HOW TO BE FRIENDS WITH A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE HUSBAND
Love, of course, is good, but the main thing in marriage with a passive-aggressive husband (PAM) friendship. This is the main content of life before marriage kissing, yearning, tormenting, etc., and after the wedding, my doves, welcome to real life with real (to disgust!) Duties. And poor PAM (that's the way it works) has only two answers to any business proposal: 1) passive (go yourself ...) and 2) aggressive (can't you see, I'm busy!). Sometimes 1-2 follow without any gap. No constructive middle ground! And why did such "happiness" roll over? Because, dear, that your husband is Dunno! No, not because he doesn’t know anything or his head doesn’t work well, but by type thanks to Nikolai Nosov. If the bright image of Dunno has disappeared from your head over the years, re-read the original source. Enough of the first two books with the heroines Sineglazka and Knopochka, respectively. Stop! Don't run to the bookcase then. Now I myself will remind you how a baby can be friends with a baby like Dunno.
1. Model of Sineglazka.
“He stood for a long time, pressing his forehead against the fence, and the tears kept flowing, and could not stop. Suddenly he felt that someone was touching him on the shoulder, and someone's gentle voice said:
Do not cry, Dunno.
He turned around and saw Blue Eyes.
Don't cry, she repeated.
Dunno turned away from her, grabbed the fence with his hands and howled even louder. Blue-eyed silently stroked his shoulder with her hand. Dunno shrugged his shoulder, trying to throw off her hand, and even twitched his foot.
Well, don't, don't be so mean! She spoke softly. After all, you are a kind, good kid. You wanted to appear better, so you began to show off and deceive us. But now you won't do that anymore, will you? Won't you?
The stranger was silent.
Say you won't. After all, you are good!
No, I'm bad!
But there are worse.
No, I'm the worst...
Not true. Carnation was worse than you. […] Say you won't do it again and start a new life. We will no longer remember the old.
Well, I won't! Dunno grumbled gloomily.
(Sorry for the long quote. Favorite place since childhood.)
2. Button Model.
“ Here you can see Dunno that you haven’t wised up a bit. You will always dream of a magic wand in order to somehow live without labor, at the behest of a pike. […]
Well, Button, I do not regret the magic wand! I just thought you were sorry. Why do you reproach me?
Because I want you to be good.
How? cried Dunno. And you also want me to be good?
Yes. And who else wants it?
Well, I have one such girlfriend here, Dunno waved his hands.
What follows is very nice, but in order not to get stuck in the quote again, I continue from myself. "Girlfriend" Freud called "super-ego", but in fact it is "built-in Button" or simply Conscience. So (good news!) PAM has a conscience, but (bad news) frail.
“Listen,” Dunno said, “where were you before that? Why was she silent before? Other shorties have a conscience like a conscience, but I have some kind of snake under the stump! It lurks there somewhere, sits and is silent ... It will wait until I do something wrong, and then it torments me.
3. Explanation and addition.
Negativism (I won't! I don't want! Why me? Etc.) and irritated rebellion poison the life of Dunno and those around him - from bosses to friends. Even with a soulmate Gunka, a characteristic pattern of communication is continuous quarrels and reconciliations. And the bosses are generally lousy.
Firstly, because deep down Dunno feels incompetent and therefore cannot stand any Know-It-Alls. Remember the immortal rhyme "Znayka went for a walk to the river / Jumped over the sheep." This is about a respectable professor! And Znaikin's portrait with donkey ears (a short career of Dunno as an artist)? Therefore, your task is not to be a Know-It-All for PAM, and if you have to step on the shaky ground of Know-Nothing "badness", then only in order to give him support, to pull him out of the negative swamp to a dry and healthy place (see the Sineglazka model).
Secondly, Dunno generally cannot stand the power and coercion emanating from her. And I'm glad to get rid of them, like Znayka, for example. He, remember, jumped out of a falling balloon with a parachute, and Dunno detained the others (to be honest, he got scared) and, after an emergency landing, usurped power with the help of a little blackmail. Having been a big boss for a week, he, fortunately, did not have time to do much harm - the subordinates were professionals, each in his own business. However, when Znayka returned, the former subordinates immediately switched sides and hunted down Dunno (also, by the way, PA style!). But then Sineglazka came, and held a very good psychotherapeutic session, both individual (see above) and group, with the participation of Dunno's offenders (see the source).
