How to console a person: the right words. How to comfort a person who is crying

In the article you will learn:

How to calm a person in hysterics by psychological methods?

Hello friends! Have you had to deal with inappropriate behavior of close people, friends? I had to. And it was not the most pleasant occupation. Then I was confused and did not understand what to do, how to calm a person in hysterics. Firstly, it was scary for him - it is not known what he will do. Secondly, it is terrible to feel your own impotence when you really want to help.
But that was a long time ago. We all get a bit blown away by the winds of change sometimes. And now I know how to provide first aid to the victim, I know how, I practice. And, of course, I'm happy to share my findings with you.

Don't let the hurricane blow

A person who is in a hysterical fit screams a lot, speaks emotionally, may cry, make nervous movements and rash acts. The deep purpose of such behavior is demonstrative, the desire to involve in one's own volcano of experiences.
Therefore, the task of the one who is nearby is to extinguish it at the stage of conception. But not words, in this case they may not help, but, on the contrary, harm. Any response, especially the same emotional and negative one, can provoke the further development of a nervous breakdown.

To calm a person, you need to give valerian or bring ammonia in the very first minutes. Any sedative, except alcohol! Also stick to the rule, silence is golden. That is, do not try to calm down verbally and, moreover, do not get excited in this situation yourself, do not swear and do not shout.
Better hug tightly and wait until the emotions subside. After a couple of minutes, start gently, calmly asking questions and discussing the problem.

Intensity of emotions

If the process does not stop and there is no reaction to your attempts, then you will have to resort to harsh methods. When a person is trembling and shaking, there is no point in hugging and reassuring. Actions are needed that will distract a person from his condition.
To stop the tantrum, we need to ask distracting questions that will turn on the logic of our mentally affected person. Ask about work, kids, things that are not related to the problem. Try to turn on the brains of the "crazy". This method, by the way, is good if you have to reassure a person over the Internet.
If the attempt is hopeless, proceed to physical actions:

- clap your hands
- press on the pain point just below the elbow bend
- slap but be careful not to be bitten
- shake your shoulders two or three times
- splash a glass of water
- pour water under the shower
- drop a chair
- jump on the windowsill, table

Such distractions can pull a person out of his state and calm the raging nerves. After that, you should give short commands “Drink water!”, “Come with me!”, “Lie down!”, They also contribute to the restoration of a normal psyche.
Since after a tantrum, as a rule, a breakdown occurs, then, in accordance with the commands, give a glass of cold water or hot tea and put to bed. Now you can console with words, support, encourage, talk. But, in no case do not read morals and do not teach! “I told you”, “I warned you” - such phrases should not be.

Safety

When trying to stop inappropriate behavior, think about safety rules:
1. Never leave a person alone. Be there if the tantrum continues. An exception may be when the process has just begun and you can return to the victim at any time faster than 1 minute.
2. Remove all dangerous objects from the premises. Especially a lot of them in the kitchen. Therefore, hide the knives and forks, or take the person to another room.
3. At the beginning of the article, I mentioned that the hysteria was caused by demonstrative reasons, so it is necessary to clear the room from all third parties. And if the tantrum occurred on the street or in the crowd, then take them to a secluded place. Deprive the actor of his audience.

Think also about the psychological safety of a person who has been unsettled. After he has calmed down, be sure to talk to him about the problem. Do not leave him alone with his misfortune. Do not lead conversations in a different direction, but listen calmly and carefully.
I emphasize that it is important not to become infected with other people's emotions. Avoid excessive sympathy, pity. If necessary, let it cry. But think about your own condition, do not take everything to heart.
In addition, do not give any recommendations in this situation and do not offer solutions to the problem. Because at the moment there is a process of awareness of what happened. To solve this in any way, a person is now not able to. And your suggestions can only cause a new wave of experiences.

If a child is hysterical

For infants, loud crying is a signal of discomfort, pain, unmet need. For older children, crying, hysteria is often a way of manipulating parents to get what they want.
And, as a rule, it is very difficult for parents to calm down a raging child. No matter how they persuade, or exhort or threaten, nothing happens. Over time, such manipulations become a habitual pattern of behavior.

