Great time - childhood! Carelessness, pranks, games, eternal "why" and, of course, funny stories from the life of children - funny, memorable, making you smile involuntarily.
publicly warned
One mother of a beautiful six-year-old son often has no one to leave her not always obedient child at home with. Therefore, sometimes she takes the baby with her to work (to the exhibition). On one of these days, the driver calls my mother and asks to pick up some booklets from the checkpoint. She leaves, and strictly punishes her son to sit still and not go anywhere. In general, it takes a certain time to search for a driver, arrange and pick up booklets, and deliver them to the right place. And so… Approaching her lady, she sees a bunch of people who laugh and take pictures of something on the stand. The son is not there! But there is an A-4 sheet attached to the stand, on which it is written in large letters: “I'll be there soon. What am I!”
This same mom once asked dad to play with her son while she cooks dinner. After a while, he hears a aching voice from the room: “Dad, I’m tired ... Can I go play?” Looking into the room, he sees this picture: dad lying on the sofa, and his son in full uniform (helmet, cloak, sword), marching back and forth along the sofa. To the question: "What is it?" - the son replies: “My dad and I play the King of the sofa!” Here is such a funny story about children that can not only make you plunge into your own memories.
Shh! Dad is sleeping
And here is another funny story about children from life. One mother left a three-year-old child with her father for just a couple of hours. He comes and sees such a picture: dad is sleeping sweetly on the sofa, on both hands he is wearing a toy from (a bunny and a fox). The child covered him from above with his small blanket, placed a high chair next to him, a cup of juice on it, and a mandatory attribute - a pot next to the sofa. He closed the door and himself sits quietly in the corridor, and when his mother comes in, he shows: “Shh! Dad is sleeping there.
The child watched the fairy tale about Scheherazade and, impressed by such a magical film, says to his beloved grandmother, who is wearing an oriental-colored robe: “Grandma, are you a Scheherazade?”
The baby does not eat well, and almost the whole family gathers to feed him. And everyone persuades the capricious boy to eat at least a spoonful. And even grandfather says: “You, granddaughters, don’t worry! I didn’t eat well as a child, so my mother scolded me for it and even beat me.” To such a sincere confession, the granddaughter replies: “That’s what I’m looking at, grandfather, that you have all false teeth ...”
Kitty Kitty Kitty
And this is a funny story about children from real life. One grandmother, in the past the head of the section, who at work and at home was not shy in expressions, for a certain period was engaged in raising her grandson. One fine day, this couple went to the store, where the grandmother had to stand in a long line. This occupation seemed boring to the grandson, and he decided to make friends with the shop cat:
Kitty! Kitty, kitty, come here.
The cat, apparently, was not interested in these tendernesses, and he hid under the counter. But the boy is stubborn! Persistent boy! Now, by all means, he needs to get the cat:
Kitty, kitty-kitty, come to me, my good one.
The animal has zero reaction.
Kitty, ...fuck, come here to..., I said, - continued the childish boyish voice. The queue fell with laughter, and the grandmother, grabbing her grandson under her arm, quickly retreated. And it seems like she even stopped using swear words.
About home canning
Mom and son salted and sorted out the broken ones. She threw them down the toilet. Between her and the child who came out of the toilet, the following dialogue took place:
Mom, stop salting the mushrooms!
How is it?
Because you constantly taste them for salt.
And what from this?
So you already poop them! I myself saw them floating in the toilet.
Once upon a time there was Little Red Riding Hood...
And this funny story about children, or rather, about the child of one busy daddy, who recently had a chance to put his son to bed. And the kid ordered dad to tell him an interesting bedtime story, namely his favorite one - about Little Red Riding Hood.
Once upon a time there was a little girl in the world, and her name was Little Red Riding Hood, - dad began his story, who came home from work very tired.
She went to visit her beloved grandmother, - he continued already half asleep, unable to fight sleep himself.
He woke up because his son was indignantly pushing him in the side:
Dad! What were the police doing there and who was Yuri Gagarin?
Where is the child?
A funny story about children from real life about how a negligent father forgot a child on a walk. And it was like that. He somehow showed initiative and proudly offered his candidacy for a walk with a five-month-old daughter on the street. Mom, knowing his irresponsibility, said to walk near the house. After an hour and a half, the joyful dad returns, though alone. Mom almost turned gray when she didn’t see the stroller with the baby. And he, it turns out, met a friend, and since he smoked, they stepped aside so that the child would not breathe smoke. Yes, and dad forgot while talking about the child. So I came home. I had to urgently run to that place; it's good that everything worked out.
And here is a funny story about children in kindergarten. Dad came to the nursery for the first time to pick up the child. The children were still sleeping at that moment, and the teacher, busy with something, asked the father to dress his child on his own, only quietly so as not to wake the sleeping babies. In general, the picture before her mother appeared like this: her beloved daughter in boyish pants, a shirt and other people's slippers. All weekend, the shocked woman imagined the poor boy, who, due to the circumstances, had to wear a pink dress. And all because dad mixed up the chair with clothes.
Funny stories about little kids
A 4-year-old daughter resorts to her mother with the question of whether she will be an apple.
Of course, - says the satisfied mom, - did you wash them?
Only then did my mother realize that the only place where her daughter could wash the fruit was the toilet, because only there did the baby get it.
Funny stories from the life of children are found at every step, and even in the central department store, where one day a mother was walking with her 4-year-old son. They pass by the department for the newlyweds.
Mom, - says the baby, - let's buy you such a beautiful white dress.
What are you, son! This is a dress for a bride who is getting married.
And you will come out, don't worry, - the boy reassures.
So I'm already married, son.
Yes? - the kid is surprised. “Who did you marry and didn’t tell me?”
So it's your dad!
Well, it's good that and not some unfamiliar uncle, - calming down, the boy said.
Mom buy a phone
5-year-old son asks his mother to buy him a mobile phone.
Why do you need him? - Mom is interested.
I really need it, - the boy answers.
Yes, but still? Why do you need a phone? - asks the parent.
So you and the teacher Maria Ivanovna always scold me for not eating well in kindergarten. And so I will call you and tell you to give cutlets.
No less funny story about children. This time we will remember the conversation of a 4-year-old kid with his grandmother.
Grandmother, please give birth to a baby, otherwise I have no one to play with. Mom and dad have no time.
So how do I give birth? I won’t be able to give birth to anyone anymore,” my grandmother replies.
A! I understand, - guessed Roma. - You're a male! I saw the program on TV.
On the track...
Funny stories from the life of children always return to childhood - easy, carefree and so naive!
Before leaving home, the teacher Elena Andreevna says to the 3-year-old boy:
We go outside, we will walk there and wait for mom. So go down the path to the toilet.
The boy left and disappeared. The teacher, without waiting for the baby, went in search of him. Going out into the corridor, he sees the following picture: between the two stands a confused boy with an expression of utter bewilderment on his face and says:
Elena Andreevna, did you say which path to go to the toilet: blue or red?
Here is such a funny story about children.
Motherland is calling!
Funny stories from the life of children at school also amaze with the unpredictability of students, their antics and resourcefulness. In one class there was a boy named Rodin. His mother was a teacher at the same school. Once she asked one schoolboy to call her son from the lesson. He flies into the classroom and shouts:
Motherland is calling!
The first reaction of students and teachers is numbness, misunderstanding, fear...
After the words: “Rodin, come out, your mother is calling you,” the class fell under their desks with laughter.
In one school, a teacher dictated to elementary school students an essay based on Prishvin's work. The meaning was how hard the life of a hare in the forest is, how everyone offends him, how he has to get his own food in the cold winter. Somehow the animal found a rowan bush in the forest and began to eat berries. Literally, the last phrase of the dictation sounded like this: "The fluffy animal is full."
