OVERCOMING DIFFICULT LIFE SITUATIONS... Difficult life situations arise in the life of each of us, and we all react to troubles in our own way and look for a way out of a difficult situation in different ways. Some put up and adapt "go with the flow". Others are looking for a way out of a difficult life situation with the help of actions aimed at overcoming problems and troubles. Someone withdraws into himself and instead of trying to somehow overcome the difficulty, he prefers not to notice it. And many, cursing fate, only complain about difficult life and actually not solving any problems, they become depressed. It is possible to generalize the behavior of people in difficult situations and describe ways of overcoming difficulties according to the transformation strategies that are used in these situations: co-ownership (adaptation and overcoming), protection and experience. But before talking about them in detail, a few words about the concept of “difficult life situation.” So the concept of “difficult life situation” is interpreted by one of the Federal Laws of the Russian Federation - “A difficult life situation is a situation that directly disrupts a person’s life, which he is not able to overcome on his own ". This law also provides several examples of difficult life situations - illness, disability, orphanhood, unemployment, insecurity and poverty, lack of a fixed place of residence, cruel treatment, conflicts, loneliness, etc. The Russian psychotherapist, Fedor Efimovich Vasilyuk, who studies aspects of difficult life situations, suggests understanding them as situations of impossibility in which a person faces the difficulty of realizing the internal needs of his life (aspirations, motives, values, etc. .). A difficult life situation is always characterized by a mismatch between what we want (to achieve, do, etc.) and what we can. Such a discrepancy between desires and abilities and capabilities prevents the achievement of goals, and this entails the emergence of negative emotions, which signal the emergence of a difficult situation. A developing person, mastering and learning the world around him, but not having sufficient life experience, will inevitably encounter something something unexpected, unknown and new. The use of one’s own abilities and capabilities in this situation may turn out to be insufficient, therefore it can become a cause of disappointment. And any difficult life situation leads to disruption of activity, deterioration of existing relationships with people around us, gives rise to experiences and bad emotions, causes various inconveniences, which may negative consequences for personal development. Therefore, a person should know as much as possible about options and ways to overcome difficult life situations. Techniques of behavior that people most often use in difficult situations thoughts about the cause and source of the difficulty. Overcoming - actions aimed at achieving success, changing and overcoming difficulties. They are associated with the expenditure of energy and with certain efforts; involves intense reflection aimed at solving a difficult situation, high level mental self-regulation, the search for the necessary information and the involvement of other people in solving the problem. Persistently transforming any difficult situation, a person changes a lot, but often these changes are unconscious and unintentional. However, sometimes the situation requires a conscious change in its characteristics, only in this case it is possible to achieve well-being and overcome the difficulty. In this case, changing personal properties and attitudes to a difficult situation becomes the main strategy or an important component of another strategy.
Today, more than ever, we have proof of the immortality of the spirit and that everything in life has positive target that nothing happens by accident. Even if it is not religious, this faith brings comfort. To think that he didn't end, but left his body and moved on to another kind of life, on another plane, makes people feel better in the face of loss; and that would mean that the separation is temporary and not final.
People often do not allow themselves to rejoice after a great loss by not accepting invitations from friends or avoiding pleasant activities. Realize that feeling content with new goals, not disloyalty, doesn't mean you don't love or forget your loved one. Taking pleasure in something means that it brings some relief to your suffering; resume or start building your life. Try to invest in your well being, engage in productive activities that you enjoy and can make your life even better than before, if you have learned something from what happened, if you have grown up with suffering and an understanding of what is really more important in life.