The task of mothers and fathers is to accustom their child to the fact that not all of his desires can come true. How to stop the violent protests of the baby?
1. Parents should master themselves first. It makes no sense now to explain to the child the reasons for the refusal, to yell at him and attack him. Moreover, there is no need to punish! If it's difficult, move away from him. But without emotional outbursts and comments, calmly.
2. If you see that your child is frightened by his own reaction and "crazy", then hug him, provide support. Explain, if he does not show irritation, that this happens and it will pass. The kid should not worry about this.
3. Next, distract the child with a game, an interesting cartoon, a treat. And don't focus on what happened.
4. Unfortunately, most often children begin to behave uncontrollably in shops, clinics, on the street. In this case, you need to go to where there are fewer people and turn away from the crying child. Deprived of spectators, he will quickly stop making noise.

In addition to the fact that the main task is not to be led to provocations, parents must understand why their little blood does this. Perhaps this is the only way to express their desires when parents are too authoritarian. Then you should reconsider your attitude towards the child and become more democratic.
Or she does this because she does not know how to show her emotions. In this case, you need to teach it. For example, talk about the emotions that the child is experiencing. “Now you are annoyed, but this is temporary”, “I see that you are angry now”, etc.

Preventive measures

The best way to deal with stressful situations for adults and children is to avoid them. Of course, we cannot influence events that do not depend on us. For example, difficulties at work, accidents or the loss of a loved one. But many nervous conditions can be avoided by discussing problems in time.
Do not wait for them to accumulate and explode, but to speak out, to show emotions towards them. Throw out everything that is unpleasant to the soul. If necessary, contact a specialist in time. Or use those psychological methods that I told you about today.

With love to you, June!
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It is safe to say that in the life of every person there are unpleasant moments that cause unpleasant emotions. It is the emotional side that reflects the worldview of a particular person. People tend to react in completely different ways to certain events in life. This fact is influenced by the characteristics of temperament, upbringing, the degree of self-hypnosis and a number of other circumstances. On the other hand, the approach to each specific person requires special attention.

Any careless word can break the will of a person who, for all his propensity for self-hypnosis, is intolerant of various kinds of criticism. At the same time, there is a certain type of people who do not want to perceive the pity of others as a positive feeling. Someone is more prone to solitude, which allows him to once again analyze the situation and come to a certain conclusion.

Some people are afraid of the unknown and seek support from others. However, there are certain conditional rules that are mainly used by psychologists during sessions with patients, but which ordinary people should also learn in order to help themselves and their loved ones at the right moment. It is necessary to follow the tactics of communicating with people who find themselves in a difficult situation in order not only not to add unnecessary experiences to them with incorrect phrases or incorrectly expressed thoughts, but first of all to be able to help find a way out of the situation and smooth out the wave of experiences.

The temptation of civilization. How to find your way

What should not be said to a person who is grieving?

First of all, it is important not to focus a person's attention on his difficult situation, once again recalling unpleasant events, facts. Even if it is known that a person experiencing unpleasant moments of his life is a rather strong and persistent personality, able to cope with any difficulties. Often, the inner weakness of a person is so carefully disguised under the shell of self-confidence that others mistakenly perceive him as a very strong, reliable personality with practically indestructible volitional qualities. Often self-confidence is perceived as undoubted self-confidence. At the same time, even the most persistent personality can be quite weak and quite vulnerable. The loss of a loved one is especially difficult for all people.

You should not impose your thoughts on how a person who finds himself in a tragic situation should behave. Most likely, he will experience irritation from the fact that they are trying to teach him at such a difficult time for him. A strong personality is likely to react with aggression, which is understandable, and therefore there is no point in being offended and leaving. People experiencing grief focus all their attention on this event, that they can forget about those around them, with whom they were in. It must be remembered that this is a temporary situation, since any, even the saddest story, has a climax and a denouement. Not a single person on earth can stay at the peak of their own experiences indefinitely, this can lead to sad consequences.

