funny horoscope 3.50 /5 (4 votes)
Aries is an emotional bastard.
If he is passionate about something, he does not bother to explain his actions to others, he simply acts as he sees fit. To ask for forgiveness - pride does not allow. I am convinced that the truth is in it.
Excuses: “Something rolled up”, “Damn beguiled” etc.
Taurus is a greedy bastard.
Obsessed with buying. A targeted avenger, always calculates the trajectory of the blow, to be sure.
Excuses: "You deserve this fate".
Gemini is a careless bastard.
She loves games, jokes, funny companies. The eternal dichotomy of evil and good. For the sake of a joke, he devalues the rules and traditions, depriving them of drama, sincerely not understanding what he is doing and quickly forgets about it.
Excuses: “Are you offended? WHY?"
Cancer is a miserable bastard.
Because of his vulnerability, vulnerability, susceptibility, he is always an "angel-like creature" innocently injured, while the opponent is a monster in a "devilish guise" even if Cancer himself is a champion in filth and dirty tricks. He will also make sure that the whole world knows how you have treated him unfairly.
Excuses: "It's your fault that I'm like this!"
Leo is a pompous bastard.
Well, everything is clear here, the crown presses, the greatness of the world distorts. Everything is divided into “He” and “the rest.” He is great, others are dust underfoot.
Excuses: "I so wanted to."
Virgo is a vindictive bastard.
In the eternal pursuit of perfection, impeccability and correctness, she draws her portrait of “God in the flesh on earth”, such a walking messiah and do not let you be imprudent to speak unsatisfactorily, unprofitably about her. Can wait long and hard for the right chance to remember.
Excuses: Triumphant "Do you remember …"
Libra is a mercantile bastard.
Windy and changeable. Great virtuosos extricate themselves from sticky situations. A real politician pursuing his own interests, if necessary, will promise, lie, slander.
Excuses: no. Got drunk and fled.
Scorpio is a top notch bastard.
A lover of creating a veil of mystery around himself such that he himself gets entangled in it, plus an unquenchable thirst for an ideal clouds their minds, forcing them to position themselves as an instrument of justice and retribution. If from their point of view you broke any rules, you should be punished.
Excuses: no.
Sagittarius is a bastard.
A very complex being, eager to prove himself in the field of social activity and quite successful in this matter. Tram squabbles, bazaar skirmishes, all kinds of quarrels and conflicts in which you can take your soul away - this is his element.
Excuses: raised tone, meaningless text, obscene language.
Capricorn is a stupid bastard.
Just as an ostrich hides its head in the sand, believing that there is no danger, so a capricorn, resting its horns “anywhere” does not want to see, feel and make decisions. Moreover, he firmly believes that if he persists in this way, the problem will be resolved by itself, and even according to his scenario, and when he sees the ashes around him, he will be stupidly surprised: “How did it happen?”.
Excuses: "It happened".
Aries is always pleased with himself, which is reflected on his face. He rarely thinks, says and does the same thing. Usually he does everything wrong, but just dare to tell him about it. Then you will regret that you were born into the world. There are legends about the stubbornness of Aries, and not surprisingly, a ram, he is a ram.
If he rests, you can't move him from his place. He always has two opinions on all events and phenomena, one is his, the other is wrong. Aries says that he is never wrong, and therefore he believes that God was most likely an Aries.
In love, Aries are just as stubborn as in everything else. And if he achieves someone's location, then he does this until the object of his passion gets tired of refusing him. And when he achieves the location of a partner, he himself does not know why he needed it.
In the process of the siege (it lasts a very long time), the object loses its attractiveness for him. Those who fall in love with Aries should only be sorry.
In the family, Aries loves to point out, but does not want to do anything. And from such a comfortable position for him, he would never be moved.
Cheerful horoscope for Taurus
Taurus is very stubborn, in this, he is similar to Aries. Only one who will admire Taurus, tell him that he is always right, and, meanwhile, passing off his ideas as the ideas of Taurus, will be able to convince him. Taurus women are very emotional and trusting.
She talks about her love relationships only in superlatives. And, if a man tells her that he cannot live without her, she really believes it.
Taurus men are hoarders and hoarders. They drag into the house everything they can get their hands on: old household appliances, broken furniture, a woman they don't need. And then they wonder why the house is so crowded and noisy (the noise is from a woman who also cannot understand why she was brought here).
Taurus are very fond of various conflicts and gladly take the most ardent part in them, not being interested in the cause of the conflict. And when they find out the reason for the showdown, they beat their chest and say: “Oh my, because of what nonsense they fought!”.
