• ×

    • Crocodile. Extraordinary Event or Passage within a Passage

    08.03.2019

    Fedor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky

    Crocodile

    UNUSUAL EVENT, OR A PASSAGE IN A PASSAGE, a fair story about how one gentleman, famous years and of known appearance, was swallowed alive by a passage crocodile, all without a trace, and what came of it.

    Oh, Lambert! Ou est Lambert?

    As-tu vu Lambert?

    On this thirteenth of January of the current sixty-fifth year, at half past one in the afternoon, Elena Ivanovna, the wife of Ivan Matveitch, my educated friend, colleague and partly distant relative, wished to see a crocodile shown for a certain fee in the Passage. Having already in his pocket his ticket for traveling abroad (not so much because of illness as out of curiosity) and, consequently, already counting on leave from work and, therefore, being completely free that morning, Ivan Matveich not only did not prevent an irresistible desire his wife, but even he was kindled with curiosity. " Great idea, - he said with all satisfaction, - let's examine the crocodile! If you are going to Europe, it is not bad to get acquainted with the natives inhabiting it on the spot, ”and with these words, taking his wife by the arm, he immediately went with her to the Passage. I, as usual, tagged along with them - in the form of a domestic friend. Never before have I seen Ivan Matveitch in a more pleasant frame of mind than on that memorable morning for me - truly, we do not know our fate in advance! Entering the Passage, he immediately began to admire the splendor of the building, and going up to the store, which showed a monster newly brought to the capital, he himself wished to pay a quarter to the crocodile for me, which had never happened to him before. Entering a small room, we noticed that in addition to a crocodile there were also parrots from a foreign breed of cockatoo and, moreover, a group of monkeys in a special cupboard in a recess. At the very entrance, against the left wall, stood a large tin box in the form of a kind of bathtub, covered with a strong iron mesh, and at the bottom of it there was an inch of water. In this shallow puddle, a huge crocodile was preserved, lying like a log, completely motionless and, apparently, deprived of all its abilities from our damp and inhospitable climate for foreigners. This monster did not arouse much curiosity in any of us at first.

    So it's a crocodile! - said Elena Ivanovna in a voice of regret and in a singsong voice, - but I thought he was ... some other!

    Most likely, she thought he was a diamond. The German, the owner, the owner of the crocodile, who came out to us, looked at us with an extremely proud look.

    He is right,” Ivan Matveitch whispered to me, “for he is aware that he is the only one in all of Russia now showing a crocodile.

    I also attribute this completely absurd remark to the excessively complacent mood that took possession of Ivan Matveich, which in other cases is very envious.

    It seems to me that your crocodile is not alive, - Elena Ivanovna said again, dived by the inflexibility of her owner, and turning to him with a graceful smile in order to bow this rude man - a maneuver so characteristic of women.

    Oh no, madam, - he answered in broken Russian, and immediately, raising the grid of the box to half, began to poke the crocodile in the head with a stick.

    Then the insidious monster, in order to show its signs of life, slightly moved its paws and tail, lifted its snout and emitted something like a long sniff.

    Well, don't be angry, Carlchen! - affectionately said the German, satisfied in his vanity.

    What a nasty crocodile! I was even frightened, - Elena Ivanovna murmured even more coquettishly, - now I will dream of him in a dream.

    But he will not bite you in your sleep, madam, - the German picked up haberdashery and laughed first of all at the wit of his words, but none of us answered him.

    Come on, Semyon Semyonitch,” Elena Ivanovna continued, addressing herself exclusively to me, “let’s have a look at the monkeys. I am terribly fond of monkeys; some of them are so darling ... and the crocodile is terrible.

    Oh, don't be afraid, my friend, Ivan Matveitch shouted after us, pleasantly putting on a brave face in front of his wife. - This sleepy inhabitant of the pharaoh's kingdom will not do anything to us, - and remained at the box. Moreover, taking his glove, he began to tickle the crocodile's nose with it, wanting, as he later admitted, to make him sniff again. The owner followed Elena Ivanovna, as if following a lady, to the cupboard with the monkeys.

    Fedor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky

    Crocodile

    EXTRAORDINARY EVENT, OR A PASSAGE IN A PASSAGE, a fair story about how one gentleman, of known age and well-known appearance, was swallowed alive by a passage crocodile, all without a trace, and what came of it.

    Oh, Lambert! Ou est Lambert?

    As-tu vu Lambert?

    On this thirteenth of January of the current sixty-fifth year, at half past one in the afternoon, Elena Ivanovna, the wife of Ivan Matveitch, my educated friend, colleague and partly distant relative, wished to see a crocodile shown for a certain fee in the Passage. Having already in his pocket his ticket for traveling abroad (not so much because of illness as out of curiosity) and, consequently, already counting on leave from work and, therefore, being completely free that morning, Ivan Matveich not only did not prevent an irresistible desire his wife, but even he was kindled with curiosity. “Great idea,” he said happily, “let's look at the crocodile! If you are going to Europe, it is not bad to get acquainted with the natives inhabiting it on the spot, ”and with these words, taking his wife by the arm, he immediately went with her to the Passage. I, as usual, tagged along with them - in the form of a domestic friend. Never before have I seen Ivan Matveitch in a more pleasant frame of mind than on that memorable morning for me - truly, we do not know our fate in advance! Entering the Passage, he immediately began to admire the splendor of the building, and going up to the store, which showed a monster newly brought to the capital, he himself wished to pay a quarter to the crocodile for me, which had never happened to him before. Entering a small room, we noticed that in addition to a crocodile there were also parrots from a foreign breed of cockatoo and, moreover, a group of monkeys in a special cupboard in a recess. At the very entrance, against the left wall, stood a large tin box in the form of a kind of bathtub, covered with a strong iron mesh, and at the bottom of it there was an inch of water. In this shallow puddle, a huge crocodile was preserved, lying like a log, completely motionless and, apparently, deprived of all its abilities from our damp and inhospitable climate for foreigners. This monster did not arouse much curiosity in any of us at first.

    So it's a crocodile! - said Elena Ivanovna in a voice of regret and in a singsong voice, - but I thought he was ... some other!

    Most likely, she thought he was a diamond. The German, the owner, the owner of the crocodile, who came out to us, looked at us with an extremely proud look.

    He is right,” Ivan Matveitch whispered to me, “for he is aware that he is the only one in all of Russia now showing a crocodile.

    I also attribute this completely absurd remark to the excessively complacent mood that took possession of Ivan Matveich, which in other cases is very envious.

    It seems to me that your crocodile is not alive, - Elena Ivanovna said again, dived by the inflexibility of her owner, and turning to him with a graceful smile in order to bow this rude man - a maneuver so characteristic of women.

    Oh no, madam, - he answered in broken Russian, and immediately, raising the grid of the box to half, began to poke the crocodile in the head with a stick.

    Then the insidious monster, in order to show its signs of life, slightly moved its paws and tail, lifted its snout and emitted something like a long sniff.

    Well, don't be angry, Carlchen! - affectionately said the German, satisfied in his vanity.

    What a nasty crocodile! I was even frightened, - Elena Ivanovna murmured even more coquettishly, - now I will dream of him in a dream.

    But he will not bite you in your sleep, madam, - the German picked up haberdashery and laughed first of all at the wit of his words, but none of us answered him.

    Come on, Semyon Semyonitch,” Elena Ivanovna continued, addressing herself exclusively to me, “let’s have a look at the monkeys. I am terribly fond of monkeys; some of them are so darling ... and the crocodile is terrible.

    Oh, don't be afraid, my friend, Ivan Matveitch shouted after us, pleasantly putting on a brave face in front of his wife. - This sleepy inhabitant of the pharaoh's kingdom will not do anything to us, - and remained at the box. Moreover, taking his glove, he began to tickle the crocodile's nose with it, wanting, as he later admitted, to make him sniff again. The owner followed Elena Ivanovna, as if following a lady, to the cupboard with the monkeys.

    A fair story about how one gentleman, of known age and well-known appearance, was swallowed alive by a passage crocodile, all without a trace, and what came of it.

    I

    On this thirteenth of January of the current sixty-fifth year, at half past one in the afternoon, Elena Ivanovna, the wife of Ivan Matveitch, my educated friend, colleague and partly distant relative, wished to see a crocodile shown for a certain fee in the Passage. Having already in his pocket his ticket for traveling abroad (not so much because of illness as out of curiosity)—and, consequently, already counting his service on leave and, consequently, being completely free that morning—Ivan Matveitch not only did not prevent an insurmountable the desire of his wife, but even he himself kindled with curiosity. “Great idea,” he said with all satisfaction, “let's look at the crocodile! If you are going to Europe, it is not bad to get acquainted with the natives inhabiting it on the spot, ”and with these words, taking his wife by the arm, he immediately went with her to the Passage. I, as usual, tagged along with them - in the form of a domestic friend. Never before have I seen Ivan Matveitch in a more pleasant frame of mind than on that memorable morning for me—truly, we do not know our fate in advance! Entering the Passage, he immediately began to admire the splendor of the building, and going up to the shop, in which the monster again brought to the capital was shown, he himself wished to pay a quarter to the crocodile for me, which had never happened to him before. Entering the small room, we noticed that in in addition to the crocodile, there are also parrots from a foreign breed of cockatoo and, moreover, a group of monkeys in a special closet in the recesses. At the very entrance, against the left wall, stood a large tin box in the form of a kind of bath, covered with a strong iron mesh, and at the bottom of it there was an inch of water. In this shallow puddle, a huge crocodile was preserved, lying like a log, completely motionless and, apparently, deprived of all its abilities from our damp and inhospitable climate for foreigners. This monster did not arouse much curiosity in any of us at first.

    Dostoevsky. Crocodile. audiobook

    So it's a crocodile! - said Elena Ivanovna in a voice of regret and in a singsong voice, - but I thought he was ... some other!

    Most likely, she thought he was a diamond. The German, the owner, the owner of the crocodile, who came out to us, looked at us with an extremely proud look.

    “He is right,” Ivan Matveitch whispered to me, “because he is aware that he is the only one in all of Russia now showing a crocodile.

    I also attribute this completely absurd remark to the excessively complacent mood that took possession of Ivan Matveich, which in other cases is very envious.

    “It seems to me that your crocodile is not alive,” Elena Ivanovna said again, peaked at her master’s obstinacy, and turning to him with a graceful smile in order to bow this rude man, a maneuver so characteristic of women.

    “Oh no, madam,” he answered in broken Russian, and immediately, raising the net of the box to half, began to poke the crocodile in the head with a stick.

    Then the insidious monster, in order to show its signs of life, slightly moved its paws and tail, raised its snout and emitted something like a long sniff.

    “Well, don’t be angry, Carlchen! the German said affectionately, satisfied in his vanity.

    What a disgusting crocodile! I was even frightened, Elena Ivanovna murmured even more coquettishly, - now I will dream of him in a dream.

