Funny funny stories for kids. Funny stories for schoolchildren

This year, guys, I turned forty years old. So, it turns out that I saw the Christmas tree forty times. It's a lot!

Well, for the first three years of his life, he probably did not understand what a Christmas tree was. Manerno, my mother carried me on the handles. And probably, with my black little eyes, I looked at the painted tree without interest.

And when I, children, hit five years old, I already perfectly understood what a Christmas tree is.

And I was looking forward to this happy holiday. And even in the crack of the door I peeped how my mother decorates the Christmas tree.

And my sister Lelya was seven years old at that time. And she was an exceptionally lively girl.

She once told me:

When I was little, I really liked ice cream.

Of course, I still love him. But then it was something special - I loved ice cream so much.

And when, for example, an ice cream man was driving down the street with his cart, I immediately felt dizzy: before that I wanted to eat what the ice cream man was selling.

And my sister Lelya also exclusively loved ice cream.

I had a grandmother. And she loved me very dearly.

She came to visit us every month and gave us toys. And in addition, she brought with her a whole basket of cakes.

Of all the cakes, she let me choose the one I liked.

And my older sister Lelya was not very fond of my grandmother. And didn't let her choose the cakes. She herself gave her what she had. And because of this, my little sister Lelya whimpered every time and was more angry with me than with my grandmother.

One fine summer day, my grandmother came to our country house.

She arrived at the cottage and is walking through the garden. She holds a basket of cakes in one hand and a purse in the other.

I studied for a very long time. Then there were high schools. And the teachers then put marks in the diary for each lesson asked. They put some score - from five to one inclusive.

And I was very small when I entered the gymnasium, the preparatory class. I was only seven years old.

And I still didn’t know anything about what happens in gymnasiums. And for the first three months, I literally walked in a fog.

And then one day the teacher told us to memorize a poem:

The moon is merrily shining over the village,

White snow sparkles with a blue light ...

My parents loved me very dearly when I was little. And they gave me many gifts.

But when I got sick with something, my parents literally then showered me with gifts.

And for some reason, I often fell ill. Mainly mumps or tonsillitis.

And my sister Lelya almost never fell ill. And she was jealous that I got sick so often.

She said:

Just wait, Minka, I’ll also fall ill somehow, so our parents, too, I suppose will start buying everything for me.

But, as luck would have it, Lelya did not get sick. And only once, putting a chair by the fireplace, she fell and broke her forehead. She groaned and moaned, but instead of the expected gifts, she received several spanks from our mother, because she put a chair to the fireplace and wanted to get her mother's watch, and this was forbidden.

One day, Lelya and I took a candy box and put a frog and a spider in it.

Then we wrapped this box in clean paper, tied it with a chic blue ribbon, and put this package on the panel opposite our garden. As if someone was walking and lost their purchase.

Putting this package near the cabinet, Lelya and I hid in the bushes of our garden and, choking with laughter, began to wait for what would happen.

And here comes the passer-by.

When he sees our package, he, of course, stops, rejoices and even rubs his hands with pleasure. Still: he found a box of chocolates - this is not so often the case in this world.

With bated breath, Lelya and I are watching what will happen next.

The passer-by bent down, took the package, quickly untied it, and, seeing the beautiful box, was even more delighted.

When I was six years old, I didn't know that the Earth was spherical.

But Styopka, the master's son, with whose parents we lived in the dacha, explained to me what land is. He said:

The earth is a circle. And if everything goes straight, you can go around the whole Earth and still come to the very place where you came from.

When I was little, I really liked to have dinner with adults. And my sister Lelya also loved such dinners no less than I did.

First, a variety of food was placed on the table. And this aspect of the matter particularly fascinated me and Lelya.

Secondly, adults each time told interesting facts from their lives. And this amused Lelya and me.

Of course, the first time we were quiet at the table. But then they got bolder. Lelya began to interfere in conversations. Chattered endlessly. And I, too, sometimes interjected my comments.

Our remarks made the guests laugh. And mom and dad at first were even pleased that the guests see such our mind and such our development.

But then this is what happened at one dinner.

Dad's boss started telling some incredible story about how he saved a fireman.

Petya was not such a small boy. He was four years old. But his mother considered him a very tiny child. She fed him with a spoon, took him for a walk by the hand and in the morning she dressed him.

Once Petya woke up in his bed. And my mother began to dress him. So she dressed him and put him on his legs near the bed. But Petya suddenly fell. Mom thought he was naughty, and again put him on his feet. But he fell again. Mom was surprised and put him near the crib for the third time. But the child fell again.

Mom got scared and called dad on the phone at the service.

She told dad

Come home soon. Something happened to our boy - he can't stand on his legs.

When the war began, Kolya Sokolov could count to ten. Of course, it's not enough to count to ten, but there are children who can't even count to ten.

For example, I knew one little girl, Lyalya, who only counted to five. And what did she think? She said, "One, two, four, five." And missed three. Is this account! This is downright ridiculous.

No, such a girl is unlikely to be a researcher or professor of mathematics in the future. Most likely, she will be a housekeeper or a junior janitor with a broom. Since she is so incapable of numbers.

