The theories and developments of the outstanding American psychologist Paul Ekman have long won him fame and authority in the scientific and business circles, but they have gained wide popularity relatively recently - thanks to the American television series Lie to Me. The protagonist is a scientist who skillfully recognizes any signs of deception by facial expressions, postures of a person and gestures of a person, and Dr. Ekman became the inspiration for the image. We publish an excerpt from his new book "Recognize a liar by facial expression", which is being prepared for release by the publishing house"PETER" in the middle of December.

Lying well is an art

“Controlling facial expressions is not easy. Most people manage facial expressions, but they do it far from perfect. People lie more habitually with words than with their face (and with their faces more habitually than with body movements). This is probably due to the fact that people are more responsible for their words than for facial expressions. More comments are made on what you say than on what you express on your face.

It is easier for you to watch your words when you speak than to watch your facial expressions. Facial expressions can be very short-lived, that is, appear and disappear in a fraction of a second. In the case of using words, you can easily put yourself in the place of the person receiving your message and hear everything that he hears. With facial expressions, everything is much more complicated. You can hear your speech, control your every word, but you cannot see the expressions on your face, because this is simply not given to you. Instead, you have to rely on a less accurate source of information about what's going on in your face, the feedback provided by your facial muscles.

So is it possible to control facial expressions?

In controlling your facial expression, you can try to soften the expression of the emotion you are experiencing, modulate the expression of that emotion, or falsify the message being conveyed.

Mitigation

When softening a facial expression, you add a commentary expression to an existing one. For example, if you show fear when approaching a dentist, you can add an element of disgust to your facial expression as a message to the doctor that you are disgusting yourself because of your fear. The expression of your feeling did not change in intensity, as in modulation, and was not hidden or replaced by the expression of a feeling you did not experience, as in falsification. The expression of an emotion can become milder when it appears immediately after the first expression, either as a social commentary required by the rules for displaying emotions (individual or accepted in a given culture), or as a sincere expression of the next feeling. The person may actually feel self-loathing because of their fear of the dentist, or they may follow the emotion display rule to make it clear that they are no longer a child.

Smiling is most commonly used to soften facial expressions; it is added as a comment to any negative emotion. A softening smile provides a clue to understanding the negative consequences or limits of a negative emotion. She tells the other person that you are still holding your own. For example, if you smile to soften an expression of anger, you are telling with your face that you do not want to go too far, that your attack will be limited or weakened. If the smile is mixed with anger rather than softening it up as a follow-up comment, then you are saying that you are enjoying the anger you feel. A smile that softens the expression of sadness says: “I can handle this”, “I won’t cry anymore”, etc.

Softening expression is the most moderate form of facial control. It distorts the facial expression very little and usually comes about as a result of following the rules for displaying emotions (individual or accepted in a given culture), and not for the sake of satisfying the needs of the current moment. Since the distortion of the message being conveyed is minimal and the evidence for softening is fairly obvious, we will not discuss here ways of recognizing the fact that an expression of emotion has been softened.

Modulation

When you modulate a facial expression, you adjust its intensity to show how you really feel. You don't comment on the emotion message (as in softening) and you don't change the nature of the message (as in falsification), you increase or decrease the intensity of the message. There are three ways to modulate facial expressions: you can change the number of areas of the face involved, the duration of the expression, or the amplitude of facial muscle contractions.

Suppose that John, when he is afraid, follows an emotion display rule that requires him to show only mild fear. If John is experiencing fear, then this emotion will be reflected in all three areas of his face. If he needs to reduce the expression of this feeling, then he can take any of the following actions (or any combination of them):

Remove manifestations of fear in the mouth (as in Fig. 19A) and, possibly, also in the eyes (Fig. 13B) or show your fear only with your mouth (as in the right picture of Fig. 17).

Reduce the duration of the expression of fear.

Stretch your mouth less, strain your lower eyelids less, and don't raise or draw your eyebrows as much.

If John really felt only apprehension, but tried to look frightened, then he would really have to put on his face the expression shown in fig. 13B, and change the actions aimed at reducing the expression of fear. Usually, when people modulate, that is, increase or decrease the expression of their emotions, they use all three methods - by changing the number of areas of the face involved, the duration of the expression, and the strength of facial muscle contraction.

falsification

When you fake a facial expression, you show a feeling that you don’t feel (simulation), or show nothing when you actually feel some feeling (neutralization), or hide an emotion you feel under the expression of another emotion that you don’t really feel. experience (disguise). In the case of simulation, you are trying to give the impression that you are actually experiencing some kind of emotion, when in fact you are not experiencing any emotion. Imagine that someone tells you about the misfortune of your supposedly close friend, but you don’t care at all, you don’t feel any feelings, but you put on a sad expression on your face. This is called simulation.

