It was in 1995, the Russian gang of thieves ... didn’t forget this year, if she remained alive ... There was freedom in the country, who she freed from work, who she exacerbated to the next world, then lived richly - only the gang of thieves.
Yes! Whoever was in power at that time, easily saved up billions for himself.
And the Cossacks on the Don tried as hard as they could - they resisted here! To feed their families, and supply the capital with meat.
My working days ... then took place in the procurement office. It was summer...
So we handed over the pigs, collected travel sausages, fresh, with the smell of garlic from pure meat, rub each kilogram, not like they sell sausage now, it contains 10% meat, and the rest is unknown what. At that time, for such a sausage, in which only 10% of meat, at least five years general regime they would have given it by stage without delay, sent it to not so remote places.
Due to the fact that we worked without a cap and any incidents, we stopped at a shop.
We took in this store, a liter bottle of Streletskaya ...
A green man lived in a green city. He lived in a green house with a green door and green windows. He had a green wife and two green children. At night he slept in his green bed and had green, green dreams.
One day a green man got up on a green morning, put on a green shirt, green trousers and green shoes. He put a green hat on his head and left the house. The green man got into his green car and drove down the green road. On one side of the road was the green sea, and on the other side...
Phone call distracted from the not very important things at work. teacher kindergarten? Something happened to them there, they were taken hostage, in a word, an emergency. I rushed to the garden in a long 7 minutes, without even changing clothes, in a medical gown, but I only had time for the "shaposhny analysis."
The children had already been taken out, and my neighbor was going to take them home. For some reason, anxiety and hidden panic are in the air. Exclamations and whispers: “Now SHE doesn’t let anyone in ...”, “He died, he died, and grandma, the door from the inside ... clicked ...
The Story of a Friend's Wife
The guy broke up with the girl, he is lonely, so he turns to his friend's wife with a request to find him a girlfriend. She:
- Will you love her?
- Will.
- On the hands to wear?
- Will.
- Giving gifts?
- Will.
- Listen, maybe I'll come to you?
Safety Engineer
As our safety engineer says, nothing pleases the eye like a second eye!
Visual acuity test
Ophthalmologist:
- Read this line!
Patient:
- I can not.
- Yes, you have...
The first time I fell in love was in 4th grade. Then they merged the men's and girls' schools, and girls came to our 4th grade. Our school used to be male, and the girls came to us. The first days of study were unusual: there was silence in the class, because both boys and girls did not yet know each other. However, a week later the situation changed dramatically. After everyone got to know each other, there was constant noise during the lessons, and it was difficult for the teachers to teach.
Her name was Galya Kapustina. She wasn't pretty...
Wax runs in a thin strip along a long curved candle. She smells like vanilla. I don't like vanilla. An angel sits on the windowsill and looks into the sky. He wants to go home, and I keep him. I keep my thoughts and attempts to be with my beloved man. I make you fly everywhere and keep you from doing crazy things. He is tired and sighs blue pollen. I want to apologize, but this is his job ... I ask the angel to find my beloved, but he refuses. And what about him, really?
The angel is crying. Didn't know this could happen...
At about 11 o'clock, for some - in the afternoon, for someone - in the morning, a bell rang in my apartment. I went to open.
There were two lovely women standing on the landing. They held pamphlets in their hands. The one who was taller and bolder turned to me with a smile:
Hello! We have come to you at the behest of the Lord God.
An unpleasant musty smell wafted from the entrance, and therefore, with a counter question, I tried to speed up the time of communication with the messengers:
And why did he send you to me?
We brought you...
Notebooks in the rain
At recess, Marik says to me:
Let's get out of class. Look how good it is outside!
What if Aunt Dasha delays with briefcases?
Throw your briefcases out the window.
We looked out the window: near the wall it was dry, and a little further away there was a huge puddle. Don't throw your portfolios into the puddle! We removed the straps from our trousers, tied them together, and carefully lowered our briefcases over them. At this time, the bell rang. The teacher entered. I had to sit down. The lesson has begun. Rain poured outside the window. Marik writes me a note: "Our notebooks are gone"
I answer him: "Our notebooks are gone"
He writes to me: "What shall we do?"
I answer him: "What are we going to do?"
Suddenly they call me to the blackboard.
I can’t, I say, I can go to the blackboard.
“How, - I think, - to go without a belt?”
Go, go, I will help you, - says the teacher.
You don't need to help me.
Did you happen to get sick?
I'm sick, I say.
How about homework?
Good with homework.
The teacher comes up to me.
Well, show me your notebook.
What's going on with you?
You'll have to put in a two.
He opens the magazine and gives me a F, and I think about my notebook, which is now getting wet in the rain.
The teacher gave me a deuce and calmly says this:
You are strange today...
How I sat under the desk
Only the teacher turned away to the blackboard, and I once - and under the desk. When the teacher notices that I have disappeared, he will be terribly surprised, probably.
I wonder what he'll think? He will ask everyone where I have gone - that will be laughter! Half a lesson has already passed, and I'm still sitting. “When, I think, will he see that I am not in the class?” And it's hard to sit under the desk. My back even hurt. Try to sit like this! I coughed - no attention. I can't sit anymore. Moreover, Seryozhka pokes me in the back with his foot all the time. I couldn't stand it. Didn't make it to the end of the lesson. I get out and say:
Excuse me, Pyotr Petrovich...
The teacher asks:
What's the matter? Do you want to board?
No, excuse me, I was sitting under the desk...
Well, how comfortable to sit there, under the desk? You were very quiet today. That's the way it's always been in class.
When Goga started going to first grade, he knew only two letters: O - a circle and T - a hammer. And that's it. I didn't know any other letters. And he couldn't read.
