Fedor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky

Crocodile

Extraordinary event, or Passage within Passage

a fair story about how one gentleman, famous years and of known appearance, was swallowed alive by a passage crocodile, all without a trace, and what came of it

Oh Lambert! Où est Lambert? As-tu vu Lambert? 1

1 Hey Lamber! Where is Lambert? Have you seen Lambert? (French)

On this thirteenth of January of the current sixty-fifth year, at half past one in the afternoon, Elena Ivanovna, the wife of Ivan Matveitch, my educated friend, colleague and partly distant relative, wished to see a crocodile shown for a certain fee in the Passage. Having already in his pocket his ticket for traveling abroad (not so much because of illness as out of curiosity) - and, consequently, already considering his service on vacation and, therefore, being completely free that morning, Ivan Matveich not only did not prevent irresistible desire of his wife, but even he himself was inflamed with curiosity. "A wonderful idea," he said with great satisfaction, "let's look at a crocodile! Going to Europe, it's not a bad thing to get to know the natives inhabiting it on the spot," - and with these words, taking his wife by the arm, he immediately went with her to Passage. I, as usual, tagged along with them - in the form of a domestic friend. Never before have I seen Ivan Matveitch in a more pleasant frame of mind than on that memorable morning for me—truly, we do not know our fate in advance! Entering the Passage, he immediately began to admire the splendor of the building, and going up to the shop, in which the monster again brought to the capital was shown, he himself wished to pay a quarter to the crocodile for me, which had never happened to him before. Entering the small room, we noticed that in in addition to the crocodile, there are also parrots from a foreign breed of cockatoo and, moreover, a group of monkeys in a special closet in the recesses. At the very entrance, against the left wall, stood a large tin box in the form of a kind of bath, covered with a strong iron mesh, and at the bottom of it there was an inch of water. In this shallow puddle, a huge crocodile was preserved, lying like a log, completely motionless and, apparently, deprived of all its abilities from our damp and inhospitable climate for foreigners. This monster did not arouse much curiosity in any of us at first. So it's a crocodile! - said Elena Ivanovna in a voice of regret and in a singsong voice, - but I thought he was ... some other one! Most likely, she thought he was a diamond. The German, the owner, the owner of the crocodile, who came out to us, looked at us with an extremely proud look. "He's right," Ivan Matveitch whispered to me, "because he knows that he's the only one in all of Russia now showing a crocodile." I also attribute this completely absurd remark to the excessively complacent mood that took possession of Ivan Matveich, which in other cases is very envious. “It seems to me that your crocodile is not alive,” Elena Ivanovna said again, pissed off by her master’s obstinacy, and turning to him with a graceful smile in order to bow this rude man, a maneuver so characteristic of women. “Oh, no, madam,” he answered in broken Russian, and at once, lifting the grid of the box halfway, began to poke the crocodile in the head with a stick. Then the insidious monster, in order to show its signs of life, slightly moved its paws and tail, raised its snout and emitted something like a prolonged sniff - Well, don't be angry, Carlchen! said the German affectionately, satisfied in his vanity. What a nasty crocodile! I was even frightened, Elena Ivanovna murmured even more coquettishly, - now I will dream of him in a dream. “But he won’t bite you in your sleep, madam,” the German picked up haberdashery and laughed first of all at the wit of his words, but none of us answered him. "Come on, Semyon Semyonitch," continued Elena Ivanovna, turning exclusively to me, "let's have a look at the monkeys." I am terribly fond of monkeys; some of them are so darling ... and the crocodile is terrible. "Oh, don't be afraid, my friend," Ivan Matveitch shouted after us, pleasingly putting on a brave face before his wife. - This sleepy inhabitant of the pharaoh's kingdom will not do anything to us, - and remained at the box. Moreover, taking his glove, he began to tickle the crocodile's nose with it, wanting, as he later admitted, to make him sniff again. The owner followed Elena Ivanovna, as if following a lady, to the cupboard with the monkeys. Thus, everything went perfectly and nothing could be foreseen. Elena Ivanovna, even to the point of playfulness, amused herself with the monkeys and seemed to give herself over to them. She screamed with pleasure, constantly turning to me, as if not wanting to pay any attention to the owner, and laughed at the similarity she noticed of these monkeys with her short acquaintances and friends. I also cheered, for the resemblance was undeniable. The German proprietor did not know whether to laugh or not, and therefore, in the end, he completely frowned. And at that very moment, suddenly, a terrible, I can even say, unnatural scream shook the room. Not knowing what to think, I first froze in place; but, noticing that Elena Ivanovna was already screaming, he quickly turned around and—what did I see! I saw - oh my! - I saw the unfortunate Ivan Matveich in the terrible jaws of a crocodile, intercepted by them across the body, already raised horizontally into the air and desperately dangling his legs in it. Then a moment - and he was gone. But I will describe in detail, because I stood motionless all the time and managed to see the whole process that was happening in front of me with such attention and curiosity that I can’t even remember. "For," I thought at that fateful moment, "what if instead of Ivan Matveitch all this happened to me, what a nuisance it would be to me!" But to the point. The crocodile began by turning poor Ivan Matveitch in his terrible jaws towards him with his feet, and first swallowed the feet themselves; then, belching a little Ivan Matveitch, who was trying to jump out and clinging to the box with his hands, again drew him into himself, already above the waist. Then, burping again, he swallowed again and again. Thus Ivan Matveich apparently disappeared in our eyes. Finally, having swallowed completely, the crocodile absorbed all my educated friend and this time without a trace. On the surface of the crocodile, one could notice how Ivan Matveich with all his forms was passing through his insides. I was about to scream again, when suddenly fate once again wanted to treacherously play a trick on us: the crocodile strained, probably choking on the hugeness of the object he had swallowed, again opened his entire terrible mouth, and from it, in the form of the last belch, suddenly jumped out for one second Ivan Matveitch's head, with a desperate expression on his face, and his glasses instantly fell from his nose to the bottom of the box. It seemed that this desperate head had jumped out just for that, in order to cast one last glance at all objects and mentally say goodbye to all worldly pleasures. But she did not have time in her intention: the crocodile gathered strength again, took a sip - and in an instant she disappeared again, this time for ever. This coming and going is still alive human head it was so terrible, but at the same time - whether from the speed and unexpectedness of the action or as a result of glasses falling off the nose - it contained something so ridiculous that I suddenly and quite unexpectedly snorted; but, realizing that it was indecent for me as a domestic friend to laugh at such a moment, he immediately turned to Elena Ivanovna and said to her with a sympathetic air: “Now kaput our Ivan Matveich!” I can’t even think of expressing to what extent Elena Ivanovna’s excitement was intense during the whole process. At first, after the first cry, she seemed to freeze in place and looked at the mess that seemed to her, apparently indifferently, but with extremely bulging eyes; then suddenly burst into a tearing cry, but I grabbed her by the hands. At that moment, the owner, who at first was also dumbfounded with horror, suddenly threw up his hands and shouted, looking at the sky: “Oh my crocodile, oh mein allerlibster Karlchen! Mutter, mutter, mutter! At this cry, the back door opened and a mutter appeared, in a cap, ruddy, elderly, but disheveled, and with a screech rushed to her German. It was then that the sodom began: Elena Ivanovna shouted out, as if in a frenzy, only one word: "Rip it up! rip it up!" - and rushed to the owner and to the mutter, apparently begging them - probably in self-forgetfulness - to rip someone up for something. The owner and mutter paid no attention to either of us: they both howled like calves near the box. "He's a wretch, he's about to gobble up, because he's swallowed up a Ghanaian official!" shouted the owner. "Unser Karlchen, Unzer Allerlibster Karlchen wird störben!" howled the hostess. - We are orphans and without kleb! the owner picked up. - Rip, Rip, Rip! Yelena Ivanovna roared, clutching at the German's frock coat. - He teased the crocodile - why did your husband tease the crocodile! - shouted the German, fighting back, - you will pay if Karlchen vird lopal, - das var mein zon, das var mein einziger zon! I confess that I was terribly indignant at seeing such selfishness in a visiting German and the dryness of his heart in his disheveled mutter; nevertheless, the incessantly repeated cries of Elena Ivanovna: "Rip it up, rip it up!" - aroused my anxiety even more and finally carried away all my attention, so that I was even frightened ... I will say in advance - these strange exclamations were completely misunderstood by me: it seemed to me that Elena Ivanovna had lost her mind for a moment, but nevertheless , wishing to commemorate the death of Ivan Matveich, dear to her, offered, in the form of satisfaction to her, to punish the crocodile with rods. But meanwhile, she understood something completely different. Glancing at the door, not without embarrassment, I began to beg Elena Ivanovna to calm down and, most importantly, not to use the delicate word "to rip open." For such a retrograde desire here, in the very heart of the Passage and educated society, a stone's throw from the very hall where, perhaps at that very moment, Mr. Lavrov was giving a public lecture, was not only impossible, but even unthinkable, and from a minute for a moment could attract the whistles of education and the caricatures of Mr. Stepanov to us. To my horror, I immediately turned out to be right in my timid suspicions: suddenly the curtain separated the crocodile room from the entrance closet, in which the quarters were collected, and a figure with a mustache, a beard and a cap in his hands, very strongly bending his upper body forward and very prudently trying to keep her feet outside the threshold of the crocodile, in order to reserve the right not to pay for the entrance. “Such a retrograde desire, madam,” said the stranger, trying not to roll over somehow to us and stand outside the threshold, “does not honor your development and is due to a lack of phosphorus in your brains. You will immediately be booed in the chronicle of progress and in our satirical sheets ... But he did not finish: the recollected owner, seeing with horror a man talking in a crocodile and not paying anything for it, rushed furiously at the progressive stranger and with both fists pushed him into neck. For a moment both disappeared from our eyes behind a curtain, and only then did I finally guess that the whole mess had come out of nothing; Elena Ivanovna turned out to be completely innocent: she did not at all think, as I already noted above, of subjecting the crocodile to a retrograde and humiliating punishment with rods, but simply wished that they would only cut open his belly with a knife and thus free Ivan Matveich from his insides. -- How! wi hatit my crocodile perish! - yelled the owner, who ran in again, - no, let your husband first go to hell, and then the crocodile! .. Maine Vater showed the crocodile, Maine Grosvater showed the crocodile, Mainezone will show the crocodile, and I will show the crocodile! Everyone will show the crocodile! I am a gantz Europe is known, but you are unknown gantz Europe and I pay a fine. - I, I! - the vicious German woman picked up, - don't let you in, fine, when Carlchen ate! “Besides, it’s useless to open up,” I added calmly, wishing to distract Elena Ivanovna home as soon as possible, “for our dear Ivan Matveich, in all likelihood, is floating, now somewhere in the empyrean. “My friend,” Ivan Matveitch’s voice sounded at that moment completely, unexpectedly, astonishing us to the extreme, “my friend, my opinion is to act directly through the overseer’s office, for a German without the help of the police will not understand the truth. These words, spoken firmly, with weight and expressing an extraordinary presence of mind, at first amazed us so much that we all refused to believe our ears. But, of course, they immediately ran up to the crocodile box and listened to the unfortunate prisoner with as much reverence as distrust. His voice was muffled, thin and even loud, as if coming from a considerable distance from us. It was like when some joker, going into another room and covering his mouth with an ordinary sleeping pillow, begins to shout, wanting to imagine to the audience remaining in the other room how two peasants call to each other in the desert or being separated from each other by a deep ravine - that I had the pleasure of hearing once from my acquaintances at Christmas time. "Ivan Matveitch, my friend, so you're alive!" murmured Elena Ivanovna. “Alive and well,” answered Ivan Matveitch, “and, thanks to the Almighty, swallowed without any damage. I worry only about how the authorities will look at this episode; for, having received a ticket abroad, he fell into a crocodile, which is not even witty ... - But, my friend, do not worry about wit; First of all, we need to get you out of here somehow,” interrupted Elena Ivanovna. - Pick! - cried the owner, - I will not let the crocodile pick. Now the public will have a lot more time to go, and I'll ask for fufzig kopecks, and Karlchen will stop lapping. "Got zey dunk!" said the hostess. “They are right,” Ivan Matveich remarked calmly, “the economic principle comes first. “My friend,” I cried, “I’m flying to the authorities right away and I’ll complain, because I have a presentiment that we won’t be able to cook this porridge alone. “And I think the same thing,” Ivan Matveich remarked, “but without an economic reward it is difficult in our age of a commercial crisis to rip open a crocodile’s belly for nothing, and meanwhile the inevitable question arises: what will the owner take for his crocodile? and with him another: who will pay? for, you know, I have no means... - Unless on account of a salary, - I remarked timidly, but the owner immediately interrupted me: - I don't sell a crocodile, I sell a crocodile for three thousand, I sell a crocodile for four thousand! Now the public will have a lot of walking. I sell five thousand crocodile! In a word, he swaggered unbearably; covetousness and vile greed shone joyfully in his eyes. - I'm going! I shouted indignantly. -- And I! and me too! I will go to Andrey Osipych himself, I will soften him with my tears,” Elena Ivanovna whined. “Don’t do that, my friend,” Ivan Matveitch hastily interrupted her, for he had long been jealous of his wife for Andrey Osipich and knew that she was glad to go and cry in front of an educated person, because tears came to her very much. “Yes, and I don’t advise you, my friend,” he continued, turning to me, “there’s nothing to go straight from the floundering bay; what else will come of it. And you better come by today, so, in the form of a private visit, to Timofey Semyonitch. He is an old-fashioned and narrow-minded man, but solid and, most importantly, direct. Bow to him from me and describe the circumstances of the case. Since I owe him seven rubles for the last mess, give them to him at this opportunity: this will soften the stern old man. In any case, his advice can serve as a guide for us. Now take Elena Ivanovna away for now... Calm down, my friend," he continued to her, "I'm tired of all these cries and women's squabbles and I want to sleep a little. It's warm and soft here, although I haven't had time to look around in this shelter, unexpected for me... - Look around! Is it light for you? cried Elena Ivanovna, delighted. “A deep night surrounds me,” answered the poor prisoner, “but I can feel and, so to speak, look around with my hands ... Farewell, be calm and do not deny yourself entertainment. Till tomorrow! You, Semyon Semyonitch, visit me in the evening, and since you are absent-minded and can forget, then tie a knot ... I confess that I was glad to leave, because I was too tired, and partly bored. Hastily taking by the arm the despondent, but prettier with excitement, Elena Ivanovna, I quickly led her out of the crocodile room. - In the evening for the entrance again a quarter! the owner called after us. “Oh God, how greedy they are!” said Elena Ivanovna, looking into every mirror in the Passage's piers, and evidently realizing that she had grown prettier. -- Economic principle- I answered with slight excitement and proud of my lady in front of passers-by. “The economic principle...” she drawled in a sympathetic voice, “I didn’t understand anything that Ivan Matveitch was just saying about this nasty economic principle. “I will explain to you,” I answered, and immediately began to talk about the beneficial results of attracting foreign capital to our fatherland, which I had read about in the morning in Peterburgskie Izvestia and in Volos. -- How strange it all is! she interrupted, after listening for a while, “come on, you nasty one; what nonsense are you talking about ... Tell me, am I very red? - You are beautiful, not red! I remarked, taking the opportunity to compliment him. - Scamp! she murmured smugly. “Poor Ivan Matveitch,” she added after a minute, coquettishly bowing her head on her shoulder, “I really feel sorry for him, oh my God! she suddenly exclaimed. “An unforeseen question,” I answered, also puzzled. In truth, it never occurred to me, women are so much more practical than us men in solving everyday problems! "Poor thing, how did he get so into it... and no entertainment and it's dark... how annoying that I didn't have his photographic card left... So, I'm kind of a widow now," she added with a seductive smile, obviously interested in his new position—hm... I still feel sorry for him!.. In a word, the young and interesting wife about her dead husband. I brought her home at last, reassured her, and, having dined with her, after a cup of fragrant coffee, went to Timofey Semyonitch's at six o'clock, reckoning that at that hour all family people of certain occupations were sitting or lying at home. Having written this first chapter in a style appropriate to the event narrated, I intend to continue using the style, although not so exalted, but more natural, about which I inform the reader in advance.