As you know, stress adversely affects both the physical and mental health of a person. Against the backdrop of stress caused by grief experienced, a number of gastrointestinal diseases can occur, migraines occur, and immunity decreases.

Radamira Belova - Everything is bad for you then you are here

It is not uncommon for people to go crazy after the death of a loved one.

(This is especially true for mothers who have lost their children.) Madness experts consider as one of the ways to mobilize the body's defenses. Since a person cannot be in a state of stress for a long time, in the case when, due to the lability of the nervous system, he cannot but think about the grief experienced, changes occur in his psyche. Such people, as it were, begin to live in another dimension. They find in the world of illusions what they lacked in real life. There are cases when mothers who have lost babies refuse to believe what happened, and continuing to swaddle dolls, they seriously believe that these are their children.

A person who experiences severe psychological trauma as a result of a tragedy can simply fall into a stupor, not reacting in any way to the words and actions of others. This is also a kind of self-defense of the body. At such a moment, he does not so much calm down as he does not perceive reality in all its details. You should not try to “stir up” the sufferer at such moments. First of all, this will not give any result, but on the other hand, any attempts to bring him to his senses and force him to go, for example, for a walk may look ridiculous and carry almost no positive in themselves.

It should not be forgotten that a person at such a moment is experiencing grief, which in his mind has a global scale. The desire of friends to cheer him up and cheer him up (with jokes, anecdotes, funny incidents) will be perceived as a “feast during the plague”, that is, you can automatically fall into the category of enemies who rejoice in someone else's grief.

In no case should a saddened person be reproached for his weakness and tell examples of how other people easily and quickly experience such moments, and then switch to everyday worries. This can create an unpleasant impression and sound in the mind of such a person as an attempt to accuse him of being filled with grief. In addition, there is a risk of becoming a person who does not understand someone else's misfortune. It is possible that a heartbroken person will say this directly, in a harsh tone and refuse to communicate afterwards.

Sergey Bugaev - The path of instant enlightenment

It is not necessary to openly pity a person if he is not tolerant of various kinds of pity.

At the same time, one cannot demonstrate complete indifference. It will be much easier for a person who has experienced grief if he feels spiritual support and understanding, which is expressed in the fact that his friends and relatives experience grief with him, understand his situation. It is necessary to very subtly catch the slightest direction of thought of such a person. Often victims refuse to take sedatives or other medications, convincing themselves that there is no point in doing so, since they have no will to live.

If it is obvious that the memories of the image of the departed person do not cause him additional suffering, and he wants to talk about it, you must definitely listen to him carefully, without inserting any additional remarks, except for confirmation that he is understood and his emotions are close to others. Such a person should not be left alone. It will be much better if some friends or close relatives express a desire to stay with him.

For many people it is positive, their presence in itself evokes warm feelings, and immediacy makes you forget about everything, even the most difficult and sad moments. However, it should be noted that a heartbroken person may not control himself, which means that he is able to burst into tears in the presence of children, which may adversely affect their mental health. In addition, children are very sensitive to the mood of adults.

If a person experiencing grief, this does not mean that he needs to present a gift in the form of an additional pet. The response may not be entirely predictable. But at the same time, it is possible that he will be able to get a little distracted by the sight of his favorite cuttings or guinea pigs.

By the way, the reaction of people who have lost a pet that has already managed to become full-fledged is not the same. Some seek to immediately acquire an animal similar in all parameters to the previous deceased animal. Others, on the contrary, prefer animals of other stripes so that they do not remind of the tragedy. The third category of people generally do not consider it right to acquire an animal after a grief, because they are not sure that they will be able to survive the loss of a new pet.

What should you say to a person who considers himself a failure?