Zoshchenko's stories

When in the distant years Mikhail Zoshchenko wrote his famous children's stories, then he didn’t think at all that everyone would laugh at cocky boys and girls. The writer wanted to help children become good people. Series " Zoshchenko's stories for children"corresponds to the school curriculum of literary education for the lower grades of the school. It is primarily addressed to children who are between the ages of seven and eleven and includes Zoshchenko's stories variety of themes, trends and genres.

Here we have collected wonderful Zoshchenko's children's stories, read which is a great pleasure, because Mikhail Makhalovich was a true master of the word. The stories of M Zoshchenko are filled with kindness, the writer unusually vividly managed to depict children's characters, the atmosphere of the youngest years, filled with naivety and purity.

Interesting, surprising and funny stories for elementary and middle school students. Interesting stories from school life

As I sat under the desk. Author: Viktor Golyavkin

As soon as the teacher turned to the blackboard, and I once - and under the desk. When the teacher notices that I have disappeared, he will be terribly surprised, probably.

I wonder what he'll think? He will start asking everyone where I have gone - that will be laughter! Half a lesson has already passed, and I'm still sitting. “When,” I think, “will he see that I am not in the class?” And it's hard to sit under the desk. My back even hurt. Try to sit like this! I coughed - no attention. I can't sit anymore. Moreover, Seryozhka pokes me in the back with his foot all the time. I couldn't stand it. Didn't make it to the end of the lesson. I get out and say:

— Excuse me, Pyotr Petrovich...

The teacher asks:

- What's the matter? Do you want to board?

- No, excuse me, I was sitting under the desk ...

- Well, how is it comfortable to sit there, under the desk? You were very quiet today. That's the way it's always been in class.

Who is surprised. Author: Viktor Golyavkin

Tanya is not surprised by anything. She always says: "That's not surprising!" Even if it's surprising. Yesterday, in front of everyone, I jumped over such a puddle ... No one could jump over, but I jumped over! Everyone was surprised, except Tanya.

“Think! So what? It's not surprising!"

I tried my best to surprise her. But he couldn't be surprised. No matter how much I tried.

I hit a sparrow from a slingshot.

He learned to walk on his hands, to whistle with one finger in his mouth.

She saw it all. But she wasn't surprised.

I tried my best. What I didn't do! He climbed trees, walked without a hat in winter ...

She wasn't surprised at all.

And one day I just went out into the yard with a book. Sat down on a bench. And began to read.

I didn't even see Tanya. And she says:

- Marvelous! That would not have thought! He reads!

Carousel in the head. Author: Viktor Golyavkin

By the end of the school year, I asked my father to buy me a two-wheeled bicycle, a battery-powered submachine gun, a battery-powered airplane, a flying helicopter, and table hockey.

“I really want to have these things!” - I said to my father. - They are constantly spinning in my head like a carousel, and this makes my head spin so much that it is difficult to keep on my feet.

“Hold on,” said the father, “don’t fall and write all these things on a piece of paper for me so that I don’t forget.”

“But why write, they are already firmly in my head.

“Write,” said the father, “it doesn’t cost you anything.”

“In general, it’s worth nothing,” I said, “only an extra hassle.” And I wrote in large letters on the whole sheet:

WILISAPET

GUN-GUN

VIRTALET

Then I thought about it and decided to write “ice cream” again, went to the window, looked at the sign opposite and added:

ICE CREAM

Father read and says:

- I'll buy you ice cream for now, and wait for the rest.

I thought he had no time now, and I ask:

— Until what time?

- Until better times.

- Until what?

Until next year ends.

- Why?

- Yes, because the letters in your head are spinning like a carousel, this makes you dizzy, and the words are not on their feet.

It's like words have legs!

And I've already bought ice cream a hundred times.

Do you know that literature is not only for education and moralizing? Literature - it happens for laughter. And laughter is the most favorite thing for children, after sweets, of course. We have compiled for you a selection of the most fun children's books that will be of interest to even the oldest children, grandparents. These books are perfect for family reading. Which, in turn, is ideal for family leisure. Read and laugh!

Narine Abgaryan - "Manyunya"

“Manya and I, despite the strict prohibition of our parents, often ran away to the junk dealer’s house and fiddled with his children. We imagined ourselves as teachers and drilled the unfortunate kids as best we could. Uncle Slavik's wife did not interfere in our games, on the contrary, she approved.

- All the same, there is no government for children, - she said, - so at least you calm them down.

Since admitting to Ba that we picked up lice from the children of a junk dealer was like death, we were silent in a rag.

When Ba finished with me, Manka squealed thinly:

“Aaaaah, am I really going to be that scary too?”

- Well, why scary? - Ba grabbed Manka and imperiously nailed him to a wooden bench. “You might think that all your beauty is in your hair,” and she cut off a large curl from Mankina’s crown.

I ran into the house to look at myself in the mirror. The spectacle that opened my eyes plunged me into horror - I was short and unevenly cut, and on the sides of my head with two perky leaves of burdock my ears stood up! I burst into bitter tears - never, never in my life have I had such ears!

