Unfortunately, among people there is not only a bright attitude of love, but also not pleasant partings ... When man and woman become former… but what about communication between such people? Ex-boyfriend(husband) wants to communicate? What should a woman do in such a situation? Is it worth going to chatting with your ex? First of all, let's dot the "i"! Many of exes don't talk in general, even in a nightmare they don’t want to imagine this! Most often, this happens when a family or couple become former because of the betrayal of one of the partners.
But what to do when you broke up "in a good way"? Is it worth talking to an ex??
First of all, give yourself and him time. Time must pass to understand whether it is worth and whether it is necessary to communicate! Determine for yourself why you need this communication, if the ex wants to chat. If you want to chat with him just like that, not to count on anything and not give him a reason to count on him, then such communication can shine up to a rare correspondence in the social. networks. But if you meet for a cup of coffee every weekend or go to the movies… you need to understand that you yourself are counting on something and give hope to him. In this case, it is better to look forward rather than backward. ex and his desire to communicate.
Of course, this cannot be said about married couples where are the spouses became former but the “fruit” of their family was children, here former man obliged to communicate with the mother of their children. Even here, though, things are different.
You know the rule: in order to forget former relationship, you need to start new ones ... As soon as you have a real one, loving man most likely you will not ex men. If you are in a relationship now and will chat with an ex. Then your current partner will not like it terribly. He will be jealous of you and even sometimes think about your (even a small) betrayal.
Despite everything written above, there are pleasant occasions in life when people tried to live apart and build relationships and realized that with the former was much better. If you decide that it is worth trying and returning everything to the past, then in such cases, communication and meetings with the former will be very helpful! It is important that this is decided not only by you, but also by your ex with whom you want to communicate.
We wish you to love real, close and native men.
Regards First Impression Team!
To understand this issue, you first need to understand who, in fact, losers are. Many will say that losers are those people who. But this definition is too general.
Rice. Is it worth hanging out with losers?
You can wear the title of "loser",. So it's more of a lifestyle. Losers prefer to complain about their worthless existence, about bad luck, instead of starting to do something. But they are comfortable in this role, because they are pitied, stroked on the head, wiped away tears. And so the energy of the loser extends to his environment. And this, in turn, adversely affects the lives of other people.
Why should you avoid losers?
The loser pulls him to the bottom
As mentioned above, losers like to complain about how bad everything is, how he doesn’t succeed, how everything around is expensive and how there is not enough money for anything. The loser tends to envy more successful people in the circle of his friends. The man in response to this is sorry for the poor fellow, and that's all he needs. A person can take pity on the loser and help him financially: pay for lunch in a cafe, borrow a certain amount of money that he is unlikely to return. So the "unfortunate" is fed at the expense of others, without thinking about how to start acting. What for? He is quite satisfied with this lifestyle!
The poor fellow is trying to bring people closer to his level, turning others into losers. Therefore, it is better to stop such communication so as not to be among the unlucky ones.
Failure is contagious
Ironically, failure is contagious. Having contacted the "loser", you can soon notice how things went downhill, there were problems with work, money and relationships with other people. And all because the loser "infects" others with his way of thinking - pessimistic, tuned in to failure, constantly expecting a negative result in any endeavors.
A person unconsciously takes on the manners, lifestyle and habits of the person with whom he communicates, becoming like him.
Summarizing all of the above, it can be argued that communication with a loser leads to a fall down the social ladder. Loser - a stone tied to the leg and pulling to the bottom of the ocean. And if you don’t come to your senses in time, you can lie low forever.
Instead of showing pity for the loser and feeling guilty about him (they say that he is doing much worse than me), you should fight back. Tell us how much effort it takes, what you need not to complain, but to take action. Advise him to improve his education and get a decent job.
A loser is not a friend at all, but a covered hole in the boat. And such a boat should be abandoned immediately.
11.04.2016 11156 +9
We present a column in which columnist Yulia Demina answers your questions together with psychologists. Write about everything that worries you in the comments, and our experts will try to help you.
columnist
My girlfriend is married to an Italian. And often visits them. ex girlfriend her husband. For pizza. And, in fact, the husband cooks the pizza himself. And while he's cooking, my friend is mopping the living room floors. And everyone around her is telling her: “It is customary for us to be friends! And you, Russians, don’t know how to make friends!” And whatever you say is useless. Oh, and one more thing: when this guest comes to their house, she kisses the hostess on both cheeks. Charm, right?
