Once upon a time there were a Bunny and a Squirrel. They were friends, they loved each other. Somehow the Bunny suggests:
- Squirrel, let's live together, get married.
- How so, because you are a Bunny, and I am a Squirrel.
- The strength of our love is higher than stereotypes and species-racial considerations, Squirrel.
They began to live as a family, and there is love, and understanding, and there is sex. There are just no children. They got sad. Bunny says:
- Do we really not have children because I am a Bunny, and you are a Squirrel? How so? Let's go to Owl, she's smart, she knows everything.
They came to the Owl and the Bunny says:
- Owl, tell me why we don't have children? Because we are Bunny and Squirrel?
- Are you crazy or what? You don't have children because you are a boy and he is also a boy!
There lived an old man and an old woman near Lake Chad. The old man went fishing. The first time I threw poison curare - only toads surfaced. The second time he threw poison curare - only crocodiles surfaced. The third time I threw poison to the curare - the Golden Piranha surfaced and wanted to say, they say, let me go old, I will fulfill three cherished desires, but I couldn’t, because I was paralyzed. The old man returned to the old woman with prey, the old woman was delighted, they salted the toads for the winter, they dried the crocodiles for the summer, and they immediately ate the Golden Piranha right raw. Thus, all three wishes were fulfilled by themselves.
Once upon a time there was a sister Alyonushka and a brother Ivanushka. Alyonushka was smart and hardworking, and Ivanushka was an alcoholic. How many times did his sister tell him - “Don’t drink, Ivanushka, you will become a kid!” But Ivanushka did not listen and drank. Once he bought some singed vodka in a stall, drank it and felt that he could no longer stand on two legs, he had to lower himself by four points. And just then the shameful wolves come up to him and say: “Well, the goat, did you drink it?”. And so they hit him on the horns that he threw back his hooves ...
And his sister Alyonushka got his apartment, because good always triumphs over evil!
Bear hut
Who ate from my plate? Father Bear asks menacingly.
Who ate from my plate? the eldest son asks.
- And who ate from my plate? - squeaks the youngest son.
“Fuckers, I haven’t poured you yet. - answers the bear.
A soldier was walking home from service. He knocked on the way to a house. “Let me in,” he says, “to spend the night, masters.” And in the house lived a greedy old woman. “Spend the night, sleep,” she said, “only I have nothing to treat you with.” “It doesn’t matter,” the soldier replied, “just give me an ax, and I’ll cook porridge out of it.” “What are you, a soldier,” the old woman was indignant, “do you think I’m completely stupid? What will I cut wood with then?” So the soldier remained without salty slurping. By the way, his name was Rodion Raskolnikov.
Pages: 1
Never give up
By CherepanovaKsu
294 30
Micha Taylor. My first love. My first sexual experience. My first deep disappointment. Letting him into my life was easy. Forgetting him is damn hard. It's been five years... but nothing has been forgotten. Five for long years who can't erase... memories of him... my regrets. Now he's back. What will happen when a deep disappointment reveals your best-kept secret? This is the moment that will change everything! Lies are told, secrets are revealed, and the heartache of the past makes me open the innermost part of my soul. And then comes the day that I was so afraid of. How can I survive this again when losing him even once hurt like hell... losing him a second time would mean destroying myself completely. I do the only thing I can... My name is Elsa Winters, and this is my story.
N1. How Masha ate porridge (anatomical)
The unfortunate Masha was sitting at the table and, with undisguised disgust, ate a nasty semolina(With butter). The oil spread on a plate, and because of this, the porridge looked even more disgusting.
A large bull tapeworm sat in the gastrointestinal tract of poor Masha. Sat and devoured a healthy machine body.
Very tiny viruses were sitting in very small bacteria. Sat and ate stupid brainless bacteria. There were a lot of bacteria: eat - I don’t want to, but for some reason the viruses looked very sad. There must have been someone in them too. Sat and ate. But, since they themselves were very tiny, it is hardly possible to confirm this assumption at this stage in the development of technology.
