Anecdotes, funny to tears, are extremely popular among readers. This is a proven fact, with which it is completely useless to argue. There are a lot of directions of anecdotes and they all have their fans. Many of us love jokes, the purpose of which is not only to make a person laugh, but the first task is to think. Such funny stories are popular with people with analytical warehouse mind. These people just need to think and eventually, of course, laugh.
Fresh jokes, in a good environment of friends, are so relevant that having them in your memory you can amuse your friends well. Surely everyone will be very happy with the fresh anecdote that you will tell. In fact, any anecdote is interesting and funny, but the new one is much better perceived by the audience. With a good memory, you can easily remember a few anecdotes that we have presented to you. And if you are also in life cheerful person, then you just need to always know the latest jokes!
But, we have gathered with you now on this page for only one purpose, to read really funny jokes to tears. Below we will present you 100 selected anecdotes. We just want to warn you right away that many of these funny stories, are classified as "obscene jokes". Of course, these are just jokes and should not be taken very seriously. They are designed to serve only one purpose, which is to amuse us. Whether they are good or bad, only you can judge. But I really want to believe that they will deserve the title of "funny anecdotes to tears" ... Enjoy reading and of course Have a good mood all day!
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My wife is sulky and won't talk to me. Naive, this is my third marriage, I am a silent champion, I can calmly be silent all two days.
- Two days? And more - weakly?
- Not a single woman will be able to silently endure the sight of a happy husband for more than two days!
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Putin says to Medvedev:
- What are you, Dimon, just become a nerd, all kinds of tweeters i-pods ... Let's go to the bar normally, get drunk, we'll take the girls off and then have a good sex ...
Medvedev:
- What's with the girls?
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Fire in the hospital.
After the fire has been extinguished, firefighters report to the chief physician:
- The fire is out. Three victims were found in the basement. Two were pumped out, the third failed.
The doctor falls into a deep faint. Ammonia bring him to consciousness.
- Guys! We have a morgue in the basement
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Walking through the fairgrounds, a man sees a fortune teller's tent. Thinking it would be funny, he enters the tent.
- I see you have two children, - says the fortuneteller, peering into the crystal ball.
- Ha! You think so? - ironic man. - I have three children.
“That’s what you think,” the seer clarifies.
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Husband and wife are sunbathing on the beach. The husband, a frail man of small stature, noticed that his wife did not take her eyes off the large, muscular handsome man who was sitting nearby. Unable to stand it, the husband turns to his wife:
“You shouldn’t be staring at him, dear. Remember - our neighbor has a garage for two Cadillacs, and he keeps a bicycle there.
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Girl - friend, about her boyfriend:
- I don't know what's worse - what he wrote
"Let's break up," or what he sent two minutes later: "Sorry, this is not for you"?
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Dad, can I have your car keys? the teenager asked his father.
- I want to show my classmates that I drive a car that costs ten thousand dollars.
"Here's fifty cents for you," said the father, "and show off that you ride a bus that costs fifty thousand dollars."
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How would you react if your husband, boyfriend, lover cheated on you?
- How? All at once? Here are the goats!
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The wife comes home drunk in the morning. Her husband runs around her, shouting:
- If I had a knife - I would kill you! If I had a gun, I would have shot!
She raises her head:
- And you worry ...
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Expensive! Give me a New Year something so that I press lightly with my right foot, and, p-r-time, the arrow from 0 to 100 in three seconds ...
- Are the scales suitable?
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In winter, a bag with a laptop gives +50 to agility.
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Well, my daughters, I'm going to distant lands. What to bring to you?
- Dad, is it possible to go for bread somehow less pathetically?
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A girl comes from school
- Mom, why does everyone say that I'm inattentive?
- Girl, you've already fucked up, you live next door!
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Husband calls...
- Hello, dear, just heard on the radio that a psycho is driving in the opposite direction. Be careful!
- One? Yes, there are thousands of them!
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I will take over the world!
- Put on your hat!
- Well, Mom!!!
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Well, it was necessary to get drunk so much, ”Cinderella grumbled, removing crystal salad bowls from her feet.