The venerable Timofey Semyonitch met me somehow hastily and seemed to be a little confused. He led me into his cramped office and tightly closed the door: "So that the children do not interfere," he said with visible anxiety. Then he seated me on a chair at the desk, sat down himself in an armchair, wrapped the hems of his old wadded dressing gown and, just in case, assumed some official, even almost stern air, although he was not at all my or Ivan Matveich's boss, but was still considered an ordinary colleague and even acquaintances. “First of all,” he began, “take into account that I am not the boss, but just the same subordinate person, just like you, like Ivan Matveich ... I’m on the side, sir, and I don’t intend to get involved in anything.” . I was surprised that he seemed to already know all this. Despite having told him again the whole story in detail. I even spoke with emotion, for at that moment I was fulfilling the duty of a true friend. He listened without much surprise, but with clear sign suspicion. “Imagine,” he said, after listening, “I always thought that this would certainly happen to him. - Why, sir, Timofey Semyonitch, the case itself is very unusual, sir ... - I agree. But Ivan Matveitch, during the whole course of his service, tended towards such a result. Quick, sir, arrogant even. All "progress" yes different ideas from, but where progress leads! “But this is the most unusual case, and general rule for all Progressives it cannot possibly be put... This, you see, comes from excessive education, believe me, sir. For overly educated people climb into any place, sir, and mainly where they are not asked at all. However, perhaps you know more,” he added, as if offended. “I am not so educated and old; I started with the children of soldiers, and my fiftieth anniversary of this year has begun in my service, sir. “Oh no, Timofey Semyonitch, have mercy. On the contrary, Ivan Matveitch is thirsty for your advice, he is thirsty for your guidance. Even, so to speak, with tears, sir. "So to speak, with tears, sir." Um. Well, those are crocodile tears, and you can't quite trust them. Well, why, tell me, pulled him abroad? And for what money? He doesn't have any money, does he? “On the accumulated money, Timofei Semyonitch, from the last awards,” I answered plaintively. - Just for three months I wanted to go - to Switzerland ... to the homeland of William Tell. - William Tell? Hm! "I wanted to meet spring in Naples, sir." Inspect the museum, customs, animals ... - Hm! animals? And I think it's just out of pride. What animals? Animals? Don't we have enough animals? There are menageries, museums, camels. Bears live near Petersburg. Yes, he himself has sat down in a crocodile ... - Timofey Semyonitch, have mercy, a man in misfortune, a man resorts to as to a friend, as to an older relative, he craves advice, and you reproach ... At least have pity on the unfortunate Elena Ivanovna! - Are you talking about your wife? An interesting lady," said Timofey Semyonitch, evidently softening up and taking a sniff of tobacco with relish. - A slender person. And how full, and the head is all so on the side, on the side ... very pleasant, sir. Andrey Osipych mentioned it as early as the third day. - Did you mention it? “I did, sir, and in very flattering terms. Bust, says, look, hairstyle ... Candy, says, not a lady, and they immediately laughed. They are still young people. Timofei Semyonitch blew his nose with a crack. "But meanwhile, here's a young man, and what a career they make for themselves, sir..." - Of course, of course, sir. “So how is it, Timofey Semyonitch?” “Yes, what can I do?” - Advise, sir, guide, like an experienced person, like a relative! What to do? Should I follow the authorities or ... - According to the authorities? By no means, sir," said Timofey Semyonitch hurriedly. - If you want advice, then first of all you need to hush up this matter and act, so to speak, in the form of a private person. The case is suspicious, sir, and unprecedented. The main thing, unprecedented, there was no example, sir, and badly recommending. .. Therefore, first of all, caution ... Let him lie there for himself. We must wait, wait ... "But how can we wait, Timofey Semyonitch?" So what if he suffocates in there? - Yes, why, sir? Didn't you seem to say that he even settled himself in contented comfort? I told everything again. Timofey Semyonitch thought for a moment. -- Hm! he said, fiddling with the snuff-box in his hands, “in my opinion, it’s even good that he’ll lie down there for a while, instead of abroad, sir.” Let him think at his leisure; of course, there is no need to suffocate, and therefore it is necessary to take appropriate measures to maintain health: well, there, beware of coughing and other things ... As for the German, then, in my personal opinion, he is in his right, and even more than the other side, because in his crocodile climbed in without permission, not He climbed without permission into the crocodile Ivan Matveichev, who, however, as far as I remember, did not have his own crocodile. Well, sir, and the crocodile is property, therefore, without remuneration it is impossible to cut it up, sir. “For the salvation of mankind, Timofei Semyonitch. “Well, it’s up to the police, sir. That's where you should go. “Why, Ivan Matveich may be needed here, too. It may be required. "Do you need Ivan Matveitch?" hehe! Besides, after all, he is considered on vacation, therefore, we can ignore it, and let him inspect European lands there. It's another matter if he doesn't show up after the deadline, well, then we'll ask, we'll make inquiries... - Three months! Timofei Semyonitch, have mercy! - It's my fault, sir. Well, who put it there? Somehow, perhaps, he will have to hire a state nanny, sir, and this is not supposed to be done by the state. And most importantly - the crocodile is property, therefore, there is already the so-called economic principle in action. And first of all, the economic principle, sir. As early as the third day at Luka Andreevich's party, Ignatius Prokofich said, Do you know Ignatii Prokofich? A capitalist, in business, sir, and you know, fluently says this: “We need industry, we have little industry. We need to give birth to it. We need to give birth to capital, which means the middle class, the so-called we need capital, which means we need to attract them from abroad. We must, firstly, set in motion foreign companies to buy up plots of our lands, as is now approved everywhere abroad. Communal property is poison, they say, death! "You know, he talks like that with ardor; well, it's fitting for them: capital people... and even non-employees." the land piecemeal, and then split, split, split as much as possible into small plots, and you know, he resolutely says this: to cut, he says, and then sell for personal property. And not to sell, but simply to rent. When, he says, all the land will be in the hands of attracted foreign companies, then, therefore, you can set any price for rent. Consequently, the muzhik will already work three times, from one daily bread, and he can be driven out at any time. This means that he will feel, be submissive, diligent, and work out three times for the same price. And now in the community what is he! He knows that he will not die of hunger, well, he is lazy and drinks. Meanwhile, money will be attracted to us, and capital will be brought in, and the bourgeoisie will go. Look, the English political and literary newspaper The Times, analyzing our finances, commented the other day that our finances are not growing because we don’t have a middle class, we don’t have big purses, there are no obliging proletarians ... "Ignaty Prokofiich says well. Orator "Sir. He himself wants to submit a review to his superiors and then publish it in Izvestia. These are not poems, like Ivan Matveich ... "So what about Ivan Matveich?" sometimes to chat and show that he, too, has not fallen behind and knows all this. "Ivan Matveich, how-so? So I'm getting at that, sir. We ourselves are busy with attracting foreign capital to the fatherland, but here Judge: as soon as the capital of the attracted crocodile doubled through Ivan Matveich, and we, in order to patronize the foreign owner, on the contrary, try to rip open the belly of the fixed capital itself. I should still rejoice and be proud of the fact that by myself I doubled the value of a foreign crocodile, and perhaps even tripled it. This is necessary to attract, sir. If one succeeds, you look, and another will come with a crocodile, and the third will bring two or three at once, and capitals are grouped around them. That's the bourgeoisie. Should be encouraged. "Have mercy, Timofei Semyonitch!" I cried, “you demand an almost unnatural self-sacrifice from poor Ivan Matveitch! “I don’t demand anything, sir, and first of all I ask you – as I asked you before – to consider that I am not the authorities and, therefore, I can’t demand anything from anyone. I speak as a son of the fatherland, that is, I speak not as a "Son of the fatherland", but simply as a son of the fatherland I speak. Again, who told him to get into the crocodile? A respectable man, a man of a well-known rank, legally married, and suddenly - such a step! Is it appropriate? “But this step happened by accident, sir. -- Who knows? And besides, from what amounts to pay the crocodile, tell me? "Is it on account of a salary, Timofei Semyonitch?" - Will it get it? "Not enough, Timofey Semyonitch," I replied sadly. - At first the crocodile was afraid that the crocodile would burst, and then, as he was convinced that everything was all right, he put on airs and was glad that he could double the price. - Triple, quadruple! The public will now rush in, and the crocodiles are a clever people. Moreover, he is also a meat-eater, he has a penchant for amusements, and therefore, I repeat, first of all, let Ivan Matveitch observe incognito, let him not be in a hurry. Let everyone, perhaps, know that he is in a crocodile, but they do not know officially. In this respect, Ivan Matveich is even in particularly favorable circumstances, because he is listed abroad. They'll say it's in a crocodile, but we won't believe it. It can be summed up like this. The main thing - let him wait, and where should he rush? - Well, and if ... - Don't worry, the addition of a dense, sir ... - Well, then, when will he wait? “Well, sir, I won’t hide from you that the case is extremely casus. It’s impossible to figure it out, sir, and, most importantly, it hurts that there hasn’t been an example of this until now. If we had an example, we could still be guided somehow. And then how do you decide? You begin to think, and the matter will be delayed. A happy thought flashed through my head. “Couldn’t it be arranged like this,” I said, “that if he is destined to remain in the depths of the monster and, by the will of providence, his stomach is preserved, is it possible to apply to him to be listed in the service? - Hm ... perhaps in the form of a vacation and without a salary ... - No, sir, is it possible with a salary, sir? - On what basis? - In the form of a business trip ... - What and where? - Yes, in the bowels of the bowels, the bowels of the crocodile ... So to speak, for information, for studying the facts on the spot. Of course, this will be new, but it's progressive, and at the same time it will show concern for enlightenment, sir... Timofey Semyonitch thought for a moment. “To send a special official,” he said at last, “to the bowels of a crocodile for special assignments, in my personal opinion, is ridiculous, sir. Not allowed by the state. And what kind of assignments can there be? “Yes, for a natural, so to speak, study of nature on the spot, live, sir. All gone now natural sciences, botany ... He would live there and report, sir ... well, there about digestion or just about morals. For the accumulation of facts, s. - That is, it is in terms of statistics. Well, I'm not strong in this, and I'm not a philosopher either. You say: facts - we are already inundated with facts and do not know what to do with them. Moreover, this statistic is dangerous... - Dangerous. And besides, you see, he will report the facts, so to speak, lying on his side. Is it possible to serve lying on your side? This is again an innovation, and a dangerous one at that; and again, there was no such example. Now, if we had at least some example, then, in my opinion, perhaps, we could send them on a business trip. “But they haven’t brought living crocodiles up to now, Timofei Semyonitch. “Um, yes…” he thought again. - If you like, this objection of yours is just and could even serve as a basis for further proceedings. But again, take the fact that if, with the appearance of live crocodiles, employees begin to disappear and then, on the basis of the fact that it is warm and soft there, they will demand business trips there, and then lie on their side ... agree yourself - a bad example, sir. After all, like that, perhaps, everyone will climb there for nothing to take money. "Be happy, Timofei Semyonitch!" By the way, sir: Ivan Matveitch asked me to give you a card debt, seven rubles, in a jumble, sir. I remember, sir. And how cheerful he was then, how he made me laugh, and now!.. The old man was sincerely touched. - Please, Timofey Semyonitch. - I'll take care of it. I will speak on my own behalf, privately, in the form of a certificate. And yet, find out in this way, unofficially, from the outside, what price would the owner agree to take for his crocodile? Timofey Semyonitch has apparently improved. “Certainly, sir,” I replied, “and I will report to you at once. - Wife something ... one now? Bored? "You should visit, Timofey Semyonitch." “I’ll visit, sir, I thought about it just now, and the opportunity is convenient ... And why, why did it bother him to look at a crocodile!” However, I would like to see it myself. “Go visit the poor man, Timofey Semyonitch. - I'll let you know. Of course, I don't want to give hope with this step. I'll be arriving as a private person... Well, goodbye, I'm back to Nikifor Nikiforitch's; will you? "No, sir, I'm with the prisoner." - Yes, sir, now to the prisoner! .. Eh, frivolity! I said goodbye to the old man. Various thoughts went through my head. kind and honest man Timofei Semyonitch, but as I left him I was glad that he was already 50 years old and that Timofei Semyonitch was now a rarity among us. Of course, I immediately flew to the Passage to inform poor Ivan Matveitch about everything. Yes, and curiosity dismantled me: how did he get settled in a crocodile and how is it possible to live in a crocodile? And can you really live in a crocodile? At times, really, it seemed to me that all this was some kind of monstrous dream, especially since it was all about a monster ...

