The "League of Schools" opened in 1994 in the Moscow district of Yasenevo. In January 2015, alumni investigating cases of sexual harassment met with school leaders and demanded that they resign. Izyumov quickly agreed with them, saying that he was "tired of all this." Bebchuk did not admit his guilt at that meeting and said that he "does not understand what kind of broken destinies we are talking about."
In February 2015, a month after the meeting with graduates, an announcement about its imminent closure appeared on the school website: "The problem is that the school that was conceived and opened more than twenty years ago, in today's conditions of a greatly narrowed legislative field, exists can no longer." The graduates, according to Meduza, demanded that this announcement not mention the real reasons for the closure. As one of the victims told the online publication, the graduates did not want to "make a fuss so that a good memory of the school remains."
As a result, Bebchuk completed his position until mid-June - the end of the academic year, and Izyumov stopped appearing in it after meeting with graduates.
Bebchuk has not yet commented on the topic. His acquaintances told Meduza that he recently suddenly changed his place of residence, leaving the apartment where he lived all the time while he worked as the director of the League of Schools.
“Karsten studied at the Moscow League of Schools for the third year (recruited to it from the 7th grade), the director of which was Bebchuk. The school administration often sent those lagging behind to improve their knowledge in his house in the village of Bobrovo, six hours drive from the city<...>Karsten arrived in Bobrovo, having flunked a test exam in mathematics - in a month she had to pass the state final certification, which is mandatory for all ninth graders. Together with a friend, they went to the bathhouse, undressed and wrapped themselves in towels. Bebchuk, a disheveled, bearded man who looked like the traveler Fyodor Konyukhov, followed him and did the same; and they began to solve problems. To the surprise of the schoolgirls, it turned out really better.
The next day, Karsten went to the bathhouse to solve problems alone - a classmate left, and only the director himself, his wife Anastasia, who taught art history at the League of Schools, and their children remained in Bobrovo. Bebchuk periodically came to visit the student. When it turned out that the classes were not going as well as yesterday, he suggested taking a break and taking a steam bath.
The teacher asked Karsten to remove the towel and lie down on her stomach. Having steamed her with a broom, he sat down on the bench next to her and hugged her. “You are a very smart and beautiful girl, everything will be fine with us, everything will work out for us,” Bebchuk said and kissed the 15-year-old schoolgirl on the lips. Then he hugged her tighter; kissed the forehead, cheeks, hair; He said that he loved her and that "everything will be fine"<...>
Similar stories, alumni and former employees of the school told Meduza, have been repeated in the League of Schools for 21 years, all the time it has existed; Previously, similar cases occurred at the school "X", where Bebchuk worked before. Meduza is aware of more than two dozen people who said they were victims of sexual assault and harassment by Bebchuk and his deputy Nikolai Izyumov<...>
For several years in the "League of Schools" there was a theater studio, which was led by Irina Dmitrieva<...>After the rehearsal, they walked together to the metro with Tatyana Karsten - she had recently suddenly left school (this rarely happened in the League), but continued to go to rehearsals - and she told the teacher how Bebchuk molested her in Bobrovo. A few weeks later, Dmitrieva learned from acquaintances that Bebchuk had had sex with his student Vera Volyak for several years.
Dmitrieva decided to find out if the violence was systematic. She began to look for victims among pretty graduates, called graduates and invited them to visit her, talked with teachers. One of the graduates burst into tears in response to Dmitrieva's questions: she remembered how Bebchuk put her on his knees, defended her at the expulsion meeting, and then said: "You will be my debtor."
At the end of 2014, Volyak, one of the first graduates of the League of Schools, at the request of the investigators, recorded a video message. “I was tormented by all this for many years,” said Volyak. “Why am I talking about this after 20 years? And for me it is completely unacceptable that I will be with some child ... I moved to England and worked as a teacher for six years. And now I understand that sexual relations [with students] are unacceptable for a teacher, a person in a position of power. I had a daughter myself. If I found out that a man I should trust is groping and fucking my 14-year-old daughter, I would not think about what to do with this man. I want them not to ruin anyone else's years of life " .
