Where passive aggression comes from and what to do about it. The behavior of a man capable of aggression

Aggression is a common phenomenon among people. This psychological phenomenon is considered a deviation from the norm and refers to a motivational-destructive type of behavior. Aggressive behavior can occur in absolutely any healthy person, however, there are a number of psychiatric diseases and disorders that can include an aggressive type of behavior in their clinical picture. This article will focus on such a disease as passive aggressive personality disorder, which is quite common in psychiatric practice.

As a result of these forms of mild mental disorders, which are not given due attention, there is such a colossal divorce rate. Attempts to get rid of the disorder on their own in most cases fail and lead only to an aggravation of the disorder.

Passive aggressive personality disorder is a type of mental disorder in which a sick person experiences constant discomfort from communicating with people, such a person clearly has aggressive character traits and a negative attitude towards surrounding people and events. Such behavior leads to maladjustment of the patient in society and a significant deterioration in the quality of communication with other people. The loss of the ability to adapt to the conditions of the social environment around the patient leads to increased isolation and causes depression. It is depression that plays a key role along with an aggressive type of behavior in the formation of passive aggressive personality disorder.

Passive aggressive personality disorder refers to mild forms of mental disorder and requires corrective psychotherapy.

Based on the statistics of the incidence of passive-aggressive personality disorder, we can say that the disease is almost 3 times more likely to form in males. Such results of statistical data have a close relationship with the causes of the formation of this disorder.

Causes

The etiological factor in the formation of passive-aggressive personality disorder is a number of factors, both external and internal psychological environment of a person. We will talk about men, since it is they who most often have this type of mental disorder. The disease in most cases is multifactorial and occurs under the complex influence of factors, which include:

• Frequent failures at work and difficulties in career growth. The inability to realize oneself and one's own ambitions causes an increase in basal tension in men. At first, it may go unnoticed, but there is an accumulation of stress and an increase in latent aggression, while the man does not have the opportunity to literally throw out the accumulated negative emotions to his superiors or management, which leads to isolation.
• Family discord is another important factor in the formation of passive aggressive personality disorder. Along with problems of a professional nature, family problems also lead to the accumulation of stress and a decrease in the mental resistance of a man.
• Catastrophes, losses and other powerful psycho-emotional external influences. Any person can be broken by the loss of someone or something close and dear, all this can lead to the formation of hidden motivational aggression.

All these factors and many others lead to the formation of a persistent mental health disorder, which only aggravates the social isolation of a sick man, in which case he is characterized as a passive aggressor. You can often hear from women that the husband drinks every day and becomes aggressive - this is a typical defensive reaction that occurs in response to accumulated stress.

Clinical manifestations

Passive aggressive disorder in men forms a number of characteristic signs and symptoms, which can be used to judge not only a specific disease, but also the severity of a mental disorder. With this disease, a man develops a complex of symptoms and behavioral patterns, which include:

• Decreased communication skills;
• Subdepressive state;
• Failure to fulfill the set tasks and goals;
• Actions of a violent nature in relation to weaker persons;
• Propensity to drink alcohol;
• Lethargy.

The passive aggressor in the face of a man can be of several subspecies. The following psychotypes are distinguished:

despotic type

This type of passive-aggressive disorder consists in the fact that a family man becomes overly aggressive, and at work such properties of his character do not appear. Coming home, a despotic type of man can engage in assault for absolutely no reason. At the beginning of such a disorder, women simply note that the husband has become aggressive, but over time, he begins to use physical force, which brings marriage relationships to scandals and even divorces.

Pessimistic type

This type of aggressor is formed as a result of systematic personal failures. Almost all patients with this subtype suffer from insufficient self-esteem and experience discomfort in communicating even with close people. Any stress received from strangers, the pessimistic type compensates for aggression towards the household. This type is often prone to drunkenness and binges, at the time of which it is most dangerous for relatives and others.

Rebellious type

The least dangerous type of passive aggressive disorder and is manifested by rare outbursts of aggression. It belongs to the least pronounced mental disorders and borders on character accentuation. This type of man is common and is dangerous only in cases of intoxication.

Proper Behavior

It is very important to behave properly when in contact with a man who suffers from this mental disorder. So how to behave with an aggressive husband, so as not only not to aggravate the current situation, but also to help him?

Regardless of the type of passive aggressive disorder, all of the following methods will be effective in building communication with aggressive men.

1. You shouldn't give in to a man like that. Yes, it is difficult, but do not forget that in case of an overabundance of stress, the weak side will take the hit. The main mistake of many women is the formation of such a habit during the initial building of family relationships. Do not try to dominate, it is best to stick to the middle ground and not let slips in your direction silently.
2. Try to understand and support your husband, but without too much fanaticism. Excessive attention to a person who is closed and is in constant stress will not give him strength. Try to keep abreast of all the events taking place in his life, but do not be zealous with instructions and constant advice.
3. Invite your soulmate to do physical education or any other physical activity. No wonder psychologists say that physical activity helps to relieve even serious stress, which will allow the husband to unload and maintain mental balance in a difficult life period.

In case of intoxication

The situation is quite different when a person with passive aggressive personality disorder is intoxicated. In this case, the tactics will be different. In no case should you enter into conflict with such a person, but running away is also not recommended, as this step can aggravate aggression in your direction. The best way is to isolate such a person from contact with acquaintances and try to take measures to remove alcoholic beverages from the eyes of such a person. Do not swear at him, and also take to heart the attacks on his part.

Therapeutic measures

Passive aggressive disorder is a mild mental illness, which means that it is extremely difficult to cope with it on your own, especially in advanced forms. To correct such disorders, it is necessary to use an integrated approach, which consists in conducting course psychotherapy and the use of weak sedatives and sedatives. Separately, it should be said that alcohol addiction must also be overcome, since it will not allow you to fully get rid of passive-aggressive disorder.

