Good day to all community members! I mustered up the courage to ask you publicly for help, because I feel that it can be useful for me to at least look at my situation from a different angle. And without your help, on my own, it is difficult for me to do this.
Characters: I am a 27 year old girl and my partner is a 29 year old man. We got together recently, a little less than three months ago. Both are accustomed to consider themselves personalities formed and more or less clearly representing what we need from a relationship and from each other. Almost immediately they began to live together: I had no one to continue renting an apartment with, and he had long wanted to move out of his parents' apartment, where enough relatives were crowded anyway. Actually, this pragmatic view of life brings us together, among other communities.
I am quite economic, very attractive, I cook delicious lunches and dinners, do not waste money and support my man morally. He is sexy, purposeful, not greedy, with hands from the right place, attentive and caring. He likes me and he drives me crazy.
And everything is almost perfect, except for one. I used to express my emotions (especially positive ones) as openly as possible. I love hugs, kisses, caresses, sex, of course, too. I like to say compliments, just smile at my partner.
And he, on the contrary, is very emotionally closed. Does not say affectionate words, does not hug. And, what is most terrible, he has never yet initiated even in sex. He explains this by the fact that once, long before he met me, all these warm manifestations stumbled upon a wall of indifference and rejection from another girl, and since then he decided to abandon the emotional side of the relationship. He says that it is better to prove his sympathy with deeds than to be exchanged for words or hugs. And as for sex, he said he was always not very interested in it. It seems to sound reasonable, but a compliment is a compliment, what can you replace it with?
By the way, we didn’t have a candy-bouquet period as such either: somehow I don’t need these gifts and trips to the cinema, but I can’t speak for the guy, although I got the impression that he is not particularly special in planning this kind leisure.
He has a hobby, where, in my opinion, he "sells" all unrealized sexual energy. In addition, he is used to working hard. But when I tried to convey to him that there is such a thing as sublimation, my answer was: "I think you're bothering."
Another time I said: "If you once forbade yourself to show feelings by an effort of will, then in the same way you can return to this if you want." To which he replied: "Yes. But I don't want to."
It seems to me that he even seems to be proud of this trait of his, because more than once he said jokingly, laughing: "I'm generally an insensitive brute" or something like that.
And this constant position of the asker is already starting to hit me on self-esteem - sex is served as if a man is doing me a favor. That is, through his remarks "maybe not today?" and "let's sleep better?".
If I explain and (again!) ask him to do everything that is so important to me, then it will be like pressure. And I don't want to push at all.
On the other hand, I had an experience in my life when I fell in love with a guy, suffered for more than a year, he was also seemingly cold because of an unfinished relationship with another girl, but a drop pierced the stone, and we spent several happy years together. That is, based on past experience, there is an option to simply continue to love unrequitedly and wait for the result. But, firstly, I am no longer 20 years old, I have lost this endless romantic patience and I want a result, if not here and now, then at least in the more or less foreseeable future. And secondly, now I’m still with a different person, and it’s not a fact that what worked with one will work just as smoothly with the second. Maybe he will take my behavior for granted, and, without bothering, continue to behave as he used to.
I made an attempt to act on the contrary and not show my feelings in any way. Like, to feel for yourself that something is wrong between us. But she quickly abandoned this tactic, as I am afraid that mutual cold will have a detrimental effect on relations. I myself somehow feel uncomfortable when I have to constantly restrain myself. It's like a fire inside of me is going out.
But to my partner, sometimes my manifestation of feelings seems superfluous. But I already went to meet him, now I don’t kiss in transport or when he is busy with something, I don’t demand sex every day.
Maybe I'm not right at all in my desire to remake an adult? Then how can I come to terms with this trait of his, so as not to slip into the thought of playing with one goal?
After all, everything else is wonderful. I absolutely do not want to assert myself on the side. I want to build a strong and trusting relationship with this particular person.
Thank you all in advance for your opinions and advice. They are very important to me now.
UPD from 23.12.
I would like to thank everyone who expressed their opinion yesterday. Inspired by your support, I decided to move the matter forward.
Sorry for some intimate details that have to be told.
When we went to bed, I began, as usual, to pester him, after about three minutes I interrupt the caresses and ask the question with the most caring intonation: "Are you tired, probably very much? Maybe it's better not to touch you?" to which I get the answer: "No, well, a little bit is possible."
If it is possible, then we continue .. In response, he begins to caress me with his hands, and I feel that I am already close to orgasm. I ask: "What, we will not make love?" In response, a crumpled: "Yes, nuuu, you're out already now ... almost ..." - "And? And you?" - "But I do not want".
Here it is, here we go. Then I started a conversation, which I will try to reproduce from memory below:
"Why don't you want me at all if you say you like me?"
(annoyed) - Maybe because I'm tired?
Why do you agree then?
“But you can’t always fit in with me.”