ADJUSTMENT TECHNIQUES: *Adaptation to the basic moments of the situation (social attitudes, social norms, rules business relations etc.). Having mastered this technique, a person freely enters the world of morality and law, labor, culture, family relations. In normal social conditions this technique determines success. For example, it helps to get used to new working conditions (in this case, a person successfully passes probation) or in case of moving to a new place of residence. However, if a person is in a difficult life situation, in a situation of upheaval, when something has changed dramatically, where the new rules have not yet taken shape, and the old ones no longer work - this technique will not help. * Adapting to the characteristics and needs of other people will be of great importance in a situation of social upheaval. The study of this technique showed that it is most often used in the crisis stages of the development of society. Next to her is another method of adaptation - taking care of maintaining the existing establishment of new social contacts. * Choose a role for yourself and behave in accordance with it. This technique people use in situations where the source of worries and difficulties is their personal qualities and properties of one's own character (for example, uncertainty about own forces or shyness) that do not allow them to freely adapt to new living conditions, ask for help, etc. This technique consists in the conscious application of the identification mechanism. A person chooses to imitate a certain behavior model, it can be a movie character or a book character who embodies confidence, or a friend who has this missing quality. In a difficult life situation, he tries on the role of this character: he begins to behave differently, his gait and manner of speaking change, his speech becomes convincing, he even begins to feel differently. Since he does not fully identify himself with the chosen role, but only “plays it,” he attributes all his failures and awkwardness to the chosen character, and not to himself. This helps to avoid embarrassment, to be more free from the opinions of others and not to reduce self-esteem when you miss. right choice role, it helps to cope with difficult situation arising in communication, and also causes tangible shifts not only in behavior, but also in their own life values and attitudes. * A frequently used form of adaptation is identification with more successful people or identification with serious and influential associations and organizations. People who have suffered disappointments and failures, who think they are a loser, sometimes resort to this technique. By identifying with a successful subject, they, as it were, add special abilities to themselves, and becoming an employee of an influential and authoritative organization, they not only get the opportunity to feel that they belong to it and talk about “our successes”, but also really begin to feel strong and act more successfully and effectively. confidently. *The technique of identifying the boundaries of one's own capabilities, as a rule, is used in case of a sudden change in life circumstances. Most a prime example The person has become disabled. Once in such a difficult life situation, people are forced to drastically change their established way of life. At first, they learn about their capabilities. As a man walking through a swamp probes the ground, they analyze the measure of their remaining abilities and try to make up for what they have lost. It is worth noting that those who find themselves in unknown or complicated conditions also resort to house tactics. *Foresight and anticipation of events. This technique is used by people who have already had a sad experience of failure or are waiting for the imminent onset of an approaching difficult life situation (for example, a layoff, an upcoming operation, or the death of a sick relative). Anticipatory sadness or preconceived notions are adaptive and allow the person to mentally prepare for possible difficult trials and make a plan to prevent unfortunate circumstances. Like any other method of coping with a difficult situation, anticipatory coping, depending on a particular situation, can be both useful and harmful. (+) An example of the productive use of anticipatory coping is the experience of preparing young patients for the intended operation. Medical staff under the guidance of a qualified psychologist arrange special role-playing games, during which the situation of the operation is played. Similar psychological preparation reduces the fear of children before surgery and significantly speeds up their recovery.(-) clear example unequivocally unproductive anticipatory coping is the so-called "symptom of St. Lazarus", psychologists have identified it when working with some relatives of HIV-infected people. It consists in such an attitude towards the patient, as if he is already dead and mourned (sometimes it comes to the point that family members avoid all communication with the sick person, openly collect money for a wake and prepare for his funeral).
Take a few days or weeks to rebalance and then the occasional dip if needed is completely normal. But activities should be resumed as soon as possible, as they are important in the recovery process. Be patient with yourself, because in the first few months your physical and mental capacity may not be like that. You should reduce your workload or number of activities if you feel it is excessive; but prolonged inactivity causes people to repeat or prolong the depressive phase to no avail.
Most people dream of family happiness. But, unfortunately, few manage to enjoy it. What is the cause of family troubles? Why do many couples have more and more mutual claims, grievances, quarrels and disputes every year? Why do some families just chase sickness or tragic cases? Why are some couples unable to have children, while others lose them as a result of illness or accident? Why do some generations pursue alcohol addiction? Is there a way out of such situations? Answers to such and similar questions are not always available to a person. But they exist and are often hidden within us.
Believing that life should be different and not a painful choice, suffering and loss are unreal and only bring rebellion, which only hurts. Because our expectations of ourselves, others, and life are more realistic, it becomes harder to get frustrated and easier to adapt. Nobody gets into situations they don't deserve by pure chance; and he is not faced with a greater load than that which has the capacity to bear. Knowing that we do not live in an unorganized world and that there are universal laws, "nothing happens by chance"; everything has a reason to be fair and productive, leading us to events, even the most difficult ones, as opportunities for learning and growth.
FAMILY SYSTEM
Every person has a body, mind and soul. All this is in every family. Every family is born and dies. Any family consists of parents and children. All family members are in close interaction with each other. health status, mental health, emotional mood, the attitude of one family member towards something inevitably affects everyone. Each family is a family system that exists according to its own laws. Several families united with each other common ancestors, present genus. family system This is the destined structure of the family. It is in it that the causes of all successes and misfortunes, illnesses and health, tragedies and successes. In a family, the main thing is people with their system of family values, rules and norms of upbringing. But if you look closely at these rules and values, it turns out that our beliefs belong not only to us, but also to our parents, grandparents.
People don't "have" to be "victims" no matter how bad the losses are. Situations of great suffering can be transformed into learning. This longing for the person with whom we live and who gave us good moments and doctrines, both with their qualities and with their defects; with whom we share part of our lives. Only if you miss something good or brought us something positive. It must be sadder not to miss anyone from this person or from another plane.
When excessive suffering consumes someone for more than a year, usually the main problem is not the loss itself, but some other aspect that needs to be understood. Often this happens when over-reliance on the person who left, when a very strong component of the situation is to blame for any reason, personal emotional problems are activated or exacerbated by loss or other significant causes. In this case, friends, counselors or a psychologist may be needed.