Over time, graduates of the "League of Schools" of different years joined the search for victims, including those who were affected by the encroachments of teachers. In two months, they compiled a table of dozens of cases based on the results of a survey of their classmates.
According to graduates, teachers kissed and hugged students, molested them at school and on vacation, and also bathed with them in the bath.
To bookmarks
Former director of the "League of Schools" Sergei Bebchuk. Photo by Russian Reporter magazine
For the first time, possible harassment in the Moscow "League of Schools" became known in the fall of 2014. Then the head of the theater studio, Irina Dmitrieva, learned that one of her students left the capital's school due to sexual abuse by the director.
Dmitrieva decided to find out if there were cases of violence against other students. The teacher began her investigation, having managed to talk to both graduates and teachers. Later, other former students of the League of Schools joined the search for victims, who in January 2015 forced the leadership to leave the institution.
The “League of Schools” is accepted from the 7th grade, there are places for about 60 people in it. For admission, it was necessary to pass an interview, pass a written test and play the Crocodile game with high school students.
Classes in the "League of Schools" were very different from classes in ordinary schools: there, for example, they studied Latin, and botany lessons were held only in September and May, when the plants bloom. History, literature and art history were synchronized with each other: first Antiquity, then the Middle Ages, the Renaissance, and so on.
Conferences were held twice a year, for which schoolchildren prepared serious reports. All alumni interviewed by Meduza said that studying at the League of Schools was very interesting.
From the publication "Medusa"
victims
According to Meduza, cases of sexual violence and harassment in the League of Schools have been repeated for the past 21 years, that is, since its inception. More than two dozen people told the publication that they were sexually harassed by school director Sergei Bebchuk and his deputy Nikolai Izyumov.
The exact number of victims remains unknown. At the same time, Meduza claims that Bebchuk molested students at his previous place of work - at School X or Lyceum No. 1561. League of Schools psychologist Ivan Lebedev noted that a large number of cases cannot be confirmed, since many girls refuse to speak about your experience.
What are teachers accused of?
Nikolai Izyumov, former deputy director of the school. Photo "Intellect.club"
Many former students told Meduza that Bebchuk and Izyumov molested them at school, and also invited them to the bathhouse under the pretext of additional classes and harassed them there. In some cases, it allegedly came to sex.
As graduates recalled, Izyumov, the school's deputy director, often photographed schoolgirls in class and molested schoolgirls in the office he shared with director Bebchuk. Izyumov kissed all the girls every day at the entrance to the school, both on the cheeks and on the lips.
Bebchuk and Izyumov were accused of harassment not only at school, but also outside of it. The deputy director allegedly molested the students during a summer trip to the Crimea, for example, he smeared naked girls with sunblock. According to the recollections of former schoolchildren, in children's camps, Izyumov sat on the bed with the students of the "League of Schools" and kissed each of them.
At the end of the eighth grade, before the trip, which they also went to at school "X" regularly, together with other students, she sewed sleeping bags in the school building - so that three people could fit in each. On the very first night of the campaign, Bebchuk told her to go to bed with him in the same sleeping bag. “Be sure to sleep in an embrace, it’s nice,” the teacher explained.
From the publication "Medusa"
Reaction
According to Meduza, in 2015 alumni presented their investigation into harassment to the school administration and demanded that the administration resign.
Bebchuk and Izyumov agreed, shortly followed by The League of Schools. At the same time, former students noticed that the former director works at the Intellectual school for gifted children, and his colleague founded the Intellect Club for holding intellectual games.
The publication failed to contact Bebchuk. According to acquaintances of the former director, he recently unexpectedly changed his place of residence for them. Izyumov denied the accusations against him.
The Department of Education of Moscow to the Dozhd TV channel made an operational comment and has not yet responded to a request.
At the same time, the Investigative Committee of the Russian Federation for Moscow, which began checking on the report of sexual violence against minors, was allowed to publish it on the day of its release.
From the report of one of the online publications, it follows that for a long time the teaching staff, including the director of the educational institution, took students to children's camps, where they committed sexual acts against them. According to the author of the article, violations of the sexual freedom and inviolability of children also occurred on the territory of the school.
