How to let go of the past or how to let go of a situation. How to let go of the situation in a relationship with a man calmly and without suffering

You have been trying to figure out the problem for a long time. To no avail, looking for a way out of a difficult situation, trying to make at least some decision. If you share this with your friend, what is the most likely answer they will give you? The most common advice in this case is just let it go! But what does this mean? How to let go of the situation and not think about it if you can’t stop doing just that for months? It's not as easy as it might seem from the outside.

What situations are we talking about? For example, you have been without a relationship for a long time, and you can’t find a partner in any way. Or vice versa, you broke up, but you just can’t leave the relationship in the past. Can't find a good job. Restore good relations after a quarrel, although many times they tried to do this. In general, any situation that lasts long enough makes you feel tired of it, keeps you awake at night. But it can't be resolved.

Why is this happening?

How do such situations arise? It is clear, after all, that if you do not sleep at night, you constantly think about what happened, the advice to “let go” does not make sense. This means that the problem has such a high significance for you that you are not able to simply stop thinking about it.

First of all, you need to understand the meaning that it contains for you. And reduce the significance of this meaning or completely level it. Then the solution is sure to be found.

You get stuck on one or more levels. At the level of thoughts about the situation, the search for its resolution. At the level of feelings that you experienced or are experiencing about this. And on a subconscious level. That is, at the level of those feelings that you forbid yourself to realize and live, for a number of reasons. You deny them, drive them into the depths of your subconscious.

But they don't disappear. This is how the human psyche works. They affect you - your mood, your decisions and actions. Remaining, I remind you, out of the "visibility zone". A huge number of people do this with resentment, anger, aggression. They learn, not live them.

As a result, you think you have forgiven the person who betrayed you. But in fact, resentment continues to gnaw at you from the inside. You return to thoughts of the traitor again and again, not understanding why this is happening. Because you are still offended. Because, in order to fully forgive and move on, you need to survive this offense.

And you can have a lot of such pitfalls lying at the very bottom. Some of them live in you for a very long time, from early childhood. Someone is offended by mom, unloved. Someone has not survived and cannot survive the loss, death of a loved one.

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If you think that this has nothing to do with what is happening in your life today, you are mistaken. Influences, and the mechanism of this influence is described a little higher. Dealing with such ancient problems is difficult, and they must be able to find. If you feel that you can’t figure it out in any way, find a good psychologist, he has the knowledge and techniques to work with problems of this kind.

What stops us from letting go?

You got to the root of the problem. And even understood how to act to resolve it. But nothing works anyway. How so? Very simple. In addition to the reasons that trigger the mechanisms of looping on a situation (or a person, or a feeling), which are described above, there are other reasons that keep you in this state for a long time. No matter how uncomfortable you are. Let's talk a little about them.

fears

And yet, it still didn’t work out to let go of the situation (otherwise, why are you reading all this?). Then what's the point of talking about a pain pill when an amputation is required?

Operate in reverse

Try the reverse technique. For example, you cannot forget your loved one and suffer a lot about this. I suggest that you, in all seriousness, suffer as you should. You can't live without it, right?

Take a vacation at your own expense. I think three days will be enough. Lock yourself up at home, turn off your phone, the Internet, cut off all ties with the outside world. No TV or music. Focus on suffering. Cry, roll on the floor, tear your hair, feel sorry for yourself. Basically, kill yourself.

Break only for sleep. It doesn't even have to be. You can’t be distracted by anything, only tears and sorrow. But without external stimuli. No joint photos, "your songs" - just you and your head.

See how long you last. How soon you want to spit and run to your girlfriend. Or watch a TV series. Or... well, it doesn't matter. I'm not kidding and I'm not kidding. Any loss is a blow to the psyche, and it is accompanied by mental pain and corresponding experiences. But not three years?

You can consider this technique as an allegory. That is not to be taken literally. And just to conclude. What will this behavior show you (well, if you do all this seriously)? It will show you that you are overestimating the significance of the situation. That you have other needs, and some, such as the need for food, are much less illusory than the desire to be with the person who deceived you two years ago.

In a nutshell, if you want to stop winding yourself up and let go of a certain situation that has been tormenting you for a long time, you need to do the following. Find and realize the reasons why you can not let go of this situation. And reduce the significance of its meaning for you. Then the process of letting go will start by itself. In principle, it is already in full swing, but the moments described above simply slow it down a lot. Deal with them and you'll be fine.

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In the life of all people, events occur, some of which are then remembered for years and unpleasantly disturbing. Why is it easy to remember bad things, but forget about good ones? Here everything is attributed to the properties of memory, which holds the situation that a person wants to let go.

The desire to let go of the situation arises only when what a person remembers is unpleasant, painful, offensive to him. The Internet magazine site understands how difficult it becomes for a person who, willy-nilly, recalls an unpleasant past. Since this can affect his mood, well-being, and even performance, which decreases, you should understand how to let go of an unpleasant event.

How to let go of the situation?

To let go of the situation, you need to understand the reason why it is stuck in your head. Memory does not just scroll through certain memories. Note that the event you wish to release causes you to . Negative vivid emotions make you remember what happened. If these emotions were not there, then the situation would be forgotten by itself.

You should understand the reasons why you have emotions about the situation that you want to forget:

1. Why are you offended?
2. What makes you angry?
3. What do you disagree with?
4. What makes you angry?

There is a certain element in the situation that causes strong emotional experiences in a person. This element is important, dominant in the whole event. It is impossible to forget what matters to a person. Thus, it is necessary to identify this element and deprive it of its significance for itself:

1. What offended, now should not offend.
2. What caused the anger should now be indifferent to you.
3. What you disagreed with shouldn't matter now.
4. What annoyed you no longer concerns you.