Grandmother tried to teach him, but he immediately came up with a trick:
Now, now, granny, I'll wash the dishes for you.
And he immediately ran to the kitchen to wash the dishes. And the old grandmother forgot about her studies and even bought him gifts for helping with the household. And Gogin's parents were on a long business trip and hoped for a grandmother. And of course, they did not know that their son had not yet learned to read. But Goga often washed the floor and dishes, went for bread, and his grandmother praised him in every possible way in letters to his parents. And read aloud to him. And Goga, sitting comfortably on the sofa, listened with eyes closed. “Why should I learn to read,” he reasoned, “if my grandmother reads aloud to me.” He didn't even try.
And in class, he dodged as best he could.
The teacher tells him:
Read it right here.
He pretended to read, and he himself told from memory what his grandmother read to him. The teacher stopped him. To the laughter of the class, he said:
Do you want me I'd better close a window leaf so as not to blow.
I'm so dizzy that I'm probably about to fall...
He pretended so skillfully that one day his teacher sent him to the doctor. The doctor asked:
How is your health?
Bad, - said Goga.
What hurts?
Well then go to class.
Because nothing hurts you.
How do you know?
How do you know that? the doctor laughed. And he lightly pushed Goga to the exit. Goga never pretended to be sick again, but he continued to evade.
And the efforts of classmates did not lead to anything. First, Masha, an excellent student, was attached to him.
Let's study seriously, - Masha told him.
When? Goga asked.
Yeah right now.
Now I will come, - said Goga.
And he left and didn't come back.
Then Grisha, an excellent student, was attached to him. They stayed in the classroom. But as soon as Grisha opened the primer, Goga reached under the desk.
Where are you going? - asked Grisha.
Come here, - called Goga.
And here no one will interfere with us.
Yah you! - Grisha, of course, was offended and immediately left.
No one else was attached to him.
As time went. He dodged.
Gogin's parents arrived and found that their son could not read a single line. The father grabbed his head, and the mother grabbed the book that she brought to her child.
Now every evening, - she said, - I will read aloud this wonderful book to my son.
Grandma said:
Yes, yes, I also read interesting books aloud to Gogochka every evening.
But the father said:
You really shouldn't have done it. Our Gogochka has grown lazy to such an extent that he cannot read a single line. I ask everyone to leave for the meeting.
And dad, along with grandma and mom, left for a meeting. And Goga was at first worried about the meeting, and then calmed down when his mother began to read to him from a new book. And even dangled his legs with pleasure and almost spat on the carpet.
But he didn't know what the meeting was! What did they decide!
So Mom read him a page and a half after the meeting. And he, dangling his legs, naively imagined that this would continue to continue. But when mom stopped at the very interesting place He got excited again.
And when she handed him the book, he became even more excited.
He immediately suggested:
Come on, Mommy, I'll wash the dishes.
And he ran to wash the dishes.
He ran to his father.
The father strictly told him never to make such requests to him again.
He slipped the book to his grandmother, but she yawned and dropped it from her hands. He picked up the book from the floor and gave it back to his grandmother. But she again dropped it from her hands. No, she had never fallen asleep so quickly in her chair before! “Is it really,” thought Goga, “is she sleeping, or was she instructed at the meeting to pretend? Goga pulled her, shook her, but grandmother did not even think of waking up.
In desperation, he sat down on the floor and looked at the pictures. But from the pictures it was difficult to understand what was going on there.
He brought the book to class. But classmates refused to read to him. Even more than that: Masha immediately left, and Grisha defiantly crawled under the desk.
Goga stuck to a high school student, but he flicked his nose and laughed.
That's what a home meeting means!
That's what the public means!
He soon read the whole book and many other books, but out of habit he never forgot to go out for bread, wash the floor or wash the dishes.
That's what's interesting!
Who is surprised
Tanya is not surprised by anything. She always says: "That's not surprising!" Even if it's surprising. Yesterday, in front of everyone, I jumped over such a puddle ... No one could jump over, but I jumped over! Everyone was surprised, except Tanya.
“Think! So what? It's not surprising!"
I tried my best to surprise her. But he couldn't be surprised. No matter how much I tried.
I hit a sparrow from a slingshot.
He learned to walk on his hands, to whistle with one finger in his mouth.
She saw it all. But she wasn't surprised.
I tried my best. What I didn't do! He climbed trees, walked without a hat in winter ...
She wasn't surprised at all.
And one day I just went out into the yard with a book. Sat down on a bench. And began to read.
I didn't even see Tanya. And she says:
Marvelous! That would not have thought! He reads!
Prize
We made the original costumes - no one else will have them! I will be a horse, and Vovka a knight. The only bad thing is that he should ride me and not me on him. And all because I'm a little younger. True, we agreed with him: he will not ride me all the time. He rides me a little, and then he gets down and leads behind him, like horses are led by the bridle. And so we went to the carnival. They came to the club in ordinary costumes, and then changed and went out into the hall. I mean, we moved in. I crawled on all fours. And Vovka was sitting on my back. True, Vovka helped me - he touched the floor with his feet. But it still wasn't easy for me.
And I haven't seen anything yet. I was wearing a horse mask. I couldn't see anything at all, even though there were holes in the mask for the eyes. But they were somewhere on the forehead. I crawled in the dark.
Bumped into someone's legs. He ran into a convoy twice. Sometimes I shook my head, then the mask moved out, and I saw the light. But for a moment. And then it's dark again. I couldn't keep shaking my head!
I saw the light for a moment. And Vovka didn’t see anything at all. And all the time he asked me what was ahead. And asked to crawl more carefully. And so I crawled carefully. I didn't see anything myself. How could I know what was ahead! Someone stepped on my arm. I stopped right now. And he refused to move on. I told Vovka:
Enough. Get off.