— Narineeee?! Ba's voice reached me. - It's good to admire your typhoid physiognomy, run here, better admire Manya!

I trudged into the yard. Manyuni's tear-stained face appeared from behind the mighty back of Baba Rosa. I swallowed loudly - Manka looked incomparable, even more whippy than me: at least both tips of my ears stuck out equidistantly from the skull, with Manka they were at odds - one ear was neatly pressed to the head, and the other belligerently bristled to the side!

- Well, - Ba looked at us with satisfaction, - Gena and Cheburashka are pure crocodile!

Valery Medvedev - "Barankin, be a man!"

When everyone sat down and there was silence in the class, Zinka Fokina shouted:

- Oh, guys! It's just some misfortune! The new academic year has not yet begun, and Barankin and Malinin have already managed to get two deuces! ..

A terrible noise immediately arose in the classroom again, but individual cries, of course, could be made out.

- In such conditions, I refuse to be the editor-in-chief of the wall newspaper! (This was said by Era Kuzyakina.) - And they also promised that they would improve! (Mishka Yakovlev.) - Unfortunate drones! Last year they were nursed, and again all over again! (Alik Novikov.) - Call the parents! (Nina Semyonova.) - Only our class is dishonored! (Irka Pukhova.) - We decided to do everything “good” and “excellent”, and here you are! (Ella Sinitsyna.) - Shame on Barankin and Malinin!! (Ninka and Irka together.) - Yes, kick them out of our school, and that's it!!! (Erka Kuzyakina.) "Okay, Erka, I'll remember this phrase for you."

After these words, everyone yelled with one voice, so loudly that it was completely impossible for Kostya and me to make out who and what was thinking about us, although from individual words it was possible to catch that Kostya Malinin and I were blockheads, parasites, drones! Once again, fools, loafers, egoists! And so on! Etc!..

What annoyed me and Kostya most of all was that Venka Smirnov was yelling the loudest. Whose cow, as they say, would moo, but his would be silent. This Venka's performance last year was even worse than that of Kostya and me. Therefore, I could not stand it and also screamed.

- Redhead, - I shouted at Venka Smirnov, - why are you yelling the loudest of all? If you were the first to be called to the board, you would not get a deuce, but a unit! So shut up in a rag.

- Oh, you, Barankin, - Venka Smirnov yelled at me, - I'm not against you, I'm yelling for you! What am I trying to say, guys!.. I say: you can’t immediately call to the blackboard after the holidays. It is necessary that we first come to our senses after the holidays ...

Christine Nestlinger - "Down with the Cucumber King!"

“I didn’t think: it can’t be! I didn’t even think: well, the jester - you can die from laughter! Nothing came to my mind at all. Well, nothing! Huber Yo, my friend, says in such cases: closure in the convolutions! Perhaps the best thing I remember is how my dad said “no” three times. The first time is very loud. The second is normal and the third is barely audible.

Dad likes to say: "If I said no, then no." But now his "no" did not make the slightest impression. Not-that-pumpkin-not-that-cucumber continued to sit on the table as if nothing had happened. He folded his hands on his stomach and repeated: "King Kumi-Ori of the Undergrounding family!"

Grandpa was the first to come to his senses. He approached the Kumior king and curtseying, he said: “I am extremely flattered by our acquaintance. My name is Hogelman. In this house I will be a grandfather.”

Kumi-Ori extended his right hand forward and thrust it under his grandfather's nose. The grandfather looked at the thread-gloved pen, but did not understand what Kumi-Ori wanted.

Mom suggested that his arm hurts and a compress is needed. Mom always thinks that someone definitely needs either a compress, or pills, or, at worst, mustard plasters. But Kumi-Ori did not need a compress at all, and his hand was completely healthy. He waved his thread fingers in front of his grandfather’s nose and said: “We have inoculated that we have a whole watt of porridge apricots!”

Grandfather said, for nothing in the world he would kiss the august hand, he would allow himself this, at best, in relation to a charming lady, and Kumi-Ori is no lady, all the more charming.

Grigory Oster - “Bad advice. A book for naughty children and their parents

***

For example, in your pocket

Turned out to be a handful of sweets

And met you

Your true friends.

Don't be afraid and don't hide

Don't run away

Don't shove all the candy

Together with candy wrappers in the mouth.

Approach them calmly

Without saying too many words

Quickly taking it out of my pocket

Give them... a hand.

Shake their hands firmly

Say goodbye slowly

And turning around the first corner,

Rush home quickly.

To eat sweets at home,

Get under the bed

Because there, of course,

You won't meet anyone.

Astrid Lindgren - "The Adventures of Emil from Lenneberg"

The broth was very tasty, everyone took the addition as much as they wanted, and in the end only a few carrots and onions remained at the bottom of the tureen. This is what Emil decided to enjoy. Without thinking twice, he reached for the tureen, pulled it towards him and stuck his head into it. Everyone could hear him sucking thick with a whistle. When Emil licked the bottom almost dry, he naturally wanted to pull his head out of the tureen. But it was not there! The tureen tightly clasped his forehead, temples and the back of his head and was not removed. Emil was frightened and jumped up from his chair. He stood in the middle of the kitchen with a tureen on his head, as if wearing a knight's helmet. And the tureen slipped lower and lower. First, his eyes disappeared under it, then his nose and even his chin. Emil tried to free himself, but nothing came of it. The tureen seemed to be rooted to his head. Then he began to shout a good obscenity. And after him, with a fright, and Lina. Yes, and everyone was scared.

