It happens that there is simply no one to replace, so that the kantsukha falls like snow on the head of an unprepared and not at all eager to prepare a soldier. Most often, this situation is created at the headquarters office, because although this place is the most profitable, it is also the most difficult, especially with a meticulous chief of staff. It happens that the very personality of the chief of staff scares off all potential comers, and this fear outweighs everything else. So that unfortunate person who was taken to the headquarters in this situation "because there is no one else" can only be pitied.
On this note, it's time to move on to tips on how not to become a clerk after all.
First, one must not show any interest in the office, its affairs, papers, stationery, and so on.
Secondly, never answer the question about handwriting in a positive way to anyone. Even soldiers, because when asked by an officer to a team, soldiers will point to someone who is known to them in this capacity. If possible, write clumsily, with blots and errors, if someone can see it.
Thirdly, never tell anyone that you can draw or understand computers and similar technology, as well as their software.
Fourthly, to show team skills, if there is a desire to become a queen from the junior command staff and not get out of the supply room: walk in an outfit as a company on duty (there are always not enough company on duty), fight for a high place in the hierarchy, get close to the team and follow his concepts, to avoid officers.
Fifth, to show an increased interest in servicing automotive and other military equipment, if there is a desire to become a technician and not get out of the fleet or apparatus: tell everyone and everyone about the presence of a driver's license, the ability to work with electrical wiring and mechanics, show this and similar skills .
Sixthly, to work diligently and efficiently and engage in physical labor, if there is a desire to become a valuable craftsman and not get out of work: demonstrate the desire and ability to do, repair things, show carpentry, plumbing, construction and other similar skills useful in army life and skills.
Seventh, not to be in a “balanced state”, without showing any effort, attention, or desire for anything specific. Such “weighted” personnel are thrown into the most unpleasant, uninteresting and hard work, neither queens, nor techies, nor craftsmen, nor clerks, nor officers - no one spares them. It's a dumb work force, units that should be managed and benefited from - such is the attitude towards them in the army.
So that a smart person does not fall into the number of such thoughtless units, this article was written. I hope it will be of some help to my reader in this.
A complete cycle of my articles about the army in chronological order.
“Just understand that everything that was there, behind the fence, it doesn’t matter.
You are nobody here now and who you become is your business."
Junior Sergeant A.
"Do it right, you'll be fine."
Private H.
"Who's where, and I'm going to sleep. Sit on the chip, fell flying."
Private Ch.
1. Basis and superstructure.
Having stepped over or passed the checkpoint gate, you find yourself in a different environment, all your skills, diplomas, self-image - all this now does not make sense. You are a blank slate, and the sooner you realize this, the easier it will be for you.
The basis of the army is a hierarchy. A combat officer will never be equal to a “parquet” one, a contract sergeant to a conscript sergeant, and a conscript who has served more than half of his term to a recruit. This is a fact of existence. Of course, the reforms in the army have transformed the hierarchy into something much more sensible - where, first of all, experience, knowledge, skills and personal qualities should be taken into account. This cleaned up the system, removed sharp corners, made reliance on the Charter, although sound "concepts" remained and mutated. Transformations have not taken place everywhere, but they are visible even where units have been "hazing", "black", "grandfather" for decades.
But this in no way cancels the hierarchy and the principle of a clean slate. How you show yourself - so it will be. Regardless of the conditions.
The add-on is exactly what and how you will show in the first weeks. 2-3 weeks is enough time to understand that the guy "with two higher educations" really a slob, a bum and an idiot, what a type "who worked in the police in such conditions that you never dreamed of" an ordinary crybaby and a liar, that a boy who has a father "colonel of the Ministry of Emergency Situations and I myself am a sambo discharger", in fact, it simply does not represent anything, it is nothing. You just wonder how in the army you FAST understand who is who and what to do with it.
Let's first understand who is who.
2. Bestiary
2.1. Officers and lieutenants.
« higher beings."
