- Dad, what is blasphemy expressed in?
- This, son, when your mother says to me: “I drank all sorts of rubbish again!”
"And where is the blasphemy?"
- Well, how can you talk like that about vodka!
Are you a urologist?
— I'm a UFOLOGIST!
- What's the difference?
- I'm dealing with aliens!
- How is that?
Well, aliens from other planets...
- Is it like...
Well, Mars, Venus...
"Then I'm right there for you!"
- With what?
— With venereal!
“Chinese restaurants always serve two macaroni, completely raw!”
- Those are sticks!
“Call them whatever you want, they’re still raw.
- When, finally, will we have normal ministers ?!
- When all the relatives of the Minister of Health will be sent to the village hospital for treatment, and the Minister of Education will be forced to pass the exam ...
In every pretty girl
In every shy lapushka,
May be hidden somewhere
Fucking great-grandmother genes!!!
The Pope flew to New York for a conference... Early in the morning he runs out of the hotel and hails a taxi. Having caught the car, he says to the taxi driver:
- You have to break the rules traffic so that I can get to Mass on time. And no one will tell me anything. Let me lead.
Papa got behind the wheel. On the way, a policeman stops them and reports to the sergeant on the radio:
“Sir, I have arrested an important person…
— Who is this, the mayor of New York?
- No sir, this is cooler ...
“Don’t tell me it’s the state governor…
“Sir, I don’t know who this is, but he has a driver himself, the Pope!”
There is a Russian language lesson at the CIA school. The teacher asks:
- Who has questions about the situation "liquor store"?
One agent raises his hand.
- Sir, tell me, please, in the phrase “Guys, they haven’t brought port wine again! "
— where should the indefinite article “b%ya” be placed?
- I teach you, I teach! The indefinite article "b%ya" in this phrase can be used both "BEFORE" any word, and "AFTER" it !!! …
A letter from a children's sports camp: "Dear parents, I live well. Yesterday we had boxing competitions. I send my toothbrush, paste and other unnecessary items home."
- Honey, I'm on a diet, so I'll only eat lobsters, truffles and lobsters!
- Yes, you are petty! Eat money right now!
A stoned junkie comes to the tattoo shop to the same stoned Master:
H: “Bro, can you stab a tank on my back? "
M: “Easy… Lie down…”
Work in progress, after 2 minutes:
M: "Get up, it's ready. "
H: “Che, in nature, in two minutes you stabbed a tank !!! "
M: “What is there to prick, only four letters ...”
Putin and Bush in Russia on a fishing trip.
They threw the fishing rods, Putin is looking intently at the float. Bush slaps himself first on the cheek, then on the forehead, then on the neck, he is all gone. He looks at Putin - he calmly follows the float.
- Voldemar, why don't they bite the face?
- I can't.
The surgeon examines X-ray:
— Yes-a-a! The clavicle is broken, two ribs are broken, a crack in the fibula. Well, never mind, we'll fix everything in Photoshop!
Everything seems to be going well: a good job, I bought a car and an apartment, I got money for a mistress, and you - once ... and retire!
Yesterday there were hammer throwing competitions. Most of all, the audience rushed about in the sixth row, where, in fact, the hammer flew.
Russian village peasants gathered to slaughter a sheep. Of course, they drank very well, and then it turned out that no one knows how to cut it. They sent the most stupid:
- You go to the mosque, call the Tatar to kill him.
He enters the mosque, there is a prayer service, and says:
— Are there Tatars?! Tatars, I say, there are!!!
The most extreme answers:
- Well, I'm a Tatar, but what?
- Come with me!
Gone, come to the place. Well, the Tatar was explained what was the matter. They start cutting. And the stupid peasant only gets in the way, he is already covered in blood. They tell him to go for another Tatar. He is back to the mosque, his hands are covered in blood:
— There are more Tatars!!!
Panic in the mosque.
— There are still Tatars!!!
And then the mullah gets up, crosses himself and says:
- Son, here's a cross for you - you took the last one ...
A prostitute makes a boatswain. An hour does, two ... three ...
— Listen, Boatswain, you don’t even have to?!
- And I don’t need Schaub standing, I need Schaub SHINE!!!
Domodedovo, the light was just given, the customs office finally started working, after three days of waiting in the dark and cold .. The customs officer cheerfully asks the angry, tired passenger:
Do you have any weapons or drugs?
- I would have, I would have applied it a long time ago. .
A liner is sinking in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. The captain is in a panic, and then he is informed that among the passengers there is a rabbi who can perform miracles.
He is urgently brought to the captain and he asks:
“Rabbi, what can be done?”
- Do you have Internet?
- Eat!
- Then sell the ship.
The son asks his father: - Dad, what is a branch?