Each person on his life path enters into a large number of relationships. Without them, there is no life. The strongest and most durable are relationships within the family system, that is, between members of the same family. Even if people live far apart and do not communicate for any reason, the bond between members of the same family (parents and children, siblings, husband and wife) is very strong. Unresolved conflicts, tasks previous generations are inherited as follows. People often live other people's lives, repeating the mistakes of their ancestors. All our problems in life are not real, out of love we copy other people's destinies, the destinies of previous generations.
Most people who seek help from a psychotherapist are not mentally ill, they ordinary people those who are facing problems are going through a crisis, and many of them are suffering loss. A field professional is someone with whom you can share your suffering, your rebellion, your fear, your painful memories, your guilt and your conflicts; who can understand you and help you. Therapy sessions will also help you make practical decisions that will help you feel better.
You may need only a few sessions, many months to get through the most difficult phase, or longer; it all depends on the individual meaning of loss, how you respond to crisis and therapy. At the onset of grief, one of the most common ways that suffering manifests itself is to resist growing with it. Life can be made difficult or heightened by loss. Each situation is unique, and only the person himself can seek and find answers regarding the “other self” and the other life that will appear.
We are a continuation of the life of our ancestors, regardless of what they were. We continue their lives, and our children continue ours. We continue our ancestors in that we inherit their appearance, character traits, fate. We solve those problems that were not solved by them. In our lives, we once again live the fate of our mothers or fathers, grandparents, we often carry their repressed experiences, their feelings.
Each person decides whether or not to grow with this painful experience, and when. When loss is death Death is nothing. Whatever we are with each other, we are still in. Call me for my common name. Talk to me in the spontaneous way you've always used. Do not force an air of solemnity or suffering. Laughed when we always laughed at the games that made us laugh. Let my name be the familiar name that has always been. Let it be said without an accent, without a ghost or shadow on it.
Life has all the meaning it has always had. There is absolutely no break in continuity. What is death other than a small accident? Somewhere very close - around the corner. Everything is fine. Social rejection can be traumatic and difficult to overcome. Whether professional, personal or in love. However, this is a situation that you will encounter often during your life. Therefore, it is important to know how to manage it effectively.
Our life is a patchwork quilt, where each patch is an element of someone else's fate: in some ways we repeat the life of our ancestors, somewhere we experience the feelings that they once experienced, in some situations we we make a similar choice. In us they continue their life. We are forever connected with our family, we belong to it.
Do you remember how you felt when you were not allowed into this university course? Or when you're stuck in an entrance test sports team which one are you targeting? Or when your job application was rejected? Even more painful when you were dumped by your dating partner, male or female, right now?
Deviation has been and always will be a normal part of your life. On the scale of life, for sure, this is inevitable. And, as we have just seen, situations of social rejection are numerous. Even if we have already experienced a hundred or more times, each new deviation is a new trauma.
In my practice, more than once people were surprised to notice in themselves some character traits or behaviors that were inherent in their parents or other relatives.
At one seminar, Olga said that in the family, when communicating with her husband and children, she often joked and made witty comments. One day her husband asked her how she knew them. Thinking about it, Olga remembered that her father used to joke like that in communication with relatives. It turns out that Olga, without hesitation, mechanically, used the same jokes when communicating in her family as her father.
Withdrawal basically means the intentional exclusion of a person from an interpersonal relationship or social relationship. This occurs both in the context of classical social relationships and in the context of romantic relationships. The exact psychological term is social rejection.
Does disgust hurt? We know everything he does. To a large extent, you feel ugly. Especially in the context of romantic relationships. You will often read or hear the following advice.
- Happiness is a choice, not a culmination.
- You can be happy regardless of external circumstances.
- You don't need anyone's approval to feel happy.
- The only person whose approval you need is yours.
- If you are not happy on your own, you will never be happy in a relationship.
At the consultation, Sergey told how once he needed to take important decision but he still couldn't come to any conclusion. To this his wife remarked that he hesitated and hesitated for as long as his father. And Sergey agreed with such conclusions. At crucial moments in his life, it was hard for him to make a choice, like his father. They both preferred to have someone else make decisions for them.
They provide a minimum of well-being and stability. However, over time, these tips are not enough and their benefits do not last. It's been scientifically proven psychological research. Nathan DeWall, the need to belong or the need to be strong and complete social relations just as fundamental to human nature as well as the need for food and water.
Research shows that it's not only natural to have pain as a result of rejection. It's like "truth," like physical pain. Social rejection can have serious consequences for psychological state personality. Does this mean that after such an event it is impossible to relieve the pain?
During the consultation, Svetlana noticed that outwardly she looked more like a grandmother, but all relatives and friends noted that with her gestures, gait, voice, manner of holding her head during a conversation, she was a copy of her mother.
Eugene during the consultations expressed a lot of claims in relation to the people around him and the events taking place. When I asked who in his family behaved in this way, he replied that everything and everyone around was criticized by his grandfather and uncle, who took an active part in his upbringing, since Evgeny's parents were divorced.
Be aware of the differences
You cannot completely eliminate the pain of rejection. But you can control the effects. Each person has a different reality. In a given situation, 2 people can never think or react in exactly the same way. To put it another way: no one else sees the same world as you.
