It is easy and pleasant to tell the truth, - the prisoner noted.
"I don't need to know," in a strangled, angry voice
Pilate answered, “whether it is pleasant or unpleasant for you to speak
the truth. But you have to say it. But by saying
weigh every word if you don't want not only
inevitable but painful death.
Quote from Bulgakov's The Master and Margarita
Let's start with a little thing that is easy to consider. Let, for example, the site customer calls with the words “On home page the logo loads quickly, but for some reason it is slow on the news page. Correct it urgently! ”, But he does not have at least some qualifications. What to do?
If you always tell the truth, then you will have to tell him that the logo image has long been in the cache of his browser, so it generally loads instantly (up to braking caused by the activity of heavy programs and viruses on the customer's computer). But will he understand it?.. If he is able to understand, he would not call because of such nonsense, right?
Therefore, an experienced performer says: “Ah, exactly. We'll fix it now. Check back in 5 minutes. If it doesn't get faster, then call." Naturally, the customer does not call back. Question: did the performer lie? On the one hand, he promised that he would fix it, but did not do anything. On the other hand, he promised that the problem would be solved - and it was just solved. And what is more important for us: that a person is tired or that the work is done?
Some things are too complex to describe in detail. Therefore, it is easier to shorten the story a little, introducing minor deviations from the truth into it - this will unload the heads of other people, which often turns out to be more correct than a thorough retelling of real events.
Another example: your beloved grandmother gave you a vase a year ago, and you put it on a higher cabinet (because there is not enough space anyway). And so the grandmother asks if the vase looks good, do you like it? You can, of course, upset an elderly person by answering: “Oh, but we have never had time to put flowers in it” ... Or you can say: “This is the most beautiful vase in our house! All her friends immediately notice her when they come to us. Is the second sentence false? In fact, many noticed an unusual beautiful vase on the closet ... And the second answer is clearly more pleasant for the grandmother. And he is almost truthful ... Is it worth it to insist on the truth in this case?
Or else it happens: girlfriends unmarried girl decide to help her - "find a couple" (remember the puzzle about the picky bride?). They come to her and say: “We know such a healthy single man who is neat and attentive, earns money, and is an athlete.” Well, even a photograph is poked in her face. And although she is unmarried, she does not want to go this way. Yes, he doesn't want to. But she knows that if you say “I don’t want to”, then they will persuade her for another three hours. And all the same, then they will "arrange a sudden meeting" at someone's birthday or other holiday. Therefore, knowing all this alignment, she says: “What a great fellow you are, thank you very much, give me his phone number - I will meet him!” And that's where the epic ends. Maximum - girlfriends in a week will ask "Well, how?", To which they can answer that "There was no spark." This is a lie? Yes. But there were not so many other options. You can’t do everything the way other people want (even the best girlfriends).
A wise person will say that he would not be in any of these situations because
1) would not work with such a stupid customer,
2) I would definitely put flowers in my grandmother's vase on the very first day, so that there would not even be a reason to lie,
3) would have lived long ago family life or would have such girlfriends who do not climb into someone else's life so intrusively.
But are all of us so wise? Or do we just strive for wisdom, and sometimes we still have to be “just smart” - people who know how to get out of difficult situations, if you have not already been able to prevent them in advance .
Life is too short to tell the truth, but simple questions wasting an hour instead of a minute... Right? Or not?
Where do you draw the line between "I always tell the truth" and "I can sometimes lie if it benefits all parties"? What kind of lies do you consider acceptable?
Another trolleybus. Rush hour again, but I sat on the ring, so there are not so many people yet.
The salon is still half empty (for optimists - half full). This time, I'm sitting comfortably by the window.
At the stop at the next "reservation" (kindergarten), a stylish young woman comes in, simply, pleasant, and with her - a girl, 4-5 years old, pleasant in all respects. Blue eyes, plump lips, round muzzle, long hair incomparable color of ripe wheat, and even curly, - a feast for the eyes! She is dressed in a yellow-pink sarafan, on her head is a lush orange bow. Cherubimchik, and nothing more!
They sat down opposite me, fidgeted, settled themselves comfortably. The girl stretched out her legs and rubbed herself against the back of the seat: otherwise they would hang out. And immediately turns on her phone, but mom gently but decisively takes it away and hides it in her purse:
- Come on, Katya, let's talk. You tell me how the day went, how you behaved ...
