People have been joking for years. They joke with words, make faces, draw pictures and make films. Someone had to fix this one day.
1
Personally, I don't find clowns funny at all. To be honest, I'm afraid of them. I don't even know when it started. Probably when I was taken to the circus as a child and a clown killed my father. J. Handy
3
Creative intelligentsia around the world condemned the closure of the Tajik Opera and Ballet Theatre. “Now the unemployed artists will most certainly become drug dealers and drug couriers,” music critics confidently declare.
Magazine "Red Burda"
5
They are little blue creatures, and they each have fifty arms, so they are - the only people in the entire universe who invented deodorant before the wheel.
D. Adams. Restaurant at the edge of the universe
6
If Roosevelt were alive, he would be turning over in his grave. Samuel Goldwyn
7
“The boatswain fell overboard,” Captain Hold told me. “I am partly to blame for this. It happened early in the morning. I picked him up in my arms to get a better look at the iceberg, and quite by accident, I assure you, quite by accident I dropped him overboard.
“Captain Hold,” I inquired, “have you done anything to save him?”
"Not yet," he replied shyly.
S. Leacock. Lost among the swells, or a shipwreck in the ocean
10
Terrible sciatica. Old-timers do not remember that a person had such an ass pain. F. Ranevskaya
11
- Have mercy, Pyotr Andreevich! What are you up to! Did you quarrel with Alexei Ivanovich? Great trouble! Hard words break no bones. He scolded you, and you scold him; he is in your snout, and you are in his ear, in the other, in the third - and disperse ...
A. Pushkin. Captain's daughter
12
- What's great? - shouted to him from the sky Winnie the Pooh. - Well, who do I look like?
- On a bear that flies in a balloon!
“But doesn’t it look like a little black cloud?” asked Pooh anxiously.
- Not good.
- Well, maybe it looks more like from here. A. Milne. Winnie the Pooh and all
(retelling by B. Zakhoder)
13
In their company, I would die of boredom if I were not there.
Alexandre Dumas son
15
My girlfriend always dies of laughter during sex, no matter what she reads. Emo Phillips
16
- A thousand apologies! Don Goog exclaimed, smoothly approaching the table. “By my duke’s rickets, completely unforeseen circumstances!” I was stopped four times by the patrol of His Majesty the King of Arkanar, and twice I fought with some boors. He gracefully lifted left hand wrapped in a bloody rag. - By the way, noble dons, whose helicopter is behind the hut?
"That's my helicopter," Don Condor said peevishly. - I don't have time for fights on the roads.
A. and B. Strugatsky. It's hard to be a god
18
I met several professors there. One of them followed me all the time and explained that the ancestral home of the gypsies was in the Krkonoše, and the other argued that inside the globe there is another ball, much larger than the outer one. IN crazy house everyone could say whatever came into his head, as if in parliament.
I. Hasek. The Adventures of the Good Soldier Schweik
20
Indiana Jones unexpectedly wins a saber duel with a pistol.
Film "Indiana Jones in search of the lost ark."
22
The Kid began to run out of patience, and when Uncle Julius visited them last time, he drew a portrait of him in his album, and under the drawing he wrote: "Dumbass." Uncle Julius accidentally saw this drawing and said: "You drew a bad horse."
A. Lindgren. Carlson, who lives on the roof, is playing pranks again
24
- Do you identify with your character?
- No.
- Why?
- I'm playing a crazy cannibal robot! From the movie "Notting Hill"
25
And your father is a binduzhnik Mendel Krik. What is this dad thinking? He thinks about drinking a good glass of vodka, about punching someone in the face, about his horses - and nothing else. I. Babel
26
A man is adorned by clothes. naked people have very little influence in society, if not none at all. M. Twain
27
The oldest of funny jokes.
Once a scholastic philosopher met his old acquaintance.
- ABOUT! And they told me you were dead!
- No, you see, I'm alive.
- That's how it is. But the person who told me you were dead deserves more credit than you.