This is why it is not only possible, but above all very likely, that people behave differently than you would expect them to. This gap between your hope and reality often causes negative feelings and greatly increases the feeling of rejection. Therefore, the first step is to recognize and accept this difference.
There are many similar examples when a person inherits some traits from previous generations and manifests them in actions, decisions, reasoning. We do not notice this, but nevertheless we still continue our ancestors.
BELONGING TO THE FAMILY
No one can survive alone. Each person needs a family or a group of people replacing it, relationships are needed. A person is strongly connected with his family. The unconscious fear of being rejected by one's family, of losing one's belonging to it, is stronger than the fear of death. Despite all the quarrels, conflicts, claims, resentments, divorces and loss of loved ones, all members of the family and clan are connected with each other by a strong, invisible, unconscious connection.
Think of several possible outcomes
This step is a logical continuation of the previous step. To avoid being surprised by other people's reactions and reactions, don't focus on a single expected outcome. Try to imagine objectively at least two possible reactions, one of which is less positive than the other.
It's not about considering all possible scenarios and getting stuck in analysis and reflection. But despite the negative answer, doing this exercise will make you less likely to get hurt and respond better to it.
Inside each person there is information about his family, his family, about all the events that happened in the past. All family values, beliefs, rules that unite people in family systems are in the unconscious of all family members. Some rules and values are recognized by us, some are not. Each person has loyalty to his family, to his family.
Reasons for each intended outcome
You can also go even further. In addition to considering alternative and negative responses to the one you hope for, try to justify why the answer might be negative and contrary to your desires.
Be objective in your analysis
The implementation of the reasoning preceding the main goal: to get you to simultaneously present the positive outcomes and negative outcomes of the situation. Therefore, you mentally prepare for a negative result.However, for this to be truly positive and effective, you must be objective. The truth is between these two extremes. Identify possible causes without any connection to you. The reason is not what you are offering or offering, but rather what is expected or needed by the person. At the same time, be honest and realistic by including possible cause that worries you.
Loyalty- this is an unconscious person's fidelity to the orders and foundations, deeds and misconduct, rules and prohibitions that exist in the family system. Loyalty, on the one hand, is based on love for members of one's family, on the other hand, the fear of losing belonging to one's family, that is, of being rejected by it. Out of loyalty, each person considers the beliefs, rules and orders of his family to be true and correct.
This brings us to one of the most important points A: Don't put public and personal rejection and the bad feelings that go with it where they don't. This doesn't mean that you don't feel pain when you feed on a distorted version of reality or use positive words.
It is a proven fact that we all tend to over-tune the rejection or negative response. We all tend to do it private matter take it personally as a judgment of the person that we are. A negative answer means that there is a difference between what you are suggesting and what is needed for the person or situation. And this difference is enough to give a negative answer.
K. Whitaker, a family therapist, wrote the following about loyalty: “Why does the bride or groom not try to change their own family where did they come from? First, they learned from infancy that loyalty to their family is a matter of life or death. If you are not loyal to your family, you will not be fed. If you bite your chest, you will die of hunger. Later, this attitude becomes less noticeable, but very firmly rooted. Loyalty to the family gives credibility to your existence: you are the family, its personification. To renounce the family is to renounce your personality, your body. To fight against the family, you need to stand on some other basis, outside the family world, and this is impossible. Based on family values that determine what is good and what is bad, a person divides people into right and wrong, good and bad. Making our choice, making decisions, we are always under the invisible influence of generic rules. We seem to be locked in a certain framework, a prisoner of our beliefs. A person is not as free in his choice, decisions, actions, as he sometimes thinks.
The basis of such unconscious fidelity to one's ancestors is the desire to belong to a group. Every person needs a relationship, he needs a group of people to which he will belong. And for the sake of this belonging, he is ready to follow the rules and orders that prevail in this group (family, team). When a person follows the rules of the family, he belongs to her, he is good. When he violates, he is bad, has no right to belong to the family, he is an outcast.
FAMILY SOUL
As we have said, each person has a body, mind and soul. The mind can be divided into conscious and unconscious parts. The body is made up of organs and systems. The soul is in constant interaction with the mind and body. Through the unconscious, the connection of the soul with the consciousness and body of a person is carried out. When a person makes a decision, makes his choice, the mind interacts with the soul. This is how a person's life path is created. The soul knows everything!
Man has a soul, all living and non-living beings. It would be more correct to say that they all possess a part of the great Universal soul. The family also has a soul. Collectives, companies and organizations have a soul. All groups of people form a single field, which is part of a large Universal soul. The soul of man is not enclosed directly in him. It goes beyond his body, embracing his family, his clan, country, planet. The soul is everywhere, it covers the entire universe. And man is a part of this soul. It embraces all family members, all nations and peoples. It contains information about everything that happens in the family, in the country, on the whole planet. We are all one. The soul guides every person. The soul controls our body. The soul controls our life. The soul controls us.