So, PAM demands power and freedom but fails to cope with them. At home, this can lead to horrific consequences from a clogged toilet to a child forgotten in the country. How to resolve the dilemma: to manage PAM without becoming a “boss”, how to force him to act reasonably without causing automatic denial?
Me too, Newton's binomial! Learn from the Button: without irritation (Pam has enough for three), but firmly; very clearly showing his position, but taking into account the peculiarities of this PAM (see the Button model).
Actually, girls, PAM is not the worst option. And that life-giving storm that he constantly generates? And episodic impulses for self-improvement? What about the heroic fight against laziness? It is no coincidence that Button finally burst out:
“ Oh, how funny you are, Dunno! Funny and yet good. You probably don't even know how good you are!
How good am I! Dunno said embarrassedly. It probably only seems that way to you.
Well, again, great...
Passive aggression is the behavior of a person in which he expresses his negative emotions in a socially acceptable form, in other words, suppression of anger occurs. A person can refuse to perform any action, he is dominated by pessimism and absolute inaction. In a moderate manifestation, such a phenomenon is normally tolerated by both the person himself and his environment.
But the ICD-10 also noted that there is a passive-aggressive personality disorder. That is, the constant suppression of anger and aggression as a result can lead to a pathological condition. Negative emotions must find a way out so that a person can be freed from psychological dirt.
Interestingly, this personality trait manifests differently in men and women. Hidden aggression in men is manifested by the following behavior:
In women, passive aggression is the spread of rumors, gossip, they do not seek to take responsibility for their own behavior. The fair sex with a passive-aggressive personality type wants to live the way they want it, do not tolerate various restrictions and submission. In the case of inactivity, they justify it with forgetfulness.
People with this type of aggression tend to:
- be afraid of responsibility;
- experience fear of addiction;
- try to find the culprit of the current problematic situation in order to blame him for his failures;
- quarrel with people around you in order not to let them near you;
- switch from a hostile attitude to repentance in their actions and thoughts;
- look gloomy;
- do not say "no" even in critical situations;
- avoid eye contact with the interlocutor;
- ignore appeals to them, the fulfillment of their own promises;
- discontent, sarcasm, contempt, irony and grumbling.
Some psychologists do not agree with the view that there is a special type of people with this behavior. They note that many people with these qualities grew up in conditions of disharmonic upbringing, irrational attitudes given to them in childhood by parents or other adults.
Let us consider in more detail what features of education lead to the development of passive aggression.
Causes of latent hostility
There are different periods of formation of such passive hostility, but in any case, passive-aggressive or assertive behavior is formed in the family, the place where the child learns to control his emotions. We will talk about assertiveness later, consider the factors that influence the formation of passive aggression in a person.
When does this behavior become pathological?
With pronounced manifestations of the symptoms of this behavior, it is considered a pathology and has a certain diagnosis. To make a diagnosis of passive-aggressive personality disorder, it is necessary to analyze the patient's behavior, if 5 criteria are similar to those listed below, then the person suffers from this mental disorder.
In this disorder, a person is characterized by other forms of dependence or manifestations of somatic disorders. Often such people are addicted to alcohol. Another comorbid psychiatric disorder is depression. In this case, antidepressants are used in addition to psychotherapy.
For the diagnosis of mental pathology, the emotional severity of the symptoms of the disorder is extremely important. In its manifestations, it is very similar to hysterical and borderline disorders. But passive-aggressive disorder is not as emotionally expressed as the mentioned pathologies.
Living with passive-aggressive people
Living with such people is quite difficult, since at any moment they can let you down, take a person out of inner balance, shift responsibility at the most inopportune moment.
