"If woman walking head down - she has a lover! If a woman walks with her head held high, she has a lover! And in general - if a woman has a head, then she has a lover! - Faina Ranevskaya claimed, but did not specify exactly how he should be. And in vain.
Everyone knows how it should be Ideal husband, but what should be the ideal lover?
We will tell you by what criteria you should choose a man "for body and soul" so that in the future you do not sob on the wreckage of your family life.
Criterion #1. Reverent attitude to health and contraception
“I’m shocked by a (potential) lover,” someone Olga complains on our forum and tells a terrible, in her opinion, story that the man with whom sex is planned offered to be tested for STDs, explaining that he responsible for his health to his wife and children. But in fact, this is the very rare case when you need to rejoice, and not complain. “I understand everything, but it’s disgusting!” - our visitor wrinkles her nose. You might think that getting a “bouquet” of sexually transmitted diseases from a frivolous partner, for a long time (and sometimes unsuccessfully) secretly being treated, laying out round sums, and somehow explaining the fact of the presence of “shameful” diseases to her husband, is not disgusting!
Be sure to discuss the issues of contraception "ashore". If a man is sure that protection is an exclusively female responsibility, and in general, “he doesn’t feel anything in a condom,” think carefully, are you ready to stay up at night, wondering where these “irritation, dryness, burning” come from? Google, what is the difference between subcutaneous wen and hard syphilitic chancres, and diagnose yourself on the Internet, being afraid to go to the KVD? Are you ready for a DNA test to find out once and for all whose child was born? Are they able to radically get rid of the consequences excessive credulity and get an abortion?
Criterion #2. His business interests should not interfere with the interests of her husband (and yours too)
There is nothing worse than one day “suddenly” discovering that it was not your charms that pushed into your lover’s arms, but his desire to mischief with your spouse and / or find out a trade secret, combining business with pleasure. Here, no direct questions are needed for a man - social media, common acquaintances and the press to help you to exclude revenge and other selfish motives. However, think three times, is it worth it to go to bed with a person who can cause a lot of trouble to you personally and ruin your burgeoning career with one call?
Criterion number 3. Free schedule
It is incredibly difficult, almost impossible for a person whom the bosses are used to seeing from 9 to 18 at the workplace, and his wife (or mother) from 18-30 at home, almost impossible to diversify intimate life without arousing suspicion. A rolling schedule or the ability to decide for yourself where and when it should be will give the two of you much more erotic opportunities and perspectives.
You are not embarrassed by rare, almost like Stirlitz and his wife, meetings, and a man - the need to come up with new reliable stories about where he was and why he was delayed? Then welcome to the club of those whom difficulties only excite! However, in this case, one should consider what is more important - to feel desired again or to get a "horse" dose of adrenaline? If, nevertheless, the second, then there are a lot of other, more harmless (we are now talking about conscience, and not about injuries) ways to get it - capoeira, skydiving, soaring in a wind tunnel, historical reconstructions etc.
Criterion number 4. Sense of tact
One of the important male skills is the ability to make gifts that do not complicate the life of his beloved. Yes, you can say that you yourself bought flowers to “refresh” your husband’s feelings, and even somehow explain incredible story the appearance of a diamond ring with the kindness of a great-aunt on my father's side. But what to do, for example, with a car (not new, but with mileage) or hundreds of heart-shaped gel balloons? In this case, tact is preferable to romantic impulses, unless you subconsciously want to destroy your family, but at the same time not take responsibility for what is happening.
Predicting how a man is prone to broad gestures is quite difficult. But he will almost certainly do this if he is a so-called demonstrative type - a priori he has lordly, merchant habits, cannot imagine himself without playing for the public; if he is a poseur, loves to be in the spotlight and adheres to the principle "If you love, then the queen, if you steal, then a million."
Ideally, the lover should smell the same perfume as the husband. Or even the same "unisex" as you. Have an easy-to-remember phone number (it’s not a problem to buy a “beautiful” number now). And do not use unusual, memorable words that you could “catch” from him - just in case.