Man is in touch with his soul. If a person makes the same mistakes every time, if he lives similar unpleasant situations in your life - it is only the path of the soul. The soul knows when the moment of change will come. In order for changes to begin to occur, it is sometimes necessary to repeat similar situations many times over several generations. The soul leads and gives the opportunity to initiate change. To each his own time! It remains only to trust her. It is sometimes difficult for a person to accept such a position. After all, people are used to thinking that they decide everything themselves, that everything is under their control. But sooner or later, every person faces powerlessness in his life. These are situations that resulted in the death of one of the family members. This is powerlessness in the face of an injury that caused a person's disability. This is despair in the face of a serious illness of a child. This powerlessness before alcohol addiction close. In such and many other life situations, it becomes clear that human control is a myth, an illusion.
George wanted to determine the cause of his serious illness. He underwent surgery and treatment - chemotherapy - due to oncological disease. George was a successful businessman, he always achieved his goals. But when he found out about the disease, he felt that he was losing control of his life. In the course of treatment, physical weakness appeared, a breakdown occurred in the soul. George said: "Life began to lose its meaning, nothing pleased - no family, no business, no friends." The treatment gave positive results, but George himself lost faith in the future. After working on the cause, on reconciliation with it, George said that he felt a significant inner relief. He noticed that in search of reasons he completely exhausted himself, blaming himself for what was happening. And now, seeing that his illness was largely predetermined by his birth program, he feels relieved and internally agrees with his fate. 1 .
Angelina worked as a lawyer, was fond of psychology: she read specialized literature and attended seminars.
Three years ago, she was in a terrible car accident. The spine was damaged, four operations were performed. After the accident, Angelina was unable to walk. She said that she always felt a certain inner heaviness in her life. Before the accident, her career was progressing quite successfully, but in the most successful, good moments of her life, she did not feel joy from the results, she was always "sad." When I asked her about her family, it turned out that she was from a pair of twins. Her brother died a week after his birth. She learned about this only six months ago from her mother. As a child, she played football, climbed trees, rode a bicycle with the boys. Angelina unconsciously wanted to follow her brother all her life, that is, to die. After working on Angelina's problem, we saw her a year later. She returned to private practice, things were going well. She said: “All my life I had the feeling that I was carrying someone else's load. All the time something prevented me from feeling the joy of life. I have been looking for a reason for a long time reading the literature on psychology. But it is a great relief to know that the cause was external and not internal. It helped me accept my fate. In life, everything gradually began to change. But most importantly, my perception of life has changed. Surprisingly, now, being in wheelchair I feel calmer and more confident than before. Life has meaning."
Conflict situations in the family, loneliness, losses, illnesses, accidents, career or business failures, problems in relationships with children, addictions (alcohol, drugs, gambling) - all this is the path of the soul.
Everyone has their own path, leading sooner or later to a revision of the family or tribal program. This does not mean that man is a blind tool in the hands of the soul. Man has a destiny which is controlled by his soul. And the majority in their family system has the opportunity to listen to the orders of the soul, to free themselves from life-destroying influences.
SOUL ORDERS
The human soul follows other rules, sometimes significantly different from the family values fixed in the human mind. The soul governs a person's life, guided by values that he himself is unaware of. B. Hellinger in practice formulated three main orders of the soul, which I adhere to in my work.
First basic order states that everyone in the system, living or dead, has an equal right to belong. If one member of the system is denied the right to belong - for example, due to the moral assessment: "he is a scoundrel", or "he is a drunkard", or "he has bastard”, - the consequences of being denied ownership are the same, no matter what is blamed on such a family member.
Second major order states that if any family member is denied equal ownership with others, order will be restored by replacing that family member. The substitution occurs, as a rule, in this way: the junior replaces the senior (the one who was excluded) in order to compensate. The younger one suffers just like the older one, and becomes just like him. So the system has to face the struggle of good and evil again.
So, the two main orders of the soul are the equal right to belong and the compensation for the denial of belonging.
Third major order requires that those who came earlier in the system have an advantage over those who came later. The family conscience and family soul see to it that the superiority of the elders is respected, otherwise the younger ones are sacrificed in order to compensate. If the advantage of the seniors is not violated, then the juniors are exempted from repetitions.
