Reasons for anger
Recently, forty-one counselors were asked to describe how they experience angry feelings. Some said they get angry when people resist treatment despite their best efforts, or when people cause trouble by using them for their own purposes, encroaching on their personal time and calling them on the phone at home unnecessarily. Most of them experienced anger when subjected to physical or verbal aggression, and some admitted that they became angry when their charges tried to manipulate them, demanding special attention or trying to make them feel guilty 366 .
That's why we usually use tags, it's not up to me. In a relationship, everyone can have their moves, and obviously we're not going to leave a relationship every time there's a move in the other. When there is love, one fights for that love, but obviously everything has its limits. What if you need to clearly understand one thing is what is the breaking point and make it clear to the other so you don't run into surprises and that you are both consistent. This limit point may be different for each person, but we determine it ourselves.
366 Fremont and Anderson, "Client Behaviors"
Many will agree that anger is more often caused by actions and deeds, and not by circumstances or events 367 . The Bible provides several vivid illustrations of this situation. Jonah was "greatly grieved and irritated" when the people repented and God spared Nineveh, largely because of Jonah's preaching, which he took up reluctantly. Herod was indignant and fell into anger when he saw that the wise men led him 369 . The other ten disciples were indignant with James and John when they expressed their ambition for the Kingdom 370 . Jesus himself was indignant at the self-righteousness of religious leaders and the intolerant attitude of the disciples towards children who wanted to see Him.
It is obvious that our feelings do not match with some as they do with others. Now, beyond this limit, we must act and act, it is not only talks, but also their execution, and who has to carry out what is said, who says, regardless of whether the other acted. This can lead to any relationship, be it family or work, the limits are self-imposed.
After this limit is exceeded, we stay there and continue to allow, and we retain this inner pain that this situation creates. In fact, we are waiting for the other to act, and in many cases it is us who must act and change.
367 This was shown many years ago in one study of the anger response; According to this work, the main factor infuriating, people count their neighbors in nearly 80 percent of posts; see: G. S. Gates, "An Observational Study of Anger", Journal of Experimental Psychology 9 (1926): 325, 326.
368 Ion. 4:1.
370 Mt. 20:24.
371 Mk. 3:5; 10:14.
Counselors pointed to different sources of anger 372 . Some adhered theory of instinctive the origin of anger, agreeing with Freud that anger originates within a person. According to this hypothesis, anger is an innate, or primary, biological emotion, usually provoked by a hostile environment, the actions of others, or restrictions imposed by society. Anger boils in the depths of the soul and needs to be discharged when it does not find an outlet 373 . On the contrary, according to frustration-aggression theories, it is assumed that anger and aggression always arise in response to the collapse of hopes. Since the state of frustration* 374 is familiar to everyone, each of us exhibits angry reactions from time to time. The latest (and more scientifically sound) is social learning theory, who sees anger as emotional condition or the excitement that comes from disappointment and finds a variety of ways to discharge, depending on the characteristics of the person's perception and his past experience.
This is our responsibility and we usually blame or take responsibility, of course, in other cases 99% of the time. At the "best case" what we usually do is to express this pain towards people that seem to us on a daily basis, and that in fact it is not real reason the anger we feel. They are human, that what they do activates the pain or anger that is already inside of us, and we do not really express it towards the person or people who are really causing this pain.
Although we don't like it, these people who appear in our lives and who seem to take away the worst from us, in fact, what they do tells us and reminds us that we have an inner something that one can decide from the past, and what is present in it now, acting in us with these people who appear.
372 This and other hypotheses for the origin of anger are described in David W. Augsburger, "Anger and Aggression," in Clinical Handbook of Pastoral Counseling, ed. Robert J. Wicks, Richard D. Persons, and Donald E. Capps (New York: P&ulist Press, 1985): 482–501; R. E. Butman, "Anger", in Baker Encyclopedia of Psychology, ed. David G. Benner (Grand Rapids, Mich.: Baker, 1985), 58–60.