In the evening, the teacher just sobbed over the compositions. Literally all the students wrote the word "full" with two letters "s".
In another school, one student constantly wrote the word "walk" through "o" ("shol"). The teacher got tired of correcting his mistakes all the time, and after the lessons she made the student write the word “walked” on the blackboard a hundred times. The boy did an excellent job with the task, and at the end he wrote: “I left.”
A funny story about a harmful liar schoolgirl Ninochka. A story for younger schoolchildren and middle school age.
Harmful Ninka Kukushkina. Author: Irina Pivovarova
Once Katya and Manechka went out into the yard, and there Ninka Kukushkina was sitting on a bench in a brand new brown school dress, a brand new black apron and a very white collar (Ninka was a first grader, she boasted that she was studying for fives, and she herself was a loser) and Kostya Palkin in a green cowboy shirt, sandals on bare feet and a blue cap with a large visor.
Ninka enthusiastically lied to Kostya that she had met a real hare in the forest in the summer, and this hare was so delighted to Ninka that he immediately climbed into her arms and did not want to get off. Then Ninka brought him home, and the hare lived with them for a whole month, drinking milk from a saucer and guarding the house.
Kostya listened to Ninka with half an ear. Stories about hares didn't bother him. Yesterday he received a letter from his parents saying that perhaps in a year they would take him to Africa, where they now lived and built a milk canning plant, and Kostya sat and thought about what he would take with him.
"Don't forget the fishing rod," thought Kostya. Yes, more guns. Winchester. Or a double shot."
Just then Katya and Manechka came up.
- What's this! - said Katya, after listening to the end of the "hare" story. - This is nothing! Think rabbit! Hares are rubbish! A real goat has been living on our balcony for a whole year now. My name is Aglaya Sidorovna.
"Aha," said Manechka. "Aglaya Sidorovna." She came to visit us from Kozodoevsk. We have been eating goat's milk for a long time.
"Exactly," said Katya. "Such a kind goat!" She brought us so much! Ten packets of nuts in chocolate, twenty cans of condensed goat milk, thirty packs of Yubileinoye cookies, and she herself does not eat anything but cranberry jelly, soup with beans and vanilla crackers!
“I’ll buy a double-barreled shotgun,” Kostya said respectfully.
- To make the milk smell good.
- They lie! They don't have any goats! Ninka got angry. "Don't listen, Kostya!" You know them!
- Still as it is! She sleeps in the basket at night in the fresh air. And sunbathing during the day.
- Liars! Liars! If a goat lived on your balcony, it would bleat all over the yard!
- Who bleated? For what? - asked Kostya, having managed to plunge into thoughts, to take or not to take aunt's loto to Africa.
- She bleats. Soon you will hear for yourself ... And now let's play hide and seek?
"Let's go," Kostya said.
And Kostya began to drive, and Manya, Katya and Ninka ran to hide. Suddenly, a loud goat bleating was heard in the yard. It was Manechka who ran home and bleated from the balcony:
- Be-ee... Me-ee...
Ninka crawled out of the hole behind the bushes in surprise.
— Kostya! Listen!
"Well, yes, it's bleating," said Kostya. "I told you...
And Manya backed for the last time and ran to help out.
Now Ninka drove.
This time, Katya and Manechka ran home together and began to bleat from the balcony. And then they went down and, as if nothing had happened, ran to help out.
“Listen, you really have a goat! - said Kostya. - What did you hide before?
She's not real, she's not real! shouted Ninka.
- Here's another, groovy! Yes, she reads books with us, counts to ten, and even knows how to talk like a human being. Here we go and ask her, and you stand here, listen.
Katya and Manya ran home, sat down behind the balcony bars and bleated in one voice:
— Ma-a-ma! Ma-a-ma!
- Well, how? - Katya leaned out. - Do you like it?
"Just think about it," said Nina. “Mom” any fool can say. Let me read a poem.
“I’ll ask you now,” Manya said, squatted down and shouted to the whole yard:
Our Tanya is crying loudly:
Dropped a ball into the river.
Hush, Tanechka, don't cry:
The ball will not sink in the river.
The old women on the benches shook their heads in bewilderment, and Sima the janitor, who at that time was diligently sweeping the yard, became alert and raised her head.
“Well, is it great, really?” Katya said.
- Awesome! Ninka made a sly face. “But I can’t hear anything. Ask your goat to read poetry louder.
Here Manechka yells like a good obscenity. And since Manya had a voice that was just right, and when Manya tried, she could roar so that the walls shook, it is not surprising that after the rhyme about the whining Tanechka, people's heads began to protrude out of all the windows indignantly, and Matvey Semenycheva Alpha, who at this time ran in the yard, barked deafeningly.
And the janitor Sima ... There is no need to talk about her! Her relationship with the Skovorodkin children was not the best. They Sime was fed up with their antics to death.
Therefore, having heard inhuman cries from the balcony of the eighteenth apartment, Sima rushed straight into the entrance with her broom and began to beat her fists on the door of the eighteenth apartment.
And the most mischievous Ninka, pleased that she managed to teach Pan so well, after looking at the angry Sim, sweetly said as if nothing had happened:
Well done your goat! Great poetry reading! And now I'm going to read something to her.
And, dancing and sticking out her tongue, but not forgetting to adjust the blue nylon bow on her head, the cunning, mischievous Ninka squealed very disgustingly.
Notebooks in the rain
At recess, Marik says to me:
Let's get out of class. Look how good it is outside!
What if Aunt Dasha delays with briefcases?
Throw your briefcases out the window.
We looked out the window: near the wall it was dry, and a little further away there was a huge puddle. Don't throw your portfolios into the puddle! We removed the straps from our trousers, tied them together, and carefully lowered our briefcases over them. At this time, the bell rang. The teacher entered. I had to sit down. The lesson has begun. Rain poured outside the window. Marik writes me a note: "Our notebooks are gone"
I answer him: "Our notebooks are gone"
He writes to me: "What shall we do?"
I answer him: "What are we going to do?"
Suddenly they call me to the blackboard.
I can’t, I say, I can go to the blackboard.
“How, - I think, - to go without a belt?”
Go, go, I will help you, - says the teacher.
You don't need to help me.
Did you happen to get sick?
I'm sick, I say.
How about homework?
Good with homework.
The teacher comes up to me.
Well, show me your notebook.
What's going on with you?
You'll have to put in a two.
He opens the magazine and gives me a F, and I think about my notebook, which is now getting wet in the rain.
The teacher gave me a deuce and calmly says this:
You are strange today...
How I sat under the desk
Only the teacher turned away to the blackboard, and I once - and under the desk. When the teacher notices that I have disappeared, he will be terribly surprised, probably.
I wonder what he'll think? He will ask everyone where I have gone - that will be laughter! Half a lesson has already passed, and I'm still sitting. “When, I think, will he see that I am not in the class?” And it's hard to sit under the desk. My back even hurt. Try to sit like this! I coughed - no attention. I can't sit anymore. Moreover, Seryozhka pokes me in the back with his foot all the time. I couldn't stand it. Didn't make it to the end of the lesson. I get out and say:
Excuse me, Pyotr Petrovich...
The teacher asks:
What's the matter? Do you want to board?
No, excuse me, I was sitting under the desk...
Well, how comfortable to sit there, under the desk? You were very quiet today. That's the way it's always been in class.
When Goga started going to first grade, he knew only two letters: O - a circle and T - a hammer. And that's it. I didn't know any other letters. And he couldn't read.