Criterion number 5. Gifted by nature, imagination and size
Sexual compatibility is not a myth. If you were unable to verify this on own experience together with her husband, this does not mean that she does not exist. But you should not rush to embody your own fantasies with the first person you meet - what if you are disappointed? We recommend that you carefully study our material - and only then move from theory to practice with a suitable candidate.
Criterion number 6. Ability to keep one's mouth shut
you jumped into this forbidden love, as if in a whirlpool, with your head, and you do not want to think or discuss what will happen next. Well - a great position, except that it somewhat resembles the situation in a zoo, where a sign hangs over a cage with an ostrich: "Do not scare the bird, the floor is concrete!" No matter how dizzying the novel may be, at the dawn of its occurrence, it still makes sense to listen to how and in what expressions a man speaks of his ex girls, friends with whom he is in a quarrel, etc. And do not even try to console yourself that everything will be completely different with you! Men, unlike fashion trends, are distinguished by enviable constancy, so that the fate of his previous passions awaits you, unless he himself is married.
Criterion number 7. A disadvantage that you are not ready to put up with on a permanent basis
The ideal lover, by default, should remain a lover without turning into a weapon of mass destruction of families. By by and large, this is possible only in one case - if you like a man, but there is something in him that causes irritation in large doses. Pedantry, turning into tediousness, or recklessness, the manner of making an elephant out of a fly or a tendency to downplay the scope of a disaster, or maybe the habit of folding an intricate bundle from a used condom - such things can serve as an excellent brake mechanism that will not let you do stupid things.
But we did not find a clear answer to the question of whether the ideal lover of a married woman should be married himself.
If a woman walks with her head down, she has a lover! If a woman walks with her head held high, she has a lover! If a woman keeps her head straight - she has a lover! And in general - if a woman has a head, then she has a lover!
***
This lady can already choose for herself whom she impresses.
***
God made women beautiful so that men could love them, and stupid so they could love men.
***
Women are smarter, of course. Have you ever heard of a woman who would lose her head just because a man has beautiful legs?
***
About director Z.: Perpetum male.
***
What I do? I pretend to be healthy.
***
- Faina Georgievna, how are you?
- Do you know, my dear, what is shit? So this is it compared to my life? jam.
***
On an empty stomach, a Russian person does not want to do anything and think, but on a full stomach, he cannot.
***
Animals, which are few, were listed in the Red Book, and which are many - in the Book of Tasty and Healthy Food.
***
I'm like an old palm tree at the station - no one needs it, but it's a pity to throw it away.
***
To the question: "Are you sick, Faina Georgievna?" - she habitually answered: "No, I just look like that."
***
"All my life I've been swimming in the toilet with a butterfly stroke"
***
My life ... I lived around, everything did not work out. Like a redhead by the carpet.
***
Companion of glory - loneliness.
***
He will die from the expansion of fantasy.
***
Kritikess - Amazons in menopause.
***
A fairy tale is when he married a frog, and she turned out to be a princess. A true story is when the opposite is true.
***
I spoke long and unconvincingly, as if I were talking about the friendship of peoples.
***
I feel myself, but not well.
***
Sclerosis cannot be cured, but it can be forgotten.
***
If the patient really wants to live, doctors are powerless.
***
Family replaces everything. Therefore, before you start it, you should think about what is more important to you: everything or family.
***
Let it be a little gossip that should disappear between us.
***
I don't see faces, but personal insults.
***
Old age is the time when candles on a birthday cake cost more than the cake itself, and half of the urine goes to tests.
***
Making a bad movie is like spitting into eternity.
***
I am watching this film for the fourth time and I must tell you that today the actors played like never before.
***
Success is the only unforgivable sin in relation to your loved one.
***
I lived with many theaters, but I never enjoyed it
***
I get letters: "Help me become an actor." I answer: "God will help!"
***
Health is when you have pain in a different place every day.
***
Old age is when they don't bother bad dreams but bad reality.
***
A real man is a man who remembers a woman's birthday exactly and never knows how old she is. A man who never remembers a woman's birthday but knows exactly how old she is is her husband.
***
It has always been incomprehensible to me - people are ashamed of poverty and not ashamed of wealth.
***
You have to live in such a way that even the bastards remember you.
***
I was smart enough to live my life stupidly.