And yet, it was not a dream, but a real, undoubted reality. Otherwise, would I even begin to tell! But I continue ... I got into the Passage already late, about nine o'clock, and I was forced to enter the crocodile with reversing, because the German closed the store this time earlier than usual. He was walking around at home in some kind of greasy old frock coat, but he himself was three times more pleased than he had been this morning. It was evident that he was no longer afraid of anything and that "the publicum walked a lot." Mutter came out later, apparently to keep an eye on me. The German and Mutter often whispered. Even though the shop was already closed, he still charged me a quarter. And what an unnecessary precision! - You will pay each time; the public will be paid a ruble, and one quarter, for you are good friends of yours, good friends, and I respect others ... - Is my educated friend alive, is he alive! I cried loudly, going up to the crocodile and hoping that my words would still reach Ivan Matveitch from afar and flatter his vanity. “Alive and well,” he answered, as if from afar, or as if from under the bed, although I was standing beside him, “alive and well, but more on that later ... How are you?” As if deliberately not hearing the question, I started with participation and haste to ask him myself: how is he, what is he and what is like in a crocodile, and what is inside a crocodile in general? This was required both by friendship and ordinary courtesy. But he capriciously and angrily interrupted me. -- How are you? he shouted, commanding me as usual, in his shrill voice, this time exceedingly disgusting. I recounted my entire conversation with Timofey Semyonitch to the last detail. In speaking, I tried to show a slightly offended tone. "The old man is right," Ivan Matveitch decided as sharply as he always did in conversations with me. “I love practical people and I can’t stand sweet mumbles. I am ready, however, to confess that your idea of ​​a business trip is not entirely absurd. Indeed, I can tell a lot both in scientific and in moral attitude. But now it all takes on a new and unexpected aspect, and it is not worth bothering with just a salary. Listen carefully. You are sitting? - No, I'm standing. “Sit down on something, well, at least on the floor, and listen carefully. Angrily, I took a chair and in my hearts, setting it up, knocked it on the floor. “Listen,” he began imperiously, “a whole abyss of people came tonight. By evening there was not enough room, and the police came to order. At eight o'clock, that is, earlier than usual, the owner even found it necessary to lock up the store and stop the show in order to count the money raised and make it more convenient to prepare for tomorrow. I know that tomorrow there will be a whole fair. Thus, it must be assumed that all the most educated people of the capital, ladies high society, foreign envoys, lawyers and others stay here. Not only that: they will come from the many-sided provinces of our vast and curious empire. As a result, I am in front of everyone, and although hidden, I excel. I will teach the idle crowd. Taught by experience, I will present myself as an example of greatness and humility before fate! I will be, so to speak, a pulpit from which I will begin to instruct mankind. Even the natural scientific information that I can communicate about the monster I inhabit is precious, And therefore, not only do I not complain about the recent event, but I firmly hope for the most brilliant of careers. - Wouldn't it be boring? I remarked venomously. What pissed me off the most was that he almost completely stopped using personal pronouns - he was so arrogant. However, it all baffled me. “Why, why is this frivolous head swaggering!” I gnashed in a whisper to myself. “Here we should cry, not swagger.” -- No! - he answered sharply to my remark, - for everyone is imbued with great ideas, only now I can dream at my leisure about improving the fate of all mankind. Truth and light will now come out of the crocodile. Undoubtedly I will invent my own new theory of new economic relations and I will be proud of it - which I could not hitherto due to lack of time at work and in the vulgar entertainments of the world. I will refute everything and I will be a new Fourier. By the way, did you give seven rubles to Timofey Semyonitch? “From my own,” I replied, trying to express in my voice that I paid from my own. "Let's settle," he answered arrogantly. - I'm definitely waiting for an increase in salary, because who should increase it, if not me? The benefit to me is now endless. But to the point. Wife? “You are probably asking about Elena Ivanovna?” - Wife? he shouted, even with a sort of squeal this time. There was nothing to do! Humbly, but again gnashing my teeth, I told how I had left Elena Ivanovna. He didn't even listen. -- I have on her special types he began impatiently, "if I am famous Here, I want her to be famous there. Scientists, poets, philosophers, visiting mineralogists, statesmen, after a morning conversation with me, will visit her salon in the evenings. From next week, her salons should begin every evening. A double salary will provide funds for the reception, and since the reception should be limited to one tea and hired lackeys, then that's the end of the matter. And here and there they will talk about me. For a long time I have longed for an opportunity for everyone to talk about me, but I could not achieve it, constrained by low significance and insufficient rank. Now all this has been achieved with some most ordinary crocodile gulp. Every word of mine will be listened to, every saying will be pondered, transmitted, printed. And I'll ask myself to know! They will finally understand what abilities were allowed to disappear in the depths of the monster. "This person could be foreign minister and govern a kingdom,” some will say. “And this man did not rule a foreign kingdom,” others will say. Well, why am I worse than some Garnier-Pagesischka or whatever? .. My wife should make me a pandan - I have a mind, she has beauty and courtesy. "She is beautiful, therefore his wife," some will say. "She is beautiful, because his wife, correct others. Just in case, let Elena Ivanovna buy tomorrow encyclopedic Dictionary, published under the editorship of Andrei Kraevsky, in order to be able to speak about all subjects. Most often, let him read the premier politician of St. Petersburg News, checking daily with Volos. I believe that the owner will sometimes agree to bring me, along with the crocodile, to my wife's brilliant salon. I'll be standing in a box in the middle of a splendid living room and spouting the witticisms I've picked up since morning. I will inform the statesman of my projects; with the poet I will speak in rhyme; I will be amusing and morally sweet with the ladies, as it is completely safe for their spouses. To all the rest I will serve as an example of obedience to fate and the will of providence. I will make my wife brilliant literary lady; I will bring it forward and explain it to the public; as my wife, she must be full of the greatest virtues, and if they rightly call Andrei Alexandrovich our Russian Alfred de Musset, then it will be even more just when they call her our Russian Evgenia Tur. I confess that although all this game was somewhat like the usual Ivan Matveitch, it nevertheless occurred to me that he was now in a fever and delirious. It was still the same ordinary and daily Ivan Matveich, but observed through a glass magnifying it twenty times. “My friend,” I asked him, “do you hope for longevity? And in general, tell me: are you healthy? How do you eat, how do you sleep, how do you breathe? I am your friend, and you must admit that the case is too supernatural, and therefore my curiosity is too natural. “Idle curiosity and nothing else,” he answered sententiously, “but you will be satisfied. You ask how I settled in the depths of the monster? First, the crocodile, to my surprise, was completely empty. Its interior consists, as it were, of a huge empty bag , made of gum, like those rubber products that are common with us in Gorokhovaya, in Morskaya and, if I am not mistaken, on Voznesensky Prospekt. Otherwise, think, could I fit in it? -- Is it possible to? I exclaimed in understandable astonishment. "Is the crocodile completely empty?" "Absolutely," Ivan Matveitch confirmed sternly and impressively. - And, in all likelihood, it is arranged so according to the laws of nature itself. The crocodile has only a mouth equipped with sharp teeth, and in addition to the mouth - a significantly long tail - that's all, for real. In the middle, between these two extremities, there is an empty space surrounded by something like rubber, most likely really rubber. “And the ribs, and the stomach, and the intestines, and the liver, and the heart?” I interrupted even angrily. “N-nothing, absolutely nothing, and probably never happened. All this is an idle fantasy of frivolous travelers. Just as they inflate a hemorrhoidal pillow, so I now inflate a crocodile with myself. It stretches unbelievably. Even you, as a domestic friend, could fit next to me if you had generosity - and even with you there would still be room. I even think of sending Elena Ivanovna here as a last resort. However, such an empty device of a crocodile is completely consistent with the natural sciences. For, suppose, for example, you are given the opportunity to arrange a new crocodile - naturally, the question presents itself to you: what is the main property of a crocodile? The answer is clear: swallow people. How to achieve a crocodile with a device so that it swallows people? The answer is even clearer: by making it empty. It has long been decided by physics that nature does not tolerate emptiness. Similarly, the inside of a crocodile must be exactly empty, so as not to endure emptiness, and, consequently, to continuously swallow and be filled with everything that is at hand. And that's the only reasonable reason why all the crocodiles swallow our brother. Not so in the human device: the emptier, for example, the human head, the less it feels the thirst to be filled, and this is the only exception to the general rule. All this is clear to me now, like daylight, I comprehended all this with my own mind and experience, being, so to speak, in the bowels of nature, in her retort, listening to her pulse. Even the etymology agrees with me, for the very name crocodile means gluttony. Crocodile, Crocodillo, is a word, obviously Italian, modern, perhaps, to the ancient Egyptian pharaohs and, obviously, derived from the French root: croquer, which means to eat, eat and generally eat. All this I intend to read in the form of a first lecture to the public gathered in Elena Ivanovna's salon, when they bring me there in a box. “My friend, why don’t you just take a laxative now!” I cried involuntarily. "He's got a fever, a fever, he's hot!" I repeated to myself in horror. -- Nonsense! he replied contemptuously; However, I kind of knew that you would talk about laxatives. "My friend, how... how do you eat food now?" Did you have lunch today or not? - No, but I am full and, most likely, now I will never eat food again. And this is also completely understandable: filling the entire inside of the crocodile with myself, I make him forever full. Now you can not feed him for several years. On the other hand, having been fed up with me, he will naturally communicate to me all the vital juices from his body; it's like how some sophisticated coquettes cover themselves and