Cheerful horoscope for Gemini
Gemini are two very similar people rolled into one. Since they are very similar, it annoys them and they argue all the time. If one says, “I want this woman,” the other necessarily objects, “What do you need this slut for?” And as a result, the Gemini man chooses another, and then is surprised, “And what did I find in her?”.
Gemini women are contradictory and fickle in their passions. They change men so often that sometimes they don’t even have time to remember the name of the next partner. And in order not to completely get confused in the names of their counterparts, they call everyone the same “my Hercules”, until the next lover turns out to be a short, skinny man.
He, of course, takes such an appeal as a mockery. In everyday life, Gemini is very indecisive. They cannot make the right decision quickly, because one Gemini pulls in one direction, the other - (out of harm) in the other. And it turns out, as in the immortal work of V.I. Lenin "One step forward, two steps back"
Cheerful horoscope for Cancer
Cancers are very cowardly and shy. They are constantly afraid that they will be accused of what, so they try to please everyone and give everyone a bunch of impossible promises. They speak mainly in slogans and stereotypes, so that others do not suspect them of some ulterior motives.
Crayfish lie without blushing (red crayfish are only boiled) and very inventive. Not without reason, among politicians, there are so many Cancers.
In love, Cancers are very careful, meticulously and carefully choose a partner for themselves, even for life, even for the night. Rummaging and sorting out, as in the collapse of second-hand.
And when friends are surprised at such a long search for their beloved (beloved): “What are you choosing a cow for?” Cancers thoughtfully answer: “You can sell a cow, but with this (this) you will suffer all your life (night).
At work, Cancers are sycophants and sycophants, their bosses are gods and celestials, but if the opportunity arises (and it will be safe for Cancer), they will gladly set their feet on their beloved boss.
Cheerful horoscope for Leo
The lion is the king of animals in nature. People of the Leo zodiac sign never forget this. They are arrogant, selfish, always confident in their superiority and do not tolerate other people's opinions. You will be Leo's best friend if you constantly flatter him and praise his virtues.
Lions are very fond of hanging their portraits on the walls, and the larger the images, the better.
Lion women, like the females of the "black widow" spider, if they do not destroy their chosen one immediately after the night of love, then they gnaw at him for the rest of their lives, or until the partner has enough patience.
Leo men love only themselves, they are simply not capable of loving someone else. Therefore, they choose for themselves women who know only two words "yes" and "I obey."
Cheerful horoscope for Virgo
If your zodiac sign is Virgo, then your family and friends are terribly unlucky. You are obsessed with order, scrupulousness and cleanliness. Virgos are extremely accurate and methodical. The need to tidy up and restore cleanliness turns into a passion for them. If you get up from an armchair or sofa in Virgo's apartment, she immediately begins to smooth the cape and shake off non-existent dust from it.
If Virgo gets into a small car accident, then the first thing she says to the inspector who comes up about the second participant in the accident is: “No wonder this teapot had an accident, look how dirty his car is!”.
A mandatory item in the house of the Virgo is a magnifying glass. With her help, she examines all the furnishings in the house, so she is looking for dust particles.
Virgo also strictly plans love relationships, meetings, and sex with her partner take place on schedule.
Cheerful horoscope for Libra
Scales are languid and graceful and full of incomprehensible mystery and incomprehensible, to the rest of mankind, nobility. They like to dress fashionably and carefully follow fashion. Their craving to look fashionable is so great that if someone assures them that it is fashionable: Libra women will put on a skirt inside out, and men will wear a shirt instead of trousers and tie it in a knot at the waist.
Libra loves to teach everyone and explain everything to everyone. For example, with tenacity worthy of a better application, they will tell you how coffee latte differs from coffee with milk. And it is useless to object to them that they are one and the same.
In love, Libras are mysterious and unpredictable. Sometimes the chosen one (chosen one) of Libra cannot understand what the Libra partner is trying to say. Either he invites you to an intimate date, or he says goodbye forever.
Cheerful horoscope for Scorpio
Scorpios consider themselves irresistible personalities, they can look in the mirror for hours and admire their own person. They are great inventors and are always full of grandiose plans, but as soon as it comes to putting these plans into practice, they stop at the very first difficulties, while saying “I didn’t really want to.”
Scorpios are very loving and obscenely sexy. They are proud of their love victories and talk about it on every corner. Here is just one small nuance, Scorpio men like such women, looking at whom the rest of the men say: “No, I can’t drink so much vodka,” and Scorpio women choose for themselves such chosen ones, about whom we can say that they just got off yesterday tree or crawled onto land.
Cheerful horoscope for Sagittarius
Sagittarius are such adventurers that it is simply dangerous to be near them. They may offer you to jump with a parachute, assuring you that they have done it a hundred times and even offer to fold your parachute. Do not agree to anything, otherwise, their satisfied face will be the last thing you see in life.