***
Do you understand my shallow thought?
***
Explaining to someone why the condom is white, Ranevskaya said:
- Because White color fat.
***
The great Russian actress Alexandra Yablochkina was a girl until old age. Once she asked Ranevskaya how, in fact, they make love. After a detailed story by Ranevskaya, Yablochkina exclaimed:
- God! And all this without drugs!
***
- Faina, - her old friend asks, - do you think medicine is making progress?
- And how. When I was young, I had to undress every time I went to the doctor, but now it’s enough to show my tongue.
***
Once Ranevskaya demanded from Tanya Shcheglova, an engineer by profession, to explain to her why iron ships do not sink. Tanya tried to remind Ranevskaya of Archimedes' law.
- What are you, dear, I had a deuce, - Faina Georgievna complained absently.
- Why, when you sit in the bath, the water is forced out and pours onto the floor? Tanya insisted.
“Because I have a big ass,” Ranevskaya answered sadly.
***
Why, Faina Georgievna, do you not put your signature under this play? You almost rewrote it for the author!
- And it suits me. I play the role of eggs: I participate, but do not enter.
***
The fabric on Ranevskaya's skirt thinned from long wear. Faina Georgievna, rather with pleasure than with regret, states, looking at the hole: - Nothing can restrain the pressure of beauty!
***
Our people are the most gifted, kind and conscientious. But almost somehow it turns out that constantly, eighty percent, we are surrounded by idiots, scammers and creepy ladies without dogs. Trouble!" (From a notebook.)
***
Ranevskaya once said that according to the results of a study conducted among two thousand modern women, it turned out that twenty percent, i.e. one in five do not wear panties.
- Excuse me, Faina Georgievna, but where could they have printed this with us?
- Nowhere. The data was received by me personally from the seller in the shoe store.
***
What is the difference between smart and wise? - asked Ranevskaya.
“The smart one knows how to get out of a difficult situation, but the wise one never gets into it.
***
Ranevskaya was asked:
- How can a person with whom misfortune befall be comforted?
-- Clever man consoled when he realizes the inevitability of what happened. The fool takes comfort in the fact that the same will happen to others.
***
- A woman, in order to succeed in life, must have two qualities. She must be smart enough to please stupid men, and stupid enough to please smart men, said Ranevskaya.
***
Once Ranevskaya was asked:
Why are beautiful women more successful than smart ones?
- It's obvious - after all, there are very few blind men, and stupid men are a dime a dozen.
***
You know I don't like flowers. Trees are thinkers, and flowers are cocottes.
***
The boy said: "I'm angry with Pushkin, the nanny told him fairy tales, and he wrote them down and passed them off as his own."
"Lovely!" - Ranevskaya conveyed what she heard. After a deep sigh, the following followed:
"But I'm afraid the boy is still a complete idiot."
***
It remains unclear whether this was a slip of the tongue or a joke:
Why are all women so stupid?
***
How many times does a woman blush in her life?
- Four times: on the wedding night, the first time he cheats on her husband, the first time he takes money, the first time he gives money.
- And the man?
- Twice: the first time - when the second cannot, the second - when the first cannot.
***
“Today I killed five flies,” said Ranevskaya. - Two males and three females.
- How did you define it?
“Two sat on a beer bottle, and three on a mirror.
***
In the presence of Ranevskaya, one day the conversation turned to modern youth
- You are right, - remarked Faina Georgievna, - today's youth is terrible. But what's even worse is that we don't belong to it.
***
"Either I'm getting old and stupid, or the youth of today is like nothing else!" Ranevskaya complained. Before, I just didn’t know how to answer their questions, but now I don’t even understand what they are asking about.
***
- On an empty stomach, a Russian person does not want to do anything and think, but on a full stomach, he cannot.
***
Ranevskaya liked to repeat: from life it is necessary, if possible, to eliminate everything that needs money. But with annoyance, she added Balzac's aphorism: "Money is needed, even in order to do without it."
***
- Why do you play for money?
-- You can play for money in three cases: if you have abilities and money, if you don't have money, but you have abilities, and if you don't have abilities, but you have money.