Conflicts inevitably arise in a married couple, since not everyone can withstand prolonged neglect, indifference and the burden of double responsibility for themselves and a passive-aggressive spouse. In married life, it is important for partners to agree and understand each other. If they are determined to build relationships, they will work on their character traits. But in case of loss of initial feelings, the spouses urgently need to contact a specialist so as not to bring each other to neurosis, irritation and nervous exhaustion. In the process of psycho-correction, a passive-aggressive person learns to adequately evaluate himself, his behavior, control his actions and adequately perceive the people around him.
Correction of passive-aggressive behavior
The fight against passive-aggressive personality disorder begins with psychotherapy. In some cases, the use of antidepressants is indicated, they are especially relevant in case of too pronounced melancholic behavior of the individual, a suicidal threat. It should be noted that by threatening suicide, a person can also manipulate relatives or a psychotherapist. Such a reaction should be interpreted as an expression of anger, and not depression about the loss of love from relatives. Therefore, the psychotherapist should direct the person to a more adequate expression of angry reactions.
Behavior with hidden aggression is devoid of assertiveness. Passivity in the expression of aggression (if any) appears due to the person's acceptance of the role of a victim (and everyone owes him, as a weak one) or a manipulator (and everyone owes him, as a strong one). The psychotherapist has an important task to formulate a new setting in behavior - assertiveness - the ability of a person to make decisions independently, be able to say "no", not depend on external conditions, assessments and influences, be responsible for decisions and behavior. In the new role of an assertive person, the principles of passive-aggressive behavior are replaced by adequate communication with the message: “I don’t owe anything to another, and the other person doesn’t owe me anything, we are partners to each other.”
Treating passive-aggressive disorders is difficult because the patient is not motivated to do so. It is very difficult to establish the right relationship between the therapist and the patient to achieve a therapeutic effect. If the doctor yields to covert manipulators, the treatment will fail. If the patient's demands are denied, psychotherapeutic contact may be lost. To work effectively with such patients, a highly qualified specialist is required.
Of all the psychological approaches, the cognitive-behavioral one is the most effective. In the process of therapy with the techniques of this approach, the patient realizes what the social consequences of his passive-aggressive behavior can be.
Group and individual work is carried out to train coping (coping behavior), social skills are developed. If the client has taken a defensive, oppositional stance, this can also be used by the therapist. For the desired result of therapy, it is necessary to give instructions opposite to what he wants to achieve.
Tips for communicating with such people:
- in working relationships, it is necessary to clearly monitor the actions of a passive-aggressive colleague;
- do not rely on such people in responsible tasks;
- no need to get involved in their manipulation games;
- in the family, sometimes it is necessary to involve a qualified specialist with severe symptoms;
- avoid joint performance of a responsible task;
- it is necessary to firmly convey a different, alternative point of view;
- to remain calm during confrontation so that a person sees that it is not so easy to piss off others.
It is very important to trust your instincts at the initial stage of a relationship, because most often an aggressive man shows his true essence when he is already sure that a woman will not run away from him anywhere.
What is the behavior of an aggressive man? How to recognize him in the early stages of a romantic relationship? What signs in behavior show a person's propensity for aggression and violence?
Every woman should know the answers to these questions so that it is not too late to find out who the man really is and end the relationship sooner rather than later.
Signs of an aggressive man
- He is unreasonably jealous and suspicious
Jealousy is not always a sign of love, more often a sign of complexes and emotional instability. A self-confident man, if he is jealous, he will not make scenes and scandals when the guy at the next table just looked at you.
- Likes to control his woman
He wants to know everything about you, especially where and with whom you spent every minute of your day. He does not like when you meet with colleagues after work, he reads your texts, tries to participate in every area of your life. For example, he may insist on picking you up from work even if you don't want to.
- He doesn't respect his woman
He does not respect any woman in the world and will not treat his own differently - this is the reality. He does not listen to her, defiantly ignores her opinion. Double standards are also a sure sign of aggressiveness. If he treats his woman well and treats others badly, this means that sooner or later he will show his essence.
- Easily loses his temper over trifles
A too irritable person who does not control himself well can also behave with his woman, but not immediately, but as soon as he feels comfortable in her environment, when he realizes that she belongs to him, that she is in love with him, for example, or has become his wife.
