In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit!
Today's Sunday we call Forgiveness Sunday. On this day, after the evening service in the temples, a special rite of forgiveness is performed, when the clergy and parishioners mutually ask each other for forgiveness. On this day, it is customary to ask for forgiveness from your neighbors, friends and acquaintances, even enemies, in order to enter Great Lent with a pure soul, having reconciled with each other.
We are moved to forgive each other by the words of today’s Gospel reading: “For if you forgive people their sins, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive people their sins, then your Father will not forgive you your sins” (Matt. 6:14–15). God is at the center of these words. If we do not forgive people for their sins, we risk hearing terrible words from God on That Day: “I do not forgive you either! Get away from Me into outer darkness, where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth…” (see Matt. 13:50; 22:13).
The rite of forgiveness known to us today appeared in ancient Orthodox monasteries. In the life of St. Mary of Egypt we see evidence of the Palestinian monastic tradition of the 5th-6th centuries. To strengthen the feat of prayer and prepare for the Easter holiday, on the last day before Great Lent, the monks went into the desert for a solitary life for 40 days. Some of them did not return back: someone died of old age, someone could suffer misfortunes in the harsh deserted desert. Therefore, dispersing, the hermits, as before death, asked each other for forgiveness for all voluntary or involuntary offenses. And, of course, they themselves forgave everyone from the bottom of their hearts. Everyone understood that their farewell to each other on the eve of Great Lent could be the last. For this reason, the rite of forgiveness that exists today appeared, in order to be reconciled with all people and, thanks to this, with God.
Why did the monks go to the desert to fast and pray? After all, you can fast and pray at home.
The answer to this question does not lie on the surface. Yes, restrictions on food and pleasures bring up in a person the ability to lead a temperate life, but this does not yet make a true Christian out of a person. Fasting and prayer are also practiced in other religions, and there are also secular healing practices for fasting treatment. At the center of the hermit life of the hermits lay another and very important goal. This is an experiential experience of being abandoned by God and an experiential following of the crucified Christ.
The most bitter cry of humanity is the words of Christ from the cross: “My God, My God! why did you leave me?" (Matthew 27:46). When a person has no relatives or friends, no friends or colleagues, he at least has hope in God. But when God also leaves, a person comes into a state of complete inconsolable loneliness. The closeness of God, His love is felt by the pure heart of a person, but if a person has sin in his heart, it means that there is no place for God. The feeling of inner emptiness, depression, despondency is a sign that there is sin in the heart. And if sin fills the whole heart, God-forsakenness will eventually come, the emptiness and cold of the abyss.
Knowing this, the ascetics of antiquity went into the desert in order, having renounced the vanity of the world, to meet one on one with themselves. Living in the world, a person is surrounded by fuss. He may not even feel the attacks of sin, it seems to him that the people around him are to blame for all the problems. But when he finds himself in the desert, he has no one to blame. One on one with himself, the ascetic begins to see himself from within, as if exposing his sin before him. Watching himself, the movement of the flesh and thoughts, the ascetic gradually begins to notice his passions. Experiencing hunger and cold, he understands that if he does not get rid of passions and does not seek God, the evil desert will become his eternal village. The soul abandoned by God after death inherits hell.
The ascetics of antiquity were profound theologians. For them, Great Lent was not only an exercise in fasting and prayer, but also in reflection on the works of God in human history, on the value of the crucifixion of Christ and the glorious Resurrection.
When Adam sinned, he was expelled from Paradise. From the land where milk and honey flows, he was sent to the wilderness with thorns and thistles, to that wilderness in which Adam had to eat the grass of the field with sorrow, earning his own bread in the sweat of his brow (see: Gen. 3: 17– 19). However, this did not enlighten the children of Adam. And when God sent Christ to earth, people crucified Him. The sons of Adam crucified the One who could save them from the captivity of sin and death. They crucified the source of light and eternal life. The man was alone again. But there is a way to return to God - to follow Christ into the desert, so that, rejecting the works of Satan, take up the cross and crucify your flesh with Christ.
So that “the sinful body was abolished, so that we would no longer be slaves to sin,” wrote the Apostle Paul, our flesh with passions and lusts, our old man must be crucified with Christ (see: Rom. 6: 5–7). Life in the desert, in cramped conditions and hardships, is the practice of such a crucifixion of passions and lusts, when a person ceases to please his flesh and frees the mind to contemplate Divine things.
If the feeling of loneliness, emptiness or despondency, in a family or in a monastery, are signs of God-forsakenness, then “love, joy, peace, long-suffering, goodness, mercy, faith, meekness, temperance” (Gal. 5: 22-23) are signs of communion with God, the fruits of the Holy Spirit. Ascetics of antiquity strove for these gifts, and not for fasting and prayer as an end in themselves, when they joyfully said goodbye to each other on Forgiveness Sunday, in order to gather together before Easter with even greater joy.
Why ask for forgiveness on Forgiveness Sunday, if we are not going to go into the desert, like the monks of antiquity? If we don't feel like we've offended anyone in some way?
We need to ask for forgiveness from people for the fact that we do not truly love them. We are called to love each person, and instead we often communicate with other people only as much as the other person can be personally interesting or useful to us. We are only interested in our own person and those people who are currently listening to us or pleasing us. On Forgiveness Sunday, it is useful to feel what is the measure of our own selfishness.
From the point of view of philosophy, selfishness is selfishness, such behavior, which is entirely determined by the thought of one's own "I", one's own benefit, benefit, preference for one's own interests over the interests of other people. From the point of view of psychology, egoism is a manifestation of a person's interest in himself, focusing on his desires, inclinations, his own world.