    “But he won’t bite you in your sleep, madam,” the German picked up haberdashery and laughed first of all at the wit of his words, but none of us answered him.

    “Come on, Semyon Semyonitch,” Elena Ivanovna continued, addressing herself exclusively to me, “let’s have a look at the monkeys.” I am terribly fond of monkeys; some of them are such darlings ... and the crocodile is terrible.

    “Oh, don’t be afraid, my friend,” Ivan Matveich shouted after us, pleasantly putting on a brave face in front of his wife. - This sleepy inhabitant of the Pharaoh's kingdom will not do anything to us, - and remained at the box. Moreover, taking his glove, he began to tickle the crocodile's nose with it, wanting, as he later admitted, to make him sniff again. The owner followed Elena Ivanovna, as if following a lady, to the cupboard with the monkeys.

    Thus, everything went perfectly, and nothing could be foreseen. Elena Ivanovna, even to the point of playfulness, amused herself with the monkeys and seemed to give herself over to them. She screamed with pleasure, constantly turning to me, as if not wanting to pay any attention to the owner, and laughed at the similarity she noticed of these monkeys with her short acquaintances and friends. I also cheered, for the resemblance was undeniable. The German proprietor did not know whether to laugh or not, and therefore, in the end, he completely frowned. And at that very moment, suddenly, a terrible, I can even say, unnatural scream shook the room. Not knowing what to think, I first froze in place; but, noticing that Elena Ivanovna was already screaming, he quickly turned around and—what did I see! I saw - oh my! - I saw the unfortunate Ivan Matveich in the terrible jaws of a crocodile, intercepted by them across the body, already raised horizontally into the air and desperately dangling his legs in it. Then a moment - and he was gone. But I will describe in detail, because I stood motionless all the time and managed to see the whole process that was happening in front of me with such attention and curiosity that I can’t even remember. “For,” I thought at that fateful moment, “what if, instead of Ivan Matveitch, all this happened to me, what a nuisance it would be to me!” But to the point. The crocodile began by turning poor Ivan Matveitch in his terrible jaws towards him with his feet, and first swallowed the feet themselves; then, belching a little Ivan Matveitch, who was trying to jump out and clinging to the box with his hands, again drew him into himself, already above the waist. Then, burping again, he swallowed again and again. Thus Ivan Matveich apparently disappeared in our eyes. Finally, having swallowed completely, the crocodile absorbed all my educated friend and this time without a trace. On the surface of the crocodile, one could notice how Ivan Matveich with all his forms was passing through his insides. I was about to scream again, when suddenly fate once again wanted to treacherously play a trick on us: the crocodile strained, probably choking on the hugeness of the object he had swallowed, again opened his entire terrible mouth, and from it, in the form of the last belch, suddenly jumped out for one second Ivan Matveitch's head, with a desperate expression on his face, and his glasses instantly fell from his nose to the bottom of the box. It seemed that this desperate head had jumped out just for that, in order to cast one last glance at all objects and mentally say goodbye to all worldly pleasures. But she did not have time in her intention: the crocodile gathered strength again, took a sip - and in an instant she disappeared again, this time forever. This coming and going is still alive human head it was so terrible, but at the same time - whether from the speed and unexpectedness of the action or as a result of glasses falling off the nose - it contained something so funny that I suddenly and quite unexpectedly snorted; but, realizing that it was indecent for me to laugh at such a moment as a domestic friend, he immediately turned to Elena Ivanovna and said to her with a sympathetic air:

    - Now kaput our Ivan Matveich!

    I can’t even think of expressing to what extent Elena Ivanovna’s excitement was intense during the whole process. At first, after the first cry, she seemed to freeze in place and looked at the mess that seemed to her, apparently indifferently, but with extremely bulging eyes; then suddenly burst into a tearing cry, but I grabbed her by the hands. At that moment, the owner, who at first was also dumbfounded with horror, suddenly threw up his hands and shouted, looking at the sky:

    “Oh my crocodile, oh mein allerlibster Karlchen! Mutter, mutter, mutter!

    At this cry, the back door opened and a mutter appeared, in a cap, ruddy, elderly, but disheveled, and with a screech rushed to her German.

    It was then that the sodom began: Elena Ivanovna shouted out, like a frenzy, only one word: “Rip it up! rip it up!" - and rushed to the owner and to the mutter, apparently begging them - probably in self-forgetfulness - to rip someone up for something. The owner and mutter paid no attention to either of us: they both howled like calves near the box.

    - He's a wreck, he's about to gobble up, because he's swallowed up a Ghanaian official! shouted the owner.

    - Unzer Karlchen, Unzer Allerlibster Karlchen vird stern! howled the hostess.

    - We are orphans and without kleb! - picked up the owner.

    - Rip, Rip, Rip! Elena Ivanovna burst into laughter, clutching at the German's frock coat.

    - He teased the crocodile - why did your husband tease the crocodile! - shouted, fighting back, the German, - you will pay if Karlchen wird lopal, - yes var mein zon, das var mein einziger zon!

    I confess that I was terribly indignant at seeing such selfishness in a visiting German and the dryness of his heart in his disheveled mutter; nevertheless, the incessantly repeated cries of Elena Ivanovna: "Rip it up, rip it up!" - aroused my anxiety even more and finally attracted all my attention, so that I was even frightened ... I will say in advance - these strange exclamations were completely misunderstood by me: it seemed to me that Elena Ivanovna lost her mind for a moment, but nevertheless, wanting to note for the death of her beloved Ivan Matveich, offered, in the form of satisfaction to be followed, to punish the crocodile with rods. But meanwhile, she understood something completely different. Glancing at the door, not without embarrassment, I began to beg Elena Ivanovna to calm down and, most importantly, not to use the delicate word "to rip open." For such a retrograde desire here, in the very heart of the Passage and educated society, a stone's throw from the very hall where, perhaps at that very moment, Mr. Lavrov was giving a public lecture, was not only impossible, but even unthinkable, and from a minute to a minute could attract the whistles of education and the caricatures of Mr. Stepanov to us. To my horror, I immediately turned out to be right in my timid suspicions: suddenly the curtain separated the crocodile room from the entrance closet, in which the quarters were collected, and a figure with a mustache, a beard and a cap in his hands, very strongly bending his upper body forward and very prudently trying to keep her feet outside the threshold of the crocodile, in order to reserve the right not to pay for the entrance.

    “Such a retrograde desire, madam,” said the stranger, trying not to somehow roll over to us and stand outside the threshold, “does not honor your development and is due to a lack of phosphorus in your brains. You will immediately be booed in the chronicle of progress and in the satirical sheets of our ...

    But he did not finish: the owner, who came to his senses, seeing with horror a man talking in a crocodile room and not paying anything for it, rushed furiously at the progressive stranger and with both fists pushed him in the neck. For a moment both disappeared from our eyes behind a curtain, and only then did I finally guess that the whole mess had come out of nothing; Elena Ivanovna turned out to be completely innocent: she did not at all think, as I already noted above, of subjecting the crocodile to a retrograde and humiliating punishment with rods, but simply wished that they would only cut open his belly with a knife and thus free Ivan Matveich from his insides.

    - How! wi hatit my crocodile perish! - yelled the owner, who ran in again, - no, let your husband first go to hell, and then the crocodile! .. Maine Vater showed the crocodile, Maine Grosvater showed the crocodile, Mainezone will show the crocodile, and I will show the crocodile! Everyone will show the crocodile! I am a gantz Europe is known, but you are unknown gantz Europe and I pay a fine.

    - Me, me! - the vicious German woman picked up, - don’t let me in, fine, when Carlchen ate!

    “Yes, and it’s useless to open up,” I added calmly, wanting to distract Elena Ivanovna as soon as possible home, “for our dear Ivan Matveich, in all likelihood, is floating, now somewhere in the empyrean.

    “My friend,” Ivan Matveich’s voice sounded at that moment completely, unexpectedly, astonishing us to the extreme, “my friend, my opinion is to act directly through the overseer’s office, for a German without the help of the police will not understand the truth.

    These words, spoken firmly, with weight and expressing an extraordinary presence of mind, at first amazed us so much that we all refused to believe our ears. But, of course, they immediately ran up to the crocodile box and listened to the unfortunate prisoner with as much reverence as distrust. His voice was muffled, thin and even loud, as if coming from a considerable distance from us. It was like when some joker, going into another room and covering his mouth with an ordinary sleeping pillow, begins to shout, wanting to imagine to the audience remaining in the other room how two peasants call to each other in the desert or being separated from each other by a deep ravine - that I I had the pleasure of hearing one day from my acquaintances at Christmas time.

    - Ivan Matveich, my friend, so you are alive! Elena Ivanovna babbled.

    - Alive and well, - answered Ivan Matveich, - and thanks to the Almighty it was swallowed without any damage. I worry only about how the authorities will look at this episode; for, having received a ticket abroad, he landed in a crocodile, which is not even witty ...

    “But, my friend, do not worry about wit; First of all, we need to get you out of here somehow,” interrupted Elena Ivanovna.

    - Pick! - cried the owner, - I will not let the crocodile pick. Now the public will have a lot more time to go, and I'll ask for fufzig kopecks, and Karlchen will stop lapping.

    - How strange it all is! she interrupted, after listening for a while, “come on, you nasty one; what nonsense are you talking about ... Tell me, am I very red?

    - You are beautiful, not red! I remarked, taking the opportunity to compliment him.

    - Scamp! she murmured smugly. “Poor Ivan Matveitch,” she added after a minute, coquettishly bowing her head on her shoulder, “I really feel sorry for him, oh my God! she suddenly cried out, “tell me, how will he eat there today and ... and ... how will he ... if he needs something?

    “An unforeseen question,” I answered, also puzzled. In truth, it never occurred to me, women are so much more practical than us men in solving everyday problems!

    “Poor thing, how did he get so into it… and no entertainment and it’s dark… how annoying that I didn’t have his photographic card left… So, I’m kind of a widow now,” she added with a seductive smile, obviously interested in her new position, “hm…” I still feel sorry for him!

    In a word, a very understandable and natural longing for the young and interesting wife about her dead husband. I brought her home at last, reassured her, and having dined with her, after a cup of fragrant coffee, went to Timofey Semyonitch's at six o'clock, reckoning that at that hour all family people certain occupations sit or lie at home.

    Having written this first chapter in a style appropriate to the event narrated, I intend to continue using the style, although not so exalted, but more natural, about which I inform the reader in advance.

    II

    The venerable Timofey Semyonitch met me somehow hastily and seemed to be a little confused. He led me into his cramped office and tightly closed the door: "So that the children do not interfere," he said with visible concern. Then he seated me on a chair at the desk, sat down himself in an armchair, wrapped the hems of his old wadded dressing gown and, just in case, assumed some official, even almost stern air, although he was not at all my or Ivan Matveich's boss, but was still considered an ordinary colleague and even acquaintances.

