It happens that everything seems to be fine in life, but you don’t experience a feeling of happiness or euphoria from anything, in the morning you don’t want to open your eyes, go to work, talk with loved ones ... What to do about it?
Remember how Gogol said: “This morning I drank coffee without taste”? If you feel that you are in a bad mood, you want to lie at home and do nothing, you don’t want to go to work, you don’t want to love, even your appetite is lost, then you have a problem.
Michael, but it's so hard to find something that satisfies us 100%. You can do what you love for a penny or get a lot of money and get bored at work. How to be then?
If you are already in your 116th novel, and you are getting worse and worse, then the problem is not in men, but in you. Or you have already changed your tenth job, but you still don’t like it: you are not satisfied with the salary, conditions, boss, colleagues. You have a problem!
In general, in order to find something of your dreams (not just a job, but the person of your dreams, even your dream shoes) and live as you want, do what you like, you just need to stop being afraid. As long as you are afraid, your dream is doomed to failure.
Let's imagine that I'm ready for something new and I'm not afraid of anything. How then to find exactly the right person you need?
The first person you want to love is in your head. As long as you have a conflict with yourself in your head, all loved ones will not be very loved. And most importantly, you don't really need them. Therefore, you must first establish harmony with yourself - after that, the necessary people will reach out on their own.
If I understand that it is very difficult to change something in life, but at the same time I feel as unsatisfied as possible from everything that happens, how can I force myself to start changing something?
Maybe the well-known survey of people who were on the verge of death, which was conducted in hospices, will help. They were asked what they regret the most, and they all gave the same answer: that they did not live the way they wanted.
And here everyone needs to stop for a minute and think: what if there is no tomorrow? Maybe this will inspire you to change something in your life.
You said that the feeling of loneliness comes from childhood and most often those who are either overloaded by their parents or those who were not given proper attention become lonely.
Can you give advice to parents on how to properly distribute the load, how much time should children study and how much time should parents devote to a child?
There is no specific plan for the interaction of parents and children, which everyone must adhere to and strictly follow.
Therefore, I’ll say this: you don’t need to feed children under cartoons, you don’t need to load them with classes all the time so that they don’t have free time.
Don't give your kids a schedule. Let them have the opportunity to plan their own time. For example, give them about 2 hours each day to keep themselves occupied.
Limit your time on gadgets - no more than 1.5 hours on a weekday and no more than 4 hours on weekends.
Books or lectures on education can help build your own line of behavior with a child, or should it be laid down, as they say, by nature?
You know, sometimes it helps. If parents go to lectures, read special literature, it means that they have a reasonable approach to education and are interested in their children.
In addition, how can a young nulliparous woman know the features, for example, the period of breastfeeding, early childhood, and so on, if not from books?
All this helps to better understand your children and treat them correctly.
I wouldn't trade one for the other. Yes, there is a lot of literature and lectures, but everyone in the family has their own problem, for which you need to find a topic that suits you. So both are useful.
It seems that only women turn to you for help. Do men have problems?
There are, of course, many. In fact, only 60% of my patients are women, the remaining 40% are men.
What worries them most when they arrive?
Men are concerned about only two things: personal problems associated with depression, neurosis, and relationship problems when relationships with the opposite sex do not add up. But women have a greater range of problems: relationships with men, children, their own disorder, and so on.
By the way, about the disorder. Despite the fact that a woman has long been able to occupy leadership positions, part of society believes that her place is at the stove and she should be completely subordinate to a man. What is your opinion on this matter?
A woman doesn't owe anything to anyone. If she obeys, she will not be loved for it. Moreover, I am convinced that a woman must earn money in order to be independent from a man.
If she earns, a weak man will crawl away, since she will be too tough for him, but a strong one will be pleased and cause a sense of respect.
Work gives a woman a certain freedom. If a woman does not earn money, the “adult-child” game starts, where the man plays the role of a parent who also gives money. A woman runs to him with torn boots and says: “I need new ones!” And he answered: “No, no, now we’ll take it to the workshop and swear it for another season.”
The man knows that she has nowhere to go, he is the master of the situation. Such men are not confident in themselves and thereby try to control a woman, forcing her not to work. In the end, everything ends with reproaches that he feeds her and does good.
You know, they say differently: if a woman is strong and earns money herself, it will be very difficult for her to find a husband.