Do not try to introduce your chosen one (chosen one), if it is Sagittarius, to your parents. The ancestors will be shocked.
Sagittarians are careless and unfaithful lovers. Having parted with you in the evening, assuring you of his passionate love, in the morning he may simply not remember you.
Cheerful horoscope for Capricorn
Capricorns are a kind of mixture of Leo and Virgo. They believe that they are as charismatic as Leos and as logical as Virgos. In fact, they have the self-importance of Lions and the despondency of Devs.
Capricorns are terrible workaholics, but they work with such a gloomy and dull look that they just want to say: “Put on a different face, a little more fun.”
In love, Capricorns are pessimists. His chosen one (chosen one) can prove his love a hundred times, but Capricorn is firmly convinced that he will certainly be abandoned. What happens most often is that the partner gets tired of fighting the universal despondency of Capricorn.
Cheerful horoscope for Aquarius
Aquarians are the most "knowledgeable" people in the world. Ask Aquarius what Nadezhda Krupskaya was ill with in her childhood or what stars the Sagittarius constellation consists of, and he will tell you everything with a smart look and very extensively.
Aquarians are very fond of their body, they love to be naked, and therefore they are very willing to visit nudist beaches.
Aquarians are wonderful lovers, and if you still listen to them constantly, agree with everything and admire their vast knowledge, Aquarius will love you like Romeo.
Cheerful horoscope for Pisces
Pisces are very vindictive creatures, God forbid, offend this sign. Outwardly, they will not show that they are offended, but later on you will regret for a long time that you offended Pisces.
Pisces are very slow in everything, and they are the same drivers. If you see that a car is driving along the highway at a speed of 40-50 km per hour, be sure that a representative of this sign is driving.
In love, Pisces are cold and predictable, it's about them they say "snulled fish." But they consider themselves to be almost Scorpions in a love relationship.
Dear ladies, as well as gentlemen, I propose to have fun and read the horoscope, but unusual. This is black humor and for people without a sense of this very humor, we kindly ask you not to read, otherwise there may be resentment for your loved one.
In this horoscope there is not a single good characteristic for any sign.
But you can have fun while reading the horoscope of your friends.
So, let's begin?
We read about ourselves and say - it's not true, we read about others and say, well, for sure!
Horoscope for Aries
The aggressor is primitive, cruel and warlike. Inhibited to such an extent that it is difficult to learn elementary things. I would love to plant a pig at any opportunity, but fortunately he does not know how to do this.
Constant in his predilection to try the next gate for strength. The simplicity of his soul smacks of vulgarity, aggravated by drinking his favorite drink - beer.
When drunk, he can make scandals and rowdy. As a child, he usually dreams of making a career as an astronaut or a military man, and therefore constantly starts fights. Becoming an adult turns into a bore, likes to talk about himself, completely oblivious to others.
In a family, a ram must be protected from money, otherwise he will quickly attach legs to them, without even noticing where he spent it.
Taurus Horoscope
Greedy, tedious sucker and scammer. He never argues with his superiors, strictly fulfills all his whims, not taking them seriously.
Hidden, in public an altruist (a woman is a martyr), and in her soul is the center of the universe, despising everyone.
Money is his main idol, he loves them and constantly hides them in a stocking. He will take off his last shirt, but not from himself.
Behind external politeness and affection hides an egoist with sadistic inclinations, which manifest themselves in the terrorism of his own family, from childhood to old age.
Taurus doesn't trust anyone, not even themselves. Usurps all the privileges he can get his hands on.
Horoscope for Gemini
More than anything else, he loves to chat, pouring from empty to empty.
He reads superficially, which, however, does not prevent him from having his own opinion about everything, which, however, can easily change to the completely opposite several times a week.
With age, the twin falls into contemplation, finds a calling in acting or writing.
Does not tolerate mental or physical stress.
He loves guests, but treats them more often with his chatter, at best - with tea and cakes.
Horoscope for Cancer
A failure from birth. Self-contemplative conservative and opportunist. Does not change his own beliefs, but is always ready to argue in order to ridicule his opponent, while growing in his own bulging eyes.
Out of fear, it can attack first, but usually escapes in its hole, at the first sign of approaching danger. She adores her mink more than anything in the world and cherishes and cares for her with pleasure.
Finds pleasure in slandering others, playing a strong and confident master of the situation. In his heart he is cowardly to colic, loves loneliness and peace.
Horoscope for Leo
Drunkard and extortionist since childhood. At an early age, he extorts money from his parents, then from friends and acquaintances.
