Women should study such signs as carefully as possible in order to be able to protect themselves as well as their families.
The first disturbing "bell" indicating a man's possible propensity for violence is his fascinating stories about numerous fights with his direct participation. A man may talk to you about how often he had to walk beaten as a child. Perhaps he will tell you that his parents often punished him with a belt, or he himself often became an active initiator of fights and other showdowns. According to statistics, about thirty percent of children, to whom their parents used mainly physical forms of punishment, subsequently turn into inveterate fighters in adulthood. At the same time, they do not tend to feel guilty about themselves.
Many of these people generally shift all the blame and responsibility to those to whom they use physical violence. There is, of course, a small percentage of men who have realized the need to correct their behavior. However, it can be extremely difficult to correct yourself in this regard. It is hardly possible to do without the help of a specialist. In most cases, the tendency to physical violence is incurable. Therefore, it is better not to start a relationship with such a person at all than to waste time trying to correct him.
The second sign of a tendency to aggression is such a moment in the behavior of a man when he begins to throw and break nearby objects. If a man, being in a state of anger or affect, begins to scatter, throw, throw or beat the surrounding objects, then this means that he lacks the ability to self-control. Such a person cannot keep feelings and negative emotions to himself. This is fraught with the fact that at one moment, in a fit of rage, instead of objects and things, he will spread to people. At the same time, it will not matter to him which of the people will be at his fingertips. A sign of aggression in a man can be clear threats about the possibility of using violence. If one of the people began to openly threaten you, then you should never let it take its course.
You definitely need to think carefully. Indeed, in a similar way, aggressive individuals begin to blackmail people who act as victims for them. Depriving the victim of self-respect, an aggressive person begins to control the situation and dictate their terms. At the same time, it is not worth expecting the termination of threats of the good will of an aggressive man. In most cases, threats only portend immediate physical violence. A sign of a tendency to the latter can be constant control and isolation. If a man is constantly trying to control the connections, behavior and life of a woman in general, then this is a sure sign of the presence of aggressive qualities in a man. Control can be expressed in the fact that a man does not allow a woman to communicate with her friends, does not let her go alone on the street and in every possible way seeks to isolate her from the rest of society. As a rule, at the beginning of a relationship with a woman, an aggressive man tries to give her as much time as possible. Gradually, with various arguments, he tries to persuade her to quit her job or stop studying so that a woman can always sit at home with him. Later, the man will definitely take control of all the expenses of the woman. At the same time, he will often ask questions on what exactly the woman spent the money. All this is often accompanied by checking messages and calls on the woman’s phone or email. Many women explain such control by a feeling of jealousy sitting in a man.
However, jealousy hides deeper roots that have nothing to do with it. And just these roots serve as a manifestation of violence that is possible at the beginning and actual in the future. Of course, if a man is simply jealous of his beloved woman, then this cannot in all cases mean his tendency to assault. You need to think carefully if a man begins to show jealousy for no reason. This can be expressed in the constant interest of a man where and with whom the woman is.
At the same time, fits of rage in such a man can occur even when a woman simply greeted one of the familiar men. Already behind jealousy and other unkind manifestations, as a rule, an aggressive man switches to insults. Rudeness, harsh remarks, and obvious insults are also signs of a violent inclination. Even when a man utters his remarks or reproaches as a joke, you need to think carefully and be alert. At their core, insults herald or even directly initiate a covert form of aggression. At the same time, a man may try to somehow humiliate the woman’s family, her friends, as well as her feelings, emotions or interests. All this can greatly undermine a woman's self-confidence.
This is precisely what an aggressive man achieves in order to get a woman into his complete power. The next sign of an aggressive man can be the use of physical force and rudeness during his argument with a woman. If during a conversation or an argument with you, your man clearly starts to dislike something, and at the same time he starts grabbing your shoulders, arms, neck, shaking, pushing, closing doors in front of you or not letting you pass, then he will not be limited. In the near future, all this can develop into very cruel actions towards you. An aggressive man can also be recognized by the fact that he tries to blame other people for his own failures. Naturally aggressive people are very fond of looking for the cause of their own mistakes in someone else, but at the same time they do not take into account their own shortcomings. Also, aggressive people are not inclined to take responsibility for their words or actions. If you directly tell such a man that he is very aggressive, then in response you can hear that it was you who caused his aggressive behavior and thereby drove him out of himself. When parting with such a man, be sure that he will speak of you by no means flattering, while he will try to present himself exclusively in a favorable light.
Aggression of a man can be shown to animals, as well as to children. If a man uses physical violence against creatures that are initially unable to fight back, then this directly indicates the beginnings of cruelty in him. Aggressive men are by nature incapable of having true love for either animals or children. And if a man has already begun to use assault or violence against a woman, then with almost one hundred percent probability he will do this in relation to her children. Often, aggression in a man is provoked by the excessive use of drugs or drugs belonging to the category of psychotropic. Alcohol and drugs become faithful companions of aggressive and violent individuals. However, as a result of the use of such substances, a person ceases to think adequately at certain moments, as well as objectively perceive the situation. Therefore, communication with such personalities should be very moderate and extremely careful. You can expect absolutely everything from them. Often a sign of possible aggression in behavior is haste. People who are prone to violence and cruelty are not able to wait long and patiently for the realization of their own goals.