Yes, it will be difficult for a successful woman to find a husband to match herself. I often hear about such problems. Because wealthy women do not need men who are completely unsuccessful and earn less than they do. After all, they will not even be able to relax together, not to mention the rest.
Then another problem arises: a businesswoman found a man, gave birth to a child, but she still has a desire for a career, she is not going to become a housewife. What to do?
Do not kill yourself either at home or at work, but simply live, earn money and simultaneously take care of children - all without fanaticism.
Often women, because they are afraid to be alone, endure trouble from their husbands without showing emotions, without expressing their desires. What can this lead to?
To two options: either she will be exchanged for a more successful woman with self-respect, or they, completely unhappy, hobble to old age. And the most interesting thing is that in old age a woman gets so used to this format of relationships that she will consider them normal.
Very often, women cannot end relationships that do not bring them joy, and instead come up with a bunch of excuses. What's stopping them?
In fact, fear and the need for suffering interfere. And excuses are attempts to convince yourself why she does not leave (no money, no job, no apartment, there are children, etc.). In fact, she just likes such relationships, she is used to them and does not know others.
Here the only way to deal with what is happening in the head is to go to a psychologist. In principle, I am convinced that if a person has an internal conflict and he cannot solve it himself, it is necessary to contact a psychologist.
Mikhail Labkovsky, a well-known expert on a happy life, became a special guest of the event. He talked about the fact that for a full-fledged happy life, a person needs to allow himself pleasant moments based on the desire to do what you want, and not just what you need. The brand calls such moments STAXmoments.
Lay's STAX ® is the brand's new chips in the premium product category. The concept of their creation is based on the principle of pleasure, which is reflected in the convenient form of slices, the original design and optimal size of the package, the unique cooking technology and, of course, the amazing tastes of Lay's STAX ® - all in order to enhance the pleasure of a pleasant pastime. On the Russian market, chips are presented in the four most popular flavors among buyers: "Green Onion", "With Salt", "Sour Cream and Onion", "Crab".
“Our brand philosophy is very simple - we want to make simple pleasures, such as meeting loved ones, watching your favorite movies on cozy evenings or walking in the fresh air, even more enjoyable. We call these pleasures #STAXmoments. And we are absolutely sure that there should be more such moments in our lives, because they make our emotional state better and life happier,” comments Elena Kirsanova, senior brand manager at Lay’s.
The philosophy of Lay's STAX ® turned out to be close to the expert position of the leading speaker of the public talk, Mikhail Labkovsky. One of the main rules of a happy life according to his author's method is unconditional adherence to one's desires. It is this approach to everyday life, according to the expert, that will enrich it with pleasant moments and fill it with real pleasure.
“Permanent restrictions due to following social stereotypes make our life hard and deprive it of even the simplest pleasures. Therefore, many people are not able to feel pleasant moments in a series of days and events, to get joy from life, - Mikhail Labkovsky explains. - You should not be afraid to live by the rule - do what you like, choose what you love. After all, a life full of pleasant moments is a happy life.
The true connoisseur of simple pleasures - singer and TV presenter Anton Lavrentiev shared the secrets of personal #STAXmoments. For the ex-host of the program “Eagle and tails. Shopping" pleasant moments are a regular and integral part of life, no matter in which part of the world it is located and how big its workload is.
“My life principle is to allow myself to follow my desires and bring pleasant moments into everyday life as often as possible,” says Anton Lavrentiev. - During the filming of the program “Eagle and Tails. Shopping ”I have developed a whole ritual of simple pleasure, which I continue to follow regularly to this day - after a hard day, I sit in a comfortable chair, take a pack of delicious chips and read a book or watch a movie. You could say this is my personal and very enjoyable #STAXmoment.”
According to the selling price of the manufacturer Frito Lay Manufacturing LLC, in comparison with other chips of the manufacturer.
This principle works almost everywhere, including careers and businesses. Result: people ask for war and they get it. From the moment she is in your bed. And even after that.
Why do men choose moves and tactics instead of just relaxing and being themselves?
A confident man will not "win" anyone
Frame from the film "The Wolf of Wall Street"
I'll start from afar. At one of my lectures, a woman coach was present in the hall. She raised her hand and asked a question: “Mikhail, here I am giving lectures, just like you, but I always have to prove to them that I am not a bear. I am under constant stress because I feel that clients do not trust me. I'm always thinking of ways to win that trust, but nothing helps. How to be?
The point is that you are fighting with your customers. You have a kind of confrontation. But not me. I love the audience and it doesn't occur to me to fight it.