- Often uses exaggerations in speech
This indicates a tendency to extremes in the character of a person. For people like him, everything is either black or white (more often black), there is no gray. He does not know what a compromise is, he is bad at negotiating, listening to other people.
- Prefers fast development of relationships
Numerous studies have shown that aggressive men are most often for the rapid development of relationships. They don’t want to wait, the woman should belong to him as soon as possible, because only in this way can he control her and dictate his rules to her. Women often complain that men are slow to propose marriage, but when he does it too soon, this is a good reason to think and analyze your relationship. It happens that this is really love, but if he shows other signs described in this article, then there is no need to rush.
- Tries to limit your contact with family and friends
He wants his woman only for himself and with the development of relationships, he shows more and more dislike when a woman communicates with other people from her environment. When the relationship becomes serious, or after the wedding, he simply forbids her such contacts.
- Mood changes often
The mood can change for all of us, but only in a psychologically unstable person can it change dramatically, often for no apparent reason.
- Uses threats and blackmail to control
“If you don’t do something, then I….” is a common phrase that comes from the lips of an aggressive man. He loves that everything always be exactly as he wants, while he can not use physical violence, psychological aggression is a thing no less terrible.
- Blames others for their problems
He only has someone else to blame but not himself. He is perfect and always does everything right. With the passage of time, he begins to shift more and more blame onto his woman, he makes her feel bad, often humiliates and infringes on her own dignity. This is a method of control using psychological aggression.
- He has a negative attitude towards women
Often he scolds his ex-wives or girlfriends, says nasty things about them and generally considers women “corrupt” or uses other unflattering words, which means that he already has a certain image of women in his head, and the chance that he really considers you is different, minimal. Most likely, he hopes that he will limit you and "educate" you so that you match his idea of \u200b\u200bthe right woman.
- He is aggressive towards animals and children.
A man who can show violence towards defenseless creatures will not refrain from showing the same attitude towards his woman in the future. If he allows aggression towards the defenseless, you need to urgently run away from such a man and as far as possible.
- He is rude and disrespectful to others
If a man behaves well with his woman, but treats others badly, this is a sure sign of aggressiveness, because at the beginning of the relationship he will not show his real essence to his woman, but he behaves with others as he used to. Especially pay attention to how he treats the staff of various establishments, whether it be a hotel or a restaurant.
An aggressive man believes that if he has paid any amount for something, then he can behave as he wants. He has the same attitude towards women, if he spent some of his money on her, he often already considers her his property.
Of course, one can sympathize with such people, because most often such behavior is the result of psychological trauma in childhood, being raised in a family with the same aggressive father, but this does not mean that you can somehow help him. Here you need the help of a professional psychologist, and you don’t have to selflessly try to somehow survive in a relationship with an aggressive man because “he feels bad.” This is the mistake of many women. Be smarter and more selective in relationships.
What is passive aggression? Almost everyone met her in life (and some people regularly splash it out on others). However, this phenomenon itself is discussed in our culture very, very rarely.
A samurai without a sword is like a samurai with a sword. Only without the sword. (joke)
What is passive aggression? Almost everyone met her in life (and some people regularly splash it out on others). However, the phenomenon itself is discussed in our culture very, very rarely. More often you can hear something like: “She has a bad temper” or “He is an energy vampire: he doesn’t seem to do anything bad, but after talking with him you feel very bad.” People usually do not know that no esoteric stuff has anything to do with it, and no vampires are to blame. It's just that the person who is so difficult to deal with actually regularly acts passive-aggressively with you.
Passive-aggressive behavior is aggression expressed in a socially acceptable form, while the aggressor outwardly does not go beyond social norms.
(When I was looking for material for an article, I suddenly realized where exactly you can find a lot of passive-aggressive reactions: on forums where daughters-in-law complain about their mothers-in-law. And I scored a number of examples in the LJ community "father-in-law"). So, examples:
For Christmas, my mother-in-law gave me a box of jam. When I opened the present, she said that the jam was for all the guests, not just me, and she needed the box back.
During the wedding photo session, the mother-in-law turned to the photographer with a request to take a family photo - four of us and without me. I was ready to just kiss this little, bald man when he remarked: “Excuse me, madam, but your family already includes more than four. The bride must be present in every photo!”