373 This point of view underlies the theory of Konrad Lorenz, see: Konrad Lorenz, On Aggression(New York: Harcourt, Brace & World, 1966). According to one author, the hypothesis of the instinctive origin of anger is “a mixture of anecdote, a stream of analogies, unsystematic journalism and vague concepts ... In in a certain sense, according to this hypothesis, no one can be held responsible for anger, since aggressive impulses accumulate and, regardless of the desires of the individual, are expressed in expressive behavior ... However, to accept that there is some kind of unknown and unknowable accumulation of invisible and immeasurable energy, for some scientific explanation aggressive behavior means holding on to mythological ideas that have almost no solid basis under them and by and large untenable in the light of the scientific evidence" (A. P. Goldstein, "Aggression", in Concise Encyclopedia of Psychology, ed. Raymond J. Corsini, 35).
In the "worst case" we express almost nothing. We close and keep these emotions within ourselves and we pretend that everything is going well and that nothing is happening but internally moving in one. In this case, we try to give other people good qualities, we will not break the plate, we allow everything, we do not enter into any conflicts with anyone, and we do not interfere with anyone. In some cases, you can reach the point that you can no longer endure this situation, going to the other extreme. That is, exploiting, not hushing up anything, even getting to say something that is not really felt.
374 Frustration - a state of depression, anxiety that occurs in a person as a result of the collapse of hopes, the impossibility of achieving goals.
There may be as many causes of anger as there are situations and human actions that violate peace of mind. However, some common causes can be identified.
Because the person was so quiet and kept so much pain inside that he would not even allow a minimum, but to the extreme, even in some cases not wanting to listen to others, whether forever or badly. It's like we've found so much inside of us that now we need to get it out, whatever.
Both one case and the other are two extremes and as we all know the ends just touch at the end, meaning they are actually the same problem but expressed differently. Therefore, neither is the best or worst way to express internal problem, there are only two ways to express the same problem.
1. Biology. IN popular book, dedicated to Anger 375 , Karol Tavris tells of a boy who always got along with everyone, except for periodic bouts of irritation. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, he went into a state of violent excitement, reminiscent of an epileptic seizure. After the attack, the boy usually cried and asked for forgiveness, saying that he could not help himself.
The mirror technique works very well for this type of case because it shows us what we don't like about ourselves, what we don't like about others. Others may reflect us as one of the following ways. What we do, but with ourselves. They show us the other extreme where we can be. For example, we don't like selfish people who only look at themselves and may think that we are constantly for others, but we are not for ourselves, and we even prioritize others over us. This is an extreme, which may be a reflection of what we call selfish.
375 Carol Tavris, Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion(New York: Simon & Schuster, 1982).
Bananas turned out to be the cause of these outbursts of rage. After the boy ate bananas, the neurochemical responses in his brain changed, and this was reflected in rage and aggressive behavior. As soon as bananas were eliminated from the diet, the fits of anger stopped.
This case is not quite common; Anger is not always so easy to explain and heal. However, there is evidence that allergies, brain diseases, metabolic disorders, and perhaps genetic abnormalities can cause anger or a particular predisposition to it, at least in some people 376 .
Although we must also recognize that what we find most difficult to recognize and see in ourselves is our selfish part that we all have. Because when, for example, in this case, when a person gives himself only to others and nothing to himself, although at first glance it seems that this is something opposite to being selfish, in fact, an intention hidden in the background, He also selfish.
While we do this as an action we do towards others and for the benefit of others, we are actually doing it to fill our void through others. In the event that we are in the extreme opposite of what the other is doing, we will reject these people, but in fact these people have the same internal conflict, like we have.
376 Ibid.; violence research and abuse in the family, largely summarized by Dr. Grant Martin, also contain indications of the biological origin of aggression; see: Grant L. Martin, Counseling for Family Violence and Abuse(Waco, Tex.: Word, 1987).
2. Injustice. As we saw above, it is injustice that provokes the wrath of God; in the same way, injustice should cause anger among believers. Consider, for example, the actions of Jesus, who cleansed the temple of money changers. The Bible does not say that Christ was angry, but the fact that He overturned the tables sharply rebuked them for their neglect of the house of God implies anger. This anger arose in response to the insult that had taken place. It is clear that such an attitude is one of the most compelling, justified causes of anger (perhaps the only reason for it), but it is injustice that is mentioned last as a cause of anger.