The rest is extremely lazy. His inflated pride and vanity can poison anyone's life, and gluttony can clean any pocket. At the same time, the lion rarely gets fat.
The whole world must revolve around him, and for this he strives to be the first, otherwise, he wilts and is significantly reduced in size.
Impenetrable megalomania, self-worth and infallibility.
Virgo
In charm, the charm of an elephant has the mind of a rabbit. Petty and mean, boring and grumpy.
Brings others to white heat with his pedantry and nit-picking, both at home and at work.
She has no imagination, she always makes the most detailed, boring guide to action for herself and her loved ones, despite their objections.
Virgo is always guided by common sense and calculation, and everything she does is solid, solid and boring.
In addition, the maiden is a master of intrigue, you will not envy her enemies - she will not calm down until she settles scores up to the tenth generation.
Scales
Potential losers. Handless, blind and deaf.
They have no sense of humor, no self-esteem, as well as money. They are unlucky in love, with work and with household chores.
They are not able to surprise, flash, earn or just make a decision. When such a need arises, they tremble and faint, until people close to them make this decision for them.
They often pose as connoisseurs of art, although the scales themselves do not understand anything. They love to write tearful memoirs.
Scorpion
Schemer, deceiver and traitor. Dangerous, even at a distance.
Can intrigue out of sheer pleasure. To achieve his goals, he does not hesitate by any means.
Sadist and masochist rolled into one. He spends a lot of effort and money to create a good opinion about himself, in order to then treacherously strike from the rear.
Makes a career by going over the heads. If you hear from a scorpion that he values \u200b\u200byour friendship, it means that most recently he took a denunciation of you to his superiors.
Soul does not cherish in vulgar jokes and pornographic films. He likes to spread rumors about his sexual exploits, cruelly mocking those who love him.
Sagittarius
Usually looks like a joyful idiot, and more often than not, he is. His cretinous optimism and assertiveness cannot cool even a brick that accidentally fell on his head.
After talking with him for a few minutes, there is a desire to quietly finish him off.
From early childhood, Sagittarius loves to impose himself on everyone with his society and with his stupid ideas.
A militant optimist, representing a lot of trouble in family life. A lover of lying and inventing, as he explains, from the best of intentions.
He loves noisy gatherings and places where you can drink and eat for free.
Capricorn
Cruel, cold and soulless, like a block of ice. A policeman at home, a tyrant at work.
He sees his meaning of life in the suppression and tyranny of others, clings to trifles, completely devoid of a sense of humor.
Terrorizes the wife (husband) and beats the children. Passes only before physical or mental strength.
A primitive, devoid of imagination, but vindictive and vindictive: he forgives nothing to anyone.
A rare cocktail of megalomania, inferiority complex and minimal mental and psychic abilities. Therefore, usually Capricorn climbs into the bosses.
Lack of determination, capricious nature and simply fantastic laziness lead to the fact that sometimes it is not easy to withstand the company of Libra. You can never know for sure whether their "yes" means consent, and "no" - its absence. Have you proposed a hand and heart to a Libra girl or received it from a man of this sign, and is it going to the wedding? Believe me, it’s premature to think over the style of the outfit and the list of invitees: Libra will change his mind ten more times. These poor fellows are sometimes not able to make a decision on their own, even buying a bunch of dill on the market for them is filled with Shakespearean drama.
This is the type of customers and buyers that awaken the bloodthirsty instincts in others. The queue is ready to kill them because they always have time to carefully inspect every apple they buy. Libra love to tinker, and in the store both sellers and those unfortunates who managed to accompany Libra hang themselves from them. They will kill anyone, choosing between almost the same things.
Do not be under the illusion that in a conflict situation at home or at work, they will take your side: they are conformists to the marrow of their bones. But this is even for the best, because having Libra allies is simply terrible. As soon as the situation escalates, they begin to cowardly huddle in the corners, explaining this with weak nerves. On the other hand, no one except Libra will be able to ascribe to himself heroic achievements that he has never accomplished with such dexterity and grace, and convince others of this.
Charming Libra changes looks more often than gloves. But a pattern can be traced: they always support those who are in power. Often they do not have their own opinion. Women can join the ranks of feminists, fight against discrimination, take part in writing high-profile declarations during the day, and in the evening, in the company of friends, laugh at women's quirks.
Libra does not like to work, they hate to overwork, their favorite pastime is lying on the couch and discussing others. But you have to live for something, so they start looking for generous sponsors quite early. But these are not evil people, sometimes they can even lend a shoulder, and not for mercantile purposes, but solely out of love for humanity. They give the impression of gentle, defenseless, sad people, so often others have a desire to take them under guardianship. This is a very dangerous impulse, because it’s something, and Libra knows how to masterfully compost brains.