My mother-in-law once gave me a Bible, a cross necklace, and a cookbook called How to Cook Pork Chops for my birthday. On the card (with Jesus) it was written that she hoped that I changed my mind and that she could save me. Did I mention that I'm Jewish? I kept telling her all 7 years of our marriage that I did NOT plan to change religion. Her husband told her not to worry about gifts anymore if she couldn't help but obsess over religion. He added that he loves me and is thinking about converting to Judaism! He doesn't plan anything like that, but he wanted to poke her in the nose with it.
Every Christmas, my mother-in-law gives me a broken candlestick. When I open the box, we "find" that the glass is broken. The mother-in-law every time pretends to be surprised and takes the box to take it to the store and exchange it. The following year I receive the same gift.
The mother-in-law loves to give gifts in order to embroil her grandchildren among themselves. Last year[...] she gave the kids $35 and said the older two should get $12 and the younger one $11. All three of them looked at her like she was crazy, and of course we didn't let that happen.
My ex-husband's family exchanged gifts at Christmas. We were a young couple with two small children, and we went out of our way to buy gifts for everyone. In response, they received very strange things, and always one gift per family. For example, a can of M&M sweets for everyone. This upset the children, because all the children received their own gift, and ours - a can of candy for the family. One day each grandchild got a really nice gift, and ours got a booklet worth 89 cents. It was the last time we went there.
My husband's stepmother came to us while we were away and stole potted flowers that were on my porch. Then she said that she did it because we didn’t give them anything for their wedding anniversary. I never received these flowers back. By the way, she never gave us anything for our anniversary.
It was difficult even to choose specific examples from the many stories: judging by the complaints of women, mothers-in-law are extremely inventive in poisoning the lives of daughters-in-law. They interfere in the affairs of a young family (“I wish you well!”), give gifts that are borderline offensive (and pretend that they didn’t mean anything like that), extort certain actions from their son and daughter-in-law (thanks for a cheap trinket or that they necessarily, ALWAYS went on vacation there and as the father-in-laws say) .... Well, it’s a classic: to break into the room of the young at any opportunity, even in the middle of the night (“I have things there, in the closet” or “I’ll just straighten the blanket for them - they sleep like doves!”). At the same time, it is noticeable that daughters-in-law (and sons, too) are not very happy with interference, unsolicited advice and gifts, moralizing and barbs. Because people fully feel that they were treated aggressively, an uninvited society was imposed on them, they broke into personal boundaries.
Was there any aggression in these cases? Undoubtedly. The daughters-in-law in all the stories cited were outraged, although they reacted differently (not everyone began to bring it to a scandal).
Was the aggression expressed openly? No. This is the essence of passive aggression: such an aggressor never crosses the boundaries of socially acceptable. Is it customary to give gifts to relatives? Well, the mother-in-law will do it quite socially. Ah, the gift came out unsuccessful - well, not all gifts are successful. But from the bottom of my heart, accompanying with "mother's advice." (Actually, unsolicited - but also socially acceptable; after all, it is quite customary for an older woman to give good advice to an inexperienced and younger one).
That is, due to the fact that social norms were not grossly violated, it is difficult to find fault with a passive aggressor. But the victim, the victim understands perfectly well how she was treated! The victim is not happy and it is not very easy to persuade her: "Never mind, it's okay." She felt completely full-fledged aggression in her address: she (or her children) was placed below others, treated an adult woman like a juvenile fool, or, distributing material values, defiantly deprived of her status. This is what it is - aggression, only expressed in a passive form.
How to recognize passive aggression?
Oh, when someone shows passive aggression towards you, you will instantly notice it. You may not have known this term before, but you will feel a painful prick. A passive aggressor is usually not rude, does not go into open confrontation. He does not raise his voice and does not start scandals himself - but conflict situations often flare up around him. For some reason, many just want to be rude, yell at this innocent person. And even after a short communication with such a person, one wants to take one's soul away - it becomes so unpleasant and difficult, the mood deteriorates so much.