Such men do not like to take care of the woman they like for a long time. They prefer things to move quickly. Therefore, it is often possible to hear from such a man a sudden proposal for marriage or for the early birth of children. In this way, the man hopes to subjugate the woman as fully as possible. At the same time, he does not leave the woman time to think or doubt. The constant resentment of a man can also become a prerequisite for aggressive behavior. Those people who tend to be offended by comments addressed to them are in constant readiness to fight. Because of their own low self-esteem, such men will definitely blame the woman for all troubles. If a man is aggressive by nature, then he will show similar signs in behavior from the very first moments of acquaintance.
However, at first, such men try to explain their control, passing it off as love or care. But the deplorable consequences will make themselves felt very soon. This usually happens when a woman is no longer able to independently take any action without a man. If the situation has reached such a point, then this is already an extreme degree. If the behavior of the man you are dating exhibits more than three of the signs described earlier, then we can safely say that he is a potential criminal. It is sometimes extremely difficult for women to break off relations with such a man, especially if she loves very much. But further communication with such a person can become dangerous for the woman herself, so it is imperative to prepare for a break in relations.
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| OlgaS 23.06 14:40 |
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I agree with many things in the article. Men who are aggressive towards women, children, animals, as a rule, are big losers in life, do not have large muscles, have a penchant for alcohol or other types of stress relief. I've had to deal with these in my life. The habit of throwing objects or throwing the phone against the wall betrays them completely. It is a pity for women who continue to endure a mocking attitude, give birth to children from them and, covering bruises with foundation cream, do their best to save the family, saying the stupidest phrase "a child needs a father." I know for sure, by myself, it doesn’t make sense to even forgive someone who hit him once, no matter how he kneels and begs, to forgive him is to commit a crime against himself and his children, because history will surely repeat itself. For him, the fact of beating as a way to prove his innocence, it turns out, is acceptable, at some subconscious level. |
Wetzler Scott
"HOW TO LIVE WITH THIS UNBEARABLE MAN"
Introduction
Chapter 1. Anatomy of passive aggression
Chapter 2 On an emotional swing with a passive-aggressive man
Chapter 3 Who feels attracted to a passive-aggressive man?
Chapter 4. Passive-aggressive man: how he matures and becomes like this
Chapter 5. In the monotonous wheel of the dependency mill
Chapter 6 Face to face with the dragon: passive-aggressive man and anger
Chapter 7 Networking: Intimacy and Commitment
Chapter 8 Passive-aggressive man in sex
Chapter 9 Marriage and fatherhood
Chapter 10 Minefield: passive-aggressive man at work
Epilogue
INTRODUCTION
Many of the stories that I, as a practicing psychologist, hear from women about some of the men in their lives are quite similar in detail. And this applies to what they talk about courtship, family life, family conflicts, work dynamics or minor daily meetings.
In their descriptions of relationships with young people, husbands, fathers or bosses, certain behavior patterns: many of these men piss them off through sophisticated power plays, obstructive tactics, and twisted logic. It seems like there is always a struggle going on, whether it's intimacy, respect, success at work, or something as simple as ordering food from a waiter. " If I tell him what I want, - the female patients repeat to me over and over again, - it means that he will make it harder for me to get it.
Such infuriating and unnerving behavior has its own methodology and its own name: passive aggression - and it is passive-aggressive behavior that “drives these women crazy”. What exactly do men do in their lives? How is passive-aggressive behavior manifested? See if the following real life cases are familiar to you.
Mark and Heather have been living together for about a year, but lately Mark often plays the role of "accidental" lover. He takes off his clothes, lies down, letting Heather know he wants sex. But she is never completely sure: Mark does not resist her caresses, but he does not show much enthusiasm either. Even at the moment of sexual relations, Heather does not know if he wants satisfaction for at least one of them or intimacy. If you ask him what he wants, he will reply, "You know..." If you ask Mark if he's been satisfied, the answer might be to turn away from Heather, twist the facts, permanently causing her to refuse further questions, or respond with remarks like : "You always need compliments ..." The feeling of satisfaction from love turns into a feeling of shock.
Jack, VP of Marketing, is a very popular person with some good ideas and a high level of ambition. Jack and his colleague Nora, who holds the same position, were assigned to work together on a project. Jack considers himself the "think tank" of his department and always tells clients and subordinates that he is in charge. More silent by nature, Nora has become a leading figure in the department since joining the agency four months ago. Jack cannot accept this fact.
Now that Jack and Nora must work together on the same project for a major client, Nora discovers who is "in charge": Jack does not pass on some of the most important messages to Nora; he makes appointments with a client without informing her; he spends most of the day trying to stop Nora from getting a deal signed with a client. Angry and not understanding what is happening, Nora confronts him directly with a question. Jack states to her that "there is no better player on the team than him". The next morning, Jack complains to their boss that Nora is putting off making a deal, that she is missing client meetings, that they are unhappy with her work, and that she is not answering their phone calls.
Janet promised her retired parents to organize a family dinner since they rarely see each other. Eddie, her older brother, works late at the town newspaper: Janet has her own business, and besides, she is raising her twin sons on her own. Therefore, it was very difficult for them to agree on a time for dinner that would be convenient for everyone.
Finally the time has been set. Janet plans to have a dinner with food brought to order and spends a huge amount of time and money on its arrangement. Eddie keeps talking about how he can't wait to meet his family and of course he'll be at Janet's by seven o'clock, seven-thirty at the latest. He calls at six to say he'll be half an hour late, but he doesn't show up until five hours later without apologizing.
Janet explodes, the mother begins to cry, and the father accuses the son of "spoilage and selfishness." And Eddie does not understand why everyone is so angry - it just does not reach him.