Investigative Committee of the Russian Federation for Moscow
The very fact of checking the IC by and large does not mean anything: the department has the right to start it in any case when a violation of the law is made public. It is difficult to predict how the investigation will end, but we can recall a similar story about harassment in Moscow school No. 57.
What did the story with school number 57 lead to
On September 27, 2016, the Investigative Committee opened a criminal case on indecent acts by prior agreement at school No. 57.
The Investigative Committee suspected Boris Meyerson, a former history teacher at school No. 57, and Maria Nemzer, a school graduate, of the crime. The next day, searches were carried out in their apartments, but both of them left for Israel long before the investigation.
Four months later, no new information about the progress of the case and its results has appeared.
Even before the case was opened, there was a lot of discussion around the series of sexual harassment at school #57. Against the backdrop of a scandal
Recently, information appeared on the Internet that in the prestigious "League of Schools" students were allegedly raped for 25 years. Specific names of offenders were also named - the director of the educational institution Sergei Bebchuk and his deputy Nikolai Izyumov. Journalists conducted an investigation and found out the details of the scandalous story. Later, shocking video messages from graduates appeared on the Web, alleging harassment by Bebchuk and Izyumov.
The data posted in the media became interested in the Investigative Committee. They initiated a check on the fact of publication in an online publication. At the same time, social network users began to harass "rapists" on the Internet. They wrote angry comments on Izyumov's page. The man himself answered some of them. He continues to deny his guilt.
Later, graduates and teachers of the League of Schools, who disagree with the accusations against Bebchuk and Izyumov, created a page on social networks. They call for the restoration of the reputation of a prestigious educational institution for gifted children. According to the defenders of the educational institution, it can be destroyed in a matter of hours. What happened after the journalists initiated heated discussions of the sex scandal.
// Photo: frame of the lecture "Polit.ru"
Thus, ex-school teacher Vasily Tumanov believes that the information published in the media reveals only one point of view on what was happening. “There was a rewriting of other people's versions of events, which cannot be directly verified. It would be possible to compare the testimonies of the same people (as in the case of Tatyana Karsten), to compare the testimonies of different people about the same events, but we, the readers, did not see anything of this, ”the man notes.
Tumanov also commented on the reasons for the closure of the educational institution. Previously, a version was put forward that this happened due to a sex scandal that had arisen, which they wanted to hush up. However, according to the teacher, the closure of the school was due to the "narrowing of the legislative field." The teacher noted that the administration of the educational institution did everything possible for its further existence, but it was not possible to cope with external circumstances.
A group of teachers also expressed their opinion, saying that they were sending a collective letter to the prosecutor's office. The appeal was initiated by Doctor of Pedagogical Sciences and Professor German Levitas. The man is outraged by the large number of lies that, in his opinion, the former teachers of the unique school and its graduates had to face. German Grigoryevich was supported by 12 of his former colleagues.
“Unverified rumors are circulating in the media about alleged cases of molestation of girls by the leaders of this school. I worked there as a mathematics teacher for 14 years: from 2001 until its closure - and I did not see anything similar at the school ... This discredits the name of one of the best pedagogical institutions in our country. A very important feature of this school was that the school lived like one family, with its own inner joys and sorrows, agreements and disputes, quarrels and consolations. Dirty people can always see in this what interests them most. But the principle of the presumption of innocence should act to protect against them,” said Levitas.
A graduate of 2014, Fathi El-Kuhoun, said that his school years were the best thing that ever happened to him. He stated that children who for some reason left the walls of his beloved educational institution could think about revenge. The young man claims that he is personally acquainted with the director Sergei Bebchuk, who is accused of violence, and his close people. Fathi finds the accusations against the man unfair. According to El-Kukhun, Bebchuk is not capable of molesting minors. The director of the League of Schools, says Fathi, sought to give knowledge to students and therefore even sometimes sacrificed his days off.