- Our beautiful tureen! - all insisted Lina. What am I going to serve soup in now?

And indeed, since Emil's head is stuck in the tureen, you can't pour soup into it. Lina understood this immediately. But mother was worried not so much about the beautiful tureen, but about Emil's head.

- Dear Anton, - Mom turned to dad, - how can we get the boy out of there? Shall I break the tureen?

- This is still not enough! exclaimed Emil's father. “I paid four crowns for her!”

Irina and Leonid Tyukhtyaev - "Zoki and Bada: a guide for children on parenting"

It was evening and everyone was at home. Seeing that papa was sitting on the sofa with a newspaper, Margarita said:

- Dad, let's play animals, and Yanka wants to come out too. Dad sighed, and Yang shouted: - Chur, I'm thinking!

- Dove again? Margarita asked him sternly.

"Yes," Yang was surprised.

“Now I am,” said Margarita. “I guessed, guess.

- Elephant ... lizard ... fly ... giraffe ... - began Jan, - dad, and the cow has a cow?

- So you will never guess, - dad could not stand it and put down the newspaper, - it should be different. Does he have legs?

- Yes, - my daughter smiled enigmatically.

- One? Two? Four? Six? Eight? Margarita shook her head negatively.

- Nine? Jan asked.

- More.

- Centipede. No? - Dad was surprised. - Then I give up, but keep in mind: the crocodile has four legs.

- Yes? - Margarita was confused. - And I thought of it.

- Dad, - the son asked, - but if a boa constrictor sits on a tree and suddenly notices a penguin?

“Now dad is thinking,” his sister stopped him.

“Only real animals, not fictional ones,” the son warned.

- What are the real ones? Dad asked.

- A dog, for example, - said the daughter, - and wolves and bears are only in fairy tales.

- No! Yang shouted. “Yesterday I saw a wolf in the yard. Huge such, even two! Like this.” He held up his hands.

“Well, they were probably smaller,” dad smiled.

- But, you know how they barked!

“These are dogs,” Margarita laughed, “there are all kinds of dogs: a wolf dog, a bear dog, a fox dog, a sheep dog, even a kitty dog, such a small one.”

Mikhail Zoshchenko - "Lelya and Minka"

This year, guys, I turned forty years old. So, it turns out that I saw the Christmas tree forty times. It's a lot! Well, for the first three years of my life, I probably did not understand what a Christmas tree was. Probably, my mother endured me on her arms. And, probably, with my black little eyes I looked at the painted tree without interest.

And when I, children, hit five years old, I already perfectly understood what a Christmas tree is. And I was looking forward to this happy holiday. And even in the crack of the door I peeped how my mother decorates the Christmas tree.

And my sister Lele was seven years old at that time. And she was an exceptionally lively girl. She once told me: “Minka, my mother has gone to the kitchen. Let's go to the room where the tree stands and see what's going on there.

So my sister Lelya and I entered the room. And we see: a very beautiful Christmas tree. And under the tree are gifts. And on the Christmas tree there are multi-colored beads, flags, lanterns, golden nuts, pastilles and Crimean apples.

My sister Lelya says: - We will not look at the gifts. Instead, let's just eat one lozenge each.

And now she comes up to the Christmas tree and instantly eats one lozenge hanging on a thread.

I say: - Lelya, if you ate a pastille, then I will also eat something now.

And I go up to the tree and bite off a small piece of an apple.

Lelya says: “Minka, if you bit off an apple, then I’ll eat another lozenge now and, in addition, I’ll take this candy for myself.”

And Lelya was a very tall, long-knit girl. And she could reach high. She stood on tiptoe and began to eat the second lozenge with her big mouth.

And I was surprisingly short. And I could hardly get anything, except for one apple, which hung low.

I say: - If you, Lelisha, ate the second lozenge, then I will bite off this apple again.

And I again take this apple with my hands and bite it off a little again.

Lelya says: - If you have bitten off an apple for the second time, then I will no longer stand on ceremony and now I will eat the third lozenge and, in addition, I will take a cracker and a nut as a keepsake.

Then I almost cried. Because she could reach everything, but I can’t. ”

Paul Maar - "Seven Saturdays in a Week"

On Saturday morning Mr. Peppermint sat in his room and waited. What was he waiting for? He certainly could not have said this himself.

Why then did he wait? Now this is easier to explain. True, we will have to start the story from Monday itself.

And on Monday there was a sudden knock on the door of Mr. Peppermint's room. Sticking her head through the crack, Mrs. Bruckmann announced:

- Mister Pepperfint, you have a guest! Just make sure that he does not smoke in the room: this will ruin the curtains! Let him not sit on the bed! Why did I give you a chair, what do you think?