Eddie says he got a call about a scandalous story that could have been front-page sensational material, and he went to meet with the source. Eddie believes that the family should be happy for him, because this case could be a turning point in his career. Why won't they leave him? How important is one organized dinner compared to its success. Besides, he didn't ask Janet to organize the damn dinner, did he? Eddie states that the family makes a molehill out of a fly and demands something from him while he is "mindful of his own business."
What is really going on in these stories? It's just that one person brings another, but does it passive-aggressively. The guy hints at intimacy or makes a promise; You want to believe it's true; then he backs off and smugly ignores your offense and even... accuses you of having problems!
If these sketches strike a chord with you, then you are familiar with passive-aggressive behavior. And just like Heather, Nora or Janet, you have the right to be angry. Passive-aggressive men play dishonestly. Marks, Jackie, or Eddie may respect, be attracted to, or even passionately love the women in their lives, but the women don't know it.
These passive-aggressive men in relationships with women deny them the right to have needs or feelings. They close opportunities to consider issues and focus on how they can achieve what they want. So we see a dilemma here: openly talking to them seems useless, and it is impossible to accept their behavior, because it infuriates .
As you read this book chapter by chapter. You will date different types of passive-aggressive men. It can be a man obsessed with love, climbing up the social ladder, who again composes his story in the form in which he needs it, like F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby - the quintessential self-creator; walking a boastful taxi driver who does not pay attention to your explanations about the shortest way to your house, loses his way and complains angrily about being forced to drive a taxi; or an abusive mid-level executive on his way up the Fortune 500 ranks, obsessed with career dreams. Whoever he is, he can create big trouble in your life.
Passive-aggressive men today
The term "passive-aggressive" was first used during World War II by an army psychiatrist, Colonel William Menninger, who dealt with cases of severe negative reactions in military life. Menninger recognized that the war machine is designed to achieve uniformity and submission, where there is no individual choice, opinion or experience, but only rigid rules, where you are not the master of your own destiny. He noticed that while some men felt very comfortable in this rigid institutional structure, others vegetated and protested if not through madness, as was the case with the hero of the film "Capture-22", trying to escape from the army, then through meek disobedience. To cope with the change that was forced upon them and the lack of personal choice, these soldiers fought back, ignored orders, withdrew, and simply wanted to run away. Menninger termed this resistance the term "passive aggression", which is a kind of "reaction of immaturity" .
Structures that leave little chance for individual self-expression, such as the military or large bureaucratic institutions, provide fertile ground for passive aggression, which can be considered an attempt (typically futile) by weak people to undermine the authority of a stronger opponent . When someone lacks the strength and resources to directly challenge the authorities, resistance is manifested covertly, not in a direct way.
In a sense, the defiant World War II soldier is the prototype of today's passive-aggressive male who also refuses to do what is expected of him. Passive aggression has become a common problem in our everyday life, going far beyond the military and invading the sphere of personal relationships: at home, in the bedroom, at work. Passive aggression is no longer the result of opposing the weak to the strong, it is the only possible reaction of a person who considers himself weak and helpless to people who, in his opinion, are more powerful. The wife in his mind turns into a senior sergeant, and the boss into a dictator.
The tragedy of the passive-aggressive man today is that he misinterprets personal relationships as power struggles and sees himself as powerless.
Also, as you will understand as you read this book, the secret to dealing with a passive-aggressive man is to correct this delusion and help him feel more powerful.
Passive aggression is such a global phenomenon today that passive-aggressive men easily cross boundaries, literally and figuratively. And if men like Mark and Eddie spoil our personal lives, then some powerful people harm the world and its economy and do it passive-aggressively. Saddam Hussein, breaking into Kuwait and declaring that Iraq was the victim of American aggression, mocked us and tested the limits of our patience. The passive aggression of Saddam Hussein is disgusting in its hypocrisy.
But much more typical is the passive aggressor in a candy wrapper who fires his emotional SCUD missiles in your direction at night, asking for a fight and accusing you of being in the line of fire. This is what I call the cold war of everyday life.
I learn various “war” stories not only from patients talking about men they love, with whom they live or work, but also by reading in the press about open acts of passive aggression related to politics or business. I am greatly intrigued by stories of men who manipulate in the bedroom and in the boardroom to the same effect. It seems to me that passive aggression will exist as a style of behavior in human relations for a long time, but they began to treat it with greater tolerance, they began to accept it better.
What led to a clear increase in passive aggression and where does it come from?
The widespread passive aggression can in part be attributed to the sexual revolution. Thirty years ago, men sought self-affirmation through confrontation. If a man wanted something and fought for it, it was called aggression and society sanctioned it. The art of diplomacy, tact, the ability to smooth sharp corners and remove serious conflicts were more inherent in the traditional "passive" role of a woman.
Before the advent of the women's movement, a dissatisfied wife who was financially dependent on her husband was unlikely to be able to express herself and make demands. Today, due to the fact that the imbalance of power in relations between a man and a woman has somewhat improved, and there are greater opportunities for independence, a woman is very disposed to express herself. When she demanded more power, some of the men she came into contact with felt less powerful and scared. The women's movement has not only helped women understand what self-affirmation, self-respect and fulfillment of goals are both inside and outside their home, but it has changed men themselves - some very little, and others - to a huge extent. Out of this movement grew the New Woman, and with her the New Man.