Quite often egoists hide behind the commandment “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matt. 19:19). But self-love and self-love are not only not identical, but also directly opposite. Selfishness is self-satisfaction, self-satisfaction, living for the satisfaction of one's desires. Self-love is respect for one's integrity, uniqueness of personality, reconciliation with one's shortcomings, knowledge of the features of the God-given character of one's soul. Self-love is inseparable from respect, love and understanding of another person as a no less unique image of God.
The Apostle Paul reduces all the commandments to one: “love your neighbor as yourself,” but here he introduces the preamble: “by love serve one another” (Gal. 5: 13, 14). A person who serves another with love, thereby shows that he loves himself. He who loves his brother, whom he sees, is capable of loving God, whom he does not see (see: 1 John 4:20). On the contrary, the egoist, the selfish loves neither God nor his brother, and even has no peace with himself.
The selfish, who became a great fasting and prayer book, did not gain anything for his soul. A proud faster is a vain simpleton who feeds his insatiable pride. On the contrary, the ascetic who crucified himself with Christ is meek as a lamb, ready to sacrifice himself for the sake of his neighbor and the hungry, he is ready to give half of his breakfast, lunch and dinner to the poor.
Asking forgiveness from other people this Sunday, let's, brothers and sisters, thereby declare war on our selfishness. Let us acknowledge our shortcomings before other people, look for knowledge about God in the Holy Scriptures and divine services, let us humble our flesh with fasting, water our souls with tears of repentance, so that, having cleansed ourselves in body and spirit, we will meet the Risen Christ.
We begin this journey by forgiving those who have offended us, and asking for forgiveness from those whom we have offended voluntarily or involuntarily. By asking for forgiveness, we must simplify, simplify our relationship with God and our neighbors. This is where the fight against selfishness begins, this is where our purification of the heart begins, this is where Great Lent begins.
May the Lord, through the prayers of all those who shone in the feat of fasting, give us the strength to reconcile with everyone and through Great Lent in the world to pass to the Bright Pascha of Christ's Resurrection.
Arthur Schopenhauer
Is selfishness good for a person? Certainly useful and even necessary, but not in all manifestations. Selfishness can be reasonable or, as they say, healthy, but it can be so rude, uncouth and primitive that it disgusts people. At the same time, all people are selfish. It’s just that some of them skillfully disguise their egoism, while others do not know how to do this, therefore they behave arrogantly and arrogantly, which deserves an appropriate attitude towards themselves. In general, thinking first of all about yourself and your interests is an absolutely normal desire and aspiration for a healthy person. But in order to properly relate to this manifestation of human nature, one must understand well the meaning of egoism. In this article, we will do just that - we will study egoism in order to properly understand it.
What is selfishness?
Selfishness is the preference of one's own interests over the interests of others. You can also say that selfishness is selfishness. Personally, I understand selfishness as the desire of a person to always do everything only for himself, without thinking about the desires, interests, needs and feelings of other people. A pronounced egoist is a kind of vacuum cleaner that sucks everything into itself, but gives nothing in return.
Primitive selfishness
Selfishness can be reasonable and the way most people imagine it, let's call such selfishness - primitive selfishness. Primitive egoism is immediately visible - the person demonstrating it clearly ignores the interests of others, always rows everything for himself, does not consider anyone, does not think about anyone, often adheres to a narcissistic model of behavior. It is unpleasant to be around such people, it is very difficult to cooperate with them, they sometimes cause great irritation. Most often, only those who do not have self-esteem communicate with them and therefore they allow themselves to be used. And self-respecting people, as a rule, shy away from pronounced egoists, because they see no point in communicating with them, unless such communication is somehow beneficial to them.
Primitive egoism is, in my understanding, childish egoism, since it is inherent in psychologically and intellectually immature individuals. Such people are often completely unable to analyze their behavior and look at themselves from the outside. They openly seek to satisfy their desires and needs at the expense of other people, without thinking about how it looks in the eyes of others. And sometimes they are genuinely surprised at people's dissatisfaction with their overly selfish behavior, which they themselves seem to be quite normal. Sometimes there are such egoists spoiled by their parents who are firmly convinced that others should do everything for their happiness. And if this does not happen, then they fall either into depression or into a rage.
How do people become so selfish? Yes, it's very simple - they are born by them. Imagine a baby who is completely helpless and unable to take care of himself. He needs the help of adults to survive. When he needs something, he cries, thus attracting the attention of adults. We can say that he is an egoist who thinks only of himself. And he is like that because he has to think about himself in order to survive, and he is not capable of thinking about others. Growing up, the child becomes more independent and if he is brought up correctly, he develops his independence, reducing his dependence on other people. Thus, up to a certain age, a person is forced to think mainly only about himself, otherwise he simply will not be able to satisfy his basic needs. So we think about ourselves because we are not strong enough and smart enough to think about others. And as long as we are, selfishness in its primitive form is the only intuitive means for us to achieve our goals.
Reasonable selfishness
Developing, a person develops his egoism, which becomes less obvious and more sophisticated. In adult life, no one is in a hurry to satisfy the desires and needs of other people, without special need. Therefore, capricious and impudent behavior in it often turns out to be ineffective, and sometimes very harmful. As a result, a person's egoism changes - it becomes more sophisticated and thoughtful, unless, of course, the person himself gets smarter, and does not get stuck in his development at the teenage stage.
