Question to the psychologist:
Hello. My problem may seem silly, but it worries me a lot.
For almost a year and a half I have been dating a young man, we love each other very much (so I thought, anyway). IN Lately we both have a session, stress, we were often nervous, but the relationship was still very good - before I had a nervous breakdown. I had a tantrum, we quarreled out of the blue, I threatened that I would kill myself, I called and wrote to him all day, although he had couples, and he repeatedly said that he could not answer. I know that this characterizes me as a complete selfish and hysterical, but then I really wanted to die, I asked him for help, and the words "I can't answer, are you even catching up that I'm late?" were a huge blow to me. I ended up taking the pills and passed out; woke up in the hospital, they were only enough for a small poisoning. They let me go home, and when I arrived, I saw that there was not a single missed call from him - after I said that I was going to kill myself and did not appear on the line for almost three days. It hurt me very painfully, I called him, threw a tantrum again, he also did not restrain himself in expressions: he said that he was worried, yes, but what could he do, he shouldn’t run around the city looking for me, and indeed my words about the intention to commit suicide very strongly torn him away from me. In the end, we both tried to understand each other, hushed it up, calmed down and for a while we talked almost as usual. I understood, of course, that both of us needed time to move away, but still today I could not resist and asked: what do you feel about me now?
The answer was, I don't know. I can't say I love it, but I can't say the opposite either. Again, this hurt me greatly: for me, love has always been a feeling that either exists or not, without half measures, and these “I don’t know” here. At the same time, he does not want to leave, he says that time is needed - but what time are we talking about if he is not even sure that he loves?
The psychologist Opaleva Alexandra Alexandrovna answers the question.
Anna, good afternoon.
Did I understand correctly from the letter that before " nervous breakdown"Did you mostly calmly resolve conflicts between you? Didn't you utter threats regarding your life? If so, then perhaps the young man saw you, so to speak, from the other side. Perhaps this side scared him, because not every day loved ones people demand a response to messages otherwise they will injure themselves... The time he asks will most likely be spent on a decision important issues. For example, "Will I be ready to re-" nervous breakdown"?", "Do I need it at all?". Please allow time for reflection, speaks of his serious attitude to you and your meetings.
Of course, waiting for him to decide is hard. Therefore, try to take this lull as an opportunity to take care of yourself. Pay due attention to the session, spend time with friends, go where you have long wanted. Restore your state of mind you can be alone with yourself. Walking, look at people, listen to the sounds around you. Switch your attention to different objects, so you will not notice how the stress level will decrease. Then it will be possible to calmly discuss the relationship with the young man.
Hello!
I am 25 years old. I live in a civil marriage for 4 years. Have no children. My husband is 28 years old. He works, is fond of parachuting.
I live already long time in uncertainty, which is very difficult. My husband cannot decide whether he likes me or not, whether he needs me or not. He says that sometimes he really wants to sign, have children. But the next day, everything can change for him, he wants to get away from everyone and from me. I never put pressure on him, I didn’t expect anything, I didn’t demand anything. But I thought we loved each other. And the time will come - everything will be. I am very sorry that the person with whom I have been living for so many years does not even know whether he loves me or not, whether he is needed or not. And I didn’t even talk about it until I myself started this topic, when will we sign and that I’m not small, at my age they already have children.
We've been talking a lot about this lately, trying to figure it out. But he cannot understand himself, what to be afraid of, what he wants. He understands my condition, but cannot tell me anything definite. Only: "If it's very hard for you, you'd better leave, I don't want to torment you, your years are coming."
I think he just doesn't love me. After all, when you love, there can be no doubt. Moreover, we do not live one year. True, we have problems in everyday life (we rent a tiny apartment, his parents refused to help him, although there is a possibility;)
I don't know what to do, so I can't do it anymore either. I thought that I have it, family. It turned out there was nothing.
Is it really possible or is he still missing something? He is very afraid of "chopping from the shoulder", making mistakes. So it doesn't solve anything and keeps me in limbo. What's going on I can't understand. It’s hard and insulting for me, I want to leave him, but I can’t because I love him. Like on a long leash.
What should I do next?
Thanks in advance for your attention and advice.
Anastasia, Russia, 25 years old
Answer:
Family psychologist
Hello Anastasia.
"What should I do next?" To be honest, I don't know. Depending on what you want to get. It happens that we know what we want and how to achieve it (or we don’t know how to achieve it - it doesn’t matter), but we don’t do anything for this. Sometimes we don't know what we want and then we don't do anything either. And it happens that we know what we want and do everything to get it. There is a catch in this, because we are doing something anyway. But how we choose what to do is the question. For example, you ask, what should I do? But you are already doing something - living with your husband and not leaving him - this is your choice, perhaps this is what you want. Do what you want and see fit, what your heart tells you, etc.