For the purpose of pharmacotherapy, you can use a variety of sedative herbal preparations, such as Motherwort herb or analogues, but you should not lean on drugs. The main link in therapy is consistent psychoanalysis. The psychoanalyst will help to understand the essence of the problem and the main reason that influenced the decompensation of protective psychological barriers.

In most cases, going through a treatment course with a psychoanalyst or psychologist, as well as learning soothing techniques, will help overcome anger, excessive aggressiveness, pessimism and isolation.

If a spouse shows signs of depression, aggression and a tendency to drink alcohol, you should not delay contacting a psychologist or psychoanalyst. Only a timely solution to the problem will allow you to quickly and effectively overcome stress and cope with a difficult life period. Don't leave your loved one alone with the disorder, but don't let your spouse's passive aggressive symptoms form and progress.

Remember the myth: real men do not throw words into the wind and do not show feelings. The inflexible movie heroes of Clint Eastwood and Robert Redford immediately stand before my eyes. Falling in love with such an easy man - he wonderfully fits into the cliché "real man." Masculine charm and external self-confidence, combined with the ability to keep a distance, intrigue and attract women like a magnet.

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Photo gallery: Aggression as one of the types of conflictogens

And the butterfly has already fluttered in your stomach. And then you make a terrible discovery: he has a savage gift for making you unhappy. From a reasonable, cheerful and balanced being, you turn into a neurasthenic who doubts her own sanity. He is able to convince you that white is black, and twice two is not four at all, but as much as he needs at the moment. That in all situations you are to blame. Why is this happening? Because you're facing a passive aggressor. Aggressiveness as one of the types of conflictogens is often encountered.

His black and white world

At first glance, the combination "passive-aggressive" seems strange - it's either one or the other. But in real life, such goodness, it turns out, is enough. The term itself was coined during World War II by American military psychologist Colonel William Menninger. He noticed that there are soldiers who react to the requirements of military regulations in the following way: they withdraw into themselves, ignore orders and desert. He called this reaction "passive aggression" and described it as "immature". But even in civilian life there are a lot of men who act in exactly the same way: they categorically refuse to do what is expected of them. No, not protesting openly, but showing well-disguised and devoid of any common sense resistance. Why? Yes, because all life for such a man is a struggle for power, and "submission" to other people's expectations, requests or, God forbid, instructions is like death for him. His black and white world is inhabited only by winners and losers, and no compromise is possible. And he feels himself the weakest on this battlefield - however, he does everything to achieve the opposite attitude towards himself. And the most interesting thing is that he does not even realize all this!

Where do legs grow from?

Trite - but from the childhood that our type had was not very happy. Genes are partly to blame, but relationship experience plays a decisive role. Perhaps he adopted the model of such behavior in finished form from his father. It is possible that he did not have a father as a role model at all. Either he was emotionally abandoned and forgotten by everyone, or, on the contrary, he was followed, he was patronized and controlled. He found salvation in isolating himself from everyone and arming himself to the teeth for an eternal struggle - with those who treat him badly, and such, he is sure, are almost everyone around. In fact, he still cannot jump out of their children's pants - he behaves like a suspicious, eternally offended teenager who expects the whole world, like a mother, to understand him and forgive him for any whims and bad behavior.

his portrait

In public, he plays nice guy. His status is very different. A friend who abhors all obligations. A spouse who only listens, as if he took water in his mouth, and who has no problems at all. A scheming colleague who regularly "forgets" to give you important information. In none of these cases is it clear to you what he really thinks and wants. Most dramatic of all, this affects close relationships. On the one hand, like any person, he yearns for true love and intimacy. On the other hand, he is afraid of being “defeated” more than anything in the world - after all, feelings will make him “addicted” to someone. He is not one of those who initiates relationships. His tactics - not active, but passive flirting, an intriguing pose, glances from afar, a joke thrown in passing - and the expectation that you will make the first move - that's his goal. Then he will answer and make you feel that you have received a gift of fate. But relations with him will soon turn into a continuous and senseless struggle. However, he also has another trait - constancy (not to be confused with devotion). Physically, he will be with you and if you are willing to pay for passive aggression, you will be together. This type will not be the first to interrupt your connection, even if it becomes painful for him. After all, he is mortally afraid of loneliness - that is, a situation where he will be left alone with his hidden fears and anger. Without you, he's just a man with personality problems. Together with you, he can flex his muscles. If he decides to break up with you, then in one case - when in parallel he starts a new romance.

He doesn't do anything!

It is difficult to navigate in the labyrinth of his actions. But there is a key - in the projection of his own aggression on other people. And it happens in an interesting way. Everyone is more or less aggressive. Not only to the terrorist who hijacks the plane, but also to the aunt in the pharmacy, and the kid in the sandbox. The duty of an adult is to be able to control this aggression in relations with people. And you will need to apologize if someone has suffered from you. But the passive-aggressive type releases itself from this duty in a very simple way: by categorically denying that aggression is characteristic of it. He really does not show it openly - you will receive this hidden hostility drop by drop, gradually. And his passivity is generally an iron alibi: he doesn’t do anything like that! He never starts conflicts, on the contrary - he avoids them in every possible way. He passes his anger through you - like through a screen. How? It's simple, like all genius. Suppose he walks sullen. He is ready to be silent for hours, he has not said a word all day, but his whole appearance says - “I am angry, and you are to blame!” You don't think so and want to understand. You ask a question. But you get not an answer, but amazement (what? Is something wrong? what are you talking about?), excuses, or, even worse, complete disregard. You feel offended, and he also laughs at you. Word for word - and you are already boiling. So his latent aggressiveness extends to you: look, it’s you yourself who is dissatisfied with something, asking unpleasant questions, finding fault, starting a squabble! Here it is, a brilliant maneuver of the passive-aggressive type - to concentrate not on the action itself, but on your reaction, while presenting it in the most unfavorable light. Once, twice, again and again ... And when all your attempts to find out the causes of tension fail, anger accumulates in you from a feeling of helplessness - and along with it, a sense of guilt. You find yourself drawn into a vicious circle of emotions that feed his sense of power.