• It would be more correct to raise the question: what can not be said to a person who has experienced a failure, after which he considers his life in vain. You can give a lot of advice about this, but the right option would be an individual approach to the situation. Each person reacts differently to the same words. If, for example, the phrase “calm down, everything will be fine” can be perceived by an optimist as confirmation of his own thoughts, then an inveterate pessimist and skeptic may perceive it as a mockery. There is no point in being offended if an answer similar to the words follows: “Did you decide to laugh at me ?! Where will everything be fine? Such a feature of the reaction to not always triumphant reality is characteristic of people who are unsure of their abilities, who always and in everything tend to see the negative. They are very hard going through any difficulties, and due to the fact that it scares them a lot and stops them halfway, they cannot achieve high results in any business.
• If a person who considers himself affected by a situation that has deprived him of a laurel in a certain field of activity is blamed for not showing enough perseverance and softening at the most crucial moment, you can not only lose a friend, but also suddenly become almost enemy. Deep down, people who are not prone to self-criticism blame everyone and everything for their failures. They are to blame for the circumstances and the people who at that moment met on the way, but not themselves. Often they prefer to put the blame for any of the defeats on other people, and then talk about it. In this case, you can carefully
• Listen, and then very tactfully and carefully try to sort out the situation, noting the point at which they failed to keep the situation under control. But in no case do not talk about it directly. It must be emphasized that this is not the last chance. You can cite a few episodes from your own life as an example. And although a personal example is not always acceptable to others, it can somewhat encourage the spirit of one who has lost it. Sometimes, the confidence that you are not the only one who has suffered a failure gives strength and helps to cope with an inferiority complex.

How can you help overcome anxiety?

People are so prone to feelings that sometimes it's much easier to try to calm your friend than it is to deal with your own emotions. Parents are constantly worried about the behavior of their children, adult children are worried about the health of elderly parents, each person, in turn, young and old, is worried about upcoming events. So a schoolboy is worried at the sight of a strict examiner, an employee of a company is worried about whether he will be appointed to head a department, a graduate student goes through the whole night in his thoughts about the possible events of the upcoming defense of the dissertation.

Of course, excitement in no way affects positively the situations that call for it. On the contrary, during a period of excitement, a person wastes colossal reserves of strength and energy that could be applied in the right direction. Thus, a student's surge of excitement does not allow him to remember the formula he has been cramming all night, and the most diligent employee of the company does not dare to have a serious conversation with his boss about a salary increase. It turns out that excitement is able to strike at the most crucial moments, successfully failing all the plans conceived by people.

Is it possible to find the right words to calm an agitated friend or loved one? This is a rather responsible mission that requires caution, attentiveness and sensitivity. Most people when trying to interfere in their lives and dictate their own rules. They can perceive any advice as interference "not in their own business." In some cases, such support can cause the following reaction: “You don’t understand such issues at all, therefore you don’t understand my excitement!” It is important to first ask the person if he needs help. If he is disposed to speak frankly about the reasons for the excitement, it is possible to analyze the situation in detail in a more attractive way for him.

For the owner of a sense of humor, an option is suitable when he can imagine his strict boss or teacher in an unsightly way, for example, with green hair or in funny clothes. But the main thing is not to overdo it so that the student, remembering the jokes, does not burst out laughing at the most inopportune moment. If a person is not prone to jokes, you can encourage him that with his abilities and intelligence he will definitely achieve everything. At the same time, psychologists do not recommend using the particle “ Not", and also do not remind the word" excitement».

How to calm a crying person? Sometimes this question arises for many. More and more often, we can observe how our loved ones get upset and cry. There can be a million reasons for tears, from a touching movie to being fired from a job.

Offer Help

Your initial task is not to understand the reason, but to help console your friend, mother, wife, in a word, your loved one. Of course, if we are not talking, for example, about your favorite series, which is about to end. In this case, everything will soon fall into place without your intervention.

crying girl

If the reason is more complex and you just can't stay away, then what to do? Initially, show attention and care. Provide mediocre help and encouragement.

Find out, through a leading question, what happened, then you can correctly assess the situation. Sacrifice your time and let the person speak out, of course, if he wants to.