In other words, discount the things that made you have unpleasant strong feelings. Then the situation itself will become the past, to which you will no longer pay attention.

In other ways, how to let go of the situation, psychologists call:

• Goal setting. While you lie on the bed and grieve, nothing in your life changes. Your present life gradually becomes that future when you remember the past. If you do not occupy yourself with anything, do not carry away, do not interest, then you fill your time with unpleasant memories.
• Getting new emotions and impressions. When people talk about taking a break, people misunderstand it. Forcing yourself to be distracted will not work (you probably tried it yourself and now you know). You can only encourage your brain to be distracted by saturating it with new events. Be active, meet new people, get involved in something, achieve new things, travel, visit new places, etc. All this will saturate your brain with new events that will cause you new emotions. They will block those experiences that you wanted to get rid of. You don’t have to let go of anything, everything will pass by itself and remain in the past.

Only a person decides what to spend his time on. If you do nothing, then nothing will happen. The person will still suffer as he did before. Therefore, nothing can be achieved without effort.

How to let go - psychology

The situation is sometimes impossible to let go for the reason that it needs to be resolved. For example, you quarreled with a loved one or you were fired from your job. You can't stop thinking about what happened. This is just a matter of solving the problem. However, difficulties are encountered at every turn.

While the problem developed, people quarreled or the person left his former place of work, he managed to quarrel with everyone, say a lot of unpleasant words and hear many unpleasant phrases addressed to him. Words and deeds made on emotions that arose due to the problem became significant. The problem itself has receded into the background.

A person can no longer let go of the situation, because he remembers how he was insulted, offended, not respected. And the problem itself, with which it all began, remains somewhere in the background. Psychologists advise giving yourself a couple of days to calm down your emotions, and then move on to solving the problem, rather than remembering what happened after it arose.

Of course, what happened on the basis of the problem that arose is unpleasant. However, if you do not solve the problem itself, then the situation will be difficult to let go. The more you think about what happened, the more you will be angry, aggressive, indignant. After all, you will remember what people have said to you and what you have done to them in response. You will not think about the problem while emotions are raging in you. That is why you first need to calm down, relax, and then think not about the situation of the conflict, but about the problem on the basis of which the conflict developed.

Here it is proposed to look at the problem from the outside. It didn't happen to you, but to someone else. If that were the case, what advice would you give to another person who had this problem? Start by solving the problem before moving on to the next one:

1. Forgive yourself and your opponent for those words and actions that were committed under the influence of emotions. Everyone wanted to defend their innocence and defend themselves when all their efforts were directed not at solving the problem.
2. Understand the behavior and words of another person, putting yourself in his place. If you were in the place of your "enemy", how would you behave? Most people behave the same way. Thus, your opponent acted in the same way as you would have behaved in his place.
3. Devalue your principles. If you want to make peace with someone, ask for forgiveness or resolve the situation in other ways, you will have to give up your pride, beliefs and principles that "other people owe you." You need to solve the problem, not other people. This means that you need to give in, seek compromises, act, etc.

How to let go of a person and a situation from thoughts and heart?

Quite often, people cannot forget their loved ones who left them, betrayed or left. It is not only the departure of another person that upsets, but also the way it was done. Often breaks in relationships occur due to betrayal, the appearance of third parties, the influence of relatives, the fading of feelings, deceit, betrayal, etc. In other words, it becomes difficult to let go of a person and a situation from the heart and thoughts if all this causes strong feelings and emotions.

What does it mean to let go of another person? It means accepting the fact of his absence in your life, stop thinking about him, including him in your plans, remembering him, taking into account his opinion, even being interested in what he might think in this or that situation. For example, you previously purchased food with another person, consulting what to buy. Now you need to realize that this person is not around, you are buying groceries alone. Now your opinion becomes the main thing when deciding what to buy. It doesn't matter what the other person would say about it.

It is quite difficult for women to let people go. If a man leaves the relationship, then the woman can worry about this for a long time. The advice “forget and don’t think” will not be effective here. Usually a woman needs a long time to make efforts to forget her beloved man. How to do it?

1. Look at the man with a sober look. Take off your rose-colored glasses and realize that you have met a person who has flaws. He's not as perfect as he seems. He may even have more faults than your neighbor or good friend. Look soberly and realistically at the man you dated. Look at him with a cold look, as if you never loved him.
2. Assess the relationship you had with this man. Surely they were imperfect, otherwise they would not have broken up. They just seemed strong to you if you wonder why the man left. If you really analyze what kind of relationship you had with a man, you will understand that they could not exist forever.
3. Remove all things that remind you of the past. If you look at something that brings up bad memories, it should be removed.
4. Stop blaming, blaming or being offended by someone. If you are offended by a man, then hold on to him. Stop feeling anything for the former gentleman at all, forgive him for everything, let him live the way he wants.
5. Meet new people. Engage yourself in a new job. Find a new hobby. All this will help you saturate yourself with new emotions and impressions.
6. Respect yourself. If they do not want to be with you, then this is the problem of another person. Do not run after anyone and do not persuade anyone. If people want to be with you, then let them come and offer you something.
7. Build a future without a former man. Dream, plan, fantasize so that your future is happy and your ex-boyfriend is not in it. Moreover, believe that your future will be just like that. You will be happy without your ex, so start putting effort into it.