They are able to exude compliments, look romantic, but their highly spiritual ideals are almost always outweighed by the insensitivity of nature. An accountant lives in each of Libra, so these people create a family solely on the basis of common sense. The Libra woman will never pay attention to the erratic need. It can be true, but in its own way: only if the husband earns well, and the lover skillfully entertains. She quickly picks up her husband with all the giblets, but is stingy with affection and constantly groans because of the eternal migraine. Easily and naturally spends his hard-earned money on countless outfits, cosmetics, jewelry. And just try to refuse her something! It will arrange such a woman's hysteria that you will remember this show for many years, for sure it will not do without screaming, blackmail and even fainting.
A man of this zodiac sign tends to care more about his car than about his wife. Home thankless work is not for him, because he does not like to get his hands dirty. But his trousers should always be perfectly ironed (of course, by his wife), and his shirt should be fresh every day. In the eternal search for bright ideals, he has absolutely no time to learn how to sew on buttons or do the cleaning. He will talk about modernist art with more pleasure than take out the trash can. When his unfortunate and overworked wife gets old, he will change her without batting an eyelid for a younger model. After all, Libra is primarily aesthetes, so they cannot deprive themselves of pleasant spectacles!
The vanity of Libra knows no bounds. There is probably more than one large mirror in their house, in which they admiringly look at themselves and track every slightest wrinkle - the number one enemy. Over time, they spend a fortune on anti-aging treatments, and after forty they pretend that they are 20, not taking into account that not everyone around them has poor eyesight. At work and in the circle of acquaintances, Libra ladies ruthlessly pursue every pretty woman who has the audacity to be young. Men of this zodiac sign experience their second youth even worse than whooping cough babies. Pulling in their bellies and dressing in the clothes of grown-up sons, they begin to hit on their classmates and classmates. They can compete with younger rivals for the favor of a beautiful girl, which is why they often become a laughingstock.
ARIES
21.03 TO 20.04
- Who is our workaholic?
"Who can't stand it when they're superior in some way?"
Whose walk is like running? Who is this?
- It's him, the ever-excited and aggressive Aries!
Aries - Star Ram (or Sheep) - has brilliant positive inclinations and diligence, but he is often irritable, stubborn and quick-tempered. The heat of his passions knows no bounds, and his desire to insist on his own can turn into despotism. He is impulsive and unpredictable.
Aries is an individualist and does not give in to someone else's will. His own strong will knows no limit, the active mind pushes forward without fear of obstacles. However, Aries is not good with people. Hence the usual disappointment for him in dealing with people.
Often - aggressive to the extreme, angry-blunt type, militant and cruel primitive, deeply convinced that happiness should be with burning tears, and good - with pood fists.
Mentally retarded, Aries has difficulty remembering simple things since childhood. Thinking he's blushing from the effort. He would have planted a pig more than once if he could. As a child, Aries dreams of becoming a military or astronaut and therefore constantly starts fights.
From youth, Aries is emotionally easily excitable, but shows either amazing indifference, reaching apathy, or unexpected outbursts of anger with minor setbacks. He does not tolerate objections, and reasonable arguments have no effect on him.
When drunk, Aries is prone to scandals.
His vulgar soul, Baran, is wide open for drinking companions. Likes beer with salty jokes. True, his jokes are flat and rude, and their main subject is the physiological functions of the body. This humor is a characteristic symptom of underdevelopment, or damage to the frontal lobes of the brain, and it is called "frontal humor" in psychiatry. Baran's conversation is like the eloquence of the deaf and dumb. "What, you don't have hands to talk to?" - Aries' favorite saying.
Aries has neither artistic flair, nor good manners, nor the ability to keep himself in society, nor care for his appearance.
In family life, he must be kept away from money - he will spend everything instantly, but he himself does not know where. In society, he is boring: he can talk about himself for hours without noticing others.
All his life, Aries-Baran is busy looking for new (or not so) gates.
Sheep Wives are ambitious and aggressive, but they, constantly drinking their husbands, push them to success, because they have no equal in ambition and enthusiasm.
Sheep husbands are irresponsible. They are difficult to tie to the house. They need companions who would take them with an iron fist.
Aries is a sign of health with a reasonable lifestyle.
Aries should avoid in marriage and friendship Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces. Must look for Libra, Sagittarius, Leo.
CALF
from 21.04 to 21.05
- Who smiles from ear to ear, if he does not contradict?
Who thinks they know the most?
- Who likes fashionable things?
- Who loves baked, and boiled, and fried?
- Oh, it's him, the stubborn and carnivorous Taurus!