Maybe that's how it should be? But even in my wildest “erotic” fantasies, I can’t imagine such a thing. And, to be honest, I consider all this friendship after parting an empty phrase. How can people who were once husband and wife to each other remain friends? No wonder they say that there are no ex-wives. How can you treat a person as a friend if you know him more than a friend? You know him as a man. And this "knowledge" does not go anywhere. They remain in memory. Let it be deep. And why this friendship? For what? It's still a return to the past.
But today social networks force us to return to the past. How was it before? Gone and all. No hearing, no spirit. And now? All in sight. He left, but he did not leave his friends on VKontakte. And you know where he is, with whom, what he ate for lunch, whom he met yesterday, what he looks like new girl... It turns out that one way or another, but he is present in your new life.
I remember that my classmate's wedding was upset because his first love wrote to him in Odnoklassniki, active communication began - memories of the past, flirting, some confessions. In general, his fiancee saw this correspondence and left. Forever. Although an application was submitted to the registry office. The guy himself said that he did not understand how it happened. Yes, social networks in this regard are a harmless thing at first glance, but in reality they are dangerous. There is such an expression - "leaving - leave." But how can he get out of your life if you willy-nilly look at his photo in the feed every day? And here there is one subtlety - in social network any responsibility is practically removed from the person. IN real life my classmate would hardly meet his first love and remember the past. And on the web, it's easy. In a message, you can send a kiss, flowers, and some kind of confession ... You can be whoever you want ... It's not scary. In a real meeting with this girl, apart from a dry "hello", he would hardly have been able to say anything. And perhaps his wedding would not have been upset. So if you decide to start NEW life, then with former love It's better to say goodbye once and for all. AND extra information you don't need anything about an ex-lover.
Another thing is if there are common children. Then, in my opinion, parents should stay in friendly relations. Children are not to blame for anything.
Well, what does etiquette tell us? How to communicate with an ex-husband at a meeting? And in general, to communicate? Etiquette recommends COLD politeness in communication. Psychologists advise to “work through” the breakup and mentally put an end to the relationship for yourself. Then, even with a chance meeting, there will be no feeling of embarrassment. A neutral "hello" or "hello" is enough. There are families where the wives of one man are friends, visit each other, celebrate birthdays together. In families where there are common children, I would call such an approach wise, but if there are no common children, then why? On the other hand, avoid, fear, frantically hide for ten years life together memory is wrong too. It would be wise to accept everything as it is, come to terms with what happened, and move on with a light heart and a bright head.
Your questions:
Yana, 28 years old, Saratov
I have been married for one year. This is my second marriage for my husband. From the first marriage there is a child, a boy of seven years. He lives with his mother and visits us on weekends. The problem is that my husband's ex-wife is like a member of our family. She can call us at 11:00 p.m., make a bunch of unfounded claims to my husband about the baby. He, in turn, congratulates her on all holidays and gives gifts. On March 8, he bought us the same perfume. I learned about it from his son. She is like a ghost. It irritates and infuriates me terribly. I didn't take him away from the family. When we met, he was already divorced. But I didn't think I would have to deal with this. My husband doesn't understand why I'm so worried. He says that they are divorced and there can be nothing between them. But in fact, it turns out that his ex-wife and son remained in the first place for him. It's very hard for me to watch this. Please advise what should I do?
psychologist, gestalt therapist
website
- Yana, your question is quite complex and ambiguous. As far as I understand you, the main problem was not the very fact of communicating with the child, but the fact that he pays insufficient attention to you and chooses ex-wife. The fact is that this is a fairly common situation - the presence of another significant woman in the life of your man. More often it is a mother, less often a previous wife with a child. A feature of these relationships is that in both cases, women manipulate parent-child relationships, and men are in co-dependent relationships and cannot set priorities and boundaries with their own. important women. At the same time, the situation is aggravated by the fact that a man, being in a co-dependent relationship with another woman, sincerely does not understand what the problem is and what does not suit you, he wants to please both you and her, and each “pulls the blanket” to his side.
His child and first wife play significant role in his life even after parting, and there is a high probability that this will always be the case. Therefore, you must identify a clear position for yourself on what conditions you are ready to let them into the life of your husband. Scandals and prohibitions will only lead to unnecessary conflicts, since although he broke up with his wife, he cannot throw her and the child out of his life. best strategy in behavior is a very soft, balanced conversation in which you outline your boundaries to your husband, in which you tell what and why you do not like, and offer him options for changing the situation. For example, to regulate late time to communicate with her, unless something extraordinary happened. Try to find a mutually convenient for both of you, a compromise solution for his interaction with his ex-wife.