“It was so incredible that at first I refused to believe that such a thing was possible. I spent whole days there from morning to evening, although I had never been a diligent student. It's just that life has always been in full swing in this place, in this school you could easily communicate with students and, most importantly, teachers at any time. And everyone who studied at the League of Schools fell in love with this informal atmosphere for at least a month,” recalls El-Kuhun.
Eight other alumni came together and sent a collective letter, which was published on social networks. Young people expressed categorical disagreement with the accusations that are being made against the director and his wife, as well as the head teacher of the educational institution.
“We grew up in the League of Schools. It was there that we became who we are… Sergei Alexandrovich, Nikolai Mikhailovich, Anastasia Stanislavovna – these are the teachers without whom the League of Schools would not have appeared, and we are very grateful to them for the fact that such a miracle happened in 1994… "League" had many difficulties. On the one hand, difficulties with financing, with the building, with food, and on the other hand, with people. We did not think that those people who were not close to the “League” life would decide to collectively express their dislike, ”the former students say in the publication.
Alumni said that everyone at the school knew each other and maintained an atmosphere of trust. “We were as honest with each other as possible, and if conflicts arose between us, they were quickly resolved. With such a system of relations, it was impossible to hide something,” they note.
Later, a new detail surfaced on the Web regarding the erupted sex scandal. It turned out that there is a conflict of interest. Former chief editor of Finanz Pavel Miledin drew attention to the fact that the general director of the school, Sergei Bebchuk, and the alleged brother of one of the victims, Petr Volyak, are mentioned in the SPARK system as the owner and CEO of a software company. The patronymic and registration of this possible relative of the victim coincides with the data of Vera Volyak. The fact discovered by the journalist raised many questions in him.
After some time, Miledin was answered by the editor-in-chief of the publication, where an investigation into the violence with the League of Schools appeared. Ivan Kolpakov stated that there are no hidden business interests in this story.
“I consider such an assumption irresponsible. In addition to this heroine, we have two dozen testimonies from former students of the League of Schools, including those recorded on video, plus a tangible amount of documentary evidence, among which the most important is a recording of a meeting of graduates with Bebchuk (during which Bebchuk indirectly confirms his involvement in sexual harassment and accepts an ultimatum),” the journalist said.
Next news
Alumni of the League of Schools, who do not agree with the allegations of sexual harassment by their director Sergei Bebchuk and his deputy Nikolai Izyumov, told the 360 TV channel their version of events.
Scary details
Two former students Tatyana Karsten and Vera Volyak made video messages in which they told how teachers molested them. The students went to the village where Bebchuk's house is located. Karsten recalled the incident in the bathhouse, when the teacher floated her naked, then kissed her and confessed his love to her.
Volyak shared that, as a 14-year-old, she had an intimate relationship with the director and once participated in group sex with him and his wife Anastasia Loseva.
According to the League of Schools 2015 graduates, everything that Karsten and Volyak told is not true, they called the accusations slander.
Bath trips
“Everything happened a little differently than Tanya describes. You live there for two weeks, sometimes you have to wash, this is logical. Therefore, at some point, Sergei Alexandrovich warmed up the bath. Girls came separately, in towels, steamed, washed, went out, separately boys. There was [nothing vulgar with open towels], no one was peeping,” one of the graduates said.
Another graduate denied the words in the Meduza article that the director bathed with girls, and said that he always bathed only with boys.
“About Tanya Karsten’s conversion, I can say that it really looks like some kind of wet teenage fantasy,” said another graduate.
"It's just impossible"
“I studied at this school for five years. I kept some contact with these people, so I have known them for almost seven years. And I think my opinion can hardly be called unfounded. For seven years of acquaintance, I still gained some experience of communication, and I can say that it was impossible, this is not true, this is slander, ”said the graduate.
“In general, there are a lot of us, people who believe that this is simply impossible,” a classmate supported the girl.
According to the interlocutors of the correspondent of the TV channel, there were no “wet kisses” either. Izyumov "chastely" and "fatherly" kissed girls at a meeting, shook hands with guys.