Sometimes the memory starts to bring back good memories. How good it was for you with an ex-man on such and such a day and under such circumstances. You happily remember the good things, and then return to the present, where this man is no longer there. Don't make the mistake of thinking that this man was the only one who could make you happy. Pleasant moments you have happened to all men, not just this one. This suggests that they all tried. And when they stopped trying, the relationship deteriorated.

Thank your exes for the nice things they did for you, and believe that your future will be filled with no less good events, but with other men.

Women are also encouraged to transform their appearance. Get in shape, create a new image, change your wardrobe. When you see a beautiful woman in the mirror, you will stop thinking about an ungrateful man, because you will understand that you deserve better.

How to let go of a situation in a relationship?

Whether you broke up or something unpleasant just happened between you, the situation in a relationship can worry for a long time and cause unpleasant emotions. You can't let go while you're worried. Therefore, we offer the following ways to let go of the situation in the past:

1. Accept what happened. You can't change the past, no matter how much it hurts. Come to terms with what happened and direct your forces to the further development of events.
2. Resolve the situation. Here it is necessary to understand the reasons due to which the trouble occurred, after which either eliminate them, or never repeat the mistakes again.
3. Allow yourself to be happy. Whatever happened to you is now in the past. Fill your present with happiness. Allow yourself to do this and put in the effort.
4. Don't cling to the person. If he wants to leave, let him go. If he does something, let him make mistakes. Just don't take responsibility for what other people do. You are only responsible for what you do yourself.
5. Let the situation take its course. Sometimes not everything is within your control. If you can not solve the situation, then let it develop as it sees fit.

Letting go of the situation can be a difficult period, as people focus on the feelings, actions and words of others, which they cling to and continue to be offended. As a result, it makes you spend time on things that have long since passed. Here you just need to speak out and realize that the situation is in the past. If you can’t talk to friends or family, then you can turn to a psychologist.

People are constantly forced to deal with situations in which it is difficult to avoid negative experiences. It is not easy to forget, let go, get used to any circumstances. When the depressed mental state is aggravated, not far from a nervous breakdown or depression. And if you do not stop, troubles will turn into a long streak of failures, the desire to achieve the goal will be lost, and something truly valuable in life may be missed.

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In order to “let go” of a situation, first of all, you need to free yourself from it internally, in which practical psychology will help. First you need to deal with the reason that does not allow you to relax and entails resentment, anger, shame or other emotions. Provided that the reason is realized, it becomes easier to consider your condition, to highlight emotions as the last link in the chain, to feel independent of them.

Working with emotions

If emotions are affected in connection with an unpleasant situation, it makes sense to get rid of them. This requires a willingness to forgive or show new feelings. Often it is resentment that entails aggression, shame, guilt.

Emotions follow thoughts and actions, so sometimes understatement is an obstacle to a new, changed attitude towards a person. If you bring more clarity, certainty - all negative feelings will disappear by themselves. Anxiety and misunderstanding should be eliminated, contact with an important person through a message, call, meeting and clarify the relationship.

If a conflict has arisen, you need to consider possible ways of reconciliation, try to correct mistakes or recognize the existing order of things and permanently part with the people with whom the quarrel occurred. After recognizing the facts on a subconscious level, corresponding emotional changes occur and memories cease to bother. In a new attempt to improve relations, it is important to consider that if you move towards the expected result in the tried and tested ways, the same undesirable situation will occur, and therefore you need to make a decision to do something differently. You should find an algorithm of behavior leading to success.

If there are no other ways to achieve what you want, it would be right to realize your capabilities, principles, values, because of which events took such a turn. It will be right to expand the review, to look at what is happening from a different angle, to rise above the circumstances.

To completely let go of the negative, it is useful to provoke its release, allow yourself to cry and suffer, but strictly allotted time for this. It is worth allowing yourself to experience strong emotions of indignation, anger, but only in order to then let them go. The accumulation of negativity will require even more work on yourself.

In the next step, in order to learn to let go of emotions, it is helpful to involve yourself in an interesting or meaningful activity. Only by saturating each day with new events will it be possible to displace the impressions associated with the past. And it is not necessary to strive for something extraordinary, it is enough to decide to live a full life.

Tips from psychologists on how to behave in order to let go of the situation:

1. 1. Distract: As long as the memory of the event evokes emotions, it is impossible to arrive at anything rational. It is worth allowing yourself to cool down, temporarily devote yourself to performing other tasks.
2. 2. After achieving emotional calm, you can return to the consideration of the exciting situation again. It is useful to abstract from what happened, to consider all the details of the event from the position of an observer.
3. 3. Analyze the root cause of the situation, understand why it provoked such strong emotions. It happens that people are exposed to emotions, forgetting what caused them.
4. 4. Realize the essence of the problem, and not the feelings and actions that accompany it.
5. 5. Put yourself in the place of the people involved in the situation, which will help you see their motives and treat them differently.
6. 6. Forgive offenders, at least for the sake of your peace of mind, in order to be happy. Mentally, you need to tell the person about your regret about what happened. In the future, this will forever relieve negative emotions.
7. 7. Recognize the right of other people to be themselves, to think and decide in their own way.
8. 8. Understand that, having forgiven the offender, it is not necessary to continue to communicate with him. He must accept the consequences of his actions.

There is a method of writing in which a person transfers all the thoughts that excite him, without choosing phrases, onto paper. There is no need to send such a letter. When it is ready, it can be burned or hidden. This helps, without harming the offender, to understand oneself and the situation.