What is hiding behind it

The key word is fear. But there are many and they are all different.

• Fear of Addiction

It is as great as the fear of being alone. A man walks in a vicious circle: the fear of being alone makes him look for relationships - but, having found them, he begins to be afraid of them in a panic, because this is an attack on his independence. This is how alienation begins.

• fear of intimacy

Intimacy requires sensuality, tenderness, generous and passionate gestures - all that a passive-aggressive man is not able to give. For him, intimacy is a colossal stress. But his emotional closeness causes no less stress: because of it, no one in a couple can be happy and satisfied.

10 ways he can drive you crazy

• Turns the situation upside down

He learned to masterfully offend you - while trying to get you to apologize. And in the role of a victim, it is convenient for him to act himself.

• brakes

He always comes at the last minute or is late. The problem is dealt with only when it is already against the wall: for example, the electricity bill will be paid when the notice of the shutdown has arrived. Typical situation. You patiently ask him for something important several times. The first time he promises to do it, the second time he is surprised that he forgot, the third time he transfers it to “somehow later”, the fourth time he is indignant that you load him with all sorts of nonsense. As a result, you do everything yourself - and he is still hurt: with your behavior you humiliate him.

• Creates chaos

He prefers to assemble a puzzle of a million pieces and always gives up halfway through. He takes on work that he cannot complete. He makes ambitious plans, but soon loses interest in them. His past is a gallery of unfinished projects.

• Everything “forgets” what is important to you: your promises, your requests, birthdays and wedding anniversaries. It is senseless to be offended - this is his privilege.
• Everything denies

Denial is his middle name. He denies that he is angry, that you have any reason to feel hurt. Any problems and his guilt - he redirects all this to you, to someone else, or to a combination of circumstances.

• Demonstrates sarcasm

This is his preferred communication style and weapon in conflict resolution. If it offends you, then you just "have no sense of humor."

• Refuses to speak clearly

His game is “yes and no, do not speak, do not wear black, do not wear white”: you will never understand what he thinks and feels. He wants you to guess what he needs. This desire is as strong as not wanting you to guess it. When you are completely confused and confused, he is on horseback.

• Contradictory signals

He can say with an impenetrable face - "I love you", and immediately behave as if you are nobody to him. It seems that he is involved in a relationship, but quite formally. You live with his profile and do not see the interested face turned to you.

• Acts like he's alone

For him, the word “we” is very rare, he is used to informing you about the decisions he made alone, although they concern two.

• Waging an endless fight

You may be surprised or annoyed, but the conversation, which pizza to order or which movie to watch in the evening, will not be about pizza and not about the movie, but about power: accepting your opinion on even the most insignificant issue for him is the same as recognizing your superiority.

• Fear of neglect

There is still a child in him who was once pushed away - and he no longer wants to experience this.

• Fear of emotions

He is terribly afraid of not only his own, but also your emotions - human feelings in general, in his understanding - this is a weakness. Haven't you noticed that he always has urgent business at the moment when you need emotional support?

• Fear of other people's expectations - that he be unsurpassed in bed, earn a lot of money, make a brilliant career, etc. By and large, there is nothing to expect from him: he himself will tell you so - and he himself will respond to this with aggression.
• Fear of competition and failure

Despite the fact that outwardly he may give the impression of a confident man, these fears accompany him at every step.

Love is like a battlefield

His main drama is that any relationship, even love, becomes an arena for him to fight. And the main thing for him is that he emerges victorious from any fight. But the world is designed in such a way that if we want to satisfy our emotional and physical needs, we have to create and maintain strong bonds with those we love. And such a connection is always interdependence. It would not even occur to a person with an adequate attitude to play a drama here - on the contrary, he will appreciate the bonuses: intimacy, emotional closeness, warmth, mutual assistance. But not the passive-aggressive type. Having started a relationship, he will immediately put pressure on you: just don’t imagine that you have some kind of power over me! Literally in every action he sees an attempt to "master" him. Resistant and does not do what you expect from him: does not propose a hand and heart, does not give flowers, does not give compliments, does not congratulate on a successful project or promotion, does not explain the reasons for his bad mood - and never apologizes for anything . Passive aggression is a relationship gravedigger. These are unanswered questions, unfulfilled desires, uncertainty, stress and a feeling of loneliness. You want to feel solid ground under your feet, and he leads you into a swamp. You want live, warm emotions, attention, interest, tenderness. But in return you get indignation and indignation - “Am I giving you little?! Have you read women's novels? Don't you know how busy I am, I'm exhausted so that you live in abundance! The result is even greater alienation. And you get into the loop of your own empathy - "maybe I really offended him ...".

His conflict resolution strategy

When people argue, they expect to receive an adequate response from their counterpart - and in the end the conflict will be resolved. But an open, honest argument is not part of the passive aggressor's behavioral repertoire. Here is something else: avoiding the topic, obfuscating the traces, sarcasm, attacks. To all your attempts to solve the problem, he either does not react at all, or makes fun of you, moving away from the essence of the issue. So he provokes your anger, breaking dishes and tears. And now the goal is achieved - he introduced you to the role of an evil harpy. In this conflict, he can behave from a position of power or simply get bored, and, most likely, at some point he will pretend that nothing happened at all - he will also be surprised why you are not in the mood. A sign that the world has been restored will be some significant (but not direct!) gesture: a bar of your favorite dark chocolate on the table or a disk that you dreamed about (he remembers everything - when it suits him), a washed car or a repaired tap (after three weeks of begging). And you will melt - after all, he is good!

