Everyone knows the saying that a real man should have time in his life to plant a tree, raise a son and build a house. The presence of a house, a garden and a son are the traditional criteria for a man's success. But does a modern man need to strive for these three cherished goals, or is success today in something else?
The simplest task, at first glance, seems to be the task “raise a son". Many men have sons, but not all of them raise them, that is, they care and educate. Unfortunately, many fathers do not pay due attention to their sons and sometimes do not even love. But it is the father for the boy - a role model!
The most effective education is education by example. Therefore, the task “Growing up a son”, in fact, implies the ability to first become a real man, one from which the son will take an example and, based on this example, grow up as a worthy person.
But in order to raise a son, caring only about the formation of his personality is not enough, you need to think about external, material well-being. It is unlikely that a child will be happy if the family lives in poverty. Hence the second task of a man - “Build a house”.
Of course, it is not necessary to build a house yourself and it is not at all necessary that it be a house. It is enough to have an apartment, the main thing is that it be your own!
A successful man these days can buy an apartment in the city or a house in the country. If buy a land plot in a cottage settlement , you can build your own house, with your own hands. And then the second task will certainly be completed 100%!
The meaning of the task To plant a tree”, perhaps the most profound. What trees are usually planted? Fruit! Those from which you can harvest, those that later grow into a large garden. This means that a man must be able to find such a direction of development, work and business from which he can receive constant profit.
The “tree” that feeds will help the man maintain the house he has built and provide everything necessary for his entire family.
But even if we take the third task literally, it does not become less significant for life. By planting trees, people save the planet, and therefore themselves. Everyone today wants to live in an ecologically clean area, everyone loves to relax in nature and many would like to live in a country house.
Ideally, having an apartment in a metropolis, for example, in Moscow, buy a summer cottage not far from the city, where you can go to relax from the bustle of the city and breathe fresh air. In the suburbs, country houses are especially popular. plots in the Gorky direction , as here you can relax in nature, while being in close proximity to the capital.
So, all three tasks are relevant in our time. And today, the presence of a garden, a house and a son are the criteria for the success of a real man.
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Russian sayings and proverbs carry a deep and very specific meaning. Consider what is meant by this well-known proverb
The proverb "I planted a tree, gave birth to a son, built a house" - what does it mean?
Russian sayings and proverbs carry a deep and very specific meaning. Consider what is meant by this well-known proverb.
Build a house
A home is a space that has clear boundaries and structure. At its core, a "house" is a kind of system where various Subjects can interact, and where various processes can take place.
In the literal sense, the expression "build a house" meant to create a safe place for your family, procreation, a place for protection, a place where you can gain strength, a place where the hearth burned, the fire in which was lit from the fire of Perun's lightning, and this fire should have been kept inextinguishable...
Currently when most people are no longer directly involved in the construction of a place to live, when with the development of transport and the Internet All more people do not see the need to settle down and are able and willing to travel, and the fire in the hearth is replaced by electricity, the expression "build a house", however, has not lost its meaning.
But its meaning has changed.
Now "home" is no longer just something material."To build a house" means to create some clear and concrete structure, system. Often this is a business that works like clockwork.
Also, "home" can be an organized system of relationships between people. By the way, in the words of one of my coaching acquaintances, a marriage proposal "structures the relationship between a man and a woman."
"House" can also be called an information structure, such as works of art. It happens that the invented character turns out to be so bright that it seems to begin to live an independent life. There is a huge number of copies, imitations, according to the principle of genetic replication in biology.
This phenomenon has already been studied from various points of view. And in fiction it is described, for example, in the novels "The Picture of Dorian Gray", "Blade of Sleep", "Fog".
Also, the category of "intangible houses" includes such phenomena as fashion and cinema in general., as well as phenomena such as the Marwel Universe.
Thus, "to build a house" means "to create a system of behavioral reactions, relationships between people and structure the processes taking place in this system."
Quite a difficult task, but the result is worth it.
To give birth (raise) a son
According to genetic research, The DNA of people on earth is practically similar, the differences are only about 0.01%. That is, the share of uniqueness is only one hundredth of a percent of the genetic information of our body. This fact speaks to the importance of uniqueness.
And everything is very interesting on the topic of the transfer of genetic information. The fact is that mothers pass on genetic information only to their daughters. But men do not have information transmitted only from mothers.Besides, It is on the paternal DNA that the health of the child depends.
Well, an interesting point: The DNA of any person is 40% DNA of viruses experienced by ancestors. By the way, a virus, acting on a cell, causes it to mutate, and the vast majority of mutations are not viable under natural selection, and only a small part contributes to evolutionary development in its essence.
And these same 40%, a fairly significant part of the genetic code, are in essence the encoded experience of the survival of thousands of generations of ancestors.
Dear information, isn't it?
It follows from the foregoing that the expression "give birth (raise) a son" is somehow connected with development (evolution) and means the transfer of hereditary information.
And this small piece of information, only a hundredth of a percent, has value. Indeed, from the point of view of nature, it is not the selection of the strongest and best genes that is important, but their unique combination.
In a patriarchal society, the topic of inheritance is inextricably linked with the transfer of material values.("houses" and acquired property and other "structures").
In modern conditions, the situation is changing. And the point is not only in feminism, which approved the rights of women to inheritance and other social bonuses, but also in the fact that with the development of science, the need for two parents to transmit genetic information to human offspring has disappeared.
In a broad sense, the expression means to leave behind an heir to material values, a carrier of the genome, to leave a unique informational trace.
To plant a tree
The tree among the Slavs (and not only) is a symbol of the Family. And this is again about the system, because the Family consists of men and women, often not directly related by blood ties, but connected by common goals, ideas, values, traditions and rituals, patriotism, cultural and historical past.