A break up

It is difficult to accept separation if feelings remain. An effective way to restore peace of mind is to realize that a person is free in a relationship and he decides how to act. And if the separation did not happen at the initiative of the partner, it is more rational to forgive the former lover.

Relationships cannot be predicted. If one of the partners has realized his failure in a couple, an attempt to keep him will not lead to anything positive.

It is also useful to see the chosen one from a different angle. It is the idealization of a person that does not allow one to agree with his departure. One must analyze his promises and actions, separating fact from illusion.

It is recommended to exclude thoughts about pleasant minutes spent with a person. Similar emotions could be in other respects. Understanding this fact explains that the beloved is not the only one with whom you can be happy.

Relationships that bring more pain than joy are recommended to break. When parting with a man, a woman should realize that what is keeping her close to him, perhaps, is no longer positive emotions, but unwillingness to change. In fact, there are all the prerequisites for happiness with another person in the future, you just need to be sure of this and act.

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where an “experienced” acquaintance, in response to your emotional speech, told you: “let go of the situation and everything will work out ... you should not keep everything under control ...”? Probably many have heard this phrase at least once, but few understand what this all-powerful “let go of the situation” means and how it looks in practice.

Freedom or a sign of weakness?

To understand how to let go of the situation, you must first understand why it is needed and why you should not try to keep it under control.

- There is always an option to fight or give everything into the hands of fate. But does this mean that having let go of the situation, we give up, give up what we want?

- Not at all!

We are simply moving “from the stage to the auditorium”, where we will be able to live the situation more comfortably and painlessly.

It is by moving away from the details (emotions) that we gain the opportunity to consider the whole picture, to notice the right opportunity that has turned up - the necessary twist of fate that will lead to happiness.

This is not about momentary joy from achieving a petty goal, when the mind and titanic efforts managed to drive everything into the usual or desired framework, but about the state of "full long-term happiness."

Observation is not meaningless, it implies our participation and actions, but not "chaotic exhaustion", but correct from the point of view of the Universe.

Why let go?

Being inside the situation, we are immersed in the desire to change something, rearrange it, fake it, challenge it, criticize it or reject it immediately as unacceptable. This happens due to the fact that we initially set a certain format for what we want, we try to keep it under control, and all the “puzzles of circumstances” that are not included in this framework cause irritation. But these "non-containable" nasty circumstances are nothing but the idea of ​​the Universe.

We all want True Love and True Happiness, but refuse the path that the inherently Perfect Universe is leading us on.

It turns out that dissatisfaction with circumstances is a rejection of the Universal Laws and dissatisfaction with the Higher Forces (everyone is free to mean by this the Universe, God, the Absolute, etc. according to their convictions). Anyone who is initially considered uninteresting, stupid and useless will treat you in much the same way, so why should the Higher Powers eventually lead to Happiness if there is no trust?

Letting go of the situation, not to be confused with inertia and lack of initiative, a person gets the opportunity to go through the door (or at least through the window, as the most persistent and stubborn ones), and not beat his head against the wall. Of course, the inner voice will demand to keep the situation under control and not let go, but it’s worth the risk and it turns out that the world not only didn’t collapse, but there may have been changes for the better.

What is the limit of worries and anxieties?

Of course, you can get emotional. We test them for a reason. And each of our experiences - a litmus test in the chemistry of life - draws attention to weaknesses, giving us the opportunity to work on ourselves. But prolonged negative emotions can unbalance so much that depression sets in.

The time to let go is when:

Thoughts revolve around a certain moment, causing negative emotions

There is no more strength, but there is an obsessive need to do something

The general condition is restless and interferes with living and enjoying life

This means your inner “susanin” mind has led you into the “swampy forest” and is not going to help you get out. It is such cases that require you to immediately let go of the situation and stop keeping everything under your control.

How to let go

1. We switch to let go of the situation.

One of the most difficult stages is to let go of the situation when it has grown together with you. It is imperative to find an occupation that will occupy the "Susanin" with another matter, so as not to go even further into the forest. It can be anything from shopping and cinemas to cleaning the house with washing windows. A distraction maneuver must be distracting, so “thinking” is strictly prohibited during it.

If you still can’t let go of the situation, then you can begin to mentally pronounce every action that you are performing at the moment. Concentrate on what is happening around: mentally describe the details, count everything that can be counted (you can count the breath), try to touch and analyze your feelings, etc.

2. Determine how this frustration relates to your "global" ultimate goal.

If you have passed the first step relatively successfully, then some freshness of brain activity is provided. Now let's take a look at the situation that you want to keep under control.

Let go. When should it be done? How to do it? I have a problem. She worries me a lot. I take certain actions, but the problem is not solved.

Let go. When should it be done? How to do it?

I have a problem. She worries me a lot. I take certain actions, but the problem is not solved.

I keep fighting but nothing changes. I feel sadness, anger, irritation, despair. I constantly think about my problem or about a person and his problems and I can’t figure out how to solve these problems.

I again take certain actions and understand that things have become even worse. I'd rather not do this.

And then they tell me: let go.

How can I let go when this problem occupies all my thoughts, all my feelings, all my strength and all my time! If I'm obsessed with this problem!

Everyone says to let go, but no one says how to do it. And what do you need to let go? A problem that worries me?

The person who gives me problems?

Or my own anxiety?

First, I looked in the dictionary:Dictionary: let go - give freedom; let go; stop holding; provide an opportunity to move; weaken, make more free; forgive (in the expression "let go of sin").

What is "letting go"?

Letting go is an opportunity to step back a few steps from the situation that is causing me problems, or the person whose problems I am concerned about.