Mrs. Bruckman was the mistress of the house where Mr. Peppermint rented a room. When she was angry, she always called him "Pepperfint". And now the hostess was angry because a guest had come to him.

The visitor pushed through the door that same Monday by the landlady turned out to be Mr. Peppermint's school friend. His last name was Pone delcus. As a gift to his friend, he brought a whole bag of delicious donuts.

After Monday it was Tuesday, and on this day the master's nephew came to Mr. Peppermint - to ask how to solve a problem in mathematics. The owner's nephew was lazy and repeating. Mr. Peppermint was not at all surprised by his visit.

Wednesday, as always, came in the middle of the week. And this, of course, did not surprise Mr. Peppermint.

On Thursday, a new film was suddenly shown in a nearby cinema: "Four Against the Cardinal." This is where Mr. Peppermint got a little wary.

Friday came. On this day, the reputation of the company where Mr. Peppermint served was stained: the office was closed all day, and customers were indignant.

Eno Raud - "Muff, Half Shoes and Moss Beard"

One day, three naxitralls met by chance at an ice cream stand: Mossbeard, Halfboot, and Muff. They were all so small that the ice-cream lady mistook them for gnomes at first. Each of them had other interesting features. Moss Beard has a beard of soft moss, in which, although last year's, but still beautiful lingonberries grew. The half-boot was shod in boots with cut off toes: it was more convenient to move the toes this way. And Mufta, instead of ordinary clothes, wore a thick muff, from which only the crown and heels protruded.

They ate ice cream and looked at each other with great curiosity.

"Excuse me," Muft said at last. - Perhaps, of course, I'm wrong, but it seems to me that we have something in common.

“So it seemed to me,” Polbootka nodded.

Mossbeard plucked a few berries from his beard and handed them to his new acquaintances.

- Sour ice cream is good.

- I'm afraid to seem intrusive, but it would be nice to get together some other time, - said Mufta. - We would cook cocoa, talk about this and that.

“That would be wonderful,” Polbootka rejoiced. - I would gladly invite you to my place, but I have no home. Since childhood, I have traveled the world.

"Just like me," said Mossbeard.

- Wow, what a coincidence! Muft exclaimed. - Exactly the same story with me. So we are all travelers.

He tossed the ice cream slip into the dustbin and zipped up the muff. His clutch had such a property: to fasten and unfasten with the help of a "lightning". Meanwhile, the others finished their ice cream.

- Do not you think that we could unite? - said Polbotinka.

- Traveling together is much more fun.

“Of course,” Mossbeard agreed happily.

“Brilliant thought,” Mufta beamed. - Simply magnificent!

"So it's settled," said Polbootka. “Why don’t we have another ice cream each before we unite?”

The importance of books in human life cannot be overestimated. If you want your child to be versatile and successful in life, instill in him a love of literature from an early age. Of course, in preschool and primary school age, you need to choose light, fun works. If you like to read, then you probably remember the funny stories for children from the collection "Deniska's Stories" by V. Dragunsky. What other authors of funny stories for children deserve the attention of young readers? The answers are in our article today.

As we have already said, the first place among funny stories for children is occupied by the book of V. Dragunsky. His cute and funny stories will appeal to both preschool children and young "visitors" of elementary school. The protagonist Deniska Korablev finds himself in funny and sometimes ridiculous situations every day that will surely make little readers smile. "The Elephant and the Radio", "Knights", "Chicken Soup", "The Battle of the Clean River", "Exactly 25 kilos", "The Dog Thief" and other stories will be interesting, and most importantly, understandable to children from 5 years old. Download a book.

The collection consists of two children's humorous stories, based on which the famous films of the same name were shot. The plot will especially attract primary school students. The main characters of the first part are two mischievous people who have to spend the whole summer vacation visiting strict aunts. Naturally, they do not expect anything fun from this plan, but they are in for big surprises... The stories described in the book will definitely appeal to your children, especially boys who dream of the most memorable adventure of their childhood!

Mikhail Zoshchenko is a famous writer and one of the best authors of funny stories for children. His collection is rightly recognized as a classic of children's literature. In his stories, he notices funny moments in such a fascinating and simple language that among the admirers of his work there are even children of 6 years old! Through light and truthful images, he teaches children to be kind, honest, courageous, strive for knowledge and act nobly. In a special honor among children, stories about the heroes Lela and Minka.

We also recommend adding to the children's list of literature “Humorous stories for children” by A. Averchenko, the famous “Bad advice” by G. Oster, “The thief of intercoms” by E. Rakitina, “Do not lie” by M. Zoshchenko, “Carousel in the head” by V. Golovkin, “Smart dog Sonya. Stories" by A. Usacheva, "Zateykina Stories" by N. Nosov and all works by E. Uspensky.

Call Natasha on the phone!
- Natasha is not there, what can I tell her?
Give her five roubles!

The patient came to the doctor:
- Doctor, you advised me to fall asleep, count to 100,000!
- Well, how did you fall asleep?
No, it's already morning! Sent by Yana Sukhoverkhova from Estonia, Pärnu on May 18, 2003

- Vasya! Does it bother you that you're left-handed?
- No. Every person has their own shortcomings. Here you are, for example, with which hand do you stir the tea?
- Right!
- Here you see! And normal people interfere with a spoon!