The lust for power has a lot of energy drain to try to stop feeling inferior, so he does this. We can find the opposite situation, where you feel very angry and angry at people who are silent and do not say anything and who do not seem to have enough boiling and who do not face someone and need to be afraid. In the latter case, we may find ourselves in the last resort trying to constantly demonstrate to others what we are worth, how independent we are, and constantly showing how good we are at what we do.
3. Frustration. Speaking of frustration, we mean an obstacle (some event, person or physical barrier) that prevents the achievement of a particular goal. The state of frustration arises from the fact that: a) someone did or did not do something, b) undesirable events occur and unpleasant circumstances develop, c) we, through our own fault, fail or are unable to achieve one or another desired goal. The degree of frustration depends on the value we attribute to this goal, the size of the obstacles, and the duration of the situation. Being late for work is moderately stressful because you have to stop at red lights more than once on the way. Stress is greater when, for example, you fail an important exam, you are denied a promotion, or you get sick and cannot recover. This does not mean that the anger response increases as the level of frustration rises, but potential danger still exists.
It is impossible to avoid trying to convince or force others to see how well we do it. But the problem is the same in both cases, lack of confidence in one, but expressed in different ways. When someone realizes that another has the same problem as us, but is expressed differently, we stop rejecting them, we begin to understand them, and we begin to look at ourselves to decide what is ours. We stopped judging them and judging ourselves, and in the spotlight we started to confront it, change it and solve it.
That is, to highlight our energy in something that helps us strengthen ourselves and not lose energy in something that does not help anyone. Many times it is easier to use the road faster and easier, it is the most convenient, although it does not solve anything, and it can even be a hidden trap for ourselves. Instead of going straight to the front and solving our problem by stepping directly into what really hurts or just what we are confused about. Pain, grief, guilt or shame about what we lived and what we felt, for example, with our father or our mother or our brothers.
4. Threat and insult. Anger often arises in a situation where a person feels rejected, humiliated, insulted, unfairly accused, and so on. Sometimes we feel that others are asking too much of us, have unrealistic expectations of us, or are treating us unfairly. Threats of this kind lower our self-esteem, remind us of our imperfections, and make us so vulnerable that anger and aggression spring up in retaliation. Sometimes anger becomes an attempt to hide that we are offended or afraid; and this to some extent improves our well-being, but at someone else's expense. According to one psychologist, resentment and anger go hand in hand. “A few seconds after the event gives rise to a feeling of resentment in us, another feeling rapidly rises and penetrates the consciousness - anger” 377 . This anger arises so quickly and so clearly that it is very easy to overlook, to miss the resentment that appears before the anger.
Holding it there saved and expressed it in relation to other people who have nothing in common and who we believe really make us unfair or harmful. We become able to express this anger, anger or resentment towards the people that appear to us in life, and we feel "strong" expressing them and even proud of our own character and that no one is going to change me. It makes us feel "very good" with ourselves, being able to control the other person.
Either out of fear of being in front of our father, or afraid of hurting them, because it was something from childhood, and now there is no point in bringing it into the light, even if it is still inside of us. But one thing we must clearly understand, whether it makes sense or not, is that the sensation of the past is stored in one in the present and cannot be released until it is expressed with a person who corresponds to it. It's very likely that the person won't like what they're about to hear and it can hurt, but that's part of their personal job.
377 Paul Welter, How to Help a Friend(Wheaton, III.: Tyndale, 1978), 109.
It is well known that the same event can anger one person and, apparently, not even affect another. Part of these differences are down to personality traits or how different perceptions of different people the same situation. How do you react when someone crosses your path or overtakes you to park where you wanted to stop? Some drivers will react angrily and decide to get even with the bully, because they will take it as a challenge: they will consider that the bully questioned their ability to drive a car or challenged their right to park where they want. Others might get annoyed, but think that if this guy is the only way to emphasize his superiority, then he has a problem. Whether we get angry or not depends on how we view the situation.