Grandmother tried to teach him, but he immediately came up with a trick:
Now, now, granny, I'll wash the dishes for you.
And he immediately ran to the kitchen to wash the dishes. And the old grandmother forgot about her studies and even bought him gifts for helping with the household. And Gogin's parents were on a long business trip and hoped for a grandmother. And of course, they did not know that their son had not yet learned to read. But Goga often washed the floor and dishes, went for bread, and his grandmother praised him in every possible way in letters to his parents. And read aloud to him. And Goga, sitting comfortably on the sofa, listened with his eyes closed. “Why should I learn to read,” he reasoned, “if my grandmother reads aloud to me.” He didn't even try.
And in class, he dodged as best he could.
The teacher tells him:
Read it right here.
He pretended to read, and he himself told from memory what his grandmother read to him. The teacher stopped him. To the laughter of the class, he said:
If you want, I'd better close the window so that it doesn't blow.
I'm so dizzy that I'm probably about to fall...
He pretended so skillfully that one day his teacher sent him to the doctor. The doctor asked:
How is your health?
Bad, - said Goga.
What hurts?
Well then go to class.
Because nothing hurts you.
How do you know?
How do you know that? the doctor laughed. And he lightly pushed Goga to the exit. Goga never pretended to be sick again, but he continued to evade.
And the efforts of classmates did not lead to anything. First, Masha, an excellent student, was attached to him.
Let's study seriously, - Masha told him.
When? Goga asked.
Yeah right now.
Now I will come, - said Goga.
And he left and didn't come back.
Then Grisha, an excellent student, was attached to him. They stayed in the classroom. But as soon as Grisha opened the primer, Goga reached under the desk.
Where are you going? - asked Grisha.
Come here, - called Goga.
And here no one will interfere with us.
Yah you! - Grisha, of course, was offended and immediately left.
No one else was attached to him.
As time went. He dodged.
Gogin's parents arrived and found that their son could not read a single line. The father grabbed his head, and the mother grabbed the book that she brought to her child.
Now every evening, - she said, - I will read aloud this wonderful book to my son.
Grandma said:
Yes, yes, I also read interesting books aloud to Gogochka every evening.
But the father said:
You really shouldn't have done it. Our Gogochka has grown lazy to such an extent that he cannot read a single line. I ask everyone to leave for the meeting.
And dad, along with grandma and mom, left for a meeting. And Goga was at first worried about the meeting, and then calmed down when his mother began to read to him from a new book. And even dangled his legs with pleasure and almost spat on the carpet.
But he didn't know what the meeting was! What did they decide!
So Mom read him a page and a half after the meeting. And he, dangling his legs, naively imagined that this would continue to continue. But when mom stopped at the most interesting place, he became worried again.
And when she handed him the book, he became even more excited.
He immediately suggested:
Come on, Mommy, I'll wash the dishes.
And he ran to wash the dishes.
He ran to his father.
The father strictly told him never to make such requests to him again.
He slipped the book to his grandmother, but she yawned and dropped it from her hands. He picked up the book from the floor and gave it back to his grandmother. But she again dropped it from her hands. No, she had never fallen asleep so quickly in her chair before! “Is it really,” thought Goga, “is she sleeping, or was she instructed at the meeting to pretend? Goga pulled her, shook her, but grandmother did not even think of waking up.
In desperation, he sat down on the floor and looked at the pictures. But from the pictures it was difficult to understand what was going on there.
He brought the book to class. But classmates refused to read to him. Even more than that: Masha immediately left, and Grisha defiantly crawled under the desk.
Goga stuck to a high school student, but he flicked his nose and laughed.
That's what a home meeting means!
That's what the public means!
He soon read the whole book and many other books, but out of habit he never forgot to go out for bread, wash the floor or wash the dishes.
That's what's interesting!
Who is surprised
Tanya is not surprised by anything. She always says: "That's not surprising!" Even if it's surprising. Yesterday, in front of everyone, I jumped over such a puddle ... No one could jump over, but I jumped over! Everyone was surprised, except Tanya.
“Think! So what? It's not surprising!"
I tried my best to surprise her. But he couldn't be surprised. No matter how much I tried.
I hit a sparrow from a slingshot.
He learned to walk on his hands, to whistle with one finger in his mouth.
She saw it all. But she wasn't surprised.
I tried my best. What I didn't do! He climbed trees, walked without a hat in winter ...
She wasn't surprised at all.
And one day I just went out into the yard with a book. Sat down on a bench. And began to read.
I didn't even see Tanya. And she says:
Marvelous! That would not have thought! He reads!
Prize
We made the original costumes - no one else will have them! I will be a horse, and Vovka a knight. The only bad thing is that he should ride me and not me on him. And all because I'm a little younger. True, we agreed with him: he will not ride me all the time. He rides me a little, and then he gets down and leads behind him, like horses are led by the bridle. And so we went to the carnival. They came to the club in ordinary costumes, and then changed and went out into the hall. I mean, we moved in. I crawled on all fours. And Vovka was sitting on my back. True, Vovka helped me - he touched the floor with his feet. But it still wasn't easy for me.
And I haven't seen anything yet. I was wearing a horse mask. I couldn't see anything at all, even though there were holes in the mask for the eyes. But they were somewhere on the forehead. I crawled in the dark.
Bumped into someone's legs. He ran into a convoy twice. Sometimes I shook my head, then the mask moved out, and I saw the light. But for a moment. And then it's dark again. I couldn't keep shaking my head!
I saw the light for a moment. And Vovka didn’t see anything at all. And all the time he asked me what was ahead. And asked to crawl more carefully. And so I crawled carefully. I didn't see anything myself. How could I know what was ahead! Someone stepped on my arm. I stopped right now. And he refused to move on. I told Vovka:
Enough. Get off.
Vovka probably liked the ride, and he didn't want to get off. He said it's still early. But still he got down, took me by the bridle, and I crawled on. Now it was easier for me to crawl, although I still could not see anything.
I offered to take off the masks and look at the carnival, and then put on the masks again. But Vovka said:
Then we will be recognized.
It's probably fun here, - I said. - Only we don't see anything ...
But Vovka walked in silence. He was determined to endure to the end. Get first prize.
My knees hurt. I said:
I will now sit on the floor.
Can horses sit? - said Vovka. - You're crazy! You are a horse!
I am not a horse, I said. You are a horse yourself.
No, you're a horse, - answered Vovka. - Otherwise we won't get a bonus.
So be it, - I said. - I'm tired.
Be patient, - said Vovka.
I crawled up to the wall, leaned against it and sat on the floor.
You are sitting? - asked Vovka.
I'm sitting, I said.
Well, okay, - Vovka agreed. - You can still sit on the floor. Just don't sit on a chair. Do you understand? A horse - and suddenly on a chair! ..
Music blared all around, laughing.
I asked:
Will it end soon?
Be patient, - said Vovka, - probably soon ...
Vovka also could not stand it. Sat on the sofa. I sat next to him. Then Vovka fell asleep on the couch. And I fell asleep too.
Then they woke us up and gave us a bonus.
In the closet
Before class, I climbed into the closet. I wanted to meow from the closet. They'll think it's a cat, but it's me.
I sat in the closet, waited for the start of the lesson and did not notice myself how I fell asleep.
I wake up - the class is quiet. I look through the crack - no one is there. He pushed the door, and it was closed. So I slept through the whole lesson. Everyone went home, and they locked me in the closet.
Stuffy in the closet and dark as night. I was scared, I started screaming:
Eee! I'm in the closet! Help!
Listened - silence all around.
ABOUT! Comrades! I'm in the closet!
I hear someone's steps. Someone is coming.
