How to communicate with the former? Is it worth holding on to the past? Should you keep in touch with your ex? So, why should you be afraid of losers.

Only a few people find their halves in kindergarten or school and manage to carry their relationship through life. The vast majority of mortals find their husband/wife through trial and error.

That is, people form couples, break up, can revive relationships, etc. As practice shows, the most popular phrase when parting " Let's be friends!"

It sounds very nice, but it cannot be said that this remark is always true. Rather, it is used to try to minimize the pain of separation, to make separation more humane.. However, there are situations in which former loved ones" I can be " current friends".

When is friendship possible?

The main condition for maintaining friendly relations after parting is lack of tender feelings for both. When one is still in love and the other is not, there can be no question of any friendship. For a lover, this is a chance to restore relationships.

Only in very rare cases does this lead to some positive results. Usually quarrels and scandals resume.

Another important condition - no mutual resentment. If during the relationship there were betrayals, betrayals, or just someone behaved inappropriately, then there is no point in continuing to communicate with a former loved one.

Also, communication can be continued if:

• People are really dear to each other. During the time of communication, they managed to make friends, but love relationship did not work out.
• Feelings gradually and evenly faded in both.

Often, one of the partners, knowing that the partner's feelings for him have been preserved, prefer to "keep the former near him just in case." This is often done by girls who have not yet found a new young man.

After all, someone should reinstall Windows, meet from the airport and just indulge in compliments. However such behavior cannot be called honest and respectable. You need to understand that it is very difficult for a young man who has feelings for you.

He cannot go further, he is weighed down by these relationships, from which nothing good will come of it. Remember that next time the role " just in case"you can get it too. Because men sometimes leave girls" with me".

Another important aspect: when a couple meets, they usually have mutual friends. The pain of a breakup for one of the partners may be exacerbated by disappointment in friends. Only when friends are real and both people are equally dear to them, despite their conflicts, will they find a way to continue communicating with both. If someone is less close to the company, then he automatically drops out of it.

If the couple parted with scandals, tantrums, then it is almost impossible to keep friends. In practice, very often parting occurs according to this principle: boys - in solidarity continue to be friends with boys, and girls - with girls.

When there is no chance to maintain friendly relations?

Pain, resentment, unresolved feelings in one - all this can rather provoke the most brutal war than friendship. Exes may want to cause each other even more suffering. In this case, it is necessary to completely exclude any possible contacts and meetings.

Understand that resentment is your personal feeling, and that only you can control it. Sorry, that's how you make yourself happier. Also, a new relationship can become a "contraindication" for friendship with a former lover.

• First, the current partner may quite reasonably begin to show a sense of possessiveness and jealousy of the past. Yes and by by and large it's not very pleasant to know that your beloved is dating or constantly chatting on the phone with a man with whom she had a more than platonic relationship.
• Secondly, new relationships can provoke more greater feeling loneliness for someone who has not yet found his new soul mate.

If new boyfriend I don’t mind that you communicate with an ex-boyfriend, nevertheless, try to tell the second one less about how good you are now with this person and how happy you are. This can drive the ex into a new depression. It's best to be friends if both of former couple found a new love.

In conclusion, I would like to note that you can continue communication with the former only if mutual agreement. If your partner is not ready to go for it, then you need to muster up the courage and retreat, as they say, you won’t be forced to be nice.

If the relationship is broken, do not try to "patch" them. But if you manage to disperse peacefully, while maintaining good human relations, then this speaks of self-sufficiency and maturity of both partners.

Unfortunately, among people there is not only a bright attitude of love, but also not pleasant partings ... When man and woman become former… but what about communication between such people? Ex-boyfriend(husband) wants to communicate? What should a woman do in such a situation? Is it worth going to chatting with your ex? First of all, let's dot the "i"! Many of exes don't talk in general, even in a nightmare they don’t want to imagine this! Most often, this happens when a family or couple become former because of the betrayal of one of the partners.

But what to do when you broke up "in a good way"? Is it worth talking to an ex??

First of all, give yourself and him time. Time must pass to understand whether it is worth and whether it is necessary to communicate! Determine for yourself why you need this communication, if the ex wants to chat. If you want to chat with him just like that, not to count on anything and not give him a reason to count on him, then such communication can shine up to a rare correspondence in the social. networks. But if you meet for a cup of coffee every weekend or go to the movies… you need to understand that you yourself are counting on something and give hope to him. In this case, it is better to look forward rather than backward. ex and his desire to communicate.