Your serious risks

You can fall under the hypnosis of his passive aggression - and doubts will settle in you. And now your roles have already been divided: he is restrained and balanced (positive hero), you are nervous and unrestrained (negative heroine). Don't believe it! Most often, women, having tried all the methods during a long relationship, begin to defend themselves, copying the behavior model of a passive aggressor - silence, external indifference, sarcasm. Believe me, this method only deepens the problem. In addition, it is fraught with difficulties in future relationships if you still decide to leave. We must learn to separate our problems from his and not look for our fault where there is none.

Change the rules of the game

With maniacal persistence, he does not want to sort things out. It is impossible to force him to speak, to silently accept his behavior - too. What to do? In fact, this type is a client for a psychotherapist, and the most effective help for him (and for you) is to accomplish a feat and drag him to a specialist. But you yourself can do a lot - especially if you love him.

Three risk groups

This type can catch anyone in his nets. However, there are three types of women who are more likely to be there.

• Manager

This woman always knows what is best (and by and large she is), and fundamentally does not accept the answer "no". She believes in her ability to arrange a love life so well that he, in the end, capitulates: he throws his armor at her feet, he himself collapses there and admits that without her - nowhere. And they will live happily ever after. It seems tempting for a man to take advantage of the comfort that a rational and intelligent manager will create - this will satisfy his passive essence. But at the same time it will increase the feeling of dependence and underestimation. And with them - and hidden for the time being anger. He also will not forgive if a woman is more successful than him (higher position, more earnings). Also, instead of the required love and admiration, the manager will offer him (in disguise) control and guardianship and will behave like a domineering mother - and what is sex with a mother?

• Victim

A tidbit for a passive aggressor, because with a victim he enjoys his power to the fullest. Usually this is a sensitive, soft and insecure woman who, perhaps, is as afraid of emotionally revealing herself as he is. It is likely that he is not the first passive aggressor in her life, her father, brother, first husband or friend could have been the same. She keeps deep feelings for this type of men, hoping that someday one of them will appreciate it and change - although deep feelings and other people's expectations give rise to nothing but panic in such a man. And the more emotional the victim, the more sadistic he opposes her in order to demonstrate his “independence”. The victim clings to the fact that she "has" him. He is torn between the high of his power and deadly boredom. His aggression needs dangerous games.

• Savior

Don't feed her bread, let someone save her. She immediately perceives a passive-aggressive man as a helpless, slow-witted creature who needs her shoulder. She justifies him (“he’s actually not bad”), makes sure that he looks good in the eyes of others (“he really didn’t want anything like that”), covers up his oddities (“well, that’s how he is!”). A man gives himself to such care, because it feeds his passivity, until one day he begins to see clearly and understands that all this is not sacrifice. Both the manager and the savior look at such a man from the position of the owner and overseer.

• Move the border. It is important that you do this not in an emotional outburst, but calmly and firmly. Be clear: the old rules of the game no longer suit you.
• Voice the new rules: say what in the future he can do with you and what not. Be clear about what you want from him. Be prepared that he will test you, breaking the rules again and again, so you can enter into the most difficult struggle - both with him and with yourself. If he goes to the world and it again softens you - the game is lost. Don't back down.
• Contrast his behavior with your feelings that it causes, according to the formula: if you act like this, then I feel this - and I have such reasons to feel this way. Speak calmly and tactfully - if you are afraid that in a conversation he will again manage to piss you off, write a letter that he will read when he is alone.
• Clearly point out his indecisiveness and broken promises. Don't accept the blame he's trying to place on you.
• Stop taking responsibility - let him do it. Even if you know how to achieve results faster and more successfully, give him the freedom to make mistakes, draw conclusions, and finally become an adult.
• Do you usually take the first step towards reconciliation? Do no more - make a cute face, let him know that you are ready for reconciliation, and do not dare to apologize instead of him.
• No matter how angry you are, never criticize him as a person - only his actions. Behavior can be changed, character cannot. Make sure that despite the fact that his behavior infuriates you, you still love him, appreciate his good qualities and value your relationship.

This site already has text about , called . This is an important topic today, so I touch on this topic again. Below, an excerpt from the book by T. Vasilets:

“As long as male aggression is for the most part an unconscious force and therefore not one hundred percent directed, it is a hellish cauldron closed with a heavy lid of infantility.

Invisible, hidden aggression is expressed in the absence of an open initiative, in shifting responsibility to others, in indecision, in creating a fog of uncertainty and ambiguity in relationships, in the frequent use of lies and empty apologies.

Passive aggression is a chronic non-fulfilment in time and in substance of contracts and promises, postponing things from day to day, a strange forgetfulness in fulfilling requests. This is ignoring the expectations of others, devaluing the interlocutor, for example, in the form of crossing out his reality - “You are inventing everything”, “You are doing it wrong”, etc., as well as interrupting, avoiding answers to questions, from the topic proposed by the interlocutor.

The passive-aggressive man resorts to these techniques because of the fear of being dependent, the fear of competition and emotional closeness. “As a result, he is often in a bad mood, making himself a victim and blaming you,” — writes Wetzler. In men, in this case, there is a hidden hostility towards women, a denial of responsibility for male social functions and a distortion of real facts for this purpose.

S. Wetzler singles out the question of a man, which is characteristic of passive-aggressive behavior, addressed to his woman: “Why should I do something for you?”. This is the same as: “Why is the man me, and not you? Why should I give you a hand, and not you to me? Why should I take you in my arms at the wedding ceremony, and not you take me? Why should I propose to you and not you to me?