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The student was late for the lecture. The professor asks:
- So you served in the army, young man?
Yes, he served...
- And what did the sergeant say to you when you were late for the formation?
- Good morning Comrade Lieutenant...
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Dad, I want bullshit.
- On, daughter, just wash it and remember, it's called "persimmon".
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The teacher of the Russian language, having reread the composition of the son of Roman Abramovich "How I Spent the Summer", burned it, threw the ashes into a glass of champagne and drank it exactly at midnight on New Year's Eve ...
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A drunk student comes into his dorm room, takes off one shoe and throws it against the wall with all his might. And then a cry from behind the wall:
- You're a goat, you don't let me sleep at 3 o'clock in the morning!!!
Then the student quietly took off his second shoe and went to bed, suddenly again a cry from behind the wall:
- You are a goat, I will wait a long time when you take off your second shoe ?!
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Let's go without a condom today?
- Why is this?
- Such a heat.
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Hello, Dasha, can I?
- Yes, sure.
- Here it comes...! And he says to me - they say, it’s impossible, my mother does not allow ..
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My son is asking for your daughter's hand in marriage.
- What, your son doesn't have a hand?
Yes, but she's already tired.
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Granny coughed on the bus.
- Be healthy!!!
- Yes, I didn’t sneeze at all, but coughed.
- Yes, for me at least x#em choked! A pioneer must be polite
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The problem with feats in the name of women is that while you are doing them, the woman is being fucked by someone else.
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Husband and wife make a new password for the company. Husband types: "My cock"". Wife falls to the floor laughing because the computer says "Error - too short!""
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Vovochka mom:
- Ma, where did I come from?
- The stork brought your son.
Vovochka with displeasure looking at his father:
- So mothers, 2 neighbors and aunt Zina are not enough for you. We fuck storks?
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A man comes to a sexologist and says:
- Doctor, I'm not worth it.
The Doctor looks around.
- And actually, who are you going to @bat here? . .
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Hare in the forest in winter. It is cold for him, it is difficult for a hare to survive in such frosts. Hungry, haven't eaten all winter. Suddenly he sees a snowman, and between his legs he has a carrot.
The hare stopped and looked.
Snowman:
- Well, oblique, disdain?
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Husband and wife in the kitchen. Suddenly from behind the wall:
- Pid @ race!
Husband to wife:
- Turn on the telly, I completely forgot, ours play football there.
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Sochi. A man, standing in the car at the window, says goodbye to the girl...
The train moves off and finally the man joyfully shouts to the girl:
- And the bucks are fake!
She answered him:
- But the gonorrhea is real, dear ...
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The husband decided to unexpectedly visit his wife on a business trip.
Arrived, immediately climbed into bed, violent sex, violent orgasm.
From behind the wall screams:
- Well, shut up, please! I can't sleep with you for five nights already!
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The wife thinks that when she bites her lip, she looks very sexy. I don’t even know how to tell her that she should bite her lower lip.
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The newlyweds say:
- The wedding night was - WOW!
The whole apartment was shaking.
- And who was the first to say: "Enough, I can't take it anymore!"?
- Neighbour...
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Two Georgians are washing in the bath.
One watches his friend masturbate and asks him:
- Gogi ti that, masturbate ...?
- Nat, just my bistro...!
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The secretary comes into the office to the boss and says:
- From now on, I will have a salary of a thousand dollars and 4 days off a week!
Chief with sarcasm:
- Who told you that, honey?
- Gynecologist and lawyer!!!
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A young couple is sitting in a movie theater last row. He:
- Man, we're already here. whole hour we sit, and you have never even kissed me.
- Wan, I just gave you a min@t!
- To me???
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Girl and boy on a date...
- Will you give me a min@t?!
- Come on next time.
- Why???!
- Nuuuuu…. I'm not very good at...
- Huyase! Where will you learn next time?
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Somehow, representatives of the most ancient profession decided: a pro @ prostitute and a thief to get married ...
- So what?
- And then - all their children became the first professional politicians ...