“These are not such people. With such people it would be impossible. Both Sergei Alexandrovich and Nikolai Mikhailovich are people of principle. They have some notions of honor, of principles, in general, some kind of moral principles. These are the people who raised us. They not only gave us knowledge, they taught us to defend our opinion, to be self-confident, to respect the work of others,” said one of the former students of the League of Schools.
“As far as I know, most of these people communicate closely with each other. For example, Irina Dmitrieva, who decided not to hide her name, communicated very well with Tanya Karsten. Izyumov and Bebchuk are punchy people, I think some of them could have conflict and resentment with accusers," the graduate said.
Recall, according to Meduza’s investigation, League of Schools students were sexually harassed by principal Sergei Bebchuk and his deputy Nikolai Izyumov. The school was closed in 2015 after a group of alumni and staff conducted their own investigation. They put forward demands for Bebchuk and Izyumov to quit and no longer work in the education system.
The Investigative Committee has begun an audit, and a member of the Federation Council, Elena Mizulina, intends to submit to the State Duma a bill providing for life punishment for child molestation.
Next news
- Cases of informal communication between children and teachers most often occur in closed schools.
- If in a closed group (school, university, etc.) the idea of the peculiarity of the group and the chosenness of students is promoted, this should alert parents.
- It is important to observe changes in the child's condition, to be aware of what is happening, to communicate with different members of the group, while maintaining a distance.
- If a child admits to having been abused, the crime should never be denied: this can further cripple the child.
The elite Moscow school "League of Schools" closed in 2014 due to bureaucratic delays. Two years later, the online publication Meduza published scandalous report Daniil Turovsky, in which this version is refuted. More than 20 former students of the school confessed that for 25 years the director of the school Sergei Bebchuk and his deputy Nikolay Izyumov sexually harassed students. The students gave an ultimatum: close the school or let's go to court.
The report raised a lot of questions. Why did the students only confess two years after the school closed? How could the other teachers be silent when they see what is going on in the school? Some attacked teachers with angry comments on the Web. Others are sure that the reportage is custom-made. Still others refuse to believe that teachers are capable of such things.
“First of all, the League of Schools has always been about a very good education,” she told us. psychologist, gestalt therapist Sonia Zege von Manteuffel. She has worked in this institution for 14 years, since 1999. - The "League" in its internal structure contradicted all the canons of post-Soviet education. In my memory, every year Bebchuk had to defend something - either the absence of diaries, or study trips and all sorts of bureaucratic cases. And every year it became more and more difficult. Therefore, those who now think that the school was closed because of the scandal, you should know: this is a lie. The "League of Schools" was "strangled" by educational reform.
Sergei Bebchuk on the air of Radio Liberty in 2014
As for relationships at school, they were different. Each teacher has their own relationship. Interests, likes. Therefore, hugging, the joy of meeting did not seem perverted and fake to me. As a psychologist, I did not see any sexual overtones in this. When the school lives as a single organism, closer communication between people is inevitable. More informal, confidential. And this was very much appreciated inside and somehow "strange" was perceived from the outside.
Of course, girls fell in love with teachers, not only those mentioned in the article. It is possible that the teachers also fell in love. But I cannot admit that it was for conscious sexual purposes. I am definitely biased, because I actually grew up in this school myself, I came there to work at the age of 26. I know about some stories for educational purposes. I admit that sometimes it is easier for a woman or a girl to show than to inspire morality about their safety.
Directly about the scandal - the story has been going on for about two years. I remember calling students and teachers and collecting "terrible" details. The purpose of this is not to stir up a scandal and "to protect children from the horrors of pedophiles." This is a good target. But where is the evidence? The ultimatum presented to the teachers is similar to blackmail: “You will leave, but we will not say, so as not to defame the League, promise that you will no longer approach the children ... Ah, come, well, we will stop you now ...” The way this information was collected and in what form they were served, it looked like a mass psychosis.
It is now difficult for me to look at the situation as an expert, there are too many attitudes and feelings towards the accused and accusers. I know one thing for sure - that this situation is traumatic for all the people of the League of Schools. And no one canceled the presumption of innocence.”