Tatiana, 29 years old, Voronezh
My ex-husband showed up four years after the divorce. We got divorced for a simple reason. went on a spree. Over the years, he managed to get married again and give birth to two children. And for all this time he never called me, did not write. And then all of a sudden there was too much of it. He constantly turns to me with stupid requests. He asks about my parents, about my sisters. Says he wants to meet. Of course, I loved him very much. But I don't know if it's worth dating him? For what? He has a different family now. And I don't know how to deal with him. I don't have anyone right now. And I'm afraid to break firewood. What do i do?
psychotherapist, psychologist
- Dear Tatyana, I understand your doubts. It is sometimes very difficult - to decide what to do in situations when they are "fading" romantic relationship in the past, feelings, and the most different feelings. The first question that makes sense to answer is: why are you dating him now? And the answer to it should be given to you, and not to a counseling psychologist. Do you have any personal goals for this meeting right now? What do you need from ex-husband? If you find something that with its help you could get for yourself (do not forget that the spiritual and material aspects of relationships are equally important), then what prevents you from getting it? "To mess things up" is probably about frustration. Where there is no expectation, there is no suffering. Therefore, focus solely on yourself and on your goals and the reality of their achievement. And directly ask this man what he needs from you?
Remember that any family is extremely stable system striving for permanence. Any family system develops, passing through crises. Early regulatory crises– 1 year and 3 years. Perhaps your actual family ex-spouse is now experiencing Hard times, and you are "invited" to play a role here. Think about it: do you want to be integral part crisis, through which the family, most likely, will still pass without changes in composition?
psychologist
- Hello! Often we incorrectly tell men about our feelings. You write that you asked to delete contacts, and for a man this is an instruction to act according to your will, pressure. Most men react to this with resistance. Another thing is if you explain to your young man that you dislike his communication with another woman, it offends you. Do not be afraid of the manifestations of your feelings, because unconsciously a man can just provoke this with his behavior! Now take a break from this situation.
Remember how your relationship began, what is it built on? Which of these is missing now? Perhaps interest in you has disappeared due to "everyday life", you have ceased to pay attention to yourself? Or, over time, they stopped giving a man a chance to show their abilities, began to pull everything on themselves? So, urgently evaluate your contribution to the relationship, as well as:
- look at your reflection in the mirror full height. If you are dissatisfied with yourself, write down an action plan: a gym, a beautician, clothing stores;
- Observe how often you are joyful, carefree? Your internal state, as well as external, depends only on you. If tormented by fears, low self-esteem, all the time you want to whine, seek help from a psychologist. It is necessary to use any means to maintain a good emotional background;
- Come up with and use morning pleasant rituals to positive charge for the whole day: music, dancing, a cup of coffee, a shower with some special product - leave it for the morning. As you meet the day, so you will spend it.
See how your changes will affect your relationship. The man will look only at you! Joy to you!
Breaking up a relationship is almost never easy. The injured party thinks, "This can't be happening!"
The search for ways to fix everything, revive or fix the relationship begins. Many are looking for meetings with a partner, trying to discuss the chances of a reunion, appealing to past feelings and posting on social networks. We play for time, find out the relationship, but it only gets worse. The easiest way to cope with the pain is to reduce communication with the former partner to nothing.
We create an illusion former life but we don't live
This advice is difficult to follow. We invent new occasions for meetings - for example, we offer to return forgotten things, we call and we are interested in health former relatives and send our congratulations on the holidays. So we create the illusion of a former life, but we do not live.
The only good reason for continuing communication is common children. In the event of a divorce, we continue to share the care of their upbringing. We have to meet and talk on the phone. But even in this case, you should try to keep communication to a minimum and talk only about children.
Here are four reasons to cut off communication.
1. Keeping in touch with your ex will not heal you.
The end of a relationship is painful, but the pain cannot last forever. You will be sad, angry, offended that life is unfair. These feelings are natural and part of the recovery process, but gradually you will accept what has happened.
Those who cannot accept a breakup tend to blame themselves.
By continuing to communicate with your ex, you interfere with the recovery process, preferring a destructive strategy of denying the obvious. In order to open up to a new life and confidently plan for the future, it is necessary to fully accept the fact that the relationship has ended. By acknowledging the breakup, you will experience relief, and your life will become calmer.
2. You deprive yourself of energy
While you are directing energy towards communication with a partner, you do not have enough strength for joy, communication with children, hobbies and new relationships.
3. You live in a fictional world
Relationships are over. Everything you think about them is an illusion. Communication with a partner will never be the same, and the fact that you continue it suggests that you live in your own alternate reality where you are happy together. You strive for meetings, however, communicating in real world you feel frustrated. As long as you live in fictional world you are depriving yourself of real life.
4. You make the same mistakes over and over again.
Those who cannot come to terms with a breakup tend to blame themselves. They do not believe that a breakup can be a chance for personal growth. They scold themselves, instead of leaving the relationship in the past and moving on, trying not to repeat the mistakes they made.