Well done, Mom. She ate with appetite, obeyed, did not play pranks! - in a sing-song voice, as if singing a song, Katya cheerfully answers in an angelic voice. - Give me the phone, please.
My mother's eyebrows faintly erupted wrinkles: - Didn't forget anything, Katya?
The girl begins to stare at the ceiling intently. - You already snitched, right? ..
- Katya, what kind of expression?! She didn't snitch, she reported. - Mother instructively corrects, - Isn't it from you that I should learn this?
“So I didn’t have time,” Katya says with a sigh, lowering her eyes. She always lays first. As parents come, he immediately hurries, and loses more slippers. - From the threshold he shouts: "- Veg" onika Seg "geevna, and your Vitya pg" yamo neveg "was very belligerent! - How - bellowed ?! - He repulsed" ately today God ate "sch!" she mimicked in adult voices. I hid my slipper once. - a dreamy smile illuminates her face, - Unintentionally ... - she adds hastily.
- I hope you gave it to her right away ?!
Katya sighs again and turns to the window. - Almost. she answers after a pause.
What does "almost" mean? - wrinkles on the glabella become deeper.
- Well, mommy, is she playing with us?
- Plays, of course! This is necessary for development. Pause.
- Vooot ... - Katya draws thoughtfully, admiring the "cork" outside the window. - What - here ?! And I played...
What does "played" mean? - - In the "Battle of psychics" - Katya smiled at something.
- Whom? - Well, those are the ones who find everything at once. Or all.
- Katya, firstly - psychics. Secondly - why - "abominations" ?! How long did you play with her?
- A little bit, Mom. You were just late picking me up..
- A little - how much? - Well, you and dad didn't give me a watch. So I don't know.
- Kate!
The girl suddenly became interested in a colorful sock in a sandal: - Probably still ..
- How - "until now"?! - Well, I took slippers, mommy, took a spatula, went out and hid slippers in a flowerbed ... In the program, they always hide like that, and they always find it!
- You buried Rita Solomonovna's slippers?!
- I'm not deep, mommy ...
Pause. Now from the mother's side.
- I hope you gave her slippers?
Katya is silent.
- Kate!
- I honestly wanted to, mommy. I thought: she herself will find ... She sees everything! And then - I forgot. Wow...
- Is she still in one slipper?!
- Well, no, of course not. She has been wearing new clothes for a long time. It's not my fault that she's not a psychic! Turns out...
- Okay, we'll discuss that later. Mom sighs. - Well, keep going...
- Mom, you yourself already know .. - the unfortunate Katya muttered.
- I'm interested to hear from you.
- Well, Rita Solomonovna read us a fairy tale. About Little Red Riding Hood. And I entered into a discourse... into a discourse.
- To the discussion, Katya. With whom?..
- With Vadik.
Is that what it's called now? More..
- Well, I said that my mother herself had to carry pies if she knew that wolves live in the forest. Or call your grandmother to come. Until they get cold...
- Mom was busy, as far as I remember. And my grandmother was sick. What - let the wolf eat her?!
- Grandma - would not have eaten! Even wild dogs will run away from our grandmother. I saw it myself.
- They run away. Mom automatically corrects. - And it happened by accident.
- Yeah, by accident! You were not with us then, but I was! They wanted to pounce and bite us already, but the grandmother barked at them, and they whined so suddenly ... And they ran away right away!
- They ran away, Katya ... And she didn’t bark, but coughed! Okay, don't get distracted.
- Here you go. And Vadik said that he would not be afraid to go into the forest, and that I would trot ... A goat, - Katyusha added quite quietly.
- And what are you?..
- I told him ... I objected.
- Yah? Mom didn't believe it.
Pause.
- Well, it's my fault that he doesn't understand when it's good?!
- And what did you do, Katya
- Slammed...
- What?..
- Well, I pushed a little...
- Catherine!!
- Mommy! - and, after another pause: - I gave him in the eye. And he cried ... And in front of the wolf he would ... crap one's pants all over, in general!
- This is how your dad taught you: in the eye? - sarcastically asks mom.
Katerina is all focused on the sock, from which it sticks out so funny thumb...
- I'm waiting..
- Dad teaches me differently. This is a grandmother ... (in a whisper).
- Taught in the eye to give? - And not only...
- What else? - In the balls ... (very quietly).
- I can not hear?
