We all have times in our lives where we just need to say “no”. But for some reason, instead of refusing, we begin to wrinkle and pinch, and as a result, we say such a hated “OK, I’ll try.”
After this, endless worries and remorse begin, because it is often impossible to keep a promise, and you have to come up with more and more new excuses.
What's wrong
What happens to us at the moment when, during a conversation, the heart suddenly stops anxiously, and we do not dare to utter a simple short word, fearing to offend the interlocutor?
“The ability to say “no” is also a certain skill. If there are any problems, and a person cannot refuse, you need to figure it out and understand how this stopper arises, ”says Natalya Olentsova, image maker, head of the Academy of Successful Women.
Often we find ourselves in a situation where it seems that after the rejection they will think badly of us. Hence this self-doubt arises, the fear of seeming rude or unresponsive. But overcoming this problem is easy if you follow certain rules.
View from the outside
Let's try to look at the situation from the outside. Other people seem to find it easy to say “no” to us. It is to such interlocutors that you need to pay attention.
“Look how other people do it. They refuse you, explaining that it is inconvenient for them. But this does not mean at all that they do not want to help you, ”says Natalya Olentsova.
Imagination game
Let's play one simple game. Only now you need to imagine yourself in the place of a person who can easily refuse. We imagine that our character is all right with self-esteem. How would he act in this situation? How would he say no? We boldly reproduce what we have just “heard”.
Secret words
It would also be nice to have our own imaginary dictionary of the very expressions that we are going to refuse. We often get emotional and can either overreact or reluctantly agree. There are clear language that allows you to refuse gracefully.
“I would love to help you, but I can’t. I already have my own plans and things to do. It sounds quite soft and dignified, ”the image maker gives an example.
without haste
We are not in a hurry to answer sharply “no” until we have listened to the interlocutor. You should always watch yourself and be able to take breaks.
“Do not blurt out something right away, but understand what you feel, what you want to do in response to a request,” Natalya advises, “then remember that very worthy woman and refuse with dignity.”
Confident persistence
If we nevertheless decided and were able to refuse, it is likely that we will have to repeat our “no” again. The interlocutor can do all sorts of tricks and come up with new ways to convince us that we should help him. But the second time, as a rule, it is already easier to refuse. The main thing is not to make excuses, but to repeat the secret words firmly and confidently.
To say "no" so that a person is not offended, one must be able to. For some people, this is a whole problem, they begin to "walk in circles", thus getting into an awkward position. But this skill can be developed and it is not difficult. The main thing is to know a few simple rules, adhering to which, you will no longer doubt how to politely refuse someone.
Why are we afraid to say "no"?
Our life is communication, we are constantly in contact with each other and help. But there are situations when it is inconvenient to fulfill a person's request. Then doubts begin, you are tormented by a feeling of guilt that you have put your interests above others. But, if you think carefully, they could fulfill the request, within reason, of course.
The root of the problem lies in your insecurity. Usually it is the insecure individuals who experience such difficulties. They forget that help is voluntary. It seems to them that if they ask, then they should drop everything and give up their principles and deeds. This is not quite the right approach, when you do not have the opportunity - you can safely disagree.
This in no way compromises you, does not offend the one who asks. You just need to be able to present a refusal. To do this, you just need to try a few times, and then a habit will develop. You should start with a small stock of formulaic phrases that can be used in common situations.
How to politely refuse a person?
The main rule of successful people is not to say the words "yes" and "no". They should be replaced by phrases that they will definitely let you know about the refusal and immediately explain the reason:
- "I don't want to do this";
- "I have no time";
- "I dont have an opportunity".
However, if a friend, boss, relative asks you, use other options, a reasonable “no” or a diplomatic one.
Here it is assumed giving reasons and suggesting a possible alternative:
- “I can’t do this because I’m working, maybe there will be a minute later”;
- “I will take your child to school if he is already dressed and waiting outside”;
- "You can repair the car, but on Saturday."
There are suitable words for all occasions, they just have to be intelligible and to the point.
How to politely refuse a man?
This is a common problem. It all depends on who you are. Is it just "sticking" on the street or is it a friend talking about his feelings, maybe a former boyfriend who decided to return.