And that means the end of the story!
N2 About the turnip (criminal)
Pulled Mouse Pussy. Kitty pulled the Beetle. The bug pointed at the granddaughter. The granddaughter grabbed the grandmother. Grandmas were brought to Dedka, and Lieutenant Vasiliev became Major Nasibovich, since Dedka split, and the turnip was returned to the state farm that had grown it.
N3. Goat with nuts
(bureaucratic)
Goat went to work to knit. And he sent his Goat somewhere to snatch nuts. The Goat came from work - he does not knit bast, but there is no mention of Goats with nuts.
"Good, Goat, I'll put you on the wanted list." The Goat went to the Wolf, told about the misfortune. The gray one did not help him: "It's not up to you yet, and so the affairs of the grandmother of the Red Cap and the three piglets hang on me, and here you are still climbing with your Goat."
"Good, Wolf, I will complain about you to important people." People didn't help.
Then Kozel complained about important people Dubin. Dubina did not help him. The Goat complained about the Dubin Brick. Brick did not help him. Then Kozel complained ...
Etc. and so on.
In a word, no matter how much Kozel went to different authorities, everywhere he only hears: "Fuck off, Kozel, it's not up to you."
Kozel realized that it was useless for him to fight for personal happiness when there was mutual responsibility around. "God be with her, - he thinks, - with the Goat." He spat on everything, went and found himself a heifer.
N4. Koschei the Immortal
(household fairy tale)
Once upon a time there was Kashchei the immortal in this world. Vrednyuchy, frankly, was an old man. Yes, and naglyuchy, straight save no. Only affairs and knew that kind people built intrigues. True, good people did not stand still in their development, and they themselves soon learned to intrigue each other. So our Kashchei remained out of work. Lived without a break in his distant kingdom, the thirtieth state.
He lived, lived and acquired a stomach ulcer, osteochondrosis of the lumbar joints of the spine, artherosclerosis, and a host of all sorts of unpleasant things. Yes, there is also his cohabitant, Baba Yaga, as if furious. Or maybe not mad, but just in Once again felt like a berry. Saws the unfortunate old man all day long. Like, you, old stump, have become worthless for anything, you can only rattle your bones.
Yes, and his darling daughter, Basilisk the Wise (she studied at foreign colleges), keeps her side. Like, dad, you are really out of date.
And all because he gives her little money. He would be more happy, but where to get it, is the pension great or what? What are the needs of young people? That's it. They brought the old man to such a state that at least lie down in a coffin and die.
Easy to say! He himself would not mind, but it is impossible - immortal. And suicide ends life - willpower is not enough.
And the wife and daughter are even more furious. In the end, the old man was bitten. He got angry in earnest, kicked them out of the house to hell, and in addition he turned his daughter into a frog. "Well," he says, "you're in the swamp."
Only a lonely life is also hard. Completely bored Kashchei, squirmed. And it’s reluctant to go back with the family, it will be even worse. "If only, - he thinks, - what kind of fool was found, he would help to die."
And found one.
There are still fools on the Russian land! Ivanushka rides on a horse and waves his saber:
- Come out, - he says, - Kashchei for a mortal battle.
Kashchei stuck his head out the window:
- You, Vanyusha, don’t powder your brains, have you forgotten your official duties again? Here are the secret topographic maps, go to Buyan Island. There you will see an oak tree. Don’t be afraid, you won’t get lost, he was the only one left there, the rest were cut down for firewood a long time ago. On the oak is a chest. There is a rabbit in the chest. In a hare - a duck. The duck has an egg. In the egg is a needle, and in the needle is my death. Remember? Here I wrote it down for you in case you get confused. Well, come on, there's nothing to prance about here, go!
Ivan went to Buyan Island. I found an oak there and did my job. Kashcheyushko died.