Collection of anecdotes "Philogelos", 5th century BC. e.
28
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. W. Churchill
29
Forty years is the age when you finally feel young, but it's too late. Pablo Picasso
30
There are only two infinite things: the universe and stupidity. Although I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
31
Hey, dumpling, it hit me: each of our ancestors fucked at least once! From m / f "Beavis and Butt-head"
33 Sleep faster, someone else needs your pillow! M. Zoshchenko
35 Entrust the solution of a complex task to a lazy employee: he will find an easier way. Hlade's Law
36
If there is critical situation, wake me up at any time of the day or night - even if I'm at a cabinet meeting. Ronald Reagan
37
To help the patient develop hands after complex operation, doctors gave him lice ... I. Kvasov
39
I dreamed about Freud. What would that mean? E. Lets
41
Do you have a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? Mae West
42
Sometimes you have to make people laugh to distract them from wanting to hang you. B. Show
43
- Ale… Who is it? Director? Fuck you, director! Not up to you right now. From m / f "Masyanya"
45
When George ends his life on the gallows, Harris will be the worst packer in the world.
J. K. Jerome. Three in the boat, not counting the dog
46
- Bimbo, stop! When he told this joke, he did not know that you are an elephant! Harry Larsen
47
If life is too busy,
Function weakens sexual. I. Huberman
48
The Simpsons are watching the lottery results.
Homer. This guy certainly won a lot of money, but there is one thing that money can't buy!
Marge. And what is it?
Homer. Dinosaur! From m / f "The Simpsons"
51
When it finally dawned on my parents that I had been kidnapped, they didn't hesitate a minute and immediately rented out my room. W. Allen
52
- I'm from the Mog tribe. Half dog, half human. I best friend himself! From the movie "Space Eggs"
53
Don't touch Shikhman's bear,
With Mishka away doubts:
He is full of Jews
In every generation.
There grandfather is paralyzed,
Former pest doctor
And I'm an anti-Semite
On an anti-Semite.
Mishka is a doctor, he suddenly calmed down,
In Israel there is an abyss of them.
There are only gynecologists
Like uncut dogs.
There is no way for dentists,
Too much asking.
Where can you find all the teeth?
So unemployment. V. Vysotsky
55 She grabbed his hand and repeatedly asked: “Where did you put the money?” A. Averchenko. Magazine "Satyricon"
57 best view on this city, if you sit in a bomber. I. Brodsky. Performance
58
- Dear, kiss me goodbye ... Promise that you will never marry again!
- I promise!
- No sex!
Sorry, I didn't hear...
- No-ka-ko-go sex-sa!
- Honey, your speech is slurred... You have a terrible injury!
- No sex, no sex!
- O evil fate, last words wives will remain under the veil of darkness!
- Don't fuck!
- Yes, dear ... Go to the light ... From the movie "Scary Movie - 3"
60 The apartment of two friends was robbed.
Ross. What did the insurance company say?
Chandler. Yes, they all repeated: "You did not conclude an insurance contract with us, stop calling us." From the series "Friends"
61 - Crazy! From m / f "Hedgehog in the Fog"
62 And you yourself know how hard it is to write about love in France. Because everything that concerns love has long been written in France. Everyone knows about love there, but here they know nothing about love. Show our man with a secondary education, show him a hard chancre and ask: "What kind of chancre is it - hard or soft?" - he will definitely blurt out: “Soft, of course,” and show him soft - so he will be completely confused. And there - no. Maybe they don’t know how much “St. John’s wort” costs, but if the chancre is soft, then it will be soft for everyone and no one will call it hard ... Ven. Erofeev. Moscow - Petushki
64
Nick Gurevich
66
V. Lubnin
67
Kyle. Hey Stan, did you see a rainbow this morning?
Stan. Yeah. Such healthy!
Cartman. I hate rainbows!
Stan. Cartman, everyone likes a rainbow. What is there to hate about her?