Vovka probably liked the ride, and he didn't want to get off. He said it's still early. But still he got down, took me by the bridle, and I crawled on. Now it was easier for me to crawl, although I still could not see anything.
I offered to take off the masks and look at the carnival, and then put on the masks again. But Vovka said:
Then we will be recognized.
It's probably fun here, - I said. - Only we don't see anything ...
But Vovka walked in silence. He was determined to endure to the end. Get first prize.
My knees hurt. I said:
I will now sit on the floor.
Can horses sit? - said Vovka. - You're crazy! You are a horse!
I am not a horse, I said. You are a horse yourself.
No, you're a horse, - answered Vovka. - Otherwise we won't get a bonus.
So be it, - I said. - I'm tired.
Be patient, - said Vovka.
I crawled up to the wall, leaned against it and sat on the floor.
You are sitting? - asked Vovka.
I'm sitting, I said.
Well, okay, - Vovka agreed. - You can still sit on the floor. Just don't sit on a chair. Do you understand? A horse - and suddenly on a chair! ..
Music blared all around, laughing.
I asked:
Will it end soon?
Be patient, - said Vovka, - probably soon ...
Vovka also could not stand it. Sat on the sofa. I sat next to him. Then Vovka fell asleep on the couch. And I fell asleep too.
Then they woke us up and gave us a bonus.
In the closet
Before class, I climbed into the closet. I wanted to meow from the closet. They'll think it's a cat, but it's me.
I sat in the closet, waited for the start of the lesson and did not notice myself how I fell asleep.
I wake up - the class is quiet. I look through the crack - no one is there. He pushed the door, and it was closed. So I slept through the whole lesson. Everyone went home, and they locked me in the closet.
Stuffy in the closet and dark as night. I was scared, I started screaming:
Eee! I'm in the closet! Help!
Listened - silence all around.
ABOUT! Comrades! I'm in the closet!
I hear someone's steps. Someone is coming.
Who is yelling here?
I immediately recognized Aunt Nyusha, the cleaner.
I rejoiced, I shout:
Aunt Nyusha, I'm here!
Where are you, dear?
I'm in the closet! In the closet!
How did you, dear, get there?
I'm in the closet, grandma!
So I hear that you're in the closet. So what do you want?
I was locked in a closet. Oh, grandma!
Aunt Nyusha left. Silence again. She must have gone for the key.
Pal Palych tapped on the cabinet with his finger.
There is no one there, - said Pal Palych.
How not. Yes, - said Aunt Nyusha.
Well, where is he? - said Pal Palych and knocked again on the cabinet.
I was afraid that everyone would leave, I would stay in the closet, and I shouted with all my might:
I'm here!
Who are you? asked Pal Palych.
I... Tsypkin...
Why did you climb up there, Tsypkin?
They locked me up... I didn't get in...
Um... He's locked up! But he didn't get in! Did you see? What wizards in our school! They do not climb into the closet while they are locked in the closet. Miracles don't happen, do you hear, Tsypkin?
How long have you been sitting there? asked Pal Palych.
Don't know...
Find the key, - said Pal Palych. - Fast.
Aunt Nyusha went for the key, but Pal Palych remained. He sat down on a chair nearby and waited. I saw his face through the crack. He was very angry. He lit up and said:
Well! That's where the prank comes in. Tell me honestly: why are you in the closet?
I really wanted to disappear from the closet. They open the closet, but I'm not there. As if I had never been there. They will ask me: “Were you in the closet?” I'll say, "I didn't." They will say to me: “Who was there?” I'll say, "I don't know."
But that only happens in fairy tales! Surely tomorrow mom will be called ... Your son, they will say, climbed into the closet, slept there all the lessons, and all that ... as if it’s comfortable for me to sleep here! My legs hurt, my back hurts. One pain! What was my answer?
I was silent.
Are you alive there? asked Pal Palych.
Well, sit down, they will open soon ...
I am sitting...
So ... - said Pal Palych. - So you will answer me, why did you climb into this closet?
Who? Tsypkin? In the closet? Why?
I wanted to disappear again.
The director asked:
Tsypkin, are you?
I sighed heavily. I just couldn't answer anymore.
Aunt Nyusha said:
The class leader took the key.
Break open the door, - said the director.
I felt the door being broken - the closet shook, I hit my forehead painfully. I was afraid that the cabinet would fall, and I cried. I rested my hands on the walls of the closet, and when the door gave way and opened, I continued to stand in the same way.
Well, come out, - said the director. And tell us what that means.
I didn't move. I was scared.
Why is he worth it? the director asked.
They took me out of the closet.
I was silent all the time.
I didn't know what to say.
I just wanted to meow. But how would I put it...
carousel in the head
By the end school year I asked my father to buy me a two-wheeled bicycle, a battery-powered submachine gun, a battery-powered airplane, a flying helicopter, and table hockey.
I so want to have these things! - I said to my father. - They are constantly spinning in my head like a carousel, and this makes my head spin so much that it is difficult to stay on my feet.
Hold on, - said the father, - do not fall and write all these things on a piece of paper for me so that I do not forget.
But why write, they already sit firmly in my head.
Write, - said the father, - it doesn't cost you anything.
In general, it costs nothing, - I said, - just an extra hassle. - And I wrote capital letters for the whole sheet:
WILISAPET
GUN-GUN
VIRTALET
Then I thought about it and decided to write “ice cream” again, went to the window, looked at the sign opposite and added:
ICE CREAM
Father read and says:
I'll buy you ice cream for now, and wait for the rest.
I thought he had no time now, and I ask:
Until what time?
Until better times.
Until what?
Until next year ends.
Yes, because the letters in your head are spinning like a carousel, this makes you dizzy, and the words are not on their feet.