We get defensive when we feel insecure. It begins to seem to us that there are enemies all around. This is the result. When it comes to intimate relationships, then the fear of being rejected, humiliated, insulted works here.
We get defensive when we feel insecure
In women, this fear is also present in no less quantity. Hence all these games of "inaccessibility". All these messages, such as "conquer me." Only now a self-confident man is not going to “win” anyone. And the insecure is quickly drawn into this game. He begins to court, call, show signs of attention in order to "win" in the end and get "access to the body."
After this victory, he naturally disappears. Not because I got what I wanted, I was physically satisfied. And because there is no point in fighting anymore, the “victory”, as it seems to him, he has already won, there is nothing to waste any more time on.
But, for a moment, isn’t it a shame for a man that they didn’t want him “for no reason”? For the fact that he is such a person, with such a set of qualities? No, he was "accepted" to bed for some actions, deeds.
These are all the boys who were hugged and praised by their parents for their achievements. Who are rarely heard to be wonderful in their own right. These boys become men physically, but nothing changes in their brains - they still win favor through some kind of action, and without it - nothing.
Because of the complexes, we lose real pleasure.
Shot from the film "Cote d'Azur"
Go ahead. There are men who really need these bed “victories”. Their self-esteem directly depends on the number of sexual partners, because they simply do not have faith in themselves. Do women "give" them? So they are worthy. And if they are denied, then there is nothing to respect themselves for.
And the funny thing is that in the paradigm of such men, girls have exactly the same problems. If they meet a self-confident lady who immediately says what she wants, does not play games and (and not after flowers, dates and gifts), they immediately write her down as “cheap”. But a girl with a problematic psychology, who portrays a one-man theater with this very “win me” - that's a worthy woman, innocence and purity itself. Your league, so to speak.
Self-affirming through the bed, the complexes do not go anywhere, but only grow like a snowball
It turns out sadly, because both men and women, due to low self-esteem, deprive themselves of banal pleasure as a result. Moreover, this is not the only thing: asserting itself over and over again through the bed, the complexes do not go anywhere, but only grow like a snowball. Relationships with women become complex and confusing because they started out with complexity and confusion in the first place. And it has no end.
Be yourself and don't run after anyone
Shot from the movie "Particularly Dangerous"
The only way to end this is to really stop chasing women. Did she say no? Okay, so no. A self-confident man, after the first refusal, calmly moves on. And yet - he is not afraid to approach any girl he likes and hear this refusal. Because his self-esteem does not depend on women at all. And he will not play stupid games, he is not her psychotherapist to serve the complexes.
And yes, everyone has the right to be disliked. Just like that, regardless of complexes. He is blond, and she likes brown hair. It's okay, it doesn't characterize a man in any way.
And yes, everyone has the right not to like another just like that.
And by the way, women really love confident men. Not in the sense that he is out the door, but he climbs out the window. And the fact that a self-confident person does not fight with anyone in principle. He is not interested at all.
I will have a lecture on sex and self-esteem in St. Petersburg and Tallinn. Come solo or with your women, we have a lot to talk about.
2. The feeling of security that a child should receive in childhood is the most important condition for his future mental health and life without neuroses.
But what kind of security can we talk about if the parents are unpredictably aggressive or predictably negative? They are always bad. The atmosphere in the family is the expectation of a catastrophe. Something has to happen right now. If you fall, you break, you get poisoned, you die from an infection, “you get hit by a KAMAZ truck, it will smear you on the asphalt”, you don’t go to college - you will work as a loader in Pyaterochka.
Here they are - "small" psychotraumas! Their cause is not necessarily a hot iron or incest. Negative remarks hurt deeper due to the fact that they are constantly repeated. You know, there are European tortures - racking, beatings, and there are Chinese ones, when an immobilized person, for example, is tickled with a feather until he goes crazy. There is the same difference here.
Mikhail Labkovsky Pulse-uk.org.uk
3. Most of the psychotrauma occurs at the age of 3 to 5 years.
4. One-time psychotrauma is when: the child was left in a dark room and he was frightened; he spilled boiling water on himself; mom and dad got divorced; grandmother's funeral and other ordinary everyday stories, including violence - mental, physical, sexual.
5. There are recurring psychotraumas when a child lives among neurotics who suffer every day or behave aggressively, unpredictably, insecurely, etc. Or in a kindergarten or school they bully him, offend him, that is, a recurring situation.