all their forms with raw meatballs at night and then, after taking a morning bath, they become fresh, elastic, juicy and seductive. Thus, feeding the crocodile with myself, I, in return, receive nourishment from it; therefore, we mutually feed each other. But since it is difficult, even for a crocodile, to digest a man like me, then, of course, at the same time he must feel a certain heaviness in his stomach - which, however, he does not have - and that's why, in order not to deliver excessive pain to the monster, I rarely toss and turn from side to side; and even though I could toss and turn, I do not do this out of humanity. This is the only drawback of my present position, and in an allegorical sense, Timofey Semyonitch is justified in calling me a couch potato. But I will prove that even lying on your side, - moreover, - that only lying on your side can you turn the fate of mankind. All the great ideas and trends of our newspapers and magazines are obviously produced by couch potatoes; that's why they call them armchair ideas, but don't give a damn that they call them that! I will invent now a whole social system and - you won't believe - how easy it is! One has only to retire somewhere far away in a corner or at least get into a crocodile, close your eyes, and you will immediately invent a whole paradise for all mankind. The moment you left, I immediately set about inventing and have already invented three systems, now I am making a fourth. True, at first it is necessary to refute everything; but from a crocodile it is so easy to refute; moreover, from the crocodile it seems as if all this becomes more visible ... However, in my position there are still shortcomings, albeit minor ones: the inside of the crocodile is somewhat damp and seems to be covered with mucus; -exactly like from my last year's galoshes. That's it, no more flaws. “Ivan Matveitch,” I interrupted, “all these are miracles, which I can hardly believe. And don't you, don't you intend to have dinner for the rest of your life? “What nonsense are you worrying about, you careless, idle head!” I'm telling you about great ideas, and you... Know that I'm already fed up with some great ideas that lit up the night that surrounded me. However, the good-natured owner of the monster, having agreed with the kindest mutter, decided just now among themselves that they would put a curved metal tube into the crocodile’s mouth every morning, like a pipe, through which I could draw coffee or broth with white bread soaked in it. The pipe has already been ordered in the neighborhood; but I think that this is an unnecessary luxury. I hope to live at least a thousand years, if it is true that crocodiles live for so many years, which, fortunately, I reminded you, do it tomorrow in some natural history and let me know, for I might be mistaken in mixing the crocodile with some other fossil. Only one consideration confuses me a little: since I am dressed in cloth, and I have boots on my feet, the crocodile, obviously, cannot digest me. Moreover, I am alive and therefore resist digesting me with all my will, for it is clear that I do not want to turn into what all food turns into, since this would be too humiliating for me. But I am afraid of one thing: in a thousand years, the cloth of my coat, unfortunately a Russian product, may decay, and then, left without clothes, in spite of all my indignation, I will perhaps begin to digest; and even though during the day I will never allow this and will not allow it, but at night, in a dream, when the will flies away from a person, the most humiliating fate of some potato, pancakes or veal can befall me. This idea infuriates me. For this reason alone, it would be necessary to change the tariff and encourage the import of English cloth, which is stronger and, consequently, will resist nature longer if you get into a crocodile. On the first occasion, I will convey my thought to any of the people of the state, and at the same time to the political observers of our daily Petersburg newspapers. Let them scream. I hope that this is not the only thing they will now borrow from me. I foresee that every morning a whole crowd of them, armed with editorial quarters, will crowd around me to catch my thoughts about yesterday's telegrams. In short, the future appears to me in the most rosy light. "Fever, fever!" I whispered to myself. "My friend, what about freedom?" I said, wanting to fully know his opinion. “After all, you are, so to speak, in a dungeon, while a person should enjoy freedom. “You are stupid,” he replied. - Wild people love independence, wise people love order, but there is no order ... - Ivan Matveich, have mercy and have mercy! - Shut up and listen! he squealed, annoyed that I interrupted him. “I have never soared in spirit as I do now. In my cramped refuge I am afraid of one thing - literary criticism of thick magazines and the whistle of our satirical newspapers. I am afraid that frivolous visitors, fools and envious people, and nihilists in general, will not ridicule me. But I will take action. I look forward to tomorrow's public opinion, and most importantly - the opinion of the newspapers. Report the newspapers tomorrow. “All right, tomorrow I’ll bring a whole pile of newspapers here. “Tomorrow it is too early to wait for newspaper reviews, because the ads are printed only on the fourth day. But from now on, every evening come through the inner passage from the yard. I intend to use you as my secretary. You will read newspapers and magazines to me, and I will dictate my thoughts to you and give you instructions. Especially don't forget telegrams. Every day so that all European telegrams are here. But enough; you probably want to sleep now. Go home and don't think about what I just said about criticism: I'm not afraid of her, for she herself is in a critical situation. One has only to be wise and virtuous, and you will certainly stand on a pedestal. If not Socrates, then Diogenes, or both together, and this is my future role in humanity. So frivolously and obsessively (albeit in a fever) Ivan Matveich hurried to speak out to me, like those weak-willed women about whom the proverb says that they cannot keep a secret. And everything that he told me about the crocodile seemed to me very suspicious. Well, how can a crocodile be completely empty? I bet that he boasted in this out of vanity and partly to humiliate me. True, he was sick, and the sick must be respected; but, I confess frankly, I have always hated Ivan Matveitch. All my life, starting from childhood, I wanted and could not get rid of his guardianship. A thousand times I wanted to completely spit with him, and each time I was again drawn to him, as if I still hoped to prove something to him and to mark him for something. This friendship is strange! I can positively say that I was nine-tenths friendly with him out of spite. This time we parted, however, with feeling. “Your friend is a very clever man,” the German said to me in an undertone, about to see me off; he listened diligently to our conversation all the time. - A propos, 1 - I said, - not to forget, - how much would you charge for your crocodile, in case you decide to buy it from you? 1 By the way (French). Ivan Matveitch, who heard the question, waited with curiosity for an answer. It was evident that he did not want the German to take little; at least he somehow especially grunted at my question. At first the German did not want to listen, he even got angry. “No one dares to buy my own crocodile!” he cried furiously and blushed like a boiled crayfish. - I don't want to sell a crocodile. I won't take a million thaler for a crocodile. Today I took one hundred and thirty thalers from the public, and tomorrow I collected ten thousand thalers, and then I collected a hundred thousand thalers every day. I don't want a salesperson! Ivan Matveitch even giggled with pleasure. Reluctantly, coolly and judiciously, for I was fulfilling the duty of a true friend, I hinted to the extravagant German that his calculations were not entirely correct, that if he collected a hundred thousand every day, then in four days all of Petersburg would be with him and then there will be no one to collect from anyone, that God is free in the stomach and death, that the crocodile can somehow burst, and Ivan Matveich can fall ill and die, and so on and so forth. The German thought. “I’ll give him drops from the drugstore,” he said, thoughtfully, “and your friend won’t die.” “Drops and drops,” I said, “but take into account the fact that a lawsuit may be started. The wife of Ivan Matveich may demand her lawful spouse. You now intend to grow rich, but do you intend to assign at least some kind of pension to Elena Ivanovna? - No, not mereval! the German answered decisively and sternly. "No, don't be mereval!" - picked up, even with malice, Mutter. “So, isn’t it better for you to take something now, at once, though moderate, but true and solid, than to indulge in obscurity?” I consider it my duty to add that I am not asking you out of idle curiosity alone. The German took Mutter and withdrew with her for conferences to a corner where stood a closet with the largest and ugliest monkey in the entire collection. -- You will see! Ivan Matveitch said to me. As for me, at that moment I was burning with desire, firstly, to beat the German painfully, secondly, to beat the mutter even more, and thirdly, to beat Ivan Matveich more and more painfully for the boundlessness of his pride. But all this meant nothing in comparison with the answer of the greedy German. After consulting with his mutter, he demanded for his crocodile fifty thousand rubles in tickets of the last internal loan with a lottery, a stone house in Gorokhovaya and with it his own pharmacy, and, in addition, the rank of a Russian colonel. -- You see! shouted Ivan Matveitch triumphantly, “I told you! Except for the last mad desire to be promoted to colonel, he is absolutely right, for he fully understands the present value of the monster he is showing. Economic principle first of all! -- Have mercy! - I shouted furiously to the German, - but what do you need a colonel for? What feat did you accomplish, what service did you deserve, what military glory did you achieve? Well, aren't you crazy after that? -- Crazy! cried the German, offended, “no, I am a very clever man, and the cherry is a fool!” I deserved the colonel, because I showed a crocodile, and in it a living corrugated sidil, but a Russian cannot show a crocodile, and in it a living corrugated sidil! I am an extremely smart man and I really want to be a colonel! "So goodbye, Ivan Matveitch!" I cried, trembling with rage, and almost ran out of the crocodile room at a run. I felt that another minute, and I could no longer be responsible for myself. The unnatural hopes of these two fools were unbearable. The cold air, refreshing me, somewhat tempered my indignation. Finally, spitting vigorously up to fifteen times in both directions, I took a cab, drove home, undressed, and threw myself into bed. The most annoying thing was that I got to be his secretary. Now die of boredom there every evening, fulfilling the duty of a true friend! I was ready to beat myself up for this, and indeed, having already put out the candle and covered myself with a blanket, I hit myself several times with my fist on the head and on other parts of the body. This relieved me a little, and I finally fell asleep quite soundly, because I was very tired. All night long I only dreamed of monkeys, but just before morning I dreamed of Elena Ivanovna...