It's like words have legs!
And I've already bought ice cream a hundred times.
Betball
Today you should not go outside - today is a game ... - said dad mysteriously, looking out the window.
Which? I asked from behind my father's back.
Wetball, - he answered even more mysteriously and put me on the windowsill.
A-ah-ah ... - I drawled.
Apparently, dad guessed that I did not understand anything, and began to explain.
Vetball is football, only trees play it, and the wind is driven instead of the ball. We say - a hurricane or a storm, and they are a wetball. Look how the birch trees rustled - they are giving them poplars ... Wow! How they swayed - it is clear that they conceded a goal, they could not hold the wind with branches ... Well, another pass! Dangerous moment...
Dad spoke just like a real commentator, and I, spellbound, looked out into the street and thought that vetball would probably give 100 points ahead to any football, basketball and even handball! Although I didn't fully understand the meaning of the latter...
Breakfast
Actually, I love breakfast. Especially if mom cooks sausage or cheese sandwiches instead of porridge. But sometimes you want something unusual. For example, today or yesterday. I once asked my mother for today, but she looked at me in surprise and offered an afternoon snack.
No, - I say, - I would just like today. Well, or yesterday, at worst ...
Yesterday there was soup for lunch ... - Mom was confused. - Would you like to warm up?
In general, I did not understand anything.
And I myself don’t really understand how these today’s and yesterday’s look and what they taste like. Maybe yesterday's people really do taste like yesterday's soup. But what then is the taste of today? Probably something today. Breakfast, for example. On the other hand, why are breakfasts so called? Well, that is, if according to the rules, then breakfast should be called today, because they cooked it for me today and I will eat it today. Now, if I leave it for tomorrow, then it's a completely different matter. Although no. After all, tomorrow it will become yesterday.
So would you like porridge or soup? she asked carefully.
How the boy Yasha ate badly
Yasha was good to everyone, he just ate badly. All the time with concerts. Either mom sings to him, or dad shows tricks. And he gets along:
- Don't want.
Mom says:
- Yasha, eat porridge.
- Don't want.
Papa says:
- Yasha, drink juice!
- Don't want.
Mom and dad got tired of persuading him every time. And then my mother read in one scientific pedagogical book that children should not be persuaded to eat. It is necessary to put a plate of porridge in front of them and wait for them to get hungry and eat everything.
They put, put plates in front of Yasha, but he does not eat and does not eat anything. He doesn't eat meatballs, soup, or porridge. He became thin and dead, like a straw.
-Yasha, eat porridge!
- Don't want.
- Yasha, eat soup!
- Don't want.
Previously, his pants were hard to fasten, but now he dangled completely freely in them. It was possible to launch another Yasha into these pants.
And then one day he blew strong wind. And Yasha played on the site. He was very light, and the wind rolled him around the site. Rolled up to the wire mesh fence. And there Yasha got stuck.
So he sat, pressed against the fence by the wind, for an hour.
Mom calls:
- Yasha, where are you? Go home with the soup to suffer.
But he doesn't go. He is not even heard. He not only became dead himself, but his voice became dead. Nothing is heard that he squeaks there.
And he squeaks:
- Mom, take me away from the fence!
Mom began to worry - where did Yasha go? Where to look for it? Yasha is not seen and not heard.
Dad said this:
- I think our Yasha was rolled away somewhere by the wind. Come on, mom, we'll take the pot of soup out onto the porch. The wind will blow and the smell of soup will bring to Yasha. On this delicious smell, he will crawl.
So they did. They carried the pot of soup out onto the porch. The wind carried the smell to Yasha.
Yasha smelled the smell delicious soup, immediately crawled to the smell. Because he was cold, he lost a lot of strength.
He crawled, crawled, crawled for half an hour. But he reached his goal. He came to the kitchen to his mother and how he immediately eats a whole pot of soup! How to eat three cutlets at once! How to drink three glasses of compote!
Mom was amazed. She didn't even know whether to be happy or upset. She says:
- Yasha, if you eat like this every day, I won’t have enough food.
Yasha reassured her:
– No, Mom, I don’t eat so much every day. I correct past mistakes. I bubu, like all children, eat well. I'm a completely different boy.
I wanted to say "I will", but he got "boob". Do you know why? Because his mouth was full of apples. He couldn't stop.
Since then, Yasha has been eating well.
secrets
Are you good at secrets?
If you don't know how, I will teach you.
Take a clean piece of glass and dig a hole in the ground. Put a candy wrapper in the hole, and on the candy wrapper - everything that you have beautiful.
You can put a stone, a fragment of a plate, a bead, a bird's feather, a ball (you can use glass, you can use metal).
You can use an acorn or an acorn cap.
Maybe a multi-colored piece.
It can be a flower, a leaf, or even just grass.
Maybe real candy.
You can elderberry, dry beetle.
You can even eraser, if it is beautiful.
Yes, you can have another button if it's shiny.
Here you go. Have you put it down?
Now cover it all with glass and cover it with earth. And then slowly clear the ground with your finger and look into the hole ... You know how beautiful it will be! I made a “secret”, remembered the place and left.
The next day my "secret" was gone. Someone dug it up. Some bully.
I made a "secret" in another place. And they dug it up again!
Then I decided to track down who was doing this business ... And of course, this person turned out to be Pavlik Ivanov, who else ?!
Then I again made a "secret" and put a note in it:
"Pavlik Ivanov, you are a fool and a bully."
An hour later, the note was gone. Peacock did not look into my eyes.
Well, did you read it? I asked Pavlik.
I didn’t read anything,” Pavlik said. - You're a fool yourself.
Composition
One day we were told to write an essay in class on the topic “I help my mother.”