When I am in the midst of a difficult situation, it is difficult for me to assess what is happening.

This state was wonderfully described by Yesenin.“You didn’t know That I was in a continuous smoke, In a life torn apart by a storm That’s why I suffer that I don’t understand - Where the fate of events is taking us. Face to face You can't see the face. Big is seen from a distance. When the sea surface boils - The ship is in a deplorable state.

Letting go means trying to look at a difficult situation, a difficult problem from the outside.

Letting go means to slightly increase the distance between me and the problem that worries me, between me and the person I'm worried about. Increase the distance to look at all this from a different angle, as if from the side.

The world is like a big choir, where each person has his own part. Let's say I'm doing my soprano part and there's a tenor singing next to me and he's terribly out of tune, and he's always out of tune, at every concert. And I have repeatedly told him about this.

What can I do in this situation?

Start fake with him, adjusting to him?

Hit him on the head with a score and yell, “Stop being fake!”? Stop the concert and apologize to the audience?

Throw down your score in annoyance and leave the stage in an offended way?

To tell the tenor: “Come on, you will be silent, and I will sing instead of you?” or “Let’s be quiet, and I will perform both of our parts at the same time?”.

Or order him to stop singing, and if he does not stop, start intimidating him, saying that I will snitch on him to the conductor?

It's funny and stupid, isn't it? Kinda childish?

But we do so often in life.

The only thing I can do in this situation is to step back.

Say to yourself, “All I can do is keep playing my part well. I can't change this man, I can't change the world." This is what it means to let go.

But why is it so hard to let go?

Why is it so difficult to increase this distance even a little?

Because we get sick pathologically attached to people or problems. By attachment, I do not mean normal feelings when we sympathize with people, sympathize with their problems, or feel part of a family, clan, team, country. Painful, pathological attachment is such a state when we become over-involved, over-responsible, as if obsessed.

When our consciousness is painfully obsessed with thoughts about someone or something, it is impossible to focus on something else, on some other problems or people, focus on ourselves, our thoughts, our feelings, our life.

All thoughts constantly revolve around only one single problem or one single person and his problems.

The whole world shrinks to just this problem or just this person.

We become attached to a person or problem mentally, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, even physically.

We focus all of our energies on people and issues. And we begin to lack the energy to live our own lives, solve our own problems. We begin to feel constant fatigue, weakness, irritability.

We are like a charger for a cell phone: the phone has been charged for a long time, the message “Battery is charged, unplug the charger to save power” appeared on the screen. But we still do not disconnect, we continue to remain connected, and continue to charge and charge, although nothing is charging anymore and no one needs our energy. We continue to give energy.

We can't detach, we can't let go. Our attachment becomes unhealthy, painful.

Painful attachment can take many forms.

Let's consider some of them:

1) mental attachment: we constantly think about a person or about a problem, our attention is obsessed with this problem all the time;

“I think only about this and can’t think about anything else”;

2) mental attachment (for example, attachment by fear): "if I do not do what he wants, he will be furious";

“if I do it my way, she will have another heart attack”;

“If I don’t do this, they will stop respecting me”;

3) automatic reaction: we act unconsciously, we react to something or someone automatically, without thinking, almost at the level of a reflex, without understanding what we feel and think

“she pissed me off, so I broke down”;

“he always brings me to tears”;

"It pisses me off when they make remarks to me."

Moreover, we begin to react excessively, any trifle can cause us a storm of emotions. At the same time, we do not understand what exactly caused us such a storm of emotions.

4) emotional attachment:

we can become emotionally dependent on the people around us

“I feel sad when she is sad”;

"I get angry when he gets angry";

5) psychological attachment: we can become rescuers, accomplices, that is, people who constantly care for others, attaching ourselves to their needs

"Did you take an umbrella?";

“Did you call work that you would be late?”;

“I have already booked you to the doctor”;

"You must take this medicine";

"I made you sandwiches for work, don't forget to eat"

6) emotional attachment: “I can’t get out of depression, I cry all the time, I drink antidepressants - she got married and left me, her mother, and I gave her my whole life. Now her husband is more important than her mother!”

7)and even physical!“My mother had high blood pressure on the day of our wedding and she did not attend our wedding, the next day she was taken to the hospital by ambulance. Now I constantly have to live with my mother for a long time, and then she feels good. As soon as I move in with my wife, my mother immediately becomes ill. This has been going on for a year now. My wife wants to divorce me. What should I do?!"

When we cannot pull away or let go, we fall into painful attachment, we become obsessed. Obsession with another human being or problem is a terrible condition.

Have you ever seen anyone who is obsessed with someone or something?

Remember the character from Bulgakov's novel "The Master and Margarita" by the poet Ivan Bezdomny. After meeting with Woland, he became obsessed with the idea of ​​capturing Woland and his entire gang.

But all his attempts come to nothing, and, in the end, he ends up in a psychiatric hospital with a diagnosis of schizophrenia.

But if he had not been possessed, he would have been able to reason sensibly and would have been able to understand that it is impossible for a person to catch evil spirits.

Or remember a man who has just fallen in love. He can't talk about anything other than the object of his love. And even if he sits silently, and, as it seems to you, listens to you, he is far away with his thoughts. In his head, the image of his beloved or beloved is constantly spinning, what he said, what he did, how he laughed, how he looked, etc.

Or remember a person who is overcome by jealousy.

He rummages in his pockets, looks through the mail, looks through the messages on the phone, looking for signs of treason. And what, it can give any result?