Of course, this cannot be said about married couples where are the spouses became former but the “fruit” of their family was children, here ex man must communicate with the mother of their children. Even here, though, things are different.

You know the rule: in order to forget former relationship, you need to start new ... As soon as you have a real one, loving man most likely you will not ex men. If you are in a relationship now and will chat with an ex. Then your current partner will not like it terribly. He will be jealous of you and even sometimes think about your (even a small) betrayal.

Despite everything written above, there are pleasant occasions in life when people tried to live apart and build relationships and realized that with the former was much better. If you decide that it is worth trying and returning everything to the past, then in such cases, communication and meetings with the former will be very helpful! It is important that this is decided not only by you, but also by your ex with whom you want to communicate.

We wish you to love real, close and native men.

Regards First Impression Team!

Whether to continue communication with her ex-husband or completely delete him from life - each woman must decide this issue on her own. First of all, it depends on what feelings this person evokes in her. They are very subjective, sometimes it is difficult to explain them to others, and is it really necessary? In the end, family matters are up to the husband and wife, even if they part.
However, one can trace several typical situations in which it is worth continuing to communicate with the ex-spouse or, on the contrary, not to do this in any case.

When to Continue Communication

The first and most compelling reason to continue communicating with an ex-husband is common children. For a child, both parents are valuable, he needs both dad and mom. And parents should equally educate him, bear responsibility for his life, health and development, regardless of whether they live together or apart.

Even if, after a divorce, it seems to the spouses that they have become completely strangers they will have to jointly resolve issues related to education, training, financial support child. And if they learn to do it calmly, in a businesslike manner, without quarrels and scandals, they will win, and, most importantly, their children.

It also happens that people break up, but continue to be friends. Yes, the family did not work out, and there can be any number of reasons for this. But the attitude towards each other of the former husband and wife remains generally positive. Why not continue communication, no longer as spouses, but as friends or good acquaintances? After all, the years spent together brought two people closer, why break this connection to the end?

When to stop talking

And yet, often, when divorced, spouses no longer want to have anything in common with each other. Most often this happens in the following three situations.

If a man left his family, and a woman continues to love him and suffers from this, then it is probably better not to torture yourself and stop communicating, at least for a while. You should not reopen a fresh wound and live with memories and regrets. The less in a new life a woman has reasons to remember the tragedy she has experienced, the easier it will be for her to regain her strength and live on.

If resentment is strong, anger at ex-husband, communication should also be minimized, at least for that period until the passions subside. Perhaps, having calmed down, the spouses will be able to more constructively resolve property, financial and other issues related to divorce. Even if it's to be trial, it is better if it takes place in a calm business atmosphere.

And the most main reason terminate any relationship with an ex-husband - if he has done something that in the mind of a woman is not compatible with the image of a man. And let others believe that this act can be forgiven, the behavior of the spouse can be justified. If a woman cannot do this internally, further communication with her ex-husband becomes impossible and even dangerous for her. It can disturb her peace of mind, and in some cases can actually pose a threat to the life and well-being of her and her children.

Life is unpredictable. Have you seen The Marrying Habit with Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin? Here are the twists of fate, the boiling of passions! A life partner can become an ex overnight. And the former man again firmly enter life. A woman should always remember this phenomenon, and even with the most ugly parting (treason, betrayal, seizure of money, division of joint property and children), remain a prudent person! How to deal with an ex after a breakup?

No one even doubts that a completely pretty, modern and self-sufficient girl (like you!), Always has in stock not one or two, but a whole arsenal of "former". Some can be fans, admirers with school bench, others are arrogant popular handsome men who broke your naive heart while studying at the university, and even those whom you dared to marry in spite of the whole world in order to. And all these exes were, in their own way, significant in your life. What to do, how to communicate with the former (or former)?

For starters, there is no need to unconditionally reject these "former" ones. Who knows how circumstances will turn - especially if you yourself gave a reason for parting! Influenced strong emotions or in a period of temporary indifference anything can happen! Sometimes couples get back together, no matter what! Many years may pass, several partners may change, but in the end you will still be with him.

When loving people lose their passion this indicates an unwillingness to work on relationships. But this is fixable with mutual desire. But respect for each other should be tried to be maintained under any circumstances, otherwise no communication after parting should be started at all.