The branches of the tree are the younger generations, stretch to the sky and the sun, while the roots (ancestors) are rooted in the ground.The ancient Russians called their homeland Mother, and when traveling they wore a pouch with a handful of their native land around their necks, as it was believed that far from their homeland, one could get protection in this way.
And now the expressions "Mother-cheese earth", "Mother Earth" are known. The sky and the sun were associated with male deities. Thus, the tree is not only a symbol of the family, but also a symbol of the spiritual union of the masculine and feminine into a completely tangible and living thing.
If a house is an artificially created material structure, then a tree is a living, born structure. It is not enough to give birth and raise a son, it is important to be part of the tribal (information) system. It is also important to become an ancestor, a starting point for new growth, a point of bifurcation.
The tree symbolizes precisely fractality, the endless repetition of signs in wildlife.
All three parts of the old Russian proverb are interconnected and mean the importance and value of the manifestation of the creative nature of man, without denying the animal principle, in connection with nature and the world.
Creativity is one of the characteristics that distinguish us from animals. The ability to consciously interact with information, to create entire information structures, independent and self-sufficient - isn't this a value?
© Evelina Gaevskaya
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness - together we change the world! © econet
Book review by Mag Jay. important years. Why You Shouldn't Postpone Your Life. Moscow: Mann, Ivanov and Ferber. 2015
Mag Jay, PhD, is a clinical psychologist and practicing lecturer at the University of California at Berkeley who has been studying the problems of young people in their twenties and thirties for many years. On the pages of the new book, the author parses and analyzes the touching stories of his students and patients. I was advised to read this book by my daughter (she is 25 years old - the very middle of important years). I got interested in the novelty.
Prologue, preface and introduction. The introduction is too long in my opinion. Most young people (the author addresses them) simply cannot overcome this “closed door”: the main idea is repeated many times over thirty-six pages. So the child is stuffed with nasty semolina, convincing that it is useful. In the classroom of the master class of literary creativity, my teacher B.T. Evseev (a very fashionable modern writer) often repeats: “In modern prose, there is an active shift in the reader's interest from a long and tedious novel to a short and capacious story. The shorter the story (of course, a good one), the more freedom for the reader to think. He kind of becomes a co-author of the narrator.” Modern youth do not have enough time to read long scientific books, and even with notations. Will not! It's a pity!
Our young people of 20-30 years old, unlike their American peers, rarely attend psychotherapy sessions. We do not accept this - a different mentality, a different culture and upbringing. Our young people solve this kind of problems alone. Sometimes they consult with friends, less often with parents. Some turn to the book (but finding the right one is not easy, and reader activity has declined sharply in recent years). So social problems remain unresolved, dragging along with them unemployment, drug addiction, and a bunch of other nasty things.
The format of this book - conversations with a psychologist - may not appeal to our audience. It would be good to present important thoughts and advice in a shorter and in a different form, close to our realities. For example, like stories or stories from the life of 20-30-year-olds with comments, let's say, an adult girlfriend, older sister or brother. I suggested such a topic for discussion in the Discourse. Our authors are happy to share stories from their lives. And together we will help the heroes who find themselves in a difficult situation.
The book is divided into three parts, each divided into chapters. I will elaborate on the first part.
Part one. Job
Chapter first. Identity Capital.
Identity capital is a collection of personal assets, a store of those individual resources that we accumulate over time. This is our investment in ourselves. Some aspects of identity capital show up on our resumes - it could be education, work experience... Others are more personal - ancestral roots, how we solve problems, how we talk and how we look. Identity capital is how we create ourselves: step by step, little by little. And the most important element of it is what we bring to the adult life market. This is the currency for which we, figuratively speaking, “buy” work, relationships and everything we strive for. A person must continuously replenish that "cherished well" from which he can drink pure life-giving moisture throughout his life. And the decade between twenty and thirty years is a period of life when the "well" is filled very actively. Everything should work for the future: contacts, experience, new knowledge (learn a foreign language, learn to swim, dance, draw, see distant countries). In the future, the accumulated is mainly spent (and replenished less often).
Sometimes young people, cherishing freedom, are content with casual work (albeit uninteresting, boring, but leaving a lot of free time for the so-called fun life - sleep longer, meet friends, just enjoy doing nothing until the real real adult life has come). But real life may not come, and cruel reality will mercilessly throw you to the sidelines of life, to numerous losers. And what gives such imaginary freedom? Casual work does not bring much money, self-development slows down (and sometimes a young person completely degrades in an inappropriate company). Discipline is lost, skills are lost. No need to keep an eye on your appearance, spending hours on the Internet with chips and a bottle of beer. Meanwhile, others are actively accumulating their "identity capital", confidently moving forward towards their dream. It is they who will occupy the best places in the future life: they will become heads of companies, successful creative individuals. “If, after receiving a university degree, a person’s resume contains incomprehensible entries about work in the retail trade or in a cafe too often, this suggests his degradation. This kind of activity can negatively affect not only the resume, but also the whole life.”
Chapter two. Weak ties. A close circle of friends with close friends has a downside. It forms the so-called. strong ties, connecting people with similar interests, life principles. Friends are always ready to help in difficult times. But no less important are weak ties between people unfamiliar. It can be colleagues or neighbors, old friends with whom you communicate from time to time. “When we share career ideas or thoughts about love with them, we have to formulate everything much more clearly. So weak ties activate, and sometimes even force a deliberate process of development and change. Weak ties are like a bridge with no end in sight, meaning no one knows where it might lead.”
Thus, expanding the circle of communication, we discover new opportunities for ourselves both in our careers and in personal relationships.
Another important thought: don't be afraid to make and use useful connections. The author claims that “... making useful connections, using contacts and other similar actions is quite normal. Personally, this has never bothered me, but I have friends who are very stressed about the fact that their relatives helped them find a job. As an employee at one of the top three companies in the industry, I only know one person who actually got the job without knowing anyone in the company. Everyone else got here by acquaintance.”