Who is yelling here?
I immediately recognized Aunt Nyusha, the cleaner.
I rejoiced, I shout:
Aunt Nyusha, I'm here!
Where are you, dear?
I'm in the closet! In the closet!
How did you, dear, get there?
I'm in the closet, grandma!
So I hear that you're in the closet. So what do you want?
I was locked in a closet. Oh, grandma!
Aunt Nyusha left. Silence again. She must have gone for the key.
Pal Palych tapped on the cabinet with his finger.
There is no one there, - said Pal Palych.
How not. Yes, - said Aunt Nyusha.
Well, where is he? - said Pal Palych and knocked again on the cabinet.
I was afraid that everyone would leave, I would stay in the closet, and I shouted with all my might:
I'm here!
Who are you? asked Pal Palych.
I... Tsypkin...
Why did you climb up there, Tsypkin?
They locked me up... I didn't get in...
Um... He's locked up! But he didn't get in! Did you see? What wizards in our school! They do not climb into the closet while they are locked in the closet. Miracles don't happen, do you hear, Tsypkin?
How long have you been sitting there? asked Pal Palych.
Don't know...
Find the key, - said Pal Palych. - Fast.
Aunt Nyusha went for the key, but Pal Palych remained. He sat down on a chair nearby and waited. I saw his face through the crack. He was very angry. He lit up and said:
Well! That's where the prank comes in. Tell me honestly: why are you in the closet?
I really wanted to disappear from the closet. They open the closet, but I'm not there. As if I had never been there. They will ask me: “Were you in the closet?” I'll say, "I didn't." They will say to me: “Who was there?” I'll say, "I don't know."
But that only happens in fairy tales! Surely tomorrow mom will be called ... Your son, they will say, climbed into the closet, slept there all the lessons, and all that ... as if it’s comfortable for me to sleep here! My legs hurt, my back hurts. One pain! What was my answer?
I was silent.
Are you alive there? asked Pal Palych.
Well, sit down, they will open soon ...
I am sitting...
So ... - said Pal Palych. - So you will answer me, why did you climb into this closet?
Who? Tsypkin? In the closet? Why?
I wanted to disappear again.
The director asked:
Tsypkin, are you?
I sighed heavily. I just couldn't answer anymore.
Aunt Nyusha said:
The class leader took the key.
Break open the door, - said the director.
I felt the door being broken - the closet shook, I hit my forehead painfully. I was afraid that the cabinet would fall, and I cried. I rested my hands on the walls of the closet, and when the door gave way and opened, I continued to stand in the same way.
Well, come out, - said the director. And tell us what that means.
I didn't move. I was scared.
Why is he worth it? the director asked.
They took me out of the closet.
I was silent all the time.
I didn't know what to say.
I just wanted to meow. But how would I put it...
carousel in the head
By the end of the school year, I asked my father to buy me a two-wheeled bicycle, a battery-powered submachine gun, a battery-powered airplane, a flying helicopter, and table hockey.
I so want to have these things! - I said to my father. - They are constantly spinning in my head like a carousel, and this makes my head spin so much that it is difficult to stay on my feet.
Hold on, - said the father, - do not fall and write all these things on a piece of paper for me so that I do not forget.
But why write, they already sit firmly in my head.
Write, - said the father, - it doesn't cost you anything.
In general, it costs nothing, - I said, - just an extra hassle. - And I wrote in large letters on the whole sheet:
WILISAPET
GUN-GUN
VIRTALET
Then I thought about it and decided to write “ice cream” again, went to the window, looked at the sign opposite and added:
ICE CREAM
Father read and says:
I'll buy you ice cream for now, and wait for the rest.
I thought he had no time now, and I ask:
Until what time?
Until better times.
Until what?
Until next year ends.
Yes, because the letters in your head are spinning like a carousel, this makes you dizzy, and the words are not on their feet.
It's like words have legs!
And I've already bought ice cream a hundred times.
Betball
Today you should not go outside - today is a game ... - said dad mysteriously, looking out the window.
Which? I asked from behind my father's back.
Wetball, - he answered even more mysteriously and put me on the windowsill.
A-ah-ah ... - I drawled.
Apparently, dad guessed that I did not understand anything, and began to explain.
Vetball is football, only trees play it, and the wind is driven instead of the ball. We say - a hurricane or a storm, and they are a wetball. Look how the birch trees rustled - they are giving them poplars ... Wow! How they swayed - it is clear that they conceded a goal, they could not hold the wind with branches ... Well, another pass! Dangerous moment...
Dad spoke just like a real commentator, and I, spellbound, looked out into the street and thought that vetball would probably give 100 points ahead to any football, basketball and even handball! Although I didn't fully understand the meaning of the latter...
Breakfast
Actually, I love breakfast. Especially if mom cooks sausage or cheese sandwiches instead of porridge. But sometimes you want something unusual. For example, today or yesterday. I once asked my mother for today, but she looked at me in surprise and offered an afternoon snack.
No, - I say, - I would just like today. Well, or yesterday, at worst ...
Yesterday there was soup for lunch ... - Mom was confused. - Would you like to warm up?
In general, I did not understand anything.
And I myself don’t really understand how these today’s and yesterday’s look and what they taste like. Maybe yesterday's people really do taste like yesterday's soup. But what then is the taste of today? Probably something today. Breakfast, for example. On the other hand, why are breakfasts so called? Well, that is, if according to the rules, then breakfast should be called today, because they cooked it for me today and I will eat it today. Now, if I leave it for tomorrow, then it's a completely different matter. Although no. After all, tomorrow it will become yesterday.
So would you like porridge or soup? she asked carefully.
How the boy Yasha ate badly
Yasha was good to everyone, he just ate badly. All the time with concerts. Either mom sings to him, or dad shows tricks. And he gets along:
- Don't want.
Mom says:
- Yasha, eat porridge.
- Don't want.
Papa says:
- Yasha, drink juice!
- Don't want.
Mom and dad got tired of persuading him every time. And then my mother read in one scientific pedagogical book that children should not be persuaded to eat. It is necessary to put a plate of porridge in front of them and wait for them to get hungry and eat everything.
They put, put plates in front of Yasha, but he does not eat and does not eat anything. He doesn't eat meatballs, soup, or porridge. He became thin and dead, like a straw.
-Yasha, eat porridge!
- Don't want.
- Yasha, eat soup!
- Don't want.
Previously, his pants were hard to fasten, but now he dangled completely freely in them. It was possible to launch another Yasha into these pants.
And then one day a strong wind blew. And Yasha played on the site. He was very light, and the wind rolled him around the site. Rolled up to the wire mesh fence. And there Yasha got stuck.
So he sat, pressed against the fence by the wind, for an hour.
Mom calls:
- Yasha, where are you? Go home with the soup to suffer.
But he doesn't go. He is not even heard. He not only became dead himself, but his voice became dead. Nothing is heard that he squeaks there.
And he squeaks:
- Mom, take me away from the fence!
Mom began to worry - where did Yasha go? Where to look for it? Yasha is not seen and not heard.
Dad said this:
- I think our Yasha was rolled away somewhere by the wind. Come on, mom, we'll take the pot of soup out onto the porch. The wind will blow and the smell of soup will bring to Yasha. On this delicious smell, he will crawl.
So they did. They carried the pot of soup out onto the porch. The wind carried the smell to Yasha.
As soon as Yasha smelled the smell of delicious soup, he immediately crawled to the smell. Because he was cold, he lost a lot of strength.
He crawled, crawled, crawled for half an hour. But he reached his goal. He came to the kitchen to his mother and how he immediately eats a whole pot of soup! How to eat three cutlets at once! How to drink three glasses of compote!