Cartman. It's not clear, is it? Here you are sitting, all in your thoughts, and this rainbow will tumble down, and how it will crawl right along your leg, climb into your ass, where it will start to bite! You will then yell: “Hey, get out of my ass, you stupid rainbow!”
Kyle. Cartman, a rainbow is such a multi-colored arch that appears in the sky after a thunderstorm.
Cartman. Ah! Rainbow! Oh yes, I love rainbows. Cool such!
Stan. Cartman, what are you talking about?
Cartman. A? Yes, so ... About nothing ... From m / f "South Park"
68 - I want to tell you that we can't get married at all.
- Why?
- First of all, I'm not a natural blonde.
- It doesn't matter.
- But I smoke. I smoke all the time.
- I don't care.
- I will never have children.
- We'll adopt someone.
- Oh, damn! And after all, I am a man.
- Well. Each has its own shortcomings. From the movie "Only Girls in Jazz"
69 Gentlemen of the jury! Look at Cicolini! Yes, he talks like an idiot and looks like an idiot. But don't let that fool you, he really is an idiot. From the movie "Duck Soup".
70
72 It's better to be black than gay. If you were born a black man, at least you don't have to think about how to tell your mother about it. Charles Pierce
73
Another solution (how to improve memory. - Approx. MAXIM) is to take regular doses of Ginkgo biloba, an extract from a tree growing in Asia, which has such a strong memory that one day it will hunt down and kill all the people who have ever eaten it.
S. Martin. Changes in memory after fifty
74
Vera Inber had the line "... don't cut the dashing head!" V. Kataev wrote a parody:
Ah, u Inber, ah, u Inber
Curly forehead.
A century would look, a century would look
On her b.
75
Love married woman- a great thing. For married men this was not a dream. O. Wilde
76
- Izzy, do not go to visit us anymore. After you arrived, Sarah lost her necklace.
- But I did not take anything, Abraham!
- Yes, the necklace was found, but the sediment remained.
78
I have seen more people who have been ruined by the desire to have a wife and children and keep them comfortable than men who have been ruined by drunkenness and whores.
William Butler Yeats
79
Friendship between a man and a woman is possible. True, children are born from her.
Friedrich Engels
80
- I want to ask you this: when you drove in, did you see the sign here "Storage of the dead blacks"?
No, I haven't seen...
“Do you know why you didn’t see the sign “Vault of the Dead Negroes”? Because I! Not! I keep! Dead! Negroes!- Again?! You have already jumped ten times, the parachute has never opened!
- No, I have to!
- Well, to hell with you, jump.
On the ground there is a meeting in the collective farm. The chairman yells:
- Disgrace! Cows don't milk! Chickens don't lay! Drunk tractor driver drowned!
A roar, a crack, a roof breaks, a parachutist falls on the table.
Chairman:
- And this parachutist is already sick of it !!!
83
You were done in a hurry.
Your whole life is an advertisement for safe sex! From the film "DMB"
85
You were in college! Have you been told about cases like mine?
- Yes, of course they did. Psychological anomalies...
- So what should I do?
- I think we need to meet again. Like tomorrow!
87 I drink no more than one hundred grams, but after drinking one hundred grams, I become a different person, and this other person drinks a lot. Emil Krotky
88
I owe my health and longevity to the fact that I never touched a cigarette, a glass, or a woman until I was ten years old. George Moore
89
Punctuality is the politeness of bores. Evelyn Waugh
90
Nothing is more demoralizing than a modest but steady income. Edward Wilson
91
An elderly couple is having breakfast. The wife asks thoughtfully:
Vasya, do you love me?
Husband throwing a fork in his hearts:
- Well, why is it necessary to start every morning with a scandal ?!
92
Drug apartment. Doorbell.
On the threshold - a police squad:
- We have a lot of complaints from your neighbors. They say that your apartment stinks of burnt rags and laughter is constantly heard. What are you doing here?
Addict (shrugs):
- Yes so... We burn rags, we laugh.
93
Advocate. Tell me, did the defendant have a personal dislike for the victim?