This is a very important point, we can say that your actions begin with it. This can be done like this:

1. Stay. It is not always possible to console with conversations, sometimes it is much more important just to be around. It often happens that, at the peak moment, the words do not work. In this case, your presence is much more effective. Be patient.
2. Offer water. As a rule, after drinking half a glass of cool water, you will feel relief, it will help quench your thirst and catch your breath. Agree that it works.
3. Offer a handkerchief or recommend washing with cool water. Here you yourself must orient yourself according to the situation. It is stupid to offer a friend with painted eyelashes to wash, as a result, she may misunderstand your intentions. You may decide that you demand to immediately stop crying.

To behave correctly, carefully observe what is the reaction to your words.

How to calm a crying person: provide support

How often do we give support to friends, and do you think how well you do it?

Let's take a look at everything:

• Let the person let their emotions out.

It is pointless to ask, especially a woman, to stop crying, whatever the reason behind it. It is much more important, on the contrary, to let you cry out all the negative emotions, all the pain, regret, anxiety. Do not hold back, otherwise it can lead to such negative consequences as depression.

Try to avoid saying things like "Stop" or "Don't cry, it's not worth it!" The person gave vent to feelings, which means that at least it is important for him, do not interfere with him.

• Find out how you can be helpful.

You may be asked to leave or asked to stay. In any case, ask a question - can I help you with something now? And regardless of what they answer you, respectfully make any decision.

If you are asked to leave, it will be enough to say - as you say, but in case I can help you in any way, let me know about it. Do not be offended under any circumstances. Sometimes you just need to be alone.

• Take your time.

Do not rush to take any action. Sometimes it just shouldn't be done. You are nearby, your presence is already useful and if additional assistance is needed, I assure you, you will be informed about it.

• Hugs.

Remember how nice it is when your mother hugs you. As it is necessary when something disturbs us. If your girlfriend or boyfriend loves to hug, don't skimp on this gesture.

If in front of you is an unfamiliar person or someone who shuns bodily contact, just ask directly - will you mind if I hug you?

Often, unlike friends, unfamiliar people do not seek such actions, so you need to ask about it.

Discuss experiences

And here there are some very important, but often rarely used algorithms. Having applied a couple of them, you will see by your own example how effectively they work:

• Don't force yourself to speak up.

In the modern world, most people cannot share their experiences and problems with unfamiliar people. In this case, do not insist.

Don't feel like you have to say something all the time, it's enough to stay and make it clear that you can be relied upon. Don't judge, it will only make matters worse. The situation with a girlfriend or husband changes radically.

This is your close circle, your relationship with them is different and this is normal. In this case, it is easier for you to navigate based on the personal qualities of a person.

• You are ready to listen.

If your answer is yes, then throughout the conversation, pay all your attention, try to maintain eye contact, not express your condemnations, your dissatisfaction with the situation, they are not always correct. Be tactful and polite.

• Don't draw attention to yourself.

It is an erroneous delusion that, the words - I also recently experienced a similar situation, will help you somehow become closer to the person. This is far from true. With this phrase, you focus on yourself, and it will not always work in your favor.

Events should develop around the one who now needs consolation. By focusing on yourself, you can incorrectly convey to the interlocutor that his problems are nothing compared to yours.

• Don't look for a solution to a problem.

This is not your task. It is much more important to talk less and listen more, so you console much faster and do not break firewood in the heat of the moment. You understand that you should not make hasty conclusions and make hasty decisions.

• Psychotherapist or psychologist.

In some situations, this is the way out. The only question is how to say it without hurting the feelings of a person. In this situation, you can only talk about the help of a specialist with loved ones, and not with the victim. This must be done in a moment of complete despair.

If a person cannot cope with his own problems on his own, you can correctly advise to seek help from a specialist.

To do this, you can ask a leading question - is it really not easy for you? Maybe you should try seeing a psychotherapist.

When summarizing how to calm a crying person, remember that support is required from you. Being around can often be quite awkward, but try not to think about yourself at this moment. Very soon, the person will calm down and be sure to thank you for the care and attention you have provided.