A psycho is walking down the street and dragging a thread behind him.
A passer-by asks him:
- Why are you dragging a thread behind you?
What should I push forward?

- I have a neighbor - a vampire was.
— How did you know that?
- And I drove an aspen stake into his chest, and he died.

"Boy, why are you crying so bitterly?"
- Due to rheumatism.
- What? So small, and you already have rheumatism?
- No, I got a deuce, because I wrote "rhyme" in the dictation!

— Sidorov! My patience has run out! Don't come to school tomorrow without your father!
- And the day after tomorrow?

"Petya, what are you laughing at?" Personally, I don't see anything funny!
- And you can’t see: after all, you sat on my sandwich with jam!

— Petya, how many excellent students are in your class?
“Not counting me, four.
- Are you an excellent student?
- No. That's what I said - except for me!

Phone call in the teacher's room:
— Hello! Is this Anna Alekseevna? Tolya's mother says.
— Who-whom? I can't hear well!
- Tolya! I spell it out: Tatyana, Oleg, Leonid, Ivan, Kirill, Andrey!
- What? And all the kids are in my class?

In a drawing lesson, one student turns to a neighbor on the desk:
- You drew well! I've whetted my appetite!
— Appetite? From sunrise?
- Wow! I thought you drew an egg!

During the singing lesson, the teacher said:
Let's talk about opera today. Who knows what opera is?
Vovochka raised his hand:
- I know. This is when one person kills another in a duel, and he sings for a long time before falling!

The teacher handed out notebooks after checking the dictation.
Vovochka approaches the teacher with his notebook and asks:
“Maria Ivanovna, I didn’t understand what you wrote down here!
- I wrote: "Sidorov, write legibly!"

The teacher told the lesson about the great inventors. Then she asked the students:
- What would you like to invent?
One student said:
- I would invent such an automaton: press a button - and all the lessons are ready!
- Well, lazy! the teacher laughed.
Here Vovochka raised his hand and said:
- And I would come up with a device that would press this button!

Vovochka answers in a zoology lesson:
- The length of the crocodile from head to tail is 5 meters, and from tail to head - 7 meters ...
“Think about what you are saying,” the teacher interrupts Vovochka. - Is it possible?
“It happens,” Vovochka replies. - For example, from Monday to Wednesday - two days, and from Wednesday to Monday - five!

— Vovochka, what do you want to be when you grow up?
— An ornithologist.
Is this the one who studies birds?
- Yeah. I want to cross a dove with a parrot.
- For what?
- And if suddenly the dove gets lost so that he can ask for the way home!

The teacher asks Vovochka:
What teeth are the last to appear in a person?
“Artificial,” answered Little Johnny.

Vovochka stops the car on the street:
- Uncle, take me to school!
- I'm going in the opposite direction.
- All the better!

- Dad, - says Little Johnny, - I have to tell you that tomorrow there will be a small meeting of students, parents and teachers at the school.
What does "small" mean?
“It’s just you, me, and the class teacher.

We wrote a dictation. When Alla Grigoryevna was checking notebooks, she turned to Antonov:
- Kolya, why are you so inattentive? I dictated: "The door creaked and opened." What did you write? "The door creaked and fell off!"
And everyone laughed!

“Vorobiev,” said the teacher, “you didn’t do your homework again!” Why?
— Igor Ivanovich, we had no electricity yesterday.
— And what were you doing? I suppose you watched TV?
Yeah, in the dark...
And everyone laughed!

A young teacher complains to her friend:
- One of my students completely tortured me: he makes noise, hooligans, disrupts lessons!
“But does he have at least one positive quality?”
- Unfortunately, there is - he does not miss classes ...

At the German lesson, we went through the topic "My Hobby". The teacher called Petya Grigoriev. He stood and was silent for a long time.
“I don’t hear an answer,” said Elena Alekseevna. — What is your hobby?
Then Petya said in German:
— Their bean briefmark! (I'm a postage stamp!)
And everyone laughed!

The lesson has begun. The teacher asked:
- Duty officer, who is missing from the class?
Pimenov looked around and said:
- Missing Mushkin.
At that moment, Mushkin's head appeared in the doorway:
I'm not absent, I'm here!
And everyone laughed!

It was a geometry lesson.
- Who solved the problem? asked Igor Petrovich.
Vasya Rybin was the first to raise his hand.
- Excellent, Rybin, - the teacher praised, - Please, to the blackboard!
Vasya went to the blackboard and said importantly:
Consider triangle ABCD!
And everyone laughed!

Why weren't you at school yesterday?
“My older brother is sick.
— And what about you?
And I rode his bike!

— Petrov, why are you learning English so badly?
- What for?
- What do you mean why? After all, this language is spoken by half of the globe!
“And isn’t that enough?

- Petya, if you met old Hottabych, what wish would you ask him to fulfill?
— I would ask to make London the capital of France.
- Why?
- And I answered yesterday in geography and got a deuce! ..