Sophisticated egoism is not an obvious, hidden egoism, when a person does not show others that he strives to do well for himself - he shows that he wants to do well for others, that he cares about everyone, and not just about himself. People like it, so they are more willing to cooperate with such a person and help him achieve his goals. And thoughtful egoism is when a person understands that in order to make himself feel good, he needs to think about other people. For without caring for others, it is impossible to properly take care of yourself. We all depend on each other, therefore, even if we don’t want to, we are forced to help each other. As a result, the egoist must think about the interests of the people around him in order to act according to the formula: you to me - I to you. Then he gains many friends, allies, partners, with the help of which he improves his life, simultaneously improving the life of most of them.
And in an even more mature form, egoism turns into deliberate altruism, this is when a person matures in order not only to take, but also to give. This makes it even stronger, because by giving [giving wisely], we receive more. The formula is very complicated, I will write about it separately someday, but the point is that a person’s strength multiplies as the scope of his responsibility expands. The ability to give and care for other people is a necessary quality for a good parent and for a leader who, by definition, must be responsible for other people, who in turn can give him great power and power. Therefore, a truly strong person simply cannot be a petty egoist, for whom the interests of others do not matter. Imagine the leader of an ancient tribe who thinks only of himself. With such a leader, the tribe may die, since there will be no one to take care of it, which means that the leader will lose his power. Or imagine parents who only think about themselves and don't think about their child at all. You understand what it is fraught with. That is why not every person is suitable for the role of a leader and for the role of a parent.
This is how selfishness becomes reasonable. It develops with the person. The smarter and stronger a person becomes, the more reasonable his egoism becomes. And the more reasonable the egoism of a person becomes, the more powerful the person himself becomes.
People who are intelligently selfish either always seek cooperation with other people or try to outsmart them in order to achieve their goal. But they never talk openly about their desires, do not behave arrogantly with those who are stronger than them, do not act up and do not complain if someone does not fulfill their desires. They look for workarounds to their goals, demonstrating to others the behavior that they, others, like. Where have you seen a politician who would tell everyone that he seeks power in order to improve his life, and not to make it better for all people? You have to be a complete moron to declare your desires like that. Reasonable egoists achieve their goals much more often than those who, guided by primitive egoism, rush ahead, striving to satisfy their needs and desires. Reasonable behavior is complicated behavior, the meaning of which is not always obvious. Therefore, it is more efficient.
The meaning of selfishness
Man must be selfish, whether he likes it or not. Even though living in a society, it is important to be able to cooperate with other people, for which it is necessary to take into account their interests, one's own interests should be higher than the public ones in the vast majority of cases. You can only sacrifice your interests only when it comes to the lives of children - our future, or the survival of humanity as a species. But in the vast majority of everyday situations, there is no point in thinking about others, to the detriment of one's own interests. Our whole life is a little less than entirely composed of a constant clash of different interests. We all want something and often our desires do not coincide with the desires of other people. Therefore, we have to somehow negotiate or compete with them, compete, be at enmity in order to survive and succeed in something. We know perfectly well that all people cannot be rich or have power, and even cannot have the same standard of living. There will always be those who have more and who have more rights. People are unequal and cannot be equal, this is contrary to the principle of natural hierarchy, in which the strong live at the expense of the weak and use it for their own purposes. In nature, the strong eat the weak, simply because that's how nature works.
So, living in such a world, in such conditions, to expect that people will think about you more than about themselves means not understanding life and people at all.
I am sure that a person can come to caring for others only through caring for himself. This is in addition to those cases when it makes sense to sacrifice yourself and your interests for the sake of the future of people dear to you or humanity as a whole. And in everyday life, when a person does not have such a responsible choice, he needs to think first of all about himself and, thanks to the pursuit of his interests, learn to take into account the interests of other people.
So, the meaning of egoism is that a person, pursuing his own interests, at a certain stage of his development, begins to take into account the interests of other people. And not just take into account, but effectively respond to them. He can do it the better, the stronger he is. Because a strong person can take care of himself, which in any case needs to be done, and at the same time, his capabilities allow him to extend his care to others. A strong person can give other people a lot in order to get even more in return. And what can give other people a weak person who is not even able to take care of himself? Can he become a strong leader or a good parent? As a rule, no. However, many weak people neglect their own interests, for the sake of the interests of others, thus showing that they are not selfish. Why do they do this? They strive to help [they strive, but not always help] others, not because they are not selfish, but because they themselves need the help of other people, and to a much greater extent. They sacrifice their own interests for their own good, and not for the good of other people. Giving something to others, they expect to receive in return more than they gave, intuitively relying on the rule of reciprocity. Therefore, their altruism is only a special form of egoism, as one of the survival strategies.
selfishness and success
There is an opinion according to which selfishness is necessary to achieve success, for which sometimes you have to go over your head, thinking only about your own benefit and not considering anyone. This is too crude an understanding of the benefits of selfishness. Indeed, selfish people [and we are all moderately or without measure selfish] often succeed - substituting, betraying, using, deceiving other people, including those whom they knew well and who unconditionally trusted them. Meanness and deceit have always taken place in human society, and there is undoubtedly a benefit from them. But don't blame everything on selfishness. To go over the same heads, you yourself need to have a head on your shoulders, which tells the egoist different ways to achieve his goals, and does not call him, as a primitive egoist - an aggressive insolent, being at the very bottom, spit on everyone and not to reckon with anyone. Often we learn about the deceit, meanness, cunning and selfishness of a person who used others to achieve success when he has already achieved this success and it is too late to try to prevent him. Up to this point, such an egoist can behave very nicely, so that no one will even think that this kind-hearted person is able to set up, use, deceive, betray someone for their own selfish purposes.