Everyone has their own personal work to do and everyone faces their own fears and feelings. If we never do that, we will never allow the other person to have the opportunity to sort it out and solve it and even get rid of it, although it will depend on whether they want to solve it. Because the decision will always be their decision.
In this way, we no longer only free ourselves and put ourselves in their place in relation to others, but also offer them the opportunity to see if they want to see, and they can also free themselves from this past that affects them. internally in them. As for punishment, for example, in my case, I had a lot of grief saved as a result of the cancer process that my father lived for 2 years, it's a pity that he suffers, and to see how my brothers and mother have such bad time. This saved grief, gradually repulsed me and not understanding it.
5. Training. According to anthropological research 378, people related to different cultures, get angry in different ways, and their external (expressive) manifestations of anger are also different. By watching or listening to others (including on television), we learn not only how to act when we feel angry, but also what situations to respond to. One counselor working with excitable adolescents has concluded that "in almost all cases, at least one of the parents of such adolescents was himself a person prone to express pronounced anger reactions" 379 . By watching their neighbors, children and adults learn how and when to get angry.
There are people who use grief to become victims, but they don't really feel pity, it's a heartache, it's not an inner suffering. When you feel this pain inside your body, it is a pity for love. There is a movie that shows all this very clearly and it's called "a monster comes to me", it's a recommended movie with a message, and it's also a movie that helps us think about our lives.
Sometimes that we are silent, very nice feelings towards others and that we have not yet expressed ourselves, many times because of shame or because we do not know how to express it, since we have never expressed it before. It's as if it were our secret, which may seem silly, but it's very important for us to express it. We live in secret for us. This kind of secrets, in the moment of expressing them and bringing them out, makes us feel much better, like the feeling that something heavy inside of us no longer exists.
378 Cited in Tavris, Anger, chap. 2.
379 Ray Burwick, Anger: Defusing the Bomb(Wheaton, III.: Tyndale, 1981), 19.
“Do not make friends with an angry person,” we read in Proverbs (22:24,25), “and do not associate with a quick-tempered person, lest you learn his ways and bring nooses on your soul.”
Weapon against anger
“They say that an angry person resembles a match: as you know, she has a head, but there are no brains, and therefore she quickly flares up,” recalls the famous psychotherapist Girish Patel, author of the training “Understanding and Overcoming Anger”. Training seminar on this subject, which took place in May 2010 on the basis of the sanatorium-dispensary of the Kazan Motor-Building Association and continued during a 2-hour boat trip along the Volga, helped its participants, residents of the capital of Tatarstan, answer the following important questions:
Such things, liberate most this inner anger, which is really rage at us for not expressing the kind of feelings that matter to us. It seems that if we feel anger, it is because we have held anger towards others in the past, but in many cases this is not the case. The real feeling to get out is a different feeling, very different from rage. Anger is caused by pain that makes us not talk about what is important to us.
What signs and signs lead us to the realization that we are not working and that we are not colliding. A possible signal is when someone speaks will not be able to say such a thing to such a person and what we do not consider consciously or unconsciously affects the relationship we have with this person. We usually don't talk about it so as not to hurt the other, but in fact we are already hurting him, because somehow he is already interfering with the relationship we are having. The other may harm what we are about to say, but this pain can lead him to understand many things and even free himself if he wants to work, but this is the work of another.
- can we really solve the problems that arise in our lives without feeling angry?
- why, even realizing that it is bad, we still continue to be angry?
How can we finally overcome this weakness?
Perhaps the thoughts that sounded during the dialogue with the citizens of Kazan will help you to maintain self-control and cheerfulness even in the most difficult cases.
First step
ANGER: FOR or AGAINST?
First, understand that anger is always bad. "Righteous anger”, “just anger” and the like - all this is nothing more than beautiful words with which we try to justify our own impotence in the face of our shortcomings. Remember: even if the display of anger brought you desired results, they are short-lived and will cost you dearly.