Galina came for a consultation to sort out conflicting relationships with her son. AT adolescence he began to behave aggressively towards his parents, especially towards his mother, who took a more active part in his life. In the course of the work, it turned out that the son replaced her own father, that is, his grandfather. Galina herself did not know her father, since her mother divorced him when Galina was only two years old. The mother then remarried. She never talked about Galya's father. Everything she heard about her father – that's what he was" a bad person"," tough and conflict. Galina herself treated her stepfather as her father. Theme about her own father never raised in their family. When, having matured, Galina wanted to know something about him from her mother, she said that she had deleted him from her life and did not want to talk about him. Galina's son replaced his expelled grandfather. The whole process on the part of the son occurred unconsciously. By his actions, he seemed to return to the family, tribal system that which was once expelled and forgotten from it. What happened next at the consultation, what decision was worked out for Galina, you will read in the following chapters. Now it's important to understand:
Sergei came to the consultation out of desperation. His son has changed a lot recent times. He contacted a bad company, began to lead a “wrong way of life”, was even accused of hooligan actions, fraud. But the matter was hushed up. During the conversation, Sergei repeatedly noted that he could not understand what was happening to their son, since their family was decent, no one had ever behaved in this way. When I asked if there was someone in the family of Sergei or his wife with antisocial behavior, Sergei gave a negative answer. We continued to work; and it turned out that Sergei had two brothers. He didn't know anything about one of them. From the words of Sergei, it was only clear that their father had abandoned him. When Sergei's brother committed some "bad deed" (perhaps he was accused of theft), his father kicked him out of the family. Sergei's father was a powerful man, and his mother was forced to agree with his decision. Thus, the exiled brother of Sergei left for another region, and about his future fate nothing was known. They forgot about him. Sergei's son replaced his uncle who had been expelled from the family with his actions. Why did this happen? Why was it the son of Sergei who began to replace the expelled relative? What happened next at the consultation, what decision was worked out for Sergey, you will read in the following chapters. Now it's important to understand: no one can be excluded. The excluded person will be replaced by someone from the younger generation.
Anatoly came to the consultation due to the fact that his family life. He was outwardly attractive, engaged in business, had a good income, repeatedly made close acquaintances with women, but the relationship did not go well. He read a lot of literature on psychology, tried to understand the problem, but the result remained the same. As a child, he lived with his mother and younger brother. Parents divorced when Anatoly was six years old, younger brother two years. In the course of the work, it turned out that after the divorce of his parents, the boy unconsciously became “instead of his father” for his mother. He, the junior in rank, unknowingly took the place of the senior (next to his mother), which in fact did not belong to him. By this he firmly connected himself with his mother. The revealed information was not something unusual for Anatoly. He himself said that in the family he is the support of his mother and brother. He has always been the head of the family. When I asked if there were situations that posed a threat to his life, Anatoly listed a number of such events - a car accident, a stabbing during a fight, a shot by an unknown person (a bullet hit his shoulder). Why did life turn out the way it did? .
Anatoly and he failed to start a family, you will read in subsequent chapters. Now it's important to understand: each in his family takes his place and does not have the right to take the place of a senior in rank.
Orders of the soul we are not aware of. These laws apply to everyone without exception. And ignorance of these laws does not exempt from consequences.
The family system has a soul, which is guided by its own rules. And all family members are subject to them. Many family members are intertwined with the fate of someone of their kind. Our life, our actions, our feelings are influenced by the past destinies of relatives.
On the one hand, a person is guided by family values belonging to his family. On the other hand, his life is influenced by the orders of the soul, sometimes running counter to the beliefs of his parental family. Family rules reflect the evaluation criteria within the framework of "good - bad", "guilty - right". For the orders of the soul, it does not matter what is good or bad, who is right or wrong - every person has the right to belong to the family. The soul does not divide people into good or bad.
It is not always easy to take such a position. As a rule, most people believe that everything they have achieved in life is only their merit. They make choices, they are responsible, they are in control of their lives. Only when faced with situations of impotence, difficult life trials, people begin to think differently. Success and failure, illness and health, relationships and loneliness - everything has its origin and development in the fate of previous generations. As a rule, people begin to listen to the voice of the soul after heavy life tests. Blows of fate, failures, illnesses, problems in the lives of children - all this makes a person look for answers and listen to something more.
Ann Anselin Schutzenberger, psychotherapist, writes: “Each of us is a link in the chain of generations, and sometimes we have to, to our surprise, “pay the debts” of our ancestors. This kind of "invisible devotion" pushes us to an unconscious repetition of joyful or sad events that happened earlier in our family. We are less free than we think, but we have the opportunity to win back freedom and avoid fatal repetitions in family history understanding the intricate intricacies of one's own family."
LOVE YOUR INNER CHILD
Why do soul orders and family values differ? Why does this conflict exist? Inside a person is the love of a child. From birth, a child is attached to his family, its values, foundations, and orders. This devotion, the feeling of belonging to a family for a child is love. There is no conflict. Everything happens for love! For the sake of his loved ones, the little creature is ready for anything. The child is ready to pay with his health, well-being, happiness and even life. For the sake of belonging to the family, the child is ready to make sacrifices. Such love sometimes tries by self-sacrifice to protect loved one from troubles, illnesses, failures, death. But this is unreal. A child's love strives for the unattainable, for an illusion. The purpose of such love is unrealistic and leads to more pain, misfortune and tragedy. This childish pure, naive love, commitment to one's family system remains with a person for life.
Without realizing it, already an adult person sacrifices himself, his life for the good of loved ones. Already inside an adult, the love of a child remains. But, having matured, a person, having discovered childhood love in his life, has the opportunity to revise this program. He can realize the fact that he cannot defeat the misfortunes, troubles, illnesses and death of his relatives by his sacrifice. It is worth accepting and agreeing with this. The love of the inner child can mature, find another creative solution and, if it is still possible, change what leads to misery, loss and death.
