Today I’m happy, I’ve made myself a hair mask (kefir, cocoa, henna), I’m returning from the bathroom, and my husband is sitting in the kitchen and my mask ... he’s eating up ...
The whole team was wallowing with laughter after the first phrase: "They carry me, which means I'm drunk to fight."
Condoms "Cactus" - she will scream
Expensive! And buy me a car, I can drive, we will know the world!
- This one or that one?
I saw a guy in the store, he was dressed stylishly, the figure was super, she decided that she was fate ... She drew herself up, straightened her hair, I came up ... Bitch ... Mannequin !!!
Statuses hilarious to tears - The ass will become a beautiful face after going through all the filters of Photoshop.
Get a tattoo on chest: "Before the autopsy - shake it up" - amuse the pathologists!
An emo girl sits on a pipe, curses her life, mourns her fate, and suddenly the pipe explodes - GAZPROM - DREAMS COME TRUE!
Mom told me: "Do not lie down on the side." I didn't listen, lay down! As a result, he broke both arms, ribs, and the toilet bowl to smithereens...
How to drive a lover crazy? Wear a bra with a front closure, a T-shirt bodysuit with a hidden fastener between the legs and stretch pants with an imitation of the fly.
I shaved one leg. I didn’t have time to shave my other leg, because my husband woke up. And now he's like a fool, walking with one unshaven leg.
Daughter cheerfully and quickly runs around the room. Husband: Mashenka, run more carefully! And then you will crash your teeth into a bedside table, we will have a bedside table with teeth, but you won’t ...
Oh, who's waking up? Oh, whose eyes are opening? At night it jumped, jumped, did not let people sleep ...
Don't tease... Just give me mineral water.
I bought a book: “Poisons. Yesterday, today, tomorrow ”(I just decided to read it) ... The husband washes the dishes for the second day, and takes out the garbage, and agrees in everything ...
Grandma bought galoshes, but there is nothing to wrap. I went to the pharmacy and there they gave her a box of 1000 condoms. It turns out, a man meets her: Hey, grandma, how much do you need this box ?! God forbid that for a year is enough.
The girl writes: “How to hint / tell a guy that he sometimes salivates during a kiss?” The other replies: “Pretend to be choking ...”
The grandmother, who sold seeds, provided herself with an influx of customers by pouring heroin into the seeds. She was burned on the fact that the pigeons were discussing nearby quantum theory fields and Asian stock market.
I wanted to take her as a "cool" guy, press her against the wall and kiss her, in the end - she had a concussion.
The girl Masha came to the matinee dressed as a squirrel and terrified the caretaker of the kindergarten...
I woke up very exotic today. The first part of the awakening was due to a squeaky cry: "Pikachu, lightning strike !!!" Thought "what the hell"... Thought to fall asleep again - no matter how,
In less than a second, I was shocked wildly by the current. It turned out - little brother slammed a stun gun from his father, and while watching his cartoon, this “brilliant” thought came to his mind - to saw, set the discharge to the maximum, my eye is still twitching ... I’ll take revenge somehow ...
If you go out into the yard at night, lie down and look at the sky through a colander, you can see the face of an ambulance doctor.
No one has ever beaten anyone in the face for me! All by herself... all by herself.
Only our men laugh at a woman driving, sitting in a tram.
Snow in my back, snow in my mouth, snow in my ears and in my stomach, snow in my face and snow in my eye - zashib spring with us!
Hearing the phrase in the morning: "Darling, I'm pregnant," Vadim pretended to be asleep for another two days.
How unceremonious men appear on the site ... Then one wrote me a message today: "Well, how are you in bed?" I didn’t find anything better than to answer him: “It’s okay ... I can fit in for now!”
A girl working in a provider company asks the client: - Is your end exactly crimped, or is it hanging bare?
Why is there a galloping horse ... There are women in Russian cities - with a slight turn of the steering wheel they stop up to a thousand cars.
I’m riding in a minibus, I’m sitting near the window, a black man sat next to me, I’m in a good mood, I decided to have fun. At my stop I say:
- I go out, let yours go!
It is in pure Russian:
- All sorts of people came here.