Even if he discovers something and makes a scandal, then his partner will begin from this moment to hide the traces of betrayal even more carefully.

When you ask such people how they feel, they talk about how the other person feels.

When you ask such people what they are doing, they talk about what the other person is doing.

The whole focus of their attention is on someone or something, but not on themselves. They can't say what they feel and think because they don't know it.

Their focus is not on themselves.

She does not call, and by this time she usually called. Where is she now? He doesn't answer the phone, but he should.

Why doesn't he answer the phone? She usually comes home at 7, but now it's already 8. What happened to her?

You don't know what; you don't know why; you don't know when; but you know for sure: something bad - something terrible - has already happened, is happening at the moment or is about to happen. Anxiety is what obsession, painful attachment, over-involvement and over-responsibility lead to.

Fear usually grips us for a short time, but anxiety hangs in the air all the time. It covers and paralyzes consciousness, we begin to endlessly scroll through the same useless thoughts.

It is very difficult to cope with the obsession with obsessive thoughts and anxiety. You can't just sit still and relax.

We begin to feel that we urgently need to do something. But since our consciousness is paralyzed by anxiety, we start doing meaningless and useless things.

Healthy, rational thoughts cease to cross our minds.

We begin to fuss, constantly doing something in order to reduce the feeling of anxiety. If there is absolutely no opportunity to occupy yourself in order to distract from disturbing thoughts, then you can chew gum, bite your nails, smoke continuously and perform other compulsive actions.

We worry, fuss, do something all the time, keep other people under close attention and constant control. dey.

What if they do something wrong?

Maybe we need to do something to change their behavior?

Why do we want to be in control?

In addition to the fact that control reduces feelings of anxiety, the source of the need to control others is that we all need love and security.

Perhaps we lacked love and security as children, and now we are trying to take by force what we so lacked. We try to control others in order to get what we need from them - love and security.

If we are in control, then we cannot or do not know how to get what we need from others in another way, or we are very afraid of losing what we have.

This means that we are very bad. We are scared, hurt, sad, lonely.

On the other hand, very often when we solve other people's problems, we mean that these others, in gratitude, will solve our problems.

We continue to be small, weak, helpless children, unwilling to solve our own problems.Also, we all have an unconscious desire to feel stronger than we really are. And this is also the source of the desire to control others. Power over others gives a sense of power.

We may have carried a sense of weakness and helplessness from our childhood. And now we need to control others in order to feel stronger. Control takes the place of strength.

Indeed, in childhood, our adult and strong parents controlled us - small and weak. Perhaps we lived for a long time only for others, lived only their lives, and we have no life left of our own.

Now, in order to reduce the feeling of anxiety, we must remain attached to them. We know that we are still alive if we have someone to worry about and someone to control. If we lose the object of our obsession, then it becomes as if we have nothing to live for, an emptiness forms in our life.

As a result, we are drawn into a vicious circle: obsession - anxiety - control.

The more I begin to control, the more obsessively I begin to think about the problem or person that I control.

The more obsessive I become, the more I become anxious.

The more I worry, the more and more I become in control.

The situation is getting out of control, I am being pulled into this vicious circle, into the whirlpool.

There is a feeling that I am sinking to the bottom of a deep well. As soon as we become attached by anxiety and worry to someone or something, we immediately move away from ourselves.

We lose touch with ourselves. We stop thinking, feeling, acting and taking care of ourselves. We are no longer interested in ourselves. We lose control over ourselves and our lives.

So letting go is something we need to do first in order to start working on ourselves, living our own life, experiencing our own feelings, and solving our own problems.

How to let go of the obsession with painful thoughts, anxiety and the desire to control?

How to focus on yourself, your life, on solving your problems?

The ideal of letting go is to lovingly distance yourself from the problem or person. We distance ourselves mentally, emotionally, and sometimes even physically.

Letting go means letting life take its course, letting people have their own way.

We believe that each person is responsible for himself, that we cannot solve problems that are not ours. We allow people to be who they are. We allow people to be the way they came into this world. We allow them to be responsible for themselves.

In order to let go, I first need to determine if the problem I'm worried about is mine?

There are various options here:

1) the problem is mine

2) the problem is yours

3) the problem is our common

4) there is no problem at all

If the problem is ours, then we try to determine what we can do in this situation and try to do it. But if we cannot do something, or if we understand that our efforts lead to nothing, that our efforts are meaningless, we let go of this situation. We strive to find out whose problem is, and what we can and cannot change. We do what we can to resolve the issue.

If we can't solve a problem, but we've done our best, it means we're learning to live with the problem, or in spite of the problem.

I will give an example from my own experience. My husband gets up when I leave for work. And then one day I get up early in the morning, go to the kitchen to put the kettle on and suddenly I see a dirty Turk with yesterday's dried coffee on the stove.

I boil all over and think: “Well, nothing! I'll tell him everything tonight!

And then I stop and start a dialogue with myself: “Are you going to drink coffee now? No. I always drink tea in the morning.

Do you need a Turk for this? No.

Does your husband always drink coffee in the morning? Yes.

So he will get up, go to make coffee for himself, see that the Turk is dirty, and wash it. Do you care when he cleans it, yesterday or today?”

And then I realize that this is not my problem! And I'm letting go.

Recall the tenor example I gave in the first part. What can I do in this situation?

I can say to the tenor: “It seems to me that you and I sing in different keys. To be honest, it prevents me from singing, and it really annoys me. Is there any way we can resolve this issue?"