How to communicate with the former? Depends on the relationship before the breakup

There is no single answer to this question, because everyone has their own history of relationships. What is the reason for the breakup? Who initiated the breakup? How long were you together? Who loved, and who allowed himself to be loved? Has the passion gone? Do you want to return the relationship or forget it forever?

First of all, answer honestly to these questions, because the main thing depends on your feelings: is it worth spending your time talking with exes, is this really necessary for you? To understand how to communicate with an ex, we will analyze several situations.

3 questions immediately after a breakup:

• Whether to immediately inform your parents (your own and his) that you broke up, or hush up questions for now; all of a sudden it's just a banal quarrel, and you get back together in a couple of days?
• Do you tell your friends and that you parted immediately, day after day; what if it's just an emotional quarrel, and then you yourself will regret this excessive talkativeness?
• Should you delete your joint photos from social networks, change your status from “almost married” to “actively searching”?

Advice:As experience shows, there is no need to hurry in these delicate issues. You need to come to your senses and take a break. Even if emotions overwhelm. First, you must sort out your feelings for the person who betrayed you. What do you feel for him, already the former?

Love, hate or indifference?

Surely after the breakup of a relationship, you have one of these feelings. Or maybe all at once. And you wonder if you want to return the relationship, avenge all the insults, or erase all contacts and forget everything about the relationship with this person.

The last option - indifference is usually present if you already had an “alternate airfield” in the form of another man before the final parting. You just don't care about your ex, you don't care about his feelings. Or this man is so disgusted that parting with him is a long-awaited event for you! By the way, when feelings for a partner cool, sometimes women deliberately provoke a breakup.

What your emotions depend on when parting is how the relationship with the former will develop.

If a man left you, should you communicate with him and how? Stages

The first stage is emotional.

If, fortunately, you are with this monster did not acquire joint children who could suffer when their parents parted, then everything is much simpler. It's time for you to start your new life. Even if you have been married for 10 years and then broke up, this is not a reason to give up on yourself. At first, you will feel rage, hatred, and a desire to castrate the man you have wasted so many years of your life on.

These are the first, natural emotions. You will feel ugly, undesirable, useless person. A successfully flushed ex during this period may sometimes call, be interested in a caring tone about your well-being and mood. Well, how can a woman, crushed and trampled, communicate with him? At this moment, you are ready for all his conditions in order to return at least yours.

Attention!Don't meet the ex who dumped you at the first call. Although he is drawn to him, because he is still for you native person. But you are already a stranger to him. Keep this in mind when trying to find a reason to meet or call.

The second stage is the gradual withdrawal.

First time after breakup- the most painful, you just need to survive it. Time really heals! After crying out tears, it's time to take care of yourself, if only out of a desire for revenge. Even though it's hard try to call and not look for meetings with the former. You must learn to live without it and.

Host a bachelorette party with the boys! Surely those who did not even dare to call for communication before will be active! Change your hairstyle, hair color and buy yourself something new, bright and fashionable, from clothes. Sign up for Gym and train as intensely as possible, vent resentment, anger and despair in the gym or pool.

And be prepared for a chance meeting with ex-man in the company fully armed! The more chic you look, the better for you. Do not explain long and tediously why you were abandoned, just say - "we broke up." Most likely, friends will be divided in opinion, someone will be on the side of the former, even if he left you. Get ready to find out who really treated you sincerely while you were a couple.
Attention!Do not speak badly or disrespectfully about the former in the company of your joint friends. When meeting, be cold - polite. Do not meddle with questions and memories. It is enough to exchange "on duty" phrases of a general nature.

The third stage is not to communicate with the former.

Should you be friends with an ex? Definitely not. Even if you wholeheartedly want to see each other more often, communicate, correspond in social networks, don't do it! You will only get sicker. If you are abandoned, it is the former who should be the initiator of friendly communication. Most likely, this will happen in time, unless, of course, after parting, you do not pour mud on it at every corner and endure your intimate details into the world.

A smart man will appreciate your behavior. Perhaps you, having gone through separation, having tried yourself in other relationships, come to the conclusion that this is for the best that you broke up. Meet your true soul mate, feel love and romance again in a relationship with another man.
Attention!Do not strive if he abandoned you. With friendly communication, he will bind you morally, you will have hope for reunion, and you need to move on in life, in your own direction. Don't waste time befriending your ex, start looking for another partner.

