We usually say: don't worry, hold on, everything will be fine, time heals and other similar words, which, unfortunately, only increase anxiety and do not bring relief. This support does not work. How can you help someone cope with pain? About this in our article.
Why the above words do not work, we told in the article "5 phrases that you can not say to a person when he is upset". And now we will discuss what to do after all.
- Let a person grieve, give him the opportunity to be confused, irritable, whiny, weak
There is no need to convince a person of the insignificance of what happened and ask him to pull himself together, calm down, etc. Accept his pain, his feelings, do not devalue them. Let him manifest them as he needs at the moment. Let him get angry, scream, cry. Don't let him experience those feelings. They cannot be suppressed. If a person withdraws from others, often cries, has nightmares, experiences pain, weakness, vulnerability, and even shows excessive irritability and anger - this is normal and should not be drowned out with alcohol or valerian. Such feelings cannot be driven inside, they must be released and lived.
- Be there
A person who is experiencing inner pain needs the presence of others, but only such a presence from which one does not need to defend himself (that is, when “5 phrases that cannot be said to a person who is upset”) are not said. Just be close to your loved one at the moment when he needs it the most. Treat with respect and empathy for his condition and his pain. If we talk about specific words, then we can say: “I see how it hurts, it’s hard, it’s scary, etc. You are entitled to these feelings and emotions. And I'm there."
- Encourage the person to talk about grief and their experiences
A person in grief can talk about the same thing several times. This is fine. It is important not to interrupt him, not to translate the topic, not to suggest that you need to think only about the good. Give him the opportunity to safely (without depreciation and prohibitions) talk about deep topics related to feelings (shame, grief, grief, weakness, anger, etc.). Many people think that it is better not to talk about a traumatic event so as not to upset a loved one. But in fact, it is very useful to talk about what happened, to discuss, to remember. This enables a person to share their experiences with others and experience them.
- Call a spade a spade
Often in crisis situations, people believe that it is better not to call a spade a spade, otherwise they will injure a loved one. For example, instead of "died" say "gone." Instead of "depression" - "he does not feel well", "not everything is in order with you." Psychologists say this is not true. Calling things by their proper names is a great support for a person who is traumatized. This is how you designate reality, which helps him accept it and live it.
- Don't judge what happened
Estimates are always rationalization, that is, avoiding feelings. And a person in a period of mourning cannot leave his emotions, they must be lived. Everything else later. In our culture, unfortunately, it is not customary to show one's negative feelings (anger, pain, confusion, despair, etc.). We respect the person who holds on despite grief. To hold on means to drive your feelings deep inside. And the best way to do this is to try to rationally explain what happened and why, draw conclusions, etc. That is, to translate your emotions and feelings into a rational plane. But suppressed emotions will not go anywhere, after some time they will still make themselves felt in the form of various diseases and psychosomatic disorders. The best thing you can do for your loved one is to cry together over grief, and not to call “Get together, rag! You need to feed the kids!" That's all later, first let the person live their pain. Be respectful of his feelings.
Our Main Thought Library has a review of a very interesting book by psychologist Martin Seligman, How to Learn Optimism. In it, he gives techniques on how to quickly recover from setbacks. Read them, they will help you and your loved ones survive crises and maintain health and optimism.
We all know how hard it is to be in a situation where you need to comfort someone, but there are no right words.
Fortunately, more often than not, people don't expect specific advice from us. It is important for them to feel that someone understands them, that they are not alone. So first, just describe how you feel. For example, with the help of such phrases: “I know that it’s very hard for you now”, “I’m sorry that it’s so hard for you.” So you will make it clear that you really see what a loved one is feeling now.
2. Confirm that you understand these feelings.
But be careful, do not draw all the attention to yourself, do not try to prove that you were even worse. Briefly mention that you have also been in a similar situation before, and ask more about the condition of the one you are comforting.
3. Help a loved one sort out the problem
Even if a person is looking for ways to resolve a difficult situation, first he just needs to speak out. This is especially true for women.
So wait to offer solutions to the problem and listen. This will help the person you are comforting to sort out their feelings. After all, sometimes it is easier to understand your own experiences by talking about them to others. Answering your questions, the interlocutor can find some solutions himself, understand that everything is not as bad as it seems, and simply feel relieved.