Let's start with annoying strangers, it’s easier with them, you can safely lie:
- "I'm married";
- “Now I have no time, here is my phone” (give him the wrong number);
- "Give me your number, I'll call you back."
If the gentleman does not understand, act firmly and confidently, but politely:
- “I don’t intend to meet and meet, is that clear?”;
- “I’m not in the mood to talk to absolutely anyone right now.”
With the former, you can speak more frankly, but without flirting, but seriously and intelligibly:
- “We had a lot of good things, let me keep only these moments in my memory”;
- “Let's not rush things, maybe I'll change my mind, but not yet”;
- “You are very good, it’s too much for me. I want to find someone less wonderful."
And a completely different conversation is to be with a friend.
How to politely refuse a guy to meet?
I don’t want to break the connection with him, but he is dear to you in this capacity. And yet don't go around in circles, eh speak directly looking into the eyes:
- “I love another, but I need you, try to understand”;
- “I’m not in the mood for intimacy right now”;
- “Maybe later, now I need to sort myself out.”
Try to avoid common mistakes:
- Do not waste time, explain yourself as soon as you see the need;
- Do not flirt, so you give vain hope;
- Be specific, explain clearly and understandably.
Perhaps you need to leave a friend for a while and not communicate. Your constant flickering in front of his nose will pull at the wound. Try not to catch his eye, let him rest and forget.
Original ways to say "no"
Sometimes nothing helps, a person does not understand normal words. We'll have to take a trick:
- Move on to talking about money. Ask a fan about the salary, where and by whom he works. Then express dissatisfaction with a small income or an inexpensive car. Sigh languidly, passing jewelry showcases;
- Play dumb talker, guys don't like that. Tell him what you discussed yesterday with your girlfriend about cosmetics, dresses, and a nice neighbor. Let's not put in a word;
- Openly ignore its existence. On a date, answer his questions at random, call your girlfriends and mom while walking with him in the park;
- Tell us what a big family you have: five children, a bedridden mother and an elderly grandfather. Nobody needs such a convoy.
One of these options will definitely scare an annoying man, there are no miracles.
How to politely refuse a customer a service?
Sometimes you come across such active clients that they simply do not let you work. They need to be able to say “no” without being rude or aggressive.
Use pull phrases, they will buy time:
- “Unfortunately, at the moment the specialist on this issue is busy, as soon as he is free, he will contact you”;
- “Yes, we understand your problem and will try to solve it as soon as possible. If it doesn't work out, we'll call you back";
- “Thank you for contacting us, we appreciate your time, so we won’t delay any more and will contact you with the results”;
- “Unfortunately, you are mistaken, our company does not do this, but I can give you the phone number of another company.”
Do not say "no" openly, otherwise the person will think that he was just rejected. Apologize, give him a couple of minutes, if possible - offer an alternative solution. Main - do not lie and let me feel an attentive attitude.
If you understand that you are experiencing difficulties in communication, start a few template phrases that will help you out in difficult times. Of course, they are not suitable for every occasion, but you will become more confident not knowing how to politely refuse, having at least something in service.
Video: gently and politely refuse
In this video, psychologist Igor Kolokoltsev will talk about really working ways to politely but firmly refuse a person, how to do it so that he does not hold a grudge against you:
3 123 0 Hello! In this article, we will talk about how to learn to say “no” or how to properly refuse people.
Are you familiar with situations when you are asked for something, and you agree, although the inner voice resists and advises you to do the opposite. Probably yes, if you are reading this article. This problem is very common in our society, and not only among timid and anxious people, but also among the brave and self-confident as well. Why is it so hard to say no? What is this behavior based on? What guides a person at this moment: feelings or reason? And, most importantly, how to learn to say “no”?
Why are we afraid to refuse people's requests?
- Quite often, the roots of the problem lie in a strict upbringing.. Children whose authoritarian parents completely suppress their will always unconditionally obey or begin to protest against everything around. In the first case, they carry into adulthood the habit of obeying and fulfilling the requests of others.