For example, for a child, love for parents means “to be like them”, “to live like a mother”, “to become like a father”. And these settings remain for life. A person's connection with one of his parents is especially strong when the latter is rejected. Children unconsciously want to be like a rejected father or mother. That is why many, unwittingly, adult life repeat what they denied in their parents. When a daughter or son says: “I will never be like my father”, “I will never do like my mother”, for some reason that is exactly what they do. Rejected parent means excluded. It is with the excluded parent that the child is associated for the rest of his life. By rejecting his parent, he can never truly separate from him. Having entered into marriage, such a person will still internally look at the rejected parents, being only half present in his young family. You will read about this in more detail in the section on the relationship between a man and a woman.
In fact, there is no conflict. We are loyal to our family. We support family values. We follow family rules, we are attached to them. We are under the influence of orders of the soul. From this is formed our destiny, to which we belong. And it is in this destiny that the opportunity for growth and change is already laid. Ann Anselin Schutzenberger writes about this: “It is safe to say that in our lives we are less free than we think. However, we can win back our freedom and avoid repetition by understanding what is happening, recognizing these threads in their context and complexity. In this way, we can finally live our own life, and not the life of our parents, or grandparents, or, for example, a deceased brother whom we “replaced”, sometimes without even realizing it.”
The goal of working on yourself, on your own or with a therapist, is to find a solution, not just a cause. It is necessary to immediately get rid of illusions to solve everything life problems one consultation, reading a book or one seminar, training. The first meeting with a therapist or participation in distance training is only the first step in your growth, in your development. A therapist or distance training are only intermediaries between a person and his decision. K. Whitaker wrote: “I have to push them to growth. It is not my business to tell them how they should grow. They must discover their formula for growth… You cannot tell them how to get closer to reality, but you can only contribute to the process of personal interaction in which you participate with them… Family growth does not happen because the therapist does it for them. It's not the family or the therapist, but the family and the therapist set the family mechanism in motion."
Every person has internal image existing relationships in his family system. The image of our family is a kind of scheme of existing relationships between family members. This image encodes the problems that the family faces. In working with a therapist on a problem, it is important to see, understand, accept the existing image - this is the first step. The second step is to find a solution, to change the chaotic, sometimes destructive, image into a creative one. The third step is to make a new decision, to let it act in real life. A person does not need to try to change his family members, to prove something to them, to explain. He himself needs to accept a new permissive image. This does not mean that other family members should not see a therapist or receive remote training. On the contrary, it is good when several members of the same family system are ready to start looking for a solution. But this is a voluntary choice of everyone. Coercion is inappropriate here. As Thomas Kempis said, "Do not be angry that you cannot make others what you would like them to be, for you cannot make yourself what you would like to be." The problem of a person is always within his power. Even in severe cases, when a resolving image cannot be found, no one but the person himself can solve his problem. Whatever the result is, this is the fate of a person, and only he can understand, accept and come to terms with it. In such cases, a new productive solution will come with time.
The new image triggers changes in the person himself. He perceives his place in the family, his fate, his family members differently. His position towards family members and the current situation is different. If something changes in a family in one of its members, then the whole family system cannot remain unchanged.
Natalia came to the consultation because of a strained relationship with her mother. From her point of view, her mother did not give her the opportunity to start a family, she was jealous of men, poured mud on them, said that they would leave her. So this time, she was negatively disposed towards Andrei, with whom Natasha met for about a year. Young people were going to get married. Natalia's mother was divorced for a long time, she did not seek to create relationships anymore, she treated men with contempt. Natasha left the consultation after the reasons for this behavior in her mother were found and we jointly found a solution to this problem. A month later, Natasha called and said that recently, on her birthday, her mother suddenly said: “You know, loneliness is hard. Andrey - good guy. Marry him." Natasha was surprised to hear such words from her mother. But what struck her even more was that her mother did not look like she always did, her expression was unusually soft and kind.
The solution to a person's problem always depends on him, and not on the rest of his family members. On initial stage it is worth stepping back from past failures, abandoning the accusations of mistakes. In the past, you did what you thought was necessary, based on the values that existed in the family. Receiving information about the actions of the orders of the soul, a person understands that past decisions were not always correct. But we all go our own way. Everything has its time. The steps we have taken in the past are the steps of our life path, gaining experience. And this experience is also needed in the future. It is he who has now brought us to this point in our lives, after which another period will follow. Nothing was in vain. Nothing was superfluous in life.
INTERNAL RESISTANCE
But probably, new look will not be realized in life, because the time for change has not yet come in a person's life. And if you prove something to him, convince him, then this will not bring any results. We already know that remote training or a therapist are only intermediaries who gave something to their client, and he took something or rejected something. And then everyone goes their own way. People cannot be protected from their lives, from their fate. Any effort by the therapist or loved ones to find solutions, if the person is not emotionally prepared for it, is doomed to failure.