"Combat Officer"- an officer with real combat experience, experience of command in critical conditions and great authority in a unit or even an entire unit. In terms of authority, he stands immediately after the commander of the unit and his deputies (sometimes even higher than all the deputies combined). An example for soldiers, sergeants and other officers. He always takes care of himself, speaks little, does not shy away from soldiers and willingly communicates with them. We hate "clowns" and "parquet floors". He knows the theory and practice of the basic subjects of combat training, does not hesitate to show the doubters how wrong they are. As a rule, he is bad at staff and clerical work, but like no other he knows how to set tasks and achieve their fulfillment without physical assault and a three-story mat (better than half of the civilian "managers"). Subcategory - "pseudo officer": this person randomly received awards and a title, as a result of which he constantly experiences mental anguish (aka "popobol"), which is why, in any situation, he tries to show how "cool and experienced" he is. The main jester of the unit, over which they can afford to laugh out loud from afar, even on the parade ground.
"Officer", "Commander", "Master"- an officer who knows the basic subjects of combat training well and has authority in the unit and some even in the unit. Knows how to command, practically does not lie, listens and hears people. He considers sergeants his support. He is interested in the service, a good storyteller and, existing in almost any position, remains an adequate, sane person. He knows how to set tasks well and not bad, it varies from the degree of trust in the person being puzzled and personal qualities. To have such an officer as a unit commander is a great success.
"Prapor", "Huckster", "Trader", "Piece"- the stereotypical image of ensign Shmatko is related to reality. "Huckster" can get everything that is subject to him. For money. We'll have to fork out not only for "extra norms", but also for what is required by the norms of allowances. Especially if the part is bad with material support. It is not against taking personal advantage from the trade in state property and personnel. A "huckster" can be a sergeant and an officer appointed to the appropriate positions and with a specific "compromise" psychology. The attitude of the team towards the “huckster” is also a compromise: a shitty person, but a necessary one.
"Sergeant", "Uncle"- "Clothing bag" of the unit, knows what, where and how much lies. He willingly answers all questions within his competence, tries with all his might to reject attempts to impose additional duties and tasks on him, since "he succeeds." Seniors in rank are generally not loved because of their authority among soldiers and sergeants. He is afraid, like the devil of incense, of some tasks or phenomena that violate the usual daily routine and can bring trouble for something that he knows little about.
"Parquet", "Parquet officer", "Servant"- an officer specializing in staff work. Familiar with computers, clerical and organizational work. The main goal is to please the authorities. He looks at military personnel who have little or no authority as shit and treats them the same way. Qualitatively differs from the "Master" and "Fighting" when working at headquarters in that he is hyperpathetic, pseudo-isanthropic, has a minimum of authority and knows practically nothing, except for his narrow specialization. Disliked by almost everyone, which is why the degree of “gaze-gazing” at others at the “parquet floor” is growing well. Despite the fact that he can organize the labor process, he does not know how to work with personnel and does not have authority with him. Depending on the position, it can bring a bunch of problems to all military personnel of the unit, therefore, an ostentatious greeting and smiles at a meeting are perceived as obligatory and due.
"Elite", "Guest performer", "Check"- an uber unit sent to the unit for verification. The awareness of the importance of his mission is actively shared with others through a cloud of hyperpathos. By his actions, he causes 100,500 difficulties to all military personnel. He considers his mission to find or invent problems for everyone and everyone in the unit. Subcategory "retinue"- junior and senior officers under the general. If the general himself does not show the task of finding dirty tricks, then the “retinue” carefully notices everything that, in her opinion, can be interpreted as a miscalculation, mistake, flaw, and in the evening reports to the general about the revealed horrors. The officers of the unit are trying to turn the visit of the "check" into any event - hunting, fishing, bathhouse, just not to endure the humiliating and miserable moralizing about "dirty soldier's boots" and other completely idiotic reasons for "low combat readiness".
"Jackal", "SHK", "Stripes"- an officer who uses his position for personal gain and humiliation of subordinates. Having got into the school from under a stick or by accident, having no strong comrades and collective merits, having endured ridicule and bullying for a long time, such an officer uses all his strength to humiliate, maim and sell his subordinates. Often indulges in alcohol right at the workplace. He is constantly trying to “restore” his rotten “authority” among his subordinates through pathetic and senseless punishments: “no lunch today” and “100,500 push-ups”. He does not hesitate to use force, as he is personally sure that the Law and the Charter are on his side in any case. A champion for setting the dumbest and most useless tasks. God forbid to have such an officer as a boss.
"Obsobist", "Esbeshnik", "Kebist"- an officer of the Federal Security Service assigned to the unit. Called to watch EVERYONE, although most often limited to "problem cases" and officers. A person, at the appearance of which many conversations stop, and smiles disappear from faces. Due to his position outside the hierarchy, the object of flattery and desire to serve from any ambitious officer. Clever, well-read, cunning, although he adds to himself the image of omnipotence and excessive seriousness. All suspicious and problematic individuals who enter the unit go through a conversation with the "special officer".