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The wife finds her husband with his mistress, grabs a gun from the wall and aims between her husband's legs. Husband pleadingly:
- Honey, well, it's impossible! You don't even give me a chance!
The wife, after a moment's thought, stands in the pose of an arrow:
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The guy under the window with a bouquet yells:
- Zaeb@la!
Girl from the window
My name is Isabella, Isabella!
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Once a boy asked his parents what min @ t is. They looked at each other and decided - it would be better for him to learn from us than somewhere on the street.
Mother:
- Nuuu ... This is when they take it in the mouth.
Dad:
- Stupid! They don't take, they give. Our son is growing.
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Vanka and Manka are lying in a haystack. They see - the stallion covers the mare.
Manya:
- Wan, how did he know that she - wants?
Vania:
- Fuck knows, by smell, probably.
Still lie down. Then Manka says:
- Van, you seem to have a runny nose...
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Arab schools have banned driving lessons after sex education classes.
Because the donkey needs to rest.
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Yesterday I had a dream about how Pamela Anderson came to visit me, and I glue the wallpaper: So she rushed to help me! And everything was so real that when I woke up, damn it, even the glue on my hands remained ...
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Gentle kiss on the back of the neck. A very touching and intimate moment. I don’t understand why people on the subway are so crazy about this.
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Blonde:
We are going on a hike, and the leader said that if a snake bites, then someone should immediately suck. I don't know how that would help?
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What is family life?
This is when you come home from work, and your wife offers you to either wash the dishes or have sex - you mentally choose the dishes, but in order not to offend your wife, you say sex.
And the most annoying thing is that after sex you still have to wash the dishes!
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A hairdresser who has not had sex for a long time makes any haircut intimate.
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Sex is a very dangerous thing. For example, there was no sex in the USSR. But as soon as he appeared, the USSR disappeared.
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The doorbell to the man. Neighbor on the doorstep. - Hello, you acted as a guarantor of a debt from my husband? - Yes. Why doesn't he pay? - Pays, but does not fulfill.
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On the night of Ivan Kupala, ancient Rus', girls jumped over the fire ... Other ways to depilate the legs and bikini zone were invented much later.
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Checkout guy: Girl, give me one chocolate bar and ten condoms! Cashier: For one chocolate bar, they will not give you so many times.
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The brain is tricky. Of course, he thinks about sex, but he always blames everything on the penis.
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Pretenders hear in the finale:
- I didn’t love you as you moaned ...
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A real man, closing the door behind him, should immediately begin to pester.
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In our family, only my brain has regular sex.
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Is that why people confuse such different and unrelated things as love, sex, reproduction and living together? Because of this, all the troubles.
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You are such a gallant gentleman! Who raised you so well?
- Dad! He always said: if you want to give a heifer - be polite to her!
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A husband and wife are lying in bed. The wife begins to flirt with her husband. Bite his ear and say:
- Now the bite will come,
Bite him on the chest:
- Now comes the bite.
Well and further in the same spirit. The husband lay, endured, endured later says:
- Pokusyaka, pokusyaka, but when will the sucker come to us ?????
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A woman comes to the doctor and says
- You know, when I make love with my husband, something pricks in my side.
The doctor examined her and said
- You're all right, bring your husband.
The husband comes undresses, and he has a knee-deep dick
The doctor tells him
- Have you tried with horses by any chance?
- I tried. They'll die. And my wife only has a prick in her side
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Two friends are walking, suddenly one, as if neighing, the second in bewilderment asks what's the matter.
- I imagined that I live in England and my wife's name is Connie, and so I put her in cancer and stare, and she went into a rage and speeds up the pace, and I tell her:
- Slightly slower Koni, a little slower.
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At the ball, the hussars huddled in a circle:
- Tell me, Rzhevsky, does that lady take it in her mouth?
- Undoubtedly!
- Lieutenant, and that one?
- Ta? And how!
“And this one in the pink dress?”
- Wait a minute, now she will turn around ... Yes, she takes it!
- But how did you know, she just appeared here today?!
- There is a mouth - it means he takes it!