    “First of all,” he began, “take into account that I am not the boss, but just the same subordinate person, just like you, like Ivan Matveich ... I am on the sidelines and do not intend to get involved in anything.

    I was surprised that he seemed to already know all this. Despite having told him again the whole story in detail. I even spoke with emotion, for at that moment I was fulfilling the duty of a true friend. He listened without much surprise, but with clear sign suspicion.

    “Imagine,” he said, after listening, “I always thought that this would certainly happen to him.

    “Why, sir, Timofey Semyonitch, the case itself is very unusual, sir…”

    - Agree. But Ivan Matveitch, during the whole course of his service, tended towards such a result. Quick, sir, arrogant even. All "progress" yes different ideas from, but where progress leads!

    “But this is the most unusual case, and general rule for all progressives it cannot be put in any way ...

    - No, that's the way it is. This, you see, comes from excessive education, believe me, sir. For overly educated people climb into any place, sir, and mainly where they are not asked at all. However, perhaps you know more,” he added, as if offended. - I am not so educated and old; I started with the children of soldiers, and my fiftieth anniversary of this year has begun in my service, sir.

    - Oh no, Timofey Semyonitch, have mercy. On the contrary, Ivan Matveitch is thirsty for your advice, he is thirsty for your guidance. Even, so to speak, with tears, sir.

    - "So to speak with tears, sir." Um. Well, those are crocodile tears, and you can't quite trust them. Well, why, tell me, pulled him abroad? And for what money? He doesn't have any money, does he?

    “On the accumulated money, Timofey Semyonitch, from the last awards,” I answered plaintively. - I wanted to go for only three months - to Switzerland ... to the homeland of William Tell.

    - William Tell? Hm!

    - I wanted to meet spring in Naples, sir. Explore the museum, manners, animals…

    - Hm! animals? And I think it's just out of pride. What animals? Animals? Don't we have enough animals? There are menageries, museums, camels. Bears live near Petersburg. Yes, he himself sat down in a crocodile ...

    “Timofei Semyonitch, have mercy, a man is in misfortune, a man resorts to him as to a friend, as to an older relative, he longs for advice, and you reproach him ... Have pity on the unfortunate Elena Ivanovna!

    - Are you talking about your wife? An interesting lady,” said Timofey Semyonitch, evidently softening up and taking a sniff of tobacco with relish. - The person is slender. And how full, and the head is all so on the side, on the side ... very pleasant, sir. Andrey Osipych mentioned it as early as the third day.

    - Did you mention it?

    - I mentioned it, and in very flattering terms. Bust, says, look, hairstyle ... Candy, says, not a lady, and they immediately laughed. They are still young people. Timofey Semyonitch blew his nose with a bang. “And meanwhile, here is a young man, and what a career they make for themselves, sir ...

    “But it’s quite different here, Timofei Semyonitch.

    - Of course, of course, sir.

    “So how is it, Timofei Semyonitch?”

    – Yes, what can I do?

    - Advise, sir, guide, like an experienced person, like a relative! What to do? Whether to go to the authorities or ...

    - By superiors? By no means, sir," said Timofey Semyonitch hurriedly. - If you want advice, then first of all you need to hush up this matter and act, so to speak, in the form of a private person. The case is suspicious, sir, and unprecedented. The main thing, unprecedented, there was no example, sir, and badly recommending ... Therefore, caution is first of all ... Let him lie down there. We have to wait, wait...

    “But how can we wait, Timofey Semyonitch?” So what if he suffocates in there?

    - Yes, why, sir? After all, I think you said that he even settled down with contented comfort?

    I told everything again. Timofey Semyonitch thought for a moment.

    - Hm! he said, fiddling with the snuff-box in his hands. Let him think at his leisure; of course, there is no need to suffocate, and therefore it is necessary to take appropriate measures to maintain health: well, there, beware of coughing and other things ... As for the German, then, in my personal opinion, he is in his right, and even more than the other side, because they climbed into his crocodile without asking, but he didn’t climb into Ivan Matveichev’s crocodile without asking, who, however, as far as I remember, did not have his own crocodile. Well, sir, and the crocodile is property, therefore, without remuneration it is impossible to cut it up, sir.

    - For the salvation of mankind, Timofey Semyonitch.

    “Well, it’s up to the police, sir. That's where you should go.

    “Why, Ivan Matveich may be needed here too. It may be required.

    "Do you need Ivan Matveich?" hehe! Besides, after all, he is considered on vacation, therefore, we can ignore it, and let him inspect European lands there. It’s another matter if he doesn’t show up after the deadline, well then we’ll ask, we’ll make inquiries ...

    - Three months! Timofei Semyonitch, have mercy!

    - It's my fault, sir. Well, who put it there? Somehow, perhaps, he will have to hire a state nanny, sir, and this is not supposed to be done by the state. And most importantly - the crocodile is property, therefore, there is already the so-called economic principle in action. And first of all, the economic principle, sir. As early as the third day at Luka Andreevich's party, Ignatius Prokofich said, Do you know Ignatii Prokofich? A capitalist, in business, sir, and, you know, fluently says this: “We need industry, we have little industry. She must be born. It is necessary to give birth to capital, which means that the middle class, the so-called bourgeoisie, must be born. And since we do not have capital, it means that we need to attract them from abroad. It is necessary, firstly, to give way to foreign companies to buy up our lands piece by piece, as is now approved everywhere abroad. Community property is poison, he says, death! - And, you know, he says it with passion; well, it’s decent for them: capital people ... and not employees. - With the community, he says, neither industry nor agriculture will rise. It is necessary, he says, that foreign companies buy up, if possible, all our land in parts, and then crush, crush, crush as much as possible into small plots, and you know, he resolutely says this: crush, he says, and then sell into personal property. And not to sell, but simply to rent. When, he says, all the land will be in the hands of attracted foreign companies, then, then, you can set any price for rent. Consequently, the muzhik will already work three times, from one daily bread, and he can be driven out at any time. This means that he will feel, be submissive, diligent, and work out three times for the same price. And now in the community what is he! He knows that he will not die of hunger, well, he is lazy and drinks. Meanwhile, money will be attracted to us, and capital will be brought in, and the bourgeoisie will go. Look, the English political and literary newspaper The Times, analyzing our finances, commented the other day that because our finances are not growing, because we don’t have a middle class, we don’t have big purses, there are no obliging proletarians ... ”Ignaty Prokofiich says well. Speaker-s. He himself wants to submit a review to his superiors and then publish it in Izvestia. These are not poems, like Ivan Matveich ...

    “So what about Ivan Matveich?” - I screwed, giving the old man a chat. Timofey Semyonitch sometimes liked to chat and show that he had not fallen behind and knew all this.

    "Ivan Matveich, how are you?" So I'm leaning towards that, sir. We ourselves are fussing about attracting foreign capital to the fatherland, but judge: as soon as the capital of the attracted crocodile has doubled through Ivan Matveich, and we, in order to patronize the foreign owner, on the contrary, are trying to rip open the belly of the fixed capital itself. Well, is it appropriate? In my opinion, Ivan Matveich, as a true son of the fatherland, should still rejoice and be proud of the fact that with himself the value of a foreign crocodile has doubled, and perhaps even tripled. This is necessary to attract, sir. If one succeeds, you look, and another will come with a crocodile, and the third will bring two or three at once, and capitals are grouped around them. That's the bourgeoisie. Should be encouraged.

    “Have mercy, Timofei Semyonitch! I cried, “you demand almost unnatural self-sacrifice from poor Ivan Matveitch!

    “I don’t demand anything, sir, and first of all I ask you - as I asked you before - to understand that I am not the authorities and, therefore, I can’t demand anything from anyone. I speak as a son of the fatherland, that is, I speak not as a “Son of the fatherland”, but simply as a son of the fatherland I speak. Again, who told him to get into the crocodile? A respectable man, a man of a well-known rank, legally married, and suddenly - such a step! Is it appropriate?

    “But this step happened by accident, sir.

    - Who knows? And besides, from what amounts to pay the crocodile, tell me?

    - Is it on account of salary, Timofey Semyonitch?

    - Will it get it?

    “Not enough, Timofey Semyonitch,” I replied sadly. - At first the crocodile was afraid that the crocodile would burst, and then, as he was convinced that everything was all right, he put on airs and was glad that he could double the price.

    - Triple, quadruple! The public will now rush in, and the crocodiles are a clever people. Moreover, he is also a meat-eater, he has a penchant for amusements, and therefore, I repeat, first of all, let Ivan Matveitch observe incognito, let him not be in a hurry. Let everyone, perhaps, know that he is in a crocodile, but they do not know officially. In this respect, Ivan Matveich is even in particularly favorable circumstances, because he is listed abroad. They'll say it's in a crocodile, but we won't believe it. It can be summed up like this. The main thing - let him wait, and where should he rush?

    - Well, what if...

    - Do not worry, the addition of a dense-s ...

    - Well, then, when will it wait?

    “Well, I won’t hide from you that the case is extremely casus. It’s impossible to figure it out, sir, and, most importantly, it hurts that there hasn’t been an example of this until now. If we had an example, we could still be guided somehow. And then how do you decide? You begin to think, and the matter will be delayed.

    A happy thought flashed through my head.

    “Couldn’t it be arranged like this,” I said, “that if he is destined to remain in the bowels of the monster and, by the will of providence, his stomach is preserved, is it possible to apply to him to be listed in the service?

    - Hm ... perhaps in the form of a vacation and without a salary ...

    - No, sir, is it possible with a salary, sir?

    - On what basis? - As a business trip...

    - Which one and where?

    - Yes, into the bowels, the bowels of the crocodile ... So to speak, for information, to study the facts on the spot. Of course, this will be new, but it is progressive and at the same time it will show concern for enlightenment, sir...

    Timofey Semyonitch thought for a moment.

    “To send a special official,” he said at last, “to the bowels of a crocodile for special assignments, in my personal opinion, is ridiculous, sir. Not allowed by the state. And what kind of assignments can there be?

    - Yes, for the natural, so to speak, study of nature on the spot, live, sir. All gone now natural sciences, botany ... He would live there and report, sir ... well, there about digestion or just about morals. For the accumulation of facts, s.

    - That is, it is in terms of statistics. Well, I'm not strong in this, and I'm not a philosopher either. You say: facts - we are already inundated with facts and do not know what to do with them. However, this statistic is dangerous...

    - With what?

    - Dangerous. And besides, you see, he will report the facts, so to speak, lying on his side. Is it possible to serve lying on your side? This is again an innovation, and a dangerous one at that; and again, there was no such example. Now, if we had at least some example, then, in my opinion, perhaps, we could send them on a business trip.

    “But they haven’t brought living crocodiles up to now, Timofey Semyonitch.