A healthy and mercantile boor, Taurus achieves his goal through perseverance and patience. Doesn't give up on things he wants to do. Rarely listens to advice and can suddenly act ahead. More guided by feelings than by reason.
In anger, he is like an angry bull, and his anger is long: he does not forget and does not forgive insults. As a child, Taurus loved to torture animals.
The main disadvantages of Taurus: boringness, lack of imagination, stinginess, a pessimistic view of things, stubbornness, cruelty to themselves and others, callousness. Taurus is conservative in their views.
Petty and boring, Taurus is a sucker and an informer. In life, he keeps his nose to the wind and follows all the instructions of his superiors.
The Taurus man loves to pose as an altruist, and the woman is a martyr. At the same time, Taurus, an actor by nature, actually despises everyone, considering himself in the depths of his soul to be the center of the universe.
Taurus loves wealth, but hoards covertly, albeit relentlessly. He, "the unfortunate ripped off" (A.N. Ryzhov), is ready to take off his last shirt from his neighbor.
In general, the Sign of Taurus (Golden Calf!) is the sign of a banker, and this Taurus should be remembered.
Most of the Taurus love to smoke (more than other signs of the zodiac), and they hardly wean from smoking. But because of his stinginess, Taurus can smoke all sorts of rubbish - from self-garden to cheap "weed".
In company, Taurus can prove to be a pleasant conversationalist, amiable, dexterous, mobile, but sometimes at the same time he becomes painful due to lack of tact, due to his flaunting rudeness, undisguised selfishness and excessive chatter.
In their youth, Taurus has many novels, but soon they realize that marriage is more important to them than success in love.
Taurus enters into marriage by calculation. Very jealous. He also chooses his mistress (lover) according to calculation. Nevertheless, among Taurus, more often than among other Zodiac Signs, there are homosexuals.
An egocentric with sadistic inclinations, Taurus terrorizes the family from childhood to old age, although outwardly it seems polite and affectionate to outsiders. His children must "walk on the line." All family finances are in his (her) hands, and only he (she) has the right to dispose of them.
The Taurus woman is pleasant, but those around her can be overwhelmed by her excessive practicality. She chooses her partner carefully. From her husband, she will always demand both moral and material compensation for the youth and beauty given to him.
Taurus women usually know better than other Zodiac signs how to keep a man with them. But it is from Taurus women that the most terrible and unbearable old maids are obtained.
Taurus does not trust anyone, even himself, and therefore the Taurus husband is painfully jealous.
Being a usurper of all the privileges that he can reach, Taurus in the family is the center and unquestioning manager. He looks different at work, where he is the most helpful member of the team. The authorities favor him.
In general, Taurus, being by nature firmly and firmly sewn, is healthy, hardy and energetic. He is born with a strong constitution and can live to an advanced age without any disease. Most of his illnesses stem from excessive work, drinking, smoking, and love affairs. When ill, Taurus does not recover for too long, falling into despondency and discouragement.
Taurus does not have an inferiority complex, and therefore the best career for him can be a career in politics, a military man or an athlete.
Taurus and Scorpio are two opposites to each other. The union of Taurus with Virgo, Capricorn, Aquarius is not always favorable. Taurus should avoid Pisces and Cancer. Libra and Sagittarius can become partners of Taurus, as well as Leo for love and friendship.
TWINS
from 22.05 to 21.06
- Who likes to make fun of others?
- And who does not tolerate ridicule over himself?
- Who loves endless attention to themselves?
- Of course, these are twins who are always quarreling!
from 22.06 to 22.07
- Who is changeable, like capricious weather: sometimes he fasts, sometimes he allows himself everything?
- And who can hope for the sympathy of this, the most in need of sympathy,
- thick-shelled Cancer?
Cancerians are self-contained losers and fatalists who do not believe that they can change their lives. This leads them to passivity, laziness and inertia.
Among all the Signs of the Zodiac, Cancer is the first contender for the role of an energy vampire, sucking energy from the psychosphere of the environment.
If the Moon is "strong" in the horoscopic birth chart of Cancer (this can only be established by a professional astrologer), then Cancer risks being a "lunar vampire". But we will not need the services of an astrologer to recognize a lunar vampire in Cancer: Cancer-Lunar Vampires are whiners for life, constantly "crying into a vest" and waiting for sympathy. They strive to "load" their wife (husband), and friends, and neighbors, and acquaintances with their experiences, in order to at least partially "load" their cross on them. These abilities of the lunar vampire are closely related to the phases of the moon, escalating during periods of full moon. The Moon controls the Lunar Vampire Cancers, determining the ups and downs of their mood. Cancers are susceptible to the mood of others: at the time of depression, they need to communicate on a psychological level with people who can bring them out of this mood. As soon as the mood of others worsens, Cancer will feel great relief, mental uplift and will come out of a state of mental depression.