- I taught you how to kick in the balls! - shouted Katya, exhausted by the interrogation.
By this time, the trolleybus was crowded tightly, people were napping, sitting and even standing. But the cry woke up many... Dozens of pairs of eyes with binoculars on the axis, as if by agreement, stared at the sweet couple.
Mom looked around in dismay.
- Okay, we'll talk to grandma later. In the meantime: for Vadik, beaten by you, - today you lose a cake. This will teach you...
“Mommy,” Katya pleaded.
- You didn't realize? Then tomorrow too.
- And this is - for what? Katya asked in a sarcastic voice.
- For hiding, hiding, not telling. The truth will still come out. you know .. The truth is generally easy and pleasant to speak! And this is always beneficial.
“Not really,” Katya said, frowning.
- Well, you told me everything - well, almost everything - and it became much easier. So?
- Well, yes! No cake?!
- Cake. But you will remember that the truth must always be told! - and a proud mother took out a phone from Katyushin's bag.
But for some reason Katya was in no hurry to take it. Her face seemed to be lit up with an angelic light, a smile dawned on her lips, her eyes rose in grief ... She folded her hands in a neat lock, straightened her legs and even put her thumb back into her sock.
- Always, mommy? she asked innocently.
“Of course, always,” Mom handed her the phone.
And then, Katenka sang in recitative, referring exclusively to the cracked ceiling lamp:
- And our glorious, beautiful, kind mother has one little secret ...
- Kate! gasped the flabbergasted mother.
- Our beautiful, sweet mother protects one little taaaina ... - Katyusha inspired with inspiration. - And now we will tell it to everyone, everyone, right, mommy? ...
- Katya, what are you? Mom took her hand.
- We'll tell it to everyone, because it's true, - Katya sang sweeter than a nightingale.
People held their breath, tuning their ears...
- And the truth must be told all the time, yes, mommy? Katya looked at her closely. - Once, a wonderful evening, our mother went out for a walk ...
At that moment, her mother, who quickly turned red, grabbed her hand and squeezed it tightly.
- Kate! She said VERY sternly.
“Yes, mommy,” her daughter turned to her.
- Do not dare!
“She went out for a walk with her dog,” Katya continued thoughtfully, turning away. But a little quieter.
- You will have a cake.
- When? the daughter asked matter-of-factly.
- Tomorrow.
Katya cleared her throat and opened her mouth again.
- Fine. And now we will buy. Mom said quickly.
Katya was waiting. - I think enough? - trying to become strict again, mother asked in a broken voice.
Katya again raised her eyes and: - Once, my beautiful mommyaaaa ...
- Well, what else do you want? - Cake. - briefly answered the daughter, not taking her eyes off the ceiling.
- No, Katya!
I went for a walk with the dog...
- Let the cake - agreed compliant mommy.
- The biggest one! And I will choose!
- Let her do it herself, - my mother no longer spoke, but quietly hissed, like a tigress, squeezed into a corner by a trainer ...
- And a big Lego ... - Katya said absently.
- For my birthday - my mother tried to save face.
She went for a walk with the dog...
"You'll get it on Saturday," the tigress stood up on her hind legs, obeying an invisible whip.
- Thank you, mommy. - and then Katya kissed her firmly on the cheek, cuddling very warmly and sincerely: - I really understood that it is useful to tell the truth. Very very!
It is easy and pleasant to tell the truth, - the prisoner noted.
"I don't need to know," in a strangled, angry voice
Pilate answered, “whether it is pleasant or unpleasant for you to speak
the truth. But you have to say it. But by saying
weigh every word if you don't want not only
inevitable but painful death.
Quote from Bulgakov's The Master and Margarita
Let's start with a little thing that is easy to consider. Let, for example, the customer of the site call with the words “On the main page, the logo loads quickly, but for some reason it is slow on the news page. Correct it urgently! ”, But he does not have at least some qualifications. What to do?
If you always tell the truth, then you will have to tell him that the logo image has long been in the cache of his browser, so it generally loads instantly (up to braking caused by the activity of heavy programs and viruses on the customer's computer). But will he understand it?.. If he is able to understand, he would not call because of such nonsense, right?
Therefore, an experienced performer says: “Ah, exactly. We'll fix it now. Check back in 5 minutes. If it doesn't get faster, then call." Naturally, the customer does not call back. Question: did the performer lie? On the one hand, he promised that he would fix it, but did not do anything. On the other hand, he promised that the problem would be solved - and it was just solved. And what is more important for us: that a person is tired or that the work is done?