This New Man was given the opportunity to express his feelings, to cry, to take some of the financial burden off his shoulders by agreeing that his spouse or partner would work if she wanted to; he has discarded some of the stereotypes of behavior and gender roles, he helps a woman in childbirth and treats women as equals. The women's movement has created a wave of identity crises for both men and women. Women want the opportunities that have always been open to men, and they fight for those opportunities. Men want to have what they have always had - power, but they give it or not give it passive-aggressively. The male did not die, he only fell into a coma.
It is very common for the New Man to complain about work (once considered "effeminacy"), to cry at fate, to declare his poverty and show weakness, instead of always remaining, as before, the old-style stoic, the leader in the spirit of "take it and hold on." In the book Power! How to Achieve and Use It Michael Korda writes that some men have turned humiliation into a "productive and profitable system." Despite the fact that men show pride, power and a leadership role without much hesitation, life is no longer what it used to be and "...hence the difficulty in finding someone who would agree to take responsibility for an unpleasant decision - unlike the old days, when young people viewed every unpleasant decision as a small way station on the road to success and wanted nothing more than to prove that they made this decision themselves, alone, without consulting anyone.
Considering the changes that have taken place in the New Man in his personal and professional life, I sometimes wonder if the accusatory label “passive aggression”, which is so easily stuck, really reflects some nostalgia for the sixties of our century and for even earlier times, when men were men and had a clear position.
Certainly, passive aggression is not the exclusive privilege of men; women are also susceptible to it. The reason I focus only on male psychology in this book is that men are passive-aggressive in especially destructive and ugly forms that kill love, destroy service relationships and world order. They torture themselves and you. For whatever reason - it could be because women perceive the laws of society differently, learn charm and diplomacy at an early age, or because women have less testosterone - passive aggression for women today is not such a serious psychological problem as for men.
Why write a book on passive aggression?
The answer is simple: passive-aggressive behavior breaks relationships that otherwise might well develop.
If you were familiar with men like Mark, Jack or Eddie, which were mentioned above, if such a man is your husband, lover, brother, boss, friend, colleague - you saw how he destroys relationships, how he wastes his potential . Probably, you were deeply offended by this virtuoso of evasion. You bypass him, and then he inflicts a deep wound on you.
This book is written for women like you who communicate, live, have been hurt or hope for a relationship with this unique character. If you love such a man, then you know him as a person who never answers you fully with his love; he promises, but rarely delivers. He sees himself as a victim of repeated misunderstandings, a knot of intricate, intertwining threads of behavior that no one can figure out. His personality is confusing precisely because he is passive, amenable to affection, evasive, but at the same time he aggressively resists you, intimacy, responsibility and logic.
At the moment, entangled in his behavior, you may doubt yourself, not him. If you're infatuated with a passive-aggressive man, trying to figure him out can be as difficult for you as climbing Everest. As an experienced psychologist, I must tell you that a passive-aggressive man here has no advantages over you - perhaps he, like you, cannot figure out who he is and how he lives! But, passive aggression is an understandable psychological model of behavior: its driving force is anger, and the hidden reason is fear. As you read this book, you will be better able to understand the passive-aggressive men in your life and the games they play. The ultimate success or failure of your relationship will depend on how you both consciously dealt with his and your problems.
With some knowledge of the passive-aggressive personality, you will laugh at his games and dead loop logic and you will be able to choose to stay with him or leave him and decide what is best for you, you will be able to apply his tactics to him and reduce your losses. However, if you've been caught in a trap - at home, at work, or even completely by accident, but this accident has hurt you in the slightest, you may feel too deeply hurt to laugh.
If you were "hooked" by a passive-aggressive man (or if you grew up together), you too often felt resentful and angry because of his games. You would like to decide whether to stay with him or leave, but you yourself do not know why you cannot do this. On the one hand, you have a passive-aggressive man and his antics, and on the other, your own weakness in front of him.
With the help of this book, I hope to guide you through the labyrinth of the logic of the behavior of a passive-aggressive personality, reveal the secrets of such a personality and help solve problematic issues.
This book had three goals:
1. Show how a passive-aggressive man thinks, feels and acts and how he became that way.
2. Explain why you feel exactly what you feel in relation to such a man.
3. And finally, to help you put the perspective of your relationship with a passive-aggressive man; urge you to analyze your expectations and propose a strategy of behavior in order to begin to eliminate relationship problems.
This book tells the difficult life experiences of my patients, friends and volunteers described here under false names, who have already gone through the difficulties that you now face. This is not just an analysis of deviant behavior, but a digression to where problems arise between women and passive-aggressive men, and an attempt to change such behavior, if possible.
In the following chapters, you will learn about what makes such behavior, on the one hand, interesting, and on the other, frustrating. Using real portraits of passive-aggressive men, I will detail the evolution of the behavior of such a man - why and how he became the way he is. I will describe the main features of his character - I will show what kind of games and behaviors set traps for him and for you.
I hope that after reading this book you will understand how to build relationships with a passive-aggressive man, what you want from him, learn to resist him, make the right decisions. As you improve your contact with your partner, find out if you can resolve relationship problems or if you should start looking for other chances and alternatives for yourself and gain the respect you deserve.
We all strive to understand the meaning of our feelings and actions and to embark on a path that holds the key to understanding why we are who we are and why we love those we love. This is a path worth taking. I believe in reason and the flexible ability of man to help himself and others. Flexibility helps with this willingness that we all have to change things that have become interfering with relationships. Change is not easy, and changing another person without their consent is almost impossible.