Mom was amazed. She didn't even know whether to be happy or upset. She says:
- Yasha, if you eat like this every day, I won’t have enough food.
Yasha reassured her:
– No, Mom, I don’t eat so much every day. I correct past mistakes. I bubu, like all children, eat well. I'm a completely different boy.
I wanted to say "I will", but he got "boob". Do you know why? Because his mouth was full of apples. He couldn't stop.
Since then, Yasha has been eating well.
secrets
Are you good at secrets?
If you don't know how, I will teach you.
Take a clean piece of glass and dig a hole in the ground. Put a candy wrapper in the hole, and on the candy wrapper - everything that you have beautiful.
You can put a stone, a fragment of a plate, a bead, a bird's feather, a ball (you can use glass, you can use metal).
You can use an acorn or an acorn cap.
You can have a multi-colored patch.
It can be a flower, a leaf, or even just grass.
Maybe real candy.
You can elderberry, dry beetle.
You can even eraser, if it is beautiful.
Yes, you can have another button if it's shiny.
Here you go. Have you put it down?
Now cover it all with glass and cover it with earth. And then slowly clear the ground with your finger and look into the hole ... You know how beautiful it will be! I made a “secret”, remembered the place and left.
The next day my "secret" was gone. Someone dug it up. Some bully.
I made a "secret" in another place. And they dug it up again!
Then I decided to track down who was doing this business ... And of course, this person turned out to be Pavlik Ivanov, who else ?!
Then I again made a "secret" and put a note in it:
"Pavlik Ivanov, you are a fool and a bully."
An hour later, the note was gone. Peacock did not look into my eyes.
Well, did you read it? I asked Pavlik.
I didn’t read anything,” Pavlik said. - You're a fool yourself.
Composition
One day we were told to write an essay in class on the topic “I help my mother.”
I took a pen and began to write:
"I always help my mom. I sweep the floor and wash the dishes. Sometimes I wash handkerchiefs.”
I didn't know what to write anymore. I looked at Lucy. That's what she wrote in her notebook.
Then I remembered that I washed my stockings once, and wrote:
“I also wash stockings and socks.”
I didn't really know what to write anymore. But you can’t hand over such a short essay!
Then I added:
“I also wash T-shirts, shirts and shorts.”
I looked around. Everyone wrote and wrote. I wonder what they write about? You might think that they help mom from morning to night!
And the lesson didn't end. And I had to keep going.
“I also wash dresses, mine and my mother’s, napkins and a bedspread.”
And the lesson never ended. And I wrote:
“I also love washing curtains and tablecloths.”
And then the bell finally rang!
I got a "five". The teacher read my essay aloud. She said that she liked my composition the most. And that she will read it at the parent-teacher meeting.
I asked my mother very much not to go to the parent meeting. I said that my throat hurts. But my mother told my father to give me hot milk with honey and went to school.
The following conversation took place at breakfast the next morning.
Mom: And you know, Syoma, it turns out that our daughter writes compositions wonderfully!
Dad: It doesn't surprise me. She has always been good at writing.
Mom: No, really! I'm not kidding, Vera Evstigneevna praises her. She was very pleased that our daughter loves to wash curtains and tablecloths.
Dad: What?!
Mom: Really, Syoma, is it wonderful? - Turning to me: - Why have you never admitted this to me before?
I was shy, I said. - I thought you wouldn't let me.
Well, what are you! Mom said. - Don't be shy, please! Wash our curtains today. It's good that I don't have to haul them to the laundry!
I goggled my eyes. The curtains were huge. Ten times I could wrap myself in them! But it was too late to retreat.
I washed the curtains piece by piece. While I was lathering one piece, the other was completely washed out. I'm just tired of these pieces! Then I rinsed the curtains in the bathroom piece by piece. When I finished squeezing one piece, water from neighboring pieces was again poured into it.
Then I climbed onto a stool and began to hang the curtains on a rope.
Well, that was the worst! While I was pulling one piece of the curtain onto the rope, the other fell to the floor. And in the end, the whole curtain fell to the floor, and I fell on it from the stool.
I became quite wet - at least squeeze it out.
The curtain had to be dragged back into the bathroom. But the floor in the kitchen shone like new.
Water was pouring from the curtains all day.
I put all the pots and pans we had under the curtains. Then she put the kettle on the floor, three bottles, and all the cups and saucers. But water still flooded the kitchen.
Oddly enough, my mother was pleased.
You did a great job washing the curtains! - said my mother, walking around the kitchen in galoshes. I didn't know you were so capable! Tomorrow you will wash the tablecloth...
What is my head thinking
If you think that I am a good student, you are wrong. I study hard. For some reason, everyone thinks that I am capable, but lazy. I don't know if I'm capable or not. But only I know for sure that I'm not lazy. I sit on tasks for three hours.
Here, for example, now I'm sitting and I want to solve the problem with all my might. And she does not dare. I tell my mom
Mom, I can't do it.
Don't be lazy, says mom. - Think carefully, and everything will work out. Just think carefully!
She's leaving on business. And I take my head with both hands and say to her:
Think head. Think carefully… “Two pedestrians went from point A to point B…” Head, why don't you think? Well, head, well, think, please! Well, what are you worth!
A cloud floats outside the window. It is as light as fluff. Here it stopped. No, it floats on.
Head, what are you thinking? Aren `t you ashamed!!! “Two pedestrians went from point A to point B ...” Luska, probably, also left. She is already walking. If she had approached me first, I would have forgiven her, of course. But is she suitable, such a pest ?!
"...From point A to point B..." No, it won't fit. On the contrary, when I go out into the yard, she will take Lena by the arm and will whisper with her. Then she will say: "Len, come to me, I have something." They will leave, and then they will sit on the windowsill and laugh and gnaw on seeds.
“... Two pedestrians left point A for point B...” And what will I do?.. And then I will call Kolya, Petka and Pavlik to play bast shoes. And what will she do? Yeah, she'll put on a Three Fat Men record. Yes, so loudly that Kolya, Petka and Pavlik will hear and run to ask her to let them listen. They listened a hundred times, everything is not enough for them! And then Lyuska will close the window, and they will all listen to the record there.
"... From point A to point ... to point ..." And then I'll take it and shoot something right into her window. Glass - ding! - and shatter. Let him know.
So. I'm tired of thinking. Think do not think - the task does not work. Just awful, what a difficult task! I'll walk around for a bit and start thinking again.
I closed my book and looked out the window. Lyuska alone was walking in the yard. She jumped into hopscotch. I went outside and sat down on a bench. Lucy didn't even look at me.
Earring! Vitka! Lucy immediately screamed. - Let's go to play bast shoes!
The Karmanov brothers looked out the window.
We have a throat, both brothers said hoarsely. - They won't let us in.
Lena! Lucy screamed. - Linen! Come out!
Instead of Lena, her grandmother looked out and threatened Lyuska with her finger.
Pavlik! Lucy screamed.
Nobody appeared at the window.
Pe-et-ka-ah! Luska perked up.
Girl, what are you yelling at?! Someone's head popped out of the window. - A sick person is not allowed to rest! There is no rest from you! - And the head stuck back into the window.
Luska furtively looked at me and blushed like a cancer. She tugged at her pigtail. Then she took the thread off her sleeve. Then she looked at the tree and said:
Lucy, let's go to the classics.
Come on, I said.
We jumped into the hopscotch and I went home to solve my problem.
As soon as I sat down at the table, my mother came:
Well, what's the problem?
Does not work.