    “Um, yes…” he thought again. - If you like, this objection of yours is just and could even serve as a basis for further proceedings. But again, take the fact that if, with the appearance of live crocodiles, employees begin to disappear and then, on the basis of the fact that it is warm and soft there, they will demand business trips there, and then lie on their side ... agree yourself - a bad example, sir. After all, like that, perhaps, everyone will climb there for nothing to take money.

    - Please, Timofey Semyonitch! By the way, sir: Ivan Matveich asked me to give you a card debt, seven rubles, in jumble, sir ...

    “Oh, he lost the other day, at Nikifor Nikiforitch!” I remember, sir. And how merry he was then, how he made me laugh, and behold!..

    The old man was genuinely touched.

    - Please, Timofey Semyonitch.

    - I'll do it. I will speak on my own behalf, privately, in the form of a certificate. And yet, find out in this way, unofficially, from the outside, what price would the owner agree to take for his crocodile?

    Timofey Semyonitch has apparently improved.

    “Certainly, sir,” I answered, “and I will immediately come to you with a report.

    - Is your wife ... alone now? Bored?

    - You should visit, Timofey Semyonitch.

    “I’ll visit, sir, I thought about it just now, and the opportunity is convenient ... And why, why did it bother him to look at a crocodile!” However, I would like to see it myself.

    - Visit the poor, Timofey Semyonitch.

    - I'll let you know. Of course, I don't want to give hope with this step. I will arrive as a private person ... Well, goodbye, I'm back to Nikifor Nikiforovich; will you?

    - No, sir, I'm going to the prisoner.

    - Yes, sir, now to the prisoner! .. Eh, frivolity!

    I said goodbye to the old man. Various thoughts went through my head. kind and honest man Timofei Semyonitch, but as I left him I was glad that he was already 50 years old and that Timofei Semyonitch was now a rarity among us. Of course, I immediately flew to the Passage to inform poor Ivan Matveitch about everything. Yes, and curiosity dismantled me: how did he get settled in a crocodile and how is it possible to live in a crocodile? And can you really live in a crocodile? Sometimes, really, it seemed to me that all this was some kind of monstrous dream, especially since it was all about a monster ...

    III

    And yet, it was not a dream, but a real, undoubted reality. Otherwise, would I even begin to tell! But I continue...

    I got to the Passage late, at about nine o'clock, and I had to enter the crocodile room from the back door, because the German had closed the store this time earlier than usual. He was walking around at home in some kind of greasy old frock coat, but he himself was three times more pleased than he had been this morning. It was evident that he was no longer afraid of anything and that "the publicum walked a lot." Mutter came out later, apparently to keep an eye on me. The German and Mutter often whispered. Even though the shop was already closed, he still charged me a quarter. And what an unnecessary precision!

    - Vee will pay every time; the public will be paid a ruble, and you will be paid one quarter, for you are good friends of yours, good friends, and I respect others ...

    - Is my educated friend alive, is he alive! I cried loudly, going up to the crocodile and hoping that my words would still reach Ivan Matveitch from afar and flatter his vanity.

    “Alive and well,” he answered, as if from afar, or as if from under the bed, although I was standing next to him, “alive and well, but more on that later ... How are you?”

    As if deliberately not hearing the question, I started with participation and haste to ask him myself: how is he, what is he and what is like in a crocodile, and what is inside a crocodile in general? This was required both by friendship and ordinary courtesy. But he capriciously and angrily interrupted me.

    - How are you? he shouted, commanding me as usual, in his shrill voice, this time exceedingly disgusting.

    I related my whole conversation with Timofey Semyonitch to latest details. In speaking, I tried to show a slightly offended tone.

    "The old man is right," Ivan Matveitch decided as sharply as he always did in conversations with me. “I love practical people and can’t stand sweet mumbles. I am ready, however, to confess that your idea of ​​a business trip is not entirely absurd. Indeed, I can tell a lot both scientifically and morally. But now it all takes on a new and unexpected aspect, and it is not worth bothering with just a salary. Listen carefully. You are sitting?

    - No, I'm standing.

    - Sit on something, well, at least on the floor, and listen carefully.

    Angrily, I took a chair and in my hearts, setting it up, knocked it on the floor.

    “Listen,” he began imperiously, “a whole abyss of people came today. By evening there was not enough room, and the police came to order. At eight o'clock, that is, earlier than usual, the owner even found it necessary to lock up the store and stop the show in order to count the money raised and make it more convenient to prepare for tomorrow. I know that tomorrow there will be a whole fair. Thus, it must be assumed that all the most educated people of the capital, ladies high society, foreign envoys, lawyers and others stay here. Not only that: they will come from the many-sided provinces of our vast and curious empire. As a result, I am in front of everyone, and although hidden, I excel. I will teach the idle crowd. Taught by experience, I will present myself as an example of greatness and humility before fate! I will be, so to speak, a pulpit from which I will begin to instruct mankind. Even the natural scientific information that I can communicate about the monster I inhabit is precious, And therefore, not only do I not complain about the recent event, but I firmly hope for the most brilliant of careers.

    - Wouldn't it be boring? I remarked venomously.

    What pissed me off the most was that he almost completely stopped using personal pronouns - he was so arrogant. However, it all baffled me. “Why, why is this frivolous head swaggering! I rasped in a whisper to myself. “Here you should cry, not swagger.”

    - No! - he answered sharply to my remark, - for everyone is imbued with great ideas, only now I can dream at my leisure about improving the fate of all mankind. Truth and light will now come out of the crocodile. I will definitely invent a new one own theory new economic relations and I will be proud of it - which I could not hitherto due to lack of time at work and in the vulgar entertainments of the world. I will refute everything and I will be a new Fourier. By the way, did you give seven rubles to Timofey Semyonitch?

    “From my own,” I answered, trying to express in my voice that I paid from my own.

    "Let's settle," he replied arrogantly. - I am definitely waiting for an increase in salary, because who should increase it if not me? The benefit to me is now endless. But to the point. Wife?

    – You are probably asking about Elena Ivanovna?

    – Wife?! he shouted, even with a squeal this time.

    There was nothing to do! Humbly, but again gnashing my teeth, I told how I had left Elena Ivanovna. He didn't even listen.

    “I have special views on her,” he began impatiently, “if I am famous here, I want her to be famous there. Scientists, poets, philosophers, visiting mineralogists, statesmen, after a morning conversation with me, will visit her salon in the evenings. From next week, her salons should begin every evening. A double salary will provide funds for the reception, and since the reception should be limited to one tea and hired lackeys, then that's the end of the matter. And here and there they will talk about me. For a long time I have longed for an opportunity for everyone to talk about me, but I could not achieve it, constrained by low significance and insufficient rank. Now all this has been achieved with some most ordinary crocodile gulp. Every word of mine will be listened to, every saying will be pondered, transmitted, printed. And I'll ask myself to know! They will finally understand what abilities were allowed to disappear in the depths of the monster. “This man could be a foreign minister and rule the kingdom,” some will say. “And this man did not rule over a foreign kingdom,” others will say. Well, why, well, why am I worse than some Garnier-Pagesis or whatever? .. My wife should make me a pandan - I have a mind, she has beauty and courtesy. “She is beautiful, therefore his wife,” some will say. “She is beautiful because he is his wife,” others will correct. Just in case, let Elena Ivanovna buy tomorrow encyclopedic Dictionary, published under the editorship of Andrei Kraevsky, in order to be able to speak about all subjects. Most often, let the premier-politician “S. - Petersburg news", checking daily with "Volos". I believe that the owner will sometimes agree to bring me, along with the crocodile, to my wife's brilliant salon. I'll be standing in a box in the middle of a splendid living room and spouting the witticisms I've picked up since morning. I will inform the statesman of my projects; with the poet I will speak in rhyme; I will be amusing and morally sweet with the ladies, as it is quite safe for their spouses. To all the rest I will serve as an example of obedience to fate and the will of providence. I will make my wife brilliant literary lady; I will bring it forward and explain it to the public; as my wife, she must be full of the greatest virtues, and if Andrei Alexandrovich is rightly called our Russian Alfred de Musset, then it will be even more fair when they call her our Russian Evgenia Tur.

    I confess that although all this game was somewhat like the usual Ivan Matveitch, it nevertheless occurred to me that he was now in a fever and delirious. It was still the same ordinary and daily Ivan Matveich, but observed through a glass magnifying it twenty times.

    “My friend,” I asked him, “do you hope for longevity? And in general, tell me: are you healthy? How do you eat, how do you sleep, how do you breathe? I am your friend, and you must admit that the case is too supernatural, and therefore my curiosity is too natural.

    “Idle curiosity and nothing else,” he answered sententiously, “but you will be satisfied.” You ask how I settled in the depths of the monster? First, the crocodile, to my surprise, was completely empty. Its inside consists, as it were, of a huge empty bag made of rubber, like those rubber products that are common with us in Gorokhovaya, in Morskaya and, if I am not mistaken, on Voznesensky Prospekt. Otherwise, think, could I fit in it?

    - Is it possible to? I exclaimed in understandable amazement. “Is the crocodile completely empty?”

    "Absolutely," Ivan Matveitch confirmed sternly and impressively. - And, in all likelihood, it is arranged so according to the laws of nature itself. The crocodile has only a mouth equipped with sharp teeth, and in addition to the mouth - a significantly long tail - that's all, for real. In the middle, between these two extremities, there is an empty space surrounded by something like rubber, most likely really rubber.

    - And the ribs, and the stomach, and the intestines, and the liver, and the heart? I interrupted even angrily.

    “N-nothing, absolutely nothing, and probably never happened. All this is an idle fantasy of frivolous travelers. Just as they inflate a hemorrhoidal pillow, so I now inflate a crocodile with myself. It stretches unbelievably. Even you, as a domestic friend, could fit next to me if you had generosity - and even with you there would still be room. I even think of sending Elena Ivanovna here as a last resort. However, such an empty device of a crocodile is completely consistent with the natural sciences. For, suppose, for example, you are given to arrange a new crocodile - naturally, the question arises to you: what is the main property of a crocodile? The answer is clear: swallow people. How to achieve a crocodile with a device so that it swallows people? The answer is even clearer: by making it empty. It has long been decided by physics that nature does not tolerate emptiness. Similarly, the inside of a crocodile must be exactly empty, so as not to endure emptiness, and, consequently, to continuously swallow and be filled with everything that is at hand. And that's the only reasonable reason why all the crocodiles swallow our brother. Not so in the human device: the emptier, for example, the human head, the less it feels the thirst to be filled, and this is the only exception to the general rule. All this is clear to me now, like daylight, I comprehended all this with my own mind and experience, being, so to speak, in the bowels of nature, in her retort, listening to her pulse. Even the etymology agrees with me, for the very name crocodile means gluttony. Crocodile, Crocodillo, is a word, obviously Italian, modern, perhaps, to the ancient Egyptian pharaohs and, obviously, coming from the French root: croquer, which means to eat, eat and generally eat. All this I intend to read in the form of a first lecture to the public gathered in Elena Ivanovna's salon, when they bring me there in a box.