In this book you will find information about behavioral strategies for changing relationships based on the experiences of women who have lived with and loved passive-aggressive men. But, above all, this book gives you the opportunity to start all over again, understanding and rediscovering yourself.
CHAPTER FIRST
The fact that most modern wives are enraged by their husbands is no secret. But what is the reason? Take a look at your copy, remember your girlfriends - male passivity infuriates women. This miracle with dignity in his pants either lies on the couch, staring at the blue screen, or disappears in the next battle in a computer game. Meanwhile, the weaker half drags tons of products from the store, scrubs floors, cooks, raises children, works (maybe even lead in replenishing the family budget), inspects elderly parents (quite possibly his dearest half) and pours out his heart to his girlfriend in a free moment, lamenting a lazy husband who cannot be interrogated to take out the trash.
This falls under the term of psychology: "passive-aggressive behavior." By becoming familiar with this topic, both sexes will benefit for themselves - men will see themselves from a different side, and women will understand what is wrong with their halves.
Do not push me
People who are characterized by passive-aggressive behavior, by any means avoid even the slightest responsibility. His principle is to do the least number of assignments. At attempts to scold him, he reacts with a stream of lies, listing a million reasons that do not give him the opportunity to do what is required of him.
Laziness was clearly born before him, the only thing he does not get tired of wasting his strength on is inventing another good reason to evade work. Any control perceives with hostility, but categorically refuses to take responsibility. Promises and does not fulfill, reminding him of this infuriates him.
A passive-aggressive person has one characteristic feature - he is not capable of openly expressing his dissatisfaction with this world.
So he gets out, living according to his desires on the sly, putting off difficult things, being late for events that are unpleasant for him and not doing what is expected of him.
Working with such a person is not sugar - who likes a colleague who constantly shirks work, misses all the deadlines, looks for the guilty on the side and gives 1001 reasons to mess around.
It's even worse to live with it. As they say, he doesn’t even hammer a nail at home, doesn’t fulfill the promise, spits on his wife’s needs and dives into deep water as soon as she tries to call him to a frank conversation.
Moreover, accusations of hysteria and an attempt to fashion an elephant from a fly fly to his wife. “Do not put pressure on me” is the motto of such a character, he does not get tired of conveying it to the ears of his wife. And how to explain to such that the goal is not to put pressure, but simply it is driven by the desire to discuss what is sore?
Complex from childhood: strict control
If you read the description of a person who is prone to passive-aggressive behavior, then you will come across such a definition as an evil hypocrite, to negotiate with which an empty number. You hear one thing from him, you actually see another, and when you try to bring him to clean water, he, having become in the fifth position, will throw accusations in your face.
In fact, such a person by nature can be “white and fluffy” (quite sweet and decent), but at the slightest threat of control from outside, he resorts to protection developed from childhood. They are simply driven by fear.
This is usually the fault of the parents. According to Scott Wetzler, author of Living With the Passive Aggressive Man, the reason for this behavior lies in childhood - the child was not given the opportunity to express his needs and feelings.
This usually happens in families with an overly strict father or an authoritarian mother, where there can be no question of any manifestation of individuality - the child can only get used to surviving in such conditions. Since he is deprived of the opportunity to openly express his feelings - anger or discontent, he does this secretly.
All life is a struggle, in childhood with his parents, in adulthood with his wife, in whom he sees a desire to control and suppress him. The wife, out of her will, is drawn into this game - he is inactive, she rightly gets angry and makes claims, he gets into a pose and tries to make his wife feel guilty.
How does the passive-aggressive type live?
Before taking action, one must know his main principles of life. So,
He postpones everything until Monday
Avoidance of duties - on that he stands firmly. You can remind you of a loosened door in a chest of drawers until hoarseness in your voice, and in response, another clause that prevents repairs. Nerves give up, and a formidable flies: “What to do on the weekend!”. Wrong!
Solution. No set deadlines! He himself must decide when to do and be responsible for his actions. Nothing to make decisions for him. How can?
"Maiden memory"
Everyone can forget something, it is quite natural. However, passive-aggressive partners get amnesia at the most inopportune moments. I didn’t pay for utility bills or a fine for violating traffic rules, I didn’t renew insurance, etc. - he didn’t, because he didn’t want to, fiddling with papers spoils his nerves.
Solution. It will seem strange, but not to entrust such matters to him. He does not have these responsibilities, and you do not have the stress and unnecessary hassle of a showdown, after which you should be left with guilt.
Does not accept fair accusations
As already mentioned, circumstances are always to blame for this type. Mistakes passive-aggressive people do not recognize and cannot stand criticism. The wife, tired of such an ugly behavior of her faithful, throws these accusations in his face, moving to a raised tone, announced by him - the maximum achieved effect - another skirmish.
Solution. You have to watch your speech. It is clear that in your hearts you blurt out his fair definition to him, that he is stubborn, worthless, irresponsible and bad - all that he has repeatedly heard in childhood and heard enough ... this makes him go into a deaf defense. Less accusations.
Manipulating your partner's feelings
A passive-aggressive husband tries to make his wife feel guilty, and by any means, including low ones, for example, by restricting access to the body. The easiest, stress-free way to get your wife to worry and look for ways to improve relationships.
Solution. Why does he let himself be treated like this? He is such a? Or does something in you give him that opportunity? The fact is that the choice of passive-aggressive men often falls on insecure women who are afraid of being rejected. It is you? Was there a bad experience? So do not give any more opportunity to know the feeling of bitterness again!