But you've been sitting on it for two hours already! It's just awful what it is! They ask the children some puzzles!.. Well, let's show your task! Maybe I can do it? I did finish college. So. “Two pedestrians went from point A to point B ...” Wait, wait, this task is familiar to me! Listen, you and your dad decided it last time! I remember perfectly!
How? - I was surprised. - Really? Oh, really, this is the forty-fifth task, and we were given the forty-sixth.
At this, my mother got very angry.
It's outrageous! Mom said. - It's unheard of! This mess! Where is your head?! What is she thinking about?!
About my friend and a little bit about me
Our yard was large. There were a lot of children walking in our yard - both boys and girls. But most of all I loved Lucy. She was my friend. She and I lived in neighboring apartments, and at school we sat at the same desk.
My friend Luska had straight yellow hair. And she had eyes! .. You probably won’t believe what her eyes were. One eye green as grass. And the other is completely yellow, with brown spots!
And my eyes were kind of grey. Well, just grey, that's all. Completely uninteresting eyes! And my hair was stupid - curly and short. And huge freckles on the nose. And in general, everything at Luska was better than mine. It's just that I was taller.
I was awfully proud of it. I really liked it when we were called “Big Lyuska” and “Lyuska Little” in the yard.
And suddenly Lucy grew up. And it became unclear which of us is big and which is small.
And then she grew another half a head.
Well, that was too much! I was offended by her, and we stopped walking together in the yard. At school, I didn’t look in her direction, but she didn’t look in mine, and everyone was very surprised and said: “A black cat ran between the Lyuski,” and pestered us why we quarreled.
After school, I now did not go out into the yard. There was nothing for me to do there.
I wandered around the house and did not find a place for myself. In order not to be so bored, I stealthily, from behind the curtain, watched Luska play bast shoes with Pavlik, Petka and the Karmanov brothers.
At lunch and dinner, I now asked for more. I choked, but ate everything ... Every day I pressed the back of my head against the wall and marked my height on it with a red pencil. But strange thing! It turned out that I not only did not grow, but even, on the contrary, decreased by almost two millimeters!
And then summer came, and I went to a pioneer camp.
In the camp, I always remembered Luska and missed her.
And I wrote her a letter.
“Hello, Lucy!
How are you? I'm doing well. We have a lot of fun at camp. We have the River Vorya flowing nearby. It has blue water! And there are shells on the beach. I found a very beautiful shell for you. She is round and has stripes. She'll probably come in handy for you. Lucy, if you want, let's be friends again. Let them now call you big, and me small. I still agree. Please write me an answer.
With pioneer greetings!
Lucy Sinitsyna"
I've been waiting a whole week for an answer. I kept thinking: what if she doesn’t write to me! What if she never wants to be friends with me again! .. And when a letter finally arrived from Luska, I was so happy that my hands even trembled a little.
The letter said this:
“Hello, Lucy!
Thanks, I'm doing well. Yesterday my mother bought me wonderful slippers with a white edging. I also have a new big ball, you will swing right! Hurry up, come, otherwise Pavlik and Petka are such fools, it’s not interesting with them! Don't lose your shell.
With pioneer salute!
Lucy Kositsyna"
On that day, I carried Lucy's blue envelope with me until evening. I told everyone what a wonderful friend Lyuska I have in Moscow.
And when I returned from the camp, Lyuska, along with my parents, met me at the station. She and I rushed to hug ... And then it turned out that I had outgrown Luska by a whole head.
Call Natasha on the phone!
- Natasha is not there, what can I tell her?
Give her five roubles!
The patient came to the doctor:
- Doctor, you advised me to fall asleep, count to 100,000!
- Well, how did you fall asleep?
No, it's already morning! Sent by Yana Sukhoverkhova from Estonia, Pärnu on May 18, 2003
- Vasya! Does it bother you that you're left-handed?
- No. Every person has their own shortcomings. Here you are, for example, with which hand do you stir the tea?
- Right!
- Here you see! And normal people interfere with a spoon!
A psycho is walking down the street and dragging a thread behind him.
A passer-by asks him:
- Why are you dragging a thread behind you?
What should I push forward?
- I have a neighbor - a vampire was.
— How did you know that?
- And I drove an aspen stake into his chest, and he died.
"Boy, why are you crying so bitterly?"
- Due to rheumatism.
- What? So small, and you already have rheumatism?
- No, I got a deuce, because I wrote "rhyme" in the dictation!
— Sidorov! My patience has run out! Don't come to school tomorrow without your father!
- And the day after tomorrow?
"Petya, what are you laughing at?" Personally, I don't see anything funny!
- And you can’t see: after all, you sat on my sandwich with jam!
— Petya, how many excellent students are in your class?
“Not counting me, four.
- Are you an excellent student?
- No. That's what I said - except for me!
Phone call in the teacher's room:
— Hello! Is this Anna Alekseevna? Tolya's mother says.
— Who-whom? I can't hear well!
- Tolya! I spell it out: Tatyana, Oleg, Leonid, Ivan, Kirill, Andrey!
- What? And all the kids are in my class?
In a drawing lesson, one student turns to a neighbor on the desk:
- You drew well! I've whetted my appetite!
— Appetite? From sunrise?
- Wow! I thought you drew an egg!
During the singing lesson, the teacher said:
Let's talk about opera today. Who knows what opera is?
Vovochka raised his hand:
- I know. This is when one person kills another in a duel, and he sings for a long time before falling!
The teacher handed out notebooks after checking the dictation.
Vovochka approaches the teacher with his notebook and asks:
“Maria Ivanovna, I didn’t understand what you wrote down here!
- I wrote: "Sidorov, write legibly!"
The teacher told the lesson about the great inventors. Then she asked the students:
- What would you like to invent?
One student said:
- I would invent such an automaton: press a button - and all the lessons are ready!
- Well, lazy! the teacher laughed.
Here Vovochka raised his hand and said:
- And I would come up with a device that would press this button!
Vovochka answers in a zoology lesson:
- The length of the crocodile from head to tail is 5 meters, and from tail to head - 7 meters ...
“Think about what you are saying,” the teacher interrupts Vovochka. - Is it possible?
“It happens,” Vovochka replies. - For example, from Monday to Wednesday - two days, and from Wednesday to Monday - five!
— Vovochka, what do you want to be when you grow up?
— An ornithologist.
Is this the one who studies birds?
- Yeah. I want to cross a dove with a parrot.
- For what?
- And if suddenly the dove gets lost so that he can ask for the way home!
The teacher asks Vovochka:
What teeth are the last to appear in a person?
“Artificial,” answered Little Johnny.
Vovochka stops the car on the street:
- Uncle, take me to school!
- I'm going in the opposite direction.
- All the better!
- Dad, - says Little Johnny, - I have to tell you that tomorrow there will be a small meeting of students, parents and teachers at the school.
What does "small" mean?
“It’s just you, me, and the class teacher.
We wrote a dictation. When Alla Grigoryevna was checking notebooks, she turned to Antonov:
- Kolya, why are you so inattentive? I dictated: "The door creaked and opened." What did you write? "The door creaked and fell off!"
And everyone laughed!
“Vorobiev,” said the teacher, “you didn’t do your homework again!” Why?
— Igor Ivanovich, we had no electricity yesterday.
— And what were you doing? I suppose you watched TV?
Yeah, in the dark...
And everyone laughed!
A young teacher complains to her friend:
- One of my students completely tortured me: he makes noise, hooligans, disrupts lessons!
“But does he have at least one positive quality?”
- Unfortunately, there is - he does not miss classes ...
At the German lesson, we went through the topic "My Hobby". The teacher called Petya Grigoriev. He stood and was silent for a long time.
“I don’t hear an answer,” said Elena Alekseevna. — What is your hobby?