If he agrees, then we work with him to solve the problem together. If he does not agree, I have no choice but to continue to try to play my part as well as possible.

I can ask the conductor to put me in some other place, next to another tenor.

And that's it.

And I don’t become hostile to this person, I don’t stop talking to him, I don’t get angry with him, I don’t discuss him with colleagues behind his back, I don’t slander him.This is what it means to let go with love.

Letting go involves accepting reality and accepting the facts. It requires faith - in yourself, in other people, in the natural order of things in this world.

We believe that fate has prepared some trials for us, and some for other people. And that everyone must pass their tests and draw their own conclusions. Even from mistakes.

Letting go doesn't mean we don't care.

It means that we learn to love, care for, relate to other people without necessarily going crazy, obsessing and controlling people and their behavior.

We stop worrying about others and they start worrying about themselves. Each of us is busy with our own lives.

Until now, we have lived for other people, for other people, instead of other people. And they did nothing for themselves.

And our loved ones thought that we did not have any interests of our own, that it was enough for us to live their life.

Now, when we begin to live our own lives, our loved ones discover that we have something else, a life of our own. They become interested. If before that they were not interested in us, now they are beginning to be interested in our problems, our needs, our interests, our life.

They start asking questions: What are you doing? Where have you been? Can I help you? What are you thinking about? What are you reading? You meet? Etc.

As soon as we become interesting to ourselves, so immediately we become interesting to other people. When should we let go?

When we cannot stop thinking about someone or something, talking about someone or something, worrying about someone or something; when we cannot stop controlling someone or something; when we think we can no longer live with this problem.

Here is a good rule of thumb: we need to start letting go the most when it seems to us the least possible.

Letting go takes the first step, accepting the truth that I've become obsessed. that I have lost control of myself, of my own life, that I have a problem that I cannot let go of, that I am powerless over this problem, that I constantly think obsessively about this problem or about this person and his problems, that I obsessed not only with thoughts, but also with anxiety, which I try to control.

This includes acknowledging that I need love, security, support and care, that I lack it, and that I am trying to get it by controlling other people. That I need a sense of power, and that's why I'm trying to control. Honesty is very important here. Honesty to yourself and to others.

As terrible as the truth about me and my behavior is, knowing the truth about myself sets me free. Free to change your life for the better, get out of the slavery of obsession, anxiety and control.

You can take this first step, admit the truth about yourself, at free, open psychological support groups that work according to the 12-step program.

Here's what the first step of the 12-step program sounds like:

"We admitted that we were powerless over the problem, that we had lost control of ourselves."

In order to start letting go of a situation, a problem, or a person, you first need to admit that I have a situation in which I am not completely in control of myself, I am obsessed and I cannot think of anything else. We come to the group, talk about what keeps us captivated by obsession.

We talk about the problem, and it becomes easier for us. Before our eyes, as it were, the fog dissipates, and we begin to see more clearly our situation and our problems. On the other hand, in the group we listen to the stories of other people, find out how they let go of their obsession, learn from their experience. We also understand that this is not only our unique problem.

Other people have these problems too.

In the process of letting go, it is very important to remember a few things:

1) We don't drop a problem or a person. We let go of a problem or a person, believing that everything in this world develops according to its own laws, over which we have no control.

The movement of electrons in orbits, the structure of molecules, the location of genes in DNA, the movement of planets around the Sun, the location of galaxies in the Universe - everything obeys certain laws that we cannot influence.

Perhaps the fate of each person is subject to certain laws over which we have no control?

Why do we think that we are able to influence the life and fate of other people?

Why do we think we are able to solve any problems? Are we gods? Have we created this Universe and its laws?

Even if we were not there, life would continue to go on as usual according to its own laws. Example. One day I got seriously ill. I could not walk, sit, sleep, eat, drink.

Even laying down was extremely painful. But at the same time, I continued to think about my family: everything will go topsy-turvy, everything will collapse without me, everyone will go hungry, dirty, ragged. But it turned out that this was not the case.

Life continued to go on as usual without me: food was bought, food was prepared, linen was washed, buttons were sewn on, homework was done.

And suddenly I realized that if I had died now, nothing would have changed, no one would have died. They would burn, perhaps. And they continued to live. But I fancied myself irreplaceable, almost God! I was sure that life would stop without me.

2) Letting go is a process. It doesn't happen instantly.

We did not fall into this state instantly either, we were gradually sucked in by this process of obsession, anxiety, control, gradually worsening our condition. Also, we are gradually getting out of it. Sometimes we can't let go, pull away immediately, abruptly. It's hard and painful for us. Then we do it gradually, step by step.

Example. How I taught my son to go to school on his own. It was a 10-15 minute walk to school. The problem was that on the way to the school it was necessary to cross two lanes without crossings and traffic lights with very busy traffic. Of course, at first I took my son to school by myself.

Then we agreed that he would walk on his own, and I would walk behind him at a distance of about 20 meters and watch him cross.

In the end, I was convinced that he could do it himself, calmed down, and he began to go to school on his own.

I let go not only and not so much of my son, I let go of my desire to control my son and his anxiety that he will do everything wrong, that he will get hit by a car. In fact, I did not let go of him, I let go of my inner state of obsession, anxiety and control.

3) Do not start letting go immediately with the most difficult problems, for example, trying to let go of difficult family problems.

For starters, you can practice letting go in small things.

As in that example about a dirty Turk with dried coffee, which I already gave. In our lives, there are always little things to practice on: toys not removed, socks thrown on the floor, homework not done, a dirty cup, etc.

4) Letting go is a difficult process, it doesn't happen instantly.