- Son, do you have a pot?
- Yes, dad.
- So your pot is a branch of our toilet bowl.
Blonde at the doctor's appointment:
— Doctor, why did you tell me to stick out my tongue? I've been sitting like this for half an hour, and you don't even look at him!
-When you are silent, it is more convenient to read the medical history ...
- What magnificent lawns you have! Is the grass on the lawn English?
- I don’t know if she is English or not, but she inserts not like a child!
An interesting fact: after any dispute, you find that you know many more other, more convincing arguments in your favor.
Champagne, box of chocolates, bubble bath, bouquet of roses, condoms
- 2500 rubles on the MasterCard card. Envy in the eyes of the cashier is priceless.
- It's strange that you somehow have furniture: a piano on the closet, a TV in the refrigerator ... Did you rearrange?
- Yes.
- By feng shui, I suppose?
- No, not ... drunk ...
The son comes to the father:
- Dad! Dad! Let's go hunting again tomorrow!
- No! Tomorrow we'll go with you to the optometrist, - the father answered angrily, digging the shot out of his ass.
In a court:
- Grisha, why do you have to stand in court during the announcement of the verdict?
- Because after that you need to sit for a long time.
Vladimir Vladimirovich was offended and did not extend Dmitry Anatolyevich's presidential term because, while playing badminton, he shouted "vovanchik" instead of "roller".
You have no idea how timely you came to me!
— What is it, doctor? Do I have something very serious?
“One more day and you would have recovered yourself!”
Folk omen.
Letting your wife go to the supermarket “just to look” is a big profit. Shop.
- Coconut is the only plant that produces seminal fluid, scientifically endosperm.
“I think I figured out why coconuts are hairy…”
Two friends meet. One says:
“Imagine, my husband is so fat that he can barely fit through the door.
- So let him go in for sports, write it down in sports Complex, I know one very good one: there are 10 pools, 30 gyms, 6 tennis courts.
— Wow, exactly! How did I not think of this myself...
The same friends meet in a couple of months. The one who advised the sports center asks:
- How are you getting on?
- No way.
“What, you didn’t manage to persuade him to enroll in a sports center?
- I persuaded you. He now spends whole days there: playing chess and drinking beer.
If a woman knows exactly how many panties she has, then she has almost none.
Ours break through the opponent's defense!!! Very accurate pass!!! ABOUT!!! Look!!! Ours in three!!! Against one goalkeeper!!! ! They graze!!! Aaa! ! Canopy!!! HIT!!! GOOOOOOOON-DOOOOO-NYYYY Durex IS OUR SPONSOR TODAY!!!
- I can.
- No.
After the lesson.
Well, were there any questions?
- And what did you answer?
- Comrade ensign, can you give an astronomy lesson at the school for young astronauts?
- I can.
- And you are not afraid of students' questions? They guys are smart and corrosive.
- No.
After the lesson.
Well, were there any questions?
- Only one. Some smart guy asked: "Since when has the Sun been going around the Earth?"
- And what did you answer?
- I answered evasively: "Yes, fuck you!"
The girl imitated an orgasm so well that in the morning the neighbors on the site gave her the audience award.
Two businessmen, Rabinovich and Shlemenzon, met on the street:
- You know, Dodik, - says Rabinovich, - I described you from the very better side.
Thanks, Yasha! How exactly?
- I said that you are doing fine, a large fortune, unlimited credit, huge income.
“I am very grateful to you, dear. Where did you give me such a high rating?
— How is it where? At the tax office.
The main difference between a man and a woman is that a man seeks favor from the object of his passion in spite of everything, and a woman usually continues to love no matter what.
You are looking at a publication from the "Anecdotes" section. You can also watch the following interesting news:Did you like the news Carbon jokes for 03/13/2019?
Then look also: |
1. I have a patient character. I've been hoarding myself for a long time.
Is it like a cumulative discount system?
- Yeah, first the discount system, and then the distribution of awesome bonuses.
2. My heart has actually been busy for a long time. It pumps blood around the body.
3. I really like order, so I always put a cup of coffee on the coffee trail from the previous cup.
4. When did democracy begin? When God brought Adam to Eve and said:
Well, choose your wife!
5. Starting life from scratch is easy. It's harder to get out...
6. The voodoo sorceress, poking her needles into a bag of garbage, crippled the police outfit.
7. A completely drunk cop stops the car and says:
Why are you two driving?
The driver replies:
- And it was worth surrounding the car because of this?
8. If you are calm, and people around you are running around screaming in a panic - perhaps you did not understand something ...
9. Two drunkards are talking.
- Will you stop a galloping horse?
- Of course not.
- Will you enter a burning hut?
- Are you crazy.
- That's why I respect you, that you are not a woman.