Optimistic conclusions:

Breaking up with a partner doesn't always mean something bad. Life does not end, and this is the main thing. After a while, when the emotions subside, you will be able to communicate with the former more calmly and balanced. With a mutual desire, of course. Treat your ex like a distant relative - well, he is somewhere, exists, but you don’t really care.

In general, the most the best option- actively build a relationship with another man. Because by the time the ex realizes with horror what a mistake he made by losing you and wants to return back, you will no longer care about him, sex and everything connected with it.

And remember that a woman, having gone through parting, tears and bitterness of loss, always ends up getting prettier, thinner and flourishes for her next man, who will definitely appear in life!

We present a column in which columnist Yulia Demina answers your questions together with psychologists. Write about everything that worries you in the comments, and our experts will try to help you.

columnist

My girlfriend is married to an Italian. And often visits them. ex girlfriend her husband. For pizza. And, in fact, the husband cooks the pizza himself. And while he's cooking, my friend is mopping the living room floors. And everyone around her is telling her: “It is customary for us to be friends! And you, Russians, don’t know how to make friends!” And whatever you say is useless. Oh, and one more thing: when this guest comes to their house, she kisses the hostess on both cheeks. Charm, right?

Maybe that's how it should be? But even in my wildest “erotic” fantasies, I can’t imagine such a thing. And, to be honest, I consider all this friendship after parting an empty phrase. How can people who were once husband and wife to each other remain friends? No wonder they say that there are no ex-wives. How can you treat a person as a friend if you know him more than a friend? You know him as a man. And this "knowledge" does not go anywhere. They remain in memory. Let it be deep. And why this friendship? For what? It's still a return to the past.

But today social networks force us to return to the past. How was it before? Gone and all. No hearing, no spirit. And now? All in sight. He left, but he did not leave his friends on VKontakte. And you know where he is, with whom, what he ate for lunch, whom he met yesterday, what he looks like new girl... It turns out that one way or another, but he is present in your new life.

I remember that my classmate's wedding was upset because his first love wrote to him in Odnoklassniki, active communication began - memories of the past, flirting, some confessions. In general, his fiancee saw this correspondence and left. Forever. Although an application was submitted to the registry office. The guy himself said that he did not understand how it happened. Yes, social networks in this regard are a harmless thing at first glance, but in reality they are dangerous. There is such an expression - "leaving - leave." But how can he get out of your life if you willy-nilly look at his photo in the feed every day? And here there is one subtlety - in social network any responsibility is practically removed from the person. IN real life my classmate would hardly meet his first love and remember the past. And on the web, it's easy. In a message, you can send a kiss, flowers, and some kind of confession ... You can be whoever you want ... It's not scary. In a real meeting with this girl, apart from a dry "hello", he would hardly have been able to say anything. And perhaps his wedding would not have been upset. So if you decide to start NEW life, then with former love It's better to say goodbye once and for all. AND extra information you don't need anything about an ex-lover.

Another thing is if there are common children. Then, in my opinion, parents must stay in friendly relations. Children are not to blame for anything.

Well, what does etiquette tell us? How to communicate with an ex-husband at a meeting? And in general, to communicate? Etiquette recommends COLD politeness in communication. Psychologists advise to “work through” the breakup and mentally put an end to the relationship for yourself. Then, even with a chance meeting, there will be no feeling of embarrassment. A neutral "hello" or "hello" is enough. There are families where the wives of one man are friends, visit each other, celebrate birthdays together. In families where there are common children, I would call such an approach wise, but if there are no common children, then why? On the other hand, avoid, fear, frantically hide for ten years life together memory is wrong too. It would be wise to accept everything as it is, come to terms with what happened, and move on with a light heart and a bright head.

Your questions:

Yana, 28 years old, Saratov

I have been married for one year. This is my second marriage for my husband. From the first marriage there is a child, a boy of seven years. He lives with his mother and visits us on weekends. The problem is that my husband's ex-wife is like a member of our family. She can call us at 11:00 p.m., make a bunch of unfounded claims to my husband about the baby. He, in turn, congratulates her on all holidays and gives gifts. On March 8, he bought us the same perfume. I learned about it from his son. She is like a ghost. It irritates and infuriates me terribly. I didn't take him away from the family. When we met, he was already divorced. But I didn't think I would have to deal with this. My husband doesn't understand why I'm so worried. He says that they are divorced and there can be nothing between them. But in fact, it turns out that his ex-wife and son remained in the first place for him. It's very hard for me to watch this. Please advise what should I do?