Here are some phrases and questions that can be used in this case:
- Tell me what happened.
- Say what's bothering you.
- What led to this?
- Help me understand how you feel.
- What scares you the most?
At the same time, try to avoid questions with the word "why", they are too similar to condemnation and will only anger the interlocutor.
4. Do not minimize the suffering of the interlocutor and do not try to make him laugh
When we are faced with the tears of a loved one, we, quite naturally, want to cheer him up or convince him that his problems are not so terrible. But what seems trifling to ourselves can often upset others. So don't minimize the other person's suffering.
And if someone really worries about a trifle? Ask if there is any data that diverges from his view of the situation. Then offer your opinion and share an alternative way out. Here it is very important to clarify whether they want to hear your opinion, without this it may seem too aggressive.
5. Offer physical support if appropriate
Sometimes people do not want to talk at all, they just need to feel that there is a loved one nearby. In such cases, it is not always easy to decide how to behave.
Your actions should correspond to the usual behavior with this or that person. If you are not too close, it will be enough to put a hand on your shoulder or lightly hug. Also look at the behavior of the other person, perhaps he himself will make it clear what he needs.
Remember that you should not be too zealous when comforting: a partner may take this for flirting and be offended.
6. Suggest ways to solve the problem
If the person only needs your support and not specific advice, the above steps may be sufficient. By sharing your experiences, your interlocutor will feel relieved.
Ask if there is anything else you can do. If the conversation takes place in the evening, and most often it does, offer to go to bed. As you know, the morning is wiser than the evening.
If your advice is needed, ask first if the other person has any ideas. Decisions are made more readily when they come from someone who is in a contentious situation. If the person you are comforting has a vague idea of what can be done in their position, help develop concrete steps. If he does not know what to do at all, offer your options.
If a person is sad not because of any particular event, but because he has, immediately proceed to a discussion of specific actions that can help. Or offer to do something like go for a walk together. Excessive thinking will not only not help get rid of depression, but, on the contrary, will aggravate it.
7. Promise to continue to support
At the end of the conversation, be sure to mention again that you understand how hard it is for a loved one now, and that you are ready to continue to support him in everything.
What to do when the mood is at zero ... when you give up ... when you don’t see where to go, and you want to quit everything ... once and for all.
Know that even in this moment you are NOT ALONE. There are a LOT of people like you. There really are a LOT of us!
So different, so unlike... and yet I = YOU. YOU = I.
We offer you 20 quotes from famous people as support and inspiration on your way! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
1. "If you're always in a hurry, you might miss a miracle." Lewis Carroll
2. "Believe in the fact that there is something to live for, and your faith will help this fact to come true." William James
3. "To reach the goal, you must first go." Honore de Balzac
4. "The biggest mistake you can make in life is the constant fear of being wrong." Elbert Hubbard
5. “What is the purpose of man? Be him." Stanislav Lets
6. "Knowledge is a treasure trove, but the key to it is practice." Fuller Thomas
7. “Life is not suffering. It's just that you suffer from it instead of living and enjoying it." Dan Millman
8. "The fate of the person who sits in the seat does not move either." Philip Farmer
9. “There is no point in looking for a place where you will feel good. It makes sense to learn how to create it well anywhere ... "
10. "You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can always raise the sails to reach your goal." Oscar Wilde
11. “When you feel very bad, raise your head. You will definitely see the sunshine." Drew Barrymore
12. “While we pedal and steer towards the goal, it is important not to forget about the beauty that opens before us every day.” Paulo Coelho
13. "Life is beautiful when you create it yourself." Sophie Marceau
14. “When you really want something, the whole Universe will contribute to making your desire come true.” Paulo Coelho
15. "Forgiveness doesn't change the past, but frees the future."
16. “This world is like an echo in the mountains: if we give up anger, anger returns; if we give love, love returns.” Osho
17. “Most people are only as happy as they choose to be.” Abraham Lincoln
18. “You can only see what you believe. Believe and you will see." Wayne Dyer
19. “You won’t see the most important thing; only the heart is vigilant." Antois De Saint Exupery
20. “The goal of every person’s life is to become as happy as possible. Happiness is the goal to which all other goals are reduced. » Deepak Chopra
Many thanks to my Vkontakte administrator Natalya Bukhovtseva for such a wonderful selection of quotes!