Only it was not joyful for a fool to live in this world. Neither those in the open field to go hunting for Gorynych, nor to Chude-Yuda to look at cards. About kikimora-mermaids and do not give a hint!
His Wise Wise wife turned out, for nothing, to look like a frog-frog, cold and bow-legged; she immediately took away the saber and hid it in the closet. “Enough,” he says to you, “work up!” And in general, no matter what Ivan has planned, she already knows everything in advance. And right behind the rolling pin: look, they say, with me.
Yes, not only is his wife like that, but his mother-in-law is a spitting image of Baba Yaga. Well, would you call it a happy ending?
N5 Once upon a time - there were (a fairy tale for fools)
There lived a grandfather and a woman. They ate porridge with milk. Apparently, they lived quite well, once they had enough for porridge and milk. With oil, probably, there was porridge. So what caused the conflict remains unclear. But the fact remains: the woman turned out to be underground. And there, in the underground, lived cancer. Well, then you yourself already remembered, probably. Who has heard the story? You understand who.
N6 Tales about animals
N6-A (about the crow)
There lived a crow in the world. Big and grey. In fact, there was nothing special about her: a crow like a crow. She just couldn't fly. But she knew how to wag her tail. She also didn't have wings. But there were four legs. And besides, she knew how to bark. So it turns out that it was not a crow, but a dog, moreover, a service dog.
But this dog was disappointed in his dog life. And therefore she carried her service poorly: she could not save anything. So, after all, this suggests that it was a crow.
N6-B (about a dog)
There lived a pop (oatmeal forehead). The priest had a dog. But he didn't love her. And that means there's really nothing to talk about.
I'd rather tell you about the crow (see fairy tale N6-A).
N6-C (about a white bull)
(a commercial)
What am I going to tell you all the time for nothing fairy tales? Let's agree, citizens: I give you a fairy tale, you give me a ruble. No, two is better. No better than three, no more... What? Expensive please? What's cheap now? If you don't want it, don't, whatever you want. Fuck you from me then, not fairy tales. What? What does it have to do with white goby?
And besides, I don’t even know why!
The old man threw the net into the sea for the first time and pulled out a lot of fish, the old man threw the net into the sea the second time, and all the fish swam away.
The father gathered his sons, picked up a bar, bent it - and the bar broke. Then he took a bundle of rods, began to bend it in any way - but the rods did not break.
So, sons, the moral is this. If you need to bend someone, then the whole team is better at once. Nobody breaks down, nobody quits.
Bear hut
Who ate from my plate? Father Bear asks menacingly.
Who ate from my plate? the eldest son asks.
Who ate from my plate? - squeaks the youngest son.
“Fuckers, I haven’t poured you yet,” the bear answers.
“Where are you going with these charred firebrands?”
- We'll have a barbecue.
- Stupid, this is a hospital!?
- We're kidding. We carry Pinocchio to the burn room.
Caught by an old man goldfish, she prayed and said to her grandfather:
- Let me go, grandfather, I will fulfill your every desire.
“I want to be a hero of the Soviet Union.
And the grandfather was left alone with two grenades against five tanks.
A guy and a girl got married. And they agreed that each would save a grain of rice after treason. They lived to a ripe old age and decided to open up to each other. The grandfather took out his pile, which fit in the palm of his hand. The grandmother unties the handkerchief - and there are only a few grains.
Grandfather asks in surprise:
- And it's all?
- And who fed you porridge throughout the war?
Once upon a time there were a Bunny and a Squirrel. They were friends, they loved each other. Somehow the Bunny suggests:
- Squirrel, let's live together, get married.
- How so, because you are a Bunny, and I am a Squirrel.
- The strength of our love is higher than stereotypes and species-racial considerations, Squirrel.
They began to live as a family, and there is love, and understanding, and there is sex. There are just no children. They got sad. Bunny says:
- Do we really not have children because I am a Bunny, and you are a Squirrel? How so? Let's go to Owl, she's smart, she knows everything.