For our young people, proud and ambitious, it is a big problem to seek help in finding a job from relatives, unfamiliar influential people. So they sit for hours on HeadHunter, and then the ordeals for dubious companies begin. First - interviews, then - a trial period (it is often used by scammers and unscrupulous employers), and as a result - disappointment, wasted energy. And again looking for a job. Such running around in a vicious circle often leads to a loss of interest in any work and depression. Precious time is lost, it is difficult, and sometimes even impossible to make up for it. It is important to understand that when you are hired on the basis of a recommendation, this does not mean that someone has already done everything for you. They just helped you get on the first step. And the way you show yourself is solely your personal merit. And her colleagues and superiors will appreciate her, not remembering the small service rendered once by influential acquaintances. Well, if you couldn’t prove yourself, then “no connections will help you make your foot small, your soul big, and your heart fair,” as the king said in the movie Cinderella about the evil schemer-stepmother who was kicked out of the kingdom without looking at her "big connections".
“Studies show that in adult life, the network of social contacts narrows, as career and family life make people busier. That is why, even if we often change jobs, move from place to place, live with different people and spend a lot of time at parties, this is the best time to make useful connections. Weak ties are contacts with people who will help you improve your life right now (and will do so again and again in the coming years), if you only take the liberty to figure out what you really want.
Chapter three. Unconscious known. The author, using the example of the story of a young man, Ian, argues that those who made their career choice early live happier than those who mark time. Ian (and many of his peers) are in the middle of an ocean of opportunity. All paths are open, but he does not know where to go. A guy with a university education works as a waiter in a cafe. In the company of his colleagues, it is not customary to "take out the brain" with reasoning about high goals - the day has passed, and that's fine. And, moreover, it is not customary to take responsibility for anything. “When Ian complained to his parents about his aimless wandering in the ocean of possibilities, he heard another lie. His father and mother said, “You are the best! The whole world is at your feet!” They assured him that he could do whatever he wanted. They did not understand that such vague support did not bring any benefit to the son. Lies only lead astray, away from the right path.
Ian finally realized that continuing to "go with the flow" is unlikely to achieve his goal (to become a computer artist). He changes jobs, and this decision is not easy for him: it is difficult to admit the mistake of choice and return to the starting point.
Chapter Four. Everything on Facebook should look beautiful.
“I graduated from college almost two years ago. For almost fifteen years, I tormented myself with the pursuit of perfection and thought that the new life that would begin after graduation would allow me to get rid of these torments. Unfortunately, the endless parties and the opportunity to do whatever I want turned out to be not as fabulous as I expected, ”Talia shares with the author. - After a few months of living in San Francisco, I began to experience loneliness and depression. Most of my friends are scattered around the country. The only close friend with whom we lived together suddenly turned away from me. I spend all day looking at job ads in the papers and going to the gym. I feel like I'm about to break. I can not sleep. I cry all the time. My mom thinks I need to be treated."
The cause of such torment for the girl, oddly enough, was Facebook, where Talia's peers post photos and stories about their successes in their careers and personal lives.
The desire to meet high standards and be “no worse than others” turns life into a nightmare, leads to depression and the loss of the necessary guidelines. There is a fierce rivalry between the participants of social networks.
“Most young people in their twenties are smart enough not to compare their lives with what they see on celebrity microblogs. However, they still perceive images and Facebook posts as something real. They don't understand that most people just hide their problems. This kind of self-deception leads social media users to constantly compare their social status to some higher standard. As a result, their not-so-perfect life looks like a failure against the backdrop of the wonderful life that the rest of them supposedly live.
Chapter five. Life on order. Understanding your desires, comparing them with the possibilities and, as a result, creating your own life scenario - this is the task that 20-30-year-olds have to solve.
The hero of this chapter has built a bicycle for himself and is proud of the result of his work. He enthusiastically tells how a unique, unique personal unit has turned out from standard components and parts. An individual house project, a custom-made wardrobe, a personal computer… A modern person tries to get away from standards and patterns, making life convenient and comfortable, fully meeting his interests. The same thing happens with life.
Career? The one that can combine talents, interests, the opportunity to realize oneself. And at the same time, it will bring financial well-being, sufficient to provide a decent life for yourself and your future children, and will not make you mourn from paycheck to paycheck.
To do this, you need to work on the scenario of your own life and not postpone this important task until later. And, what is more important and difficult, calmly, step by step, move along the chosen path.
“Choosing a career or getting a good job is not the end, but only the beginning. And then there is still a lot to learn and do.”
Part two. Love
“The most important decision each of us makes is who we marry. However, there are no life partner courses.”
Nowadays, young people are in no hurry to get married. They enjoy freedom, have fun with friends and lovers and do not want to bind themselves with obligations, sometimes perceiving living together as a test for marriage prospects, as a test of adult life together. However, statistics show that couples who lived together before marriage are less happy later on and the divorce rate among them is much higher. Sociologists call this phenomenon the cohabitation effect. Going from dating, to nights out, and then to permanent residence can be a 'slip down a dangerous slope'. On this path, there is no discussion of a common future, and, as a result, there is no responsibility for each other. The requirements for a cohabitant are much lower than those for a spouse. As a rule, the shortcomings of a partner are not noticed until marriage. And if such relationships end in marriage, then it is difficult to overcome the barrier between the carelessness of living together before and the huge responsibility after its conclusion.
20-30 years is the time to think about choosing a partner and not be content with little, wasting time on meaningless relationships. One should not wait thirty years to become more exacting in one's choice. You need to be discerning while you are still young.