Monkeys, as I guess, dreamed because they were in the closet of a crocodile, but Elena Ivanovna wrote a special article. I will say in advance: I loved this lady; but I'm in a hurry - and I'm in a hurry on courier - to make a reservation: I loved her like a father, no more, no less. I conclude this because many times I have had an irresistible desire to kiss her on the head or on her ruddy cheek. And although I never brought this to fruition, I confess - I would not refuse to kiss her even on the lips. And not only in the lips, but in the teeth, which always showed up so charmingly, like a row of pretty, matched pearls, when she laughed. She laughed surprisingly often. Ivan Matveitch called her, in endearing cases, his "cute absurdity" - a name in the highest degree just and characteristic. It was a candy lady and nothing more. Therefore, I do not understand at all why the same Ivan Matveich now took it into his head to imagine our Russian Evgenia Tur as his wife? In any case, my dream, if you do not take into account the monkeys, produced on me the most pleasant impression , and, going over in my head over a morning cup of tea all the events of the previous day, I decided to immediately call on Elena Ivanovna on the way to work, which, however, I was obliged to do as a house friend. In a tiny room, in front of the bedroom, in their so-called little drawing room, although their big drawing room was also small, on a small elegant sofa, at a small tea table, in some kind of half-air morning vest, Elena Ivanovna was sitting and from a small cup, in which she dipped a tiny cracker, ate coffee. She was seductively pretty, but she seemed to me, too, as if thoughtful. "Oh, it's you, you rascal!" - she met me with an absent-minded smile, - sit down, anemone, drink coffee. Well, what did you do yesterday? Were you in a masquerade? - Have you been? I don't go, after all... besides, I visited our prisoner yesterday... I sighed and, taking coffee, made a pious face. -- Whom? What kind of prisoner is this? Oh yes! Poor thing! Well, is he bored? You know... I wanted to ask you... I can ask for a divorce now, can't I? - Divorce! I yelled indignantly and almost spilled my coffee. "This is a black man!" I thought to myself furiously. There was a certain dark-haired man with a mustache who served in the construction department, who too often went to them and was extremely able to make Elena Ivanovna laugh. I confess that I hated him, and there was no doubt that he had managed to see Elena Ivanovna yesterday, either at the masquerade, or, perhaps, even here, and uttered all sorts of nonsense to her! “Yes, well,” Elena Ivanovna suddenly hurried, as if she had learned something, “why will he sit there in a crocodile and, perhaps, he won’t come all his life, but I’ll wait for him here!” A husband should live at home, and not in a crocodile ... - But this is an unforeseen event, - I began in a very understandable excitement. "Ah, no, don't say, I don't want to, I don't want to!" she cried, suddenly quite angry. "You're always opposite me, so useless!" You will not do anything with you, you will not advise anything! Strangers are already telling me that they will give me a divorce, because Ivan Matveich will no longer receive a salary. - Elena Ivanovna! Do I hear you? I shouted pathetically. "What villain could tell you that!" Yes, and a divorce for such an unfounded reason as a salary is completely impossible. And poor, poor Ivan Matveitch is, so to speak, all aflame with love for you, even in the depths of the monster. Moreover, it melts with love, like a piece of sugar. Even yesterday evening, when you were having fun in a masquerade, he mentioned that in an extreme case, he might decide to write you out as a legal wife to himself, in the bowels, especially since the crocodile turns out to be very roomy not only for two, but even for three persons. ... And then I immediately told her all this interesting part of my yesterday's conversation with Ivan Matveich - How, how! she cried in astonishment. “Do you want me to go there too, to Ivan Matveitch?” Here are inventions! And how can I get in, so in a hat and a crinoline? Lord, what nonsense! And what kind of figure will I make when I climb there, and someone else, perhaps, will look at me ... This is ridiculous! And what will I eat there? .. and ... and how will I be there when ..., oh my God, what did they invent! .. And what kind of entertainment is there? .. You say that it smells of gum? And how will I be, if we quarrel with him there, - after all, lie next to me? Fu, how disgusting! “I agree, I agree with all these arguments, my dearest Elena Ivanovna,” I interrupted, trying to express myself with that understandable enthusiasm that always takes possession of a person when he feels that the truth is on his side, “but you did not appreciate one thing in everything this; you did not appreciate the fact that he, therefore, cannot live without you, if he calls there; it means that there is love here, passionate love, faithful, striving ... You did not appreciate love, dear Elena Ivanovna, love! “I don’t want, I don’t want, and I don’t want to hear anything!” she waved her little, pretty hand, on which pink marigolds, freshly washed and brushed, shone. -- Nasty! You will bring me to tears. Get in on your own if you enjoy it. After all, you are a friend, well, lie down there next to him out of friendship, and argue all your life about some boring sciences ... - In vain do you laugh at this assumption, - I stopped the frivolous woman with importance, - Ivan Matveich and without that he called me there. Of course, duty draws you there, but generosity alone attracts me; but, telling me yesterday about the extraordinary extensibility of a crocodile, Ivan Matveitch made a very clear hint that not only you both, but even me, as a family friend, could fit together with you, the three of us, especially if I wanted to, and therefore. .. - How so, the three of us? cried Elena Ivanovna, looking at me with surprise. “So how can we... so all three of us will be there together?” Ha ha ha! How stupid are you both! Ha ha ha! I will certainly pinch you there all the time, you are such a worthless, ha-ha-ha! Ha ha ha! And she, leaning back on the sofa, burst out laughing to tears. All this - both tears and laughter - was so seductive that I could not stand it and enthusiastically rushed to kiss her hands, which she did not resist, although she lightly tore me, as a sign of reconciliation, by the ears. Then we both cheered up, and I told her in detail all Ivan Matveitch's plans of yesterday. She liked the idea of ​​receptions and an open salon very much. “But only a lot of new dresses will be needed,” she remarked, “and therefore it is necessary that Ivan Matveich send as soon as possible and as much salary as possible ... Only ... but how is it,” she added in thought - how will it be brought to me in a box? This is very funny. I don't want my husband to be carried in a box. I will be very ashamed in front of the guests ... I do not want, no, I do not want. "By the way, so as not to forget, did Timofey Semyonitch visit you last night?" - Oh, there was; he came to comfort, and, imagine, we all played our trump cards with him. He is for sweets, and if I lose, he kisses my hands. Such a worthless person and, imagine, he almost went to the masquerade with me. Right! -- Passion! - I remarked, - and who does not get carried away by you, seductive! - Well, you, let's go with your compliments! Wait, I'll pinch you on the road. I'm awfully good at pinching now. Well, what! By the way, you say that Ivan Matveitch often talked about me yesterday? - N-n-no, not really ... I confess to you that he now thinks more about the fate of all mankind and wants ... - Well, let him! Negotiate! That's right, it's a terrible bore. I'll visit him somehow. I will definitely go tomorrow. Just not today; my head hurts, and besides, there will be so many people there ... They will say: this is his wife, they will shame him .. Farewell. In the evening you are... there, aren't you? - He has, he has. He ordered me to come and bring newspapers. Well that's just wonderful. And go to him and read. Don't visit me today. I'm not well, and maybe I'll go to visit. Well, goodbye, fool. “This is a black -fashioned one in her in the evening,” I thought to myself. In the office, of course, I did not give a sign that I was being devoured by such worries and troubles. But I soon noticed that some of our most progressive newspapers somehow passed very quickly from the hands of my colleagues that morning and were read with extremely serious facial expressions. The first one I came across was "Leaflet", a newspaper without any special direction, but only in general humane, for which it was mostly despised among us, although it was read. Not without surprise, I read the following in it: “Extreme rumors circulated yesterday in our vast and splendid capital. a place where a huge crocodile, just brought to the capital, is shown, and demanded that it be made for him for dinner. Having bargained with the owner, he immediately began to devour him (that is, not the owner, a very meek and prone to accuracy German, but his crocodile) - still alive, cutting off juicy pieces with a penknife and swallowing them with extreme haste. Little by little the whole crocodile disappeared into its fat bosom, so that he was even going to take on the ichneumon, the constant companion of the crocodile, probably believing that it would be just as tasty. We are not at all against this new product, which has long been known to foreign gastronomes. We even predicted it ahead of time. English lords and travelers catch whole batches of crocodiles in Egypt and eat the backbone of the monster in the form of a steak, with mustard, onions and potatoes. The French, who came with Lesseps, prefer paws baked in hot ashes, which they do, however, in defiance of the English, who laugh at them. Probably, we will appreciate both. For our part, we welcome the new branch of industry, which our strong and diverse fatherland lacks par excellence. Following this first crocodile, which disappeared in the bowels of the St. Petersburg grocery store, probably not even a year will pass before hundreds of them will be brought to us. And why not acclimatize the crocodile here in Russia? If the Neva water is too cold for these interesting strangers, then there are ponds in the capital, and rivers and lakes outside the city. Why, for example, not breed crocodiles in Pargolovo or Pavlovsk, in Moscow, in Presnensky Ponds and Samotek? Delivering pleasant and healthy food to our refined gastronomes, at the same time they could amuse the ladies walking on these ponds and teach the children of natural history with themselves. Cases, suitcases, cigarette boxes and wallets could be prepared from crocodile skin, and, perhaps, more than one thousand Russian merchants in greasy credit cards, mostly preferred by merchants, would lie down in crocodile skin. We hope to return to this interesting subject more than once. "Although I had a premonition of something of this kind, nevertheless, the rashness of the news embarrassed me. Not finding anyone to share my impressions with, I turned to Prokhor Savvich, who was sitting opposite me, and noticed that he had been following me with his eyes for a long time, and in his hands he held Volos, as if preparing to hand it over to me. This Prokhor Savvich was a strange man among us: a taciturn old bachelor, he did not enter into any relations with any of us, hardly spoke to anyone in the office, he always had his own opinion about everything, but he endured couldn't tell anyone. He lived alone. Almost none of us were in his apartment. Here is what I read in the passage shown in Volos: “Everyone knows that we are progressive and humane and want to catch up with Europe in this. But, despite all our efforts and the efforts of our newspaper, we are still far from “ripe”, This is evidenced by the outrageous fact that happened yesterday in the Passage and which we predicted in advance. A foreign owner arrives in the capital and brings with him a crocodile, which he begins to show to the public in the Passage. We immediately hastened to welcome a new branch of useful industry, which is generally lacking to our strong and diverse fatherland, when suddenly yesterday, at half-past five in the afternoon, someone unusually thick and intoxicated entered the shop of the foreign owner, paid the entrance fee, and immediately, without any prior notice, climbed into the mouth of a crocodile, which, of course, was forced If only out of a sense of self-preservation, so as not to choke, the stranger falls into the inside of a crocodile and immediately falls asleep. laughter and a promise to deal with rods (sic - So (lat.)), and the poor mammal, forced to swallow such a mass, sheds tears in vain. An uninvited guest is worse than a Tatar, but, despite the proverb, an impudent visitor does not want to leave. We do not know how to explain such barbaric facts, which testify to our immaturity and tarnish us in the eyes of foreigners. The sweeping nature of Russian nature has found a worthy application. The question is, what did the uninvited visitor want? Warm and comfortable space? But in the capital there are many fine houses with cheap and very comfortable apartments, with the Neva running water and with a gas-lit staircase, at which the porter often starts up from the owners. We also draw the attention of our readers to the very barbarism of the treatment of domestic animals: it is, of course, difficult for a visiting crocodile to digest such a mass at once, and now it lies, swollen with a mountain, and awaits death in unbearable suffering. In Europe, those who treat pets inhumanely have long been prosecuted . But, in spite of European lighting, European sidewalks, European construction of houses, we will not fall behind our cherished prejudices for a long time. The houses are new, but the prejudices are old - and even the houses are not new, at least the stairs. pose a danger to the soldier Afimya Skapidarova, who is in his service, often forced to climb the stairs with water or with an armful of firewood. Finally, our predictions came true: last night at half past nine in the afternoon, the soldier Afimya Skapidarova fell through with a soup bowl and broke her leg. We do not know whether Lukyanov will repair his ladder now; the Russian man is strong in hindsight, but the victim of the Russian may have already been taken to the hospital. In the same way, we will not tire of asserting that the janitors who clean the dirt from the wooden sidewalks on Vyborgskaya Street should not dirty the feet of passers-by, but should put the dirt in piles, just as in Europe when cleaning boots .. etc., etc. "What is it," I said, looking in some bewilderment at Prokhor Savvich, "what is it? about the crocodile." mammal, and they regretted it. Why not Europe, sir? There, too, crocodiles are very sorry. Hee hee hee! Having said this, the eccentric Prokhor Savvich buried himself in his papers and did not say a word more. I put "Volos" and "Leaflet" in my pocket, and besides, I collected as many old Izvestia and "Volosov" as I could find for Ivan Matveich's evening entertainment, and although it was still far from evening, this time I slipped out of chancery to visit the Passage and, at least from a distance, to see what is happening there, to eavesdrop on different opinions and trends. I had a presentiment that there was a whole crush there, and just in case, I wrapped my face more tightly in the collar of my overcoat, because I was a little ashamed of something - we were not used to publicity before. But I feel that I have no right to convey my own, prosaic feelings in view of such a wonderful and original event.