Witness. Yes, I experienced. He told me: “I feel such personal dislike for the victim that I can’t eat.”
Prosecutor. But the defendant claims that he did not know the victim.
Witness. Listen ... this ... how do you know? When he went to the toilet, Valiko asked me: “Listen, he says, who is he, this victim? Where did he go? I see him for the first time,” he says. From the movie "Mimino"
95 Generally speaking, my kids refuse to eat anything that isn't dancing on TV. Erma Bombek
96
A woman can make any man a billionaire a millionaire. Charlie Chaplin
100
One awkward move and you're a father. M. Zhvanetsky
Rose, dear, marry me!
- A ring with a huge diamond give?
- Famously you sent me away, famously ...
Wife calls her husband
- Ale! Can you speak?
- Can.
- Then listen.
Barrymore, what's that swamp howl?
- You never took your woman to the sea, sir?
A man came to the kindergarten to pick up his son, began to dress the boy, and then the teacher came up:
- It's not your child!
- Okay, neighborly gossip, but you are there too!
Man, are you bored?
- Not by that much.
The men are sitting, sour. One does not drink.
“The wife,” she says, “smells the smell, won’t let her go home!”
- Nonsense! Zaesh something, drown out the smell, not a fig will smell!
The man drank. He ate a clove of garlic, chewed a bay leaf, smoked, and finally chewed gum. Comes home, knocks on the door.
The wife screams from behind the door:
- Got drunk again, you bastard!
- No, what are you doing!
"Well, breathe through the keyhole."
The man breathed.
The wife screams from behind the door:
- You're good at making jokes! Breathe through your mouth!
Pashka, hello!
- Girl, I don't... - Long time no see! Is he still good in bed?
- Well, Pasha is Pasha.
A lady walks into a very expensive boutique.
Seller: - Hello, let me introduce you new collection, it's exclusive! Excuse me, do you have money?
- No...
- Well, what are you pinned, would go to the market!
- I have a card.
- Hello again!
Hello! What a great sweatshirt you have on!
- Imagine, I have absolutely nothing under it!
- Don't worry, they will grow!
Neighbor knocking on the door
- Hello. We bought a new car. Would you like some bread?
The maid asked the mistress of the house for an increase. The woman was visibly upset and asked:
- Helen, why do you think you deserve a raise?
Well, there are three reasons for this. First, I iron clothes better than you.
Woman:
- Who said that?
- Your husband.
- ABOUT…
Helen:
- The second reason is that I cook better than you.
- Who said that?
- Your husband.
- ABOUT…
Helen:
- And the third reason is that I'm better with xs than you are.
Woman:
Is that what my husband said too?
Helen:
- No, our gardener.
- So how much do you want?
Dad, I want to do ballet.
- No, Seryozha, it's dangerous.
- Why?
- I'll break your legs.
Why are you stuffing condoms into your pockets?
- I'm going to the disco.
- Do you know the sign?
- What?
- Take an umbrella - it won't rain!
Goes old jew down the street with a stick - he can barely move his legs ...
On the other side of the street, a guy overtakes him. The Jew calls out to him:
- Young man, are you by any chance in the laundry?
- To the laundry room.
- Well, then you will follow me ...
Little Moishe comes to the store.
- I have three liters of honey, he hands the jar to the saleswoman. She pours a full can.
- And dad will come tomorrow and pay.
- Well, no, - the saleswoman takes the jar from him and pours the honey back.
Moishe goes outside and looks into the jar:
- Dad was right, there's enough for two sandwiches.
Odessa. One neighbor says to another:
- Semyon Markovich, I still admire your feelings! You and Sofa have been living together for 20 years, and yet, walking around the city, always hold hands!
- Oh, Benya, if I let her go, she will definitely buy something.
A man came to the doctor, carefully undressed: carefully took off his pants, carefully took off his underpants and carefully hung it all on a chair. Turned to the doctor and said:
- Doctor, I have one testicle higher than the second!