- Well done, mitya. dad says. — How did you manage to get an A in zoology?
- They asked me how many legs an ostrich has and I answered - three.
“Wait, but an ostrich has two legs!”
— Yes, but all the others said four!

Petya was invited to visit. They tell him:
Petya, take another piece of cake.
Thanks, I've already eaten two pieces.
“Then eat a tangerine.”
Thanks, I've already eaten three tangerines.
“Then take some fruit with you.
Thanks, I already got it!

Cheburashka found a penny on the road. Comes to the store where they sell toys. He gives a penny to the saleswoman and says:
“Give me this toy, this one, and this one!”
The saleswoman looks at him in surprise.
- Well, what are you waiting for? Cheburashka says. - Let's change, and I went!

Vovochka with dad at the zoo are standing by the cage where the lion sits.
- Dad, - says Little Johnny, - and if a lion accidentally jumps out of the cage and eats you, which bus should I take home? ..

- Dad, - asks Little Johnny, - why don't you have a car?
— No money for a car. So don't be lazy, study better, become a good specialist and buy yourself a car.
- Dad, why were you lazy at school?

“Petya,” Dad asks, “why are you limping?”
“I put my foot in the mousetrap and got pinched.
Don't poke your nose where it doesn't belong!

— Grandpa, what are you doing with this bottle? Do you want to install a boat in it?
“That's exactly what I wanted at first. And now I would be glad to just pull my hand out of the bottle!

“Daddy,” the daughter turns to her father, “our phone works ugly!”
— And why did you decide so?
- Now I was talking with my girlfriend and did not understand anything.
Have you tried taking turns speaking?

“Mom,” asked Little Johnny, “how much toothpaste is in the tube?”
- Don't know.
- And I know: from the sofa to the door!

- Dad, get on the phone! Petya called to his father, who was shaving in front of the mirror.
When dad finished the conversation, Petya asked him:
Dad, are you good at remembering faces?
“I seem to remember. And what?
“The thing is, I accidentally broke your mirror…

- Dad, what is "telefigurotivization"?
- Don't know. Where did you read it?
I didn't read it, I wrote it!

- Natasha, why are you writing a letter to your grandmother so slowly?
- It's okay: after all, grandmother also reads slowly!

Anna, what have you done! You broke a vase that was two hundred years old!
What a blessing, Mom! I thought it was brand new!

- Mom, what is etiquette?
- This is the ability to yawn with your mouth closed ...

The art teacher says to Vovochka's father:
“Your son has exceptional abilities. Yesterday he drew a fly on the desk, and I even beat off my hand, trying to drive it away!
— What's that! Recently, he made a crocodile in the bathroom, and I got so scared that I tried to jump out through the door, which was also painted on the wall.

Vovochka says to his father:
- Dad, I decided to give you a present for your birthday!
- The best gift for me, - said dad, - is if you study for one five.
“Too late, dad, I already bought you a tie!”

A little boy is watching his dad at work, who is painting the ceiling.
Mom says:
- Look, Petya, and learn. And when you grow up, you will help dad.
Petya is surprised:
“What, he won’t have finished by then?”

The hostess, hiring a new maid, asked her:
“Tell me, dear, do you like parrots?”
— Oh, don't worry, madam, I eat everything!

An auction is taking place in the pet store - there is a sale of talking parrots. One of the buyers who bought the parrot asks the seller:
Does he really speak well?
- Still would! After all, he was always raising the price!

- Petya, what will you do if you are attacked by hooligans?
- I'm not afraid of them - I know judo, karate, aikedo and other scary words!

— Hello! Animal defence community? In my yard, a postman sits on a tree and calls my poor dog names with various bad words!

The three bears return to their hut.
— Who touched my plate and ate my porridge?! Papa Bear growled.
Who touched my saucer and ate my porridge?! squeaked the little bear.
“Calm down,” said the mother bear. - There was no porridge: I didn’t cook it today!

One person caught a cold and decided to be treated by self-hypnosis. He stood in front of the mirror and began to suggest to himself:
- I won't sneeze, I won't sneeze, I won't sneeze... A-a-pchhi!!! It's not me, it's not me, it's not me...

“Mommy, why does daddy have so little hair on his head?”
- The fact is that our dad thinks a lot.
"Then why do you have such curly hair?"

- Dad, today the teacher told us about an insect that lives only one day. That's great!
- Why - "great"?
- Imagine, you can celebrate your birthday all your life!

One fisherman, a teacher by profession, caught a small catfish, admired it, and, throwing it back into the river, said:
“Go home and come tomorrow with your parents!”

Husband and wife came by car to visit. Leaving the car at the house, they tied the dog nearby and told her to guard the car. When they got ready to return home in the evening, they saw that all the wheels had been removed from the car. And a note was attached to the car: "Do not scold the dog, it was barking!"

One Englishman went into a bar with a dog and said to the visitors:
- I bet that my talking dog will now read Hamlet's monologue "To be or not to be!"
Alas, he immediately lost the bet. Because the dog didn't say a single word.
Coming out of the bar, the owner began to shout at the dog:
- Are you completely stupid? I lost a thousand pounds because of you!
"You're stupid," said the dog. “Don’t you understand that tomorrow in the same bar we can win ten times more!”