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The chicken bangs its head against the wall and says:
- A shame! What a disgrace!
Mom came:
- Son, what's the matter?
- Mom, is it true that my dad is a cock?
- Yes, son!
- A shame! What a disgrace!!!
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Men don't take off their socks during sex to show women how much they liked their gift.
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Phone sex is legal in Estonia, but you can't hear it through a condom.
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If a man thinks that sex is not the most important thing in life, then he just had it.
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After a blowjob, the girl climbs to kiss, the young man moves away. She says:
- Strange you, men - after your own disgusting, and after strangers kiss ...
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Girls, don't have young lovers! Tonight, instead of sex, I explained who the pioneers are and what filmstrips are.
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I have great potential! So today I told my friend. Let him think what I mean.
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Talking about sex after 30
I am 32 years old, and, for example, my knees are already crackling, but only once or twice, then nothing. That's why I always go to the bathroom before doing anything. My husband probably thinks that I'm taking a shower, and I'm squatting there to the sound of water to warm up.
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“The Battle of the Kama Sutra,” Lyokha nodded at his broken leg.
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Dear graduates! Little tip: don't throw yours away school uniform after graduation. She you then in family life still useful.
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One of the most effective contraceptives are children already in the family.
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Told my wife that I had so severe stress that only blowjob can help.
She asked me where I was going to suck cock at this time of the night.
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In the news: Female dragonflies pretend to be dead to avoid mating. Is it just dragonflies?
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I decided to approach sex creatively - I did everything with my own hands.
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The man turned to the police:
- Missing wife.
- Describe your wife.
The man thought for a second:
- With one condition, when there is a wife, you will not show her this description.
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Today at the polyclinic the doctor slipped me a pamphlet about the consequences of promiscuity.
I wanted to neigh, probably ... I haven’t even had a decent one for a long time ...
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Two days ago, my wife watched some kind of melodrama - arranged a romantic dinner. Yesterday was some kind of erotic film - it was a fantastic night! Today I'm sitting, deleting all channels with "horror films"!
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The more sex - the better the figure, the better the figure - the more sex. The perfect system!
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iron rule in family relationships: whoever wanted sex first after a quarrel, he asks for forgiveness.
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On winter holidays student Lenochka gave herself to one of her many admirers.
“One less…” she remarked with satisfaction.
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There is no more beautiful sight in the world than a film about how babies are made.
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Friendship between a man and a woman is possible, but in most cases, someone has long, mentally, raped the other in all poses...!
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A man comes to brothel, he is asked:
- What do you want?
- Well, so that the chest is bigger, and p ... yes, smaller.
- Sit down, look at magazines. After a couple of minutes, the loudspeaker announces:
- man with big hands and small h... ym, go to room 5!
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Ukrainian village, night. A man under the window of the hut (in a whisper):
- Mykola!
from there (stifled whisper)
- What?
- Get out!
- For what?
- I've got vodka in store, fried dumplings, mushrooms, cucumbers, let's drink!
- I can't!
- what???
- That @ be me, be it wrong !!!
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A monkey is sitting on the shore, smoking a joint. Beaver floats. He moved his nose, approaches the monkey:
- Give me a puff!
- Okay, on! Only, to better insert, drag on, dive - and along the bottom to the other side, you will exhale there!
So he did. It emerges on the other side, exhales - right into the muzzle of the hippopotamus, which is standing there.
Hippopotamus:
- Where did you get it?
- Yes, there, on the other side of the monkey smokes - she treated.
The hippopotamus dives and runs along the bottom to the other side. Emerges in front of the monkey itself. She drops the joint and shouts:
- Breathe, beaver, breathe!
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The guy takes care of the girl for a long time, but does not take decisive steps.
Her older sister jokes:
- Kohl, maybe you don't have anything in your pants? Show me!
He shows. Sister freezes.
- Anya, either you take it, or I - such a value should remain in the family!