Extraordinary event or passage within a passage

a fair story about how one gentleman, of known age and well-known appearance, was swallowed alive by a passage crocodile, all without a trace, and what came of it

I

On this thirteenth of January of the current sixty-fifth year, at half past one in the afternoon, Elena Ivanovna, the wife of Ivan Matveitch, my educated friend, colleague and partly distant relative, wished to see a crocodile shown for a certain fee in the Passage. Having already in his pocket his ticket for traveling abroad (not so much because of illness, but out of curiosity) abroad, and, consequently, already counting on leave from work and, therefore, being completely free that morning, Ivan Matveich not only did not prevent an insurmountable the desire of his wife, but even he himself kindled with curiosity. “Great idea,” he said happily, “let's look at the crocodile! When going to Europe, it is not bad to get acquainted with the natives inhabiting it on the spot, and with these words, taking his wife by the arm, he immediately went with her to the Passage. I, as usual, tagged along with them in the form of a domestic friend. Never before have I seen Ivan Matveitch in a more pleasant mood than on that memorable morning for me, truly, that we do not know our fate in advance! Entering the Passage, he immediately began to admire the splendor of the building, and going up to the shop, in which the monster again brought to the capital was shown, he himself wished to pay a quarter to the crocodile for me, which had never happened to him before. Entering the small room, we noticed that in in addition to the crocodile, there are also parrots from a foreign breed of cockatoo and, moreover, a group of monkeys in a special closet in the recesses. At the very entrance, against the left wall, stood a large tin box in the form of a kind of bath, covered with a strong iron mesh, and at the bottom of it there was an inch of water. In this shallow puddle, a huge crocodile was preserved, lying like a log, completely motionless and, apparently, deprived of all its abilities from our damp and inhospitable climate for foreigners. This monster did not arouse much curiosity in any of us at first. So this is a crocodile! said Elena Ivanovna in a voice of regret and in a singsong voice, but I thought that he was .. some other! Most likely, she thought he was a diamond. The German, the owner, the owner of the crocodile, who came out to us, looked at us with an extremely proud look. He is right, Ivan Matveich whispered to me, because he knows that he is the only one in all of Russia now showing a crocodile. I also attribute this completely absurd remark to the excessively complacent mood that took possession of Ivan Matveich, which in other cases is very envious. It seems to me that your crocodile is not alive, Elena Ivanovna said again, dived by the inflexibility of the owner, and turning to him with a graceful smile to bow this rude man, a maneuver so characteristic of women. Oh no, madam, he answered in broken Russian and immediately, raising the net of the box to half, began to poke the crocodile in the head with a stick. Then the insidious monster, in order to show its signs of life, slightly moved its paws and tail, lifted its snout and emitted something like a long sniff. Well, don't be angry, Carlchen! said the German affectionately, satisfied in his vanity. What a nasty crocodile! I was even frightened, Elena Ivanovna murmured even more coquettishly, “now I will dream of him in a dream. But he won't bite you in your sleep, madam, the German picked up haberdashery and laughed first of all at the wit of his words, but none of us answered him. Let's go, Semyon Semenych, continued Elena Ivanovna, turning exclusively to me, you'd better see the monkeys. I am terribly fond of monkeys; some of them are so darling ... and the crocodile is terrible. Oh, don't be afraid, my friend, Ivan Matveich shouted after us, pleasantly bracing himself in front of his wife. This sleepy inhabitant of the pharaoh's kingdom will not do anything to us, and remained at the box. Moreover, taking his glove, he began to tickle the crocodile's nose with it, wanting, as he later admitted, to make him sniff again. The owner followed Elena Ivanovna, as if following a lady, to the cupboard with the monkeys. Thus, everything went perfectly and nothing could be foreseen. Elena Ivanovna, even to the point of playfulness, amused herself with the monkeys and seemed to give herself over to them. She screamed with pleasure, constantly turning to me, as if not wanting to pay any attention to the owner, and laughed at the similarity she noticed of these monkeys with her short acquaintances and friends. I also cheered, for the resemblance was undeniable. The German proprietor did not know whether to laugh or not, and therefore, in the end, he completely frowned. And at that very moment, suddenly, a terrible, I can even say, unnatural scream shook the room. Not knowing what to think, I first froze in place; but, noticing that Elena Ivanovna was already screaming, he quickly turned around and—what did I see! I saw, oh my! I saw the unfortunate Ivan Matveich in the terrible jaws of crocodile, intercepted by them across the body, already raised horizontally into the air and desperately dangling his legs in it. Then a moment and he was gone. But I will describe in detail, because I stood motionless all the time and managed to see the whole process that was happening in front of me with such attention and curiosity that I can’t even remember. “For,” I thought at that fateful moment, “what if all this had happened to me instead of Ivan Matveich, what a nuisance it would have been to me!” But to the point. The crocodile began by turning poor Ivan Matveitch in his terrible jaws towards him with his feet, and first swallowed the feet themselves; then, belching a little Ivan Matveitch, who was trying to jump out and clinging to the box with his hands, again drew him into himself, already above the waist. Then, burping again, he swallowed again and again. Thus Ivan Matveich apparently disappeared in our eyes. Finally, having swallowed completely, the crocodile absorbed all my educated friend and this time without a trace. On the surface of the crocodile, one could notice how Ivan Matveich with all his forms was passing through his insides. I was about to scream again, when suddenly fate once again wanted to treacherously play a trick on us: the crocodile strained, probably choking on the hugeness of the object he had swallowed, again opened his entire terrible mouth, and from it, in the form of the last belch, suddenly jumped out for one second Ivan Matveitch's head, with a desperate expression on his face, and his glasses instantly fell from his nose to the bottom of the box. It seemed that this desperate head had jumped out just for that, in order to cast one last glance at all objects and mentally say goodbye to all worldly pleasures. But she did not have time in her intention: the crocodile gathered strength again, took a sip - and in an instant she disappeared again, this time forever. This appearance and disappearance of a still living human head was so terrible, but at the same time, either from the speed and unexpectedness of the action or as a result of falling from the nose of the glasses, it contained something so funny that I suddenly and quite unexpectedly snorted; but, realizing that it was indecent for me to laugh at such a moment as a domestic friend, he immediately turned to Elena Ivanovna and said to her with a sympathetic air: Now kaput our Ivan Matveich! I can’t even think of expressing to what extent Elena Ivanovna’s excitement was intense during the whole process. At first, after the first cry, she seemed to freeze in place and looked at the mess that seemed to her, apparently indifferently, but with extremely bulging eyes; then suddenly burst into a tearing cry, but I grabbed her by the hands. At that moment, the owner, who at first was also dumbfounded with horror, suddenly threw up his hands and shouted, looking at the sky: O my crocodile, O mein allerlibster Karlchen! Mutter, mutter, mutter! At this cry, the back door opened and a mutter appeared, in a cap, ruddy, elderly, but disheveled, and with a screech rushed to her German. It was then that the sodom began: Elena Ivanovna shouted out, like a frenzy, only one word: “Rip it up! rip it up!" and rushed to the owner and to the mutter, apparently begging them probably in self-forgetfulness to rip someone up for something. The owner and mutter paid no attention to either of us: they both howled like calves near the box. He's a wretch, he's about to gobble up, because he swallowed the Ghanz official! shouted the owner. Unzer Karlchen, unzer allerlibster Karlchen vird sternen! howled the hostess. We are orphans without kleb! was picked up by the owner. Rip, Rip, Rip! Elena Ivanovna burst into flames, clutching at the German's frock coat. He teased the crocodile, why did your husband tease the crocodile! the German shouted, fighting back, you will pay if Carlchen is wird lopal, das var mein zon, das var mein einziger zon! I confess that I was terribly indignant at seeing such selfishness in a visiting German and the dryness of his heart in his disheveled mutter; nevertheless, the incessantly repeated cries of Elena Ivanovna: "Rip it up, rip it up!" aroused my anxiety even more and finally attracted all my attention, so that I was even frightened ... I will say in advance these strange exclamations were completely misunderstood by me: it seemed to me that Elena Ivanovna lost her mind for a moment, but nevertheless, wanting to commemorate Ivan Matveich, beloved by her, for the death, offered, in the form of satisfaction to be followed, to punish the crocodile with rods. But meanwhile, she understood something completely different. Glancing at the door, not without embarrassment, I began to beg Elena Ivanovna to calm down and, most importantly, not to use the delicate word "to rip open." For such a retrograde desire here, in the very heart of the Passage and educated society, a stone's throw from the very hall where, perhaps at that very moment, Mr. Lavrov was giving a public lecture, was not only impossible, but even unthinkable and from a minute to a minute could attract the whistles of education and the caricatures of Mr. Stepanov to us. To my horror, I immediately turned out to be right in my timid suspicions: suddenly the curtain separated the crocodile room from the entrance closet, in which the quarters were collected, and a figure with a mustache, a beard and a cap in his hands, very strongly bending his upper body forward and very prudently trying to keep her feet outside the threshold of the crocodile, in order to reserve the right not to pay for the entrance. Such a retrograde desire, madam, said the stranger, trying not to roll over somehow to us and stand outside the threshold, does not honor your development and is due to a lack of phosphorus in your brains. You will immediately be booed in the chronicle of progress and in the satirical sheets of our... But he did not finish: the owner, who came to his senses, seeing with horror a man talking in a crocodile room and not paying anything for it, rushed furiously at the progressive stranger and with both fists pushed him in the neck. For a moment both disappeared from our eyes behind a curtain, and only then did I finally guess that the whole mess had come out of nothing; Elena Ivanovna turned out to be completely innocent: she did not at all think, as I already noted above, of subjecting the crocodile to a retrograde and humiliating punishment with rods, but simply wished that they would only cut open his belly with a knife and thus free Ivan Matveich from his insides. How! wi hatit my crocodile perish! yelled the owner, who ran in again, no, let your husband first go to hell, and then the crocodile! .. Main Vater showed the crocodile, Main Grosvater showed the crocodile, Mainzon will show the crocodile, and I will show the crocodile! Everyone will show the crocodile! I am a gantz Europe is known, but you are unknown gantz Europe and I pay a fine. Me, me! the vicious German woman picked up, don't let me in, fine, when Carlchen ate! And it’s useless to open up, I added calmly, wanting to distract Elena Ivanovna home as soon as possible, for our dear Ivan Matveich, in all likelihood, is floating, now somewhere in the empyrean. My friend, came at that moment completely, unexpectedly, the voice of Ivan Matveich, which amazed us to the extreme, my friend, my opinion to act directly through the overseer's office, for a German without the help of the police will not understand the truth. These words, spoken firmly, with weight and expressing an extraordinary presence of mind, at first amazed us so much that we all refused to believe our ears. But, of course, they immediately ran up to the crocodile box and listened to the unfortunate prisoner with as much reverence as distrust. His voice was muffled, thin and even loud, as if coming from a considerable distance from us. It was like when some joker, going into another room and covering his mouth with an ordinary sleeping pillow, begins to shout, wanting to imagine to the audience remaining in the other room how two peasants call to each other in the desert or being separated from each other by a deep ravine, that I I had the pleasure of hearing one day from my acquaintances at Christmas time. Ivan Matveich, my friend, so you are alive! Elena Ivanovna babbled. Alive and well, answered Ivan Matveich, and thanks to the Almighty it was swallowed without any damage. I worry only about how the authorities will look at this episode; for, having received a ticket abroad, he landed in a crocodile, which is not even witty ... But, my friend, do not worry about wit; First of all, we need to get you out of here somehow,” interrupted Elena Ivanovna. Pick! cried the owner, I won't let the crocodile pick. Now the public will have a lot more time to go, and I'll ask for fufzig kopecks, and Karlchen will stop lapping. Go zey dunk! picked up the hostess. They are right, Ivan Matveich calmly remarked, first of all, the economic principle. My friend, I shouted, I am flying to the authorities right now and will complain, because I have a presentiment that we cannot cook this porridge alone. And I think the same thing, Ivan Matveich noted, but without economic reward it is difficult in our age of trade crisis to rip open a crocodile's belly for nothing, and meanwhile the inevitable question arises: what will the owner take for his crocodile? and with him another: who will pay? because you know I don't have the means... Is it on account of salary, I remarked timidly, but the owner immediately interrupted me: I don't sell a crocodile, I sell a crocodile for three thousand, I sell a crocodile for four thousand! Now the public will have a lot of walking. I sell five thousand crocodile! In a word, he swaggered unbearably; covetousness and vile greed shone joyfully in his eyes. I'm going! I shouted in indignation. Me too! and me too! I will go to Andrey Osipych himself, I will soften him with my tears,” Elena Ivanovna whined. "Don't do that, my friend," Ivan Matveitch hastily interrupted her, for he had long been jealous of his wife for Andrei Osipich and knew that she was glad to go and cry in front of an educated person, because tears came to her very much. Yes, and you, my friend, I do not advise, he continued, turning to me, there is nothing to go straight from the bay; what else will come of it. And you better come by today, so, in the form of a private visit, to Timofey Semyonitch. He is an old-fashioned and narrow-minded person, but solid and, most importantly, direct. Bow to him from me and describe the circumstances of the case. Since I owe him seven rubles for the last mess, give them to him at this opportunity: this will soften the stern old man. In any case, his advice can serve as a guide for us. And now take Elena Ivanovna away for now... Calm down, my friend, he continued to her, I'm tired of all these screams and women's squabbles and I want to sleep a little. Here it is warm and soft, although I have not yet had time to look around in this unexpected shelter ... Look around! Is it light for you? Yelena Ivanovna cried out delightedly. A deep night surrounds me, answered the poor prisoner, but I can feel and, so to speak, look around with my hands ... Farewell, be calm and do not deny yourself entertainment. Till tomorrow! You, Semyon Semyonitch, visit me in the evening, and since you are absent-minded and can forget, then tie a knot ... I confess that I was glad to leave, because I was too tired, and partly bored. Hastily taking by the arm the despondent, but prettier with excitement, Elena Ivanovna, I quickly led her out of the crocodile room. In the evening for the entrance again a quarter! shouted after us the owner. Oh God, how greedy they are! Elena Ivanovna said, looking into every mirror in the piers of the Passage and, apparently, realizing that she had grown prettier. An economic principle, I answered with slight excitement and pride in my lady in front of passers-by. The economic principle ... she drawled in a sympathetic voice, I did not understand anything that Ivan Matveich was just talking about this opposite economic principle. I will explain to you, I answered and immediately began to talk about the beneficial results of attracting foreign capital to our fatherland, which I had read about in the morning in Petersburg News and in Volos. How strange it all is! she interrupted after listening for a while, come on, you nasty one; what nonsense are you talking about ... Tell me, am I very red? You are beautiful, not red! I remarked, taking the opportunity to say a compliment. Naughty! she murmured smugly. Poor Ivan Matveich, she added after a minute, coquettishly bowing her head on her shoulder, I really feel sorry for him, oh my God! she suddenly cried out, tell me, how will he eat there today and ... and ... how will he ... if he needs something? Unforeseen question, I answered, also puzzled. In truth, it never occurred to me, women are so much more practical than us men in solving everyday problems! Poor thing, how did he get so into it... and no entertainment and it's dark... how annoying that I didn't have his photographic card left... So, I'm kind of a widow now, she added with a seductive smile, obviously interested in the new his position, um... still I feel sorry for him!.. In a word, a very understandable and natural longing of a young and interesting wife for her dead husband was expressed. I brought her home at last, reassured her, and, having dined with her, after a cup of fragrant coffee, went to Timofey Semyonitch's at six o'clock, reckoning that at that hour all family people of certain occupations were sitting or lying at home. Having written this first chapter in a style appropriate to the event narrated, I intend to continue using the style, although not so exalted, but more natural, about which I inform the reader in advance.