Sincerely, Moskova Maria Valerievna.
Throughout life, love visits us repeatedly, and always in a different guise. Often we are ready to believe that we have met our fate, and then we are defeated and disappointed. How do you know if you love a person or not? Many people ask this question, because happiness depends on it.
What if I'm in doubt?
Many people think that the very fact of doubt indicates the absence of love. Say, if you love, then such questions do not come to mind. Actually it is not. Even Descartes argued that doubts testify that we think, and therefore we exist.
Doubt is excluded when we are seized with passion or suffer from unrequited love. If even violent emotions have calmed down, people feel the need to assess their condition, to realize what they are experiencing in relation to another person.
And feelings are always contradictory. That's just the chosen one seemed the best, the one and only, but suddenly his careless word hurt painfully, resentment arose in his soul, and doubts appeared. So there is a need to understand whether you really love a person or not. Getting an answer is very important. Doubts do not allow building relationships, they slow down the development of events. After all ? Of course, on whether there are between spouses real love.
Out of sight, out of mind?
One of the most reliable ways to test feelings is, unfortunately, separation. After mutual insults and violent quarrels, they become so heated that they decide to leave at least for a while. And here there are two options. Or after parting, you will feel relief and in a few days you will forget about former lover. You may be perplexed if everything is fine anyway, and life blossoms with new colors without them.
Or you will begin to yearn, remembering the time spent together, the words of a loved one, his hugs. If you feel an urgent desire to immediately run to him and forgive everything, then there is no doubt: he is exactly the one you need.
Unfortunately, it may also happen that you begin to suffer without your chosen one due to the fact that you are dependent on him. In this case, your suffering will have a negative emotional connotation. In other words, you will feel hatred and annoyance at the fact that you are drawn to this person. And true love is associated with positive emotions.
What will the heart say?
You can often hear advice to trust your heart. But how to do that? How to distinguish a lot of opinions from the real? We are prevented from hearing the voice of the soul by attempts to rationalize what is happening. So it’s worth trying to turn off the assessment for a while and listen only to the emotional component. Just describe to yourself how you feel.
Often people make the mistake of considering love as something permanent and unchanging. In fact, the feelings we experience can change. It depends on resentment, on mood and sometimes even on fatigue. And only somewhere in the depths of the soul, where it is not so easy to look, true love lives, which neither parting, nor betrayal, nor other people's opinions can change.
by the most the best way to understand whether you love a person or not is a conversation. Frank will allow you to better understand each other and discover new facets not only in your partner, but also in yourself. Conversation will help to release resentment and express what worries you.
Give your partner the same opportunity. Feel free to describe your feelings, but just do it carefully so as not to inadvertently cause a spiritual wound. Before you say anything, put yourself in the other person's shoes. If you were sincere, then your doubts will melt, and after them the irritation will also go away, and only the real will remain.
Whether he knows about it or not, it is primarily your feelings, emotions, desires, experiences. You yourself are focused on this person, mentally next to him, correlate all your actions and aspirations with the opportunity to be near and receive a response from him, live and breathe him. In any case, you are waiting for a meeting, glad to see him, hear him, want to be there, express your emotions to him, talk, touch, to give and feel warmth and tenderness, energy, support and help in everything, you see only the good, knowing at the same time about shortcomings. Love is the feeling that makes a person whole, receptive; suddenly you understand everything differently, everything is given to others semantic meanings you feel life in a new way. Everything is possible, there is always a chance, as long as a person is alive and within reach. And it’s better not to wait until the person guesses (he’s not a psychic?), but to take steps towards him / himself. If you want with all your heart to be with a person - act. In general, what you want in life - hence the goals, and the means, and the people who appear on time who contribute, and the paths that open up (I know on personal experience). And if you want to be with someone - be, if you want attention - get it. Listen to yourself. Live your own life, build it yourself according to your ideas of happiness. Choose the people you like, love them and live for them. You have the right to independently decide with whom to live, to whom to give love, warmth, tenderness, attention, whom to make happy. Beloved people should know how we treat them, we are sure that they are important, respected and always desired. The sooner you make a decision and start moving towards yourself and your happiness, the better. In any case, you will have to go through this experience, find out everything, and the sooner the better. Believe in yourself. Never give up. If you want to achieve your goal - set it, think it over, plan, direct all your efforts towards it, discard extraneous thoughts, systematically do everything possible and impossible. In any case, you will gain invaluable life experience. Develop and use a sense of humor - it helps a lot in all areas of communication, in establishing contacts, defuse the situation, switch to the positive yourself and switch others, laughter really makes us happier (proven by scientists). Give joy, positive emotions and they will definitely return to you. Allow yourself to become happy man. Contact the chat You will not hurt at least one consultation to sort out the accumulated emotions. All the best to you. Don't forget to rate the answers. Good luck.
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