Some people, such as bandits or swindlers, express their selfishness through aggression, assertiveness, courage [often this is an unjustified risk], arrogance, cunning, manipulation. It is these qualities, and not the selfish attitude itself, that can allow them to succeed in their affairs. But this success is not always sustainable. Bandits, who are often secretly admired by the uneducated part of the population, expose themselves to unjustified risks in order to acquire some kind of resources and power. They act the way they do, simply because they do not know other, more sophisticated and less life-threatening methods of achieving success. They are no more selfish than, say, politicians who care about the people's welfare, it's just that their selfishness is expressed in the form of pronounced violence, and not in the form of a cunning that is thoroughly confusing to understand. It's dangerous to be a bandit, we all know that, so the life that bandits live has its price. Fraudsters, despite their ability to hide their true intentions, still often give themselves away by revealing the truth about their fraud to victims too quickly. This is because most scammers are short-sighted, short-term interests when they satisfy their selfish needs at the expense of other people - their victims. And so they are often punished by society for their deeds. So selfishness expressed in this way is not very helpful. The success to which he is able to lead a person may not be long.
To achieve serious, stable success, it is necessary, even if you do not want to, to respect the interests of other people. Alone in the field is not a warrior, and in order to have allies, you must be able to involve other people in your affairs, which can only be done when you interest them in something. Rowing only for yourself and not taking into account anyone, you are more likely to make enemies for yourself, who, at any opportunity, will tear you to pieces. The egoist who betrayed everyone, framed, deceived, used to achieve success in something, is like Damocles, over whose head a sword hangs on a horsehair. Like any tyrant, he can at any moment become a victim of those on whose head he walked and those who hate him for it.
It is much more profitable to pursue your selfish interests by cooperating with many people on different terms. This is the best way to achieve your goals. The most successful people in the world are not selfish loners who don't give a damn, but good salespeople, smart diplomats, trustworthy partners, and generous virtues who know that success requires sharing with others. No violence and no impudence will allow you to get the same return from people that you can get from working with them. Sometimes, however, this can be done with the help of deception and manipulation, but then it must be such a deception that will not be revealed for a long time and from which many will benefit, and not just the deceiver himself. So you need to mask your egoism and dress it in a human form, so as not to cause resistance in people to their desire to achieve something. No reasonable egoist acts alone, betraying and substituting everyone in a row. Even if he is not going to take into account the interests of all people, wanting to achieve something that, for obvious reasons, cannot be done, then at least he has allies and friends with whom he takes into account to a certain extent and whose interests he takes into account no less than his own, for he understands that without this he cannot count on their help, support and devotion.
Let's recap. All people are selfish. Everyone's selfishness manifests itself in different ways, depending on the level of development of a particular person. The simpler a person, the more primitive his egoism. Clever egoists never stick out their egoism, showing everyone their disregard for the interests of others. On the contrary, they focus on the interests of other people, seeking to promote their own interests. This allows them to enlist the support of others in achieving their goals.
Egoism in a mature form turns into altruism. Strong people consider the interests of others because they can afford it. They do it disinterestedly. They are just strong and smart enough to think not only about themselves, but also about others and get even more benefit from it. Both responsible, loving, caring parents and real leaders are people whose selfishness has developed so much that now they want and can not only take, but also give. And when they give, they get much more.
Some weak people seek to help others because they themselves need help. They are selfish, although they behave altruistically, their strategy for survival and achieving their goals is based on sacrificing their interests for the sake of others, counting on their reciprocal help, which weak people really need. And if you don’t understand what is the interest of another person who allegedly does something for you disinterestedly, then the whole point is precisely in your misunderstanding of his true intentions, and not his lack of selfish motives as such. True, sometimes some people, trying to please others, do not themselves understand why they do it, because they are not aware of their motives and in some cases cannot control them. This is a separate topic, which we will definitely discuss. Here it is important to understand that selfishness is part of our nature. It's okay to be selfish. Only the form of expression of egoism can be abnormal, from the point of view of its effectiveness.
There are also fanatics who can be altruists due to some of their beliefs. I did not touch on them in this article, since this is also a separate topic. However, I want to note that the belief of some people in certain things can be so strong that they can suppress their innate egoism to the detriment of their interests, and sometimes to the detriment of their lives, simply because they think it is right. To some extent, these people are also selfish, as they do something because they consider it right for themselves. It's just that their selfishness may not meet their real interests, it will only amuse their conceit and indulge their erroneous beliefs.
And the most important. To best achieve your goals, it is important to be able to disguise your selfishness as altruistic intentions and take into account in your plans the interests of as many people as possible, especially strong people whose help and support can be especially useful to you. So your opportunities will expand significantly. Even if you are not one of the strong people who can take care not only of themselves, but also of others, which allows you to gain power, try to at least act as if you think about the interests of others, at least as much as about your own. . Remember that no one is interested in you with your desires, interests and needs. People think mostly only about themselves, which is natural. So they will meet you halfway only if you interest them in something, if you involve them in your plans, showing them that by helping you, they will get a lot.
A primitive egoist who thinks of no one and who does not care about anyone is a loner who, at best, will achieve short-term insignificant success through arrogance, treachery, deceit and violence. And this success will be the shorter, the fewer people will be involved in it. And all because in this world you need to be able to share in order to have more friends and allies, and not enemies and envious people. That is why a reasonable egoist is a true leader and a good strategist who achieves success through cooperation with other people whose interests he considers [to a certain extent] in order to enlist their support and loyalty. Of course, his own interests are more important for him than the interests of other people, otherwise he would not be an egoist. However, he skillfully hides it. Such a person achieves success seriously and for a long time.
Such a character trait of a person as egoism is a manifestation of his essence. It develops in early childhood and affects the adult life of a man or woman. You need to know how to get rid of selfishness and find the true cause of habits that are aimed only at helping yourself.
