Many people suffer because of the lack of pleasant communication with other people. Often a person explains it to himself like this: "I'm afraid to call my friends, invite them somewhere, because I'm afraid that they will consider me obsessive." Or like this: “I don’t take the initiative, I don’t say what I want, because I’m afraid to be intrusive.”
But let's learn to distinguish the usual friendly interest or the usual request / offer from obsession! It is very important! After all, understanding this difference will help us please people and get what we want from life.
What does it mean to impose on a person?
Imagine: sitting at home with a cup of tea, frost outside the window... and suddenly your phone rings. This is your friend Sasha. You pick up the phone and hear:
“Sorry…are you okay?”
“Yes, thank you, I’m fine, I just don’t feel very well.
“Ah, well, it’s clear ... well, get well soon, we’ll be in touch.”
Thanks, have a nice day!
What do you feel for Sasha after such a dialogue? Did you feel like he was being forced on you?
Now compare the previous dialogue with the following:
- Hello! Congratulations on the start of winter! I'm going to go ice skating, will you keep me company?
- Hello, Sasha. Thank you, you, too, with the beginning of winter ... No, thank you, I don’t want to go to the skating rink, I’m not in the mood.
- Oh, come on... Let's go, ride, your mood will improve immediately!
- Sasha, I'm sorry, I still refuse.
- Well, why are you just limp ... let's go, ride, chat, I'll treat you to beer (ice cream, coffee ...) ... We haven't seen each other for a whole week!
- No, let's do it another time.
What do you feel after this dialogue? Strained? Want to end the conversation as soon as possible? In a word, the sensations from the first dialogue and from the second are RADICALLY different. I hope you managed to feel this difference (if not, re-read both dialogues again).
We impose ourselves on a person if and only if we refuse to accept his refusal, when we try to convince him. If we simply offer a person something (meet, go on a picnic, etc.), or ask him for help and at the same time are ready to accept any of his decisions, this will never be perceived as an imposition...
Let's go one step further...
What does a person who says “I don’t like to impose on people” really think and feel?
In fact, this person does not want to hear "no" from other people. It is the fear of rejection that is usually hidden behind the excuse “I just don’t want to impose on people.”
After all, you and I have just found out, using a specific example, what imposing is. Don't want to be forced? Great! Just go along with whatever the person decides.
But as a rule, this rule does not help many people to become more open and proactive ... Because their biggest fear is that they will be refused.
Just think about it! the fear of rejection makes people sit at home, alone, instead of having fun with friends, living a busy life. Fear of rejection makes it difficult to ask for help when you really need it! People prefer to solve their problems on their own. Simply because they are afraid to hear "no" in response to a call for help.
But this stupid fear of rejection can be eliminated. Just like other social fears.
Just imagine what your life would be like if you were not driven by the fear of hearing no.
Since I myself used to suffer from a fear of people (including the fear of hearing "no"), I made a FREE newsletter in which I give people working techniques to overcome the fear of people. These techniques have helped not only me, but also thousands of my subscribers.
Just enter your name and email in the form at the very top right of this page and you will get exercises that cut social fears to the very root.
Probably, all of us at least once got into an unpleasant situation when someone bothered us with their obsessive behavior ... Most often, we resent such people and do not know how to get rid of them. To be able to effectively avoid these problems, you need to understand the causes of obsessions.
Why do people behave like this?
Reason one. A person is lonely, and he seeks to find an outlet in communication with someone.
I have a friend who gets in touch almost every other day. If he sees me on Skype, he calls there. If I'm not there, he can call home or on and start to find out why I'm not showing up on Skype. Moreover, he rarely calls on business, more often just “to find out the news”. Recently, this has become a problem, since there is not always something to talk about, and sometimes there is no mood, and an acquaintance often interrupts me from work. I don’t want to “send” him, since he is quite an interesting and intelligent person.
What to do? In this situation, I said that on weekdays I do not have time to communicate and that it is better to call on weekends.
It happens, of course, that we are not at all interested in communicating with someone, but a person calls or comes. In this case, you need to act according to the situation. If the case is limited to calls or emails, then stop answering calls and messages, block the caller's number, etc. If an annoying person comes to you personally, then you can not open the door for him (if you have a peephole or a camera), pretending that no one is at home. Sooner or later he will get tired of visiting you. If all the above measures do not help, it is easier to say in plain text that you are not interested in communication.
The second reason. The man wants you to do something for him.
Again, an example from personal experience. I regularly get calls from some beauty salon and invite me to use their services. They apparently just dug up the number on the Web. I regularly reply that I am not interested in beauty salon services and that I ask you not to call me again. But the calls keep coming. As it turned out, other friends of mine also received similar calls.
It is clear that in this way the salon is trying to lure new customers. This is their marketing policy. Although it is not clear what benefit the salon has from such "empty" calls. But, apparently, their leadership thinks otherwise - a drop wears away a stone ...