- Fear of ruining relationships. And the closer and more significant these relationships are, the more often we agree to fulfill requests. Thoughts are usually spinning in my head: “What will he think of me? Suddenly finds me unreliable (unreliable)? Will he communicate with me after that? Usually, the anxiety and discomfort caused by such experiences is stronger than the desire to refuse, and we agree.
- Fear of losing existing opportunities. Many are afraid of losing what they have and they consider any refusals a threat to their position.
- The need to feel your own importance. “If they turn to me, it means that I am needed and important,” such a person thinks, and this greatly warms his soul. Quite often, these strings are played by manipulators. “Except for you, perhaps no one can cope with this” or “I can only entrust this matter to you” - this is how they formulate their request, and the person falls for their bait.
- Fear of being alone. People may fear that if they refuse a request, they will be rejected and left alone.
- delicacy, courtesy. If these qualities are developed excessively, and a person is used to sacrificing his own interests for the sake of others, then saying “no” seems to him an extremely difficult task. Although, even being very loyal and responsive, some people know how beautiful it is to refuse a request.
- Desire to avoid conflict. On the one hand, it is the fear of causing indignation in the interlocutor (relative, friend, colleague, boss). On the other hand, it is difficult to defend one's opinion.
Why is it so important to learn to refuse and say "no"
What does the inability to say "no" and the constant provision of services to other people lead to?
- By regularly responding to requests, you deplete internal resources, especially if you do it against your own will. , nervous breakdowns, apathy can be the consequences of this.
For example, you are loaded with additional unpaid work, you constantly stay late, come home tired. Of course, this negatively affects health, mood and family relationships.
- Afraid to seem impolite and callous and constantly agreeing to everything that you are inclined to, you end up looking in the eyes of those around you as spineless and unable to defend your “I”.
- Once in a while, fulfilling the requests of other people, you can relax them. By demonstrating constant dependability, you encourage their vices and weaknesses: laziness, selfishness, a tendency to consume, a desire to avoid responsibility, and others.
For example, a friend regularly asks you for a loan, because she does not know how to “live within her means”, correctly calculate her expenses and quickly spend all her savings. Fulfilling her request, you allow her to plunge more and more into the abyss of financial problems and an irresponsible attitude towards money. Wouldn't it be better to openly talk to a friend about this and try to help her change her approach to life?
- You regularly sacrifice your interests, deeds, time, fulfilling someone else's will. You can even stop developing spiritually, giving it all your strength.
For example, a neighbor asks you every Saturday to babysit her all day and evening. You agree by refusing to go to the gym and visit your parents. However, you know that she has relatives who probably will not approve of her regular meetings with friends and parties. Therefore, she turns to you, and you cannot competently refuse, because you feel sorry for the baby and sincerely want to help.
- Realizing that you are constantly being used, you yourself begin to have a negative attitude towards these people, avoid communicating with them.
How to say "no" and be able to politely refuse a person
So, it is necessary to correctly refuse to fulfill a request in situations where:
- you are used and constantly contacted;
- indeed, there is no time, no opportunity (for various reasons) to do what is asked;
- you are very tired;
- what they want from you is at odds with your views, principles, values.
The first step towards developing the ability to say “no” is to admit that you really have a problem with this, you want to solve it and learn to refuse.
Then look at situations where you didn't want to comply with a request but couldn't say no. How do they affect your life? What are the negative consequences? The result of the analysis should be a persistent dislike for one's reliability and a desire to get rid of it.
After that, you need to move on to actions and consolidate a valuable skill in behavior. You need to start with training at home with the possible involvement of loved ones or a girlfriend (friend).
How to politely refuse to communicate with a person
- Practice saying “no” in front of a mirror. Present the request of someone from your environment, formulate a phrase of refusal. Say it until you like its sound and until you feel confident and firm in your voice. You can ask your family to play this situation with you. After training, track how you feel.
- It is important to put aside your fears that others will be offended, stop communicating with you, reject you, or make a scandal if you refuse them. Surely most of your acquaintances (relatives, friends, colleagues) who ask for something are adequate people who are able to understand that you also have your own affairs and needs and you cannot do it now.
- Make it a rule: when you are asked for something, wait a while before saying “yes”, because often consent is given out of habit, on automatism. The pause will help you collect your thoughts, weigh the key points, and cope with the excitement.