To successfully simulate an emotion, you must remember the feeling of what each emotional expression on your face looks like "from the inside" in order to consciously adjust your facial expression and demonstrate the emotion that you want to show to others. You usually cannot anticipate the need for simulation and do not have the opportunity to practice in front of a mirror to observe your face and rehearse giving it various expressions. Children and teenagers often develop various facial expressions in this way, adults also practice in front of a mirror on the eve of some especially important events that they know about in advance. But most often you have to rely on proprioceptive sensations - on how emotion is felt on your face “from the inside”. You need to be able to capture these sensations and remember what your face experienced when you were angry, scared, etc., so that you can consciously give yourself this or that look.

Neutralization is the exact opposite of simulation. You feel a strong emotion, but you try to look like you don't feel anything. Neutralization is the ultimate form of emotion attenuation, in which the facial expression is modulated so that the intensity of the expression of the experienced emotion is zero. If John was frightened but wanted to appear calm and unemotional, he would use neutralization. In the case of neutralization, you are trying to:

Keep the muscles of the face in a relaxed state, avoiding muscle contractions;

Hold the muscles of the face in a position that allows you to give the face an impassive expression: the jaws are compressed; lips are closed, but without visible effort; the eyes are fixed, but the eyelids are not tense, etc.;

Disguise the appearance of your face by biting or licking your lips, wiping your eyes, scratching parts of your face, etc.

It is very difficult to carry out neutralization, especially if some serious event or a series of such events caused your emotional reaction. Usually, when using neutralization, you appear so stiff or tense that at least you exclude the possibility of falsification by your appearance, even if the emotion that you are actually experiencing is not outwardly displayed. But most often, instead of neutralizing emotions, people try to mask them, which is much easier and more effective.

When using a disguise, you are feigning an emotion that you don't really feel in order to obscure or hide the real one. When you heard about the misfortune that happened to your supposed friend and put on a face of sadness, it was a simulation only on the condition that you did not experience any feelings at all. If you felt disgust and tried to hide it by giving a sad expression to your face, that would be a disguise. People resort to disguise because it's easier for them to hide one facial expression under another than to try not to express anything on their face. In addition, people resort to disguise because their motives for hiding a particular emotion usually require insincere statements about the substitution. For example, if a depressed person does not want to continue to be considered suicidal, he must not only neutralize the expression of sadness on his face, but also portray joy. The smile, which we have already called the most common means of softening emotions, is also the most common mask. Darwin was the first to try to explain the reason for this phenomenon. The muscle contractions required to display a smile are the most different from the muscle contractions required to express negative emotions. From an anatomical point of view, a smile is the best way to mask manifestations of anger, disgust, sadness, or fear in the lower part of the face. And, of course, often the nature of the social situation that motivates you to hide one of these emotions will make you want to put on a friendly smile on your face. People often mask one negative emotion with another: for example, fear with anger or anger with sadness, and sometimes mask a joyful expression with an unhappy one.

All three of these control methods - softening, modulation and falsification (which includes simulation, neutralization and masking) - can be used in situations that force people to control their facial expressions - when following the rules for displaying emotions in a culture, when following individual rules for displaying emotions, in accordance with with the professional requirements and needs of the current moment.

The editors of the site thanks the publishing house "PITER" for the provided excerpt.

You can not hold back emotions, get angry, scream, laugh, cry out loud and resent loudly. Do you think anyone likes such sincerity? Only your enemies enjoy watching this spectacle. Learning to manage emotions!

Sometimes, succumbing to emotions or allowing ourselves to be led by false feelings, we do things that we later regret. At the same time, we make excuses that we have lost control of ourselves, so emotions have taken over the mind. That is, we did not control emotions, but they controlled us.

Is it really that bad? Perhaps there is nothing good in the absence of self-control. People who do not know how to control themselves, maintain self-control and subordinate feelings to their will, as a rule, do not achieve success either in their personal lives or in the professional sphere.