Egoism as a phenomenon
Selfishness is part of personality. It affects behavior, habits, lifestyle. The more a person succumbs to nature, the stronger the manifestations of this trait. Selfish intentions are difficult to hide, and she herself is sometimes even proud of the way she behaves.
An egoist always puts himself above others due to a misperception of his personality. Such a person cannot see other people's virtues. Everything that is his world is his own ego, so the trait affects the concentration of attention.
At its core, this is the creation of an artificial, distorted reality. The egoist does not see the problem, does not notice that his behavior is irrational and abnormal. This trait manifests itself in love, work and social relationships. In such connections there is only an egoist and his urgent needs.
How does it manifest
Selfishness is not a temporary phenomenon, but a permanent trait of character. This is not a habit, but a sustainable pattern of behavior. A person gets used to building his own life around himself. An egoist sincerely believes that he is special, and that his abilities are unique and in demand.
How to identify an egoist:
- a person constantly talks about himself and does not know how to listen to others;
- a person is self-confident even without real grounds for it;
- the person is trying to be a leader, it seems to her that her ideas are important and valuable;
- a person flaunts his achievements in front of others;
- a person does not accept and does not perceive criticism;
- the person is quick-tempered (such people are not tolerant or patient).
In relationships, the egoist is accustomed only to receiving; for him, bestowal is something unnatural. He perceives his attention as a value to be earned. An egoist does not know how to sincerely rejoice in the achievements of others if there is no benefit to him in these relations. Without profit, any business quickly bothers him with a self-obsessed personality. If the people around him play along or indulge, the egoist sees no reason for internal changes.
Fighting selfishness
In most cases, a person's inner circle worries about how to get rid of selfishness. Over the years, complex character traits worsen. The egoist becomes indifferent and callous. If at a young age narcissism and excessive self-confidence are written off as youthful maximalism, then over the years harmless character traits are reborn into cruelty and indifference.
Why it is necessary to fight selfishness:
- fixation on oneself excludes the correct adaptation of the personality in a new place;
- concentration of attention is reduced, a person cannot notice changes in both strangers and close people;
- it is difficult for egoists to build a harmonious family;
- It's hard for people to bring up children.
You can defeat egoism if you find the strength in yourself to admit that there is such a problem. At this stage, an important role is assigned to relatives and friends. If the egoist himself suffered from his own obsession, he will have to cope with the problem on his own. To fight, you need to work with thinking.
Coping Methods
In cases where selfishness develops, you can get rid of it by looking at your own life from the outside. This is not just an analysis of current situations. The person needs to see how certain habits or behaviors lead to negative outcomes.
For an egoist who always knows better what he needs, the opinion of the people around him is of little importance. He does not believe in things that can be imperfect. To accept the harm that comes from oneself is the most difficult task for a narcissistic, selfish person.
You can get rid of selfishness in this way:
- find the reason;
- take a course of psychoanalysis or engage in self-development (egoists rarely seek help from specialists);
- develop good habits;
- change the way of life (the model of behavior will change - thinking will be transformed).
Gradually, the egoist can change. For him, these changes should be natural. A conscious decision will allow you to lose doubts. If an egoist is forced to change, he turns into a pretender, and the problem only gets worse.
Finding a reason
You can get rid of the problem of a psychological nature only through work with thinking. Egoism is not actions, but a thought that contributes to these actions. Reasons for the development of a narcissistic and indifferent personality:
- defensive reaction: in the process of personality formation, the child learns to understand the world, stable concepts and a model of behavior are formed; parents perceive changes in the child as manifestations of character, but in fact, with the help of self-obsession, the child is fenced off from what is happening; he may hide from situations that are unpleasant for him (this is what children who suffer from domestic violence do); those whose families did not give enough time and love grow up proud - through selfishness, an adult compensates for childhood trauma;
- improper upbringing: parents who try to instill false self-confidence in the child only harm him even more; the kid does not know how to see his true strengths, he is sure that the people around him are unable to appreciate all his talents; when controversial issues arise, the child relies on the beliefs of the parents, and not on the opinions of others, excessive self-confidence, not supported by real facts, turns into the basis of selfishness;
- bad role model: missing upbringing, when the child is not harmed (do not underestimate self-esteem), and does not help, does not inspire self-confidence, the child is looking for an example to follow on the side; the baby chooses any adult who seems successful to him.
If you find the cause, you will be able to find a way to correct wrong thinking.
Recognition of the problem
To get rid of the problem, you need to see it. Egoists do not try to find vulnerabilities in themselves (such behavior is dictated by fear, and not by the certainty that they do not exist). First you need to look at yourself as a stranger. Understand that this person can make mistakes, unconsciously make mistakes.
The assumption that a problem may exist allows you to look at yourself from a different perspective. Whatever the cause of selfishness, it is necessary to look at how it negatively affects the life and relationships of the individual. Such an analysis is unpleasant, but necessary.
Psychoanalysis as a variant of deliverance
Deep psychoanalysis helps people who cannot change their own thinking. In most cases, these are people with mental disorders who deny the problem to the last. Egoists are very stubborn, they do not want to allow (in front of the doctor or other people) such a possibility.
When a person hears an assumption that she is fixated on herself, she does not show doubt, but a defensive reaction - aggression or anger. Turning to a psychoanalyst will allow you to explore the personality, see how many unconscious attitudes she uses in everyday life and is not even aware of it.
Development of empathy
During psychoanalysis, it is useful for an egoist to develop new skills, including empathy. Empaths are people who subtly feel the world around them. These are sometimes weak and sincere people. They carefully listen to the interlocutor, imbued with his condition.