- Always make eye contact when you say no. This indicates your confidence and firm decision. Indistinct phrases and a glance "past" the interlocutor are perceived as consent, albeit reluctantly.
- Start small - at first, refuse minor requests, such as lending money or meeting a friend.
- When refusing, speak in your own name, use the pronoun "I": "Unfortunately, I can not help you", "I hate to do this", etc.
- Do not use excuses, it reduces respect for you. Rejection should sound firm, but calm.
- Before you say no, always listen to the person. So you show respect for him and you yourself will have time to find the right words.
- Be sure to explain to the person your refusal, tell why you cannot fulfill the request. This will help maintain mutual understanding between you.
- Voice your feelings, for example: “I am, of course, upset (upset) that I can’t help my best friend (friend).”
- Help with advice, express your opinion on how this situation can be resolved or to whom it is better to turn to fulfill the request.
- How to refuse to work if you are loaded with additional tasks? You can choose the following phrase: “I can’t fulfill these duties, because the project I’m doing takes up all my working time” or “I can’t stay late at work, because I have to devote this time to my family.”
Love and respect yourself. You must be sure that it is your legal right to have personal time and valuables. And always remember that refusal is not a disregard for the interests of another person, but the need to make him understand that the request cannot be fulfilled "here and now."
Practical advice and examples from life. Why is it important to learn how to say “no”?
Many are faced with obsessive people - they are usually friendly, but very persistently want something from us. The Village understands how to politely refuse such people if the fulfillment of their unexpected requests and demands is not included in your plans.
Denis Lunev
psychologist, business coach
The most famous way to solve this problem is called "I-message". This type of communication is used to express one's attitude to a person and to a situation without getting personal. Take several consecutive steps.
Step one: describe the situation as you see it. For example, "When they call me 20 times a day ..." or "When they expect me to do something that I cannot give ...". At this stage, the pronoun "you" should not sound.
The second step is a story about your feelings, emotions, experiences about what you said in the first step. For example, "I feel terribly upset," or "I feel guilty," or "I feel very uncomfortable."
The third step is a story about your desires: “I don’t want to ever pick up the phone again”, “I want peace and quiet”, “I want to hide”.
If the first three steps are taken sincerely, kindly, but directly, then they will have their due effect and prepare your counterpart for the fourth message - a specific proposal. So, the last step: "... therefore, I ask you to call no more than once every two days" or "... please, do not give me more gifts."
It is important throughout the conversation to talk only about yourself, your feelings and your reactions. Then you will not hurt your partner, but at the same time you will clearly make it clear your attitude and your desires.
Tatyana Weiser
Lecturer in Philosophy and Ethics, Faculty of Philosophy and Sociology, RANEPA
Obsessive people may have a dulled sense of boundaries: they may not recognize you as a value in itself, but simply pour their feelings and thoughts outward, using you as a free resource of attention. You must realize that your time and living space belongs primarily to you and you have the primary right to dispose of them. Being imposed, the person seems to be telling you: "I will manage your time, space and attention more than I will let you do it yourself." There is no reason to give him such a right.
In addition, obsessive people may hardly imagine themselves in your place in a similar situation, and if they were in it, they might not like it. For example, they would not want to waste time on something that is uninteresting or seems pointless. Do not keep their illusions on this score.
More often than not, obsessive people feel like you can't refuse them. And you cannot refuse them, because you are not quite sure that this should be done, and you are afraid of offending someone. You need to be clear about your values and goals in life. If you have defined them for yourself, you understand that time is a rather limited resource. You can spend it on nonsense, or you can manage to implement projects that are significant to you. When you realize your own and others' boundaries and learn to appreciate this living space, everything will work out by itself. You will express yourself more confidently, and cute and obsessive will feel in you enough strength of mind and will to bypass.
There are also simple rhetorical devices - to say in a polite, calm and confident tone: “Sorry, I don’t have time to talk now”, “Sorry, I’m busy with important business now”, “Thank you, we do not need your services”, “Sorry, I not interested in this topic”, “Unfortunately, this format / mode of communication does not suit me.” And sometimes it is useful to simply stop responding to expressed communicative acts, for example, to stop correspondence or not answering phone calls, so that the person stops seeing you as a potential addressee.