They are not thinking about tomorrow, and their expenses often far exceed their income.

Unrestrained people flare up like a match in any quarrel, unable to stop in time and compromise, which deserves a reputation as a conflict person. At the same time, they also destroy their health: doctors say that many diseases are directly related to such negative emotions as anger, etc. People who value their own peace and nerves prefer to avoid them.

People who are not used to limiting themselves spend too much of their free time in empty entertainment and useless conversations. If they make promises, they themselves are not sure whether they can keep them. It is not surprising that in whatever area they work, they are rarely professionals in their field. And the reason for everything is the lack of self-control.

A developed sense of self-control allows you to keep a cool head in any situation, sober thoughts and an understanding that feelings can turn out to be false and lead to a dead end.

There are situations when we need to hide our emotions in our own interests. “Sometimes I am a fox, sometimes I am a lion,” said the French commander. “The secret… is to know when to be one, when to be different!”

Self-controlled people deserve respect and enjoy authority. On the other hand, they seem to many to be callous, heartless, "insensitive chumps" and ... incomprehensible. Much clearer to us are those who from time to time "indulge in all serious", "breaks down", loses control over themselves and commits unpredictable acts! Looking at them, and we seem to ourselves not so weak. Moreover, it is not so easy to become restrained and strong-willed. So we reassure ourselves that the life of people who are guided by reason, and not by feelings, is bleak, and therefore unhappy.

The fact that this is not so is evidenced by an experiment conducted by psychologists, as a result of which they came to the conclusion: people who can overcome themselves and resist momentary temptation are more successful and happy than those who are not able to cope with emotions.

The experiment is named after Michel Walter, a psychologist at Stanford University. He is also known as the "marshmallow test" because one of his main "heroes" is a regular marshmallow.

In an experiment conducted in the 60s of the last century, 653 children of 4 years of age participated. They were led in turn into a room where one marshmallow lay on the table in a plate. Each child was told that he could eat it right now, but if he waited 15 minutes, he would get another one, and then he could eat both. Michelle Walter left the child alone for a few minutes and then returned. 70% of children ate one marshmallow before his return, and only 30 waited for him and got the second one. It is curious that the same percentage was observed during a similar experiment in two other countries where it was conducted.

Michel Walter followed the fate of his wards and after 15 years came to the conclusion that those who at one time did not succumb to the temptation to get “everything now”, but were able to control themselves, turned out to be more teachable and successful in their chosen areas of knowledge and interests. Thus, it was concluded that the ability to self-control significantly improves the quality of human life.

Itzhak Pintosevich, who is called the "coach of success", argues that those who are not in control of themselves and their actions should forever forget about efficiency.

How to learn to manage yourself

1. Recall the “marshmallow test”

30% of 4-year-olds already knew how. This trait of character was inherited by them "by nature" or this skill was brought up in them by their parents.

Someone said: “Don't raise your children, they will still look like you. Educate yourself." Indeed, we want to see our children restrained, but we ourselves arrange tantrums in front of their eyes. We tell them that they must cultivate willpower in themselves, but we ourselves show weakness of character. We remind you that they must be punctual, and every morning we are late for work.

Therefore, we begin to learn to control ourselves by carefully analyzing our behavior and identifying "weak spots" - where exactly we allow ourselves to "bloom".

2. Components of control

The aforementioned Yitzhak Pintosevich believes that in order for control to be effective, it must include 3 components:

1. Be honest with yourself and have no illusions about yourself;
2. You should control yourself systematically, and not from case to case;
3. Control should be not only internal (when we control ourselves), but also external. For example, we promised to solve the problem in such and such a time. And, in order not to leave ourselves a loophole for retreat, we announce this in the circle of colleagues. If we do not meet the announced time, we pay them a fine. The danger of losing a decent amount will serve as a good incentive in order not to be distracted by extraneous matters.

3. We write down on the sheet the main goals facing us, and put (or hang) it in a prominent place

Every day we monitor how we managed to move towards their implementation.

4. Get your finances in order

We keep loans under control, remember if we have debts that urgently need to be paid off, and reduce the debit to the loan. Our emotional state is quite dependent on the state of our finances. Therefore, the less confusion and problems in this area, the less we will have reasons to "lose our temper."

5. We observe our reaction to events that cause strong emotions in us, and analyze whether they are worth our experiences

We imagine the worst option and understand that it is not as terrible as the consequences of our inadequate and thoughtless behavior.