I took a pen and began to write:
"I always help my mom. I sweep the floor and wash the dishes. Sometimes I wash handkerchiefs.”
I didn't know what to write anymore. I looked at Lucy. That's what she wrote in her notebook.
Then I remembered that I washed my stockings once, and wrote:
“I also wash stockings and socks.”
I didn't really know what to write anymore. But you can’t hand over such a short essay!
Then I added:
“I also wash T-shirts, shirts and shorts.”
I looked around. Everyone wrote and wrote. I wonder what they write about? You might think that they help mom from morning to night!
And the lesson didn't end. And I had to keep going.
“I also wash dresses, mine and my mother’s, napkins and a bedspread.”
And the lesson never ended. And I wrote:
“I also love washing curtains and tablecloths.”
And then the bell finally rang!
I got a "five". The teacher read my essay aloud. She said that she liked my composition the most. And that she will read it at the parent-teacher meeting.
I begged my mother not to go to Parent meeting. I said that my throat hurts. But my mother told my father to give me hot milk with honey and went to school.
The following conversation took place at breakfast the next morning.
Mom: And you know, Syoma, it turns out that our daughter writes compositions wonderfully!
Dad: It doesn't surprise me. She has always been good at writing.
Mom: No, really! I'm not kidding, Vera Evstigneevna praises her. She was very pleased that our daughter loves to wash curtains and tablecloths.
Dad: What?!
Mom: Really, Syoma, is it wonderful? - Turning to me: - Why have you never admitted this to me before?
I was shy, I said. - I thought you wouldn't let me.
Well, what are you! Mom said. - Don't be shy, please! Wash our curtains today. It's good that I don't have to haul them to the laundry!
I goggled my eyes. The curtains were huge. Ten times I could wrap myself in them! But it was too late to retreat.
I washed the curtains piece by piece. While I was lathering one piece, the other was completely washed out. I'm just tired of these pieces! Then I rinsed the curtains in the bathroom piece by piece. When I finished squeezing one piece, water from neighboring pieces was again poured into it.
Then I climbed onto a stool and began to hang the curtains on a rope.
Well, that was the worst! While I was pulling one piece of the curtain onto the rope, the other fell to the floor. And in the end, the whole curtain fell to the floor, and I fell on it from the stool.
I became quite wet - at least squeeze it out.
The curtain had to be dragged back into the bathroom. But the floor in the kitchen shone like new.
Water was pouring from the curtains all day.
I put all the pots and pans we had under the curtains. Then she put the kettle on the floor, three bottles, and all the cups and saucers. But water still flooded the kitchen.
Oddly enough, my mother was pleased.
You did a great job washing the curtains! - said my mother, walking around the kitchen in galoshes. I didn't know you were so capable! Tomorrow you will wash the tablecloth...
What is my head thinking
If you think that I am a good student, you are wrong. I study hard. For some reason, everyone thinks that I am capable, but lazy. I don't know if I'm capable or not. But only I know for sure that I'm not lazy. I sit on tasks for three hours.
Here, for example, now I'm sitting and I want to solve the problem with all my might. And she does not dare. I tell my mom
Mom, I can't do it.
Don't be lazy, says mom. - Think carefully, and everything will work out. Just think carefully!
She's leaving on business. And I take my head with both hands and say to her:
Think head. Think carefully… “Two pedestrians went from point A to point B…” Head, why don't you think? Well, head, well, think, please! Well, what are you worth!
A cloud floats outside the window. It is as light as fluff. Here it stopped. No, it floats on.
Head, what are you thinking? Aren `t you ashamed!!! “Two pedestrians went from point A to point B ...” Luska, probably, also left. She is already walking. If she had approached me first, I would have forgiven her, of course. But is she suitable, such a pest ?!
"...From point A to point B..." No, it won't fit. On the contrary, when I go out into the yard, she will take Lena by the arm and will whisper with her. Then she will say: "Len, come to me, I have something." They will leave, and then they will sit on the windowsill and laugh and gnaw on seeds.
“... Two pedestrians left point A for point B...” And what will I do?.. And then I will call Kolya, Petka and Pavlik to play bast shoes. And what will she do? Yeah, she'll put on a Three Fat Men record. Yes, so loudly that Kolya, Petka and Pavlik will hear and run to ask her to let them listen. They listened a hundred times, everything is not enough for them! And then Lyuska will close the window, and they will all listen to the record there.
"... From point A to point ... to point ..." And then I'll take it and shoot something right into her window. Glass - ding! - and shatter. Let him know.
So. I'm tired of thinking. Think do not think - the task does not work. Just awful, what a difficult task! I'll walk around for a bit and start thinking again.
I closed my book and looked out the window. Lyuska alone was walking in the yard. She jumped into hopscotch. I went outside and sat down on a bench. Lucy didn't even look at me.
Earring! Vitka! Lucy immediately screamed. - Let's go to play bast shoes!
The Karmanov brothers looked out the window.
We have a throat, both brothers said hoarsely. - They won't let us in.
Lena! Lucy screamed. - Linen! Come out!
Instead of Lena, her grandmother looked out and threatened Lyuska with her finger.
Pavlik! Lucy screamed.
Nobody appeared at the window.
Pe-et-ka-ah! Luska perked up.
Girl, what are you yelling at?! Someone's head popped out of the window. - A sick person is not allowed to rest! There is no rest from you! - And the head stuck back into the window.
Luska furtively looked at me and blushed like a cancer. She tugged at her pigtail. Then she took the thread off her sleeve. Then she looked at the tree and said:
Lucy, let's go to the classics.
Come on, I said.
We jumped into the hopscotch and I went home to solve my problem.
As soon as I sat down at the table, my mother came:
Well, what's the problem?
Does not work.