"I would look at you with such corns."
Private M.
"Take responsibility for yourself. I don't like it when" he interfered with me,
I couldn't because they're there." I couldn't, I didn't want to - just say so.
You will still get pizdyuly, but I will respect you much more.
Junior Sergeant K.
"Same is yours call!"
Private G.
2.2 Soldiers and sergeants.
"Inferior beings".
"GoP", "GP", "Citizen"- civilian personnel of the unit, a person well versed in technology on the territory of the unit or a librarian / nurse / doctor / club manager. An otherworldly creature from a world where the presence of the Charter and rigid subordination is minimized. Useful as an interlocutor and supplier of products/things. He has authority in the unit if he belongs to three categories: a) someone's son / daughter / brother / matchmaker, b) a retired officer, c) a person to whom any of the senior officers of the unit is personally obliged. As a rule, a GP consists of the above categories a little more than completely.
"Brains", "Psi", "Psycho"- the psychologist of the unit, as a rule, the wife of an officer, or the officer himself, retired or in the service. Mostly soft people who live and work in "apartments": they have a TV, armchairs, magazines and other husks softening a soldier. There are two types: one who is interested and one who puts a bolt on everything (or not a bolt, depending on what gender the psycho is). An interested person will muzzle with tests, conversations for life, but will be able to quickly identify a warrior who is ready for a breakdown, experiencing problems at home or at work. The one who put the bolt is not interested in anything, except for the state-owned “how are you - she hasn’t given birth yet”, there is no sense from him in identifying dangerous elements and service destabilizers. Both species display arrogance and "broad knowledge of the subject", sometimes interpreting the completely mundane actions of the observed as a tendency to sabotage or something else fun. It has power at the very beginning of a soldier’s service - when he determines his psychological type and stability, your unit will largely depend on tests and conversations with a psychologist: security, support, communications, and so on. Be attentive to the questions asked and when answering the tests at the first and several subsequent meetings, in a month he will already lose any serious value for you.
"Cripple", "Invalid", "Terpila", "Anchor"- there are a lot of names for this type of serviceman, but they all characterize a “comrade in arms” who, at the right frequency and at the right time, suddenly has “legs hurt”, “head is spinning”, “a broken finger” and so on and so forth. Of course, behind the fence you are a tough hooligan or a magical parkour player, but in the army for some reason everything hurts, a “hernia” and in general you are all problematic. As practice shows due diligence and control on the part of senior comrades, numerous fractures heal, hernias evaporate, and broken hands become an instrument of death for others. The more you fiddle with your "disease" and the later the cards are revealed, the more fun and difficult the training and tasks will be during your future service. And here you will not find a single one who will empathize with you, no one likes "cripples". Moreover, if you decide to complain somewhere or write to your mother (!) that you are being exhausted by physical therapy (and there was such a case in my memory), then you will crawl into such a cesspool from which you will not get out in any way, even if you are a son minister of Honduras. Moreover, such comrades inexpressibly complicate the life of those who really have problems, who have been shot in the arm, who have fallen from a horse and who have been electrocuted. As practice shows, the absence of “cripples” in the medical unit with their idiotic requests and whining plays an important role in the prompt and adequate provision of first aid to injured soldiers / sergeants. Remember: you will be "crippled" - you will become a cripple.
"Chirya", "Leprosy", "Lice"- neglect of hygiene is the reality of army life, especially if it is field life. But this should not become a habit and overgrow with excuses. No one cares how much you slept, what you didn’t have time there, or that you “didn’t have time”, you were “not woken up”. Some immediately understand the requirements for appearance, some need time, and someone further neglects, does not react. He thinks that here the position “I am not me and the hut is not mine” will play for him, but no. After a week, he will begin to cover with dirt that is difficult to wash off, overgrow with twisted hair, constantly stink. In two or three weeks, it will already be a ready-made “boil”, from which even the most devoted friends will shy away. Many understand the importance of water-rinsing procedures only when boils and abscesses form on their body, and this does not stop some, and as a result, the mother of such an asshole asks "What have you done to my son?". And what to do with a dirty soldier? That's right: send to dirty work. Habit is second nature, if you are a “boil”, you will spend your days in landfills, in hangars and in rotten greenhouses. The ambre that you absorb there will stay with you for a long time.