Some things are too complex to describe in detail. Therefore, it is easier to shorten the story a little, introducing minor deviations from the truth into it - this will unload the heads of other people, which often turns out to be more correct than a thorough retelling of real events.
Another example: your beloved grandmother gave you a vase a year ago, and you put it on a higher cabinet (because there is not enough space anyway). And so the grandmother asks if the vase looks good, do you like it? You can, of course, upset an elderly person by answering: “Oh, but we have never had time to put flowers in it” ... Or you can say: “This is the most beautiful vase in our house! All her friends immediately notice her when they come to us. Is the second sentence false? In fact, many noticed an unusual beautiful vase on the closet ... And the second answer is clearly more pleasant for the grandmother. And he is almost truthful ... Is it worth it to insist on the truth in this case?
Or it also happens: the girlfriends of an unmarried girl decide to help her - “find a mate” (remember?). They come to her and say: “We know such a healthy single man who is neat and attentive, earns money, and is an athlete.” Well, even a photograph is poked in her face. And although she is unmarried, she does not want to go this way. Yes, he doesn't want to. But she knows that if you say “I don’t want to”, then they will persuade her for another three hours. And all the same, then they will "arrange a sudden meeting" at someone's birthday or other holiday. Therefore, knowing all this alignment, she says: “What a great fellow you are, thank you very much, give me his phone number - I will meet him!” And that's where the epic ends. Maximum - girlfriends in a week will ask "Well, how?", To which they can answer that "There was no spark." This is a lie? Yes. But there were not so many other options. You can’t do everything the way other people want (even the best girlfriends).
A wise person will say that he would not be in any of these situations because
1) would not work with such a stupid customer,
2) I would definitely put flowers in my grandmother's vase on the very first day, so that there would not even be a reason to lie,
3) would have long ago lived a family life or would have such girlfriends who do not climb into someone else's life so intrusively.
But are all of us so wise? Or we just strive for wisdom, and sometimes we still have to be “simply smart” - people who know how to get out of difficult situations if they have not already been able to prevent them in advance.
Life is too short to tell only the truth, but to spend an hour instead of a minute on simple questions... Right? Or not?
Where do you draw the line between "I always tell the truth" and "I can sometimes lie if it benefits all parties"? What kind of lies do you consider acceptable?
PHOTO Getty Images
Joe Navarro, former FBI agent and field expert non-verbal communication. Life circumstances attracted the author to the study of body language: his family was expelled from Cuba and moved to the United States, where an 8-year-old boy who did not know English learned to communicate using gestures. Experience in the FSB helped Navarro supplement his knowledge of body language. Joe Navarro shared his experience in the book I See What You're Thinking (Potpourri, 2012). The material was created with the information support of SmartReading. The full summary can be read here.
Detecting lies is extremely difficult. The effectiveness of judges, police officers, FBI agents, teachers, parents and spouses in this case does not exceed the level ordinary divination(fifty fifty). Even those who do have a pronounced ability to detect deception are rarely right more than 60% of the time. According to well-known emotion researcher Paul Ekman, the signals that we most often mistake for signs of deceit, for the most part, are not about lies, but about stress. There is not a single element of behavior that would unequivocally testify to deception. The Dishonest Behavior Identification Model, developed by Joe Navarro, a former FBI agent and expert in non-verbal communication, is about how comfortable a person feels: it's hard to stay calm when you're hiding something.
Signs of comfort and discomfort
- In order to recognize signs of discomfort in the interlocutor, create comfortable conditions for him. How well you can spot a deception is also affected by your behavior towards the alleged liar: how you sit (in what position and how close), how you look at the person (suspiciously or benevolently), and with what intonation you ask questions.
- Make sure that there are no objects (tables, chairs and other furniture) between you and the object of observation. Also, keep in mind that liars tend to use obstacles or objects (such as a pillow, bag, or glass of water) to create a protective barrier between you. Such use of objects indicates a desire to distance, fence off or hide.
- Other clear signs discomfort, manifested in people during difficult conversations: rubbing the forehead at the temple, squeezing the face with the palms, rubbing the neck and stroking the back of the head; rolling eyes (a sign of disrespect), removing non-existent villi from clothing, demonstrating superiority over the one who asks questions, in the form of using monosyllabic, sharp, sarcastic answers or even gestures with indecent connotations; various ways"blocking" the eyes, crossing the arms over the chest, turning the torso and feet away from those with whom we disagree.
