Breaking up a relationship is almost never easy. The injured party thinks, "This can't be happening!"
The search for ways to fix everything, revive or fix the relationship begins. Many are looking for meetings with a partner, trying to discuss the chances of a reunion, appealing to past feelings and posting on social networks. We play for time, find out the relationship, but it only gets worse. The easiest way to cope with the pain is to reduce communication with the former partner to nothing.
We create an illusion former life but we don't live
This advice is difficult to follow. We invent new occasions for meetings - for example, we offer to return forgotten things, we call and we are interested in health former relatives and send our congratulations on the holidays. So we create the illusion of a former life, but we do not live.
The only good reason for continuing communication is common children. In the event of a divorce, we continue to share the care of their upbringing. We have to meet and talk on the phone. But even in this case, you should try to keep communication to a minimum and talk only about children.
Here are four reasons to cut off communication.
1. Keeping in touch with your ex will not heal you.
The end of a relationship is painful, but the pain cannot last forever. You will be sad, angry, offended that life is unfair. These feelings are natural and part of the recovery process, but gradually you will accept what has happened.
Those who cannot accept a breakup tend to blame themselves.
By continuing to communicate with your ex, you interfere with the recovery process, preferring a destructive strategy of denying the obvious. In order to open up to a new life and confidently plan for the future, it is necessary to fully accept the fact that the relationship has ended. By acknowledging the breakup, you will experience relief, and your life will become calmer.
2. You deprive yourself of energy
While you are directing energy towards communication with a partner, you do not have enough strength for joy, communication with children, hobbies and new relationships.
3. You live in a fictional world
Relationships are over. Everything you think about them is an illusion. Communication with a partner will never be the same, and the fact that you continue it suggests that you live in your own alternate reality where you are happy together. You strive for meetings, however, communicating in real world you feel frustrated. As long as you live in a fictional world, you deprive yourself of real life.
4. You make the same mistakes over and over again.
Those who cannot come to terms with a breakup tend to blame themselves. They do not believe that a breakup can be a chance for personal growth. They scold themselves, instead of leaving the relationship in the past and moving on, trying not to repeat the mistakes they made.
If you can't accept a breakup, your life turns into Groundhog Day. You wake up every day with the same fears, disappointments and accusations against you. You're stuck in a relationship that doesn't exist: you can't be with your ex, but you can't move either. Once you let go of past relationships, you will feel free and independent from the hurts and regrets of yesterday.
about the author
Jill Weber Clinical psychologist, author of Building Self-Esteem 5 Steps: How to Feel Good Enough.
Whether to continue communication with ex-husband or completely delete it from life - each woman must solve this issue on her own. First of all, it depends on what feelings this person evokes in her. They are very subjective, sometimes it is difficult to explain them to others, and is it really necessary? In the end, family matters are up to the husband and wife, even if they part.
However, one can trace several typical situations in which it is worth continuing to communicate with the ex-spouse or, on the contrary, not to do this in any case.
When to Continue Communication
The first and most compelling reason to continue communicating with an ex-husband is common children. For a child, both parents are valuable, he needs both dad and mom. And parents should equally educate him, bear responsibility for his life, health and development, regardless of whether they live together or apart.
Even if, after a divorce, it seems to the spouses that they have become completely strangers, they will have to jointly resolve issues related to the upbringing, education, and financial support of the child. And if they learn to do it calmly, in a businesslike manner, without quarrels and scandals, they will win, and, most importantly, their children.
It also happens that people break up, but continue to be friends. Yes, the family did not work out, and there can be any number of reasons for this. But the attitude towards each other of the former husband and wife remains generally positive. Why not continue communication, no longer as spouses, but as friends or good acquaintances? After all, the years spent together brought two people closer, why break this connection to the end?
When to stop talking
And yet, often, when divorced, spouses no longer want to have anything in common with each other. Most often this happens in the following three situations.
If a man left his family, and a woman continues to love him and suffers from this, then it is probably better not to torture yourself and stop communicating, at least for a while. You should not reopen a fresh wound and live with memories and regrets. The less in a new life a woman has reasons to remember the tragedy she has experienced, the easier it will be for her to regain her strength and live on.
If resentment is strong, anger at the ex-husband, communication should also be minimized, at least for that period until the passions subside. Perhaps, having calmed down, the spouses will be able to more constructively resolve property, financial and other issues related to divorce. Even if it's to be trial, it is better if it takes place in a calm business atmosphere.
And the most main reason terminate any relationship with an ex-husband - if he has done something that in the mind of a woman is not compatible with the image of a man. And let others believe that this act can be forgiven, the behavior of the spouse can be justified. If a woman cannot do this internally, further communication with her ex-husband becomes impossible and even dangerous for her. It can disturb her peace of mind, and in some cases can actually pose a threat to the life and well-being of her and her children.