    “My friend, why don’t you take at least a laxative now!” I cried involuntarily. "He's got a fever, a fever, he's hot!" I repeated to myself in horror.

    - Nonsense! he replied contemptuously, “and besides, in my present position it is quite inconvenient. However, I kind of knew that you would talk about laxatives.

    - My friend, how ... how do you eat food now? Did you have lunch today or not?

    – No, but I am full and, most likely, now I will never eat food. And this is also completely understandable: filling the entire inside of the crocodile with myself, I make him forever full. Now you can not feed him for several years. On the other hand, having been fed up with me, he will naturally communicate to me all the vital juices from his body; it's like how some sophisticated coquettes cover themselves and all their forms with raw meatballs at night and then, after taking a morning bath, they become fresh, elastic, juicy and seductive. Thus, feeding the crocodile with myself, I, in return, receive nourishment from it; therefore, we mutually feed each other. But since it is difficult, even for a crocodile, to digest a person like me, then, of course, at the same time he must feel some heaviness in his stomach - which, however, he does not have - and that's why, in order not to cause unnecessary pain monster, I rarely toss and turn from side to side; and even though I could toss and turn, I do not do this out of humanity. This is the only drawback of my present position, and in an allegorical sense, Timofey Semyonitch is justified in calling me a couch potato. But I will prove that even lying on your side - not only that - that only lying on your side can you turn the fate of mankind. All the great ideas and trends of our newspapers and magazines are obviously produced by couch potatoes; that's why they call them armchair ideas, but don't give a damn that they call them that! I will now invent a whole social system, and - you will not believe - how easy it is! One has only to retire somewhere far away in a corner or at least get into a crocodile, close your eyes, and you will immediately invent a whole paradise for all mankind. The moment you left, I immediately set about inventing and have already invented three systems, now I am making a fourth. True, at first it is necessary to refute everything; but from a crocodile it is so easy to refute; moreover, from the crocodile it seems as if all this is becoming more visible ... However, in my position there are still shortcomings, albeit minor ones: the inside of the crocodile is somewhat damp and seems to be covered with mucus and, moreover, it still smells a little like rubber, exactly like from my last year's galoshes. That's it, no more flaws.

    “Ivan Matveich,” I interrupted, “all these are miracles, which I can hardly believe. And don't you, don't you intend to have dinner for the rest of your life?

    “What nonsense are you worrying about, you careless, idle head! I'm telling you about great ideas, and you ... Know that I'm already fed up with some great ideas that lit up the night that surrounded me. However, the good-natured owner of the monster, having agreed with the kindest mutter, decided just now among themselves that they would put a curved metal tube into the crocodile’s mouth every morning, like a pipe, through which I could draw coffee or broth with white bread soaked in it. The pipe has already been ordered in the neighborhood; but I think that this is an unnecessary luxury. I hope to live at least a thousand years, if it is true that crocodiles live for so many years, which, fortunately, I reminded you, do it tomorrow in some natural history and let me know, for I might be mistaken in mixing the crocodile with some other fossil. Only one consideration confuses me a little: since I am dressed in cloth, and I have boots on my feet, the crocodile, obviously, cannot digest me. Moreover, I am alive and therefore resist digesting me with all my will, for it is clear that I do not want to turn into what all food turns into, since this would be too humiliating for me. But I am afraid of one thing: in a thousand years, the cloth of my coat, unfortunately a Russian product, may decay, and then, left without clothes, in spite of all my indignation, I will perhaps begin to digest; and even though during the day I will never allow this and will not allow it, but at night, in a dream, when the will flies away from a person, the most humiliating fate of some potato, pancakes or veal can befall me. This idea infuriates me. For this reason alone, it would be necessary to change the tariff and encourage the import of English cloth, which is stronger and, consequently, will resist nature longer if you get into a crocodile. On the first occasion, I will convey my thought to any of the people of the state, and at the same time to the political observers of our daily Petersburg newspapers. Let them scream. I hope that this is not the only thing they will now borrow from me. I foresee that every morning a whole crowd of them, armed with editorial quarters, will crowd around me to catch my thoughts about yesterday's telegrams. In short, the future appears to me in the most rosy light.

    "Fever, fever!" I whispered to myself.

    - My friend, what about freedom? I said, wanting to fully know his opinion. “After all, you are, so to speak, in a dungeon, while a person should enjoy freedom.

    “You are stupid,” he replied. - Wild people love independence, wise people love order, but there is no order ...

    - Ivan Matveich, have mercy and have mercy!

    - Shut up and listen! he squealed, annoyed that I interrupted him. “I have never soared in spirit as I do now. In my cramped shelter I'm afraid of one thing - literary criticism thick magazines and the whistle of our satirical newspapers. I am afraid that frivolous visitors, fools and envious people, and nihilists in general, will not ridicule me. But I will take action. I look forward to tomorrow's public opinion, and most importantly - the opinion of the newspapers. Report the newspapers tomorrow.

    “All right, tomorrow I’ll bring a whole pile of newspapers here.

    “Tomorrow it is too early to wait for newspaper reviews, because ads are printed only on the fourth day. But from now on, every evening come through the inner passage from the yard. I intend to use you as my secretary. You will read newspapers and magazines to me, and I will dictate my thoughts to you and give you instructions. Especially don't forget telegrams. Every day so that all European telegrams are here. But enough; you probably want to sleep now. Go home and don't think about what I just said about criticism: I'm not afraid of her, for she herself is in a critical situation. One has only to be wise and virtuous, and you will certainly stand on a pedestal. If not Socrates, then Diogenes, or both together, and this is my future role in humanity.

    So frivolously and obsessively (albeit in a fever) Ivan Matveich hurried to speak out to me, like those weak-willed women about whom the proverb says that they cannot keep a secret. And everything that he told me about the crocodile seemed to me very suspicious. Well, how can a crocodile be completely empty? I bet that he boasted in this out of vanity and partly to humiliate me. True, he was sick, and the sick must be respected; but, I confess frankly, I have always hated Ivan Matveitch. All my life, starting from childhood, I wanted and could not get rid of his guardianship. A thousand times I wanted to completely spit with him, and each time I was again drawn to him, as if I still hoped to prove something to him and to mark him for something. This friendship is strange! I can positively say that I was nine-tenths friendly with him out of spite. This time we parted, however, with feeling.

    “Your friend is a very clever man,” the German said to me in an undertone, about to see me off; he listened diligently to our conversation all the time.

    - A propos, - I said, - not to forget, - how much would you charge for your crocodile, in case you decide to buy it from you?

    Ivan Matveitch, who heard the question, waited with curiosity for an answer. It was evident that he did not want the German to take little; at least he somehow especially grunted at my question.

    At first the German did not want to listen, he even got angry.

    “No one dares to buy my own crocodile!” he exclaimed furiously and blushed like a boiled crayfish. - I don't want to sell crocodile. I won't take a million thaler for a crocodile. Today I took one hundred and thirty thalers from the public, and tomorrow I collected ten thousand thalers, and then I collected a hundred thousand thalers every day. I don't want a salesperson!

    Ivan Matveitch even giggled with pleasure.

    Reluctantly, coolly and judiciously, for I was fulfilling the duty of a true friend, I hinted to the extravagant German that his calculations were not entirely correct, that if he collected a hundred thousand every day, then in four days all of Petersburg would be with him, and then there will be no one to collect that God is free in the stomach and death, that the crocodile can somehow burst, and Ivan Matveich can fall ill and die, and so on and so forth.

    The German thought.

    - I will give him drops from the pharmacy, - he said, thoughtfully, - and your friend will not die.

    “Drops and drops,” I said, “but take into account the fact that a lawsuit can be started. The wife of Ivan Matveich may demand her lawful spouse. You now intend to grow rich, but do you intend to assign at least some kind of pension to Elena Ivanovna?

    - No, not mereval! the German answered decisively and sternly.

    - No, don't be mereval! - picked up, even with malice, Mutter.

    “So, isn’t it better for you to take something now, at once, though moderate, but true and solid, than to indulge in obscurity?” I consider it my duty to add that I am not asking you out of idle curiosity alone.

    The German took Mutter and withdrew with her for conferences to a corner where stood a closet with the largest and ugliest monkey in the entire collection.

    - You will see! Ivan Matveitch told me.

    As for me, at that moment I was burning with desire, firstly, to beat the German painfully, secondly, to beat Mutter even more, and thirdly, to beat Ivan Matveich more and more painfully for the boundlessness of his pride. But all this meant nothing in comparison with the answer of the greedy German.

    After consulting with his mutter, he demanded for his crocodile fifty thousand rubles in tickets of the last internal loan with a lottery, a stone house in Gorokhovaya and with it his own pharmacy, and, in addition, the rank of Russian colonel.

    - You see! shouted Ivan Matveitch triumphantly, “I told you! Except for the last insane desire to be promoted to colonel, he is absolutely right, for he fully understands the present value of the monster he is showing. Economic principle first of all!

    - Have mercy! - I shouted furiously to the German, - why do you need a colonel? What feat did you accomplish, what service did you deserve, what military glory did you achieve? Well, aren't you crazy after that?

    - Crazy! - exclaimed the German, offended, - no, I'm a very clever man, and the cherry is a stupid one! I deserved the colonel, because I showed a crocodile, and in it a living corrugated sidil, but a Russian cannot show a crocodile, and in it a living corrugated sidil! I am an extremely smart man and I really want to be a colonel!

    “So goodbye, Ivan Matveitch!” I cried, trembling with rage, and almost ran out of the crocodile room. I felt that another minute, and I could no longer be responsible for myself. The unnatural hopes of these two fools were unbearable. The cold air, refreshing me, somewhat tempered my indignation. Finally, spitting vigorously up to fifteen times in both directions, I took a cab, drove home, undressed, and threw myself into bed. The most annoying thing was that I got to be his secretary. Now die of boredom there every evening, fulfilling the duty of a true friend! I was ready to beat myself up for this, and indeed, having already put out the candle and covered myself with a blanket, I hit myself several times with my fist on the head and on other parts of the body. This relieved me a little, and I finally fell asleep quite soundly, because I was very tired. All night I dreamed of only monkeys, but just before morning I dreamed of Elena Ivanovna ...

    IV

    Monkeys, as I guess, dreamed because they were in the closet of a crocodile, but Elena Ivanovna wrote a special article.