It can be difficult to overcome excitement - some become discouraged, others become aggressive, others are in a stupor. It can be difficult to get a person out of a negative state and you need to act carefully and sensitively.

Every person in life is faced with certain difficulties, which are not easy to overcome, and therefore his behavior changes dramatically. Someone becomes more aggressive, and someone, on the contrary, falls into a stupor. Both of them need to be reassured and supported so that they do not experience their difficulties alone.

Rules for psychological assistance

In order not to harm a person in a stressful situation, you need to follow a number of rules:

• Do not impose help, but offer it when you really need it.
• Do not put pressure on a person, trying to find out what happened to him. You have to be careful not to aggravate the situation.

Advice should be given in such a way that it does not look like teaching. Moreover, you should not say “I warned you!” In the end, a person's life belongs to him alone, and only he decides what and how to do.

You should not compare the situation with others, even if they are very similar. You can’t say that “Last month, Vanya had the same thing, but he did it, but you can’t.” This will sound like an attempt to belittle a person for being filled with grief. All people are different, and everyone perceives problems in their own way.

The ability to empathize is a very important quality, but you should not resort to it if the person does not need your pity. It is also impossible to pass by indifferently. Maybe your friend needs someone to just be around?

Everyone needs psychological help in a difficult situation, but it should be provided wisely. You should not leave a person alone, but at the same time, you should not try to distract him from grief and somehow cheer him up. He may take this as a "feast in the time of the plague" and then stop communicating with you because of your insensitivity.

How to help someone in an emergency

There are two types of reaction in extreme conditions: an emotional stupor (a person sits, staring at one point and does not react to what is happening) and an emotional storm (a person begins to beat in hysterics, screams or cries). Help depending on these states is different: you need to wait out the tantrum (for example, hug the person tightly, despite his aggression and swearing), but you need to get out of the stupor (for example, shake your shoulders).

When the person has calmed down, you can start a conversation with him. It is important not to break down and not get angry, otherwise the situation may repeat itself. Talk to people under stress in a soothing tone and constantly seek a reaction from them. To do this, ask the questions “Do you agree?” or "What do you think of this?"

A conversation with an already reassured person should begin with a request to tell what happened to him. At the same time, it is not necessary to press hard, and if he nevertheless began to speak, you should not interrupt or rush the story. After what you hear, offer your help, but do not name specific options, let the victim find something for you to do.

Try to comfort a person - hug him, take a walk in the fresh air, in general, perform simple actions that can completely calm down. Remember that sympathy is not tears in three streams, but real support and willingness to help.

How to help a person overcome anxiety

All people tend to experience excitement before important events - promotion, exams, weddings and other situations. The insidiousness of this feeling is that it does not allow you to focus on the task and is often the cause of failure. So, the student cannot remember the proof of the theorem, which he studied all night, and the employee will not be able to ask for a raise, which he really “shines”.

Dealing with anxiety is not as easy as it seems. After all, people tend to consider themselves unique, whom no one understands, and therefore help can be taken with hostility. Soothing phrases like "Don't drift, everything will work out!" more often annoying than accepted. Therefore, before rushing to help, ask if your help is needed.

Another situation is when a person considers himself, in principle, unable to cope with the upcoming business, that is, a loser. Then, with the next failure, he will not analyze why it happened, but will blame the circumstances or people who prevented him from succeeding.

It is important here not to say that the reason for the failure is the “loser” himself, but to try to find out together with him what led to the failure. And when you finally discover the reason, smoothly bring the person to the realization of his mistake. You can give examples from your own life, and then he will see that he is not the only one, and this is the norm of life. Overcoming an inferiority complex is the first step to success.

A person has grief. The man has lost a loved one. What to say to him?

Hold on!

The most common words that always come to mind first are

• Be strong!
• Hold on!
• Take heart!
• My condolences!
• Something to help?
• Oh, what a horror ... Well, you hold on.

What else is there to say? There is nothing to console, we will not return the loss. Hold on friend! Further, it is also not clear what to do - whether to support this topic (what if a person is even more painful from continuing the conversation), or change it to a neutral one ...