Unfortunately, among people there is not only a bright attitude of love, but also not pleasant partings ... When man and woman become former… but what about communication between such people? Ex-boyfriend (husband) wants to communicate? What should a woman do in such a situation? Is it worth going to chatting with your ex? First of all, let's dot the "i"! Many of exes don't talk in general, even in a nightmare they don’t want to imagine this! Most often, this happens when a family or couple become former because of the betrayal of one of the partners.
But what to do when you broke up "in a good way"? Is it worth talking to an ex??
First of all, give yourself and him time. Time must pass to understand whether it is worth and whether it is necessary to communicate! Determine for yourself why you need this communication, if the ex wants to chat. If you want to chat with him just like that, not to count on anything and not give him a reason to count on him, then such communication can shine up to a rare correspondence in the social. networks. But if you meet for a cup of coffee every weekend or go to the movies… you need to understand that you yourself are counting on something and give hope to him. In this case, it is better to look forward rather than backward. ex and his desire to communicate.
Of course, this cannot be said about married couples where are the spouses became former but the “fruit” of their family was children, here ex man must communicate with the mother of their children. Even here, though, things are different.
You know the rule: in order to forget former relationship, you need to start new ... As soon as you have a real one, loving man most likely you will not ex men. If you are in a relationship now and will chat with an ex. Then your current partner will not like it terribly. He will be jealous of you and even sometimes think about your (even a small) betrayal.
Despite everything written above, there are pleasant occasions in life when people tried to live apart and build relationships and realized that with the former was much better. If you decide that it is worth trying and returning everything to the past, then in such cases, communication and meetings with the former will be very helpful! It is important that this is decided not only by you, but also by your ex with whom you want to communicate.
We wish you to love real, close and native men.
Regards First Impression Team!
Hand in hand all my life, very hard at once. Many people are not stable in relationships, some at some point decide to leave, someone breaks up mutually, which is much better, since there is no way to maintain relationships, and someone breaks off relationships. When this happens, after some time a difficult question arises: whether to communicate with someone with whom you were together yesterday. And if you should do it, then do it in a way that makes you feel comfortable.
Do you hang out with your ex?
After parting, it doesn’t matter for what reason: treason, characters didn’t agree, feelings faded, they didn’t fit each other; - do not rush to pretend that everything is fine, you forgot about everything and communication with the former does not cause any emotions. All living people experience feelings, and depending on the situation, they are positive or negative. In this case, they are negative, since there is nothing pleasant when people part, especially since this is necessarily preceded by the presence of problems that have accumulated so much that there is no other way out but to disperse. And love, most likely, has disappeared, if at all.
It is impossible to prepare for parting in advance, so that it is easier to survive and continue to live, as if nothing had happened further. Any changes cause a feeling of anxiety and fear, you need to get used to them, realize and accept. What can we say, when it is associated with a sharp change in lifestyle, the collapse of expectations and plans.
It is unpleasant, painful and insulting that I made a mistake, hurried up, missed it, and now it’s like I was at broken trough, even if this is not true, but such feelings will still be. And they should not be underestimated and try to hide deep inside. You need to go through them, deal with them and decide what to do with it all: restore peace of mind or do ordinary things, because for you it is the best option deal with life changes.
When you begin to worry about the question of how to communicate with the former, and whether it is worth it, think about this: no one is safe from parting, it does not go away painlessly, even if it was your decision. All the same, you will worry, considering yourself guilty of something before him, before yourself. And it is important to deal with this feeling of guilt before returning to ordinary life, otherwise it will define all your further actions, which does not bode well, this is not the best adviser in making any decisions.
It is very difficult to calm down and stop experiencing some feelings towards someone with whom you were close. Especially considering why you broke up. And before you think about whether it is worth communicating with the former, go through this difficult moment in your life yourself. Do not dwell on resentment, do not cherish it, do not use it as a way to protect or manipulate. Live, talk, accept that it happened and let it go. Do not allow yourself to think that something else can be returned if you do not really want it, otherwise you can give hope to the one you decided to break up with, or you yourself will begin to do everything to be with him.
Therefore, it is unlikely that at such a moment communication will bring pleasure. Better understand yourself, your feelings and thoughts, calm down, find a foothold and build new plans and goals.
Understand for yourself what is really decision final and not subject to appeal, go about your business. Communicate with him or not, what's the difference. It is important for you to take care of yourself, your plans, take care of your health, soul, mood, dreams, desires and hopes. And leave everything else in the past. The past is the past. What is the point of dragging it with you into the future, if it complicates it, and does not improve it, and even spoils the present.
Photo: how to communicate with ex-boyfriend
How to communicate with an ex man
- When you feel that the memories of what happened do not cause you unpleasant emotions, only then will you be able to calmly communicate with ex-man if that makes any sense. Otherwise, attempts to be an adult, to demonstrate to everyone self-confidence and equanimity, which is not yet there, will only lead to new experiences, pain, and a decrease in self-esteem. It's like reopening a wound that has just healed.