    I will say in advance: I loved this lady; but I'm in a hurry - and I'm in a hurry on courier - to make a reservation: I loved her like a father, no more, no less. I conclude this because many times I have had an irresistible desire to kiss her on the head or on her ruddy cheek. And although I have never carried this out, I confess that I would not refuse to kiss her even on the lips. And not only in the lips, but in the teeth, which always showed up so charmingly, like a row of pretty, matched pearls, when she laughed. She laughed surprisingly often. Ivan Matveich called her, in endearing cases, his "cute absurdity" - a name in the highest degree fair and characteristic. It was a candy lady and nothing more. Therefore, I do not understand at all why the same Ivan Matveich now took it into his head to imagine our Russian Evgenia Tur as his wife? In any case, my dream, if you do not take into account the monkeys, produced on me the most pleasant impression, and, going over in my head over a morning cup of tea all the events of the previous day, I decided to immediately call on Elena Ivanovna on the way to work, which, however, I was obliged to do as a house friend.

    In a tiny room, in front of the bedroom, in their so-called little drawing room, although their big drawing room was also small, on a small elegant sofa, at a small tea table, in some kind of half-air morning vest, Elena Ivanovna was sitting and from a small cup, in which she dipped a tiny cracker, ate coffee. She was seductively pretty, but she seemed to me, too, as if thoughtful.

    - Oh, it's you, you rascal! - she met me with an absent-minded smile, - sit down, anemone, drink coffee. Well, what did you do yesterday? Were you in a masquerade?

    – Have you been? I don’t go… besides, I visited our prisoner yesterday…

    I sighed and, taking my coffee, made a pious face.

    - Whom? What kind of prisoner is this? Oh yes! Poor thing! Well, is he bored? You know... I wanted to ask you... Can I ask for a divorce now?

    - Divorce! I yelled indignantly and nearly spilled my coffee. "This is a black man!" I thought to myself furiously.

    There was a certain dark-haired man with a mustache who served in the construction department, who too often went to them and was extremely able to make Elena Ivanovna laugh. I confess that I hated him, and there was no doubt that he had managed to see Elena Ivanovna yesterday, either at the masquerade, or, perhaps, even here, and uttered all sorts of nonsense to her!

    “Yes, well,” Elena Ivanovna suddenly hurried, as if she had learned something, “why he will sit there in a crocodile and, perhaps, he won’t come all his life, but I’ll wait for him here!” A husband should live at home, not in a crocodile ...

    “But this is an unforeseen event,” I began in understandable excitement.

    “Ah, no, don’t say, I don’t want, I don’t want!” she cried, suddenly quite angry. - You are always opposite me, such a worthless one! You will not do anything with you, you will not advise anything! Strangers are already telling me that they will give me a divorce, because Ivan Matveich will no longer receive a salary.

    - Elena Ivanovna! Do I hear you? I shouted pathetically. - What villain could tell you this! Yes, and a divorce for such an unfounded reason as a salary is completely impossible. And poor, poor Ivan Matveitch is, so to speak, all aflame with love for you, even in the depths of the monster. Moreover, it melts with love, like a piece of sugar. Even yesterday evening, when you were having fun in a masquerade, he mentioned that in an extreme case, he might decide to write you out as a legal wife to himself, in the bowels, especially since the crocodile turns out to be very roomy not only for two, but even for three individuals...

    And then I immediately told her all this interesting part of my conversation with Ivan Matveich yesterday.

    - How how! she exclaimed in surprise. “Do you want me to climb up there too, to Ivan Matveitch?” Here are inventions! And how can I get in, so in a hat and a crinoline? Lord, what nonsense! And what kind of figure will I make when I climb there, and someone else, perhaps, will look at me ... This is ridiculous! And what will I eat there? .. and ... and how will I be there when ..., oh my God, what did they invent! .. And what kind of entertainment is there? .. You say that it smells of gum? And how will I be, if we quarrel with him there, - after all, lie next to me? Fu, how disgusting!

    “I agree, I agree with all these arguments, dear Elena Ivanovna,” I interrupted, trying to express myself with that understandable enthusiasm that always takes possession of a person when he feels that the truth is on his side, “but you did not appreciate one thing in all this; you did not appreciate the fact that he, therefore, cannot live without you, if he calls there; it means that there is love here, passionate love, faithful, striving ... You did not appreciate love, dear Elena Ivanovna, love!

    “I don’t want, I don’t want, and I don’t want to hear anything!” she waved her little, pretty hand, on which pink marigolds, freshly washed and brushed, shone. - Nasty! You will bring me to tears. Get in on your own if you enjoy it. After all, you are a friend, well, lie down there next to him out of friendship, and argue all your life about some boring sciences ...

    - In vain you laugh so much at this assumption, - I stopped the frivolous woman with importance, - Ivan Matveich called me there anyway. Of course, duty draws you there, but generosity alone attracts me; but, telling me yesterday about the extraordinary extensibility of a crocodile, Ivan Matveitch made a very clear hint that not only you both, but even me, as a family friend, could fit together with you, the three of us, especially if I wanted to, and therefore ...

    - How so, three of us? cried Elena Ivanovna, looking at me with surprise. “So how can we… so all three of us will be there together?” Ha ha ha! How stupid are you both! Ha ha ha! I will certainly pinch you there all the time, you are such a worthless, ha-ha-ha! Ha ha ha!

    And she, leaning back on the sofa, burst out laughing to tears. All this - both tears and laughter - was so seductive that I could not stand it and enthusiastically rushed to kiss her hands, which she did not resist, although she tore me lightly, as a sign of reconciliation, by the ears.

    Then we both cheered up, and I told her in detail all Ivan Matveitch's plans of yesterday. The thought of receptions and open saloon she really liked it.

    “But only a lot of new dresses will be needed,” she remarked, “and therefore it is necessary that Ivan Matveich send as soon as possible and as much salary as possible ... Only ... but how is it,” she added in thought, “how is it his will they bring it to me in a box? This is very funny. I don't want my husband to be carried in a box. I will be very ashamed in front of the guests ... I do not want, no, I do not want.

    “By the way, so as not to forget, was Timofey Semyonitch with you last night?”

    - Oh, there was; he came to comfort, and, imagine, we all played our trump cards with him. He is for sweets, and if I lose, he kisses my hands. Such a worthless person and, imagine, he almost went to the masquerade with me. Right!

    - Passion! - I noticed, - and who will not be carried away by you, seductive!

    - Well, you, let's go with your compliments! Wait, I'll pinch you on the road. I'm awfully good at pinching now. Well, what! By the way, you say that Ivan Matveitch often talked about me yesterday?

    - N-n-no, not that much ... I confess to you that he now thinks more about the fate of all mankind and wants ...

    - Well, let him! Negotiate! That's right, it's a terrible bore. I'll visit him somehow. I will definitely go tomorrow. Just not today; my head hurts, and besides, there will be so many people there ... They will say: this is his wife, they will shame him ... Farewell. In the evening you are… there, aren't you?

    - He has, he has. He ordered me to come and bring newspapers. Well that's just wonderful. And go to him and read. Don't visit me today. I'm not well, and maybe I'll go to visit. Well, goodbye, fool.

    “This is a black -fashioned one in her in the evening,” I thought to myself.

    In the office, of course, I did not give a sign that I was being devoured by such worries and troubles. But I soon noticed that some of our most progressive newspapers somehow passed very quickly from the hands of my colleagues that morning and were read with extremely serious facial expressions. The first one I came across was Listok, a newspaper without any special direction, but only in general humane, for which it was mostly despised by us, although it was read. I was surprised to read the following in it:

    “An extraordinary rumor was circulated yesterday in our vast and splendid capital. Someone N., a well-known high-society grocery store, probably bored with the cuisine of Borel and the -sky club, entered the building of the Passage, in the place where a huge crocodile, just brought to the capital, is shown, and demanded that it be prepared for him for dinner. Having bargained with the owner, he immediately began to devour him (that is, not the owner, a very meek and prone to accuracy German, but his crocodile) - still alive, cutting off juicy pieces with a penknife and swallowing them with extreme haste. Little by little the whole crocodile disappeared into its fat bosom, so that he was even going to take on the ichneumon, the constant companion of the crocodile, probably believing that it would be just as tasty. We are not at all against this new product, which has long been known to foreign gastronomes. We even predicted it ahead of time. English lords and travelers catch whole batches of crocodiles in Egypt and eat the backbone of the monster in the form of a steak, with mustard, onions and potatoes. The French, who came with Lesseps, prefer paws baked in hot ashes, which they do, however, in defiance of the British, who laugh at them. Probably, we will appreciate both. For our part, we welcome the new branch of industry, which our strong and diverse fatherland lacks par excellence. Following this first crocodile, which disappeared in the bowels of the St. Petersburg grocery store, probably not even a year will pass before hundreds of them will be brought to us. And why not acclimatize the crocodile here in Russia? If the Neva water is too cold for these interesting strangers, then there are ponds in the capital, and rivers and lakes outside the city. Why, for example, not breed crocodiles in Pargolovo or Pavlovsk, in Moscow, in Presnensky Ponds and Samotek? Delivering pleasant and healthy food to our refined gastronomes, at the same time they could amuse the ladies walking on these ponds and teach the children of natural history with themselves. Cases, suitcases, cigarette boxes and wallets could be prepared from crocodile skin, and, perhaps, more than one thousand Russian merchants in greasy credit cards, mostly preferred by merchants, would lie down in crocodile skin. We hope to return to this interesting subject more than once.”

    Here is what I read in the passage shown in Volos: “Everyone knows that we are progressive and humane and want to keep up with Europe in this. But, in spite of all our efforts and the efforts of our newspaper, we are still far from "ripe", as evidenced by the outrageous fact that happened yesterday in the Passage and which we predicted in advance. A foreign owner arrives in the capital and brings with him a crocodile, which he begins to show to the public in the Passage. We immediately hastened to welcome a new branch of useful industry, which our strong and diverse fatherland generally lacks. Suddenly yesterday, at half past five in the afternoon, someone unusually thick and intoxicated enters the shop of the foreign owner, pays for the entrance and immediately, without any prior notice, climbs into the mouth of a crocodile, which, of course, was forced to swallow him, at least out of a sense of self-preservation, so as not to choke. Having fallen into the inside of a crocodile, the stranger immediately falls asleep. Neither the cries of the foreign owner, nor the cries of his frightened family, nor the threat to turn to the police, make any impression. From the inside of the crocodile, only laughter and a promise to deal with rods (sic) are heard, and the poor mammal, forced to swallow such a mass, sheds tears in vain. Uninvited guest worse than a Tatar, but, despite the proverb, an impudent visitor does not want to go out. We do not know how to explain such barbaric facts, which testify to our immaturity and tarnish us in the eyes of foreigners. The sweeping nature of Russian nature has found a worthy application. The question is, what did the uninvited visitor want? Warm and comfortable space? But in the capital there are many fine houses with cheap and very comfortable apartments, with the Neva running water and with a gas-lit staircase, at which the porter often starts up from the owners. We also draw the attention of our readers to the very barbarism of the treatment of domestic animals: it is, of course, difficult for a visiting crocodile to digest such a mass at once, and now it lies, swollen with a mountain, and awaits death in unbearable suffering. In Europe, those who treat pets inhumanely have long been prosecuted . But, in spite of European lighting, European sidewalks, European construction of houses, we will not fall behind our cherished prejudices for a long time.