All future life - health, leisure, work, money, raising children, retirement and even death - depends on this choice. In recent decades, the average age at marriage has increased. However, late marriage does not guarantee the strength of the union. Adults have established habits and formed qualities. It is more difficult for them to adapt to each other. And relationships without commitment are sometimes destructive, forming bad habits and destroying faith in true love.
“A lot can change around us, but we start and end our lives with family” (the author quotes writer Anthony Brandt). A happy family gives a person a sense of confidence, security, stability. Together it is easier to cope with difficulties.
Part three. Mind and body
In the final part of the book, data from medical and psychological studies are presented, indicating that the human brain continues to form in 20-30 years. And these are new opportunities for self-development and learning. At this age, it is easy to manage circumstances and change yourself.
This is such a necessary and timely book that made me think about a lot. I have re-read many pages several times and will undoubtedly be among the first buyers of the publication - such a book should be had as a guide for in-depth study. Yes, and just as an experienced good friend, to whom at any time you can turn for help and get good advice. After all, the problems of young people in different countries are very similar.
Photo gallery: 3 things a real man should do
So, 3 things a real man should do. Previously, a man had to build a house. What was meant by this? In fact, the house was then an opportunity to protect oneself from the cold and attacks of enemies. After all, a castle can also be called a home, fortified and protected from all external enemies. Indeed, a strong and good house was previously very much appreciated, because the more reliable the house was, the more the person got the opportunity to protect himself from various weather disasters and protect himself from ill-wishers. In addition, not every person could afford to build a real dwelling, and not a shack that would fall apart from a light breeze. That is why men have always tried to build a real house in order to get a good bride. Indeed, at all times, parents tried to marry their daughter to the most reliable young man. A strong house was the first proof of its reliability. This meant that the man was able to accumulate funds on his own and build his own dwelling, which also proved his physical strength.
What does a strong and large mansion say in the modern world. Well, probably, that the man has the financial ability to purchase it or hire workers for construction. Now, few people will build a house with their own hands. And, if this happens, it will most likely indicate that a person does not have enough funds to pay a professional team of builders. Building a house with his own hands will take more than one year, and therefore, in the modern world, a man should rather not build a house, but acquire a presentable home. It does not have to be a cottage or mansion. Also, a beautiful spacious apartment in a good area of the city can serve as a “home”. Probably, the concept of a house, in fact, has not changed much since the past. The parents of the bride are still concerned about the living space of the future son-in-law. Only now they are not worried about barbarian raids and cold winters, but about the prospects of living in the same apartment with the young, which, of course, they don’t want at all, or the possibility of renting an apartment that will not be so cheap, which will affect their daughter’s future family budget . So, we can conclude that the first thing that a modern man should do is get a living space. And let it be a gift, an inheritance, or an honestly earned apartment, the main thing is that the guy has a place to live with his future wife.
The second is to plant a tree. What was once meant by this? A tree is, first of all, give birth. And if there is a harvest, then in winter the family will not starve. Then, by planting a tree, they meant that a young man has his own land, on which he can and knows how to grow bread, vegetables and fruits. It is no secret that farming used to be one of the main professions. If a man was a good farmer, he had food in the house, besides, many products were sold. For the proceeds, the guy had the opportunity to buy clothes, household utensils and firewood for the winter, so as not to freeze in a cold house.
Then it turns out that for a modern man, planting a tree means getting a good job. Now, when you can buy almost everything, the main currency is not bread, but money. And the demands of modern people are an order of magnitude higher than those of their ancestors. Therefore, in order to live well in the modern world, it is necessary to have enough funds, which, as you know, bring a promising well-paid job. That is why modern guys should not just learn how to cultivate their land well. They need to have high intelligence and get a good education at the university, with which you can find a suitable job. Also, in order to have high earnings. You need to be ambitious and courageous, be able to find non-standard solutions and never give up. So, to some extent, it is more difficult for modern men to fulfill the second rule.
Well, the third is to raise a son. Perhaps this is the one thing that will never change. Each person wants to continue his family, to see in his children the best qualities that he laid in them from infancy. Of course, times are changing, and the methods of education are also becoming somewhat different, but, nevertheless, one thing remains at the core - to raise a worthy member of society from your child. That's what every real man tries to do. He will never leave his offspring and will not try to evade obligations. A real man and a real father will raise his child and never say that he simply does not have time. Such men always had time to build houses and grow trees, but at the same time, their children were never left without male education. The upbringing of such men is strict and fair, and they undoubtedly love their children very much. For the sake of a child, these guys build the warmest and most comfortable house and grow the tallest tree. They do everything they can and even try to do the impossible.
So, 3 things that a real man should do in the modern world is to get a good living space, have a well-paid job and do everything so that his children do not need love, care and proper education. If a man is able to achieve this, he will be able to fully realize himself in life. But, in fact, fulfilling these three rules is not so easy. A lot of effort needs to be put in. Therefore, it is not surprising that not all men achieve such results, and, consequently, self-realization. But, if your boyfriend has a good house or apartment, a job that brings him not only a high income, but also joy, and, in addition, he loves children very much and is ready to invest his whole soul and all finances in them, then there is really a real a man who deserves you.
Once a non-idle woman came to the sage and asked:
- Oh, wise one! The sky has revealed that my good hour is coming to give birth to an heir. I want to raise him a worthy person, a real man. From father-mother I know that a real man is the one who builds a house, plants a tree and raises a son. Help me to learn for myself, and then to pass on wisdom to my son - how to do it right.
“Your mother and father told you everything is true,” the sage answered. - I'll just be more specific. The house must be built on a foundation of twelve bricks. Tree - plant only in suitable land. And your son will raise a worthy son, if first you raise a worthy mother in yourself.
The woman thought about the words of the sage, and then she says:
- Beautifully you said, the wisest, but I do not understand your words. Explain, please, what your words mean.