Wow very funny jokes
10. - I was worried. You stopped texting me. What's happened?
- I stopped drinking.
11. I always carry condoms with me in case I meet a compliant girl who agrees.
buy them from me.
12. Children's laughter- the best thing in the world. Except when it's one in the morning, you're alone
at home and you don't have children.
13. There is a registration for work. Personnel officer reads work book new employee by last position
works:
- You were hired on January 16, and left on January 24 of the same year. Why?
“The more I sobered up, the less I liked it there.
14. Came to a free clinic - they said that he was healthy. Came to the paid - immediately found measles,
bronchitis, ulcers and deafness in the left ear.
15. My husband and I have a lot in common.
He is proud and I am proud.
He is bad and I am bad.
He loves me and I love me...
16. The guy invited a random friend to the room. Undress:
- Yes, you are quite a baby, you don’t even have wool yet.
- And what, are you going to knit mittens with your crochet hook?
17. A widow meets a widower at the cemetery.
- What happened to your wife?
- You know, I have a very large penis, and my wife died during sex.
Woman:
- After my husband Edward, I don't want to live. Please finish me off on this grave.
Carbon monoxide and hilarious jokes for a good mood
Morning round at the hospital.
The doctor approaches the first patient:
- Diagnosis?
- Haemorrhoids
- What is the treatment?
- Smear with iodine.
- Are there any complaints?
- No.
Asks the second patient:
- Diagnosis?
- Haemorrhoids.
- What is the treatment?
- Smear with iodine.
- Complaints?
- No.
Suitable for the third
- Diagnosis?
- Angina.
- What is the treatment?
- Smear with iodine.
- Complaints?
- Let them smear me first.
One man is already tired of giving hints to one intractable girl. He could not stand it and writes SMS to her: “Let's at least sleep for money”
She told him: "I have no money"
He told her: "I'm crying"
She told him: "Don't cry, everything will be fine..."
* * *
In the synagogue they are escorted to last way Moishe Fisher.
Rebbe: Today we see off our good Moishe Fischer...
From the crowd: Yes, how kind is he!? Redneck!
Rebbe: Moishe has always made large contributions to our synagogue...
From the crowd: Yes, what contributions are there! The sting was real.
Rebbe: We all loved Moisha...
From the crowd: So everyone here hated him ...
Rebbe: Look, can anyone tell me good words towards the deceased?
Silence. Then from the crowd:
“Well, his brother was even worse!”
According to the order of the Ministry of Health of the Russian Federation to a set of standard psychiatrist questions “What is your name?” and “What year is it now?”
the question “Whose Crimea is?” is added.
Dad, I still can't marry Izya: he's an atheist and doesn't believe in the existence of Hell.
- So come out boldly, Sarochka: you and your mother will quickly prove to him that he was very mistaken.
Jokes are hilarious to tears
The newlyweds arrive in the village. Day do not leave the bedroom, two. Grandmother shouts to them:
- Granddaughter, you would go out, eat at least.
- Yes, we are full grandmother, we eat the fruits of love!
- Yes, you eat, just don’t throw the peel from them out the window, otherwise the geese choke.
Grandfather comes to the polling station, approaches one of the members of the commission and asks:
- May I know if my wife voted?
- Of course, now let's look at the lists. Yes, she signed for the receipt of the ballots. And what, grandfather, you do not live together?
- No, she died 10 years ago, but every time she comes to vote. And I can't stop her.
Grandma comes to church. Approaches the father and asks.
- Father, can I sing the dog?
- My daughter, wake up, in the church only people are buried! Go down the street, there at the Baptists prayer house. Maybe they will help!
- Father, are they expensive? Will $2000 be enough for me?
- Oh, daughter! Why didn't you tell me right away that your dog is Orthodox!!!
Girlfriend to friend:
- I am pregnant!
- Where did you get it?
- Doctor said!
- And who is the father?
- Oh, the doctor didn't say!
A German is asked:
- By BMW
- And abroad?
- Well, abroad in a Mercedes.
The French ask:
What car do you drive to the store?
- for Renault!
- And abroad?
- Abroad on Peugeot!
Then they ask a Russian:
What car do you drive to the store?
- By tram!
- And abroad?
- We don't go abroad!
- Well, if necessary?
- We don't need to!
- Well, if V-O-O-O-O-T is necessary?
- We don't need it!
- Well, if V-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-T is so up to the throat?
- Well, if V-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-T is so up to the throat, then on TANKS!
The most carbon anecdotes for lovers of neighing
Support question:
—————————
Dear Support,
I want to save the movie to a floppy disk, but the computer tells me that
not enough space so I have to save the shortcut. If i want
watch a movie on another computer, it gives me an error that the file
not found. But the movie plays perfectly on my computer! IN
what's the problem?