***
“Nature has carefully thought out the structure of our body,” Ranevskaya once remarked philosophically. - So that we can see how much we overeat, our stomach is located on the same side of the body as the eyes.
***
- Faina Georgievna, what do you think, sitting in the toilet is mental work or physical?
- Of course, mental. If it was physical labor I would hire a person.
***
Oleg Dal said:
- The scene is filmed on location. In an open field. Ranevskaya's stomach doesn't matter. She retires to a green house somewhere on the horizon. No and no, no and no. Several times they send a dead man: has something happened? Ranevskaya responds, reassures, says that she is alive, and again she is still gone and gone.
Finally, she appears and majestically says: "Lord! Who would have thought that there is so much shit in a person!"
***
After the evening reading, the ersatz grandson asked Ranevskaya:
“And how did Little Red Riding Hood know that it wasn’t Grandma that was lying on the bed, but Gray wolf?
- Yes, it's very simple: the granddaughter counted her legs - the wolf has already four legs, and the grandmother has only two. You see, Leshenka, how important it is to know arithmetic!
***
Once, when Ranevskaya was still living in the same apartment with the Woolfs, and little Alyosha was capricious at night and did not fall asleep, Pavel Leontyevna suggested:
"Maybe I can sing something to him?"
“Well, why do it all at once,” Ranevskaya objected. "Let's try again in a good way."
***
-- Fufa! - wakes up Ranevskaya ersatz-grandson. “I think a mouse is squeaking somewhere...
"Well, what do you want from me?" Should I go and lubricate her?
***
Ranevskaya explains to her grandson how the fairy tale differs from the past:
- A fairy tale is when he married a frog, and she turned out to be a princess. And the reality is when the opposite is true.
***
- When you get married, Alyoshenka, then you will understand what happiness is.
-Yes?
-- Yes. But it will be too late.
***
Ersatz-grandson asks Fufa:
- What is it that you drink something from a bottle all the time, and then squeak "wee-wee-wee"
- This is the medicine, - Ranevskaya answers. Can you read? Then read: "Take after meals."
The union of a stupid man and a stupid woman gives birth to the heroine mother. The union of a stupid woman and a smart man creates a single mother. Union smart woman and begets a stupid man ordinary family. The union of a smart man and a smart woman gives rise to easy flirting.
If a woman tells a man that he is the smartest, then she assumes that she will not find another such fool.
God made women beautiful so that men could love them, and stupid so they could love men.
Women are smarter, of course. Have you ever heard of a woman who would lose her head just because a man has beautiful legs?
If a woman walks with her head held high, she has a lover! If a woman walks with her head down, she has a lover! If a woman keeps her head straight - she has a lover! And in general, if a woman has a head, then she has a lover!
What do you think women tend to be more faithful - brunettes or blondes?
A real man is a man who remembers a woman's birthday exactly and never knows how old she is. A man who never remembers a woman's birthday, but knows exactly how old she is, is her husband.
A young actress once asked Ranevskaya:
Faina Georgievna, why do you think men beautiful woman more successful than smart?
Baby, it's so easy! There are not too many blind men in the world, but stupid men - at least a dime a dozen ...
Why do women spend so much time and money appearance and not the development of intelligence?
Because there are far fewer blind men than stupid ones.
I received a lot of invitations to dates. The first, in early youth, was unsuccessful. The schoolboy struck me with his cap, where above the visor was the magnificent coat of arms of the gymnasium, and the crown on the sides was lowered and lay on the ears. This splendor drove me crazy. Arriving on a date, I found specified place the girl who asked me to leave because I sat on the bench where she had a date. Soon a hero appeared, not at all embarrassed at the sight of both of us. The hero sat down between us and began to whistle. And the opponent demanded that I leave immediately. To which I reasonably replied: “At this place I have an appointment, and I will not go anywhere.” The opponent said that she would not budge. I made the same statement. Each of us defended our rights for a long time. Then the hero and the rival whispered. After that, the opponent picked up several weighty stones from the ground and began to throw them at me. I cried and left the battlefield ... I told Marshak about my first date, he laughed: he liked the fact that, after returning to the battlefield, I said: “You will see, God will punish you!” And she left, full of dignity.
More than anything in my life, I loved falling in love.