In life, this type of aggression, due to its implicit nature, is not perceived as aggression, it has not yet been exposed by public consciousness. This is not widely discussed yet, as, for example, about the dangers of smoking.

Passive aggression flourishes as a socially tolerant form of behavior. It is widespread and deeply penetrates into all areas of human relations, therefore it is especially toxic and destructive both for business and for any interpersonal contacts.

Problems with a passive-aggressive man arise from his ... indirect and inadequate way of expressing hostility, hidden under the guise of innocence, generosity or passivity (a form of self-deprecation). If what he says or does is incomprehensible to you or rather angers you ... this is passive aggression.

The term itself seems paradoxical, and the question arises: how can a person be both passive and aggressive at the same time, and not just one thing? A passive-aggressive man is not passive today and aggressive tomorrow ... Rather, a passive-aggressive man is both passive and aggressive at the same time. The paradox is that he renounces his aggression when it comes out."

Here are two examples from S. Wetzler's numerous observations of manifestations of passive aggression in men:“…He makes you doubt yourself… “You made a mistake about our meeting. It is written in my diary for tomorrow, not yesterday. That's why I started a diary. Yes, the hour of the day suits me. But maybe I'll have to leave town. Give me a call if you want to have lunch with me in a few days.” How can you not lose your temper!

Wetzler writes: “One woman told me that her husband had painted half the window frames in their bedroom and had been promising to finish the job for two years now. When guests ask why the frames are gray and white, she replies, "The phone rang." For many years she tried to suppress her irritation and disappointment with a sense of humor, but the unfinished work is always in front of her eyes.

Passive aggression is formed in a child accustomed to emotional deprivation, most of whose mental needs were not satisfied. The personality of any person - male or female - contains both male and female properties. Their internal content is heterogeneous - they consist of parts, certain substructures, each of which performs certain functions in the inner world of a person.

The main feature of a passive-aggressive man is his alienation from his own masculinity as a powerful protective force. As an adult, he remains painfully dependent both on his real mother and on the image of the mother that has formed in his personality.

Carrying this maternal image in himself as the only well-functioning defense mechanism, a man looks for the same figure in the women he meets - so he childishly seeks security. Such a man strives for women - "saviors" or "administrators". This dependence leads the passive-aggressive male to dependence on many external objects, including social structures that provide "care".

A healthy male strategy is that a woman should be won in the inevitable natural competition with other men. A passive-aggressive man prefers to be conquered, as he is terrified of rejection, battles and defeats.

He suffers from a painful dependence on the assessments of others, an obsessive need for acceptance on their part, especially on the part of women. At the same time, he seeks to hide this dependence by rejecting and devaluing women. He can also devalue much that is significant to him. Thus, the desire to gain male power, freedom and independence is distorted in the behavior of an immature man.

Problems with a passive-aggressive man arise from his ... indirect and inadequate way of expressing hostility, hidden under the guise of innocence, generosity or passivity (a form of self-deprecation). If what he says or does is incomprehensible to you or rather angers you ... this is passive aggression.

The term itself seems paradoxical, and the question arises: how can a person be both passive and aggressive at the same time, and not just one thing? ... A passive-aggressive man ... is not passive today and aggressive tomorrow ... Rather, a passive-aggressive man is both passive and aggressive at the same time. The paradox is that he renounces his aggression when it comes out."

Any man has a natural natural aggression initially. A passive-aggressive man in this sense has a certain internal “bomb”. And if this “bomb” resides in the area of ​​the unconscious, that is, while male aggression is not realized and its vector is not yet directed towards protection, it, being suppressed (passive) or manifested openly in the form of an explosion, is capable of blindly destroying both the man himself and and the world around him.

A mature man differs from a passive-aggressive one in that he is in contact with his natural male aggression and knows how to use it purposefully to protect the women's and children's worlds, to protect his interests and the interests of those for whom he took responsibility.

Women have no idea what a long and difficult path (a man) has to go from his own, irreplaceable, caring mother and embark on a path of trials that is completely different from the one she has traveled, where it is no longer possible to use either maternal experience or advice. From this point of view, it can be noted that the girl should try to be like her mother, while the boy should learn to be different from her.

Rough male power, being uninitiated, paradoxically, leads men to self-doubt, isolation and alienation from their own feelings. This alienation leads to a loss of contact with the "female part of the personality" - with the world of the Soul, where not only feelings live, but also where the inspiring and healing powers of his "Inner Woman", which are so necessary for any man, are stored. Separated from their Soul, men seek contact with it in numerous contacts with real women.

A man who has grown up in conditions of a lack of male protection and an exaggerated maternal principle has an infantile (immature) masculinity, from which he himself and modern society as a whole suffer. And since many men from childhood get a distorted, surrogate feminine, depressive and suppressed, on the one hand, and on the other, overloaded with the masculine features of their mother, such a man wants to win or destroy rather than protect a woman. The unprotected female part of the male personality includes hypermaternal functions for its protection. He gets stuck at the stage of separation - separation from the parental family.

Such stuckness can take not only the form of depression, alcohol or drug addiction, but also look like neurotic nihilism (negation of any values, norms, rules), or it turns into a frequent change of place of work and residence. This protest may unconsciously be expressed by a man through a series of failed marriages, relentlessly fighting his wives instead of defeating the overwhelming feminine aspect within him.

Insufficiently mature men unconsciously perceive women with hostility and / or caution. It seems to them that having won their recognition from women, they should either separate, free themselves, since a woman is unconsciously perceived primarily as a controlling mother, or outperform them in a competitive struggle, if a woman is unconsciously perceived as a sister.