With friendly regards, Katya Ivanova
Answer:
—————————
Dear Katya Ivanova,
You want to put a mink coat in your purse, but it won't fit in there.
Therefore, you take a sheet of paper and write on it that the fur coat is hanging in the closet and
put the sheet in your purse - it fits perfectly there. But when visiting
you take out a piece of paper from a friend and read that a fur coat is hanging in the closet, then you
open the closet and mink coat don't you find it there?
handbag = floppy disk
fur coat = movie
sheet = label
cabinet = computer
moth in closet = virus
closet neighbor = hacker 😉
Best regards, Support
I bought a Tele2 SIM card in St. Petersburg from
sales girl and ask:
- How to check the balance?
Her answer killed me:
- Hedgehog, 105, fence.
A man enters the cell and the godfather says to him:
- Will you give a fork in the eye or in the ass?
The man turns around and knocks on the door and shouts:
- Release! I don't want to sit with roosters.
They freaked out:
- Come on? Where do you see roosters?
Man:
- Yes, I don’t see one-eyed people among you!
* * *
A blind American flew to Russia. On the way to the hotel
Complained that they were taking too long. They answered him:
At the hotel I went to the bar and ordered one drink. He was given a glass of vodka.
He complained that the portion was too big. They answered him:
- And in Russia everything is huge!
From the bar, he went to the toilet, but the wrong door and got into the pool.
He went in and fell into the water, but how he yells:
- Just don't drain the water!
The girl, out of breath, runs to work:
- Good cock! Ugh, no - a fat day! Oh! ... In general, girls, what would have been yesterday!!!
Here, here, click "new tab" and a new window appears in the browser ...
- Yes, stop! That is, I bought a second laptop in vain ?!
Girl, do you like animals?
- Very!
- Take me to your place, I'm such a beast!
Why is the description of all SIMPLE recipes starts with "take a kilo of a pig, an avocado, a snowy owl's ass feather and three dinosaur eyes"?
Son, what is that white powder all over the kitchen?
- It's cocaine.
- Don't lie to me, this is flour, you tried to bake a cake for your woman again, rag.
Mom, can I go for a walk?
- Are you out of your mind? You have registration in the registry office in two hours!
In Costa Rica, they smear their hands with the juice of a rubber tree, then wave them. The juice hardens and the gloves are ready.
- Cool! How do they make condoms?
Dear, I want to dye my hair red in the summer.
- For what?
- I want to do something original with my head.
- Read a book.
A woman in a marriage agency selects options:
- That's a good candidate. Male, 38 years old, height 184 cm, weight 85 kg, brunette.
- ABOUT! Interesting!
- I do not smoke. Master of sports in swimming.
- Great option!
- Your own business: a factory, a car service center and a network of gas stations. A mansion outside the city, a dacha by the sea, 2 cars, a yacht…
- Just beautiful!
- From hobbies: plays tanks.
- Let's go next.
Grandmother:
- Here, Zhenechka, you are already 3 years old. Ask mom and dad to buy you a brother or sister.
Zhenya:
- Why spend money? Our mother is still young, she can give birth.
Traffic police driver:
- Commander, let go.
Guard, leafing through documents:
- Not allowed!
- How not supposed to? And on the eighth page?
- Ah, yes, it is supposed to be free ...
My son has speech problems. Do you know any phrases?
- Near the pit there is a hill with sacks, I'll go out onto the hill, I'll fix the sack.
“…Damn…now I’m in trouble…”
Woman in front of a mirror
- Oh, I’ve grown fat, I need to lose weight, my hair is bad, there’s nothing to wear, cheeks like a hamster’s, fat folds, my stomach hangs down, my thighs are huge.
Man in front of a mirror
- Do not care ... Handsome!
A real man must remember:
- the day you met
- the day you had your first date
- the day you went to a restaurant for the first time;
- the day you had your first kiss
- the day when the first sex was.
But the male brain is so arranged that it simply cannot remember so many dates. Therefore, the man tries to do it all in one day.
The girl writes to the guy:
- Honey, if you sleep - send me your dreams. If you smile, send a smile. If you cry, send your tears.
He:
- I'm on the toilet, what should I send?
The mother brings her little daughter to a psychiatrist. He asks her:
- Girl, what's your name?
- Masha.
- And how old are you?
- 5.
- What time of year is it?
- Summer.
- Masha, what a summer. Did you go sledding yesterday?
- Yes.
- Did you make a snowman?
- Yes.
- So what is this summer!
- This is such a shitty summer!
How long are you going to get on my nerves? I tell you for the hundredth time: this is a hardware store!!! We don't have kefir!
- Well, okay, okay ... And fermented baked milk?