Well, how to explain to my husband that I married him, and did not adopt him?!
Sometimes a man, like a cuckoo, also lays his eggs in other people's nests ...
Under the prohibition sign, I turned at the command of the autonavigator.
He says:
- Turn right.
And I told him:
- There's a sign!
And he:
- Do what I say! There were no traffic cops here.
After some time, a letter arrives from a friend from the army: “We are taught here to remove snow and boil potatoes. So if the enemy attacks, we will clear the way for him and prepare food.
Santa Claus give me brains or black hair dye.
Do I run in the morning??? CERTAINLY! Still and with cries pancake, overslept!
Do you want to change your life, go on a diet, quit smoking or find new job? Especially for you, every week - MONDAY.
Wah! Well, I have neighbors! A pipe burst in our bathroom, a neighbor came downstairs and poured a bucket of water on the floor with a cry of "how is it nice?" Question: who did she hurt?
I walk around the city, riveting the views of passers-by. What interested them in me? Beauty is unlikely. Popularity - I think not. Maybe a working orange chainsaw in his hands?
Two in bed. Is distributed phone call. The woman picks up the phone, listens and throws: - My husband called. Said he was fishing with you.
Hi, my wife is in her 18th week. - And mine - on the 12th. Who do you want more, a boy or a girl? - A boy. - And why? - I want a radio-controlled helicopter
Ale, mom, give dad the phone. - Ale, dad, Spartak champion? - Yes, yes, yes, of course, daughter, of course! - Dad, give mom. - Ale, mom, you heard dad allowed it.
If enter sinks on someone else's keyboard, you pour yogurt on it, and then wash it in the shower, hit it harder with a crowbar, hit the wall a couple of times, throw it on the floor from the table, walk on it with your feet ... on other people's keyboards it helps a lot.
Again I'm scratching my heels on the ice and morning powder... Damn, tin! How would you like it? What if fate, and I'm in galoshes ...
China Market Promotion: "Buy a Blue Bedding Set and Become an Avatar in One Night!"
I found an interesting thing: Russian proverb: "Fools think alike", American: "Great minds think alike."
One friend to another:
- Can you imagine, yesterday, I was sitting at home with MY OWN, suddenly there was a call, I opened the door ... Mine came ...
She was so correct, so reasonable, so highly moral that one wanted to pour a bottle of cognac into her and see what would happen.
And next time, I'll tell you how to use a felt-tip pen and a pregnancy test to make your boyfriend nervous.
First there was wine, then he opened cognac, then they brought liquor, then they mixed beer with vodka ... And after that he got poisoned with a cookie ...
Conscience woke up for a minute, but we quickly agreed with her.
I'm going crazy and I definitely like it!
Remember, in the morning I ran around the apartment with a joyful cry of “Hurrah! I finally found those damn keys!"? - Well, yes ... - You did not see where I put them after that?
Yesterday I bought guinea pig. She swam and swam in the aquarium, lay down on the bottom and fell asleep. I have a question - when she wakes up, what should I feed her?
Arkady did not like jogging, parkour, extreme sports, adrenaline. But two neighboring Dobermans revealed the potential in him ...
In vain they showed the Russians scotch tape! Now in the house everything that should be nailed, screwed on is held on it ...
Very hilarious statuses - The computer is the perfect spouse! In sorrow and in joy, in wealth and poverty, in sickness and in health... And only death will separate us!
A smart woman never repeats other people's nonsense, she is able to come up with new ones!
I watched erotica on RenTV at night in the kitchen. My wife came in - I quickly switched it anywhere ... Now she thinks that I close in the kitchen at night and watch Dom-2.
They lived happily ever after until they found out that the rest of us live longer and happier lives.
I tell him that I did not cheat on him! And he rested his horns and does not believe!
I wonder what that woman in a black cloak was going to mow?
God created all people different, but when he came to China, he got tired ...
The effect of a month of going to the gym is simply amazing, I threw off all the extra ... money ... Diagnosis: acute intellectual deficiency.
In search of adventures leading role, as a rule, it is not the head that plays at all ...