This site already has text about , called . This is an important topic today, so I touch on this topic again. Below, an excerpt from the book by T. Vasilets:
“As long as male aggression is for the most part an unconscious force and therefore not one hundred percent directed, it is a hellish cauldron closed with a heavy lid of infantility.
Invisible, hidden aggression is expressed in the absence of an open initiative, in shifting responsibility to others, in indecision, in creating a fog of uncertainty and ambiguity in relationships, in the frequent use of lies and empty apologies.
Passive aggression is a chronic non-fulfilment in time and in substance of contracts and promises, postponing things from day to day, a strange forgetfulness in fulfilling requests. This is ignoring the expectations of others, devaluing the interlocutor, for example, in the form of crossing out his reality - “You are inventing everything”, “You are doing it wrong”, etc., as well as interrupting, avoiding answers to questions, from the topic proposed by the interlocutor.
The passive-aggressive man resorts to these techniques because of the fear of being dependent, the fear of competition and emotional closeness. “As a result, he is often in a bad mood, making himself a victim and blaming you,” — writes Wetzler. In men, in this case, there is a hidden hostility towards women, a denial of responsibility for male social functions and a distortion of real facts for this purpose.
S. Wetzler singles out the question of a man, which is characteristic of passive-aggressive behavior, addressed to his woman: “Why should I do something for you?”. This is the same as: “Why is the man me, and not you? Why should I give you a hand, and not you to me? Why should I take you in my arms at the wedding ceremony, and not you take me? Why should I propose to you and not you to me?
In life, this type of aggression, due to its implicit nature, is not perceived as aggression, it has not yet been exposed by public consciousness. This is not widely discussed yet, as, for example, about the dangers of smoking.
Passive aggression flourishes as a socially tolerant form of behavior. It is widespread and deeply penetrates into all areas of human relations, therefore it is especially toxic and destructive both for business and for any interpersonal contacts.
Problems with a passive-aggressive man arise from his ... indirect and inadequate way of expressing hostility, hidden under the guise of innocence, generosity or passivity (a form of self-deprecation). If what he says or does is incomprehensible to you or rather angers you ... this is passive aggression.
The term itself seems paradoxical, and the question arises: how can a person be both passive and aggressive at the same time, and not just one thing? A passive-aggressive man is not passive today and aggressive tomorrow ... Rather, a passive-aggressive man is both passive and aggressive at the same time. The paradox is that he renounces his aggression when it comes out."
Here are two examples from S. Wetzler's numerous observations of manifestations of passive aggression in men:“…He makes you doubt yourself… “You made a mistake about our meeting. It is written in my diary for tomorrow, not yesterday. That's why I started a diary. Yes, the hour of the day suits me. But maybe I'll have to leave town. Give me a call if you want to have lunch with me in a few days.” How can you not lose your temper!
Wetzler writes: “One woman told me that her husband had painted half the window frames in their bedroom and had been promising to finish the job for two years now. When guests ask why the frames are gray and white, she replies, "The phone rang." For many years she tried to suppress her irritation and disappointment with a sense of humor, but the unfinished work is always in front of her eyes.
Passive aggression is formed in a child accustomed to emotional deprivation, most of whose mental needs were not satisfied. The personality of any person - male or female - contains both male and female properties. Their internal content is heterogeneous - they consist of parts, certain substructures, each of which performs certain functions in the inner world of a person.
The main feature of a passive-aggressive man is his alienation from his own masculinity as a powerful protective force. As an adult, he remains painfully dependent both on his real mother and on the image of the mother that has formed in his personality.
Carrying this maternal image in himself as the only well-functioning defense mechanism, a man looks for the same figure in the women he meets - so he childishly seeks security. Such a man strives for women - "saviors" or "administrators". This dependence leads the passive-aggressive male to dependence on many external objects, including social structures that provide "care".
A healthy male strategy is that a woman should be won in the inevitable natural competition with other men. A passive-aggressive man prefers to be conquered, as he is terrified of rejection, battles and defeats.
He suffers from a painful dependence on the assessments of others, an obsessive need for acceptance on their part, especially on the part of women. At the same time, he seeks to hide this dependence by rejecting and devaluing women. He can also devalue much that is significant to him. Thus, the desire to gain male power, freedom and independence is distorted in the behavior of an immature man.
Problems with a passive-aggressive man arise from his ... indirect and inadequate way of expressing hostility, hidden under the guise of innocence, generosity or passivity (a form of self-deprecation). If what he says or does is incomprehensible to you or rather angers you ... this is passive aggression.
The term itself seems paradoxical, and the question arises: how can a person be both passive and aggressive at the same time, and not just one thing? ... A passive-aggressive man ... is not passive today and aggressive tomorrow ... Rather, a passive-aggressive man is both passive and aggressive at the same time. The paradox is that he renounces his aggression when it comes out."
Any man has a natural natural aggression initially. A passive-aggressive man in this sense has a certain internal “bomb”. And if this “bomb” resides in the area of the unconscious, that is, while male aggression is not realized and its vector is not yet directed towards protection, it, being suppressed (passive) or manifested openly in the form of an explosion, is capable of blindly destroying both the man himself and and the world around him.
A mature man differs from a passive-aggressive one in that he is in contact with his natural male aggression and knows how to use it purposefully to protect the women's and children's worlds, to protect his interests and the interests of those for whom he took responsibility.
Women have no idea what a long and difficult path (a man) has to go from his own, irreplaceable, caring mother and embark on a path of trials that is completely different from the one she has traveled, where it is no longer possible to use either maternal experience or advice. From this point of view, it can be noted that the girl should try to be like her mother, while the boy should learn to be different from her.