But you've been sitting on it for two hours already! It's just awful what it is! They ask the children some puzzles!.. Well, let's show your problem! Maybe I can do it? I did finish college. So. “Two pedestrians went from point A to point B ...” Wait, wait, this task is familiar to me! Listen, you and your dad decided it last time! I remember perfectly!
How? - I was surprised. - Really? Oh, really, this is the forty-fifth task, and we were given the forty-sixth.
At this, my mother got very angry.
It's outrageous! Mom said. - It's unheard of! This mess! Where is your head?! What is she thinking about?!
About my friend and a little bit about me
Our yard was large. There were a lot of children walking in our yard - both boys and girls. But most of all I loved Lucy. She was my friend. She and I lived in neighboring apartments, and at school we sat at the same desk.
My friend Luska had straight yellow hair. And she had eyes! .. You probably won’t believe what her eyes were. One eye green as grass. And the other is completely yellow, with brown spots!
And my eyes were kind of grey. Well, just grey, that's all. Completely uninteresting eyes! And my hair was stupid - curly and short. And huge freckles on the nose. And in general, everything at Luska was better than mine. It's just that I was taller.
I was awfully proud of it. I really liked it when we were called “Big Lyuska” and “Lyuska Little” in the yard.
And suddenly Lucy grew up. And it became unclear which of us is big and which is small.
And then she grew another half a head.
Well, that was too much! I was offended by her, and we stopped walking together in the yard. At school, I didn’t look in her direction, but she didn’t look in mine, and everyone was very surprised and said: “Between Lyuski black cat ran through, ”and pestered us why we quarreled.
After school, I now did not go out into the yard. There was nothing for me to do there.
I wandered around the house and did not find a place for myself. In order not to be so bored, I stealthily, from behind the curtain, watched Luska play bast shoes with Pavlik, Petka and the Karmanov brothers.
At lunch and dinner, I now asked for more. I choked, but ate everything ... Every day I pressed the back of my head against the wall and marked my height on it with a red pencil. But strange thing! It turned out that I not only did not grow, but even, on the contrary, decreased by almost two millimeters!
And then summer came, and I went to a pioneer camp.
In the camp, I always remembered Luska and missed her.
And I wrote her a letter.
“Hello, Lucy!
How are you? I'm doing well. We have a lot of fun at camp. We have the River Vorya flowing nearby. It has blue water! And there are shells on the beach. I found a very beautiful shell for you. She is round and has stripes. She'll probably come in handy for you. Lucy, if you want, let's be friends again. Let them now call you big, and me small. I still agree. Please write me an answer.
With pioneer greetings!
Lucy Sinitsyna"
I've been waiting a whole week for an answer. I kept thinking: what if she doesn’t write to me! What if she never wants to be friends with me again! .. And when a letter finally arrived from Luska, I was so happy that my hands even trembled a little.
The letter said this:
“Hello, Lucy!
Thanks, I'm doing well. Yesterday my mother bought me wonderful slippers with a white edging. I also have a new big ball, you will swing right! Hurry up, come, otherwise Pavlik and Petka are such fools, it’s not interesting with them! Don't lose your shell.
With pioneer salute!
Lucy Kositsyna"
On that day, I carried Lucy's blue envelope with me until evening. I told everyone what a wonderful friend Lyuska I have in Moscow.
And when I returned from the camp, Lyuska, along with my parents, met me at the station. She and I rushed to hug ... And then it turned out that I had outgrown Luska by a whole head.
In this section of our site, we have posted a variety of short funny stories. For lovers of stories and anecdotes, these funny stories are exactly what you need. It doesn't take much time, it's loaded with humor full program, and most importantly - cheer up the only way! cool funny short stories- this is a kind of anecdote, only they are usually taken from real life, and sometimes it is in such stories that the famously twisted plot or the degree of comedy gives out such turns that you laugh non-stop for several minutes.
We hope these short funny stories will not only cheer you up, but also encourage you to write your own funny stories, which each person has quite a lot, if the memory is good. In any case, we will be glad to see you on the pages of our site more than once.
I remember a story from my school childhood. There was a thin, weak amateur astronomer Andrei in our class. Everyone who missed, had the honor to offend the calm and harmless "nerd". Once, at a physical education lesson (we had joint physical education in the hall, without separation of male / female), the boys pulled themselves up on the crossbar, and it was Andrey's turn. The first hooligan of the class ran up from behind to the pulling up "nerd" and pulled down his pants along with his shorts ... In complete silence, the girls' jaws slowly dropped, the boys got their first complexes ... Nobody offended Andrey anymore.
I, like my older brother, in the past - an avid gamer. Only I have always loved strategies, and he has rpg games. We went rollerblading with him. He rushes ahead and broadcasts something, turning to me. Suddenly I see - going straight into the pit. Very deep. My, then still a child's brain, did not come up with anything better than yelling: "Space!!!". You know, he jumped...
Is in Chita region mineral spring Cook. Naturally, the water from the spring is bottled and sold. The name of the water is appropriate - "Kuka" ... Late fall. Two o'clock at night. Little-visited stall. Sleepy salesman (woman aged 45). Single shopper (male). The buyer, knocking on the window, waiting until it is opened, holds out ten rubles and says:
- Kuku!
The seller, not fully awake:
- Ku-ku...
Buyer, insistently:
- KUKU!!!
Salesman:
- Cho, at two o'clock in the morning, did you cuckoo something? ..
The ability to sell goods well is also an art. We went with the men in China just to have dinner. Well, as usual, we decided to take one hundred grams. I go to the bartender
- Three for a hundred! - And I'm throwing money away.
The bartender silently places three glasses and an unopened bottle of vodka on the counter.
- I asked three for a hundred!