Ranevskaya spoke at one of the literary and theatrical evenings, where one of the young girls asked:
Faina Georgievna, what is love?
After a little thought, Ranevskaya answered:
But I remember that it is something very pleasant.
It's amazing, - Ranevskaya once said, - when I was twenty years old, I thought only about love, but now I just like to think.
Once I forgot a chandelier in a trolleybus. New, just bought. She stared at someone and flirted so desperately that she went out through the back door without a chandelier: on one hand was a handbag, the other was busy with air kisses ...
Ranevskaya was asked if she had ever been in love.
But what about, - said Ranevskaya, - I was nineteen years old, I entered the provincial troupe - I immediately fell in love. In the first hero-lover! He was such a handsome man! And I, to tell the truth, was terrible, like a mortal sin ... But I loved to walk around, goggled my eyes at him, he, of course, zero attention ... And one day he suddenly comes up and says in his chic baritone: “Baby, Do you rent a room near the theater? So wait tonight: I'll be with you at seven o'clock."
I ran to the entrepreneur, took money as a salary, bought wine, all kinds of food, dressed, put on makeup - I'm waiting. At seven he's gone, at eight he's gone, at nine o'clock he comes... Drunk and with a woman! “Baby,” he says, “take a walk somewhere for a couple of hours, my dear!”
Since then, not only to fall in love - I can’t look at them: bastards and scoundrels!
Tolstoy said that there is no death, but there is love and memory of the heart. The memory of the heart is so painful, it would be better if it did not exist ... It would be better to kill the memory forever.
One of Faina Georgievna's good acquaintances constantly experienced dramas because of her love relationship with a colleague whose name was Sima. Periodically, he abandoned her, she regularly shed tears after another quarrel, from time to time had abortions from him. Thanks to Ranevskaya, the nickname stuck to the young woman: "The Victim of Hera Sima."
I will have a happy day when you become impotent, ”Ranevskaya said in her hearts to an overly importunate boyfriend.
Ranevskaya was asked if she knew the reasons for the divorce of her friends. Faina Georgievna, without hesitation, said:
They had different tastes: she loved men, and he loved women.
You won’t believe it, Faina Georgievna, but no one has kissed me yet, except for the groom.
Are you bragging, my dear, or are you complaining?
Somehow a conversation came up about a man and a woman in a love affair.
That is, you want to say, Faina Georgievna, that they live like husband and wife? - a curious interlocutor is trying to find out all the details.
No, much better, - Ranevskaya answers.
Honey, today I slept with the door open. What if someone came in? - Complains Ranevskaya friend of retirement age.
Well, how much can you be deceived! Faina Georgievna was not slow to answer.
As you know, the actress Alexandra Yablochkina remained a girl until her old age.
On occasion, she tried to find out from Ranevskaya the details of the love process itself, what feelings a woman experiences at the same time. After a detailed story, Yablochkina uttered a sacramental phrase:
God! And all this without drugs!
While on tour, a group of artists with nothing to do went to the zoo in the afternoon. Among them was Ranevskaya. And in one of the cells before them appeared amazing view a deer, on whose head instead of two horns grew as many as four.
What a strange animal! What's the focus? - someone was surprised.
I think that this is just a widower who had the imprudence to marry again, Faina Georgievna suggested.
Faina Georgievna once said that in the rest house, where she had recently visited, a competition was announced for the most short story. The theme is love. But there are four conditions:
First, the story must mention the queen.
Secondly, God is mentioned.
Thirdly, to have some sex.
Fourth, there was mystery.
The first prize was given to a story consisting of one phrase:
Oh my God! the queen exclaimed. - I seem to be pregnant and it is not known from whom!
Ranevskaya returns home from the tour, besides her, there are three more women in the compartment. They are talking to each other about the past vacation.
One says:
I will return home and confess everything to my husband.
The second admires:
Well, you are brave!
The third condemns:
Well, you are stupid!
Well, you have a memory! - the actress did not fail to throw her cue.
Back in the 60s, Ranevskaya told a story that instantly became a popular anecdote. She went with several theater artists on a ticket to the Black Sea. And the husband of one of them got a ticket to a nearby sanatorium.