Such people often know themselves that there are many "ill-wishers" or simply bad, malicious people around them. A passive-aggressive strategy is to tolerate being mistreated and then complain to someone who is willing to listen (and who won't send back).
Passive-aggressives do not demand anything - they complain and reproach; they do not ask - they hint by chance (yes, so that later you can’t find fault in any way). They are never to blame for their troubles - well, at least they do not believe in it themselves. Others are necessarily to blame, bad luck, a bad education system, “everything in this country works this way”, etc. (By the way: one of the effective methods of psychotherapy is to gradually bring a person with passive-aggressive behavior to the realization of how he himself, his actions affect the reactions of others.
In fact, most often it turns out that this is not a person surrounded by malicious stupid bastards, but ordinary, normal people for some reason are not happy when they receive a dose of passive aggression. But this is usually not easy to get to, and "psychologically treating" people without their direct request is also a form of mild aggression, by the way, so please don't try to "re-educate" anyone in the best of intentions, okay?).
Here is a short list of manifestations of passive aggression:
Do not speak directly about their desires and needs (hint or silently expect others to understand them without words). They will never say openly what they like and what not - you always have to guess. They say about such people: “you won’t please him”;
They do not start a scandal first, although they often provoke it;
In especially difficult cases, they can even stir up a "guerrilla war" against someone who is unkind - gossip, intrigue against an unsuspecting "offender";
Often they violate obligations: they promise, and then do not fulfill, sabotage, skillfully shirk. The point here is that the passive-aggressive was initially against it and did not want to do what was agreed with him, but he could not say “no”. So he said "yes" and simply did nothing. Yes, and immediately was not going to;
They are often late: this is also a form of passive resistance, when you have to go where you didn’t want to immediately;
The promised is often postponed for a long time under a variety of pretexts. Performed with reluctance, poor quality and at the very last moment. Yes, by the way, now fashionable procrastination can also be a form of passive aggression;
Often unproductive, use the so-called. "Italian strike" - that is, they seem to be doing it, but there is still no result. This is another way to indirectly say: “I don’t like this, I don’t want to do this!” Without entering into an open conflict;
By the way, passive-aggressive personalities often have a reputation as unreliable people who cannot be relied on - precisely because of the above features;
They gossip, complain about others (behind their backs), get offended. They are often indignant and dissatisfied that others behave badly, the world is unfair, the state is arranged incorrectly, the bosses are stupid, they load terribly at work and do not appreciate, etc. They see the cause of their troubles outside, they do not connect them with their own actions. They reproach others for unreasonable demands, for the injustice of the authorities towards them, for the fact that their efforts are not appreciated (they especially love to blame and pour contempt on the authorities of any rank behind their backs);
Critical and sarcastic. They reach great heights in the ability to “lower” a person with one poisonous word and devalue his achievements or good intentions. They actively criticize and practically do not praise - because this will allow the other to "gain power" by learning what the passive-aggressive likes or dislikes;
Masterfully avoid direct discussions of problems. "Punished" by silence. They stubbornly do not explain why they are offended, but non-verbally make it clear that the offense is strong and it will not be easy to atone for it. They provoke the interlocutor to express dissatisfaction and the first steps in the conflict (the conflict still flares up, but technically it was not launched by passive-aggressive, which means that it is not he who is to blame, but the opponent);
During open disputes, the passive-aggressive becomes personal, recalls the old, finds something to blame the opponent for, and tries to shift the blame to others to the last;
Under the guise of caring, they behave as if the other person is disabled, stupid, handicapped, etc. (a classic example is when the daughter-in-law finishes cleaning the apartment and finds that the mother-in-law is crawling with a rag, wiping the freshly washed floor. To the surprised questions of the young woman, the mother-in-law carefully says: “Oh, baby, never mind, it’s just our custom to the house was clean". Naturally, after such a manifestation of passive aggression, the daughter-in-law will quietly fall into a rage, but it is not customary to be rude to a polite tone and ostentatious "care" - well, that means there will be a scandal in the young family in the evening).
Where does it come from? Origins of passive aggression
Like almost all personality traits, passive aggression comes from childhood. If a person grew up in a family where one of the parents (or both) were unpredictable and domineering, it is difficult for him to express his demands, wishes, indignations. From this arises an underlying sense of danger, severe anxiety.