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A man was walking across a field. late, tired, he wanted sex, wildly. Night. Nobody. He sees a field planted with pumpkins. Well, he cut a pumpkin, cut a hole, and does his hard-hitting business. A policeman was patrolling in these parts, he saw the whole thing from behind the bushes, and so behind the peasant, coughing:
- Like, sorry, Lieutenant Eremenko. What are you doing, man, messing with state property? ... Not good!..
Man (not stopping)
- Damn, what time is it?
Policeman:
- Exactly 00 hours 05 minutes.
Man:
- B% I, Comrade Lieutenant, I swear, five minutes ago I was Cinderella ...
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A man rides on the top shelf of a compartment car. A lady enters a compartment at the station. She begins to get vodka, a snack and uses it all with relish. The man thinks that it would be nice to start a conversation and begins:
- Dear lady, what is your name?
- And what to call me - right now I’ll finish my drink, have a snack and climb myself!
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An intelligent man near the underpass chooses a bouquet of flowers, there are many aunts selling flowers, bouquets ... here he comes, chooses, sniffs ... from the far end, the voice of the aunt-saleswoman:
- Man, smell me, it will stand for a week!
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Dear ladies, if you blackmail your man with a lack of sex, then, most likely, only you will not have it.
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If you bend under a man, then only when he passionately breathes in the back.
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If a man pays a woman after sex, she is a prostitute, if before sex, she is a lover, and if before and after, she is a wife.
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Do not offer sex, coded, I'm afraid to break.
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The family of new settlers examines new apartment. Discuss - where to put what furniture. Suddenly a five-year-old child says:
- And here we will kill the shelf.
Daddy smacks him on the turnip:
- Understood?!
- Yes, I understand!
- What did you understand?
- She's not fucking needed here!
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Women who are offended by the fact that men are only interested in sex, calm down - after fifty this will stop.
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The psychologist has a lady:
“My husband and I have been married for 10 years. They dated for two years before getting married. Now there are two children, a mortgage for 10 years ... And I realized that he does not satisfy me in bed! Yes, and I like such athletic men, and he is a simple office plankton ... Doctor, what should I do?
Psychologist: - Throw the appeared lover.
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Typed in Yandex: "The benefits of sex." It turns out that we no longer need medicine. It's all about sex...
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When you're having sex on the kitchen table, make sure the guy isn't standing on the corner or he won't get married.
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- Let's!
The watchman comes out, yelling:
- Stand!
White says:
- Hello!
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Lesbian sex is like someone would come to storm the gate ancient city with gates from another city.
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I'll tell you this: in the days when there was no Internet, people were more likely to hang out with each other in bed at night.
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A man runs into the elevator and hits his chest with his elbow standing next to women.
- I beg your pardon - he says - but if you have the same soft heart as your chest, then you have no equal!
- Thank you! And if everything is as hard as an elbow, then I live in 31 apartments!
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Morning... Husband to wife. .
- Darling, make me this ... . . well, how is it ... . well this one. . ,
- OK, darling!
After a while, a satisfied husband:
- Yes, and figs with him, with this coffee!
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Cucumber queue.
1st woman says:
- I'm more authentic!
2nd:
- I'm more poppy!
3rd:
- I don't care, I'm for salad.
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In the restaurant:
- Waiter! Why does my coffee smell like dirty male cock???
Waiter sniffing coffee
- Madam, try to take the cup in the other hand...
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Daughter says to mother:
“Mom, I’m probably going to break up with my boyfriend.
- Why?
- I think he's an alcoholic!
- Where did you get it?
- Yesterday we danced a waltz, he clung to me and I felt that he had a bottle in his pants.
- What about a bottle?
- Well, about 0.7 liters.
- Daughter, marry him, I have lived all my life with a check!
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A padded bra is like a bag of chips: you open it and it's half empty. Women claim that the same problem with family shorts ...
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Oh them @ yase jungle f @ zdets. Have you got monkeys here yet?
- I will not sign up for hair removal anymore.
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Two Americans - white and black - came to Russia. White says:
- Let's get drunk on vodka at a construction site like Russians!
- Let's!
They got drunk on vodka, the black man passed out. White took him on his shoulder and carried him.