This work was written by Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky in 1864 and published in 1865. The narrator of The Crocodile told us the following story.

"Crocodile": a summary

A large crocodile was brought to the Passage in St. Petersburg, to a store owned by a certain German. One afternoon, an official named Ivan Matveyevich, his beautiful wife Elena Ivanovna, and the narrator (their close friend) go to look at this crocodile. The amazing incident that happened in the Passage is the subject of the story.

When Ivan Matveyevich began to tickle the crocodile's nose with his glove, the crocodile somehow managed to swallow it. Then the rest of the discouraged spectators began to demand to “cut open” the stomach of the crocodile, but the nasty German not only refused to do this, but began to demand monetary compensation from the guests, since they “fed” his crocodile with the affectionate name Karlchen with such poison, from which he can die.

Because the air was like “Rip it up! Rip it up!”, which reminded visitors of the Passage of flogging the peasants, a bearer of “progressive” convictions appeared in the shop, who began to talk about the inadmissibility of such a “retrograde” measure. Here Ivan Matveyevich suddenly spoke out of the crocodile, who does not agree to rip open the belly of the crocodile without naming the amount of compensation to the owner, because “without economic remuneration it is difficult in our age of trade crisis to rip open the belly of a crocodile for nothing, but meanwhile the question seems inevitable: what will the owner take for his crocodile ? and with him another: who will pay? for you know I have no means.” At the same time, he claims that it is better for him to stay in his belly until the money issue is resolved, since it is “warm and soft” here, although it smells like rubber.

The narrator takes Elena Ivanovna home, and she becomes very excited, looks even younger and more beautiful than usual, hints that she is now a widow ... A little later, she will talk about divorce - because "the husband should live at home, and not in a crocodile" .

The narrator goes for advice to his colleague Timofey Semyonovich. He speaks in the spirit that he had long assumed: something like this might happen, since Ivan Matveyevich kept talking about some kind of “progress”, and therefore, because of his arrogance, he ended up in a crocodile belly. At the same time, he wisely advises not to talk about the crocodile in the service - after all, Ivan Matveevich, as everyone knows, must go on vacation abroad for three months.

All sorts of Petersburg newspapers raise a fuss about this extraordinary incident. They say that in Russia they have not yet learned the humane treatment of animals. Wanting to see how people perceive this incident, the narrator wraps himself in an overcoat and goes to the Passage, where, as he foresees, a crush has formed ...

Takova plot outline this story. In it, Dostoevsky prefers not a "violent" ending, but cuts off the narrative, giving free rein to the reader's imagination.

"Crocodile" (Dostoevsky): analysis of the story

It is noteworthy that the narrator, on behalf of whom the narration is being conducted, is a type of newspaper reporter prowling the city in search of news. At the same time, Dostoevsky slightly changes this type of newspaperman. This, of course, is not a direct participant in the events, this is an eyewitness who is near the main characters and observes what happens to them. This, so to speak, is a “half-character” who interviews full-fledged characters. When the hero of the story, Ivan Matveyevich, finds himself in the belly of a crocodile, he tells the narrator that he wants to use him as a secretary, thus determining the function that the narrator performs in this story.

In "Demons" and "The Brothers Karamazov" the same "semi-character" ("I") will also supply information about what happened. All Dostoevsky's literature has the character of a news chronicle, which is also manifested in the image of the narrator.

His works 1862-1865. (“Bad Anecdote”, “Winter Notes on Summer Impressions”, “Notes from the Underground”, etc.) Dostoevsky published in the magazines Vremya and Epoch edited by him. All these works are marked by a polemical charge - they are saturated with irony and "feuilletonism". Crocodile (1865) belongs to the same series - this "fiction" prose clearly reflects the controversy and journalistic discussions of the time.

In Russia in the 1860s, which began to implement numerous social reforms (above all, the elimination of serfdom), there was a high degree of discussion, and, of course, educated people in St. .

Vremya, and then Epoch, unfurled the banner of “pochvennichestvo,” a somewhat amorphous form of Russian patriotism. The “ears” of Dostoevsky the polemicist stick out everywhere in the Crocodile. He couldn't be satisfied with the role magazine critic. That is why he summarized his opponents from the progressive Sovremennik in one person, skillfully putting into his mouth the phraseology inherent in those and introducing it into the fabric of his anecdotal-feuilleton narrative. The narrator repeatedly notes that Ivan Matveyevich's voice from the belly of a crocodile sounds as if from afar, which should once again emphasize the separation of the "progressive party" from reality. In the speeches of the narrator himself, there are often newspaper quotations - long and comical - which is integral part author's intention. Scientists from the Institute of Russian Literature (“Pushkin House”) conducted detailed studies of the journal controversy of those years and showed who specifically addressed these or those barbs that appear in the speeches of the characters in the story. From these comments it is clear that Krokodil is a work directed primarily against the progressives of Sovremennik.

The voice of Ivan Matveyevich coming from the belly of the crocodile is a real public speech aimed at "improving the fate of all mankind." It is clear that in this passage Dostoevsky ridicules the economist Chernyshevsky - spiritual leader"Contemporary", arrested by the authorities.

Immediately after the publication of The Crocodile, rumors began to circulate that in this story Dostoevsky subjected the sufferer Chernyshevsky to malicious ridicule. Fyodor Mikhailovich completely denied this (“A Writer's Diary”, 1873, “Something Personal”), but it is clear that he had such an intention. The prototype of Elena Ivanovna, the wife of Ivan Matveyevich, is Olga Chernyshevskaya.

Chernyshevsky expressed his ideas in utopian novel"What to do?" (1863). In this work, he repeatedly emphasizes: all human behavior can be explained in terms of "benefit"; in order for a person's life to become more joyful, one should only encourage him to perform actions corresponding to this goal; if, in accordance with this principle, this understanding of "selfishness" is given an outlet, then society will become healthy. Was it not this optimistic utilitarianism that Dostoevsky mocked in Notes from the Underground?

We see the continuation of this controversy in the caricature Ivan Matveyevich from Krokodil. His speeches addressed to all mankind, resounding from the crocodile belly, may be a parody of Chernyshevsky, who wrote "What is to be done?" while in a prison cell.

The broken, feuilleton style of "Crocodile" overturns the reader's well-established ideas about Dostoevsky. It is usually believed that Fyodor Mikhailovich is a purely serious writer who is busy discussing metaphysical problems. Of course, in the broad sense of the word, Dostoevsky is a writer whose work is centered on such religious problems as the salvation of man, the existence of God and the existence of science, etc. At the same time, he also has works of a more "mundane" plan, where broken style prevails and where the writer aims to make the reader laugh. And this side was shown quite clearly from the very beginning of his work.

When Dostoevsky was still at the very beginning of his writing career, he was attracted not only by the historical plays of Schiller and Pushkin, but also by vaudeville and feuilleton. He read with great pleasure the numerous vaudevilles published in the theater magazine, with which his older brother Mikhail collaborated, he also adored the feuilletonist Lucien, bred by Balzac in Lost Illusions.

The inner world of an unfortunate and rejected by colleagues petty official was main interest young Dostoevsky ("Poor people", "Double"). But the petty street gossip that could be heard on the streets of St. Petersburg also served as material for this serious topic. And this was reflected in Dostoevsky's literary predilections. "Double" is written in a "paradise" vein - its style is exaggerated and unnatural. "Mr. Prokharchin" - in the style of a joke that suddenly makes the reader burst into laughter. And this is because Fyodor Mikhailovich liked the works of the vaudeville plan. "Crocodile" continues this comic tradition of Dostoevsky.

Crocodile

“This January thirteenth of the current sixty-fifth year, at half past one in the afternoon, Elena Ivanovna, the wife of Ivan Matveich, my educated friend, colleague and partly distant relative, wished to see a crocodile shown for a certain fee in the Passage. Having already in his pocket his ticket for traveling abroad (not so much because of illness, but out of curiosity) abroad, and, consequently, already counting on his service on vacation and, therefore, being completely free that morning, Ivan Matveich not only did not prevent an insurmountable the desire of his wife, but even he was inflamed with curiosity ... "

Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky Crocodile

An extraordinary event, or a passage within a passage

a fair story about how one gentleman, of known age and well-known appearance, was swallowed alive by a passage crocodile, all without a trace, and what came of it

I

Oh Lambert! Où est Lambert?

On this thirteenth of January of the current sixty-fifth year, at half past one in the afternoon, Elena Ivanovna, the wife of Ivan Matveitch, my educated friend, colleague and partly distant relative, wished to see a crocodile shown for a certain fee in the Passage. Having already in his pocket his ticket for traveling abroad (not so much because of illness, but out of curiosity) abroad, and, consequently, already counting on his service on vacation and, therefore, being completely free that morning, Ivan Matveich not only did not prevent an insurmountable the desire of his wife, but even he himself kindled with curiosity. “Great idea,” he said with all satisfaction, “let's look at the crocodile! If you are going to Europe, it is not bad to get acquainted with the natives inhabiting it on the spot, ”and with these words, taking his wife by the arm, he immediately went with her to the Passage. I, as usual, tagged along with them - in the form of a domestic friend. Never before have I seen Ivan Matveitch in a more pleasant frame of mind than on that memorable morning for me—truly, we do not know our fate in advance! Entering the Passage, he immediately began to admire the splendor of the building, and going up to the store, which showed a monster newly brought to the capital, he himself wished to pay a quarter to the crocodile for me, which had never happened to him before. Entering a small room, we noticed that in addition to a crocodile there were also parrots from a foreign breed of cockatoo and, moreover, a group of monkeys in a special cupboard in a recess. At the very entrance, against the left wall, stood a large tin box in the form of a kind of bathtub, covered with a strong iron mesh, and at the bottom of it there was an inch of water. In this shallow puddle, a huge crocodile was preserved, lying like a log, completely motionless and, apparently, deprived of all its abilities from our damp and inhospitable climate for foreigners. This monster did not arouse much curiosity in any of us at first.

So it's a crocodile! said Elena Ivanovna in a voice of regret and in a singsong voice. “And I thought he was…something else!”

Most likely, she thought he was a diamond. The German, the owner, the owner of the crocodile, who came out to us, looked at us with an extremely proud look.

“He is right,” Ivan Matveitch whispered to me, “because he is aware that he is the only one in all of Russia now showing a crocodile.

I also attribute this completely absurd remark to the overly complacent mood that took possession of Ivan Matveyevich, in other cases very envious.

“It seems to me that your crocodile is not alive,” Elena Ivanovna said again, peaked at her master’s obstinacy, and turning to him with a graceful smile in order to bow this rude man, a maneuver so characteristic of women.

“Oh no, madam,” he answered in broken Russian, and immediately, raising the net of the box to half, began to poke the crocodile in the head with a stick.

Then the insidious monster, in order to show its signs of life, slightly moved its paws and tail, lifted its snout and emitted something like a long sniff.