If a child is punished for showing anger or assertiveness, he learns to achieve his goals in a roundabout way, and not to express disagreement and anger outwardly, but to show it in passive ways.
For example, in one of the forums, when discussing passive-aggressive behavior, a participant stated: “Oh, everything was like that in my family! It was dangerous for us to be indignant and not just demand something, but also ask - mom and dad could get angry, call me ungrateful, punish me ... I remember that even to get a tape recorder for the New Year, I did not ask my parents, but built complex schemes: how by hints, by blunt words, to get them to guess…” In fact, such a child grows up in conditions where open resistance is impossible (due to economic, physical dependence on parents), and usually masterfully masters the skills of "guerrilla warfare".
Passive-aggressives are sure that the world is a dangerous place, that it is more expensive to open up in it and trust people. And if others find out what it is that scares you, angers you, or is especially desirable, then they will also gain control over you. Control games are another form of passive aggression. To demand or ask for something from another means to substitute, to show one's weakness, dependence. This means that people can play on your desires (and the world, according to passive-aggressive people, is hostile and it is deadly to fight it). Therefore, openly wanting something or refusing something directly means giving control of your life into the wrong hands. Therefore, passive-aggressive people do not directly express their desires, but answer “yes” to any other request, after which they become gloomy, angry inside themselves and do not do it, excuses with forgetfulness and the fact that they “did not have time”.
By the way, I note that cultural norms also contribute to the formation of a passive-aggressive personality type: it is girls who are most often suppressed in manifestations of stubbornness, energy and anger. Therefore, many women grow up confident that if they are “correct, truly feminine” (delicate, always sweet, non-assertive), they will definitely “come and bring everything”. And if they don’t carry it, then you are doing something wrong, for example, you brazenly demand a lot; a loving man must himself guess and please his beloved woman; and her job is to gradually lead him to the right idea. It doesn’t work out to put your desires into another person’s head, which means - suffer in silence, like a partisan, and let your beloved listen: “guess for yourself”, “well, is it really incomprehensible”, “if you loved me, you would know” and “do as Want". Yes, this is also an undercover power struggle and control games; if you openly say: “Do me this and that, I want it,” then you can hear a direct refusal (“Not now, I have no time”), and even having received what you want, make sure that happiness is not brought. And what, then, who demanded - he himself is to blame? No, it's better to hint, get (or not get) what you want, and if there is no satisfaction, then all the blame is on the one who read the thoughts incorrectly.
Numerous "How to become a feminine woman" courses today often provoke and support the development of a passive-aggressive personality in their students. In courses with the typical name “become desirable for the weekend,” they teach: a woman cannot, well, you can’t take the initiative - you need to be gentle, helpless, alluring, and everything in your life will work out correctly on its own. After all, when a strong and active man sees that a feminine woman is suffering, unable to get something she needs, he will definitely understand everything and will do everything for you, get it and give it to you! And to do something yourself: to demand, to achieve, to refuse unnecessary things, to ask and take care of yourself on your own - in no case. Well, that's unfeminine! So either suffer that they didn’t bring it, or twist the hands of those around you: hint, gradually lead to your idea, “create conditions”. In general, passive aggression, as it is.
What to do if you meet a passive-aggressive type on your way?
First, it is worth knowing that a passive-aggressive person provokes others, but he himself will not start a conflict. Do not succumb to provocations - your "explosion of emotions" will not help clarify relations, but will only give you a reputation as a brawler in the eyes of others. Take your soul somewhere else, complain to friends and relatives, but do not give such a passive-aggressive gift, do not show yourself as “bad” and “scandalous”. Do not trust the passive-aggressive with your secrets and information that can harm you if it is disclosed.
Name what is happening and your feelings. Don't blame the other, just say, "When this and that happens, I usually get upset." For example: "When you leave with the whole department for lunch and forget to call me, I feel sad." There is no need to blame (“you are on purpose!”), no need to generalize (“you always!”). Tell us about your feelings, how sad and bad you felt. The passive-aggressive person himself is afraid of being blamed for other people's troubles, and it is better for those around you to know that for you this is not “nothing happened”, but something upsetting.