The sage smiled and replied:
- The foundation of twelve bricks is nobility. There are twelve letters in this word, and twelve male virtues it contains. This is a strong will, strong faith, honesty, kindness, freedom from the base, a sense of justice, readiness to help those in need, the ability to be responsible for their words and deeds, empathy, refusal to condemn, the ability to forgive and respect for elders. Help your son to lay this foundation, and his heart house will stand firmly, it will never fall.
- And what is a suitable land and a tree?
- The tree is your Family, which your son will continue. Teach him to look for a worthy land - a worthy Woman. And then the tree of your Family will never wither, and its roots will grow stronger.
“Thank you for your wisdom,” the woman replied. - I understood what a strong foundation and suitable land are. But what does it mean to grow a worthy mother in yourself?
- And this is the simplest and the most difficult, - the sage smiled. “I can only give you one hint. Every day pray to God with these words: “Lord, help me to be a worthy mother for my son! Help me love, not judge him. And help me always remember that I gave birth to a son, but I am raising a man! Did you understand?
“Thank you, wise one,” the woman sighed. “I understood everything, but I can’t understand one thing: I asked you about an earthly house, a tree and an heir, and you told me about what to raise in my child’s soul.
“What kind of seeds a mother sows in her son’s heart, his earthly deeds will sprout with such fruits,” the sage replied to this.
Oksana Akhmetova, 2013
Many have heard more than once that a real man must do three things in his life: build a house, plant a tree and raise a son. The expression has long acquired a shade of folk wisdom, which teaches that a man during his life (at least once) must take care of nature, take care of the continuation of his kind, and also provide his family with a place to live.
Often this phrase is said during toasts, although who owns the authorship of this expression is unknown. Sounds like a phrase in the Talmud. It says that “a person must first build a house and plant a vineyard, and then marry” (“Sota”, 44b (93, p. 361). So the expression “build a house, plant a tree and raise a son” can be considered an interpretation of a phrase from Talmud, the meaning of which is that you must first create conditions for life, and then acquire a wife.
Generations of Soviet children, following the young performers, inspiredly sang the lines of a popular song: "May there always be a mother, may there always be me." Not everyone asked the question: “What about dad?”
In the wings
More recently, the roles in the family were quite clearly distributed: dad works and earns, mom also works and educates. Although fathers, of course, are different, two stereotypes were common with the word “dad” in Soviet times: dad lying on the couch with a sports newspaper or strict with a belt. They walked with children, took them to sections, circles, went to parent meetings, most often mothers or grandmothers. The father was responsible for accustoming the child to order, strict upbringing, and even choosing the professional path of a son or daughter.
“Dads are becoming more responsible, they want to take part in the upbringing of children. Sometimes women earn more, and dads are "on the hook" - they help in education. Fathers are increasingly taking maternity leave. Now I go to parent-teacher meetings with my children and I see that dads often come and actively discuss all school matters. That is, they are interested in the development of children, - says the chairman of the public organization "Large families of the Perm Territory" Irina Ermakova. - We have a forum for women "Mom-Bee". While mothers were gaining new knowledge, fathers were taking care of children. I think it's wonderful."
Modern life is blurring traditional roles, but getting used to this is not so easy. From pregnancy to raising teenagers, you can learn about how to be a mother everywhere. But there is much less information about how to be a dad. They usually do not prepare for the role of a father: in kindergarten and school they usually do not say who the father is, focusing on the mother.
Now you can see brutal uncles who braid daughters' pigtails, walk with kids on playgrounds. Dads take children to sections and circles and generally spend more time with children.
“If you want to be a good dad, no one will tell you how to do it. There are practically no books. There are also very few thematic sites and there is little useful information there,” says the organizer of the discussion “Where is Dad?”, which was recently held at the Smart Child exhibition, Pyotr Kravchenko.
"Mom" ecosystem
Peter has two children: Arseniy is three years old, Kirill will soon be a year old. The division of roles in the family is traditional: dad is mainly a breadwinner. Yet Peter tries to spend more time with his sons. Now the schedule allows you to take a three-year-old son to work so that the baby knows what the head of the family does and how he makes money. When Peter began to actively participate in the upbringing of children, he realized that he did not know much.
“I see how the wife’s communication with her girlfriends is built. They have some kind of bird language, a whole maternal ecosystem. This shows up in everything: they share advice, change things, etc. There are many sites and social media groups for moms. And there is nothing for dads yet,” says Peter. - It so happened that my close friends and I almost simultaneously became fathers. But in our male company it is not customary to discuss issues of education. But we all wanted to become fathers, and our goal is to become good dads. But unlike women, there are no courses or books for us. For example, I have a lot of questions. On the one hand, I do not want to crush the child with strictness, on the other hand, I understand that it is necessary to form a framework for behavior. How to find a balance? If earlier dads influenced the choice of profession, now it becomes impossible. When the baby grows up, they will change significantly. Where is the answer even to this question?
In a male company, it is not customary to discuss issues of education. But we all wanted to become fathers, and our goal is to become good dads. But unlike women, there are no courses or books for us.
Compassion and responsibility
To understand who a dad is and what it means to be a good father, Peter and his friends organized a discussion. To the delight of the organizers, she gathered a lot of men. How to find a balance between work and family, what is conscious fatherhood, what are the advantages of maternity leave - they discussed all these issues.
“It is important for the future father to be aware of everything that happens to the woman he loves even at the stage of pregnancy. This should become a need, because even an unborn child is already part of the family. In such a situation, a man should already be interested in how he can help. If a husband responsibly approaches the role of a father, he must be ready to rebuild his taste habits, give up some personal needs to suit the needs of the family (for example, quit smoking on the balcony, go outside), - says Roman Popov, a journalist from Perm. - The one who is more convenient goes on maternity leave. The issue of priority and agreements is important here, not established norms. A man, even at the stage of his wife's pregnancy, should consider the option that he can go on maternity leave. Traditionally, all knowledge about what happens to a child is passed on to a woman. If a pediatrician comes, he tells all the information about how he is feeling to his mother, and only trusts his father to bring a spoon for examination. However, it is also important for a father to be in the know, he must participate in decision-making and take responsibility.