- Yana, your question is quite complex and ambiguous. As far as I understand you, the main problem was not the very fact of communicating with the child, but the fact that he pays insufficient attention to you and chooses ex-wife. The fact is that this is a fairly common situation - the presence of another significant woman in the life of your man. More often it is a mother, less often a previous wife with a child. A feature of these relationships is that in both cases, women manipulate parent-child relationships, and men are in co-dependent relationships and cannot set priorities and boundaries with their own. important women. At the same time, the situation is aggravated by the fact that a man, being in a co-dependent relationship with another woman, sincerely does not understand what the problem is and what does not suit you, he wants to please both you and her, and each “pulls the blanket” to his side.

His child and first wife play significant role in his life even after parting, and there is a high probability that this will always be the case. Therefore, you must identify a clear position for yourself on what conditions you are ready to let them into the life of your husband. Scandals and prohibitions will only lead to unnecessary conflicts, since although he broke up with his wife, he cannot throw her and the child out of his life. best strategy in behavior is a very soft, balanced conversation in which you outline your boundaries to your husband, in which you tell what and why you do not like, and offer him options for changing the situation. For example, to regulate late time to communicate with her, unless something extraordinary happened. Try to find a mutually convenient for both of you, a compromise solution for his interaction with his ex-wife.

Tatiana, 29 years old, Voronezh

My ex-husband showed up four years after the divorce. We got divorced for a simple reason. went on a spree. Over the years, he managed to get married again and give birth to two children. And for all this time he never called me, did not write. And then all of a sudden there was too much of it. He constantly turns to me with stupid requests. He asks about my parents, about my sisters. Says he wants to meet. Of course, I loved him very much. But I don't know if it's worth dating him? For what? He has a different family now. And I don't know how to deal with him. I don't have anyone right now. And I'm afraid to break firewood. What do i do?

- Dear Tatyana, I understand your doubts. It is sometimes very difficult - to decide what to do in situations when they are "fading" romantic relationship in the past, feelings, and the most different feelings. The first question that makes sense to answer is: why are you dating him now? And the answer to it should be given to you, and not to a counseling psychologist. Do you have any personal goals for this meeting right now? What do you need now from your ex-husband? If you find something that with its help you could get for yourself (do not forget that the spiritual and material aspects of relationships are equally important), then what prevents you from getting it? "To mess things up" is probably about frustration. Where there is no expectation, there is no suffering. Therefore, focus solely on yourself and on your goals and the reality of their achievement. And directly ask this man what he needs from you?

Remember that any family is extremely stable system striving for permanence. Any family system develops, passing through crises. Early regulatory crises– 1 year and 3 years. Perhaps your actual family ex-spouse is now experiencing Hard times, and you are "invited" to play a role here. Think about it: do you want to be integral part crisis, through which the family, most likely, will still pass without changes in composition?

- Hello! Often we incorrectly tell men about our feelings. You write that you asked to delete contacts, and for a man this is an instruction to act according to your will, pressure. Most men react to this with resistance. Another thing is if you explain to your young man that you dislike his communication with another woman, it offends you. Do not be afraid of the manifestations of your feelings, because unconsciously a man can just provoke this with his behavior! Now take a break from this situation.

Remember how your relationship began, what is it built on? Which of these is missing now? Perhaps interest in you has disappeared due to "everyday life", you have ceased to pay attention to yourself? Or, over time, they stopped giving a man a chance to show their abilities, began to pull everything on themselves? So, urgently evaluate your contribution to the relationship, as well as:

• look at your reflection in the mirror full height. If you are dissatisfied with yourself, write down an action plan: a gym, a beautician, clothing stores;
• Observe how often you are joyful, carefree? Your internal state, as well as external, depends only on you. If tormented by fears, low self-esteem, all the time you want to whine, seek help from a psychologist. It is necessary to use any means to maintain a good emotional background;
• Come up with and use morning pleasant rituals to positive charge for the whole day: music, dancing, a cup of coffee, a shower with some special product - leave it for the morning. As you meet the day, so you will spend it.

See how your changes will affect your relationship. The man will only look at you! Joy to you!