Do not expect such a person to understand and re-educate you (even if you retell this article to him). It probably won't happen on its own. Passive-aggressive individuals usually do not come to therapy because something is wrong with them: they usually complain about bad people around them (who are undoubtedly to blame for everything), or other psychological problems (for example, depression) , or they are forced to appear by relatives who cannot bear coexistence. published
From letters to Samprosvetbulletin: “The behavior of the man worries me. He is rude to my cat. First in words, then he began to throw her off the sofa and strives to kick her with his foot when she passes by, ” Marina writes.
“What behavior of a man shows that in the future he can be aggressive? The young man got angry that I didn’t want to do as he planned and threw the car keys on the floor with all his might ... ”, - writes Anastasia.
“…having gone through a bad experience in the past, now I'm afraid to make a mistake. to make sure he doesn't raise his hand against me." Olga asks.
Aggressive behavior of a man
In my work, I often come across such a phenomenon that women, observing the first manifestations of aggressive behavior on the part of a man, do not attach any importance to what happened. But the behavior of a man does not arise from scratch and has its own causes and consequences.
Women who came to me about issues of aggression and violence from their husbands admitted that the man showed signs of aggression before marriage, but they did not pay attention or did not understand what consequences such behavior could lead to. According to my observations, women are especially vulnerable, who in the past were married to an alcoholic husband and were subjected to violence and humiliation, who had an attitude “if only they didn’t drink.” Having met a man who is socially more successful and not subject to alcoholism, they are more tolerant of his shortcomings, which at first seem insignificant.
According to American researchers, severe aggression and violence occurs in 1 out of 14 marriages. Women show aggression mainly in self-defense or when they are forced to do something. Men use aggression to get their way.
Aggression is open and hidden
Open aggression can manifest itself:
In physical form: punches, attacks, pushes.
In communication: offensive words, nicknames, ironic statements.
In facial expressions and movements: insulting gestures, contemptuous grimace.
In cruelty to children and animals, beating dishes and other objects.
Hidden aggression can manifest itself:
In actions that emphasize that the interlocutor is not noticed.
In communication: slander, slander; words that cause feelings of guilt, ignoring questions.
In facial expressions and movements: avoidance of a direct look, a gloomy expression in response to a smile.
Aggression is a sign of a limited and one-sidedly developed personality, insufficiently developed skills for dealing with anger. Often men who are prone to aggression are depressed, may have personality disorders, irrational thoughts and negative attitudes, have low self-esteem and a strong desire for power.
Even if a person does not show aggression explicitly, it colors his speech, thoughts and actions. Therefore, a man capable of aggression and violence can be identified even at the stage of acquaintance. Even if you get to know each other through, you can recognize the signs of an aggressive man at the stage.
Signs of the behavior of a man prone to aggression
- Hypersensitivity and impatience if something does not go as expected. A person in this case is very easily offended or loses his temper.
- Constantly assures you of something and makes promises: "I swear, honestly, I'm not exaggerating, I'm telling the truth, I promise."
- Often gives you and other people definitions, diagnoses: “you only need money”, “my ex was hysterical.”
- Uses threats: "If you don't do this, then I'll do something..."
- Often sarcastically teases, uses ridicule, ironic statements, generally inclined to sarcastic.
- Likes to gossip, retelling negative information.
- He conducts a dialogue with himself, asks you questions and answers them himself.
- Uses exaggerations and understatements in speech.
- Tends to control “why didn’t you answer the text right away?”
- Blames other people for his problems.
- Jealous and suspicious for no reason.
- Fast for rapprochement and marriage. Research has shown that many male abusers marry quickly, impulsively, and under the influence of intense romantic infatuation.
- Abuse of alcohol and drugs.
- There was violence in the parents' family.
Legibility in dating, the right choice of a man is the key to a happy relationship in the future. We always have only such relationships that we choose ourselves. Read about which women attract violent men and how to behave with such men.
Good luck and see you soon on the pages of Samprosvetbulletin!