The guy's answer first plunged me into a state of mild euphoria, and then I realized that knowledge of Russian psychology increases sales, for people like him, to heaven. He said:
- Stay, bring it back.
Well, how could she stay?
One day, the management of a large Western company decided to hold an attraction of unprecedented tolerance. Decided to arrange a gay festival from representatives of all offices. An order came to the Russian office - to send 3 gays. Management thought hard. They called a meeting and started thinking. Come up with. A resolution has been issued: the leaders of the three divisions, which will show the worst results for the current quarter, will go to the gay pride parade. The company has never seen such production, sales, marketing, advertising, supply!..
At work, an employee says that her lover gave her a new gold chain, but she does not know how to explain her appearance to her husband. Everyone begins to give advice: like, say that a friend gave a vilification, she bought it herself, they gave a bonus at work, etc. One man advises: - Better tell me what you found. My wife, for example, recently found a gold bracelet. The man somehow did not immediately understand why everyone was suddenly giggling ...
Dacha, grandmother and granddaughter drink tea. There is jam on the table, to which different sides ants crawl. The girl, without thinking twice, crushed one. Grandmother puts pressure on the pity of the child:
- Lizonka, what are you, how is it possible ?! Ants are also alive, they hurt! They have kids! Just imagine: they are sitting at home and waiting for their mother. But mom won't come.
Liza (squeezing another insect with her finger):
- And dad won't come either...
A friend got to write SMS until one in the morning every day. I wrote a program on smart, which automatically answers all SMS: "Yes, my love", "of course", "very", etc. - in random order. In the morning I saw 264 incoming SMS. The last one at 5:45 with the text: "But when will you, bitch, fall asleep ?!"
In the 9th grade (children aged 14-15), a scheduled medical examination was held at the school, including a gynecologist. For many girls, this was the first time: everyone's knees were trembling. lady gynecologist Balzac age asks more questions than looks to save time. The question is the same for all 60 girls from four classes:
- Are you sexually active?
- How many years? - with a positive answer
The lady was tired.
Actually the story: my girlfriend (P), having gathered her will into a fist, approaches her aunt (T).
(T) - do you live?
(P) - zhiiiivvuuuu (shaking with fear, forgetting the essence of the matter)
(T) surprised - How old?
(P) almost crying - cheeeeeeeeeteen ...
I have a friend. Works for a computer company, in a warehouse. And through the wall he has neighbors - a veterinary pharmacy. The doors are close, and therefore visitors are often confused. Yesterday he wrote to me in ICQ: “Today a man came, stood the whole line! I waited until the clients took the printer, floppy disks, some other garbage ... The dude eventually comes up and asks the question: "My horse is coughing ... What should I do?"
POET
“Mr. editor,” the visitor said to me, looking down at his shoes in embarrassment, “I am very ashamed that I disturb you. When I think that I am taking away a minute of your precious time, my thoughts plunge into the abyss of gloomy despair ... For God's sake, forgive me!
“Nothing, nothing,” I said affectionately, “don't apologize.
He hung his head sadly on his chest.
- No, what is there ... I know that I disturbed you. For me, not used to being pushy, this is doubly difficult.
- Don't be shy! I am very happy. Unfortunately only, your poems did not fit.
- These? Opening his mouth, he looked at me in astonishment.
- These verses did not fit??!
- Yes Yes. These are the ones.
These verses??!! Starting:
I wish she had a black curl
Scratch every morning
And so that Apollo does not get angry,
Kissing her hair...
These verses, you say, will not work?!
“Unfortunately, I must say that it is precisely these verses that will not go, and not some others. Those that begin with the words:
I wish she had a black curl...
Why not, editor? After all, they are good.
- Agree. Personally, I had a lot of fun with them, but ... they are not suitable for a magazine.
- Yes, you should read them again!
- Yes, why? After all, I read.
- One more time!
For the sake of the visitor, I read one more time and expressed admiration with one half of my face, and regret with the other, that the verses still would not fit.
- Hm ... Then let them ... I'll read it! “I wish she had a black lock…” I patiently listened to these verses again, but then I said firmly and dryly:
- The lyrics don't fit.
- Marvelous. You know what: I'll leave you the manuscript, and then you read it. Suddenly it fits.
No, why leave?
- Right, I'll leave it. Would you consult with someone, eh?
- No need. Leave them to yourself.
“I’m desperate for taking up a second of your time, but…”
- Goodbye!
He left, and I took up the book that I had read before. Unfolding it, I saw a piece of paper placed between the pages.
"I wish she had a black curl
Scratch every morning
And so that Apollo does not get angry ... "
- Oh, damn it! I forgot my rubbish ... Will be wandering around again! Nicholas! Catch up with the man I had and give him this paper.
Nikolai rushed after the poet and successfully completed my order.
At five o'clock I went home for dinner.
Paying the driver, he put his pyky into his overcoat pocket and felt for some piece of paper, which had got into his pocket, no one knows how.
He took it out, unfolded it and read:
"I wish she had a black curl
Scratch every morning
And so that Apollo does not get angry,
Kiss her hair…”
Wondering how this thing got into my pocket, I shrugged my shoulders, threw it on the sidewalk and went to dinner.
When the maid brought in the soup, she hesitated, came up to me and said:
- The cook found a piece of paper on the kitchen floor with what was written. Maybe right.
- Show me.
I took the paper and read:
“I wish she had a black lo…”
I don't understand anything! You say in the kitchen, on the floor? The devil only knows… What a nightmare!
I tore the strange verses to shreds and sat down to dinner in a bad mood.
- Why are you so thoughtful? the wife asked.
– I wish she had a black lo… Damn it!! Nothing, honey. I'm tired.
For dessert, they rang the bell in the hall and called me in ... The porter stood at the door and mysteriously beckoned me with his finger.