If you can't accept a breakup, your life turns into Groundhog Day. You wake up every day with the same fears, disappointments and accusations against you. You're stuck in a relationship that doesn't exist: you can't be with your ex, but you can't move either. Once you let go of past relationships, you will feel free and independent from the hurts and regrets of yesterday.
about the author
Jill Weber Clinical psychologist, author of Building Self-Esteem 5 Steps: How to Feel Good Enough.
As a rule, parting with former lovers, we swear to ourselves to stay in good relations, to keep in touch, not to get lost, to come to the rescue, and indeed in case of a break in relations, unless, of course, this is a scandal accompanied by breaking dishes and things thrown from the balcony, we are honestly going to remain friends and ... stop communicating at all. It turns out that breaking off relations, getting lost, even with the warmest feelings for each other, is normal. We have already said everything, found out everything, and in just a few moments we became strangers to each other. Not so long ago, scientists from the New Zealand Clinical Center stated that only people with mental problems maintain friendship with former lovers. The study involved 850 volunteers. The specialists asked them a series of detailed questions about their previous relationship. In particular, the respondents had to talk about the reasons for the breakup and about contacts with a former partner after the breakup. Having thoroughly studied the behavior of each of the respondents, the experts found out that warm, friendly relations with ex-partners are maintained only by people suffering from various kinds of mental disorders.
A woman wants to be friends with her ex because she is still hopeful. A man - because he hopes for sex.
A curious fact: the hidden motives for which people want to remain friends with the former differ dramatically in men and women. If a woman who wants to be “friends”, as a rule, is not able to realize that the romance is over and it’s time to move on, then a man looks at the situation without illusions, and wants to remain friends solely for the sake of satisfying his sexual needs. So you should not get hopeful - such friendship, combined with sexual contact, can drag on for years, and no qualitative changes will follow.
Two people are always to blame for the breakup of a relationship, this truth is as old as the world, so it is not surprising that after a tragic (or not so) ending, there is no desire to maintain a relationship, even if you do not immediately rush into the next novel.
Experts say that it is necessary to treat with the greatest caution precisely those who insist on maintaining friendly relations. Moreover, sexy.
The zeal of a man to turn into your "girlfriend", to minimize the already tiny distance - sign of narcissism, and even if now you smile condescendingly, they say, every second person in our country is a narcissist, think about it: narcissism is quite real mental disorder, in no way connected with excessive self-confidence or the need to always and everywhere look your best. The concept of narcissism was first introduced into psychology by Sigmund Freud. One of the main signs of narcissism is a pronounced sense of possessiveness: Break up? Let go? Like this, this is mine! Agree, it’s not too pleasant to completely belong to someone, we still live in a free country.
Another option is your former psychopath. Yes, yes, this also happens, some deviations may not be noticed, and if doubts still arise in your head, you will immediately throw them away, writing off strange behavior your partner for excessive emotionality. Meanwhile, psychopaths are also owners, however, unlike narcissists, their sense of possessiveness quite gets along with painful attachment to the second half, unreasonable jealousy, fits of aggression or bouts of despondency, so, most likely, agreeing to be friends with a psychopath, you doom yourself to endless tantrums, which will only become more frequent over time. In addition, often former partners are looking for an opportunity to get at least some benefit from us, in other words - if it didn’t work out with love, you need to “shake off” everything else, including, by the way, sex.
With women it's a little different. The psyche of many of us is so arranged that sometimes it is quite difficult for men to distinguish whether a lady is simply the owner of an unbearable and capricious character, or she really has a problem with her head. Often, our need for friendship with an ex is the result of a deep emotional attachment. We, especially if our feelings, unlike the feelings of a partner, have not yet faded away, are happy to accept the new rules “now we are friends” for one single reason: it seems to us that if the ex-boyfriend remains in our field of vision, it’s too early or later he will return. This is not so, especially if the “person opposite” has not had tender feelings for you for a long time, over time, a friendly relationship will simply begin to annoy him, the relationship will still stop completely, and you will have to for a long time be treated for depression. Most easy way forget the one you still love - run, as fast and as far as possible.
And yet, even taking into account the research of scientists, one should not think that your man, falling into the category of the former, immediately becomes deadly, by no means, your ex does not become a maniac, but it would still be nice to keep your ear sharp, in after all, who among us wants to be used, offended, abandoned? A warm relations- why not? After all, we live in civilized world, cultural separation is now in vogue, especially if you were connected not just by romantic relationships, but by years of marriage or even children. The main thing is not to strive for rapprochement, because friendship between a man and a woman, as you know, does not exist at all.