If in the horoscopic birth chart of Cancer the Moon is "weak" (this can only be established by a professional astrologer), then Cancer runs the risk of being a "solar vampire". But we can also recognize him without an astrologer, since Cancers-Solar Vampires are brawlers by nature. They choose a victim who is weak and stressed, impose their problem on her and provoke her to argue. The scandals perpetrated by the solar vampire are constant and have nothing to do with the phases of the moon.
"Cancer is hysterical and a liar. If he does not lie, then he is hysterical; if he is not hysterical, then he is lying" (astrologer A.N. Ryzhov).
Cancers are sensual, easily vulnerable and therefore terribly suspicious and touchy. They never forgive anyone for wrongs.
In their work, Cancers are relatively honest and almost reliable, but they do not like innovation. They have a heightened intuition, reaching mysticism, hiding it from others, because they don’t like to stand out from the crowd to the point of stomach cramps.
In life, Cancer is a loser. He is a conservative and opportunist, immersed in introspection. Nothing can change his beliefs. Upon learning that the suit fits him well, Cancer will drag him to the holes.
Cancer argues against any statement from the spirit of contradiction in order to mock the opponent and grow in his own bulging eyes.
From fear, Cancer can attack first, but usually, sensing danger, flees to its hole, to a place that cares and cherishes more than anything else. He gladly denigrates everyone and everything, pretending to be the master of the situation and pretending to be strong and self-confident. In fact, he is afraid of everyone to colic.
Cancer considers everyone to be idlers, for whom he works alone. Everyday work disgusts him, and he imperceptibly shoves it onto others.
It is difficult to find the object of love for Cancer because of his high claims, and having fallen in love, he can pursue the object of love for years.
Cancers are the mothers of all Zodiac Signs. They are good housewives, but usually they love their children more than their spouse. Yes, and they love them like a mother.
Cancers rarely marry at an early age, as they hardly leave their parental home and are too attached to their mother. Cancers are possessive and very jealous. Family for Cancer is his fortress.
Cancer is the only Sign of the Zodiac that can find mutual understanding with all others, but finds special happiness with Scorpio, Virgo, Capricorn and Pisces.
from 23.07 to 23.08
- Who is proud of everything that is related and close to him?
- And who expects the same from his entourage?
- And just can not stand their insensitive look?
- Ah, this is he, the loving and regal LION!
Of course, not everyone is called to rule the empire and the world, but those born under the Sign of Leo have the greatest chance of leadership. Lions are called to both rule and love. They are deeply unhappy if they are not worshipped. They are noble when it does not destroy their power charisma. The world for Leo is a huge stage on which a play written for his dramatic talent is played out. His unattainable arrogance can poison the life of everyone.
"Do not excite the system called Leo, otherwise he will lose his balance and fall on top of you. I didn’t say a word about the vestibule: I'm talking about excitation" (according to A.N. Ryzhov).
At first glance, Leos are confident in themselves, but in reality they are characterized by doubts. They are very concerned about their appearance (especially women). And they love a fat wallet very much.
Leos are generous to those, only to those they love. They are not receptive to the mood of others and never notice the hints they make.
Lions are poorly versed in people, and therefore Lions are conquered by flattery and praise. They are ambitious, shameless and aggressive. At the same time, they are also arrogant.
From early childhood, Leo has a penchant for drinking and extortion. As a child, he extorts money from his parents, then from friends and acquaintances. His exaggerated pride and vanity can poison anyone's life, and gluttony can ruin any pocket. However, he rarely gets fat.
“To screw in a screw for Leo is everything, kranty. First of all, this is not a royal affair! He won’t unscrew it: he will knock him out with an ax along with the wall to his neighbor.
Leo is a locksmith? Well, it's a defective Lion! He must have square genitals. Can't be. Their hands do not grow from there. Here is a senior locksmith, this is yes! ”(According to A.N. Ryzhov).
Leos love to earn big money and even more like to spend it. They borrow a lot, give away, spend, and in general - often live beyond their means.
Lions are the most reckless and avid players in cards, lotto, billiards, but their luck is very doubtful. At the same time, they are incorrigible cheaters.
Leo has the highest success rate of all the signs of the zodiac, but he also has the worst failures.
Leo loves the whole world to revolve around him, therefore he always strives to be the first in everything, if this does not work out, he grows weak and noticeably shrinks in size. He has an unshakable sense of his own greatness, value and infallibility.