"Rat"- as it is not difficult to guess, the nickname came from a blatnyak. In general, stealing is somehow not accepted at all, but stealing from your own people is a fatal mistake. Moreover, theft is both the direct secret seizure of someone else's, and the concealment of information about the "freebie" and "havchik". The "Rat" can come up with a million excuses and they can even believe him, but they will never forgive him. For the authorities, he will be a thief who cannot be trusted, for colleagues - a saboteur and an enemy, whose destiny is to hang out with other lepers and do menial work. They won’t let him into the store, they won’t trust him with things, they will push him out of the sports corner. "Rats" have no way for us! - such a slogan.
"Informer", "Red", "Teha", "Woodpecker"- you can beat the drum in the army. No more knocking. Everyone will strive to seduce you into this business in order to see if you are a snitch. The officers will try to appease you with sausage and the promise of benefits, the sergeants and senior conscripts with a softer attitude and the absence of troubles, the comrades will ask you to “surrender” to them someone from other companies or who they consider a “rat” ... Complete radio silence is practiced in the outside world: "We're all good." However, now the reins have been released and it is even honorable to knock. And that's why all the wonderful democratic citizens knock on each other for any reason: he stepped on my foot, he makes me work, I can't, because he's looking at me. It's funny the first couple of times, but on the tenth one already "I want to take it and uh ...". And after all, what is remarkable: in cases of completely idiotic hazing, with beatings, unprecedented physical exertion and all sorts of fun activities like heading against the wall - they are silent about this, you see, because it’s a shame after all that they forced you, that you are such a weak-willed dovban, but in cases purely ridiculous - complaints flow.
The officer ordered me to wash his car - a tragedy, I'll hand him over.
The sergeant ordered me to run to the store - "hand him" him.
The senior call is resting while I work - I will “hand over” everyone.
I remember that I had a conversation on this subject with new arrivals and my elders spoke with my lips: “Be responsible for yourself. Agree or disagree. No need to whine that someone forced you or something you think is wrong. You are silent, you agree, what problems are all on your own.
"Lost"- again same "thieves" theme. In general, it is already dying out, but in some places it still remains. “Lowered” is actually a comrade who was not lucky enough to realize in time that doing dirty work all the time is, to put it mildly, not ice. In some places, it is enough to wash the floor in the toilet to immediately “go down”. In some places, the officers are tormented so that they force the “lowered ones” to wash the urinal at the time when they pour there. But for the most part, these are all tales of intimidation from the so-called. "grandfathers". Until you see it yourself, it’s not at all necessary to believe, and if this still happens, then go to the shaggy grandmother and don’t do it. Do you like yourself and respect yourself? Did? Well, then you are “lowered” and no one is to blame that now you are in a herd of lepers.
"Young", "Spirit", "pea coat"- a soldier who is just joining the military environment. He doesn't know how to do anything, he complains and whines. The first couple of months in the company, anyone in the comb is under the definition of "spirit". The sooner you stop whining, suffer from infantilism and figure out who is the authority here and who is the waffle, the faster you will get rid of this offensive nickname. Everyone will call you “young”, unofficially of course, but direct and indirect bosses, and officers and sergeants - so far you are nobody. No one will show or tell you anything, you are naturally “meat for work”. If you don't want to be "meat" - show who you are and what you can do. And faster. And most importantly, don't.
"Clown"- so-called. grandfather, who by all standards is an idiot. He doesn’t know how to do anything, he doesn’t take responsibility, he can’t teach anything, he only mocks the weak. In most cases, you need to quickly determine, once in the company, who is in front of you: an older comrade who will teach you how to or a “clown”. Again, in some places - this is one of the fatal mistakes: you listen and hang out with the right guys, do what they say, everything will be fine with you, you will get stronger and mature. Hanging out with "clowns", groveling and listening to their blizzard - you are a fool. And your fate is stupid.