So the husband came to visit his wife. They walk along the alley, and all the men they meet bow very politely to his wife. Husband asked:
Who is this?
These are the members of my circle...
Then everyone went to accompany her husband to his sanatorium. Many women bow to him.
And who is it? the wife asks.
And these are the mugs of my penis.
Faina Georgievna, what does a woman look like if you put her upside down?
For a piggy bank.
And the man?
Solve the crossword puzzle:
The female genital organ of five letters?
Vertically or horizontally?
Horizontally.
Then the mouth.
Explaining why the condom is white, Ranevskaya said:
Because the white color is full.
A boy and a girl are sitting on a bench. The young man is very shy, and the girl really wants him to kiss her. Then she says:
Oops, my cheek hurts.
The young man kisses her on the cheek.
Well, does it hurt now?
No, it doesn't hurt.
After a while again:
Oops, my neck hurts!
The young man kisses her on the neck.
Well, does it hurt?
No, it doesn't hurt.
Ranevskaya, who was sitting nearby, asked the young man:
Young man, do you treat hemorrhoids?
How many times does a woman blush in her life?
Four: on the wedding night, when he cheats for the first time, when he takes money for the first time, when he gives money for the first time.
And the man?
Twice: the first time - when the second cannot, the second - when the first cannot.
You have to live in such a way that even the bastards remember you.
Faina Georgievna, how are you?
- Do you know, my dear, what is shit? So this is it compared to my life? jam.
On an empty stomach, a Russian person does not want to do anything and think, but on a full stomach, he cannot.
Animals, which are few, were listed in the Red Book, and which are many - in the Book of Tasty and Healthy Food.
Lesbianism, homosexuality, masochism, sadism are not perversions. There are, in fact, only two perversions: field hockey and ballet on ice.
If a woman walks with her head down, she has a lover! If a woman walks with her head held high, she has a lover! If a woman keeps her head straight - she has a lover! And in general - if a woman has a head, then she has a lover!
This lady can already choose for herself whom she impresses.
God made women beautiful so that men could love them, and stupid so they could love men.
Women are smarter, of course. Have you ever heard of a woman who would lose her head just because a man has beautiful legs?
Looking at the hole in her skirt: Nothing can hold back the pressure of beauty!
About director Z.: Perpetum male.
Spelling errors in a letter are like bed bugs on a white blouse.
What I do? I pretend to be healthy.
I'm like an old palm tree at the station - no one needs it, but it's a pity to throw it away.
To the question: "Are you sick, Faina Georgievna?" - she habitually answered: "No, I just look like that."
"All my life I've been swimming in the toilet with a butterfly stroke"
My life ... Lived around, everything failed. Like a redhead by the carpet.
Companion of glory - loneliness.
He will die from the expansion of fantasy.
Kritikess - Amazons in menopause.
A fairy tale is when he married a frog, and she turned out to be a princess. A true story is when the opposite is true.
I spoke long and unconvincingly, as if I were talking about the friendship of peoples.
I feel myself, but not well.
Sclerosis cannot be cured, but it can be forgotten.
If the patient really wants to live, doctors are powerless.
Family replaces everything. Therefore, before you start it, you should think about what is more important to you: everything or family.
Let it be a little gossip that should disappear between us.
I don't see faces, but personal insults.
Old age is the time when candles on a birthday cake cost more than the cake itself, and half of the urine goes to tests.
So that we can see how much we overeat, our stomach is located on the same side as the eyes.
Making a bad movie is like spitting into eternity.
I am watching this film for the fourth time and I must tell you that today the actors played like never before.
Success is the only unforgivable sin in relation to your loved one.
I lived with many theaters, but I never enjoyed it
I get letters: "Help me become an actor." I answer: "God will help!"
Health is when you have pain in a different place every day.
Old age is when it's not bad dreams that bother you, but bad reality.
A real man is a man who remembers a woman's birthday exactly and never knows how old she is. A man who never remembers a woman's birthday but knows exactly how old she is is her husband.
It has always been incomprehensible to me - people are ashamed of poverty and not ashamed of wealth.
I was smart enough to live my life stupidly.
Do you understand my shallow thought?