The fucker no longer sneaks unnoticed, but stood up in full height and runs towards.
There is no phrase "I can't", there is a phrase "I'm a lazy brute".
I don't know what's worse - the fact that he wrote "Let's break up", or the fact that two minutes later he sent: "Sorry, this is not for you"?
Why give hundredth second chances to the same asshole? Are there few others on the planet for you? Choose another. Diversify your suffering
My cat often shits in the corners, for which I hit him. But it seems to me that he thinks that I beat him because he doesn't shit much!
Yesterday a friend decided to have fun: he went to the store, bought a stool, rope and soap. The cashier didn't react at all. Heartless bitch!
Life is boring and monotonous... But everything changes when "they" arrive - money on a bank card.
I wanted to buy a sedative, but I saw the price and freaked out.
If a girl dumped you and you are about to jump off the roof, then do not forget - you have horns, not wings.
Who does not work, he successfully married!
I'm a star in bed! Spread my legs and sleep...
When Andrei saw that his neighbor's car was being stolen, he was not at a loss, ran out into the street and parked in an empty space.
Naive neighbors ... think that my volume is reduced by blows to the battery ...
Work is not money! It doesn't end!!!
The corporate party was a success - this is when you go to work to the whistle and applause of colleagues ....
If you did not build a house, did not give birth to a son and did not grow a tree, then you are an armless impotent who does not love nature.
As a child, my parents and I often played a game in the kitchen called: "Who will peel the potatoes faster!" I was glad that I always won. Only now I understand that somewhere I was cruelly stabbed.
Announcement in the subway: "If suspicious objects are found, make a suspicious face."
All the beautiful ones are already married... All the smart ones are already free.
The husband leaving on a business trip could not even imagine how cruelly he made a mistake when, at the station, saying goodbye, he said to his wife not “See you”, but “Come on!”
Only the military enlistment office can accept a man as he is.
Looking at him, one is drawn to say: “Give me a name to vilify!” And immediately warn that I will not give back!
My husband and I have the Day of Reconciliation and Consent tomorrow ... We are going to the store ... I reconcile, He agrees.
Perhaps the most funny statuses on the site Statuses-Tut.ru! When you want to amuse your friends, look at Statuses-Here and you will find funny statuses for classmates, in contact or for others social networks. The main thing is not to lose heart, because you can always find positive statuses, thanks to which you will cheer up others, and gray days suddenly sparkle with new colors. Our most funny statuses they will help to make any princess Nesmeyana laugh, and now she is already laughing with you, and together you are reading hilarious statuses for classmates on Status-Tut.ru! This is not surprising, because laughter, jokes, a positive and cheerful attitude prolong life, help maintain good relations and make it easier to see the world. Our most hilarious statuses about everything and everyone will give you the opportunity to stand out from the crowd of gloomy and dissatisfied Internet users. Funny quotes and sayings are sure to cheer up everyone who is lucky enough to see them. The funniest statuses are here! Let's find the status together!
Selected funny statuses!
For us funny statuses do not imply a frivolous approach, as we carefully monitor the quality of our content. Funny statuses will surely please your friends and cheer you up. Positive Quotes as a status, they will reflect your positive attitude in life and will please everyone who sees them. In any situation, the main thing is to always think positively, and let your day not work out in the morning, come to us and read our carbon monoxide statuses and you yourself will not notice how the situation changes in your favor. Everyone knows that life, it's like a zebra - today the stripe is white, and tomorrow it's already black. Let pessimists think so, but we are optimists, because our very funny statuses are on our pages in classmates and in contact!The funniest statuses!
Your significant other wants to meet New Year on the seashore, and that the heat is +30? Our humorous statuses will help you take your companion's thoughts in a different direction. Parents tormented by talking about the dacha and already in December they are buying seeds? Our funny statuses about spring will help you, cheer them up. You can judge a person by their sense of humor. You do not want your friends to consider you a fan of Petrosyan or the Ponomarenko brothers? Then our statuses with humor will help you. And let them just say that Ivan Urgan is just handsome, now he has serious competition in your face.Funny statuses are here!