- What's happened?
- Shh ... Letter to you! It was ordered to say that from one young lady ... That they really hope for you and that you will satisfy their expectations! ..
The porter gave me a friendly wink and giggled into his fist.
Confused, I took the letter and examined it. It smelled of perfume, was sealed with pink sealing wax, and when I shrugged my shoulders and opened it, there was a piece of paper on which was written:
“I wish she had a black curl…”
Everything from the first to the last line.
In a rage, I tore the letter to shreds and threw it on the floor. My wife stepped out from behind me and, in ominous silence, picked up a few scraps of the letter.
- Who is it from?
- Drop it! It's so... stupid. One very annoying person.
- Yes? And what is it written here?.. Hm… “Kiss”… “every morning”… “black… curl…” Scoundrel!
Scraps of letters flew into my face. It didn't hurt much, but it was annoying.
Since the dinner was spoiled, I dressed and, sad, went to wander through the streets. At the corner, I noticed a boy beside me, who was spinning at my feet, trying to put something white, folded into a ball into the pocket of his coat. I gave him a cuff and, gnashing my teeth, ran away.
My heart was sad. After pushing through the noisy streets, I returned home and on the threshold of the front doors I ran into a nanny who was returning with four-year-old Volodya from the cinema.
- Daddy! - Volodya shouted joyfully. - My uncle held me in his arms! A stranger ... gave a chocolate bar ... gave a piece of paper ... Pass it on, he says, to dad. Daddy, I ate a chocolate bar, and brought you a piece of paper.
“I’ll flog you,” I shouted angrily, tearing out of his hand a piece of paper with familiar words: “I wish she had a black curl ...” - You will know from me! ..
I meet a classmate once in September (it was in student years 20 years ago).
- How did you spend your summer?
- Super! I went to the sea, got a job as a lifeguard. Sea, sun, fruits,
girls are awesome!
- Great!
- But one thought, one thought all summer did not give me peace, deprived me of peace,
made it difficult to sleep at night.
- What's happened?
- I can't swim. And suddenly what...
Doctor to the patient.
- T-e-e-ex, next week Yegor Stepanovich will look at you ...
— And who is this?
Our pathologist...
The son came from the street.
- Where are the sleds?
- I gave the girl a ride, she and her grandfather will bring ...
They rejoiced, of course, that the boy was kind, the only pity was that he was gullible.
Two hours later, for sure, they brought a sled, and grandfather bought him a chocolate bar.
And the son takes out a cell phone from his pocket and says to his grandfather:
Here's your phone...
A woman calls a nutritionist:
Doctor, I think I'm overweight.
- Why did you decide so?
- Yes, I bought a talking scale today, weighed myself on them.
"And what did they tell you?"
They said, "One at a time, please."
The phrase: “Will you marry me!?” I only hear at work.
The tornado, which broke all the windows in the building of the Hydrometeorological Center, as if hinted to its employees that today it is not quite “sunny, mostly without precipitation.”
Mikhail, reading the composition of an air freshener in a supermarket, started to shit out of habit.
From a conversation at work:
- What is your name?
— Slavik.
- What about patronymic?
- With such a salary, just Slavik ...
Talking to yourself - schizophrenic. You talk to yourself on Twitter - a microblogger.
A boycott of a woman is impossible in principle - as soon as you stop talking to her, she decides that you have begun to listen to her.
- Girl, sleep with me for 100 bucks?
- NO!
- Please, I really need money.
I don't want to look for a job. She's not looking for me. In the end, you need to have at least a drop of pride.
If I decide not to do anything, I can't be stopped!
And don't wake me up! What do you mean it's time to go home? By the way, we have irregular working hours.
You live with your wife - they don't let you drink every day. You live alone - there is nothing to eat.
The patient comes to the doctor and says:
- Doctor, I have a little problem, I eat soup and poop with soup, eat potatoes and poop with potatoes!
The doctor answers the patient:
- And you eat poop and you will poop poop!
Don't correct me, I'm not your cowards!
- Like such a sweet beautiful and charming girl no boyfriend?
- Died of happiness.
One day, the French queen decided to choose as her favorite the one who would say the most ambiguous spicy gallant phrase. One marquis won, issuing the following:
“Your Majesty, there are so many admirers at your feet!” I would love to be in between!
Do not try to weaken the penguin by strangulation. The penguin is a waterfowl and can go without air for a long time. If the penguin is an emperor, then it is also very large and strong and can hit back. It is best not to engage in confrontation with the penguins at all.
- Natasha, you are without panties today.
- Where did you get it, lieutenant?
- Dandruff on shoes...
My book will be out soon. Although, in general, in vain I ate it.
When Vasily left for the army, he took the keys to the house with him, so if you want Nastya or not, you had to wait for him.
Chuck Norris is so cool he doesn't have to run. It is enough to look at the right direction, and the Earth itself will begin to rotate under his feet.
Few people know that Amsterdam is the capital not only of drug addiction and prostitution, but also of some European country.
All women have only one thing on their minds, like all men only have one thing on their minds.
- Girl, you are so beautiful in this evening dress!
“Man, are you crazy? Close the door!
If I got up in the middle of the night, then someone woke me up, if someone woke me up at such a time, then it’s urgent. So the cat, I'm listening to you!
Women's folk fun - to fall in love with an idiot and assure everyone that he is the one and only.
Girl with her lover. Suddenly the husband came. She is to God
- God, make sure that the husband does not find out!
Voice from the sky:
- Fine. But you will die on the water.
After 2 years, she was presented with a cruise ticket. Suddenly the ship began to sink, girl:
“God, you won’t drown everyone because of me!!!
- Yes, I have been collecting you, whores, for 2 years !!!