"Old", "Grandfather", "Senior"- common name for old-timers. Old-timers are now, by various standards, soldiers who have served more than 8 months. What is noteworthy, coupled with the service life at the present time, the personal qualities and skills of the senior call are counted, which makes it possible to distinguish the “lowered” from the “clown”, and that from the “grandfather”. Who is considered "old"? Several positions, how it can be distinguished:
Served more than 7-8 months;
Has specific skills that neither colleagues nor bosses can do without;
Knows how to "build" the personnel and make them do the work;
He is engaged in personnel, he needs it for two reasons: because he doesn’t give a damn and so that he doesn’t “fuck ..,” less often for fun. Solely for the sake of entertainment, "clowns" are entertained with the young, which must be distinguished;
Stands in office and / or has corporal / sergeant shoulder straps;
He has specific experience for this part: what lies where, who to approach with what, etc.;
Knows the main provisions of the Charters and subjects of combat training, demonstrates good physical and other training. Where the “grandfather” will put on a gas mask and do push-ups with you, the “clown” will definitely sit and do nothing and will not be able to confirm his skills with anything.
"Sergeant", "Rul", "Helmsman"- an old-timer or contract soldier in the position of a soldier or sergeant. "Rul" effectively differs from other old-timers, because. corresponds to the maximum possible number of distinguishing features of an intelligent soldier (see above in the paragraph about "grandfathers"). The status of "helmsman" is almost automatically assigned to those who are appointed to the positions of "assistant platoon commander" and "squad leader", if they are not amoeba. In addition, the “steering wheel” can be claimed by: those on duty in the company, captain, guard guards, clerk.
"Clerk"- freelance clerk of the company or headquarters. Tasks: write, no matter how strange it may sound, - fill in the schedules, rewrite them 100500 times, fill out notebooks, incl. and officers, fill out registers, collect murals, write plan notes, draw battle sheets ... Depending on the part, the position is mainly for recreation or not at all - to the heap with other duties. It is clear that if you are only a clerk and do not participate in the life of the unit in any way, then you are a despicable type and walk in the forest from the joys of the soldiers' collective. If you are “including”, then you live well, some respect you, some are neutral, but only the most stupid idiot can show you disrespect. Because: you run, jump, work, a little less than all but at night, during the day, at any time you should be ready to go to write in any volume, draw unexplored schemes, never ask anything and “fuck it fast!”. Sometimes deadlines are also set, say, “here are 48 sheets, you need to copy them into a notebook beautifully, you have two days.” Two days in which no one will give you indulgence, except that three or four hours will be cut out of the schedule of classes. Believe me, after a couple of weeks of working as a clerk in an elite, or equivalent, part, you will go crazy and beg for forced marches and brandishing shovels. If you know how to write beautifully, think quickly, do not ask unnecessary questions and do not regret meaningless work - you can try yourself as a clerk. A good chance to diversify your army activities, live in a tin, have contact with books, Regulations (which you need to learn) and other interesting information, as well as some stability: someone does not know where he will be sent, and you are 75% what you will go to write. I will stipulate that the “clerk”, like the “clerk”, is a constant contact with the authorities, and this itself is sometimes already worth all your nerves.
"Paramedic", "Hospital", "First Aid Kit"- a soldier or sergeant in the position of a sanitary instructor. One way or another, I got to my position on the basis of valuable skills - to quickly smear brilliant green or to grovel before the authorities. There are amazing specimens that run and shoot well during exercises, and can maintain authoritarian order in the “sump” (medical unit). Everyone likes these. And if he still understands well in medicine, then in general he is a golden guy. However, everyone treats paramedics with distrust, based on a cocktail of contempt and envy. The proportions of both depend on the abilities and character of the paramedic himself, his behavior and "understanding of the situation." If you don't understand much, are focused on "doing nothing" and licking asses, then welcome to the company of the most despised people of the part. You won’t get rid of this until the very end of the service, and sometimes even after it: contemptuous glances, statements “I’ll wait for a real doctor”, the absence of outstretched hands - this is the minimum that awaits you in case of your wonderful behavior according to the patterns “fuck at all, I’m the best awesome." If you are ready to help the guys, you know how to heal quickly, and when necessary and anti-quickly, you can keep yourself in order and during exercises / shooting / big trainings you do not SUDDENLY get “busy”, then everything will be fine with you. In the unit, you will certainly be an authoritative comrade. It would be nice, of course, to have a basic minimum of skills in the profile: the ability to apply bandages, know the names and dosages of drugs, be able to inject injections and send any officer to hell when you need to save someone.