Sergei Bebchuk does not get in touch. But the deputy director, one of the accused by the students, Nikolai Izyumov, is sure that it is impossible to remain silent in this situation.
Deputy Director of the League of Schools Nikolay Izyumov
“I have a firm belief that this whole situation is fabricated,” Nikolai Izyumov told us. “First of all, we closed the school not because of the allegations. The students came to us with an ultimatum in December 2014. At that time, we were already preparing for the closure, because it became impossible to work. We were pressed by the prosecutors, the FSB, because we were always uncomfortable, adhered to liberal views. Therefore, when a group of students led by the head of the theater studio accused us of all mortal sins, we did not argue. It was impossible to talk to them: we were in shock, because all these people are our friends.
We said that we were closing the school anyway, asked us to give us six months. I quit because I couldn't work - heart problems started because of this situation. Teachers and students came to me every day. They knew about the terrible accusations and were outraged by the behavior of this group of people. Then the school closed, and everything seemed to be over. But two years later, this article appeared with accusations of pedophilia. Such accusations a few years later, in my opinion, are a desire for revenge. Just for what?
“Yes, with some of the teachers, the children could hug, but this is just a human relationship”
Probably many of those who blamed us could not forgive that they failed to convince others. After the school is closed, students come to visit me, continue to communicate with Sergey Alexandrovich (Bebchuk. - Ed.). I opened the Intellect Club, where I conduct online webinars, sometimes offline master classes. About the fact that it was customary at school for a student to kiss the teacher when entering the classroom is nonsense. This has never happened. Yes, the children could hug one of the teachers, but this is just a human relationship.
The story about Tanya Karston (the initiator of the showdown. - Approx. ed.) is monstrous. The girl was a very difficult child. I can’t say that she had a split personality, but she could talk about herself, for example, in the third person. She claims that Bebchuk harassed her in a bathhouse in a country house in Bobrovo (students often came to the director for additional classes on weekends. - Note ed.), while she later graduated from school, went on a hike with a man who allegedly came to her molested ... Why? This is some kind of nonsense. This whole story is at the level of the children's game "Believe it or not". They tell you something, and then you either accept it or not.
Izyumov turned to a lawyer two years ago. But he dissuaded him from applying. According to Izyumov, the lawyer argued the situation as follows: “If you don’t care about formal things, the possibility of further work at school, I don’t recommend you start - this will be a long-term process in which dirt will flow.” Izyumov assures: if the students sued, he would definitely take up the case.
We are not going to decide who is right and who is wrong. But we invite you to consider why known cases of violence are most often associated with closed communities, whether they be elite educational institutions or other associations of people.
A bit of history
The case with the League of Schools is by no means isolated. In August 2016, the Moscow school 57 was at the center of the scandal: a history teacher was accused of many years of sexual relations with students. The victims managed to collect evidence and get the teacher fired. True, the question of whether the other teachers and staff of the school really had no idea about anything remained unanswered.
The problem itself is by no means new: the only question is that victims of harassment have more opportunities to talk about what happened to them. What they are doing - including as part of a flash mob #I'm not afraid to say.
At the hands of abusers endowed with power, members of closed communities have suffered and are suffering - those in which their own rules and norms often reign, unusual and even unacceptable to an outside observer. So, the sexual abuse of children by Catholic priests was talked about back in the 1950s. In the 2000s, a loud scandal erupted, based on which the film “Spotlight” was shot in 2015.
Such stories are not limited by time or geographic boundaries. Since 1991, more than 200 former students from 67 New England (USA) private schools have accused teachers and staff members of sexual harassment.
Why is this happening? What is wrong with private schools and closed communities like them?
Why can there be cases of violence in a special school?
The smaller, more elite and “special” the educational institution, the closer the teachers are to the children. The smaller the distance between the teacher and the student, the more often the boundaries are erased. On the one hand, such an attitude of teachers towards students flatters parents: their children are not just taught, they are taken care of. How to create a safe environment in special schools where teachers are friends with students, read the article process therapist Olga Prokhorova "A romance between a teacher and a student is incest".
What should alert parents when choosing a school?