According to Roman, a man should forget about the traditional distribution of responsibilities around the house. There is no division into men's and women's affairs.
Men say that while dads who take care of children are rare, they have a number of bonuses. At least - tenderness of mothers on playgrounds. One dad remembered how ladies in the children's clinic parted before him and his child, because fathers usually appear in medical institutions much less often than mothers.
The father should be involved in decision making and take responsibility
The organizers of the discussion want to take the discussion of the topic of conscious fatherhood to a new level - they plan to hold a festival of dads in Perm. And in the near future, on September 30, this topic will be raised at the We-Fest festival dedicated to family issues.
Why is the law so harsh?
Commissioner for Children's Rights in the Perm Territory Pavel Mikov:
In the last three or four years, the number of complaints from fathers of children has increased significantly. Appeals are most often associated with disagreement with the decisions of the courts that determined the place of residence of the child after the divorce of the parents. On the one hand, the very fact of conversion and the desire of fathers to participate in the lives of children speak of conscious parenthood, and this cannot but rejoice. On the other hand, this also indicates some problems in the practice of Russian legal proceedings.
Most often, the judge makes a decision, traditional for our mentality, regarding the place of residence of children, leaving them with their mother. According to the fathers, the judges do not take a comprehensive approach to assessing this decision. One of the latest appeals to the Commissioner testifies to just this.
The man does not agree with the decision of the court, which determined that after the divorce, one child will live with his mother, the other with his father. However, as it turned out, the mother of the children actively professes a non-traditional religion: and such moments as the rejection of traditional medicine, involving the child in religious worship, changing the normal diet, cannot but raise doubts about the safety of the child’s physical and spiritual development. The man is now challenging the court's decision.
Boss or friend?
Maxim Zubakin, Senior Lecturer at the Department of Developmental Psychology, Perm State National Research University:
Now the perception of the role of the father in the family is gradually changing. Representations are different from those that were in the days of our parents. In modern society, there is still no common idea about the role of the father.
In my opinion, a fairly small stratum of men still have an interest in raising children and improving their quality of life. As a rule, these are educated people with an average income, aged 30 to 45 years. So far, I have not seen a wide request in society to discuss this topic.
A man does not always understand what it means to be a father. The problem lies in the fact that there is some conflict between the role of the breadwinner and the dad. Usually men work a lot, but children at home hardly see them. It is not easy to find a balance in order to be realized in the profession and find time for children.
Mixing both roles - worker and dad - is not a good idea, as they involve completely different behavior. Often a man gets used to behaving in a certain way at the enterprise and transfers the same style of communication to the family, which causes conflicts. If at work everything is very structured for a man, then the family involves much less formalization. Work obliges him to act clearly and unemotionally, while at home they expect him to show more feelings. At work, there are rather narrow opportunities for the manifestation of their individual characteristics. The family, rather, is forced to take on the character of the father in all its manifestations. If a man arranges a certain corporation from his family, perceives his wife and children as employees of the enterprise, they resist management and begin to hide something.
Educate yourself, not children
Venera Korobkova, Dean of the Faculty of Legal and Socio-Pedagogical Education, PSPU:
There are four categories of fathers. The first is absent parents. They either never participated in the child's life at all, or stopped communicating with him after the divorce. The second is traditional dads. They don't interfere much in the lives of children. They believe that their task is to earn money, and upbringing is the mother’s business. The third category is active dads. They are ready to delve into the educational process, readily communicate with children. Last, and least numerous, are authoritarian fathers who regulate all spheres of life in the family. They decide everything themselves, and the mother does not have the right to vote.
The largest category is traditional dads. We usually want them to pay more attention to children, but scolding and forcing is not an option. Schools make matters worse. When do dads usually get called to the teacher? When the child is misbehaving. For a man, a child is a reason for pride, and listening to how a son or daughter is scolded, dads feel bad luck. Now we offer to organize family clubs at kindergarten groups, school classes to encourage dads to participate in the lives of children. Men can participate in hikes and meetings in nature, they can fry a barbecue, play football with children, see how other couples communicate - the parents of their children's classmates.
There are much fewer active fathers - in different teams from 6 to 15%. Every year this figure increases, as there is a lot of information on the Internet.
I will say that it is important not so much how much time the father spends with the child and educates, but how he behaves in the family: how he treats the mother of the child, how and how much he works. There is such an English proverb: “You don’t have to raise children, they will still do what you do.” She is true. The father simply by his example shows the child how to behave in a variety of situations.
Protect and teach
Dad on decree Sergey Galiullin:
When I found out that my wife and I would have a child, I began to look for a job with a big salary. But it did not work out, so I decided to be with the child. I consider it work, because raising a daughter is the same work.
Mom works in our family, and I sit with the child. Household tasks - washing, ironing, cooking, washing floors - are performed by those who have time. Usually I cook breakfasts, my wife cooks dinners. She most often washes the floors, because at this time I am engaged with my daughter. I walk with her, change diapers, wife puts her to bed. Since I have been with my daughter since birth, we have a good contact. I had to learn how to wash a baby, change diapers, clothes. Now she falls asleep worse with me, she likes more to be put to bed by her mother. But I don't see it as a problem.
I think that men should spend more time with children. A father can give his daughter and son something that a mother cannot. Dad is stronger and it is he who will roll the child on his shoulders. It’s easier for dad to be a clown, a fool, over whom children will kindly laugh. But dad will protect, teach how to defend himself, how to get out of conflict situations. In general, it is very important for me to be a father - to be needed, caring. I learned some everyday things that I could not do before. Even cooking is better.