These words are not spoken out of indifference. Only for the lost person life stopped and time stopped, but for the rest - life goes on, but how else? It is terrible to hear about our grief, but our life goes on as usual. But sometimes you want to ask again - what to hold on to? Even faith in God is difficult to hold on to, because along with the loss, a desperate “Lord, Lord, why did you leave me?”

We must rejoice!

The second group of valuable advice to the mourner is much worse than all these endless “hold on!”.

• “You should be glad that you had such a person and such love in your life!”
• “Do you know how many infertile women would dream of being a mother for at least 5 years!”
• “Yes, he finally got tired! How he suffered here and that’s it – he doesn’t suffer anymore!”

Can't be happy. This will be confirmed by everyone who buried their beloved 90-year-old grandmother, for example. Matushka Adriana (Malysheva) passed away at 90. She was on the verge of death more than once, for the whole last year she was seriously and painfully ill. She asked the Lord more than once to take her away as soon as possible. All her friends saw her not so often - a couple of times a year at best. Most have only known her for a couple of years. When she left, despite all this, we were orphaned ...

Death is not to be celebrated at all.

Death is the most terrible and evil evil.

And Christ overcame it, but so far we can only believe in this victory, while we, as a rule, do not see it.

By the way, Christ did not call to rejoice in death - he wept when he heard about the death of Lazarus and resurrected the son of the widow of Nain.

And “death is a gain,” the apostle Paul said about himself, and not about others, “for ME life is Christ, and death is a gain.”

You are strong!

• How is he holding up!
• How strong she is!
• You are strong, you endure everything so courageously ...

If a person who has experienced a loss does not cry at the funeral, does not moan and does not kill himself, but is calm and smiles, he is not strong. He is still in the most intense phase of stress. When he starts crying and screaming, it means that the first stage of stress passes, he feels a little better.

There is such an accurate description in Sokolov-Mitrich's report about the relatives of the Kursk crew:

“We were accompanied by several young sailors and three people who looked like relatives. Two women and one man. Only one circumstance made them doubt their involvement in the tragedy: they smiled. And when we had to push a bus that had gone awry, the women even laughed and rejoiced, like collective farmers in Soviet films returning from the battle for the harvest. “Are you from the Committee of Soldiers’ Mothers?” I asked. "No, we are relatives."

In the evening of the same day, I met with military psychologists from the St. Petersburg Military Medical Academy. Professor Vyacheslav Shamrei, who worked with the relatives of the victims at Komsomolets, told me that this sincere smile on the face of a heartbroken person is called "unconscious psychological defense." On the plane on which the relatives flew to Murmansk, there was an uncle who, having entered the cabin, was happy as a child: “Well, at least I’ll fly in an airplane. Otherwise I’ve been sitting all my life in my Serpukhov district, I don’t see the white light!” This means that the uncle was very ill.

- We are going to Sasha Ruzlev ... Senior midshipman ... 24 years old, second compartment, - after the word “compartment”, the women sobbed. - And this is his father, he lives here, also a submariner, sailed all his life. The name of? Vladimir Nikolayevich. Just don't ask him anything, please."

Are there those who hold on well and don't sink into this black and white world of grief? Don't know. But if a person “holds on”, then, most likely, he needs and will need spiritual and psychological support for a long time to come. All the hardest may be ahead.

Orthodox arguments

• Thank God you now have a guardian angel in heaven!
• Your daughter is now an angel, cheers, she is in the Kingdom of Heaven!
• Your wife is now closer to you than ever!

I remember a colleague was at the funeral of a friend's daughter. A colleague - a non-church one - was horrified by the godmother of that little girl who burned down from leukemia: “Imagine, she minted in such a plastic, hard voice - rejoice, your Masha is now an angel! What a beautiful day! She is with God in the Kingdom of Heaven! This is your best day!"