"Kapter"- the person who is in charge of the pantry. This is one of the most important people in the company, both in the "grandfather" part and in the "statutory" part. The captain is responsible for the delivery / distribution of changeable linen, bedding and underwear, for the presence of things in the pantry according to the inventory, the order in the pantry, the availability and “padding” of the necessary documentation with a fresh number. Ideally, he should know how to properly wear, tuck and fold ALL uniforms and have incredible skills in tailoring and repairing clothes, shoes, and subservient furniture. In addition, a capter is a person with whom the Helmsmen constantly “hang out”. He can come up with saving easy tasks for them, he can cover up hazing in the middle of the day or after lights out. In addition to all this, the capter is responsible for providing the soldiers with uniforms, shoe polish, matches, cigarettes (regular cigarettes "Smoke" - this is still a cancerous tumor) and caramel. In fact, his area of \u200b\u200bresponsibility is the supply room and everything connected with it. Due to the fact that comrades and "spirits" actively please him with "order" in their bedside tables, on hangers and other places, sooner or later he begins to develop a "command voice" and be able to be persistent, which brings him closer to the status of a "helm" . Kapter is sometimes exempt from physical exertion, often from outfits, but his employment is continuous even without this. If you know how to handle things, like to sort and inventory everything, know how to sign with different handwriting and count well - you need to try yourself as a captain.
"Office"- a soldier or a corporal in a non-staff position "clerk". What is hidden behind this mysterious word is sometimes known only to the clerk. Depending on the part, this can be a laf position (and you understand what kind of attitude there is to a chancellor), an average load position (the usual duties of a soldier + some clerical tables, texts) and a position in which you will be cursed, as only a clerk can be cursed or duty officer. What is usually included in the duties: printing reports, all kinds of tables, repairing the computers of the company, headquarters and at home of the authorities, keeping the office in order. What usually gives: stability, constant employment with the usual things, with skill and virtuosity - watching videos, climbing on the Internet, sometimes freeing from current tasks and activities. What usually takes away: the daily routine, sleep, food, time, you start to remember the Charter worse, any attempt to run away to work out or work on the street is under threat. The average clerk lives an interesting, to the extent of tin, life, acquires interesting information and catastrophically spoils his nerves due to constant contact with his superiors and incredible multitasking, sometimes consisting of mutually exclusive paragraphs. In the presence of incomprehensible zeal and a desire to work qualitatively (which in itself is of no value in the army at all), nimbleness and multitasking, some goodies appear - they can let go to the store, "fumble" from some checks, dreary events, "beat off" earlier . Only those who can quickly navigate, have stress resistance, responsibility and can adequately build relationships with colleagues should climb into the office, otherwise he will become an outcast. Evaluate the unit and company, if you want to become a clerk, it may happen that you curse the day when you sat down at the computer in the army and watch with envy how your colleagues blame the cleaning of the territory or just relax.
"Demobilization"- a conscript who has less than two weeks left to serve. In the modern Russian army, the word "demobilization" is rather mocking, with which officers and sergeants pry negligent soldiers. This is the final "level up" before leaving the barracks, the last mark, to which everyone needs to cut and cut. “Ah .. who was demobilized” now only a person with problems in his head can call himself out loud. "Demobilization" is a very important mark for the inner feeling of a soldier.
"Black Demobilization"- sometimes circumstances develop in such a way that only one of the old-timers remains in the company, he is a black demobilization. The poor fellow was "fortunate" to leave a few days later than the rest of his conscripts. The life of a black demobilization is bleak, and ten times bleaker if he allowed himself to offend adequate guys from the junior draft. Of course they will recoup on it, and of course for the "black" these few days will be the longest for the service. However, if a demobilized comrade did not manage to make enemies for himself and does not lose authority until the last moment, then he calmly serves his term, with the only amendment that his worldview is experiencing mutations - yesterday's "dushmans" are now equal to him, and he, in his performance characteristics , just like them.
*****
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Not so long ago, a certain ordinary Petrov came to one of the parts of the Russian army for a fixed term: a fellow with two higher educations (as it was later found out, both diplomas are red ones) and a postgraduate degree behind him, though without a defended dissertation. When he arrived, he was 25 years old. Well, the military registration and enlistment office said: “It is necessary!”, And Petrov answered, not really resisting: “Yes!” Apparently, there was some reason for him in this matter. And not only was his head bright, but also gray-haired, which only worsened in our valiant troops: he turned on the “fool mode” too late.