In some cases, the tactic works, and the person agrees to fulfill the request or demand, just to get rid of him. I have a friend who uses a similar tactic if some organization owes him money. Once he proudly told how for six months he beat out a fee of 500 rubles from one publication, literally starving the editorial office ...
What to do? Of course, if, having met the person halfway, you resolve the situation and do not cause yourself much damage, then it is better to do what you are asked to do.
If these actions are unacceptable for you, look for other ways. Try, in the end, to agree, to make some kind of compromise with the petitioner ... In the most extreme case, you can involve third parties to resolve the situation, even a lawyer, threaten ... Or go on principle, flatly refusing to communicate with those who are so intrusive from you achieves something. Although if, for example, you owe money to someone and do not give it back, then the tactics of “leaving” can turn into big problems.
Reason three. A person has a feeling for you or just sympathy and is looking for a reason to communicate.
It is clear that if the feeling is mutual, there are no problems. But it happens that people use the strategy of "obsession" to win the desired person. And it can be very annoying.
I had a situation when a chronically unemployed man who I did not like at all tried to look after me. He constantly attacked me with emails, texts and messages on social networks. He called, however, rarely, since he had no money, and I had to call either on a mobile phone or on an intercity. All this really bothered me and lasted for several years.
What to do? I stopped responding to messages and one day I simply got nasty to this subject on the phone. In fact, she didn't speak very politely. Apparently, he understood, since he stopped trying to “get” me.
Everything, however, depends on the individual. For one, a hint of unwillingness to maintain a relationship is enough - say, words about your excessive employment. The other does not recognize the dogma “you won’t be forced to be nice” and goes ahead. In this case, there are only two alternatives. Either addressed to a person (bad, of course, but what can you do), or an equally frank conversation that this individual is not the hero of your novel.
Sometimes there are inadequate people who are not embarrassed by such things, they act according to the principle “you will still be mine!”. If you have become the object of persecution by someone, then you have the right to apply to the authorities, the court, and so on. But more often than not, talking to “serious” people is enough, who will gently or not so much advise the stalker to leave you alone. As a rule, if there is a threat to life and, the instinct of self-preservation turns on, and the obsessive type relieves you of its presence.
The main thing is to understand the motives of the person who is annoying. If you understand what drives him, you will understand how to behave so that the situation does not cause you problems.
And you understand that you will not have a pleasant dialogue. Therefore, when you see him from afar, feel free to dive into the passage, cross to another street or hide in a store.
Interrupt the conversation, citing an urgent matter. At importunate human there is no sense of tact, so a languid "sorry, I have to go" will not make the proper impression on him. Say something unexpected. For example, say that in 10 minutes a helicopter is coming for you and you need to be on the roof of your house, or you are decorating your toilet right now and your hands are covered in paint. An annoying person will simply be confused and will not find anything to object to you, and you will be able to escape, taking advantage of his confusion.
Keep interrupting him. When he tells you his next story, say something like “I’m not interested, let’s better discuss my favorite film”, “listen about it, but how is our mutual friend Marina?”.
Cling to the words in his story, ask clarifying. The more ridiculous the question, the better, the main thing is their number. Imagine yourself as a blonde from jokes in order to better get used to the role. Attacked by your questions, the annoying person will try to quickly end the conversation.
If you are an incredibly tactful person and do not want anyone with your refusal, sit back and think about something pleasant. Occasionally insert "yes", "uh-huh" and shake your head contritely. You can do it inappropriately, it will turn out even better. The annoying one will suspect this is a trick and, having finished your conversation, will go looking for a new victim.
Sources:
- Psychological vampirism. How to get rid of an annoying interlocutor?
- how to get rid of an annoying person
- How to get rid of an annoying interlocutor
Some people are so tactless and intrusive that he wants to run away from them. To skillfully get rid of an interlocutor who has gone too far, you need to adopt several methods for various occasions.
Avoid communication
If you know in advance about the individual that communication with him may become unbearable, try to avoid him. Do not approach this person, do not keep up the conversation. Answer in one word. Don't be afraid to appear impolite. You do not cross any boundaries of decency. Remember, you have the right to value your own time and choose with whom to communicate.
If the conversation with the obsessive has already started and dragged on a little, find an excuse to leave. Deal with an urgent matter. Just do not wait for permission from the interlocutor, leave immediately. Sometimes tactless people can drive you crazy with the process of saying goodbye.
Seize the Initiative
Don't let the annoying person take over the conversation. Interrupt the thread of his endless reasoning with constant questions, sometimes even on other topics. Try to throw the individual off course, so you make the conversation shorter.
Develop the theme of the annoying person by interrupting him and talking about personal experience and observations on this issue. Show a lively interest in the conversation, but don't let the bore talk. Maybe you will be able to surpass him, and the annoying person will start looking for a new victim.