Here the thing is that we, believers, really see that it is important not “when”, but “how”. We believe (and only by this we live) that sinless children and well-living adults will not lose the mercy of the Lord. That it is terrible to die without God, but nothing is terrible with God. But this is our, in a sense, theoretical knowledge. A person experiencing a loss can tell a lot of all that is theologically correct and comforting, if necessary. "Closer than ever" - it's not felt, especially at first. Therefore, here I want to say, “can you please, as usual, so that everything will be?”

In the months that have passed since the death of my husband, by the way, I have not heard these “Orthodox consolations” from any priest. On the contrary, all the fathers told me how hard, how difficult. How they thought they knew something about death, but it turned out that they knew little. That the world has become black and white. What sorrow. I didn’t hear a single “finally your personal angel appeared”.

This, probably, can only be said by the person who has gone through grief. I was told how mother Natalia Nikolaevna Sokolova, who buried two of the most beautiful sons in a year - Archpriest Theodore and Vladyka Sergius, said: “I gave birth to children for the Kingdom of Heaven. There are two already there." But only she could say that.

Time cures?

Probably, over time, this wound with meat through the whole soul heals a little. I don't know yet. But in the first days after the tragedy, everyone is nearby, everyone is trying to help and sympathize. But then - everyone continues their own life - but how else? And somehow it seems that the most acute period of grief has already passed. No. The first weeks are not the hardest. As a wise man who survived a loss told me, after forty days you only gradually understand what place the deceased occupied in your life and soul. After a month, it ceases to seem that you will wake up now and everything will be the same as before. It's just a business trip. You realize that you won’t come back here, that you won’t be here anymore.

It is at this time that support, presence, attention, and work are needed. And just someone who will listen to you.

It won't work to comfort. You can console a person, but only if you return his loss and resurrect the dead. And the Lord can comfort.

And what to say?

In fact, it is not so important what to say to a person. What matters is whether you have experienced suffering or not.

The point is this. There are two psychological concepts: sympathy and empathy.

Sympathy- We sympathize with the person, but we ourselves have never been in such a situation. And we, in fact, cannot say “I understand you” here. Because we don't understand. We understand that it is bad and scary, but we do not know the depth of this hell in which a person is now. And not every experience of loss is good here. If we buried our beloved 95-year-old uncle, this does not give us the right to say to the mother who buried her son: “I understand you.” If we do not have such experience, then your words for a person will most likely not have any meaning. Even if he listens to you out of courtesy, the background will be the thought - “But everything is fine with you, why do you say that you understand me?”.

And here empathy- this is when you sympathize with a person and KNOW what he is going through. A mother who has buried a child feels empathy, compassion for another mother who has buried a child, backed up by experience. Here every word can be at least somehow perceived and heard. And most importantly - here is a living person who also experienced this. Which is bad, like me.

Therefore, it is very important to arrange a meeting for a person with those who can show empathy for him. Not an intentional meeting: “But Aunt Masha, she also lost her child!”. Unobtrusively. Gently tell that you can go to such and such a person or that such a person is ready to come and talk. There are many forums on the Internet to support people experiencing loss. There are fewer on the Runet, more on the English-speaking Internet - those who have survived or are experiencing gather there. Being with them will not ease the pain of loss, but will support.

The help of a good priest who has experience of loss or just a lot of life experience. The help of a psychologist, most likely, will also be needed.

Pray a lot for the dead and for loved ones. Pray yourself and serve magpies in churches. You can also offer the person himself to travel around the temples together in order to give magpies around and pray around, read the psalter.

If you were familiar with the deceased, remember him together. Remember what you said, what you did, where you went, what you discussed... Actually, there are commemorations for that - to remember a person, to talk about him. “Do you remember, once we met at a bus stop, and you just returned from a honeymoon trip” ....

A lot, calmly and for a long time to listen. Not comforting. Not encouraging, not asking to rejoice. He will cry, he will blame himself, he will retell the same little things a million times over. Listen. Just help with housework, with children, with business. Talk about everyday topics. Be near.

P.P.S. If you have experience of how grief or loss is experienced, we will add your advice, stories and help others at least a little.