6. Doing the opposite

We are angry with a colleague, and we are tempted to say “a couple of kind words” to him. Instead, we smile affably and say a compliment. If we felt offended that another employee was sent to the conference instead of us, we don’t get angry, but we rejoice for him and wish him a happy journey.

From the very morning we were overcome by laziness, and - turn on the music, and take up some business. In a word, we act contrary to what our emotions tell us.

7. A famous phrase says: we cannot change circumstances, but we can change our attitude towards them.

We are surrounded by different people, and not all of them are friendly and fair to us. We cannot be upset and indignant every time we meet someone else's envy, anger, rudeness. We must come to terms with what we cannot influence.

8. The best assistant in mastering the science of self-control is meditation

As physical exercise develops the body, so meditation trains the mind. Through daily meditation sessions, one can learn to avoid negative emotions, not to succumb to passions that interfere with a sober look at circumstances and can destroy life. With the help of meditation, a person plunges into a state of calm and achieves harmony with himself.

There are situations when it is imperative to reduce emotional pain, for example, if it is too strong. In addition, emotional pain can cause dangerous situations for a person experiencing strong emotions (for example, he may harm himself or take a dangerous drug). It can come at the wrong time (for example, at work, school, or some other place where you don't feel safe) or in a situation where the person feels uncomfortable if they are genuinely expressing their emotions (for example, if they are in company of people to whom he does not want to reveal his feelings). If you want to learn how to control your emotions, this article is for you. After reading it, you will learn how to control emotions, while taking into account your needs and desires. In addition, this article describes psychological techniques, by practicing which you can learn to control your emotions, and, if necessary, turn them off.

Steps

Control your feelings

Try to find the cause of the strong emotional reaction. If you want to learn how to turn off emotions, try to understand what is the reason for the emotional outburst at one time or another. Perhaps this is due to the following reasons:

• you are a very sensitive person;
• the situation reminded you of painful events in the past;
• you feel that you are losing control of the situation, which can lead to anger and irritation.

1. There is a difference between healthy emotional detachment and its painful form. From time to time, we all experience situations where we want to turn off our emotions, especially if they are associated with pain or seem overwhelming to us at the moment. However, extreme emotional detachment from others is associated with psychopathy, in which a person commits a crime without feeling remorse. In addition, such behavior can also indicate that a person is experiencing severe trauma.

   • If you sometimes want to turn off strong emotions, there is nothing wrong with that. We are not always able to deal with our emotions. However, make sure that your condition does not become chronic. If you isolate yourself from others or become unemotional, you will have more serious psychological problems.
   • Some of the signs that may indicate a person needs treatment are social isolation, refusal to attend social events, intense fear of rejection, depressed mood or anxiety, difficulty performing and completing a given task (school or work duties), and frequent social conflicts or fights with other people.

2. Accept the emotional state. Paradoxical as it may seem, but by accepting and acknowledging our emotions, we are able to quickly take them under control when we need it. Often we want to become unemotional people because it is difficult for us to experience emotions. Nevertheless, these emotions give us valuable information about the situation we are in and about our perception of this situation. Like physical pain, negative feelings and emotions (fear, anger, sadness, anxiety, stress) indicate that there is a problem that needs to be addressed.

   Express your feelings in a safe place. In case emotions overwhelm you, set aside a cozy safe place where you can accept your emotions and take control of them. Make it a rule to analyze your emotions at the same time every day.

   • Cry when you are alone. Tears in front of a person who insults you will provoke him to mock you or offend you further. Taking deep breaths and thinking about something else unrelated to this situation will help you not focus on hurtful words. You probably won't want to cry after that. Thus, you suppress resentment in yourself. However, this is not very good. Holding negative emotions in ourselves, we harm our body. Try your best to contain your emotions until the situation is over, so that the person who caused your strong emotions leaves the room. Now you can let your tears flow.

3. Write down your feelings and thoughts. As we mentioned above, tears cannot be held back. The same principle can be applied to anger, embarrassment and other negative emotions - do not suppress these feelings in yourself. Try to express your feelings and thoughts on paper. This will help you analyze and deal with difficult emotions so that you can detach from them when you need to. You can also use the electronic device you are using to express your feelings.