Every parent wants only the best for their child. Therefore, they are ready to give fabulous money and torture the child with preparation for passing exams, if only to arrange him in a closed educational institution for the elite (elite schools, circles, universities, etc.). It seems that education is better there. It is impossible to argue with this: the smaller the educational institution, the more attention the teachers pay to each student. But there is also the other side of the coin.
Psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya sees closed groups as dysfunctional—groups that at some point take more from their members than they give to them. The main goal of such a group is to protect their status, for the sake of which a system of abuse (use) is built.
Petranovskaya identifies signs that should alert parents. If you notice at least three, it's time to sound the alarm.
You should be alert:
...if the members of the group (circle) consider themselves elected. If this chosenness guarantees success, career, victories, communication at a high level. If the group has its own rules, and the usual ones do not apply to it. “To be chosen is flattering and pleasant. This creates dependence on the group. The person loses his criticality. A basis is being formed for closeness and for justifying abuse.
...if the leaders of the circle are trusted more than themselves. The Founding Fathers, the Leaders, the Elders, among the chosen ones are even more chosen ones who know everything and do everything right. Their authority is indisputable, they are smart, modest and selfless, with any question, doubt and complaint, you need to go to them. - Ordinary members of the group are explicitly or implicitly removed from decision-making. The subjectivity is already almost transferred, the hook is driven deep.
...if the group believes that being elected is not only pleasant, but also difficult. Therefore, its members must: work hard, constantly develop, pass all new levels, neglect family and loved ones, invest strength, invest money, tighten their belts and not complain (underline as necessary). - Usually, tests begin already upon admission to the group: you need to prove your “chosenness”. The higher the "entry price", the lower the chance to leave without serious consequences. Members begin to be prepared to give more than they receive and serve the group.
...if the members of the circle are sure that they are envied. They don’t like us and they want to destroy our group, because they envy us, they don’t like the smart, they don’t like the beautiful, they don’t like the righteous, they don’t like our nationality, they don’t like our faith, they want to take our place, they want unconditional power, but we interfere. - Closeness is finally fixed, outside - enemies, let's rally ranks, we live according to the laws of wartime, what are internal borders and human rights.
...if criticism of the circle is unacceptable. It is based on: rumors and speculation, exaggeration and distortion, a distorted perception of inadequate people, the deliberate lies of haters, a carefully thought-out conspiracy who want to destroy us (underline as necessary). – The necessary foundation for moving on to the next point, the complete shutdown of criticality and feedback.
...if those who talk about the problems of the circle are considered traitors. All problems must be solved within the circle, and those who "take dirty linen out of the hut" - traitors, informers, ungrateful, out of their minds, want to promote themselves, puppets in the hands of enemies. There is a demonstrative persecution and expulsion of the "traitor" with the participation of the entire group. – Conditions for unpunished abuse have been created. On whom the ice rink will pass, and who will be forced to be a skating rink is a matter of chance.
Do you still want to send your child to such a group? Then weigh the pros and cons. “Risks can negate everything you get,” continues Lyudmila Petranovskaya. - Why a brilliant education for someone who is in a protracted depression? If there are more pluses, consider how you will control the situation and what you will do at a critical moment. Watch for changes in the child's condition, try to keep abreast of what is happening, communicate with different members of the group, while maintaining a distance.
Members of the group consider themselves elected. This chosenness guarantees success, career, victories, communication at a high level. The group has its own rules.
If your child is already in such a group, what should you do?
“The main thing is not to criticize or scold the group and its leaders,” continues Lyudmila Petranovskaya. - The more you criticize, the more the child moves away from you and goes into the group. Try to maintain relations by any means, to preserve what unites you and your child, what pleases both of you. Your child will need your support when he has to leave the group (and this moment will come anyway). The child will be ill and will cope. If you suspect something criminal, be prepared to fight. Do not leave it just like that, even if the child is already safe. Think about other children.
If you are a member of such a group. Raise the conversation about principles, rules, priorities. Insist on transparent decision-making procedures, try to remain critical, and in discussions point out and question the paranoid “we are always right, that’s why they don’t like us” pictures. No "absorption without a trace." No "loyalty to the end". Be critical of the leaders of the group - signs of adoration for their team, especially if they play along with this, even pretending to be modest, should alert.