However, little or no eye contact is not evidence of a lie: in real life scammers and natural born liars use eye contact much more than most ordinary people and literally glare at you. The voice of a person who tells lies may become tremulous or cracked. Stress can cause a dry throat and provoke involuntary swallowing movements. This condition can be identified by sudden sudden movements Adam's apple and trying to clear your throat. However, these behaviors are merely indicators of discomfort, not evidence of deception.
What else helps to see the deception?
Characteristics such as consistency and expressiveness of speech and behavior are also indicators of lies: if the interlocutor does not hide anything, then he calmly and consistently sets out his version, accompanying the speech with natural gestures.
- Consistency is one of the manifestations of a person's comfortable state. It is necessary to watch for (in)consistency between verbal and non-verbal messages, between the circumstances of the current moment and what the object of observation says, between events and emotions, and even for the consistency of time and space. A typical example of lack of coherence is the behavior of a person who says, "I didn't do that," while their head nods in the affirmative. If people catch themselves in this oversight, they immediately change the direction of their head movements, trying to correct the situation.
- Expressiveness is a universal sign of the sincerity of people, it's a way to let others know how strong our feelings are. Liars tend to decide what to say and how to lie, but rarely think about how to present the lie. Expressiveness is manifested both verbally and non-verbally. To verbal expressive means include loudness and pitch of the voice, intonation and repetition of words. People who naturally use their hands in conversation reinforce their statements with expressive gestures and may even pound on the table. Others emphasize their thoughts with their fingertips, gesturing with them or touching objects. The expressive behavior of the hands serves as an additional confirmation of honesty in words, thoughts and feelings. Mimic means of enhancing the emotional richness of what was said are raising the eyebrows and widening the eyes. Another manifestation of expressiveness is the tilt of the torso forward when you need to show interest.
Once, before starting work in one structure, I, along with others hired in this project, had to pass a lie detector test.
What do I want to say?
Well, the polygraph is not as scary as it is painted. Although because this crap feels right through you - the heart, of course, beats. However, it is finally good for me, but unreliable.
Everything was fine, but now passing stuck on the question: ""And what about them ata masher be chaim?" – Are you lying for life?»
I answered: "" Lephamim " - Sometimes".
The inquiring printer said sternly: "" Ken oh le? " – Yes or no?»
- «"
Az, ken " – Well, yes»...
His eyes widened, patamushta, the native Israelis honestly, without a moment's hesitation, answer in the negative ...
At that moment, I suddenly remembered Cretan the paradox of the great th Epimenides.
The philosopher in his famous "liar's paradox" reproduces the following situation:
Someone says that he is a liar. But if this is really so, then he speaks the truth, and, therefore, is not a liar. But since his original statement is false, he is a liar. A paradox arises: logically correct reasoning leads to mutually exclusive conclusions that cannot be attributed to either true or false.
My interrogator was clearly not up to the intellectual spices of the Cretan ambassador. His typewriter accurately stated that the person sitting opposite, recognizing his own deceit, was clearly telling the truth.
The printer asked:
- What exactly is it expressed?
I said:
For example, about the weather...
The question has been reformulated:
- Do you lie in life, except for questions about the weather?
- Well, yes ... For example, to his wife.
Already ex-wife I actually lied a lot. Basically, mechanically and without malice.
- This is a white lie- The person who asked me calmed me down.
And reformulated the question again:
- Do you lie in life, except for questions about the weather and talking to your wife?
YES!!! Sometimes I don't tell the truth to other women. For example, I tell her that she looks good, but I don’t think so myself. Sometimes I don't tell the truth to my children... For example, to make a surprise, I said doomedly.
- Do you lie in life, except for questions about the weather, talking to women and children?
- Yes! I also write poetry, short stories and fairy tales. That's where I figure everything out. Especially in fairy tales...
In short, it went on for quite some time. I was sweating, he was shaking in hysterics.
Finally, I asked:
- Can I ask myself a question in my formulation?
- Let's try it.
- Do I lie in my life more than the vast majority of my friends? I asked myself.
And confidently answered:
- NO!
- You don't have to be so sincere...- suddenly said the investigator.