In psychology, such people are called mirror images: they receive an emotion, accept it, and give it back with more force. For an egoist, learning such skills is not only useful, but also pleasant. Having opened himself to the world, to other people, he will get a new unforgettable experience.
Developing good habits
In getting rid of this kind of thinking, it is important to understand how to get rid of selfishness in relationships, at work and at home. It is necessary to track what actions upset the people around. Habits that benefit only the egoist are changed. Before each important decision, he analyzes who else will benefit from future actions.
If the situation is beneficial only to the egoist, it should be avoided. Gradually, a proud person will develop a new strategy of behavior. New activities, hobbies or travel will help to overcome the wrong mental attitudes. A change of scenery has a positive effect on thinking and perception of the world around us.
Conclusion
Selfishness is not a disease, but a character trait. It harms the individual, does not allow her to build harmonious relationships. To get rid of it, a person rethinks his life: he recognizes the problem, changes his thinking and lifestyle.
All the happiness that exists in the world comes from wanting happiness for others.
All the suffering that exists in the world comes from the desire for happiness for oneself.Shantideva
How often do we really think about others? How often do we share our warmth, just give and do not demand anything in return? Why does it seem to us that a person is something special, separate from everything else? Unfortunately, it is hardly possible to find a person who sincerely answers the first two questions: "Always", and the third - "It's not." The reason for this is selfishness. In some it is pronounced, in others it is carefully veiled, and is absent only among bodhisattvas, whose existence many people doubt. In this article, we will try to understand what egoism is, why get rid of it, and consider several methods that allow us to moderate our ego a little.
Egoism is...
In a nutshell, selfishness is the opposite of altruism. That is, the manifestation of the human “me”, “mine”, “I”, etc. Egoism grows out of a person's self-identification with race, profession, some qualities: smart, good, cool, wild and other labels acquired in society, as well as with his physical body. When we assign ourselves any status, we immediately endow ourselves with a certain set of distinguishing features, i.e. we separate ourselves from the crowd. We want a special relationship, status, or, conversely, we can underestimate our dignity, which is also to some extent a manifestation of selfishness. After all, it doesn’t matter what labels you put on yourself: positive or negative.
In my opinion, selfishness is a vivid manifestation of fear, fear of losing something, whether it be life, money, children, a car, a dog, etc., etc. This is a manifestation of attachment, a desire to control everything, greed, lack of compassion. The ego is cunning and can hide behind helping the poor, the weak and the disadvantaged. A person himself may not be aware of this and sincerely believe that he is doing good deeds, but at some point the ego may come out in the form of "I'm here, so for you ... and you!" Someone may say: “Why should I get rid of egoism, and in general I am a person, and ego is inherent in a person, there is no getting away from this!” Indeed, a person is characterized by the presence of mind and ego, and in some situations this cannot be dispensed with (at least in samsara). However, there is a limit to everything. Let's try to understand why get rid of egoism.
What do we lose sight of by remaining selfish?
Perhaps the strongest and most effective remedy for selfishness is prostrations. The essence of prostrations is that a person not only shows his respect to a certain deity or bodhisattva, but at the same time indicates his humility and admiration for him, his own, so to speak, insignificance. Humility at the level of body, speech and mind. In the full version, the prostration is performed as follows: while standing, we bring our hands together in namaste (palms together, as for prayer) above the head, while the thumbs are slightly directed inside the palms; then we lower the namaste to the top of the head - worship at the level of the body; then we bring it to the forehead - admiration at the level of the mind; to the throat - worship at the level of speech; to the middle of the chest, at the level of the heart; then the palms, knees and forehead fall to the floor, the arms are extended above the head (on the floor) and brought together in namaste, while the chest moves forward and the body, as it were, leaves for a lying position, i.e. we stretch out on the floor; then there are different options, either to stay like this, or bend your arms at the elbows and raise the namaste above the back of the head, or open your palms and, as it were, make an offering, stretching them forward, or simply bring the namaste to the top of your head; then again palms, knees, forehead on the floor, after which we rise to our feet, namaste at the chest. It is desirable to do 108 such approaches at a time, or any number, preferably 9, 27, 54 or 108.
The essence of prostration is as follows. First, we go through the first four chakras: sahasrara above the crown, ajna on the forehead, vishuddha - throat and anahata - heart. In this way, we purify them and indicate worship at the level of body, mind and speech. When a person puts his hands, knees and forehead on the floor, he puts the mind below the heart. The bigger the mind, the bigger the ego, they are directly related. During prostration, mind first, i.e. ego, is placed below the heart, i.e. souls. A person, as it were, recognizes the insignificance of his "I" and says that the soul, that is, the divine principle, is higher. When we fully prostrate (lay down) on the ground, we compare our body with the ground, indicating its frailty, thereby placing ourselves below the deity, recognizing his greatness.
Prostrations can be difficult to do in the early stages, so you can start with regular bows. Perhaps, simply for religious reasons, bows are closer to someone than Tibetan prostrations. The bow is performed without going through the chakras. We just kneel down with our palms and forehead touching the floor. At the same time, it is quite effective to imagine in front of us those who hurt us the most, whom we do not like, those to whom our ego reacts very violently. For those who have a bias in the other direction, for example, a person does not love himself, you can perform this technique in front of a mirror. In other words, bow to yourself. But this is only if you know for sure that you have just such a problem, otherwise there is a danger of growing an ego in yourself even more. Otherwise, bows work the same as prostrations.