Traditional ideas about roles in the family are losing relevance. But stereotypes are very difficult to change. It seems to me that the more dads actively spend time with children, the faster the point of view in society will change. I often see men with strollers on a walk, in shops. First, dads will learn to just be with children, and then bring them up to the mark.
Share and educate
Mother of many children Nina Shirinkina:
In our family, my husband went on maternity leave to care for the youngest daughter. We compared the level of salaries and found out that it would be more profitable this way. I will say right away that not all acquaintances and even close people understood us. Nevertheless, I believe that it turned out to be the right decision. We immediately clearly divided the responsibilities so that both parents would take care of the baby and she would equally have the attention of both mom and dad. I got up to my daughter at night, my husband was with her in the morning and afternoon. In the evening I always came home from work on time to feed her, wash her and put her to sleep. The division of duties in upbringing remains with us even now. The husband is raising sons, and I do not interfere in the process. My job is to educate girls. The husband takes all the children to the section, plans a summer vacation. We solve all issues of upbringing together and never interfere with children - we make comments and give advice to each other only in private. I think that husband and wife should be one team.
When a man takes care of a child so much, they develop a very close relationship, he begins to understand the baby as well as a mother. My husband has such a relationship with his daughter. But with his son, whom he did not care for so much, there is no longer such close contact. We noticed another interesting detail and found confirmation of this in the literature - the child's speech develops better when dad communicates with him a lot. Men have a low timbre of voice, which positively affects the development of the speech center in children. My daughter is now three years old, and she can already build long sentences.
And one more thing: when a man is actively involved in raising a child, his wife looks young and happy.
Papal rights:
For education
Caring for children, their upbringing is an equal right and duty of mothers and fathers (Article 38 of the Constitution of the Russian Federation).
In the case of separation of parents, the child has the right to communicate with each of them (clause 1, article 55 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation).
A parent living separately has the right to participate in the upbringing of children. The one with whom the children live does not have the right to interfere with this communication, if it does not harm the physical and mental health of the child and his moral development (clause 1, article 66 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation).
On parental leave
The father, like other close relatives, has the right to take parental leave (Article 256 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation).
At the request of the employee, the employer must grant the man a break from work. The manager has no right to refuse. Men who are on maternity leave receive benefits. Until the child reaches the age of one and a half years, it is paid by the employer. The amount is 40% of the average earnings.
For maternity capital
A man has the right to receive maternity capital if he is the only adoptive parent for a second child, which is confirmed by a court decision not earlier than January 1, 2007. Also, if the mother of the children died, she was deprived of parental rights, she committed a crime that threatens life and health her children.
upbringing
Maria Mayor-Kilimann
There lived two teenagers in a small village.
When the children were still small, their mother died, and now their father. Like this
and two brothers remained, two orphans alone. And they didn't have
no one in the whole white world.
The eldest of the brothers, who was sixteen, said to the youngest,
thirteen: “Listen brother. We were left alone without a mother and father. So nothing
they did not have time to teach us wisdom. Come on, I'll go to people, study
wisdom so that we know how to live then we go on. Until then, stay at home and
wait for me".
"Very well," replied the younger brother, "only promise me to return home as soon as possible."
They said goodbye and the older brother left.
Days... months... years passed. And there was no news from the older brother. He
everyone went from one village to another. From one city to another, learning
wisdom in people. So in time he became a lonely old sage. And walked
from village to village no longer learning from people, but teaching them. His people are
called the Sage. Once the old wise man went down the road that led him to
native village.
“Oh, is my brother still alive and where is he now?! - thought the sage - I wandered so much
on the ground, which I didn’t notice how quickly time flew by ”- and with these thoughts
he approached his home. Knocked on the gate, impatiently
waiting for the owners. Someone quickly walked up to the gate and opened it. It was
a gray-haired man, in whose features the wanderer immediately recognized his brother. They
joyful embraced each other and went into the yard together.
“Sit down brother on the bench. You can rest in the shade of this apple tree. drink fresh
some water, fresh from the well. Taste the fruits from our garden. Now I will say
wife that dear guests came before us, and she will cook something for us
delicious...."
Suddenly, with a cheerful laugh, two amazing creatures ran out of the house: a boy
and a girl, five or six years old. They were arguing about something and ran to their grandfather,
to resolve their dispute. “Hey, guys, be polite. What do you have there
happened? ... Here a dear guest has come to us. Come closer
get to know each other." The children approached a safe distance and began
consider an unfamiliar grandfather. "This is my brother, about whom I tell you a lot
told. So he finally returned home to teach me wisdom
life," said the grandfather pointedly. The children looked at him in admiration.
They were waiting for this new grandfather to finally start teaching their native language.
grandfather to all the wisdom of life. The girl began to rush him: “Come on,
quickly tell me what the main wisdom you have learned.
And the old sage began his story: “People say that a person should
build a house, plant a tree and give birth to a son ... And to complete this
super-tasks, the Universe sends each person his soul mate. To
to know it, you just need to open your heart. And listen only to your heart. AND
you will feel an amazing, unearthly feeling - love. And this means that
you found your soul mate, your goddess. And you want to create for your beloved
paradise of love. You will start building a house and plant a garden with your own hands. A
she will help you in everything. Then you will have children - the fruits of your love
and you will bring them up with love and wisdom. All your love and wisdom
multiplying them. Then grandchildren will appear and you will love them even more
wisdom. And when you are satisfied with life, joyful and peaceful you will return to
Heavenly abode, Home.
“Oh, how wise you have become, my brother. Why didn't you come home for so long?
I've been waiting for you for so long. I kept wanting to know how to live in wisdom. But I
I'm glad we're together again."