Illustration: Olya Volk
I can't refuse. That is, of course, I try to say no politely, but I very rarely succeed. Usually, all my attempts to politely refuse and at the same time not hurt the person end either with an insult or with the phrase “well, I’ll see what can be done.” The most extreme case - This . I don't know if a lie is small, good or half true. This is an even more difficult question.
constantly deceive - not a very good way out, which in the end will still lead to a conflict, since you will finally get confused and lie.
How to refuse your boss, who once again asks you to stay after work? How to say a firm “no” to your relatives so that they are not offended? How do you let your friends know that you can't help them right now?
In fact, there are a lot of options, we just don't know about them.
Your offer sounds very tempting, but unfortunately I have too much to do right now.
With the phrase “this sounds very tempting”, you make it clear to the person that his offer is of interest to you. And the second part says that you would love to participate (or help), but at the moment you have too many urgent tasks.
A beautiful refusal, but from my own experience I can say that for close friends or relatives, it will do it once or twice, and even then not in a row. If you refuse them in this way for the third time, the fourth time no one will offer you anything. This is especially true for picnics and other recreational activities.
Remember, once or twice - and then either change your social circle (for some reason you constantly refuse them?), or finally go somewhere. Suddenly you like it?
But for people you don't see that often, this answer is perfect.
I'm sorry, but the last time I did this or that, I had a negative experience
Mental or emotional trauma - another interesting option. Only a sadist will continue to insist that a person do what he did not like. Or a complete optimist with the slogan “What if the second time will be better?!”.
Although with some grandmothers trying to feed their emaciated offspring, the answers “I don’t eat meat,” “I’m lactose intolerant,” or “I don’t like boiled vegetables” do not work.
But if you say that the last time after you drank milk, you could not be in society all day because of stomach problems, you might be saved. Grandma, of course, will look at you a little askance and with a slight reproach, but she will not pour it into a cup with the words: “Well, this is homemade, from Aunt Klava, nothing will come of him!”.
I'd love to, but...
Another good way to say no. You would love to help, but unfortunately you can't at the moment. Just don't go into lengthy explanations of why.
First, starting to explain something in detail, you gradually begin to feel. And secondly, in this way you give the person the opportunity to cling to something in your story and persuade you.
Just a short and clear answer. No essays on the topic "I would love to, but you understand, I need to do ...".
To be honest, I'm not very good at this. Why don't you ask N, he's a pro at this
This is by no means a translation of the arrows.
If you've been asked to do something or help with advice, and you don't feel competent enough, why not suggest someone who really understands it? So you will not only not offend a person, but also show that you care and you are trying to help in any way you can.
I can't do it, but I'll be happy to help with…
On the one hand, you refuse to do what they are trying to impose on you, on the other - still help and at the same time choose what you want to do.
You look great, but I don't quite get it
What to do if a friend bought a dress that, to put it mildly, does not really suit her. Here the dilemma "who is more friend" arises. - the one to tell the truth, or the one to say she looks great in all the outfits?! This applies not only to appearance, but also to the choice of an apartment, work and life partner, after all.
But who are we to talk freely about fashion? If we were, for example, well-known designers, then we could criticize and immediately offer several other options to choose from.
And if not? Then either say everything as it is, if you are sure of the adequacy of a girlfriend or friend, or transfer the arrows to some celebrity from the world.
It sounds great! But now, unfortunately, I have a very tight schedule. Let me call you...
This answer is great when the option is interesting, but right now you're really not in a position to help. So you not only do not offend the person, but also leave for yourself the opportunity to join the offer that interests you a little later.
Even at lectures on psychology at the university, we were taught that it is necessary to refuse, starting a sentence with the word “yes”, and then adding the notorious “but”.
It works, though not always. It all depends on the situation and the person. You won’t be able to play around for a long time and sooner or later you will have to explain why it’s still “no”.
But if you are diplomatic and firm enough, then over time people will know that if you refuse, it’s not because you’re just too lazy or you don’t want to have anything to do with them, but because you are a very busy person and you will definitely you can, but a little later. In the end, people must learn to respect you and your opinion. As well as you - someone else's.