Human life without aggression is impossible. Another thing is that some of the forms of aggressive behavior (for example, screaming, assault, etc.) can be frightening, and therefore they are suppressed from childhood, called bad and unacceptable. But few parents tell the child: to experience anger and express it with words, intonation, gestures - you can, but taking a knife from the table and waving it is absolutely not. Usually aggression is suppressed in full, even at the level of experience and awareness. "Calm down! What did you scream for?! Are you crazy?". And there is nothing left but to restrain yourself all the time so as not to feel shame for experiencing anger and irritation in front of a significant adult. Then an adult person has no choice but to look for other ways for the manifestation of separation feelings - those that mark autonomy, the separation of the organism from all others, the presence of its own needs. These other ways, as a rule, the psyche seeks unconsciously. It is unlikely that a person sits and thinks: “sooo, you can’t get angry, you can’t do anything like that, you need to be calm (otherwise everyone around will be unhappy), so I’ll try, for example, to promise something and not do it. And thus show them that I am also a person here! Usually this is all done automatically. No choice. For example, such a covertly aggressive person often likes to be late for meetings. Or tell one some stories about another, knowing that these stories will be unpleasant for him (or her). Or - as I already wrote - promise something and not do it (and explain everything by the circumstances and your own helplessness). Such a person is unlikely to offer any compensation for the damage caused; rather, he will try to blame someone or something third for the situation, but not himself. “Well, you know, it happened…”. After all, he has not regulated a sense of internal responsibility for his life, just as a healthy ability to express aggression has not been regulated - in clear forms, refusals, setting one's own boundaries and respecting the boundaries of another. This function is poorly understood and practically does not work. Messages that mark covert (or passive) aggression: "I'm late, it just happened..." “I promised, but other things appeared, Vanya called and said ... and I had to ...” “If it wasn’t for them, then I…” "You know I can't..." “You must understand that I am a bonded person…” "Next time will be as you wish" “Alright, stop being mad at me.” Intimacy with a Covert Aggressive Person In relations with such a person, there is a great temptation to start controlling him, scolding him, teaching him how to treat people, what is bad and what is good. "Well, look what you've done! How is that possible!”. That is, take a parental role in relation to him. Such a strategy, of course, can help for a while - a fearful disapproval, covertly aggressive person will try to “calm down” a nervous other and temporarily be a “good boy”. But as soon as everything calms down, covert-aggressive manipulations will begin again. And so - in a circle. If you refrain from taking on a parental role, you can act out the reciprocal anger in a mirror way - make “reciprocal setups”, be late for a longer time, promise and not fulfill something, and so on. Compete in every possible way, who will “make” whom more. The crown of such relationships is “sometimes on a horse, then under a horse”, “now you, then you”. Fatigue, exhaustion, constant hunger for closeness, calmness, trusting contact. If you remain in an equal position in relation to such a person, you will have to withstand his hidden aggressive messages and all the time insist on compensation for illegal forms of trespassing. Perhaps this will become a tedious task that will sooner or later get bored (after all, you will have to make a lot of effort to get at least something “edible” in a relationship) and you will want to increase the distance. Interest in interaction will decrease. Psychotherapy of a covert-aggressive client In the process of psychotherapy of a latent-aggressive client, if one has applied, the main task is to restore a healthy function of the manifestation of dental aggression, that is, one that helps to take something or achieve something (“nibble”) in a relationship. The transition from manipulative forms of achieving the desired, to direct, legal forms. “I want this, but I don’t want this. I have the right to do so and do not experience toxic shame or guilt about my own uniqueness.” Such a client needs to learn to reject and endure rejection, not overwhelmed with resentment or guilt, but with confidence and perhaps some sadness or regret.

The content of the article:

Passive aggression is the silent resistance to the speech (beliefs, actions) of your opponent, when they are not going to engage in open angry polemics with him. A person subjected to such mental pressure remains “on his mind” with his own opinion, even if it is wrong. Such passive-aggressive behavior is considered a mental disorder, inherent in persons who cannot openly resist the judgment of others, are constantly irritated and look for faults in other people.

What is a passive aggressor?

Passive aggression occurs in individuals with a weak nervous system who indifferently meet life's adversities, without even trying to somehow minimize their negative impact. Such people are restless and indecisive, they question everything, they are cautious on every occasion. For example, they can silently nod their heads, as if approving their opponent, but at the same time think, they say, “shove, broke Emel, and we'll see what happens.”

Unwillingness to solve their problems makes a person passive, trying not to run into a conflict even when it is inevitable. Such people follow the path of least resistance, preferring not to do anything, but to look from the outside and condemn the actions of, say, the authorities, having their own “special” opinion on everything. Such are vulnerable to external influence, which makes it possible to manipulate their consciousness and behavior.

The unwillingness to openly confront someone else's opinion causes dissatisfaction with oneself, but a person cannot do anything about it. He withdraws into himself and is very worried, becomes a grump, considers everyone around him bad, deceitful and selfish. Such people can be identified by eternal discontent, constant negative assessments of others, attempts to oppose their "passive" views to a different opinion.

It is important to know! A passive aggressor sees everyone in a black light, his people are bad, you should not trust them.

The main causes of passive aggression

The psychology of passive aggression is a little-studied phenomenon, but psychologists have found that the passive-aggressive style of behavior is less pronounced in women. In men it occurs 2 times more often.

Common Causes of Passive Aggression

Such manners are manifested in dependent people who are afraid to openly express their opinions for fear of being punished. In interpersonal relationships, they feel humiliated, they are oppressed by a sense of guilt.