Jnana mudra and Chin mudra
Jnana mudra and rank mudra differ only in that in jnana mudra the palm is directed upwards, while in rank mudra it is downwards. There are two ways to perform mudra: the first, when the pads of the index and thumb touch; the second, when the nail plate of the index finger rests against the first articular bend of the thumb. Since the index finger is a symbol of a person’s individuality, and the thumb symbolizes the universal “I”, it is more effective to perform the second version of the mudra to pacify the ego. We often use the index finger to indicate, that is, to command, to dispose. However, it is not necessary to point the finger directly; in any case, it is a symbol and a reflection of the desire to control. And if the second version of jnana (rank) mudra is hard for a person, then this is a clear indicator of the size of his ego.
This gesture can often be found in the images of various Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, for example, the hand of the Buddha, performing jnana mudra at the level of the heart, is a symbol of openness towards the entire universe.
Among other things, there are many nerve endings at the fingertips, as well as energy channels, so performing mudras allows you to “close” these channels and stop the “leakage” of energy, which has a beneficial effect on the general condition of the body. Jnana and chin mudra often accompany meditative practices, asanas and pranayamas, help to focus and calm the flow of thoughts.
Exhalations are longer than inhalations
It is believed that inhalation symbolizes consumption, and exhalation, respectively, the ability to give, share. Therefore, one of the practices for getting rid of egoism, and therefore the development of altruism, is pranayama, when we try to make the exhalation longer than the inhalation. This is not an easy practice, especially when adding breath stretch. One can do this practice in pranayama (full awareness of the breath). in an “altruistic form”, when we try to stretch our breath as much as possible, as if we are sifting air with our nose, slowly, slowly, so that we practically do not notice how the air passes through the channels, while adding a count and trying to make the number of counts on exhalation exceed the number of counts for a breath. When doing this pranayama in the usual form, inhalations and exhalations are equal.
Mantra "Om"
In my opinion, the ego is worked out very well in practice. Firstly, the sound "Om" is the sound from which everything appeared and in which it disappears, the sound contained in every particle of any object and living being. Therefore, pronouncing the sound "Om", we seem to be reunited with our original nature and with everything that exists - absolute equality and acceptance. Secondly, here the exhalation is also longer than the inhalation, since we try to sing the four sounds "A", "O", "U" and "M" as long as possible, while the inhalation is done quite quickly. In addition, not everyone can sing in a circle, so it can be very useful for working out the ego to practice this mantra not alone, but in a circle of like-minded people. For example, the Site Club regularly conducts the practice of the Om Mantra both in Moscow and in other cities of Russia. You can also gather friends and sing with them.
Sorting out the rosary from oneself
The way the practitioner touches the rosary also characterizes him. Sorting the rosary away from oneself symbolizes bestowal, while on oneself - on the contrary, the desire to take, consume. Therefore, if you strive to pacify egoism and cultivate selflessness, then you need to sort out the rosary from yourself.
In addition to the practices described, you can learn to listen, help others for free, donate both something material and time or your work for the benefit of those who strive for development, try to establish relationships with those who may annoy you, make peace with those , with whom in a quarrel, or just clean up in the entrance, in general, take it and sincerely from the heart do something for the benefit of others, step over your "I". If we daily get rid of pride, envy, anger, hatred and other negative qualities, then the world will begin to show all the best towards us: kind smiles and words, disinterested help in business, warmth, understanding - everything that cannot break through the thick armor of the ego.
Selfishness is the voluntary death of everything that is alive and good in a person.
“Egoism is not about living the way you want, it is demanding that others live the way you want it.” – Oscar Wilde
If you are forced to go somewhere, but it threatens your health (physical or mental), and in the end you decide to refuse, then this is healthy selfishness (it should be). But if you forbid a friend to go to the meeting he wants, because this will make you feel calmer - this is selfishness that needs to be fought.
Egoism is a style of human behavior based on extracting one's own benefit from everything and satisfying only one's own interests, contrary to the interests and desires of other people. There is a concept of rational egoism and unreasonable.
- Reasonable selfishness is necessary for survival, building your own life and career. It is more common in a group of people, such as a family. Blood ties are very powerful, especially in light of stereotypes. It is believed that relatives must be helped (morally and financially). But whether it is necessary to do this to the detriment of one's health and condition, the standard of living of one's own family (spouse and children) is a question for filling. Everyone will answer in their own way, but I believe that reasonable egoism is vital for a person. Selfishness helps to achieve the goal of one's own life.
- In the case when a person is categorical in any trifles, is not able to make compromises and concessions, makes everyone “dance to his own tune”, unhealthy egoism is observed. This is a negative trait that destroys family, friendship and professional relationships. with such a person it is difficult and is accompanied by a lot.
Reasonable egoism can be described as “I don’t touch you, and you don’t touch me”, that is, a person goes to his goal, but does not interfere with others. Unhealthy egoism makes you "go over their heads", destroy people's plans, plot intrigues. Makes a person angry and cynical.
“Obviously, by nature, everyone is dear to himself,” Cicero.
The concept of egoism is closely related to the term "individualism". Consider this concept in a broad sense. Modern society is built on the idea of individuality, self-development, self-actualization, which cannot be said about the past years of communism. Then almost all goals were common, and therefore little was said about selfishness. Moreover, he was categorically rejected by society. Today, thinking about yourself first is encouraged. Perhaps the growing personal egoism in modern people is the cost of changing the socio-economic situation of the country. There is a suspicion that selfishness is really necessary (in reasonable amounts) in order to survive, provide for and protect oneself and one's family (wife / husband, children).
Types and forms of unhealthy egoism
- Dictatorial selfishness, or "everyone should serve my interests."
- Selfishness of one's own exclusivity, or "everyone should be moralists, except me, if it does not benefit me."
- Anarchist selfishness, or "everyone has the right to be selfish, to pursue their own interests when they please."