Rough male power, being uninitiated, paradoxically, leads men to self-doubt, isolation and alienation from their own feelings. This alienation leads to a loss of contact with the "female part of the personality" - with the world of the Soul, where not only feelings live, but also where the inspiring and healing powers of his "Inner Woman", which are so necessary for any man, are stored. Separated from their Soul, men seek contact with it in numerous contacts with real women.
A man who has grown up in conditions of a lack of male protection and an exaggerated maternal principle has an infantile (immature) masculinity, from which he himself and modern society as a whole suffer. And since many men from childhood get a distorted, surrogate feminine, depressive and suppressed, on the one hand, and on the other, overloaded with the masculine features of their mother, such a man wants to win or destroy rather than protect a woman. The unprotected female part of the male personality includes hypermaternal functions for its protection. He gets stuck at the stage of separation - separation from the parental family.
Such stuckness can take not only the form of depression, alcohol or drug addiction, but also look like neurotic nihilism (negation of any values, norms, rules), or it turns into a frequent change of place of work and residence. This protest may unconsciously be expressed by a man through a series of failed marriages, relentlessly fighting his wives instead of defeating the overwhelming feminine aspect within him.
Insufficiently mature men unconsciously perceive women with hostility and / or caution. It seems to them that having won their recognition from women, they should either separate, free themselves, since a woman is unconsciously perceived primarily as a controlling mother, or outperform them in a competitive struggle, if a woman is unconsciously perceived as a sister.
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Human life without aggression is impossible. Another thing is that some of the forms of aggressive behavior (for example, screaming, assault, etc.) can be frightening, and therefore they are suppressed from childhood, called bad and unacceptable. But few parents tell the child: to experience anger and express it with words, intonation, gestures - you can, but taking a knife from the table and waving it is absolutely not. Usually aggression is suppressed in full, even at the level of experience and awareness. "Calm down! What did you scream for?! Are you crazy?". And there is nothing left but to restrain yourself all the time so as not to feel shame for experiencing anger and irritation in front of a significant adult. Then an adult person has no choice but to look for other ways for the manifestation of separation feelings - those that mark autonomy, the separation of the organism from all others, the presence of its own needs. These other ways, as a rule, the psyche seeks unconsciously. It is unlikely that a person sits and thinks: “sooo, you can’t get angry, you can’t do anything like that, you need to be calm (otherwise everyone around will be unhappy), so I’ll try, for example, to promise something and not do it. And thus show them that I am also a person here! Usually this is all done automatically. No choice. For example, such a covertly aggressive person often likes to be late for meetings. Or tell one some stories about another, knowing that these stories will be unpleasant for him (or her). Or - as I already wrote - promise something and not do it (and explain everything by the circumstances and your own helplessness). Such a person is unlikely to offer any compensation for the damage caused; rather, he will try to blame someone or something third for the situation, but not himself. “Well, you know, it happened…”. After all, he has not regulated a sense of internal responsibility for his life, just as a healthy ability to express aggression has not been regulated - in clear forms, refusals, setting one's own boundaries and respecting the boundaries of another. This function is poorly understood and practically does not work. Messages that mark covert (or passive) aggression: "I'm late, it just happened..." “I promised, but other things appeared, Vanya called and said ... and I had to ...” “If it wasn’t for them, then I…” "You know I can't..." “You must understand that I am a bonded person…” "Next time will be as you wish" “Alright, stop being mad at me.” Intimacy with a Covert Aggressive Person In relations with such a person, there is a great temptation to start controlling him, scolding him, teaching him how to treat people, what is bad and what is good. "Well, look what you've done! How is that possible!”. That is, take a parental role in relation to him. Such a strategy, of course, can help for a while - a fearful disapproval, covertly aggressive person will try to “calm down” a nervous other and temporarily be a “good boy”. But as soon as everything calms down, covert-aggressive manipulations will begin again. And so - in a circle. If you refrain from taking on a parental role, you can act out the reciprocal anger in a mirror way - make “reciprocal setups”, be late for a longer time, promise and not fulfill something, and so on. Compete in every possible way, who will “make” whom more. The crown of such relationships is “sometimes on a horse, then under a horse”, “now you, then you”. Fatigue, exhaustion, constant hunger for closeness, calmness, trusting contact. If you remain in an equal position in relation to such a person, you will have to withstand his hidden aggressive messages and all the time insist on compensation for illegal forms of trespassing. Perhaps this will become a tedious task that will sooner or later get bored (after all, you will have to make a lot of effort to get at least something “edible” in a relationship) and you will want to increase the distance. Interest in interaction will decrease. Psychotherapy of a covert-aggressive client In the process of psychotherapy of a latent-aggressive client, if one has applied, the main task is to restore a healthy function of the manifestation of dental aggression, that is, one that helps to take something or achieve something (“nibble”) in a relationship. The transition from manipulative forms of achieving the desired, to direct, legal forms. “I want this, but I don’t want this. I have the right to do so and do not experience toxic shame or guilt about my own uniqueness.” Such a client needs to learn to reject and endure rejection, not overwhelmed with resentment or guilt, but with confidence and perhaps some sadness or regret. |
If he is physically with you, but not emotionally
His maneuvers
Remember the common myth that real men never show their feelings and do not throw words to the wind. Before the eyes of that hour there are inflexible heroes who were played in the cinema by Robert Reford, Clint Eastwood. It’s easy to fall in love with such a man, as he fits perfectly into the “real man” stereotype. External self-confidence, masculine charm, the ability to keep a distance intrigue and attract women like a magnet.