The watchman comes out, yelling:
- Stand!
White says:
- Hello!
- Sam x$ylo! Ruberoid put in place!
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In Russia, a Chinese came to a restaurant, not a word in Russian, he could not order anything. A Russian enters a restaurant, a Chinese thinks: “Whatever a Russian orders now, I will repeat.” Russian: - Waiter, sorrel with eggs, crayfish on my table, and sausages for 15 kopecks. Chinese: - The officer, sorrel eggs, cancer to me under the table, and suck for 15 kopecks.
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A drunk, stoned man calls the police.
- Ale! The commander robbed my car!!!
- Calm down. Explain what was stolen.
- Yes all! Radio, steering wheel unscrewed! Yes, the pedals su .. ki sawed off !!!
- Will seek.
5 minutes later call the police.
- Ale. Excuse me, commander, sat in the back seat.
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Two Georgians are dragging a dead bear.
Meet them the third.
- Wah, wah. What a big one! Grizzly?
- Nat, choking hands.
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Alyonushka says to Alyoshenka:
- Alyosha, if you break a birch, I will kiss you.
Alyosha went, broke a birch - kissed
- You'll break the oak.
- I'll break it.
- A pine.
- And you suck, I’ll break everything nafig !!!
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There are moments when a person tells you something very enthusiastically, and you look into the person’s eyes and understand - from the bottom of your heart you are f*cking!
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Two worms are digging in a dunghill. Father and son:
- Dad, do worms live in apples?
-Live son!
-What about mushrooms?
- And mushrooms too.
-And in Watermelons?
-Well, of course.
- Dad, well, why are we living in shit then ?!
- So after all, the motherland, son!
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Fuck you stupid chicken! So pick up the phone...
- Hello?
- Hi, my love, I miss you so much...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
How are you?
- Not good!
- What, sex rarely happens?
- Several times every day!
- Wow, with whom?
- With life - she has me 5-6 times a day ...
Today we have prepared for you the latest jokes funny to tears, which you can read for free online on the site.
Among these jokes, you will definitely find a few that will cheer you up and make you smile.
On the site, we publish positive news for you every day.
1. - Dear, do you share my opinion?
- Yes, dear, I divide it into two parts, I completely reject the first, and categorically disagree with the second!
2. - A man communicates with God:
- Lord, why are all girls gentle, sweet, affectionate, and all women
bitches and bitches?! The Lord answers:
- So I create girls, and you make them women ...
3. Bachelor Fried Egg:
1) - opened the refrigerator;
2) - scratched eggs;
3) closed the refrigerator.
4. The children at school argued that the fastest thing in the world.
Tanya says:
- The fastest is the word: you said it, and you won’t return it!
Vanechka says:
— The fastest light! I just turned it on and it's already on fire!
Vovochka in response:
- And I had diarrhea here, so I didn’t have time to say a word, or turn on the light ...
5. A blonde comes to the Auto Parts store and asks the salesperson:
- Do you have sensors?
- What sensors?
- Well, such that when I gave the light bulbs in the ass ...))
6. Calories are microbes that grow the stomach and ass.
7. - Girl, can I sit with you a little?
- It won’t work out a little, they turn gray with me all at once ...
8. Husband - wife:
- But what will you do if you see me kissing another woman?
- Well ... how faithful wife, I will visit you ... in traumatology ...
Jokes fresh short funny to tears
9. Hunting is a sport! Especially when you run out of ammo and the bear is still alive.
10. Here, it happens, you are just going to get rich - then you suddenly have to pay for an apartment, then your shoes will suddenly break ...
11. Short results Ultrasound showed: "To be a wedding!"
I have prepared for you 13 of the funniest short jokes to tears. While we selected jokes for you and read them, we were very funny right up to tears, as these are very funny jokes.
Jokes fresh funny to tears 2017
1. Candies are divided into two types:
a) Delicious.
b) Let dad eat these.
2. Husband - wife:
- But what will you do if you see me kissing another woman?
- Well ... as a faithful wife, I will visit you ... in traumatology ...