    Houses are new, but prejudices are old -

    and even the houses are not new, at least the stairs. We have already mentioned more than once in our newspaper that on the Petersburg side, in the house of the merchant Lukyanov, the winder steps of the wooden staircase have rotted, failed and have long been a danger to the one in his service soldier Afimya Skapidarova, who was often forced to go up the stairs with water or with an armful of firewood. Finally, our predictions came true: last night at half past nine in the afternoon, the soldier Afimya Skapidarova fell through with a soup bowl and broke her leg. We do not know whether Lukyanov will repair his ladder now; the Russian man is strong in hindsight, but the victim of the Russian may have already been taken to the hospital. In the same way, we will not tire of asserting that the janitors who clean the dirt from the wooden sidewalks on Vyborgskaya Street should not dirty the feet of passers-by, but should put the dirt in piles, just as in Europe when cleaning boots ... etc., etc. d".

    - What is it, - I said, looking in some bewilderment at Prokhor Savvich, - what is it?

    - What about?

    - Yes, for mercy, than to regret Ivan Matveich, they regret the crocodile.

    - And what about? Even a beast, a mammal, was pitied. Why not Europe, sir? There, too, crocodiles are very sorry. Hee hee hee!

    Having said this, the eccentric Prokhor Savvich buried himself in his papers and did not say a word more.

    I put "Volos" and "Leaflet" in my pocket, and besides, I collected as many old Izvestia and "Volosov" as I could find for Ivan Matveich's evening entertainment, and although it was still far from evening, this time I slipped out of chancery to visit the Passage and, at least from a distance, to see what is happening there, to eavesdrop on different opinions and trends. I had a presentiment that there was a whole crush there, and just in case, I wrapped my face more tightly in the collar of my overcoat, because I was a little ashamed of something - we were not used to publicity before. But I feel that I have no right to convey my own, prosaic feelings in view of such a wonderful and original event.


    Hey Lamber! Where is Lambert? Have you seen Lambert? (French)– The history of the emergence and distribution in France of this popular humorous appeal, devoid of meaning, is described in the article by M. P. Alekseev “On one epigraph in Dostoevsky” (see: Problems of Theory and History of Literature. M., 1971. P. 367–373 ). This exclamation, which, according to E. Goncourt, is a “mechanical refrain”, invariably aroused laughter precisely because of its absurdity, and as an epigraph to the story, it emphasized the paradoxical nature of the story. Dostoevsky could have learned about this "last and brilliant flower of French wit" from Russian newspapers. On this, see: Ornatskaya T. I. "Crocodile" (Additions to the commentary) // Dostoevsky: Materials and Research. L., 1987. Issue. 7. P. 169–171.

    …O mein allerlibster Karlchen! Mutter...(German. Oh mein allerliebster Karlchen! Mutter!) - oh my dear Karlchen! Mother!

    Extraordinary event or a passage within a passage

    a fair story about how one gentleman, of known age and well-known appearance, was swallowed alive by a passage crocodile, all without a trace, and what came of it