The goal of a therapist or training is not to heal, not to save a person from his problems, but to reconcile his consciousness with the root cause, to give impetus to changes in his life. Sympathy, pity, the desire to save a person from suffering - this is not what he needs to solve a problem. Namely, this is what relatives are trying to give in the first place. But a person often does not live with his problem for the first day, although, perhaps, he realized it recently. And he needs support, respect for his fate, because it is this position that gives him strength. But pity, on the contrary, makes a person weak and helpless. A person is able to cope with a problem on his own, and a therapist or training is an intermediary that gives respect. Help, especially one that no one asks for, elevates the helper, and weakens the other, hinders his search for a solution. No one can better solve a problem, get out of a difficult situation than the person himself.
Often women come to a therapist with a specific goal, for example: "I want my husband (son) to change." Or relatives of a patient with alcohol addiction want to "help him stop drinking." It is useless to work with such desires. It makes no sense to set such goals for yourself, because it is impossible to change another person. But if the goal is formulated, for example, like this: “I don’t understand what is happening with my husband, why we have such a relationship, I don’t know how to fix it,” then joint work with the therapist is possible.
In the first example, I described the situation in the relationship between Galina and her son. Initially, Galina tried for a long time to persuade her son to come to see a psychotherapist. He refused, the situation in the family was even more tense. When Galina literally words lost her temper, with threats and blackmail she forced her son to come with her to a psychotherapist. But at the reception, he refused to work, saying that “there are no problems for him, something doesn’t suit my mother.” He left the consultation. Galina burst into tears, complained about her son. When she calmed down, I suggested that she sort out the problem alone. After all, Galina did not like the behavior of her son. In the course of further work, we searched for a solution and created an image that resolved the situation.
Often, relatives of people suffering from addiction (alcohol, gambling, drug addiction, etc.) set themselves the goal of making their husband (son, daughter, etc.) change. When I explain to them the consequences of such a position, disappointment appears on their faces. Most of them leave for further searches. But some come back with other goals. Anna came to see me several times. Her husband drank, was coded twice, now he did not want to be treated. On her first visit, Anna wanted to know how to "lure him and persuade him to be treated." Approximately six months later, she was interested in the question of how to influence him (in other words, how else to blackmail) so that he would come to his senses. For the third time (about a year and a half passed after her first visit), she came with the following question: “I understand that he is dying and I am with him, what should I do with him?” Each time I told her about the principles on which life in such families is based. But Anna did not hear me well. After another two months, she was able to ask the question: “I don’t understand what is happening with my husband, my life, is it possible to fix something?” Only after a year and seven months did my work with her become possible. But this case is the exception rather than the rule.
Many people internally strongly resist change. Oddly enough, it is often easier for a person to suffer than to start the process of change, to accept something new. As Osho wrote, “if people are asked to choose between happiness or unhappiness, they will choose the latter, because they have invested too much in it.” Why is it so?
Most people are used to suffering. When they feel good and are truly happy, they feel guilty. They suffer because of loyalty to their family system. Such people often experience the feelings that their ancestors carried through their lives. Or they may feel guilt that has been displaced by someone from previous generations. There was something going on in the family that caused someone from the next generation to unconsciously choose the role of the sufferer. They are afraid of losing their right to belong and unconsciously repeat something from their family system. A person, looking at the problem in a different way, in search of a creative solution, as if involuntarily casts doubt on family values, foundations and orders. Because of this, he feels uncomfortable. After all, he doubts the correctness of family orders, their truth, sometimes centuries-old immunity. Therefore, the first step requires strength and courage.
A RESPONSIBILITY
The question arises: if a person’s life is so strongly influenced by the orders of the soul, then is he responsible for something in his life? The ability to make choices and be responsible for your actions is one side of the coin. Recognition of a certain force behind the orders of the soul, behind the influence of the Universal soul on human life, powerlessness in front of this force, humility and acceptance of this fact as a given - this is the second. When making a decision, taking responsibility for one's life, there is always a danger of falling into the illusion of complete freedom to choose one's own destiny.
We are powerless in the face of an accident that has resulted in the death or disability of a loved one. We are powerless in the face of a serious illness. We are powerless in the event of the birth of a child with physical or mental disabilities. We are powerless over the choice of our parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters.
We are given to family foundations, our soul, their forces, which give us a certain destiny. At the same time, we are responsible for our actions.
My position is this: fate disposes of me. Family values affect my life. The soul guides me. There are higher orders according to which my destiny is built. And agreement with this position allows me to accept my life as it is, with its ups and downs, with joy and pain. As Martin Luther said, "If God's justice could be recognized as just according to human standards, it would not be divine." I resign myself to the fact that there is something higher that I cannot know. But the realization of such a position can take months and years.
Chapter Summary
1. Every person needs to belong to some group of people. Because of the fear of losing their right to belong, a person consciously and unconsciously observes the rules and regulations that prevail in this group.