In my opinion, few people in the modern world take the latter form for selfishness. The second is called "double standards" and has long been accustomed to it. But the first kind of egoism never goes unnoticed and is unacceptable even for a society of individualists.
Among the forms of egoism, one can single out superegoism and egoism-self-destruction:
- The motto of the first: "I am everything, the rest are nothing."
- The motto of the second: "Look what a nonentity I am."
Sometimes egoism is mistakenly identified with egocentrism or considered as a form of egoism. This is wrong. (inability to understand the situation of other people) is a completely different topic.
Characteristics of a selfish person
Selfishness is associated with irresponsibility, deceit and indifference. If we look at the problem on a large scale, then what can we say about the egoist (besides the fact that he achieves his goals to the detriment and to the detriment of the interests of other people)?
- He is loud and confrontational.
- He has a poorly developed system of values and principles, conscience, sense of duty and self-esteem.
- He is frivolous and often lazy, careless, ignoring the rules and duties of a person.
- He will not intervene in a fight or conflict, which he will become an eyewitness to (even if children fight, animals are offended).
- He will not be embarrassed by the untidy appearance of the interlocutor, he may not even notice it.
- He will not be embarrassed by the mess in the room (he is used to the mess, because he has it inside).
- He ignores any advice, including really useful and friendly.
- He ignores the demands.
- It is difficult for him to engage in activities that require conscientiousness, responsibility, honed skills and abilities. He doesn't like this job.
- He does not know how to empathize and does not differ in empathy.
- He is also rational.
Get rid of unhealthy selfishness
“After all, I just want everything to always be my way.” - Bernard Shaw.
What to do if selfishness is so ingrained in you that because of it there is nothing to protect, because there is no work, no friends, no family, no self-love? P.S. Yes, do not be surprised, selfishness and self-love are not identical concepts.
- Stop reproaching yourself for selfishness and consider it your sin or vice. Don't get hung up on the idea of getting rid of it. Do not toss between "selfishness is needed, it's good" and "selfishness is not needed, it's bad." Selfishness is good in reasonable quantities, it needs to be controlled, not destroyed. More precisely, even we are talking about the development of love for yourself and others, self-acceptance. A person tends to transfer his qualities or attitude towards himself to other people. Whoever loves himself is able to love others. Whoever does not love others probably also hates himself, and from that he acts selfishly (E. Fromm).
- What is love for another and for yourself ()? It is confidence in one's own life, acceptance of responsibility, care and respect, knowledge of oneself and others. You need to develop these qualities in yourself.
- Don't let yourself and don't do it yourself.
- Take care of your life, don't let it take away your individuality. Learn to appreciate the life, freedom and personality of each person. Develop tolerance.
- Improve your communication skills and abilities. Learn to communicate without conflict.
- Study your psychological characteristics (,) and learn to understand other people. An egoist, as a rule, does not know his capabilities and does not see his own potential. From what the higher ones (self-realization, self-actualization) remain unformed and not developed, attention is focused on the lower needs (material wealth and security). Higher needs allow a person to assert himself, develop himself and at the same time help other people.
- Expand your range of attention. Learn to think big. Egoism, that is, petty attempts at self-affirmation at the expense of others, is the result of a lack of understanding of the missing link for full-fledged personal self-realization and harmony. Have you noticed that charity, generous tips are an integral part of the life of successful people. No, they do not crave public attention on this (not all). This is their new need, which came with harmony and self-actualization. It's not just about the "stars", these people live among us, "mere mortals."
- Learn to respect and appreciate yourself, accept yourself and love, correct self-esteem, cultivate self-esteem. By the way, a worthy person will not allow himself to offend others, infringe on their interests and ruin lives.
- Well-known psychologists of the past and present argue that an inferiority complex often hides behind egoism. Moreover, it is not always realized by the person himself. Understand yourself, visit a psychologist.
- Remember the portrait of an egoist, described in the previous paragraph of the article, and act according to the “by the contrary” method. That is, destroy or correct what is applicable to you.
Sharing the position of the German psychologist Erich Fromm, I will say that the means of getting rid of egoism is a productive life, full of creativity and action. In an effort to live and create, you yourself will not notice how instead of enemies you will be surrounded by friends, and instead of failures and restrictions - successes and opportunities.
In any invention, work of art, song, product of production, there is a share of egoism, and a considerable one at that. But this is the same healthy egoism mixed with altruism, the golden mean. You will receive recognition, self-satisfaction and income, and society will be a useful product. Everyone is happy, no one considers anyone an egoist.
Conclusion
Egoism is an echo of the instinct of self-preservation, therefore it is inherent in all mentally healthy people (this is confirmed by many studies by psychologists, sociologists and psychoanalysts). Based on this position, I dare to assert that unhealthy egoism is a consequence of a lack of a sense of security, low self-esteem, and self-rejection. The more often you have to defend yourself, the more selfishness develops as a character trait. What or who are you protecting yourself from?
- Egoism is a philosophy of life, a person's worldview, expressed in words and actions.
- How to get rid of selfishness? Change the worldview, understand your inner world.
- Egoists are not born - they are made.
- Dig into yourself and answer the question: who or what made you the way you are?
- Further, problems need to be solved as they are “digged out”, step by step.
Do not forget about the other side of the coin - and heroism. This is also abnormal behavior, in which not other people's interests, but yours and loved ones will be at risk. Creating something for society, self-realization in love and profession is the best option. Normal behavior in the context of "egoism-altruism" is to do something well and with pleasure for the benefit of oneself and society.
“If we want to do something to help some cause, it must first become our own, selfish cause,” Friedrich Engels.