3. I am a modest guy, so I hide the abs with cubes ... under the fat.
4. Short results of ultrasound showed: “To be a wedding!”
Super funny jokes to tears
5. Hunting is a sport! Especially when you run out of ammo and the bear is still alive.
7. Who served in the army does not laugh in the circus. Whoever rewound the cassette with a pencil does not buy a spinner.
8. - Grandfather, are you sleeping?
- And what?
- Give me 500 rubles!
- Sleep, granddaughter, sleep!
9. - You lead the wrong way of life!
- Oh ... Don't envy me ...
Jokes funny to tears read for free
10. The husband came home at four o'clock in the morning. The wife says, annoyed:
I have no words!
- God bless!
11. If the first time you didn’t succeed, then skydiving is not for you.
12. - What are the three most common words in the world?
- "I love you"?
- Nonsense! "Made in China".
13. Anything you write in a search query can and will be used against you in contextual advertising.
14. Childhood ended at the moment
- when mom stopped hiding sweets from you, and dad started hiding cognac.
15. - All troubles ever end, trust me.
- And you, the optimist, however.
- No, I'm a caretaker at the cemetery.
Trolleybuses are married buses.
Little boy in the liquor store:
- Aunty, give me a bottle of vodka, my dad sent me.
- Well, sent and sent, because of this you should not get drunk.
Faculty of journalism. Audience. The inscription on the desk:
"I love Vasya." Below is the inscription:
"Relax, fool. Vasya gay "More below:
"I'm not stupid, I'm smart"
Announcement: "The circus will hire 10 more trapeze artists."
- Are your cutlets made from hazel grouse?
- Well, in general, yes. True, we add other meat to them.
- Which?
- Horse.
- What is the proportion?
- 50 to 50. One hazel grouse - one horse.
I definitely - TREASURE!!! Wherever my husband and I go, everyone tells him - where did you dig it up?
Very funny new jokes to tears
For the toilet, the New Year is also a good holiday!
Instead of butts, you can see a lot of nice faces!
Your daughter has just agreed to be my wife.
- It's my own fault, there was nothing to go here every evening!
The cosmetologist made the patient an ancient Greek profile, smoothed wrinkles, removed a double chin, and reduced her mouth.
-What else would you like?
-Can you make big expressive eyes?
-Certainly! Take a look at the bill.
Recently I was on a bus, a girl of 3 years old was sitting next to me ... we are passing a field of sunflowers, she looks at them and says: “they * I have daisies for myself.”
Two friends are sitting in a bar, one says to the other:
“Look, that girl over there liked me.
- Why do you think so?
She looked at me and smiled.
- When I first saw you, I actually laughed for half an hour!
In the minibus, a young mother begs her daughter:
- Daughter, take the boobs, it's time to eat ... Take the boobs, otherwise I'll give it to my uncle ...
Some guy opposite:
- Girl, think faster, otherwise I have already traveled three stops!
Father reprimands Vovochka:
How many times have I told you not to play with matches!
- I didn’t play ... I lit a cigarette ...
Congratulations, it is immediately clear that you are married ... the shirt is perfectly ironed!
- Oh yeah! This is the first thing my wife taught me.
What were you doing before you got married?
- What, what ... What he wanted, so he did!
And Natasha gave me sex for the New Year!
- What a non-original one you have, gives everyone the same thing!
Armenian radio asks:
- Can a man rape a running woman?
Georgian radio answers:
- No! Because a woman with her skirt up runs faster than a man with his pants down.
The best and funniest jokes to read online
Popular sign: if in the morning with a hangover the toothbrush does not fit in the mouth, then it is intended
for cleaning shoes.
The toad strangled Ivan Tsarevich until he married her.
Hello, hello darling! What are you doing now?
- I'm making a jellied fish ...
- Wow! Can you do it?!
- Ah, then! A piece of roach, a sip of beer ...
Sobchak is no longer invited to conduct a corporate party, prices have been raised three times.
- Come on, we called her twice to the restaurant and once even to the sauna, and all for free.
- How is that?
- At a meeting with voters.