They came to the Owl and the Bunny says:
- Owl, tell me why we don't have children? Because we are Bunny and Squirrel?
- Are you crazy or what? You don't have children because you are a boy and he is also a boy!
Night. Little Red Riding Hood is walking along the forest path. Suddenly towards - Wolf.
Hat, what are you doing? Night! Forest! You never know what - attacked, robbed, raped!
- Come on! I still have no money, but I love to have sex!
Koschey the Immortal, Kikimora and Baba Yaga decided to get higher education. They meet after six years, ask each other who became who. Koshchey says:
- I entered the Institute of Steel and Alloys, what armor I made for myself!
- And I, - answers Kikimora, - I studied as an ecologist, now I have complete order in the swamp.
“Ah,” says Baba Yaga, “I studied at PhysTech!”
Koschei with Kikimora in surprise:
- What are you all of a sudden?
- And I'm the most beautiful girl there!
- Harry? What is this? - you probably thought.
It's Harry Potter! For those who don't know, I'll tell you now!
... Over the mountains, behind the valleys, there lived a little boy. His name was Harry Potter. Our Harry was an orphan, and for this sad reason he was brought up by relatives. His family hated him terribly. Why so? Everything is simple here. Harry is an awesome guy! Smart, kind and likable.
One day, Harry found out that his parents were wizards.
"I'll be a wizard too!" - Fired up Harry and went to study at the Fairytale School.
School for wizards is good! Candy here as much as you want! Just happened in educational institution one problem - a terrorist wound up! Here, from under the silence, he will spoil, then there.
- Who does it? I won't put my mind to it! Mystery! the director threw up his hands.
What about the operational environment? She kept getting hotter and hotter! Then Harry and two of his friends went in search of the elusive.
- Only forward! Harry insisted stubbornly.
The search trio broke through with losses, but overcame one fabulous obstacle after another.
At the final operation, Harry was left alone. From minute to minute he will go to the enemy. Here in the war zone, our hero noticed an old teacher. At school he was loved, but considered a simpleton.
- Run faster! Who will come here now! Harry called out.
- Everything's under control! I am the villain! - doomed said the teacher.
- Can't be! - dumbfounded Harry.
Who doesn't believe us? - the Evil Spirit could not resist and looked out of the head of the teacher.
- That's who is to blame for everything! Harry gasped. - Our teacher has turned into a zombie!
Harry was right! An evil spirit secretly entered the teacher's brain, subjugated his will and body, and forced him to do bad deeds without any problems. Now Harry knew too much, and the Evil Spirit decided to destroy him. He rushed furiously at the boy. What could poor Harry do? He was a minor and did not have the right to carry any weapons with him: neither cold, nor firearms, nor radiating types. But Harry didn't hesitate. He began to fight the spirit with his bare hands.
And then a miracle happened! Where Harry touched the villain with his hands, he began to crumble like sand! Harry quickly assessed the situation and adjusted his close combat tactics as he went.
- Grab the enemy for life important places! Harry told himself.
No sooner said than done! Soon, only a handful of sand remained from the Evil Spirit, and even that scattered in the wind. Then Harry sat down on the stone steps and stared at his palms in surprise. He saw them a thousand times when he washed with soap and without, but he did not suspect what secret power was hidden in them.
You, too, can protect yourself from an invisible force. Put your hand on the place that hurts, and the Evil Spirit will immediately leave from there! Are you coughing? Palms on the sides of the neck! Does it smell like gas? Finger to the nose! Does your heart hurt? Hand on heart! Difficulty swallowing? Run your hand along your throat! So in shape fascinating fairy tale one English lady spoke about biosecurity methods. The author showed how a person can protect himself from secret influence. An impact that has plagued people for over 50 years. How did the British intelligence services overlook Harry? I need to come up with something! And then I spit about the remote effect straight away. I do not advise you to do this.
- Why? some will frown.
Nobody will believe it anyway! But if anything, blame everything on Harry!