Pride is the enemy of Leo, especially if it is not justified by anything. In these cases, mental inflation sets in: depression, quirks, abusive morbid humor. Then he becomes an arrogant and pompous person, punishing others for his unfulfilled ambitions of a tyrant. He becomes a slave to his vices, a petty and restless adventurer who considers only himself. The "Napoleonic complex" that developed against the background of all this can sometimes bring Leo to a madhouse.
They say about Leo that he growls more often than he bites.
Leo's ideal partners are Libra, Cancer, Sagittarius, Aries, Gemini. Lviv has a mutual coldness with Aquarius and with Taurus.
VIRGO
from 24.08 to 23.09
- Who criticizes everything he sees and hears?
- Who analyzes each of his and each of our sneeze?
- Who loves and cherishes even their own illnesses?
- Of course, this is Virgo, a practical bore!
Those born under the sign of Virgo are intelligent and have an analytical mind, but they think too much of themselves. In others, he appreciates only erudition, and therefore often loses friends. For happiness, Virgos often lack ease of communication, although many people born under this Sign have achieved high results in their chosen activities.
But know: if, after a few minutes of communicating with an intelligent person, you want to dismember him and send his remains to several non-existent addresses, this person, according to the horoscope, is most likely Virgo.
Virgo - "Woe from Wit": she constantly chews her mental chewing gum, conducting a mental dialogue with herself, building cages in her mind (not always golden), in which she prefers to live.
Virgo has the charm of a pink-faced toad, the gracefulness of an elephant from a china shop, the brains of a calculator.
Virgos are petty, stingy, boring and grumpy. With their tediousness and their nit-picking, Virgos can ruin any business and bring anyone to white heat. Virgo never improvises, and makes up the most detailed, boring and detailed action plans for herself and her loved ones, despite their protests.
Virgo is meticulous when it comes to spending, but she spends a lot. Her sayings: "A miser pays twice" and "If you don't pay extra, you don't inform." Virgo buys expensive things without haggling. However, Virgos love to wear things out and are hesitant to throw away old clothes.
Virgo's pedantry is unbearable. She has a cold calculation in everything, and everything she does is heavy and boring.
The virgins are masters of intrigue, and they will not rest until the entire race of their enemies has been plagued to the tenth generation.
The most terrible marriage, like a cannonball chained to the leg of a prisoner, is "Virgo + Virgo", which Leo Tolstoy had.
Of the negative traits of Virgos, the most repulsive of friends and acquaintances from them is their eternal moralism, bordering on their hypocrisy and their narrow-mindedness.
The body of the Virgo does not feel like a part of nature. He does not have the energy of Aries, the reserve of vitality of Taurus, the elasticity of Gemini, the endurance of Cancer, the resistance of Leo. It is perishable, it tires easily, it often looks painful.
The typical disease of Virgo is constipation and intestinal spasms that threaten to poison the entire system if they are too long. From them, Virgo develops merichlundia (bad mood) and even indigestia (indigestion). But Virgo has a first-class system of iron nerves, and she knows how to deal with health problems. Here is the Virgo's credo: "Beauty will be saved by an enema!".
Virgo monitors the symptoms and does not allow the bad to worsen. True, as a rule, this leads to an exaggerated attention to health, to a mania for cleanliness, to a fear of germs, which excludes all normal contacts, which can even result in sexual abstinence. It is also true that the Virgo's obsession with the mania of cleanliness is periodic, and the very next day the Virgo can get into the mud up to her ears.
The virgins are rude in a Jesuit way: with a delicate narrow-lipped grin, they throw out a whole bag of arguments they have collected. At the same time, their eyes become prickly, and their nose becomes a nose-trunk. And one more thing: when they are rude, they do not lie and do not think anything. These are such infections and ulcers!
Virgo has no natural instinct to do anything. If their heart is caught, they retreat, go into cover to think. They hate and fear all uncertainty and expectation. Passion seems to Virgo a disease of the soul, which the mind must heal. Virgos analyze their feelings, trying to minimize them with the help of reason, doubt, debate and ridicule, nevertheless being attached to the object of passion more than they think.
Virgo is hot ice, and therefore does not pour out her love with words, preferring deeds to words. Tenderness seems to Virgo a form of humiliation, and she considers herself above love lisping. The ingenious slow-witted Virgo often "remains on the beans", being unable to choose, like Buridan's donkey, one of the two, and that is why not a single Sign has more bachelors and old maids, isolated in a cage until the end of days or, as they say, "in an ivory tower".
Virgo men take the 1st place in terms of impotence among all Zodiac Signs.
For Virgo, alliance with Capricorn, Taurus, Scorpio and Cancer is favorable, but she should avoid Aries and Sagittarius.