Then Petya said in German:
— Their bean briefmark! (I'm a postage stamp!)
And everyone laughed!
The lesson has begun. The teacher asked:
- Duty officer, who is missing from the class?
Pimenov looked around and said:
- Missing Mushkin.
At that moment, Mushkin's head appeared in the doorway:
I'm not absent, I'm here!
And everyone laughed!
It was a geometry lesson.
- Who solved the problem? asked Igor Petrovich.
Vasya Rybin was the first to raise his hand.
- Excellent, Rybin, - the teacher praised, - Please, to the blackboard!
Vasya went to the blackboard and said importantly:
Consider triangle ABCD!
And everyone laughed!
Why weren't you at school yesterday?
“My older brother is sick.
— And what about you?
And I rode his bike!
— Petrov, why are you learning English so badly?
- What for?
- What do you mean why? After all, this language is spoken by half of the globe!
“And isn’t that enough?
- Petya, if you met old Hottabych, what wish would you ask him to fulfill?
— I would ask to make London the capital of France.
- Why?
- And I answered yesterday in geography and got a deuce! ..
- Well done, mitya. dad says. — How did you manage to get an A in zoology?
- They asked me how many legs an ostrich has and I answered - three.
“Wait, but an ostrich has two legs!”
— Yes, but all the others said four!
Petya was invited to visit. They tell him:
Petya, take another piece of cake.
Thanks, I've already eaten two pieces.
“Then eat a tangerine.”
Thanks, I've already eaten three tangerines.
“Then take some fruit with you.
Thanks, I already got it!
Cheburashka found a penny on the road. Comes to the store where they sell toys. He gives a penny to the saleswoman and says:
“Give me this toy, this one, and this one!”
The saleswoman looks at him in surprise.
- Well, what are you waiting for? Cheburashka says. - Let's change, and I went!
Vovochka with dad at the zoo are standing by the cage where the lion sits.
- Dad, - says Little Johnny, - and if a lion accidentally jumps out of the cage and eats you, which bus should I take home? ..
- Dad, - asks Little Johnny, - why don't you have a car?
— No money for a car. So don't be lazy, study better, become a good specialist and buy yourself a car.
- Dad, why were you lazy at school?
“Petya,” Dad asks, “why are you limping?”
“I put my foot in the mousetrap and got pinched.
Don't poke your nose where it doesn't belong!
— Grandpa, what are you doing with this bottle? Do you want to install a boat in it?
“That's exactly what I wanted at first. And now I would be glad to just pull my hand out of the bottle!
“Daddy,” the daughter turns to her father, “our phone works ugly!”
- And why did you decide so?
- Now I was talking with my girlfriend and did not understand anything.
Have you tried taking turns speaking?
“Mom,” asked Little Johnny, “how much toothpaste is in the tube?”
- Don't know.
- And I know: from the sofa to the door!
- Dad, get on the phone! Petya called to his father, who was shaving in front of the mirror.
When dad finished the conversation, Petya asked him:
Dad, are you good at remembering faces?
“I seem to remember. And what?
“The thing is, I accidentally broke your mirror…
- Dad, what is "telefigurotivization"?
- Don't know. Where did you read it?
I didn't read it, I wrote it!
- Natasha, why are you writing a letter to your grandmother so slowly?
- It's okay: after all, grandmother also reads slowly!
Anna, what have you done! You broke a vase that was two hundred years old!
What a blessing, Mom! I thought it was brand new!
- Mom, what is etiquette?
- This is the ability to yawn with your mouth closed ...
The art teacher says to Vovochka's father:
“Your son has exceptional abilities. Yesterday he drew a fly on the desk, and I even beat off my hand, trying to drive it away!
— What's that! Recently, he made a crocodile in the bathroom, and I got so scared that I tried to jump out through the door, which was also painted on the wall.
Vovochka says to his father:
- Dad, I decided to give you a present for your birthday!
- The best gift for me, - said dad, - is if you study for one five.
“Too late, dad, I already bought you a tie!”
A little boy is watching his dad at work, who is painting the ceiling.
Mom says:
- Look, Petya, and learn. And when you grow up, you will help dad.
Petya is surprised:
“What, he won’t have finished by then?”
The hostess, hiring a new maid, asked her:
“Tell me, dear, do you like parrots?”
— Oh, don't worry, madam, I eat everything!
An auction is taking place in the pet store - there is a sale of talking parrots. One of the buyers who bought the parrot asks the seller:
Does he really speak well?
- Still would! After all, he was always raising the price!
- Petya, what will you do if you are attacked by hooligans?
- I'm not afraid of them - I know judo, karate, aikedo and other scary words!
— Hello! Animal defence community? In my yard, a postman sits on a tree and calls my poor dog names with various bad words!
The three bears return to their hut.
— Who touched my plate and ate my porridge?! Papa Bear growled.
Who touched my saucer and ate my porridge?! squeaked the little bear.
“Calm down,” said the mother bear. - There was no porridge: I didn’t cook it today!
One person caught a cold and decided to be treated by self-hypnosis. He stood in front of the mirror and began to suggest to himself:
- I won't sneeze, I won't sneeze, I won't sneeze... A-a-pchhi!!! It's not me, it's not me, it's not me...
“Mommy, why does daddy have so little hair on his head?”
- The fact is that our dad thinks a lot.
"Then why do you have such curly hair?"
- Dad, today the teacher told us about an insect that lives only one day. That's great!
- Why - "great"?
- Imagine, you can celebrate your birthday all your life!
One fisherman, a teacher by profession, caught a small catfish, admired it, and, throwing it back into the river, said:
“Go home and come tomorrow with your parents!”
Husband and wife came by car to visit. Leaving the car at the house, they tied the dog nearby and told her to guard the car. When they got ready to return home in the evening, they saw that all the wheels had been removed from the car. And a note was attached to the car: "Do not scold the dog, it was barking!"
One Englishman went into a bar with a dog and said to the visitors:
- I bet that my talking dog will now read Hamlet's monologue "To be or not to be!"
Alas, he immediately lost the bet. Because the dog didn't say a single word.
Coming out of the bar, the owner began to shout at the dog:
- Are you completely stupid? I lost a thousand pounds because of you!
"You're stupid," said the dog. “Don’t you understand that tomorrow in the same bar we can win ten times more!”
- You have a strange dog - she sleeps all day. How can she guard the house?
- It's very simple: when someone else approaches the house, we wake her up, and she starts barking.
The wolf is going to eat the hare. Hare says:
- Let's agree. I will give you three riddles. If you don't guess them, then you will let me go.
- Agree.
— A pair of black, shiny, with laces.
The wolf is silent.
- It's a pair of shoes. Now the second riddle: four black, shiny, with laces.
The wolf is silent.
- Two pairs of boots. The third riddle is the most difficult: lives in a swamp, green, croaks, starts with "la", ends with "gushka".
The wolf shouts joyfully:
- Three pairs of boots!
Bats hang from the ceiling. All, as expected, heads down, and one - head up. Mice hanging in the neighborhood are talking:
Why is she hanging upside down?
And she does yoga!
The crow found a large piece of cheese. Then a fox suddenly jumped out from behind the bushes and gave the crow a slap on the back of the head. The cheese fell out, the fox immediately grabbed it and ran away.
Stunned crow with resentment says:
- Wow, the fable was reduced!
The out of breath director of the zoo comes running to the police station:
- For God's sake, help - an elephant ran away from us!
"Calm down, citizen," said the policeman. We'll find your elephant. Name special signs!
An owl flies and shouts:
- Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!
Suddenly he hit a pole:
- Wow!
