Love is not mutual. How to survive unrequited love? Non-reciprocal love: how to deal with unhealthy attachment.

Children get their parents and parents to their children. At the same time, they are separate and independent from each other. But imagine what will happen in their hearts if children say to their parents: “First of all, what you gave me was wrong, and secondly, it was not enough, you still owe me.” What can children get from their parents when they feel it? And what can parents get from their children? Such children cannot be separated from their parents. Their accusations and claims are related to their parents, therefore, although they do not have parents related to them.

He feels empty, necessary and weak. Children accept what their parents give besides life when they happen. In addition to the life that parents give to their children, they can also give what they have made on their own. For example, mother talented artist drawing beautiful pictures. If her children are frustrated when they can't paint such beautiful pictures even though they don't have the talent or job they have, then they are breaking the laws of love. The same goes for material goods.

Children who feel entitled to inherit their parents' wealth and are disappointed if they don't, destroy love. If they inherit this wealth, then love will serve as a gift. This is important because it also concerns the personal guilt of our parents. Personal guilt belongs only to our parents. It often happens that children who love their parents take the blame and want to bear it for them. But this is against the laws of love. Such children dare to do what they have no right to do.

For example, when a child tries to sue their parents' mistakes, they stand up to their parents and ask their parents about how the children should take care of them as if they were their parents. Recently, she was a woman whose father was blind and whose mother was deaf. They got on well with each other. But the woman felt the need to take care of them, and when we built the constellation, her representative acted as if she was big and her parents were small. In the constellation, her mother said, "I can take care of my father alone."

And her father said to her: "We live well with your mother, you don't need us." But the woman, rather than feeling relieved, felt disappointed. He shrunk down to the size of a child again. In fact, she had long-term sleep problems. He watched his dead brother day and night so the rats couldn't come to him.

Although he was completely exhausted, he was convinced that he should remain on patrol. He walked around the man and said to him, "Rats sleep at night." Then the boy fell asleep. The third law of love between parents and children is that we respect general attitude our parents and let them do what they can and should.

Rejection and Rejection The fourth law of love between parents and children is that parents are great and children are small. It is right that children take and parents give. Since children take in so much, they need to balance account. We are not comfortable taking from those we love without giving anything in return.

Some children avoid the pressure of reciprocity, commitment, or guilt. They then say, "I'd rather take nothing and feel free without guilt and commitment." Such children close their parents and feel empty and exhausted. Love would be more useful if they said, "I accept everything you have given me with love." Then they could look at their parents with love, and their parents could see their children happy. It is a way of accepting while maintaining balance because parents feel grateful for their children.

When a child asks, "You have to give me more," then the hearts of the parents close. Because children are demanding, parents cannot voluntarily flood them with love. This is all you can do to prevent natural flow. Love. And the child who demands it, even if he gets it, does not like it.

The relationship of parental rights is achieved between parents and children, giving what is received. Children do not look back, they look to the future. It's the same thing that parents did, they took their parents and gave their children away. Because they get a lot, they feel pressured to give and they are capable. Extended family We are not only for our parents, but for our larger family, for the larger system. Our family system behaves as if it is run more high function in which all its members participate.

We can compare it to a flock of birds. All of a sudden, all the birds turn and fly in a new direction, as if individual birds are being guided by a flock decision. In the family system, the higher order of the group functions as a common family consciousness. This general consciousness is primarily unconscious, and we can recognize its laws of what happens when we listen or when we violate its requirements.

We can tell who belongs to the family system through observation, who is affected by this common consciousness and who is not. As a rule, these people belong to the family system. The basic principle applied to the family system is that all members have the same right to belong to it. In many families and clans, some members are excluded. For example, an uncle is a black shepherd or an illegitimate child that no one should talk about.

Or a member may say, "I am a Catholic and you are a Protestant, and as a Catholic I have more right to belong to you than you." You are less loyal than I am, so you have less right to belong here. Religion is not as important today as it used to be, but other things are still like profession, nation, skin color, gender. Or, when a child dies sometimes, the parents give the other child the same name. They say dead child: "You no longer belong, we will replace you." At dead child no more own name. In many families, such a child is not considered for children, he is not even remembered.

His basic right to belong to the family system is affected, he is revoked. For example, if a member believes that he is better than others and is so elevated. Actually, the message is: "I have more right to belong than you." Or, when we talk badly about other members and think they are wrong, we are actually telling them, "You have less right to belong than I do." In such situations, "good" only means that we have more right to belong, and bad means that someone else has even less right.

The excluded members of the family system are still present. The basic dynamic of the family system, that all members have the same right to belong to it, cannot be violated. Whenever someone is excluded from the family system, there needs to be a settlement in the system. This compensatory dynamic results in the excluded or despised member being represented as a younger member of the family who is ignorant and helpless about this identification.

For example, a married man falls in love with another woman and tells his wife that she wants nothing to do with her. He will think of superficial and frivolous reasons to condemn his actions and justify the injustice he did to her. He later has children with his new partner, but his daughter struggles with nails for no apparent reason. It turned out that he unconsciously represented his first wife and felt the same hatred towards his father that her first wife did. But she did not even know about the existence of this first woman.

Here we see the hidden compensation of the system in action, the revenge of an injustice committed by an earlier member of an unconsciously younger member. Many serious family problems- behavioral disorders in children, as well as illness, accidents and suicidal behavior - occur when children unconsciously represent excluded members and seek redress, which these members must compensate. This shows the second characteristic of the consciousness of the family system. It ensures fairness for former members and injustice for younger members.

Junior members of the family system may be exempted from such participation if the basic laws of the family system are restored, if excluded members are returned to the family and with due respect. If it's true to say when it's so honest to name what happened and the first woman to get the respect that it belongs to, then the constellation is often seen as the person the first woman softens and she makes friends because she is respected.

Her reaction shows that she also belongs to the family system. The decision also requires the child representing the first woman to tell her: This belongs only to my father and my mother. Everything that happened between them was none of my business. These sentences also actually confirm the basic order. A father can look at his daughter and not see her first wife in her, and she can't face the hate she should feel. She can look at her and love her like a daughter.

A daughter is free to be daughter and father to father. And she can tell her mother, "I'm not related to this woman." While she is representing the first woman, her mother may unconsciously see the first woman's husband, and they may have conflicts between them as rivals.

I have no connection with this woman, please look at me as your child, this will restore basic order. Violation of the law is the cause of many serious problems. For example, when a child dies young, other children tend to feel guilty that they are still alive when their sister or brother died. It's like they think it's good for them to live and their brothers and sisters are bad because they're dead. They are then tempted to offset this benefit with an unconscious armed accident, bad luck or illness, or even a desire to die alone, though they don't know why.