Let's consider all these factors in more detail. These should include:

• Passivity. When, due to the weakness of their character, they evade decisive action, even to their own detriment. I don’t want to be active, it’s better to let it be. Such a person is easy to manipulate, although he may not agree with another point of view, but will not openly criticize it. The main thing is your own calmness, and therefore it is better to silently “serve” any objectionable opinion.
• indecisiveness. It is associated with low self-esteem, the inability to independently solve their problems. A person is afraid to express his judgment, because he considers it immature, frivolous. If he offers his point of view, they will laugh at him. Such "downtroddenness" of oneself leads to a tacit agreement with the imposed view. In the soul there is a silent "aggression" to the opposite opinion.
• Anxiety. Too suspicious in constant anxiety that everything is going wrong in life. This leads to depression. Anxious-depressive individuals fall into apathy when there is no strength to resist. In this state, they can agree to an opinion that runs counter to their own. If only they were left behind. Although a silent resistance arises in the soul against the one who “sticks” with his judgment.
• Desire to look good in the eyes of others. It is characteristic of people who are indecisive. It is associated with a weakness of character, when one's judgment is hidden deep inside the soul. I will do as you say, as long as they say good things about me. Such conformism often hides passive aggression, anger does not come out so that others do not think badly about the person.
• credulity. When the tendency to trust borders on the naivete of a child. A person does not even think about what can happen to him if he agrees with someone else's opinion, which is sharply different from his own. He simply believes in his word, and this leads to the manipulation of his consciousness.
• Fear of negative experiences. I do not agree with another opinion, but if I speak against it, I will get a bunch of negative emotions. Why should they? It is better to silently accept a different judgment, but on occasion always have your own “special” point of view. A kind of silently aggressive, irritable personality.
• Psychological addiction. A person is dependent, for example, on his employer. He "presses", imposes his point of view, although it is completely unacceptable, but you need to agree with it, otherwise you can lose your job. So a person becomes in the "pose" of a silent aggressor.
• Vague self-awareness. When everything around is perceived as devoid of clarity, alienated. With such a perception, a different opinion is perceived uncritically, although it may differ sharply from one's own.
• Love for pleasure. A person has his own position, but the craving for pleasure makes him restrain in his judgments, as this can affect his image. In such cases, he will confine himself to "cautious aggression", silently or secretly condemning people who impose their point of view on him.
• Impressionability. Often combined with suspiciousness and gullibility. Overly impressionable quite often sacrifice their opinion to another. Realizing that they did wrong, they get annoyed, but hide their anger behind passive aggression - harsh words against the person who imposed their position on them.
• Greed. Too greedy cover up their disagreement with someone with quiet aggression - they do not clearly express their anger, as they are afraid to speak out publicly against a person on whom, for example, their material well-being depends.
• overconfidence. Those who are too self-confident can act recklessly, without consulting relatives and friends, then they get upset, blaming the whole world for their failures. Realizing that they are wrong, they hide their dissatisfaction behind passive aggression, for example, in a close circle discussing the people who made them make the wrong decision.

It is important to know! Passive-aggressive people often become unsuccessful in their personal lives and professional activities.

What pushes men to quiet aggression?

Why men become silent aggressors depends on many factors. First of all, this is due to the character formed under the influence of a weak nervous system. Let's say a person glosses over a problem or leaves it in obscene jokes. This happens because he is afraid to express his point of view, so as not to run into trouble, although he is not averse to scandal. It is good if upbringing, the general culture of the individual affects such behavior. However, this is not always the case.

To recognize passive aggression in men, you need to know the signs of passive-aggressive behavior. These may include:

1. speaks badly of everyone. He is afraid to be angry openly, he shows his discontent secretly. Like in the joke about the lion and the hare. They were sitting in a restaurant, the lion got drunk and banged his fist on the table, they say, now I'll show you how to disagree with me. The hare got frightened and ran away. At home, he tightly closed all the windows and also banged his fist on the table: “You won’t scare me!”
2. Lack of initiative. When he silently listens and agrees with everything. Although he has his own opinion, he is afraid to express it due to his weakness of character. Such a person always tries to shift responsibility to others, often lies, apologizes for nothing.
3. Optional. He never fulfills the promise, having started work, he can quit with words that he will finish later. And this “after” will drag on for a long time. On proposals to do something, he reacts weakly, they say, all this is nonsense, nothing will work out. In such actions and words lies the uncertainty in one's own actions, which is covered by hidden aggression, opposition to one's opponent.
4. Sexophobia. An insecure man is afraid of women, he does not know how to talk to them, he is afraid, for example, to hear a harsh word from them addressed to him. He hides his quiet aggression towards the female sex behind bravura behavior, often accompanied by the words that they are all such and such, you should not communicate with them.
5. Modesty at home. Such a person does not like to attract too much attention to himself. His behavior does not cause any complaints, the quiet-aggressive type does bad things to people with a smile. Such an innocent sheep.
6. limp character. Does not take the initiative, seeks to hide behind someone else's back, often it is female. Completely under the heel of the mother or wife, they solve all domestic problems for him. At work, we are dependent on our superiors, we always agree with them in everything. Even if you don't think so at all. Because of this, he constantly feels guilty, but does not "resist evil with violence." All his resistance turns into quiet aggression: bad reviews, say, about the boss or neighbor.
7. Alcoholism, substance abuse. A striking example of the passive aggression of men is the passion for alcohol or all sorts of "manias", for example, drug addiction. Complexity, fear of openly declaring one's position, entering into a public dispute, make one worry. A person seems to himself a coward, in order to look brave, he begins to use intoxicating things. In a state of intoxication, he feels a surge of strength. Then he will show those who do not consider him! And when he sobers up, aggressiveness disappears, he is again quieter than water below the grass.
8. heartlessness. A man suffers so much from his worthlessness, fear of showing himself, that he has no time for others. He simply forgets that he is surrounded by people who want good participation for themselves. They never apologize if they did something awkward. And why, he (she) will survive anyway.
9. Never clearly expresses his position. She is always hazy and vague. Today there may be one opinion, and after a while - a completely different one. It all depends on the environment in which it is located.
10. Behaving inconsistently. Yesterday he said one thing, and today it’s completely different, he acts depending on the situation, adapts to the momentary opinion.