Doctor:
- Well, it's okay, nothing is perfect.
Man:
- Yes, but somehow it's not neat!
The wife of her programmer husband asks:
- Honey, do you remember when our wedding anniversary is?
- Well, yes! Exactly four days after the end of the antivirus license.
He sent a text message to his girlfriend: "Congratulations on a wonderful Groundhog Day." She replied that I was a jerk and a goat. Tried to call her. Didn't pick up the phone. Then he remembered that she critical days"began and calmed down. The next day I re-read my SMS and saw that I had missed the letter "p" in the word "Surka".
The general saw a soldier polishing his boots with red cream:
- Why do you clean your boots with red cream?
- It does not concern you, comrade general!
- How do you talk? Answer properly!
- Comrade General, there is no black cream anywhere, only red remains ...
- It doesn't concern me!
- And I told you right away!
Abram, what do you think, which of the wives is better: a doctor or a teacher?
- The doctor is better.
- Why?
- Well, the doctors invite: “Come in, undress,” and the teachers order: “Go to the blackboard!”.
A commission came to one monastery, which consisted of the abbots of other monasteries. One of the members of the commission came to the local rector and indignantly began to tell that the monks smoke when they pray!
- And what? Our monastery, the Holy Synod, asked if you could smoke when you pray.
- And what was the answer?
- The answer was that it is impossible! And then we asked if it was possible to pray while smoking, and we were told that we could! You see, everything will depend on how you put the question!
Dressing in the locker room two women. One of them put on family shorts. The second asks her:
- And when did you start wearing men's underpants?
- Since the time my husband found them under the bed.
Rabinovich returned from a business trip ahead of schedule, looked under the bed - no one, in the closet - it was also empty there, and no one was hanging on the balcony. He returned gloomy to the room, and his wife said to him sarcastically:
- So, Syoma, are you unlucky? We'll have to take the rap for everyone today.
Mortgage:
- And here is the apartment! the rabbit thinks.
- I've had lunch! - thinks the boa constrictor.
On board the plane, one of the pilots laughed hysterically. The co-pilot asks:
- What's happened?
- I imagine panic in the madhouse when they find out that I ran away!
Vovochka's mom asks:
How many tasks were on the test today?
- 15!
- And how many wrong did you decide?
- Only one!
- And the others, it turns out, correctly decided?
- No, I didn't manage to solve the others...
Comrade sergeant, a caterpillar flew off our tank!
- Don't be greedy, let the sparrows peck.
Why don't you have cats in your yard?
- What is it?
- Yes, so ... nothing ...
- Would you like a cheburek, neighbor?
Two men are drinking beer. One says to the other:
- Well, you have grown a belly for yourself, Ivanovich!
- It's not belly. It's a liver!
Honey, did you throw out the trash can?
- Yes darling. I just can't understand - where are we going to put the trash today?
"Secretary looking for a job in his specialty. Has experience with a scarf, a sapper and a solitaire at the most difficult level. Do not offer coffee in bed."
Look what a chick!
- I'm not a swell, but fifa!
- Oh, are you also fond of football?
Doorbell:
- Did you call the hangover doctor?
- Called.
- What are you complaining about?
- Drinking tortured ...
- How often do they happen to you?
- About four times a year.
- How long?
- Three months...
Diet. eat alone for 3 days vegetable salads, then you sit on one yogurt for 4 days, then you drink one herbal tea for 5 days, then you drink only water for 7 days ... Then 9 days ... Then 40 days ..
There are more poses in the morning minibus than in the Kama Sutra.
Yesterday, on my top ten, I accelerated to 200 km / h. Advise on how to wash the shit on the seats ?! I have velor.
I want to live, but I don't have anyone to live with. So you live with whoever...
No matter how much you feed the Wolf, the Elephant has more eggs!
Neither stake nor yard - impotent without an apartment.
"War and Peace" is a terrible book. Yes, I didn’t read it, xeryl, damn it!