Even at the assembly point, the officer who came to pick up a batch of recruits read Petrov's personal file and threatened that he would appoint him as a clerk at the headquarters. Petrov smiled shyly, but said nothing: believe any officer at the assembly point - in an instant you will find yourself in hell knows where.
I met him already at KMB. Modest, silent, not sporty in any place, but erudite - it’s already pleasant to communicate. In the end, they ended up in one battalion. Six months later, as already mentioned, he turned even more gray, so even a short haircut did not hide this. And the officers and warrant officers of the battalion, realizing that the new clerk (he is a hacker, he is also a repairman, he is ... - the list goes on) quickly understands many things, and most of all - in a pile of papers, tried to push him as many duties as possible. True, the chief of staff, together with the battalion commander, quickly repulsed everyone, depriving the most smart-assed bonuses. And after six months of valiant labor, even a junior sergeant was given.
They didn’t touch Petrov in the battalion: firstly, they considered him harmless: he managed to resolve all conflicts, even those that had passed the point of no return, peacefully, and secondly, they perfectly understood that there was no reason to quarrel with the majors and captains who “protected” him. Yes, and he did not get involved in the affairs of the battalion: he got up before everyone else, went to bed later than everyone else, when he completed the documents by morning. We didn't even always know whether he slept in the barracks or spent the night filling out books and magazines.
And one day, our already junior sergeant Petrov had a trouble: the Windows flew off, and the work - no end. The chief of staff quickly got him a phone with the Internet, and Petrov began to frantically google.
At that moment, a guy who had recently come from the KMB was on duty at the headquarters. He did not know the faces of the commanders, but he understood the ranks. That is, the colonel could completely distinguish from the ensign. There was only one problem: he turned out to be nearsighted, and for some reason he took off (or did not put on) his glasses. At that moment, as if to sin, the brigade commander appeared. He always appeared in the same way: first his stomach, and a second later he himself, sparkling with the colonel's stars. The orderly squinted, made out three sparks on the field false shoulder straps, but did not determine the size (considered the starley) and simply silently saluted. The brigade commander loved this: he always tried to enter the battalions like a polite moose, quietly and as unobtrusively as possible. And so quietly he entered the office of the chief of staff, where the unfortunate Petrov, swearing to himself, was looking for ways to resurrect the shaitan machine as soon as possible. It should be noted that he was sitting with his back to the door, and he simply did not notice the newcomer.
The brigade commander looked at this picture, came closer, looked at the details of the blatant violation of everything that was possible for a couple of seconds, after which he weighed such a master's bream to Petrov. He took off in surprise. The eyes spotted the constellations on the shoulders, and in the nearest offices the glasses rang from the mighty: “Healthy Colonel!”
At the cry, the chief of staff flew out of his cubbyhole and stretched himself to attention.
- Why a soldier with a telephone? the brigade commander asked sternly.
- We are trying to fix the computer, the system has crashed, the chief of staff immediately reported.
- Why is the soldier not shorn? - Polkan continued to interrogate. It should be given credit, Petrov at that time was really very overgrown: he simply had no time to cut his hair, and there was no urgent need, he simply ignored all the constructions.
- We'll cut it.
- Why is the soldier gray-haired? ..
Nobody has been able to find an answer. The brigade commander walked around the offices, issued remarks about teapots and civilian aunts scratching their tongues, inserted a piston to the battalion commander and chief of staff, and sailed off somewhere in the direction of neighboring buildings. The evil Petrov approached the orderly. It is not known how their conversation ended, but from that day on the orderly was always wearing glasses and from time to time ran out into the street to see if there were any big stars in the immediate vicinity of the headquarters.
A couple of hours after the colonel left, Petrov had to carry documents to the brigade headquarters. There he crossed paths with the battalion political officer, who was desperately trying to put on a serious face. It didn't turn out very well. And when he saw Petrov, he generally shook with soundless laughter.
- Comrade Major, what happened? he asked.
Neighing, the political officer quoted the speech of the brigade commander, issued by him during the meeting: “I’m going in, that means to the battalion headquarters. The fact that no one gave the command, it's like hell with him, but then ... I go into the office of the chief of staff. I look - is the major sitting at the computer? .. I took a closer look - no, soldier. In short, you have a mess there: kettles are standing, women are neighing, a blind orderly, and a soldier is sitting in the middle, looking at all this nonsense and slowly turning gray!
The nickname "Grey-haired Soldier" was assigned to Petrov until the very demobilization ...