- You understand that such a situation, when I seem to be begging you for sex all the time, does not suit me either. I'm not an animal with stupid instincts. The psychological component is also important to me. And I absolutely do not want you to do anything through "I do not want."
- In life, you have to do a lot through "I don't want to." I go to work the same way.
- That's it. There must be at least a different atmosphere at home. Let's do this: I, as an experiment, temporarily stop any initiative on my part. Sex will be only when you yourself want it. Is it coming?
- Well, that's where you start. Everything was good.
- Yes, how good is it if I force you to have sex?
We managed to drive this dialogue in a vicious circle several times.
In addition, the phrase was said: "Usually, after such conversations, all my relationships ended." - "You said that the girls themselves left you?" - "Yes, at first they begin to pierce the brain, which means that she will leave soon." I had to explain that I don’t hack the brain, and there was no thought of leaving - quite the contrary.
Another important statement that sounded at the very beginning of the dialogue: "I understood everything, I will work on myself." - "Stop, where to work, if, relatively speaking, we have not even outlined the front of the work?!"
From the confusion I wrote, I can draw conclusions: the past relationship experience was really so unsuccessful that a man is now afraid to even touch on an interpersonal issue. In his opinion, any conversation is a brain drain, and there is nothing good behind it.
Conclusion 2: he values our relationship and is ready to "work on himself" and even believes, presumably, that he is already doing a great job, responding to my caresses against his will.
And one more important statement: “Yes, I am falling in love, this whole euphoria ... But this state lasts a maximum of a week. Then something like a habit comes. Now I feel very good, it is very pleasant to return home, to see you there, but I immediately I switch to other horizons and activities." And, what is most interesting, I completely understand it. What she told him. But I have such a state comes in a year or two after the start of the relationship, not in a week. So how to smooth out this resonance? It seems that both are ready to change something, but I have no ideas how to achieve this.
It seems to me that the advice of maria_shipovnik may well give results. First, give maximum pleasure, and then make you miss all this. Fortunately, I'll be away for a week during the winter holidays.
Or really, as dubsista wrote, to occupy yourself with something to the maximum, so that you simply have no time to think about it.
If anyone else has any advice, I'd be happy to hear it.
In fact: Have you ever turned down a promotion at a job you love because you wanted to wait a little longer? Or, when you were thirsty to death, did you think that this was not the right time to take a sip of water? Turned down a tasty treat because it's not yet dinner time? Of course, hypothetically, there may be an unfortunate moment for all this, but, as a rule, if a person is given the opportunity to get what he wants, he grabs it. If he doesn’t grab onto you, it means he didn’t really want to.
2. You think: "He works a lot and he doesn't have time for me."
In fact: yes, it happens. But what kind of work is this if he didn’t find five minutes in a week to not only call, but at least send you a short message? This means that many things (read: almost everything) are more priority for him than you. Understand that you are not an important part of his life, and do not waste your own life on empty expectations.
3. You think: “He had a hard time breaking up with his previous girlfriend and it still affects him.”
In fact: if you get burned by hot soup, you won't stop eating because of it. Yes, a difficult breakup leaves its mark on anyone, but this is not an excuse. If he keeps you at a distance, then you should not expect him to suddenly thaw and reach out to you.
4. You think: “He is just afraid of love. There are such strong feelings between us - and it scares him.
In fact: people are not afraid of love at all. They fear getting bogged down in relationships that are comfortable but not particularly inspiring. If every evening a hot dinner awaits him, at any moment - sex, it’s cozy with you, you are always in the wings, you can always ask for a favor, but at the same time his heart does not jump wildly out of his chest at one glance from you - it’s hard for him to refuse everyone bonuses of such relations. But he understands that he will not be happy in them and will not be able to make you happy. It remains only to be glad if he keeps his distance - it's easier to break the web.
5. You think: “He likes the way we are doing now, but he is afraid to move to the next level.”
In fact: people make things difficult. There are only three levels:
- Haven't slept yet;
- Slept;
- Loved each other.
If he doesn't want to "take it to the next level" it means "I love having sex with you, but I don't care how your day went." Such relationships also have the right to exist - if both of them are satisfied. Just don't fool yourself.
6. You think: "He doesn't deserve me."
In fact: the only people who don't deserve love are homicidal maniacs and pedophiles. Claiming you're better than someone else is a ridiculous defense mechanism. Just because he doesn't love you doesn't mean he's worse than you. This means: since he does not want to be with you, then why should you be with him. It is not his fault that his heart does not reciprocate with you: we do not know how to fall in love by order. It's okay, and both of you are good people.
7. You think, "He thinks he can't give me what I need."
In fact: the relationship of two people is not to dream of having a dog, but to worry that you won’t have time to feed and walk it on time. The only thing he cannot give that is important and necessary is love, if it is not there.
8. You think: “He just wants to see how things go… It will work, it will work.”
In fact: "Let's not rush" essentially means "I think you're a good option if no better one comes along." It's like renting a car instead of buying one.