A Japanese schoolboy enters a company store that sells watches.
— Do you have a reliable alarm clock?
“There is nowhere safer,” the seller answers. “First, a siren goes off, then an artillery salvo goes off, and a glass of cold water is poured over your face. If that doesn't work, the alarm will ring the school and let you know you've got the flu!
Guide: - in front of you is a rare exhibit of our museum - a beautiful statue of a Greek warrior. Unfortunately, he is missing an arm and a leg, and his head is damaged in some places. The title is "Winner".
Visitor: Great! I'd like to see what's left of the vanquished!
A foreign tourist who has arrived in Paris addresses a Frenchman:
- I come here for the fifth time, and I see that nothing has changed!
– What needs to change? he asks.
Tourist (pointing to the Eiffel Tower):
- In the end, did they find oil here, or not?
One secular lady asked Heine:
What do you need to do to learn to speak French?
- It's not difficult, - he answered, - just instead of German words, you need to use French.
In a history lesson at a French school:
Who was the father of Louis XVI?
— Louis XV.
- Fine. What about Charles VII?
— Charles the Sixth.
What about Francis the First? Well, what are you silent?
“Francis… Zero!”
In history class, the teacher said:
Today we will repeat the old material. Natasha, ask Semyonov a question.
Natasha thought about it and asked:
What year was the War of 1812 in?
And everyone laughed.
Parents had no time, and grandfather went to the parent meeting. He came in a bad mood and immediately began to scold his grandson:
- Disgrace! It turns out that you have solid deuces in history! For example, I always had fives in this subject!
“Of course,” the grandson replied, “at the time when you were studying, the story was much shorter!
Baba Yaga asks Koshchei the Deathless:
- How did you relax on New Year's holidays?
- He shot himself a couple of times, drowned himself three times, hanged himself once - in general, he had fun!
Winnie the Pooh congratulated the donkey on his birthday, and then says:
— Eeyore, you must be many years old?
- Why do you say that?
"Judging by your ears, you've been tugged at them a lot!"
The client enters the photo studio and asks the receptionist:
- I wonder why everyone is laughing in your photos?
— And you should have seen our photographer!
- What are you complaining about? the doctor asks the patient.
“You know, by the end of the day I just fall from fatigue.
— What do you do in the evenings?
- I play the violin.
- I recommend that music lessons be stopped immediately!
When the patient left, the nurse asked the doctor in surprise:
- Ivan Petrovich, what does music lessons have to do with it?
- Absolutely nothing. It's just that this woman lives on the floor above me, and we have disgusting soundproofing!
- Yesterday I pulled out a pike weighing twenty kilograms from the hole!
- Can't be!
- That's it, I thought that no one would believe me, so I released it back ...
The summer resident addresses the owner of the dacha:
Could you lower the room rate a little?
- Yes, what are you? With such a beautiful view of the birch grove!
“And if I promise you that I won’t look out the window?”
The millionaire shows his villa to the guest and says:
- And here I am going to build three pools: one with cold water, the second with warm water, and the third without water at all.
- Without water? the guest is surprised. - For what?
The thing is, some of my friends can't swim...
At an art exhibition, one visitor asks another:
Do you think this painting depicts a sunrise or a sunset?
Of course, sunset.
- Why do you think so?
— I know this artist. He doesn't wake up before noon.
Buyer: I would like to buy some book.
Seller: - Do you want something light?
Buyer: It doesn't matter, I'm in a car!
An unknown young man set a world record in the 100 meters. The journalist is interviewing him:
— How did you do it? Have you trained a lot in any sports club?
- No, in the shooting range. I work there to change targets...
- I recently ran two kilometers in one minute at a school competition!
- You're lying! That's better than the world record!
Yes, but I know a shortcut!
Interesting and funny stories about children. Stories for children by Viktor Golyavkin. Stories for younger schoolchildren and middle school age.
We made the original costumes - no one else will have them! I will be a horse, and Vovka a knight. The only bad thing is that he should ride me and not me on him. And all because I'm a little younger. True, we agreed with him: he will not ride me all the time. He rides me a little, and then he gets down and leads behind him, like horses are led by the bridle. And so we went to the carnival. They came to the club in ordinary costumes, and then changed and went out into the hall. I mean, we moved in. I crawled on all fours. And Vovka was sitting on my back. True, Vovka helped me - he touched the floor with his feet. But it still wasn't easy for me.
And I haven't seen anything yet. I was wearing a horse mask. I couldn't see anything at all, even though there were holes in the mask for the eyes. But they were somewhere on the forehead. I crawled in the dark.
Bumped into someone's legs. He ran into a convoy twice. Sometimes I shook my head, then the mask moved out, and I saw the light. But for a moment. And then it's dark again. I couldn't keep shaking my head!
I saw the light for a moment. And Vovka didn’t see anything at all. And all the time he asked me what was ahead. And asked to crawl more carefully. And so I crawled carefully. I didn't see anything myself. How could I know what was ahead! Someone stepped on my arm. I stopped right now. And he refused to move on. I told Vovka:
- Enough. Get off.
Vovka probably liked the ride, and he didn't want to get off. He said it's still early. But still he got down, took me by the bridle, and I crawled on. Now it was easier for me to crawl, although I still could not see anything.
I offered to take off the masks and look at the carnival, and then put on the masks again. But Vovka said:
“Then they will recognize us.
“It’s probably fun here,” I said. “Only we don’t see anything ...”
But Vovka walked in silence. He was determined to endure to the end. Get first prize.
My knees hurt. I said:
- I'm going to sit on the floor.
Can horses sit? - said Vovka. - You're crazy! You are a horse!
“I am not a horse,” I said. “You are a horse yourself.
“No, you’re a horse,” Vovka replied. “Otherwise we won’t get a bonus.”
“Well, let it be,” I said. “I'm tired of it.
"Be patient," said Vovka.
I crawled up to the wall, leaned against it and sat on the floor.
- You are sitting? Vovka asked.
"I'm sitting," I said.
“All right,” agreed Vovka. “You can still sit on the floor. Just don't sit on a chair. Do you understand? A horse - and suddenly on a chair! ..
Music blared all around, laughing.
I asked:
- Will it end soon?
"Be patient," said Vovka, "probably soon..."
Vovka also could not stand it. Sat on the sofa. I sat next to him. Then Vovka fell asleep on the couch. And I fell asleep too.
Then they woke us up and gave us a bonus.
YANDREEV. Author: Viktor Golyavkin
Everything happens because of the name. I'm alphabetically first in the magazine; just about anything, they call me right away. That's why I study the worst. Here Vovka Yakulov has all fives. With his last name, this is not difficult - he is on the list at the very end. Wait to be called. And with my surname you will disappear. I began to think what I should do. At dinner I think, before going to bed I think - I just can’t think of anything. I even climbed into the closet to think that I would not be disturbed. This is what I came up with in the closet. I come to the class, I say to the guys:
- I'm not Andreev now. I am Yaandreev now.
- We have known for a long time that you are Andreev.
- No, - I say, - not Andreev, but Yaandreev, on "I" begins - Yaandreev.
- Can not understand anything. What kind of Yaandreev are you when you are just Andreev? There are no such names at all.
- Who, - I say, - does not happen, but who does. This let me know.
“It’s amazing,” says Vovka, “why you suddenly became Yaandreev!”
“You will see,” I say.
I go up to Alexandra Petrovna:
- I have, you know, the thing is this: I have now become Yaandreev. Is it possible to change the journal so that I start with "I"?
- What tricks? - says Alexandra Petrovna.
“It's not a trick at all. It's just very important to me. Then I'll be an excellent student.