   • Put your feelings into words and write them down in your secret diary.
   • In order not to dwell on negative thoughts, try to look at the current situation in a different way. For example, you think about someone: “This person is such a jerk!” In this situation, try to look at the situation from a different perspective. Say to yourself, “This person probably has a difficult life, and this is how they deal with anger and sadness.” Empathy will help you deal with sadness and anger. Show empathy and it will be easier for you to deal with difficult people and situations.

4. Try to relax. Think of something else. Don't try to just ignore the feeling or situation. If a person tries not to think about something, they end up thinking more about it. The harder he tries to suppress the thought, the surer it ricochets back. In one study, participants were asked to think about anything but polar bears. And what do you think they were thinking about all the time? About polar bears, of course. Instead of forcing yourself not to think about what causes negative emotions in you, try to just think about something else.

   Engage in physical activity. Take a walk, ride a bike, or engage in any other vigorous activity that promotes good cardiovascular function. Aerobic exercise increases the level of endorphins in the blood. This will help you control and change your reaction to people who provoke you to negative emotions. Physical exercise or grounding techniques will help you get over your emotions.

   • Think of the following activities: hiking, rowing, kayaking, gardening, cleaning, jumping rope, dancing, kickboxing, yoga, pilates, zumba, push-ups, sit-ups, running, and walking.

   Focus on yourself

   1. Engage in self-reflection. One way to take control of your emotions is to look at yourself from the outside. Try to look at yourself through someone else's eyes and see yourself from the outside.

      • When you are alone, analyze your thoughts, feelings and emotions. Ask yourself: What am I thinking about today? What emotions do I feel?
      • Also observe how you behave in society. Pay attention to what you say, how you act, and how you express emotions.

   2. assert yourself. Self-affirmation is an important step if you want to learn how to turn off your emotions. Self-affirmation allows you to confirm to yourself that your actions and emotions are reasonable.

      • Talk to yourself in a positive way. Say to yourself, “There is nothing wrong with my feelings. Even if I don't want to show my feelings to others, I have the right to feel them."

   3. Set limits on emotions. Thanks to this, you will first of all think about your needs. Decide for yourself what will be the extreme point that you can no longer tolerate when others hurt you emotionally. If possible, cut off all contact with people who annoy or upset you, such as co-workers or neighbors.

      • Try to set boundaries by directly telling the person about your current emotions and what you expect them to do. For example, if your brother is teasing you, tell him, “I get very annoyed when you tease me. I'll be grateful if you stop doing this." In addition, you can mention the consequences that may be if the person crosses the line you set: “If you don’t stop behaving like that, I won’t communicate with you.” This is an example of a situation where you were able to express your annoyance without losing control of your emotions.

   Use techniques to help you turn off your emotions

   1. Use your wise mind. According to dialectical behavioral therapy, all individuals have two minds - two different thinking abilities: rational, which comes from the mind, and emotional. Our wise mind is a combination of emotional and rational thinking. If you are trying to disengage from emotional pain, use your wise mind to find the perfect balance between the rational and emotional components of your brain. Instead of reacting only emotionally, try to think rationally, evaluating the situation objectively.

      • Acknowledge your feelings, say to yourself: “Emotions are quite natural for a person. Over time, all emotions pass, even the strongest. I can understand why I reacted the way I did when I calm down.”
      • Ask yourself: “Will this matter to me in a year, 5 years, 10 years? How much will this person or situation affect my life?”
      When you're stressed, your body naturally tenses up and your thoughts run at a frantic pace. Breathe slowly and deeply to avoid lack of oxygen, which can exacerbate the problem.
      • Get into a comfortable position and breathe deeply, inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth. Focus on your breath, on how you feel with each inhalation and exhalation. Breathe diaphragmatically; this means that you need to breathe in the stomach. Imagine that you are inflating a balloon, take deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth. Do this exercise for 5 minutes.

   2. Learn grounding techniques. Through these techniques, you can step back from your emotional pain and turn off your emotions.

      • Try the following exercises: silently count up to 100, count sheep, count the number of objects in the room, list all the cities of the Central Federal District of Russia or the names of all kinds of colors. Use everything logical and non-emotional that can distract you from the situation.

   3. Make it your habit. Eventually, your mind will learn to remove unpleasant memories, and you will naturally begin to think logically and unemotionally in any unpleasant situations. Practice will help you achieve your goal faster. You can turn off emotions when necessary.