And you already have butterflies in your stomach. And then you are faced with a terrible discovery: yes, he just has a gift for making you unhappy. From a balanced, cheerful and reasonable being, you turn into a real neurotic who is already beginning to doubt her own sanity. He is able to easily convince you that twice two is not four, but as much as he needs at the moment, and black is white, and that only you yourself are to blame for everything. Why is this happening? Because you met a passive aggressor.
His black and white world
The combination of "passive-aggressive" at first glance may seem somehow strange - it's one of the two. But it turns out that in real life such goodness is enough. The term was coined by American military psychologist Colonel William Menninger during World War II. He began to notice that there are soldiers who show such a reaction to the requirement of military regulations: they ignore orders, withdraw into themselves, desert. He described this reaction as "immature" and called it "passive aggression."
And in a peaceful life a lot men, who behave in exactly the same way: they categorically do not want to do what is expected of them. They do not express an open protest, but a deliberate, carefully disguised resistance devoid of any meaning. Why? Because for such men all life is a struggle for power, and to obey other people's requests, expectations, or, even worse, instructions, is just like death. His black and white world is inhabited only by losers and winners, and there is no room for compromise. On this battlefield, he considers himself the weakest, but does everything in order to achieve a completely opposite attitude towards him. And the best part is, he doesn't even realize it!
Where do legs grow from?
No matter how trite it may be, but straight from childhood, which even for this type was not very happy. Genes are partly to blame for this, but the relationship experience becomes the decisive moment. Maybe the model of such behavior was adopted from his father. It is also possible that he did not have a father, which means that he did not have an example to follow. Perhaps he was overprotected and controlled, or vice versa, he was emotionally forgotten and abandoned by everyone. He found salvation in the fact that he armed himself to the teeth, protected himself from everyone in order to wage his eternal struggle with those who treat him badly, and such as he seems to be in the majority. In fact, he still cannot jump out of his children's pants - a very suspicious, eternally offended child who believes that the world around him will understand and forgive his bad behavior and all sorts of whims like his own mother.
his portrait
In public, his role is that of a nice fellow. He has a variety of statuses. A friend who is alien to any obligations, a spouse who has no problems at all, and he only listens. Colleague - "schemer". Not in one of these cases is it clear to you what he really wants and thinks.
In intimate relationships, this is most dramatic. On the one hand, he yearns for true intimacy and love, like any normal person, on the other hand, he is very afraid of being “defeated” - after all, feelings can make him weak-willed and.
He never initiates any relationship. His tactics are passive rather than active flirting, glances from afar, intriguing poses, jokes thrown in passing, his goal is that you make the first move. Then he can answer, but he will do it in such a way that you get the feeling that this is a gift of fate. However, very soon this relationship will turn into a meaningless and endless struggle.
But this men there is another feature - constancy, just do not confuse this with devotion. He will be with you physically, you will be together if you agree to endure passive aggression. This type of the first will not interrupt your connection, even if it will be painful for him. After all, he is afraid to death of loneliness, that is, he is afraid to be left alone with his anger and hidden fears. Without you, he will be just a man with personality problems. And together with you, he has the opportunity to play with his muscles. Even if he decides to break up with you, then only in one case, if he has a new romance in parallel.
He doesn't do anything!
It is difficult for a woman to navigate the maze of his actions. But the key lies in his projection of his aggressiveness onto other people. And it happens in a very interesting way.
Each of us is characterized by aggressiveness to a greater or lesser extent. Not only to terrorists who take hostages, but to a kid in a sandbox and a saleswoman in a bakery. It is the duty of adults to control their aggression in dealing with people. But passive-aggressive types simply relieve themselves of this duty easily, they simply deny that they are characterized by aggression. He really never shows it openly, you get hidden hostility gradually, drop by drop. And his passivity is generally an iron alibi: he doesn’t do anything like that! On the contrary, he avoids conflicts in every possible way and never starts first.
He passes his anger through you - like through a screen. How? Everything ingenious is simple. Imagine that he walks gloomy, ready to remain silent for hours, won’t say a word all day, but with his whole appearance shows “I’m angry and only you are to blame!” You do not think so and want to understand everything. You ask questions. But you don’t get answers, but sincere surprise (is there something wrong? What are you talking about?), Or, even worse, ignoring. Word for word and you are already boiling. This is how his hidden aggression spreads to you: look, it’s you who are dissatisfied with something, find fault, provoke a quarrel, ask a bunch of questions! This is a brilliant maneuver of passive-aggressive behavior - focusing not on the action itself, but on your reaction, which in this way is not put in the best light.
And so, over and over again, all your attempts to find out the reasons are shattered, from a feeling of helplessness, anger and guilt begin to accumulate in you. You find yourself in a vicious circle of emotions that support his sense of power.
What is behind this
Solid fear is the key. But there are many and they are all different.
Fear of Addiction
It is as strong as the fear of being alone. Man wanders in a vicious circle: he is afraid to be alone, therefore he is looking for relationships, and when he finds them, he is terribly afraid, since this is an encroachment on his freedom. And so the alienation begins.
fear of intimacy
Intimacy requires tenderness, sensuality, passionate and generous gestures, i.e. everything that man with a passive-aggressive nature is not able to give. For him, intimacy is a colossal stress. But his emotional closeness causes no less stress. Because of this, no one in this pair can be satisfied and happy.