Why is one of two lovers always a bitch?!
Life is a game, but after 2 liters of vodka - turn-based strategy.
The prosecutor said, the investigator did ...
A fly crawls on the glass, on the windowsill, a hammer lies inopportunely. I sit and think how stupid not to do.
All that he could accumulate in his 45 years of work is 25 kg of fat!
The New Year went well if in the morning they call you "Dude from YouTube" on the street.
A businessman yells at his cleaning lady: "Where is the dust from the table?! There were important phone numbers recorded there!"
Remember! Mortgage is not a prison, there will be no amnesty!
If you meet a bear on a narrow forest path, do not get lost, immediately beat him in the face with crap underpants.
A real friend will never ask - "why?" She just goes to the store, buys, brings, opens and pours.
Your pussy is dead on Whiskas! Dead cat - less hassle!
The convicts in the Russian zones left the roosters alone. Fear of bird flu.
Elena Berkova's husband tells his children that their mother is a pilot.
Girl, I'm bored with you. I want to sleep with you.
Popular sign: if you have triplets, then two of them are of the same sex.
If the problem can be solved for money, then this is not a problem, these are expenses.
If a woman is smart, then it's too late to beat her
Crap! When I tried to work, the Internet was detected again.
A boy with a diamond in his brain was found in China. Scientists have puzzled over...
I am changing the book "The Joy of Sex" to the book "Venereal Diseases and Their Treatment".
Look, they kiss on the eighth floor! YES .. they would have a woman ...
I explain on my fingers! Medium see
Announcement in the dining room: Do not climb into the salt shaker with your fingers and eggs.
He saved so much that he looked at porn sites with graphics turned off.
tutor kindergarten a killer is required, the work is small, but very nimble
No matter how sorry the little Carlson was, but dad urgently needed a new outboard motor ..
Socialite Ksenia Sobchak posed irritated for the magazine. "Neurologists
The master went to the bear with his bare hands. And came back without...
Dear men! If you cannot read "I sent you" correctly the first time, then these are your problems.
I'm not sad, I'm sober!
Village wisdom: If your daughter did not come to spend the night, in the morning in the hayloft, be careful with pitchforks.
Stalin - he is like google: you give him a word - he gives you a link
Weaklings suck. Real men fuck their fist.
The rough Russian truth: my grandmother earned her bread by selling pies.
Gurbanguly Berdimuhammedov stole corals from Tanirbergen Berdongarov
"After fifty, life is just beginning" - I thought ... and splashed myself another fifty!
Angles are sharp, obtuse and straight. Therefore, in childhood, they put witty, dumb-headed and straightforward people in a corner.
There is nothing more useful in the household than a guilty husband
Patient Sidorov fully recovered from schizophrenia. The voices in his head told him so.
Even under the most beautiful peacock tail hides an ordinary chicken butt.
Before the fight, Fedor Emelianenko reads a textbook on quantum physics. Misunderstanding annoys Fedor very much.
To make a person feel good, you must first make him feel bad, and then the way it was.
The girl Mashenka walked in the yard for so long that she froze her grandmother.
You can't fart happily with a sad ass.
Today I woke up, I look - “something is not right”, most importantly, “something is not right”, I also woke up and looks.
A terrible thing is diarrhea with sclerosis - you run and you don’t know where
It happens that you wait, you wait, you wait, and then once and indifferently.
Before calling a woman a bunny, think about whether you have enough cabbage and whether a carrot will let you down.
Funny jokes will help to improve your mood when you are sad, break the ice between people and just fill a pause in a conversation. Most funny jokes of our site, specially selected for you, will help not only cheer up, but also improve your health, because laughter is the best medicine. In this section you will find the funniest jokes that have been selected in the hope that whatever your sense of humor, you will like them.