Tire the interlocutor by talking quickly and a lot, while gesticulating abundantly. If your interlocutor is used to talking slowly, following his thought slowly and describing in detail all the little things in the story, you need to jump from one subject to another and literally chatter. The interlocutor will feel uncomfortable and leave.
If, on the contrary, your opponent speaks quickly and energetically, you need to communicate slowly, rolling your eyes thoughtfully and describing this or that event at length. This technique requires the manifestation of some acting skills. But if you are successful in communications and know how to adapt to the interlocutor, you will be able to do the opposite, so as not to dispose the individual to a long conversation.
Ask uncomfortable questions. Do not indulge the bore and listen to his stories. It is better to move on to provocative questions about something completely personal or discuss a topic that is sore for the individual. Of course, the method is not entirely humane, but it is up to you to decide when to use it and whether to adopt it.
digress
You don't have to listen to what the person you don't like is saying. If, due to your politeness, you can neither escape nor interrupt the conversation, think about something of your own. First, you will be much more pleasant in the company of an annoying person if you immerse yourself in your own thoughts. Secondly, even a tactless person can notice that you are not interested and leave you alone.
Both sides in a dialogue suffer from obsession
Obsession as a personality trait is a predisposition to meticulously, obsessively impose the provision of services, one's society, the topic of conversation, while ignoring the desire (lack of it) of others. An annoying person unceremoniously tries to invade your individual space without giving you the right to choose. A person who is a hooker is bored and dreary in his loneliness.
They are spiritually poor. They hold a grudge when they do not want to communicate with them. They ask why you did not respond to messages where you disappeared? Obsession is an attempt to completely enslave the will of another person. Such people are unhappy in love relationships. Intrusiveness discourages the desire to communicate and destroys feelings. It is unbearable to stay with a person who completely devours your energy, manipulating your consciousness.
The difference between obsession and persistence
What does ? This is a trait that helps to achieve a goal, while showing respect for the opinions of others. It's like a long-term plan. It does not have speed and instant results.
What about obsession? Weakness of character, selfishness, egocentrism!
The obsessive demands subjugation from head to toe. Persecution and annoyance will not bring a positive outcome. The bottom line is that the boundary between obsession and perseverance in each person is determined purely individually. Therein lies the difficulty.
How to learn not to impose on people
In order not to be intrusive, you should not end the relationship. It is necessary to build communication, observing certain conditions:
- Live your life respecting the opinions of others. What are you interested in? Do you have a hobby? Spend more time self-knowledge, something new, exciting. This is much more useful than pestering someone.
- Knowing of limits. Manifest - you need to feel the line beyond which pleasant communication with you ends and the patience of your presence begins. Be wise and consider people's opinions.
- Another method. Instead of begging and shaking out what you want, try to deserve it worthily. So that a person would not be a burden to give what you want.
- Charge your battery. Obsession is akin to energy vampirism. Replenish your strength on your own, not like a lousy leech. How to replenish energy? Get it from nature, your favorite things, but do not pull from people.
It is possible to learn not to impose on people.
If you want, but don't know how to end relationships with annoying people, use one of these proven love magic conspiracies!
These conspiracies¹ are read to end unnecessary relationships, get rid of harassment, harassment, nitpicking, claims ... But are you sure of your decision?
Love magic will help nullify unwanted courtship, and at the same time you do not have to sort things out.
A conspiracy to get rid of a boring person
“I will pass between the gray houses along my familiar road, not noticing anyone, not greeting anyone. I do not need anyone, and even more so (name). The wind will take (name) away from me. The rain will wash it out of my way. The sun will burn.
I am on my own, and (name) is on my own. Our communication, our infatuation with each other is over.
I will raise my chin, straighten my shoulders, walk past (name). I am moving towards my goal, but for (name) it is not noticeable. The clouds of steam from a passing car disappeared into the air, and so did my relationship with (name). Between the gray houses I walk along my familiar road all alone. And I love it. Khantaa ular".
Conspiracy how to end a relationship
“I will make myself a boat of dreams. I will sail away on this boat from (name). He will never find me. Get lost in your paths. I will go to the right side, and (name) to the left. I will go to the left, and (name) to the right.
We have different paths, different goals. We have different thoughts, different desires.
Stopping (name) from meeting me. I forbid him to see me. I conjure him with a terrible spell from nit-picking me and claims. I am freed from the burden of fate (name). We have nothing in common and never will. Pull us apart. My sleep is strong and manageable. Khantaa ular".
When pronouncing the words “Khantaa ular”, which means: “Thank you, this is my will, so be it”, hands must be folded in a boat in front of the chest and a slight bow should be made.
Notes and feature articles for a deeper understanding of the material
¹ Conspiracy - "small" folklore texts that serve as a magical means of achieving the desired in healing, protective, producing and other rituals (