- You have a strange dog - she sleeps all day. How can she guard the house?
- It's very simple: when someone else approaches the house, we wake her up, and she starts barking.

The wolf is going to eat the hare. Hare says:
- Let's agree. I will give you three riddles. If you don't guess them, then you will let me go.
- Agree.
— A pair of black, shiny, with laces.
The wolf is silent.
- It's a pair of shoes. Now the second riddle: four black, shiny, with laces.
The wolf is silent.
- Two pairs of boots. The third riddle is the most difficult: lives in a swamp, green, croaks, starts with "la", ends with "gushka".
The wolf shouts joyfully:
- Three pairs of boots!

Bats hang from the ceiling. All, as expected, heads down, and one - head up. Mice hanging in the neighborhood are talking:
Why is she hanging upside down?
And she does yoga!

The crow found a large piece of cheese. Then a fox suddenly jumped out from behind the bushes and gave the crow a slap on the back of the head. The cheese fell out, the fox immediately grabbed it and ran away.
Stunned crow with resentment says:
- Wow, the fable was reduced!

The out of breath director of the zoo comes running to the police station:
- For God's sake, help - an elephant ran away from us!
"Calm down, citizen," said the policeman. We'll find your elephant. Name special signs!

An owl flies and shouts:
- Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!
Suddenly he hit a pole:
- Wow!

A Japanese schoolboy enters a company store that sells watches.
— Do you have a reliable alarm clock?
“There is nowhere safer,” the seller answers. “First, a siren goes off, then an artillery salvo goes off, and a glass of cold water is poured over your face. If that doesn't work, the alarm will ring the school and let you know you've got the flu!

Guide: - in front of you is a rare exhibit of our museum - a beautiful statue of a Greek warrior. Unfortunately, he is missing an arm and a leg, and his head is damaged in some places. The title is "Winner".
Visitor: Great! I'd like to see what's left of the vanquished!

A foreign tourist who has arrived in Paris addresses a Frenchman:
- I come here for the fifth time, and I see that nothing has changed!
– What needs to change? he asks.
Tourist (pointing to the Eiffel Tower):
- In the end, did they find oil here, or not?

One secular lady asked Heine:
What do you need to do to learn to speak French?
- It's not difficult, - he answered, - just instead of German words, you need to use French.

In a history lesson at a French school:
Who was the father of Louis XVI?
— Louis XV.
- Fine. What about Charles VII?
— Charles the Sixth.
What about Francis the First? Well, what are you silent?
“Francis… Zero!”

In history class, the teacher said:
Today we will repeat the old material. Natasha, ask Semyonov a question.
Natasha thought about it and asked:
What year was the War of 1812 in?
And everyone laughed.

Parents had no time, and grandfather went to the parent meeting. He came in a bad mood and immediately began to scold his grandson:
- Disgrace! It turns out that you have solid deuces in history! For example, I always had fives in this subject!
“Of course,” the grandson replied, “at the time when you were studying, the story was much shorter!

Baba Yaga asks Koshchei the Deathless:
- How did you relax on New Year's holidays?
- He shot himself a couple of times, drowned himself three times, hanged himself once - in general, he had fun!

Winnie the Pooh congratulated the donkey on his birthday, and then says:
— Eeyore, you must be many years old?
- Why do you say that?
"Judging by your ears, you've been tugged at them a lot!"

The client enters the photo studio and asks the receptionist:
- I wonder why everyone is laughing in your photos?
— And you should have seen our photographer!

- What are you complaining about? the doctor asks the patient.
“You know, by the end of the day I just fall from fatigue.
— What do you do in the evenings?
- I play the violin.
- I recommend that music lessons be stopped immediately!
When the patient left, the nurse asked the doctor in surprise:
- Ivan Petrovich, what does music lessons have to do with it?
- Absolutely nothing. It's just that this woman lives on the floor above me, and we have disgusting soundproofing!

- Yesterday I pulled out a pike weighing twenty kilograms from the hole!
- Can't be!
- That's it, I thought that no one would believe me, so I released it back ...

The summer resident addresses the owner of the dacha:
Could you lower the room rate a little?
- Yes, what are you? With such a beautiful view of the birch grove!
“And if I promise you that I won’t look out the window?”

The millionaire shows his villa to the guest and says:
- And here I am going to build three pools: one with cold water, the second with warm water, and the third without water at all.
- Without water? the guest is surprised. - For what?
The thing is, some of my friends can't swim...

At an art exhibition, one visitor asks another:
Do you think this picture depicts a sunrise or a sunset?
Of course, sunset.
- Why do you think so?
— I know this artist. He doesn't wake up before noon.

Buyer: I would like to buy some book.
Seller: - Do you want something light?
Buyer: It doesn't matter, I'm in a car!

An unknown young man set a world record in the 100 meters. The journalist is interviewing him:
— How did you do it? Have you trained a lot in any sports club?
- No, in the shooting range. I work there to change targets...

- I recently ran two kilometers in one minute at a school competition!
- You're lying! That's better than the world record!
Yes, but I know a shortcut!