Anecdotes are one of the oldest forms of literary humor, if I may say so. From the depths of centuries, jokes were formed into the forms that we have now. We tried to collect the funniest jokes on our website, as jokes can be either very funny or not funny at all. A mixture of wit, comical situations, plot and set actors play a major role in the joke. But even in order to understand funny jokes you need to have a good sense of humor, because without such a wonderful sense it’s better not to read jokes at all, you won’t understand. :)
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from the mouth to the stomach. A human hair can withstand a load of 3 kilograms. penis length is 3 lengths thumb. Women blink twice as often as men. The girls have already read this text. Guys are still looking at their thumbs.
In class, the teacher gives the children a task.
- From city A to city B - forty kilometers, and from city B to city C - seventy kilometers. Who's to say how old I am?
Peter raises his hand and says:
- Forty eight.
- Petenka, how did you guess?
- And in our entrance one aunt lives, who does not have all the houses, so she is twenty-four.
A blonde comes to a beauty salon and says:
- I want very smooth skin and big, shiny eyes. How much is it?
- 1500.
- What, dollars for the operation?
- No, rubles, for a gas mask.
An angry husband discovers a man in the marital bed.
- What are you doing here?
“You see,” the wife says to the man, “I told you he was a fool.”
Rain on the street. A completely dry man walks into the office.
- How did you not get wet?
- Ah... I'm careful, careful, between the drops...
From the testimony: “He called me a pig, but I thought and thought and didn’t understand why I was a pig. female and I am a man. Therefore, I was offended and hit citizen Nikolaev."
Do you have wrinkles, dry skin, crooked legs?
Calm down - a bottle of vodka, presented to your husband, will instantly return your former freshness and attractiveness.
A signalman enters the church and begins to pray:
- Lord, can you hear me? One...one...one...
The old gentleman is dying. His wife is sitting next to his bed.
He: Martha, I now remember all those years when we were together ...
Her: Yes, dear?
He: I remember the time when we first met. I had absolutely no money. One pound seemed to me then a fortune ... But you were next to me, Martha ... And when we got married, do you remember? - I invested all my hard-earned money in stocks, but they fell in price ... It was very hard times... Then you were there too ...
She (through tears): Yes, yes, dear!
He: And later, when the war started and I was taken to the army... You went to the front as a nurse, and when I was wounded, you were also there in the hospital... Do you remember the post-war crisis? When sometimes we had nothing to eat for days on end ... Then you were with me too ... And later, when I got pneumonia, you sat day and night by my bed ... like now ... Yes, now, when I'm dying, you're there too, Marta...
She (sobbing): Of course, dear!!!
He: Martha, you bring misfortune to me!
Hello, Petya! Come, there are such girls, bring vodka ...
- Hello! Vasya! Come, there is so much vodka - bring the girls!
A new breed of hunting bees has been bred. Huge like bears, mean like dogs.
- Do they bring honey?
- Of course, they take away from grandmothers in the market and bring them.
Girl, let's go for a walk in the park, shall we?
- And in this very park you will fuck me?
- Of course not! We are just walking with you.
“You know, I really don’t want to go for a walk…
There are two tomatoes in the refrigerator. One says to the other:
- Dzzzzz, how cold!
Second:
- Ahhh, the talking tomato!!
A little boy asks his dad "Why are the parrots green?"
- Because they get motion sickness on palm trees.
Zoo. The girl asks her mother:
- Mom, do you know why this goat is looking very sadly somewhere into the distance?
- Daughter, have you ever seen your folder cheerful? It's just their life...
When a person is bitten by a vampire, he turns into a vampire...
One gets the feeling that everyone around was bitten by rams !!!
Conversation between two friends:
- Damn, well, my neighbor is lucky! I have a husband and a lover. So she was raped yesterday in the stairwell...
Yesterday I gave my grandmother an energy drink to try.
- So what?
- So she went on foot for milk ... To Vologda!
The wife approaches her husband and begins to complain about the behavior of her son:
- Vasya, he became simply unbearable. Listens only to the advice of various idiots. You can talk to him, and suddenly he will listen to you.
Sunny, are you cooking something, or has our cat taken a shit somewhere again?