“Well, don’t be angry, Carlchen! the German said affectionately, satisfied in his vanity.

What a disgusting crocodile! I was even frightened, - Elena Ivanovna murmured even more coquettishly, - now I will dream of him in a dream.

“But he won’t bite you in your sleep, madam,” the German picked up haberdashery and laughed first of all at the wit of his words, but none of us answered him.

“Come on, Semyon Semyonitch,” Elena Ivanovna continued, addressing herself exclusively to me, “let’s have a look at the monkeys.” I am terribly fond of monkeys; some of them are such darlings ... and the crocodile is terrible.

“Oh, don’t be afraid, my friend,” Ivan Matveich shouted after us, pleasantly putting on a brave face in front of his wife. - This sleepy inhabitant of the Pharaoh's kingdom will not do anything to us, - and remained at the box. Moreover, taking his glove, he began to tickle the crocodile's nose with it, wanting, as he later admitted, to make him sniff again. The owner followed Elena Ivanovna, as if following a lady, to the cupboard with the monkeys.

Thus, everything went perfectly and nothing could be foreseen. Elena Ivanovna, even to the point of playfulness, amused herself with the monkeys and seemed to give herself over to them. She screamed with pleasure, constantly addressing me, as if not wanting to pay any attention to the owner, and laughed at the similarity she noticed between these monkeys and her short acquaintances in friends. I also cheered, for the resemblance was undeniable. The German proprietor did not know whether to laugh or not, and therefore, in the end, he completely frowned. And at that very moment, suddenly, a terrible, I can even say, unnatural scream shook the room. Not knowing what to think, I first froze in place; but noticing that Elena Ivanovna was already screaming, he quickly turned around and—what did I see! I saw - oh my! - I saw Ivan Matveich in the terrible jaws of a crocodile, intercepted by them across the body, already raised horizontally into the air and desperately dangling his legs in it. Then a moment - and he was gone. But I will describe in detail, because I stood motionless all the time and managed to see the whole process that was happening in front of me with such attention and curiosity that I can’t even remember. “For,” I thought at that fateful moment, “what if, instead of Ivan Matveitch, all this happened to me, what a nuisance it would be to me!” But to the point. The crocodile began by turning poor Ivan Matveitch in his terrible jaws towards him with his feet, and first swallowed the feet themselves; then, belching a little Ivan Matveitch, who was trying to jump out and clinging to the box with his hands, again drew him into himself, already above the waist. Then, burping again, he swallowed again and again. Thus Ivan Matveich apparently disappeared in our eyes. Finally, having swallowed completely, the crocodile absorbed all of my educated friend, and this time without a trace. On the surface of the crocodile, one could notice how Ivan Matveich with all his forms was passing through his insides. I was about to scream again, when suddenly fate once again wanted to treacherously play a trick on us: the crocodile strained, probably choking on the hugeness of the object he had swallowed, again opened his entire terrible mouth, and from it, in the form of the last belch, suddenly jumped out for one second Ivan Matveitch's head, with a desperate expression on his face, and his glasses instantly fell from his nose to the bottom of the box. It seemed that this desperate head had jumped out just for that, in order to cast one last glance at all objects and mentally say goodbye to all worldly pleasures. But she didn’t have time in her intention: the crocodile again gathered strength, took a sip - and in an instant she disappeared again, this time forever. This appearance and disappearance of a still living human head was so terrible, but at the same time - whether from the speed and unexpectedness of the action or as a result of the fall from the nose of the glasses - contained something so ridiculous that I suddenly and quite unexpectedly snorted; but, realizing that it was indecent for me to laugh at such a moment as a domestic friend, he immediately turned to Elena Ivanovna and said to her with a sympathetic air:

- Now kaput our Ivan Matveich!

I can’t even think, to express how strong Elena Ivanovna’s excitement was during the whole process. At first, after the first cry, she seemed to freeze in place and looked at the mess that seemed to her, apparently indifferently, but with extremely bulging eyes; then suddenly burst into a tearing cry, but I grabbed her by the hands. At that moment, the owner, who at first was also dumbfounded with horror, suddenly threw up his hands and shouted, looking at the sky:

“Oh my crocodile, oh mein allerlibster Karlchen! Mutter, mutter, mutter!

At this cry, the back door opened and a mutter appeared, in a cap, ruddy, elderly, but disheveled, and with a screech rushed to her German.

It was then that the sodom began: Elena Ivanovna shouted out, like a frenzy, only one word: “Rip it up! rip it up!" - and rushed to the owner and to the mutter, apparently begging them - probably in self-forgetfulness - to rip someone up for something. The owner and mutter paid no attention to either of us: they both howled like calves near the box.

- He's a wreck, he's going to gobble up now, because he swallowed the gantz clerk! shouted the owner.

- Unzer Karlchen, Unzer Allerlibster Karlchen vird stern! howled the hostess.

- We are orphans and without kleb! - picked up the owner.

- Rip, Rip, Rip! Elena Ivanovna burst into laughter, clutching at the German's frock coat.

- He teased the crocodile - why did your husband tease the crocodile! shouted the German, fighting back. “You will pay if Karlchen is wird lopal—das var mein zon, das var mein einziger zon!”

I confess that I was terribly indignant at seeing such selfishness in a visiting German and the dryness of his heart in his disheveled mutter; nevertheless, the incessantly repeated cries of Elena Ivanovna: "Rip it up, rip it up!" - aroused my anxiety even more and finally attracted all my attention, so that I was even frightened ... I will say in advance - these strange exclamations were completely misunderstood by me: it seemed to me that Elena Ivanovna lost her mind for a moment, but nevertheless, wanting to avenge the death of her beloved Ivan Matveich, offered, in the form of satisfaction to be followed, to punish the crocodile with rods. But meanwhile, she understood something completely different. Glancing at the door, not without embarrassment, I began to beg Elena Ivanovna to calm down and, most importantly, not to use the delicate word "to rip open." For such a retrograde desire here, in the very heart of the Passage and educated society, a stone's throw from the very hall where, perhaps at that very moment, Mr. Lavrov was giving a public lecture, was not only impossible, but even unthinkable, and from a minute to a minute could attract the whistles of education and the caricatures of Mr. Stepanov to us. To my horror, I immediately turned out to be right in my timid suspicions: suddenly the curtain separated the crocodile room from the entrance closet, in which the quarters were collected, and a figure with a mustache, a beard and a cap in his hands, very strongly bending his upper body forward and very prudently trying to keep her feet outside the threshold of the crocodile, in order to reserve the right not to pay for the entrance.

“Such a retrograde desire, madam,” said the stranger, trying not to somehow roll over to us and stand outside the threshold, “does not honor your development and is due to a lack of phosphorus in your brains. You will immediately be booed in the chronicle of progress and in the satirical sheets of our ...

But he did not finish: the owner, who came to his senses, seeing with horror a man talking in a crocodile room and not paying anything for it, rushed furiously at the progressive stranger and with both fists pushed him in the neck. For a moment both disappeared from our eyes behind a curtain, and only then did I finally guess that the whole mess had come out of nothing; Elena Ivanovna turned out to be completely innocent: she did not at all think, as I already noted above, of subjecting the crocodile to a retrograde and humiliating punishment with rods, but simply wished that they would only cut open his belly with a knife and thus free Ivan Matveich from his insides.

- How! wi hatit my crocodile perish! yelled the owner, who ran in again. - Nett, let your husband go to hell first, and then the crocodile! .. Maine Vater showed the crocodile, Maine Grosvater showed the crocodile, Maineson will show the crocodile, and I will show the crocodile! Everyone will show the crocodile! I am a gantz Europe is known, but you are unknown gantz Europe and I pay a fine.

- Me, me! - the vicious German woman picked up. - Don't let me in, fine, when Carlchen ate!

“Yes, and it’s useless to open up,” I added calmly, wanting to distract Elena Ivanovna as soon as possible home, “for our dear Ivan Matveich, in all likelihood, is now floating somewhere in the empyrean.

“My friend,” Ivan Matveich’s voice sounded at that moment quite unexpectedly, astonishing us to the extreme, “my friend, my opinion is to act directly through the overseer’s office, for a German without the help of the police will not understand the truth.

These words, spoken firmly, with weight and expressing an extraordinary presence of mind, at first amazed us so much that we all refused to believe our ears. But, of course, they immediately ran up to the crocodile box and listened to the unfortunate prisoner with as much reverence as distrust. His voice was muffled, thin and even loud, as if coming from a considerable distance from us. It was like when some joker, going into another room and covering his mouth with an ordinary sleeping pillow, begins to shout, wanting to imagine to the audience remaining in the other room how two peasants call to each other in the desert or being separated from each other by a deep ravine - that I I had the pleasure of hearing one day from my acquaintances at Christmas time.

- Ivan Matveich, my friend, so you are alive! Elena Ivanovna babbled.

“Alive and well,” answered Ivan Matveich, “and, thanks to the Almighty, it was swallowed without any damage. I worry only about how the authorities will look at this episode; for, having received a ticket abroad, he landed in a crocodile, which is not even witty ...

“But, my friend, do not worry about wit; First of all, we need to get you out of here somehow,” interrupted Elena Ivanovna.

- Pick! - shouted the owner. - I will not let the crocodile pick. Now the public will have a lot more time to go, and I'll ask for fufzig kopecks, and Karlchen will stop lapping.

“Got zey dunk!” the hostess picked up.

“They are right,” Ivan Matveich remarked calmly, “the economic principle comes first.

“My friend,” I shouted, “I’m flying to the authorities right now and I’ll complain, because I have a presentiment that we won’t be able to cook this porridge alone.

“And I also think,” Ivan Matveich remarked, “but without an economic reward it is difficult in our age of trade crisis to rip open a crocodile’s belly for nothing, and meanwhile the inevitable question arises: what will the owner take for his crocodile? and with him another: who will pay? because you know I don't have the means...

“Unless on account of a salary,” I remarked timidly, but the owner immediately interrupted me:

- I do not sell the crocodile, I sell the crocodile for three thousand, I sell the crocodile for four thousand! Now the public will have a lot of walking. I sell five thousand crocodile!

In a word, he swaggered unbearably; covetousness and vile greed shone joyfully in his eyes.

- I'm going! I shouted indignantly.

- And I! and me too! I will go to Andrey Osipych himself, I will soften him with my tears,” Elena Ivanovna whined.

“Don’t do that, my friend,” Ivan Matveitch hastily interrupted her, for he had long been jealous of his wife for Andrey Osipich and knew that she was glad to go and cry in front of an educated person, because tears came to her very much. “Yes, and I don’t advise you, my friend,” he continued, turning to me, “there’s nothing to go straight from the floundering bay; what else will come of it. And you better come by today, so, in the form of a private visit, to Timofey Semyonitch. He is an old-fashioned and narrow-minded man, but solid and, most importantly, direct. Bow to him from me and describe the circumstances of the case. Since I owe him seven rubles for the last mess, give them to him at this opportunity: this will soften the stern old man. In any case, his advice can serve as a guide for us. Now take Elena Ivanovna away for now... Calm down, my friend," he continued to her, "I'm tired of all these screams and women's squabbles and I want to sleep a little. Here it is warm and soft, although I have not yet had time to look around in this unexpected shelter for me ...

– Look around! Is it light for you? Yelena Ivanovna exclaimed, overjoyed.

“A deep night surrounds me,” answered the poor prisoner, “but I can feel and, so to speak, look around with my hands ... Farewell, be calm and do not deny yourself entertainment. Till tomorrow! You, Semyon Semyonitch, visit me in the evening, and since you are absent-minded and can forget, then tie a knot ...

I confess that I was glad to leave, because I was too tired, and partly bored. Hastily taking by the arm the despondent, but prettier with excitement, Elena Ivanovna, I quickly led her out of the crocodile room.

- In the evening for the entrance again a quarter! the owner called after us.

“Oh my God, how greedy they are!” - said Elena Ivanovna, looking into every mirror in the piers of the Passage and, apparently, realizing that she had grown prettier.

“An economic principle,” I replied with slight excitement and pride in my lady in front of passers-by.

“The economic principle…” she drawled in a sympathetic voice, “I didn’t understand anything that Ivan Matveitch was just saying about this nasty economic principle.

“I will explain to you,” I answered, and immediately began to talk about the beneficial results of attracting foreign capital to our fatherland, which I had read about in the morning in Petersburg News and in Volos.

- How strange it all is! she interrupted after listening for a while. - Yes, stop it, nasty; what nonsense are you talking about ... Tell me, am I very red?