We all know how hard it is to be in a situation where you need to comfort someone, but there are no right words.
Fortunately, more often than not, people don't expect specific advice from us. It is important for them to feel that someone understands them, that they are not alone. So first, just describe how you feel. For example, with the help of such phrases: “I know that it’s very hard for you now”, “I’m sorry that it’s so hard for you.” So you will make it clear that you really see what a loved one is feeling now.
2. Confirm that you understand these feelings.
But be careful, do not draw all the attention to yourself, do not try to prove that you were even worse. Briefly mention that you have also been in a similar situation before, and ask more about the condition of the one you are comforting.
3. Help a loved one sort out the problem
Even if a person is looking for ways to resolve a difficult situation, first he just needs to speak out. This is especially true for women.
So wait to offer solutions to the problem and listen. This will help the person you are comforting to sort out their feelings. After all, sometimes it is easier to understand your own experiences by talking about them to others. Answering your questions, the interlocutor can find some solutions himself, understand that everything is not as bad as it seems, and simply feel relieved.
Here are some phrases and questions that can be used in this case:
- Tell me what happened.
- Say what's bothering you.
- What led to this?
- Help me understand how you feel.
- What scares you the most?
At the same time, try to avoid questions with the word "why", they are too similar to condemnation and will only anger the interlocutor.
4. Do not minimize the suffering of the interlocutor and do not try to make him laugh
When we are faced with the tears of a loved one, we, quite naturally, want to cheer him up or convince him that his problems are not so terrible. But what seems trifling to ourselves can often upset others. So don't minimize the other person's suffering.
And if someone really worries about a trifle? Ask if there is any data that diverges from his view of the situation. Then offer your opinion and share an alternative way out. Here it is very important to clarify whether they want to hear your opinion, without this it may seem too aggressive.
5. Offer physical support if appropriate
Sometimes people do not want to talk at all, they just need to feel that there is a loved one nearby. In such cases, it is not always easy to decide how to behave.
Your actions should correspond to the usual behavior with this or that person. If you are not too close, it will be enough to put a hand on your shoulder or lightly hug. Also look at the behavior of the other person, perhaps he himself will make it clear what he needs.
Remember that you should not be too zealous when comforting: a partner may take this for flirting and be offended.
6. Suggest ways to solve the problem
If the person only needs your support and not specific advice, the above steps may be sufficient. By sharing your experiences, your interlocutor will feel relieved.
Ask if there is anything else you can do. If the conversation takes place in the evening, and most often it does, offer to go to bed. As you know, the morning is wiser than the evening.
If your advice is needed, ask first if the other person has any ideas. Decisions are made more readily when they come from someone who is in a contentious situation. If the person you are comforting has a vague idea of what can be done in their position, help develop concrete steps. If he does not know what to do at all, offer your options.
If a person is sad not because of any particular event, but because he has, immediately proceed to a discussion of specific actions that can help. Or offer to do something like go for a walk together. Excessive thinking will not only not help get rid of depression, but, on the contrary, will aggravate it.
7. Promise to continue to support
At the end of the conversation, be sure to mention again that you understand how hard it is for a loved one now, and that you are ready to continue to support him in everything.
From time to time, every person experiences some difficult period in life. It doesn’t matter what it is: problems after a divorce, being fired from work, illness, just not feeling well ... The bottom line is that at such a moment, what he needs most is the support of friends and loved ones. And not so material as moral. A person wants to understand that he is not alone, that they believe in him, and that he will still be able to fix everything.
It would seem that this is elementary - when your friend suffers, you need to support him. But why do so few people know how to do it? Moreover, some, with their words and actions, supposedly done for good purposes, only make things worse. Why is this happening, and how can it be fixed?
False support, or how not to do it
There are several basic wrong methods with the support of a friend:
How to show the right support
You can also ask person, how you can help him and what you can do to improve his condition. He will not always find what to answer, but your concern will be pleasant for him.
If at some point you absolutely do not know what to do, then try to put yourself in the place of the sufferer. What would you like now? What could improve your condition? Here you will see the answer will come by itself. The main thing is to try to listen to him.