The parachute did not open, the man falls. Another man flies towards him. First to him:
How to open the spare?
- I don't know, I'm a sapper!
A resident of the city of Togliatti, married a mechanic, gave birth to a gear.
I am a tomato, I am happy with the sun!
- I plum lilac, tasty, garden!
- And I'm Kirill, I haven't smoked with you yet...
Dear friends, today we have selected funny jokes for you to the point of tears to cheer you up and give you a charge of vivacity and positive for the whole day. Read our funny jokes and share them on social networks.
The most hilarious jokes
There are two people in the compartment. One is dozing, the other is solving a crossword puzzle with a pencil in his hands. The one who solves the crossword puzzle asks:
– Excuse me, do you know a solid cylindrical oblong object of three letters ending in ..y?
– Of course I know, it's a cue.
- Excuse me, do you have any rubber bands?
I decided to fire my secretary, - says the head of the engineer.
- Why? asks the engineer.
- Yes, just recently, on the day of my anniversary, I meet her on the street, she carries two huge bags. I offered to help her. Carry her bags home. She invited me for a cup of coffee.
- So it's good!
- We went to her. She went into the next room and told me to go there when she called me there.
- Well, it's wonderful!
- After a couple of minutes, she called, I entered: there was a set table in the room, at which my colleagues were sitting.
- So it's great!
- But, can you imagine how I went there?
Vasily took himself to the cinema today, to a restaurant, bought himself a present and, of course, now he hopes for sex.
The man runs after the bus.
Screaming, waving his arms.
People from the bus are yelling:
- Dude, it's good to run, we'll pee from laughter!
- You can do it - I'm the driver ...
Holy Father, I have sinned...
Well, I've sinned and I've sinned.
What are you going to tell everyone?
The most hilarious jokes to tears
Well? To you or to me?
- Man, why did you decide that I would agree?
- Madam, let's face it: what else would a 35-year-old woman come to a carburetor exhibition for?
The head physician of a psychiatric hospital introduces the work of a new
employee.
He opens the door to one of the rooms and says:
- And here we have only motorists.
"But why isn't anyone here?" - be surprised newbie.
“They all lie under the beds and do repairs.
- Son, tell me, do you smoke weed?
"Daddy, I'm your daughter!"
On Easter, the children laid out colored eggs in the poultry yard - yellow, green, blue ...
A rooster comes up to the eggs, looks at them for a long time and says gloomily:
- Yes. Still, you'll have to beat the peacock's face.
Husband and wife in the kitchen. Suddenly from behind the wall:
— P@horas!
Husband to wife:
- Turn on the telly, I completely forgot, our people play football there!
Jokes are hilarious and funny
What are you doing doctor? I needed to pull out a completely different tooth!
- Calm down, dear, gradually I will get to him!
There is a gingerbread man from the bath. Suddenly he stops, hits himself on the forehead and says:
- Damn! And I forgot to wash my hair!
“Yesterday I wrote on my neighbor’s dirty car: “Wash me!”
- And what?
“Today I’m walking and I see that the car is just as dirty, and below my inscription it’s added: “Come and I’ll wash it!”.
The teacher asks:
"Children, which one of you saved someone's life?"
Silence in the classroom and only a hand reaches up from the last desk.
- Well, tell us, Vovochka.
“I saved my nephew's life.
- Very interesting! Tell how?
Swapped my sister's birth control pills for vitamins.
Itchy nose - to booze.
It itches in the groin - see a doctor.
It itches *oops - for adventure!
Spring. I want to go to the forest. Find a lair, wake up a bear. And then run, run away from him, choking with delight ...
The old man married the young.
A year later, her grandfather brought her to the hospital to give birth.
- Well, you give!
The doctor says.
- You must always keep the engine running!
Proudly answered grandfather.
A year later, he again brings his wife to give birth.
- Well, grandpa, you can!
The doctor was surprised.
- The motor must be kept working!
Proudly answered grandfather.
A year later, the wife gives birth again.
The doctor whispers in my grandfather's ear:
- Grandpa, change the oil, the black one was born!
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