So, the matter is small: we go to the appropriate section of the site, find carbon monoxide statuses and place them on our site. Just a few minutes of pleasant work, and witty quote on your page. And the fact that the work of finding funny statuses is really pleasant can not even be disputed. After all, along the way, you will definitely look through more than a dozen funny quotes that will surely make you happy great humor and charged with excellent mood. Positive people are very fond of funny statuses. Because funny statuses are very simple, but incredible effective remedy to lift the spirits of everyone around. It's so easy to pick funny quote and place it as a status on your page. Everyone who visits your page will certainly pay attention to your status and at least smile. But this is already a lot! That is why funny statuses are so popular. It would seem that one or two lines of text, and the mood is already in the black. This is the whole essence and meaning of funny sayings and sayings.Women are such touching creatures, so I would touch and touch.
Whoever gets up early ... the one, the infection, infuriates everyone, slams doors, rattles the kettle and walks like an elephant!
The person who figured out how to fill the face through the Internet will earn billions!!!
Since there is not much time, I will briefly explain with obscenities.
Every girl has a gift for putting more in her bag than is possible according to the laws of physics.
Marital status: has a cat.
I don't know who I want, I don't want who I know.
At home, everything is decided by dad! And who is our dad - mom decides!
We have Halloween every Friday in Russia. The men are drunk as hell, and the women are waiting for them at home, angry as witches.
The diet that works 100% is called Don't Put Food in Your Mouth.
Old age is when you buy a box of popcorn for the fiber, not for the surprise that lies inside...
Yesterday I went to bed at 9:30 pm… I couldn’t fall asleep from such happiness until 3 o’clock…
I look at the world blue eyes through rose-colored glasses, so everything is purple to me.
A very cheerful old age awaits us. Imagine how many old women with tattoos on their backs will be around!
Think onions are the only vegetable that makes you cry? Didn't you get a melon in the face?
I collected some money, I wanted to buy a summer house near Mytishchi. It wasn't enough. I had to take a villa in Spain.
My conscience does not torment me, it is in the share and receives a percentage from each of my dirty tricks.
My life is so sad ... But nothing, but the salary is ridiculous ...
Unpredictability is the most important trump card of women, with which they can easily beat any pathetic card of male logic !!!
I don't suffer from delusions of grandeur. We princesses don't like that.
Why, when there are two girls on the avatars, the owner of the avatar always turns out to be ugly?
The wind that accidentally lifted the letters delivered them faster than the Russian Post.
I am already so old that this year I plan to buy not a fashionable jacket, but a warm one.
I always dream of making myself a T-shirt, with the inscription “I am a schizophrenic” on the front, and “Me too” on the back.
Smile: it makes people puzzle over what's on your mind.
Dreaming of fluttering like a spectacular butterfly into the Antalya heat, I lie like a larva on the sofa and quietly eat sausage ...
If you are wrong and silent - you are wise, if you are right and silent - you are married.
I'm not completely useless, I can be a bad example.
When you start throwing away junk, the main thing is not to start looking at it!!!
If God were a woman, then there would be only one commandment: Don't piss me off.
Once in an idiotic position, behave simply and naturally, like a real idiot.
none good story does not begin with the words: “We somehow eat a salad with friends ...”
Here, they say: “You are strange ... You came, messed up, and left !!!” It's not weird! It would be strange to come, make a mess and stay ...
It's easier to give than to explain why you won't give.
Who gets up early, he gets tired by twelve.
To avoid being blown away, try not to eat after six or smoke near the gas station.
I bought gifts for the new year ... two radio-controlled cars so that my husband and child would not fight ...
In life, you need to be unpredictable and insidious, like a cucumber with a bitter ass.
Only Russian man, considering beautiful picture, can swear from admiration.
It's good to be a blonde - new discoveries every day.
After the fifth glass, she realized that he was waiting for her call!
A very greedy girl went to throw out the garbage and returned with two bags.
Who does not take risks does not drink champagne ... and does not listen to Mendelssohn.
Sometimes I say I don't know. I know, but I'm too lazy to explain.
Sometimes alarm clocks help you wake up. But most often they interfere with sleep.