I am often told that anger is good for health. In this case, it is usually referred to that the suppression emotions can cause many diseases, including even cancer. People who hold this view are only partly right. Indeed, suppressing emotions is not good for our mental and physical health. But anger as a method to “let off steam”, “ventilate your emotions” is also ineffective! Data scientific research testify to the contrary: each episode of anger makes you an increasingly angry person, strengthens your hostile attitude towards other people. Ultimately, anger turns into a habitual reaction for you to any more or less serious irritant.
is an emotion leading to psychological paralysis. In the case of physical paralysis, a person cannot control his limbs, and in the same way, due to anger, we lose the ability to control our intellect. We can say that anger is a temporary insanity. Loss of self-control, an unnaturally loud voice, bulging eyes, chaotic movements of the limbs, aggressiveness - aren't we seeing the same signs in the behavior of a violently madman? And the most important similarity: a person seized with anger, like a crazy person, is in the power of illusion, takes the unreal for reality.
Finally, anger is extremely detrimental to our physical health, causing irreparable damage to the muscular, immune, digestive and other systems of our body, disrupting the functioning of the heart, blood vessels and brain.
We cannot be free from anger until we have said to ourselves definitely: “Yes, anger is bad. He hurts me." Do not justify anger by giving formulas such as spells: “it is impossible to completely get rid of anger” or “to be angry is necessary.”
WHAT TO DO?
Is our behavior represents a spectrum: at one end - the suppression of one's own emotions, on another- aggressive behavior. The best option- golden mean. This is the so-called assertive (calm, confident) behavior. There is no need to suppress anger, and there is no need to be angry either. Share your thoughts and feelings with other people, openly tell them about what does not suit you, while maintaining inner stability. Assertiveness is the only one of the three behaviors that will ensure good mental and physical health.
I often suggest that participants in my seminars do the following exercise: pair up and try to get angry at your partner. They never succeed. On the contrary, they perceive this exercise as fun, a way to break the ice and build friendships with a partner. Why? Because they have no reason to be angry. Anger does not happen without a reason. Therefore, the second step in our journey is to identify the typical causes that most often cause us anger, and eliminate them.
Finding out what exactly causes angry outbursts in your particular case will require you to individual work over oneself, introversion and introspection. No training will give you ready-made recipes. However, we will give here some typical causes of anger and schemes for overcoming them. Perhaps you will find your cause in this list, or at least it will become clearer to you how to identify this individual cause.
Reason #1. Our research shows that 30% of the time we get angry when other people's behavior doesn't meet our desires. It hurts our ego and we get irritated. If so, a few useful tips. Overcoming this cause of anger (as well as most other causes) is possible if you explain to yourself in clear, calm language why you should change. In our training, we call this explanation "finding logic". Our intellect understands language logic. If you can convince yourself, you can overcome this reason.
Solution 1. Here is one example of such logic. Explain to yourself: maybe your harsh words you have achieved from a person the fulfillment of your desire. Words may soon be forgotten, but the feelings that you evoked in this person, he will always remember. Perhaps you will apologize later, but the word is not a sparrow, it will fly out, you won’t catch it. Just one episode of anger - and all the good that you did for another person, long years, will be blown up like atomic bomb. Am I ready for such a price-quality ratio?
Solution 2. Another example. Realize that no one can make you angry without your consent. You say, "This man did wrong, and that's why I got angry." It turns out that you are controlled by the behavior of another person! Do you like being manipulated by others? If you don't like it, why do you allow it? Declare to yourself: “I want to be the master of my mood”!
Decision 3. If the other person does not behave the way you want, say to yourself: “Why, in fact, should he do the way I want? After all, he or she is a separate, independent person who has the right to behave as she sees fit. Even if a person behaves 50% the way I expect from him, I should rejoice at this luck.
Solution 4. It is often said that the whole world-theater and we are actors in it. If in a play or film all the characters are positive, such a play or film is likely to be boring. Interest is intrigue, struggle, overcoming. And in the performance of life, these things are also necessary.
Decision 5. "Everything should go the way I want, and nothing else." This is infantilism. Perhaps when you were a child, your parents fulfilled all your requirements. But after all, the spouse (wife), boss, colleagues, neighbors in the stairwell are not your parents, and you are not their child! With this logic, you can deal with your negative attitude.
REASON #2. Another typical cause of anger: the desire to control others, to control them. We tend to think that when we are angry, our children learn better and our subordinates perform better.