6. Not all children react the same way to trauma. One child's psyche may be stronger, the other weaker. In someone, a serious tragedy leaves no trace, but someone is traumatized for life by the death of a kitten.
Once I had to explain to a 7-year-old child what divorce is to help him cope with a psychological trauma. I speak:
What grade are you in?
- In the first.
- Do you like any of the girls?
- Yes. Lisa.
- Did you go to kindergarten?
- Did you meet Lisa there?
- No, I had Lena there.
- Where is she now?
- I'll explain to you! I'm already at school, how do I know where Lena is?
- Here. And dad has to live with your mother all his life, right?
And then he stopped crying, interrupted the reception, went out to his parents, who were waiting in the corridor and said: I understand everything, let's go ...
7. Stability, comfort, trust - this is what children should receive from their parents in the first place. If parents behave aggressively, humiliate, criticize the child, then, naturally, his confidence in life in general and in people in particular is undermined. I have one friend who says specifically: I hate people. Picks up dogs, cats, And it is clear why: the animals did not betray her, but her father betrayed her.
8. A lot of people suffer from communication problems: it is difficult for them to approach another, say something, convey their thoughts and emotions, and as a result, it is difficult to realize themselves. And why? But because they were already approaching a drunken mother at the age of 4, and she spoke unequivocally both about the inappropriateness of the children's question, and about the inappropriateness of the child himself in this world. And she did it many times. Now the boy is 30, and it is clear that he does not even think about confidential communication with anyone.
9. Psychotrauma primarily forms a feeling of fear and anxiety, which results in phobias, panic attacks and distrust of people.
10. If we take a complete family, but neurotic, and a family without a father, then from a psychological point of view, the second is definitely preferable.
11. Yes, the roots of many problems come from childhood. But parents are who they are. They raised you the best way they could. You can't change them, you have to change yourself! - rewrite the children's script, grow out of it.
12. If you
- incapable of trusting anyone;
- you do not know how to express your feelings;
- emotionally depressed (“I can’t fall in love”, “I don’t feel anything”);
- you cannot realize yourself either in the family or in the profession;
- do not want (or are afraid) to have children;
- you have a tendency to depression, etc.
perhaps all these are the consequences of childhood psychotrauma.
It is important for me that you know that you do not have to pay for your unhappy childhood all your life. And we can fix almost everything.
On February 9, a public talk "The Art of Simple Pleasures" was held in Moscow. Mikhail Labkovsky became a special guest of the event, during which he shared with those present what the key to a happy life is: you need to allow yourself to do what you want. And the popular singer and TV presenter Anton Lavrentiev advised how to bring these pleasant STAXmoments into your life. The meeting was organized by Lay's STAX brand.
Mikhail Labkovsky
It is no coincidence that Mikhail Labkovsky, a well-known expert on a happy life, became a guest of public talk Lay's STAX. He fully shares the philosophy of the brand of potato chips: the simple pleasures of life, like watching your favorite movie or meeting with loved ones, should be made even more pleasant. It is on such small but necessary moments that our emotional state depends, so there should be as many of them as possible.
An important rule of a happy life according to the author's method of Mikhail Labkovsky is to always follow your desires.
In his opinion, we constantly adhere to social stereotypes and various restrictions, and this affects us badly. Thus, we are deprived of many simple pleasures and do not experience the necessary joy.
“You need not be afraid to live by the rule - do what you like, choose what you love. After all, a life full of pleasant moments is a happy life,” Mikhail Labkovsky explains.
Anton Lavrentiev
Singer and TV presenter Anton Lavrentiev also took part in the public talk. An important principle of his life is to follow his desires in order to dilute everyday life with moments of pleasure as often as possible. During the filming of the program “Eagle and Tails. Shopping” Anton Lavrentiev got a kind of ritual, which he still performs.
“After a hard day, I sit in a comfortable chair, take a pack of delicious chips and read a book or watch a movie. We can say that this is my personal and very pleasant #STAXmoment,” said Anton Lavrentiev.
Mikhail Labkovsky and Anton Lavrentiev
The new Lay's STAX chips are a premium product. As in the philosophy of the brand, so in the concept of creating these chips lies the principle - to make life more pleasant. Delicious convenient slices and original, bright packaging of Lay's STAX only increase the pleasure of any event.
In Russia, chips are presented in several flavors: "Green Onion", "With Salt", "Sour Cream and Onion", "Crab".