    I


    On this thirteenth of January of the current sixty-fifth year, at half past one in the afternoon, Elena Ivanovna, the wife of Ivan Matveitch, my educated friend, colleague and partly distant relative, wished to see a crocodile shown for a certain fee in the Passage. Having already in his pocket his ticket for traveling abroad (not so much because of illness, but out of curiosity) abroad, and, consequently, already counting on leave from work and, therefore, being completely free that morning, Ivan Matveich not only did not prevent an insurmountable the desire of his wife, but even he himself kindled with curiosity. “Great idea,” he said happily, “let's look at the crocodile! When going to Europe, it is not bad to get acquainted with the natives inhabiting it on the spot, and with these words, taking his wife by the arm, he immediately went with her to the Passage. I, as usual, tagged along with them in the form of a domestic friend. Never before have I seen Ivan Matveitch in a more pleasant mood than on that memorable morning for me, truly, that we do not know our fate in advance! Entering the Passage, he immediately began to admire the splendor of the building, and going up to the shop, in which the monster again brought to the capital was shown, he himself wished to pay a quarter to the crocodile for me, which had never happened to him before. Entering the small room, we noticed that in in addition to the crocodile, there are also parrots from a foreign breed of cockatoo and, moreover, a group of monkeys in a special closet in the recesses. At the very entrance, against the left wall, stood a large tin box in the form of a kind of bath, covered with a strong iron mesh, and at the bottom of it there was an inch of water. In this shallow puddle, a huge crocodile was preserved, lying like a log, completely motionless and, apparently, deprived of all its abilities from our damp and inhospitable climate for foreigners. This monster did not arouse much curiosity in any of us at first. So this is a crocodile! said Elena Ivanovna in a voice of regret and in a singsong voice, but I thought that he was .. some other! Most likely, she thought he was a diamond. The German, the owner, the owner of the crocodile, who came out to us, looked at us with an extremely proud look. He is right, Ivan Matveich whispered to me, because he knows that he is the only one in all of Russia now showing a crocodile. I also attribute this completely absurd remark to the excessively complacent mood that took possession of Ivan Matveich, which in other cases is very envious. It seems to me that your crocodile is not alive, Elena Ivanovna said again, dived by the inflexibility of the owner, and turning to him with a graceful smile to bow this rude man, a maneuver so characteristic of women. Oh no, madam, he answered in broken Russian and immediately, raising the net of the box to half, began to poke the crocodile in the head with a stick. Then the insidious monster, in order to show its signs of life, slightly moved its paws and tail, lifted its snout and emitted something like a long sniff. Well, don't be angry, Carlchen! said the German affectionately, satisfied in his vanity. What a nasty crocodile! I was even frightened, Elena Ivanovna murmured even more coquettishly, “now I will dream of him in a dream. But he won't bite you in your sleep, madam, the German picked up haberdashery and laughed first of all at the wit of his words, but none of us answered him. Let's go, Semyon Semenych, continued Elena Ivanovna, turning exclusively to me, you'd better see the monkeys. I am terribly fond of monkeys; some of them are so darling ... and the crocodile is terrible. Oh, don't be afraid, my friend, Ivan Matveich shouted after us, pleasantly bracing himself in front of his wife. This sleepy inhabitant of the pharaoh's kingdom will not do anything to us, and remained at the box. Moreover, taking his glove, he began to tickle the crocodile's nose with it, wanting, as he later admitted, to make him sniff again. The owner followed Elena Ivanovna, as if following a lady, to the cupboard with the monkeys. Thus, everything went perfectly and nothing could be foreseen. Elena Ivanovna, even to the point of playfulness, amused herself with the monkeys and seemed to give herself over to them. She screamed with pleasure, constantly turning to me, as if not wanting to pay any attention to the owner, and laughed at the similarity she noticed of these monkeys with her short acquaintances and friends. I also cheered, for the resemblance was undeniable. The German proprietor did not know whether to laugh or not, and therefore, in the end, he completely frowned. And at that very moment, suddenly, a terrible, I can even say, unnatural scream shook the room. Not knowing what to think, I first froze in place; but, noticing that Elena Ivanovna was already screaming, he quickly turned around and—what did I see! I saw, oh my! I saw the unfortunate Ivan Matveich in the terrible jaws of crocodile, intercepted by them across the body, already raised horizontally into the air and desperately dangling his legs in it. Then a moment and he was gone. But I will describe in detail, because I stood motionless all the time and managed to see the whole process that was happening in front of me with such attention and curiosity that I can’t even remember. “For,” I thought at that fateful moment, “what if all this had happened to me instead of Ivan Matveich, what a nuisance it would have been to me!” But to the point. The crocodile began by turning poor Ivan Matveitch in his terrible jaws towards him with his feet, and first swallowed the feet themselves; then, belching a little Ivan Matveitch, who was trying to jump out and clinging to the box with his hands, again drew him into himself, already above the waist. Then, burping again, he swallowed again and again. Thus Ivan Matveich apparently disappeared in our eyes. Finally, having swallowed completely, the crocodile absorbed all my educated friend and this time without a trace. On the surface of the crocodile, one could notice how Ivan Matveich with all his forms was passing through his insides. I was about to scream again, when suddenly fate once again wanted to treacherously play a trick on us: the crocodile strained, probably choking on the hugeness of the object he had swallowed, again opened his entire terrible mouth, and from it, in the form of the last belch, suddenly jumped out for one second Ivan Matveitch's head, with a desperate expression on his face, and his glasses instantly fell from his nose to the bottom of the box. It seemed that this desperate head had jumped out just for that, in order to cast one last glance at all objects and mentally say goodbye to all worldly pleasures. But she did not have time in her intention: the crocodile gathered strength again, took a sip - and in an instant she disappeared again, this time forever. This appearance and disappearance of a still living human head was so terrible, but at the same time, either from the speed and unexpectedness of the action or as a result of falling from the nose of the glasses, it contained something so funny that I suddenly and quite unexpectedly snorted; but, realizing that it was indecent for me to laugh at such a moment as a domestic friend, he immediately turned to Elena Ivanovna and said to her with a sympathetic air: Now kaput our Ivan Matveich! I can’t even think of expressing to what extent Elena Ivanovna’s excitement was intense during the whole process. At first, after the first cry, she seemed to freeze in place and looked at the mess that seemed to her, apparently indifferently, but with extremely bulging eyes; then suddenly burst into a tearing cry, but I grabbed her by the hands. At that moment, the owner, who at first was also dumbfounded with horror, suddenly threw up his hands and shouted, looking at the sky: O my crocodile, O mein allerlibster Karlchen! Mutter, mutter, mutter! At this cry, the back door opened and a mutter appeared, in a cap, ruddy, elderly, but disheveled, and with a screech rushed to her German. It was then that the sodom began: Elena Ivanovna shouted out, like a frenzy, only one word: “Rip it up! rip it up!" and rushed to the owner and to the mutter, apparently begging them probably in self-forgetfulness to rip someone up for something. The owner and mutter paid no attention to either of us: they both howled like calves near the box. He's a wretch, he's about to gobble up, because he swallowed the Ghanz official! shouted the owner. Unzer Karlchen, unzer allerlibster Karlchen vird sternen! howled the hostess. We are orphans without kleb! was picked up by the owner. Rip, Rip, Rip! Elena Ivanovna burst into flames, clutching at the German's frock coat. He teased the crocodile, why did your husband tease the crocodile! the German shouted, fighting back, you will pay if Carlchen is wird lopal, das var mein zon, das var mein einziger zon! I confess that I was terribly indignant at seeing such selfishness in a visiting German and the dryness of his heart in his disheveled mutter; nevertheless, the incessantly repeated cries of Elena Ivanovna: "Rip it up, rip it up!" aroused my anxiety even more and finally attracted all my attention, so that I was even frightened ... I will say in advance these strange exclamations were completely misunderstood by me: it seemed to me that Elena Ivanovna lost her mind for a moment, but nevertheless, wanting to commemorate Ivan Matveich, beloved by her, for the death, offered, in the form of satisfaction to be followed, to punish the crocodile with rods. But meanwhile, she understood something completely different. Glancing at the door, not without embarrassment, I began to beg Elena Ivanovna to calm down and, most importantly, not to use the delicate word "to rip open." For such a retrograde desire here, in the very heart of the Passage and educated society, a stone's throw from the very hall where, perhaps at that very moment, Mr. Lavrov was giving a public lecture, was not only impossible, but even unthinkable and from a minute to a minute could attract the whistles of education and the caricatures of Mr. Stepanov to us. To my horror, I immediately turned out to be right in my timid suspicions: suddenly the curtain separated the crocodile room from the entrance closet, in which the quarters were collected, and a figure with a mustache, a beard and a cap in his hands, very strongly bending his upper body forward and very prudently trying to keep her feet outside the threshold of the crocodile, in order to reserve the right not to pay for the entrance. Such a retrograde desire, madam, said the stranger, trying not to roll over somehow to us and stand outside the threshold, does not honor your development and is due to a lack of phosphorus in your brains. You will immediately be booed in the chronicle of progress and in the satirical sheets of our... But he did not finish: the owner, who came to his senses, seeing with horror a man talking in a crocodile room and not paying anything for it, rushed furiously at the progressive stranger and with both fists pushed him in the neck. For a moment both disappeared from our eyes behind a curtain, and only then did I finally guess that the whole mess had come out of nothing; Elena Ivanovna turned out to be completely innocent: she did not at all think, as I already noted above, of subjecting the crocodile to a retrograde and humiliating punishment with rods, but simply wished that they would only cut open his belly with a knife and thus free Ivan Matveich from his insides. How! wi hatit my crocodile perish! yelled the owner, who ran in again, no, let your husband first go to hell, and then the crocodile! .. Main Vater showed the crocodile, Main Grosvater showed the crocodile, Mainzon will show the crocodile, and I will show the crocodile! Everyone will show the crocodile! I am a gantz Europe is known, but you are unknown gantz Europe and I pay a fine. Me, me! the vicious German woman picked up, don't let me in, fine, when Carlchen ate! And it’s useless to open up, I added calmly, wanting to distract Elena Ivanovna home as soon as possible, for our dear Ivan Matveich, in all likelihood, is floating, now somewhere in the empyrean. My friend, came at that moment completely, unexpectedly, the voice of Ivan Matveich, which amazed us to the extreme, my friend, my opinion to act directly through the overseer's office, for a German without the help of the police will not understand the truth. These words, spoken firmly, with weight and expressing an extraordinary presence of mind, at first amazed us so much that we all refused to believe our ears. But, of course, they immediately ran up to the crocodile box and listened to the unfortunate prisoner with as much reverence as distrust. His voice was muffled, thin and even loud, as if coming from a considerable distance from us. It was like when some joker, going into another room and covering his mouth with an ordinary sleeping pillow, begins to shout, wanting to imagine to the audience remaining in the other room how two peasants call to each other in the desert or being separated from each other by a deep ravine, that I I had the pleasure of hearing one day from my acquaintances at Christmas time. Ivan Matveich, my friend, so you are alive! Elena Ivanovna babbled. Alive and well, answered Ivan Matveich, and thanks to the Almighty it was swallowed without any damage. I worry only about how the authorities will look at this episode; for, having received a ticket abroad, he landed in a crocodile, which is not even witty ... But, my friend, do not worry about wit; First of all, we need to get you out of here somehow,” interrupted Elena Ivanovna. Pick! cried the owner, I won't let the crocodile pick. Now the public will have a lot more time to go, and I'll ask for fufzig kopecks, and Karlchen will stop lapping. Go zey dunk! picked up the hostess. They are right, Ivan Matveich calmly remarked, first of all, the economic principle. My friend, I shouted, I am flying to the authorities right now and will complain, because I have a presentiment that we cannot cook this porridge alone. And I think the same thing, Ivan Matveich noted, but without economic reward it is difficult in our age of trade crisis to rip open a crocodile's belly for nothing, and meanwhile the inevitable question arises: what will the owner take for his crocodile? and with him another: who will pay? because you know I don't have the means... Is it on account of salary, I remarked timidly, but the owner immediately interrupted me: I don't sell a crocodile, I sell a crocodile for three thousand, I sell a crocodile for four thousand! Now the public will have a lot of walking. I sell five thousand crocodile! In a word, he swaggered unbearably; covetousness and vile greed shone joyfully in his eyes. I'm going! I shouted in indignation. Me too! and me too! I will go to Andrey Osipych himself, I will soften him with my tears,” Elena Ivanovna whined. "Don't do this, my friend," Ivan Matveitch hastily interrupted her, for he had long been jealous of his wife for Andrey Osipich and knew that she was glad to go and cry in front of an educated person because tears came to her very much. Yes, and you, my friend, I do not advise, he continued, turning to me, there is nothing to go straight from the bay; what else will come of it. And you better come by today, so, in the form of a private visit, to Timofey Semyonitch. He is an old-fashioned and narrow-minded person, but solid and, most importantly, direct. Bow to him from me and describe the circumstances of the case. Since I owe him seven rubles for the last mess, give them to him at this opportunity: this will soften the stern old man. In any case, his advice can serve as a guide for us. And now take Elena Ivanovna away for now... Calm down, my friend, he continued to her, I'm tired of all these screams and women's squabbles and I want to sleep a little. Here it is warm and soft, although I have not yet had time to look around in this unexpected shelter ... Look around! Is it light for you? Yelena Ivanovna cried out delightedly. A deep night surrounds me, answered the poor prisoner, but I can feel and, so to speak, look around with my hands ... Farewell, be calm and do not deny yourself entertainment. Till tomorrow! You, Semyon Semyonitch, visit me in the evening, and since you are absent-minded and can forget, then tie a knot ... I confess that I was glad to leave, because I was too tired, and partly bored. Hastily taking by the arm the despondent, but prettier with excitement, Elena Ivanovna, I quickly led her out of the crocodile room. In the evening for the entrance again a quarter! shouted after us the owner. Oh God, how greedy they are! Elena Ivanovna said, looking into every mirror in the piers of the Passage and, apparently, realizing that she had grown prettier. An economic principle, I answered with slight excitement and pride in my lady in front of passers-by. The economic principle ... she drawled in a sympathetic voice, I did not understand anything that Ivan Matveich was just talking about this opposite economic principle. I will explain to you, I answered and immediately began to talk about the beneficial results of attracting foreign capital to our fatherland, which I had read about in the morning in Petersburg News and in Volos. How strange it all is! she interrupted after listening for a while, come on, you nasty one; what nonsense are you talking about ... Tell me, am I very red? You are beautiful, not red! I remarked, taking the opportunity to say a compliment. Naughty! she murmured smugly. Poor Ivan Matveich, she added after a minute, coquettishly bowing her head on her shoulder, I really feel sorry for him, oh my God! she suddenly cried out, tell me, how will he eat there today and ... and ... how will he ... if he needs something? Unforeseen question, I answered, also puzzled. In truth, it never occurred to me, women are so much more practical than us men in solving everyday problems! Poor thing, how did he get so into it... and no entertainment and it's dark... how annoying that I didn't have his photographic card left... So, I'm kind of a widow now, she added with a seductive smile, obviously interested in the new his position, um... still I feel sorry for him!.. In a word, a very understandable and natural longing of a young and interesting wife for her dead husband was expressed. I brought her home at last, reassured her, and, having dined with her, after a cup of fragrant coffee, went to Timofey Semyonitch's at six o'clock, reckoning that at that hour all family people of certain occupations were sitting or lying at home. Having written this first chapter in a style appropriate to the event narrated, I intend to continue using the style, although not so exalted, but more natural, about which I inform the reader in advance.

    The story "Crocodile"

    The next work is Dostoevsky's short story "Crocodile", written in a satirical direction, which vividly depicts a picture of social life for us.

    The storyline is fantastic. The official, Ivan Matveyevich, is swallowed by a crocodile, and he understands that everything is not so bad. He can influence society, being in the skin of an animal, because people pay attention to him. Ivan Matveevich says:

    “But since it is difficult, even for a crocodile, to digest a person like me, then, of course, at the same time he must feel some heaviness in his stomach - which, however, he does not have - and that's why, in order not to deliver excessive monster, I seldom toss and turn from side to side, and although I could toss and turn, I do not do it out of humanity. This is the only drawback of my present position, and in an allegorical sense, Timofey Semyonitch is justified in calling me a couch potato. But I will prove that lying on your side - not only that, only lying on your side can turn the fate of mankind. All the great ideas and directions of our newspapers and magazines are obviously produced by couch potatoes; that's why they call them armchair ideas, but don't give a damn that they call them that! I will now invent a whole social system, and - you will not believe - how easy it is! You just have to retire somewhere far away in a corner or at least get into a crocodile, close your eyes, and you will immediately invent a whole paradise for all mankind "(T. V C .197)

    There are two definitions of journalists in this passage. First: that they do not toss and turn in the mouth of a crocodile, out of humanity. And the second: all journalistic ideas are "armchair". As for the first, we can say that the crocodile is power, and the media exist peacefully at their side, trying to toss and turn less, that is, in any way interfere with power. And the author's second conclusion is a hint that journalistic ideas, for the most part, are "sucked out of thin air." They lock themselves in their offices and wait for the information to come into their own hands. They do not search, do not investigate, do not go into the essence of what is happening. Dostoevsky, in this passage, is very skeptical about the work of his colleagues.

    The following passage is presented to us by a conversation between the author and an official:

    “My friend, what about freedom?” I said, wanting to fully know his opinion. “After all, you are, so to speak, in a dungeon, while a person should enjoy freedom.

    You are stupid, he replied. - Wild people love independence, wise people love order, but there is no order.

    Ivan Matveitch, have mercy and have mercy!

    Shut up and listen! he squealed, annoyed that I interrupted him. I have never soared in spirit as I do now. In my cramped refuge I am afraid of one thing - literary criticism of thick magazines and the whistle of our satirical newspapers. I am afraid that frivolous visitors, fools and envious people, and nihilists in general, will not ridicule me. But I will take action. I look forward to tomorrow's public opinion, and most importantly - the opinion of the newspapers. Report the newspapers tomorrow" (T. V C. 198-199)

    If we decide to take the image of a crocodile as a power, then it follows that it is afraid of journalistic opinion. It is very valuable and necessary for her, which is why the authorities subject the media to such pressure of censorship and control. And they are happy. “Wise people love order,” and who will arrange it for them, except as a king?

    Dostoevsky writes that journalism is not free, its policy is too liberal, and it does not want to change. Corruption in this regard will only flourish.



    Similar articles
     
    Categories
    Video footage
    Popular
    New