This can be intimidating at first.

I have to be ready for this. If I'm not ready to let go, I feel like I'm going to get hurt, that I'm going to get depressed, that I'm going to have a nervous breakdown, then I don't let go.

I ask myself if I can do it now or not. If I can't, then I don't. Here, too, honesty to oneself and to another person is very important. If I tell a person that I will no longer interfere in his affairs, but continue to do so, then I only make the situation worse.

Better not lie to myself and say that I can't do it yet, I can't let go. Someday I'll make it, yeah

Many people have done it before me, and they have succeeded, and I will succeed, but not now. Now I can't do it. And continue to live with this problem, believing that in the future I will definitely have the strength so that I can take this step, be able to let go.

Example. When my son became an adult, I realized that it was time for him to live on his own, and we parted. It was such a sudden release that I became depressed.

Two months later, I became very ill, and I went to a psychiatrist.

He prescribed me antidepressants and I even took them for a week.

And suddenly I asked myself: “Why are you taking these pills? What are you trying to drown out with these pills? What don't you want to think about? What don't you want to work on?"

I stopped taking antidepressants and began to slowly come out of depression. In total, I got out of depression for four months.

5) When I start letting go, I have to share it with others. It is impossible to let go alone, it is very difficult psychologically.

I should have a “support group”, people who understand me, to whom I can honestly tell about my problems. The 12-step groups are of great help in this process.

When I start to let go, I start to change my behavior, I start to behave in a new way, it can be very painful for me, very difficult psychologically. By coming to a group and just talking about what worries me, what I'm worried about, sharing with other people, I feel lighter in the process of letting go.

I talk about my process of letting go, about my feelings and my thoughts to someone else, other people, and this helps me behave in a healthy way, because other people see my situation from the side, and they can tell me when I do what - some wrong steps, I'm going in the wrong direction, I don't see something.

I learn how other people do it and it helps me. They can also support me by telling me that I am doing everything right. To cheer me up when it’s hard, bad and painful for me, to say that I will succeed. They can help me.

6) When I start to let go, I have to tell about it to those around me, to my loved ones.

Because they may not understand what is happening, why I have changed so much, why my behavior has changed so much.

My new behavior may start to frighten them, may come as a shock to them. After all, I begin to behave in a new, unusual way for them.

7) It is important to remember that at the first moment the situation may even worsen at first glance.

Because, firstly, I will experience severe emotional problems due to the fact that I act differently, not in the same way as before, in an unusual way for myself. And to another person, he, too, can become ill at first.

All the time I was like a crutch for another person, on which he used to rely, I am always there, I take on all his problems, and he practically does not bear responsibility for his life.

He is used to having someone else solve his problems.

And then it suddenly turns out that now he will be responsible for his own life, that his crutch is suddenly taken away. At the first moment, he may fall because he is not used to taking responsibility, he is not used to doing something himself. There is a feeling that everything has become even worse, and you need to be prepared for this.

Realizing that then, after some time, the situation will begin to improve. Everything will return to the correct state, to the state that it should be.

It's like in the case of influenza or acute respiratory infections. The temperature rises, the body aches, the head hurts very much. I want to take a pill to bring down the temperature.

But the doctor does not advise to bring down the temperature, you need to endure. The body fights and develops immunity.

At first, it’s bad, but then the temperature will drop by itself, and the body will begin to recover faster.

Why does it get so hard in the beginning, when we let go and change our behavior?

Because it is very difficult to abandon the habitual way of behavior. This is how we are arranged, we get used to everything, adapt, even to bad things, this is how our psyche works.

Therefore, even bad, but familiar, is more comfortable for us than new and good, but unusual.

This property of our psyche helps us survive in the most difficult conditions. Otherwise, our psyche could not stand it.

But the same property of our psyche prevents us when we need to change something in life.

In ordinary life, for example, this manifests itself in the fact that the new fashion is at first shocking and seems ugly. For example, flared trousers or skin-tight.

But after a while we get used to it, and after a while the new fashion begins to seem to us not only attractive, but even beautiful and comfortable.

8) Letting go includes "living in the moment" - living in the here and now.

How often do I find myself thinking in the future: "When I have an interesting job ...".

And sometimes in the past: “Oh, if I hadn’t done it then, then ...!”

In fact, I live either in the past or in the future.

And I don't do anything right now.

The process of letting go requires me to focus on the present moment, on what is happening now.

9) How else can I help myself in the process of letting go?

How can you help yourself think clearly?

I can remember some similar situations from the past that I tried to control, but I couldn’t do anything, but which eventually somehow resolved without my intervention.

I can remember them and support myself with the fact that I already had this when I tried to get into other than my own affairs, and nothing happened, and then everything was decided without me.

Maybe it will be the same this time?

10) It must be remembered that in a state of possession, anxiety and control, thinking becomes "tunnel". I see only the problem that is bothering me and I don't see anything else around. My whole life centers around this problem.

To help me think straight, I can make a list of all the good things in my life right now, apart from this problem that worries me.

I have many good things in life. But for some reason I don't pay attention to it. Food, work, health, a roof over your head, family and friends.

Maybe other people don't even have that?

What is more in my life: good or bad?

11) I can put on one side of the scale all the good things that I have in life, and on the other what I obsessively think about. And ask myself, am I willing to sacrifice all the good things that I have for the sake of solving this problem?

Is this problem or this person and his problems worth sacrificing everything for them?If you have any questions on this topic, ask them to specialists and readers of our project

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness - together we change the world! © econet