But then the boy intervened. "We have nothing new from you, sage,
heard. What you have now told us, our grandfather has known for a long time, and
we even know. We live by this wisdom."
The sage looked at the children, then at his brother and answered: “You know, brother. A
the boy is right. While I wandered the world and learned the wisdom of life from strangers
people, you received this wisdom from God and brought it to life. What about my
words?... Words without deeds are dead...”.
What is the meaning of human life?
What does it take to be happy? Have you tried answering these questions for yourself?
There is a definition: "A man must build a house, plant a tree and raise a son."
And so many of us take it literally - create a family, raise children. They equip, inherited from their parents or grandparents, or actually build or buy a house or apartment for themselves. They start a dacha or a garden, where they plant and grow, and more than one tree. But, all the same, there are, and very often, unhappy.
What is building a house?
Home is a place where love, kindness, understanding, mercy, help, care, tenderness, joy, happiness live. Home is the entire space of your life. Home is your home. Home is everything that is dear and dear to you, this is where you feel good.
You can also call yourself your home - a house or a temple for your soul. That is, first of all, each person must become a home for the soul. So that his soul blossomed and sang, and this song of the soul poured into the world, making it better.
What do we actually do - we build mansions for the body, we do European-style repairs, we buy expensive carpets, furniture, dishes. But this does not make our houses better - there is no warmth in them, there is no love. Yes, there is no time for the soul - sheer worries.
There is something to think about, isn't it?
What about planting a tree? What is meant by this? Of course, and a literal tree. Each of us must take care of nature. Must love and keep her. In his dacha or garden, everyone takes care of their seedlings and seedlings, their flowers and berries. He tries to water them, weed them, remove excess dirt during them. And in nature, when you go on a picnic or for mushrooms, fishing. How many of you clean up after yourself? How many of you put out the fires on which you cooked your barbecue? Our forests and parks, and just courtyard areas, have turned into a dump of garbage and dirt. And what is the use of the fact that in your country house everything shines with cleanliness, and there is garbage and dirt near your entrance or house?
But there is another meaning to "plant a tree". It is to enable the new generation to grow up and become the new tree of life, the Tree of Life. Your parents are the roots, you (family - spouses) are the trunk, your children are branches, your grandchildren are twigs, your great-grandchildren are leaves. But, each branch and twig, each leaf must grow its own Tree. So the family grove grows - the genus.
What is "create a family"? It is not easy to meet a person, fall in love, get married, give birth to a child, feed him, give him up for education first in a nursery, kindergarten, school, institute, etc. This is a very responsible work, and first of all, with yourself. Everyone must find those ways and compromises that will make communication in the family comfortable, calm and joyful, full of warmth and love. Everyone should try very hard - to raise their children reasonable and kind.
What is really happening today? There are two young people who do not have the right morals in their relationship to each other, since all the media today talk about free relationships, not about morality, but about immorality. Young people do not understand and do not know what love is. And there is a so-called falling in love, a sensual relationship. And, these two really want to escape from the custody of their parents, or one of the two thinks about their own benefit (money, an apartment, etc.), or it’s just the “last hope” to start a family, or it just so happened that the new person is already should soon be born. This is how a family is created. And today it is even called "marriage".
Where is love? Where in the relationship to each other is trust, understanding, kindness, desire to help, tenderness. Usually they are not. There is either attachment (habit), or any obligations (the same marriage contract), or small children "hold". But the attitude towards our children is purely everyday - to feed, clothe, educate in time, and the school, institute should be responsible for education, but not ourselves, we already spend a lot of money to provide our children with textbooks, a computer, clothes, food ; "so that they do not need anything," or be "no worse than others."
Where is the love for the child? Not lisping and indulging whims, not excessive guardianship, but love?
It is mom and dad who should be the first educators and teachers. It is mom and dad who should be the first comrades and friends.
It is mom and dad who should show their child the world into which he came. It is up to you to teach your child to love.
But how can you teach to love if you don't know how?
Love is a very deep feeling that must be kept in balance. Remember that "from love to hate is one step." Hatred comes from disappointment, from unfulfilled hopes.
And what did you yourself do to make all your hopes come true, to make your dream come true?
Love needs to be cultivated. And even just respect or deep affection can be grown to great love. This I tell you for sure. I went through it myself.
But for this you need to really love yourself and see in your partner, first of all, a person who has something to love for.
This is the kind of love that lasts for years. It's like in fairy tales: "They lived happily ever after and died on the same day."
We must try not to change another person with our moral teachings, but to change ourselves. Understand what is important in life for you and for him. Find compromises, and such that both you and your other half are calm and comfortable. So that in your relationship there are no omissions and even small ones, but deceptions. And this is a job for two spouses.
The simplest thing is to say that he (she) does not want to change himself, that you are already doing so much for a quiet family life that you are already tired of adapting and giving in.
And so do many families. And, children in such families grow up the same - ignorant of happiness - there was no one to learn from.
So much for "A man must build a house, plant a tree and raise a son."
It turns out that each of us must first educate himself. Understand yourself. Accept yourself. Learn to love, learn to give and receive love.
It's hard, but anyone can do it!
After all, this is why we came to this earth - to learn to love.
And I'm not talking about love as a relationship or feelings for another person, but about selfless, unconditional, boundless and pure love. This is love for yourself - as a temple of the soul, this is love for the world in which you live, this is love for the people who surround you, this is love for your roots - all your ancestors, this is love for God, as the Creator of everything and everyone, this is love for the person who is your soulmate, this is love for your children, the continuation of yourself, this is love for all living things and things.
But how do you learn to love?
Start changing yourself: "Change yourself, and the world will change around you!"
These are not just pretty words. This is a rule that each of us must follow if we want to live in a better world.