Solution. Actually it is not. A parent's anger has never been a good incentive to study. To be convinced of this, remember your own childhood. Over the ever-irritated boss, sooner or later they begin to laugh. You entered the office - your subordinates are working; you turned your back on them - they make faces at you.
REASON #3. “I am intolerant of any lie, untruth. I get angry if others lie."
Solution. Again, understand the logic: if you accept the other as he is, he will not need to lie to you. If you are tolerant, he will be frank with you, will not hide his mistakes. Your anger goes against your own desire! You want your children and subordinates to tell you the truth. But since you get angry you instill fear in them. And because they are afraid of you, the chances that they will lie to you increase.
REASON #4. “The injustice just pisses me off!”
Solution. Of course, one cannot put up with injustice, but anger does not restore justice. Motivation and anger are not the same thing. Yes, you may be highly motivated to eradicate injustice. You can organize a whole social movement to fight this very injustice. But you will achieve the best results only if you maintain inner stability and calmness.
REASON 5. There are deeper psychological reasons. Let's say that during a discussion you see that your opponent wins and you lose. At such moments, you tend to get angry and cut off the conversation so as not to suffer final defeat.
Solution. Perhaps by interrupting the conversation today, you took some tactical advantage out of this, hiding your incompetence. But strategically, it can be much more useful to admit today's defeat, so that later you can seriously work on your argument and win the next discussion. Otherwise, you get used to using this weapon in any situation - to cut off the conversation, and this is not good, and besides, it is not always possible.
REASON #6. Sometimes we get angry to hide our weakness. Why do chronically ill or elderly people often lose their temper? They think: I am old, weak, they ignore me, no one needs me ...
Solution. Try to explain your feelings to other people without being embarrassed. It is important that others begin to understand you better. Then they will be more willing to cooperate. In addition, you should think about your inferiority complex and increase self-esteem. Remind yourself often of your uniqueness, of your strengths; make a list of them on a piece of paper and look at it from time to time.
REASON #7. Sometimes causes of anger are purely physical in nature, such as being hungry or not getting enough sleep.
Solution. It is best if we eat little but often (4-5 times a day). If you feel that you are chronically sleep deprived and irritated because of this, it may be worthwhile to reduce work for a while and take a good rest, so that later you can get back to work with renewed vigor.
Third step
TIME AND THOUGHTS
After finding out the reasons for your anger and finding the logic, use the two main treasures: Time and Thoughts.
We, unlike the already mentioned match, have brains. The problem is that in difficult situation we do not have enough time to use them. After all, even in order to simply ask ourselves the question: “Is it better if I get angry?”, We need some time. The whole problem with anger is that it doesn't give us that time: as soon as something happens, bang! We explode. In this case, a simple advice can help: wait, postpone your reaction for a day. You can’t for a day, wait at least an hour, at least one minute. Drink a glass of water, take two or three deep breaths and exhale, and only then proceed to solve the problem. If the letter that came to you caused irritation, do not answer it on the same day. Wait until tomorrow.
In fact, it is not situations (something external, beyond our control) that lead to anger, but our own thoughts. No, even the most outrageous situation will cause me anger until I start thinking about it. And this means that the victory over anger is always in our hands and only in our hands!
Anger is much easier to overcome if you catch its inception even before it manifests itself. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, we notice our anger when we've already yelled, slammed a door, or smashed a plate. But in time it's too late to fix anything. That is why it is so important to be very sensitive to your internal state. How?
My advice: do everything you do consciously. Let's say you're just walking, but do it consciously: feel how your arms and legs move, how you breathe, what you feel. You shower, eat breakfast, drive to work... do it all consciously. This practice will help you to be in touch with your emotions all the time. You'll notice, yes, anger can come out now. And then it will be easy for you to prevent it.
Very helpful in this regard various techniques relaxation and meditation. I can say from experience that it's amazing. effective way maintain self-control and control own emotions is a Raja Yoga Brahma Kumaris meditation that I have been practicing for decades. The experience of a doctor and just a person convinces me that this system of meditation has a significant healing effect on the body, helping to cope with stress and tension, and forming a positive attitude towards life.