It is important to know! A passive-aggressive man is an immature, weak-willed and lack of initiative person who cannot properly dispose of the abilities given to him by nature, and therefore covers up his passivity with hidden aggression towards active, active people.

The woman is the silent aggressor

Passive aggression in women is much less common than in men. The fair sex, getting into an unpleasant situation, tries to throw out negative emotions, noisily reacting to criticism addressed to them. This is due to the peculiarities of the emotional sphere. However, such a character trait as, for example, caution, makes you refrain from a sharp assessment of your interlocutor.

Let us consider in more detail what character traits help a woman to restrain her anger, translating it into the channel of quiet aggression. These should include:

• The ability to think about the consequences. They say that women are very emotional, at first they scream, swear, and then they begin to comprehend what they have done. But this is not a completely correct judgment. Many representatives of the weaker sex respond quite adequately in a critical situation for them. And they hold back their negative emotions, ready to break from their lips with screams and abuse. Because they understand that the consequences of such behavior can affect their, say, career. It’s better to restrain yourself and not “paraffinize” your boss, but to express all the barbs against him in a narrow circle, when there is confidence that these words will not cause undesirable consequences.
• Flattery. Someone famous said that "flattery is aggression on your knees." If a person flatters a lot, it means that he hates, but is afraid to openly talk about it, hiding his hatred under the mask of obsequiousness. To a greater extent, this behavior is inherent in women. Suppose she is afraid of the man with whom her life has come together, and hides her true attitude towards him with excessive praise. In fact, she lives in a humble position.
• Humility. Excessive submissiveness has never been a good quality for either a man or a woman. A submissive person is like a doormat, on which anyone can wipe their feet. This gives rise to aggression, which, due to the nature of his nature, a person cannot express publicly. The Nobel Prize-winning writer Elias Canetti (1905-1994) is credited with saying that “He who obeys an order needs some kind of compensation. Obedience breeds aggression."
• Eternal discontent. If a woman is dissatisfied with everything around her, she constantly condemns everyone, speaks of people with disdain. He masks his aggression towards the outside world in negative statements.
• Flawed Self-Consciousness. When any remark hurts women's pride, the lady is capable of any bad deed, but she is afraid to openly do it, "no matter how something happens." Aggression turns into a quiet, completely harmless form, often hiding behind verbal "secret" attacks towards the offender.
• Self dissatisfaction. She is dissatisfied with her actions, she understands this, but she cannot help herself. The accumulated irritation breaks down on others, expresses itself in relation to them in an aggressive form, but within the framework of decency. It is not accompanied by screams, tears and beating, for example, dishes. This calms and gives a false sense of superiority over their imaginary enemy.
• Jealousy. Let's say a friend to a loved one. Or at work they praise the comrade, not her. There is envy, but you do not want to openly break off relations. How will others react? On this basis, quiet aggression arises, which can be expressed in exaggerated praising of a girlfriend. Unfriendliness to her diligently hides.
• Low self-esteem. From childhood, the girl in the family was humiliated, spoke badly about her. She resigned herself to such an assessment of her personality, she was afraid to openly oppose it. With age, the feeling of inferiority firmly settled in the soul. The girl grew up insecure, fearful, deeply hiding the germs of aggression in her heart, considering the world cruel and unfair. Therefore, he condemns him in his statements.

It is important to know! From a psychological point of view, passive aggression is useful. Since it is a kind of mental foothold, which gives a hidden sense of superiority over those who voluntarily or involuntarily offend. However, you need to understand that this is typical for people who are physically and spiritually weak.

What to do if there is a passive aggressor nearby?

How to resist passive aggression if you know that your, say, friends treat you kindly in words, but pour mud behind your back? What should be done to avoid unpleasant communication with them, or maybe it is necessary to interrupt it forever? Tips here may vary.

In this case, the fight against passive aggression depends primarily on the realization of the fact that there are people in your environment who suffer from this mental defect. If this understanding comes, then a number of measures should be taken to get rid of the influence of these people. Let's talk frankly with them.

However, there may be another option when you yourself suffer from such a disorder. And what then needs to be done, how to deal with passive aggression so as not to disturb your own peace, your loved ones and friends?

First of all, I need to figure out why this person makes me feel uncomfortable. Who is to blame for this, perhaps I give him a reason to speak unflatteringly about me. Also, you should not judge other people for their actions if they do not concern you directly. “And who cares where the spray will fly?”. This is to the fact that it is not at all necessary to react nervously to something that does not affect you personally.

To know how to get rid of passive aggression, you need to understand that it is the lot of the weak in spirit. Various psychological trainings to work on character will help here, for example, on introspection and correction of one's actions.

Envy is not the best adviser in life. An English proverb says that "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." When they envy others, speaking angrily or unctuously about them, they destroy their own lives. Because any aggression, whether open or quiet, underlies destruction, not creation.

And we must remember that we must never destroy the joy of others. Even if it seems to you a trifle. Let people rejoice if it pleases them. And pouring your “spoon” of causticity into someone else’s “barrel” of delight is evil. Such involuntary aggression, even if said in a completely harmless way, is the key to a bad relationship.

Passive aggressors are usually losers. No need to buy a ticket for the unlucky car. In such a good life will not leave.

What is passive aggression - look at the video:

Sigmund Freud said that "the other person is always an object for the satisfaction of his aggressiveness." But this is for a morally immature person. Only spiritual work on oneself will help to avoid all the troubles associated with passive aggression.