If for you this ends in conflict and expulsion from the group, then the sooner this happens, the better, the less your losses will be.
And further. If you suspect that the group is formally or informally run by a sociopath and there is no chance of changing this, leave immediately. If you have the strength, criticize from outside, help the victims and the expelled.”
How to protect children from such a group?
The most pressing question for all parents is how to protect the child, how not to overlook?
“There is no general recipe,” he believes, “It is impossible to fire all enthusiastic teachers from schools and leave only boring and boring ones, to whom children will definitely not reach out. Therefore, carefully monitor the situation. Most often, elite and closed schools are games primarily for parents. It is they who want the child to study there, it is they who are afraid that he will be expelled because of a scandal or that the prestigious school will be closed. But what you can’t do is brush off the words of the child or blame him. Take what he says seriously. Trust him by default. You need to figure it out in any case, even if it's just a fantasy. As for the Yasenev story, in my opinion, it is much harder than in the 57th, where we are talking about younger teenagers. And the consequences for children and educators could be more serious.”
"Main rule: school should not replace the family, says psychotherapist Irina Mlodik.- When this happens, the family ceases to fulfill its function. And then you should not expect close relationships or frankness from the child. Having replaced the family with a school, the child gets used to such a system of relations and will transfer it later to work, trying to build a family in the team.
Second rule- the child should feel protected in the family, know that he will always be supported, understood, accepted.
Third- the rule should be promoted in the family: the body is sacred. You need to set clear personal boundaries - you can not wash the child or hug and kiss without his consent. Remember how at family meetings, if a child dodges kisses with relatives, he is shamed: it's your uncle, kiss him. So it is impossible to say categorically. The child is free to decide whom to kiss. Much depends on the parents - if everything is in order with their sexuality and sex life and they do not transfer it to the child, then the attitude towards the body will be correct.
How to react to parents if the child admitted that he was molested?
If your child comes in with a confession of sexual harassment or sexual abuse, the key is not to brush it off, but to listen. What else needs to be done and how not to react in such a situation? The psychotherapist Irina Mlodik explains.
How to react?
- First and foremost, you must at least believe the child. Do not say - "You make everything up." Do not laugh at him, do not laugh it off, do not blame the child, do not shame, do not frighten - "What a nightmare, how could you (could)"!
Parents who react this way can also be understood - someone cannot accept the terrible truth because they love their child too much or are afraid to admit their failure as a parent, someone perceives the teacher as a person incapable of bad actions, after all, we are many years old this is taught at school - the teacher is the main and infallible authority, and we do not understand that this is just a person and he can be sick, problematic. It is easier for parents to hide, to brush aside. But this cannot be done. - Don't deny the problem, even if it's really just a child's fantasy. Such fantasies do not just happen. This is a bad sign. A symptom that the child has some kind of hidden problem in relations with the teacher or study, the team. If a child acts out violence on someone, this may not necessarily mean sexual abuse, but any symbolic one. In any case, the psychologist will determine whether the child invents or not.
- Ask the child how it was, when, how often, who else participated or saw it, whether it was only with your child or not.
- Immediately go to the school administration to understand.
- Do not be afraid that by publicizing the case, you will injure the child. No, you are protecting him. The psyche of a teenager will suffer much more if his offender remains unpunished, and the crime itself remains unnamed. If you dismiss your child's words, he will assume that every adult has the right to do this to him, that his body does not belong to him, that anyone can encroach on him.
Not to mention the consequences of sexual trauma, they are very serious and can cripple your child's life. These traumas are very deep and can manifest later in the form of severe depression, drug use, alcohol, suicide, difficult personal and sexual relationships, inability to create a couple, family, inability to love yourself and your own children. You are causing irreparable injury to the child by not talking about what happened. Think about what is more important for you - not to lose a prestigious school or not to lose a child?
Text: Dina Babaeva, Yulia Tarasenko, Marina Velikanova