- You may not communicate with him at all, especially if there are no common topics for conversation, you don’t have to meet among mutual friends, at work, in the same places. Why test yourself for strength, risk your peace of mind and inner harmony. Sometimes a person himself does not know how he is able to react to someone to whom he once felt strong feelings, especially if they broke up on his initiative, or he cheated, offended, humiliated and did not live up to expectations, although he promised "mountains of gold".
- If you have to see him regardless of your desire, think about who you are ready to communicate with him: as friends, good acquaintances, colleagues. It’s great if there are no claims to each other, hidden claims, grievances, complaints, no desire to sort things out, take revenge, hurt, then you can easily communicate with him as with a good friend. It would be the best option.
- Meetings cannot be avoided, try not to give vent to emotions, concentrate on your thoughts, not on feelings. I really want to hurt him, hurt him good mood, indifference to his person. Be extremely polite, especially if he did nothing wrong to you.
- You don’t want to keep up a conversation for a long time, it’s hard, unpleasant, you’re afraid that you won’t be able to keep within the bounds of decency, refer to business, employment. After all, what do you need to talk about for a long time when nothing binds you anymore. And what difference does it make what he thinks of you. Your task is to think about yourself and your health, and not about his well-being. Gone, so gone. In this way, you will establish a distance that will allow you to survive the breakup and restore peace of mind.
- You don’t want to communicate, but the man continues to call, meet, ask how he can help, tell him that nothing is needed and it’s time to stop all this. Don't give him hope. You are able to do this unconsciously, trying to soften your words, communicating as very Good friends. Instead, be extremely collected and even indifferent, then he will understand that everything is over between you. Sometimes it’s enough to accept yourself as a fait accompli that you broke up with him, and he himself will disappear from your life.
- No need to feel sorry for him, understand that you obviously broke up for a reason. Both you and he deserve to love and be loved, and therefore it’s time to let him go yourself, otherwise you will still experience a subconscious hope that everything will work out for you, and he, feeling this, will continue to call and try to meet and chat. So take care of yourself first. He will understand this and disappear. Someone who is confident in himself always knows what he is experiencing, he believes in his feelings and focuses on them. Therefore, he knows when it is time to put an end to whether to communicate with an ex-man or not.
- If you broke up on his initiative, do not try to use the slightest pretext to talk with him, secretly hoping for a resumption of relations. It is unlikely that he will like that you forgot why you broke up and behave as if nothing happened. Still, if you believe that all is not lost, analyze what led to this. Do not close your eyes to the fact that it takes a long time to break. It doesn't happen right away. Many things contribute to this hurtful words, quarrels, disputes, actions.
- You can understand what disappointed him in you to such an extent that he decided to break it off - fine. Say that you have understood everything and take it into account - excellent. He will hear. And then it's up to him to decide how to proceed. Trying to convince him that you understood everything and will not do it again, thereby only aggravate his rejection with your frivolity and unwillingness to take what happened seriously. If he wants to try again, he will find the time and call, then decide whether you need it and whether you are ready for change. And you have to change, because it was no longer possible.
Photo: how to communicate with an ex-boyfriend
Even after parting by mutual agreement, it can be difficult for people to find mutual language together. What can we say, when the gap was painful and left behind scars. Therefore, if you can’t find the strength in yourself to communicate kindly and neutrally with your ex, you don’t need to torture yourself and pretend that everything is fine. You have the right not to communicate with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable. And it does not matter who and what will say about it, what will be his reaction. Think about yourself, this is your life, and if you try to please everyone, it's easy to live someone else's life, realizing at one point that your own has passed by, and you never lived the way you wanted.
Life is unpredictable. Have you seen The Marrying Habit with Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin? Here are the twists of fate, the boiling of passions! A life partner can become an ex overnight. And the former man again firmly enter life. A woman should always remember this phenomenon, and even with the most ugly parting (treason, betrayal, seizure of money, division of joint property and children), remain a prudent person! How to deal with an ex after a breakup?
No one even doubts that a completely pretty, modern and self-sufficient girl (like you!), Always has in stock not one or two, but a whole arsenal of "former". Some can be fans, admirers with school bench, others are arrogant popular handsome men who broke your naive heart while studying at the university, and even those whom you dared to marry in spite of the whole world in order to. And all these exes were, in their own way, significant in your life. What to do, how to communicate with the former (or former)?
For starters, there is no need to unconditionally reject these "former" ones. Who knows how circumstances will turn - especially if you yourself gave a reason for parting! Influenced strong emotions or in a period of temporary indifference anything can happen! Sometimes couples get back together, no matter what! Many years may pass, several partners may change, but in the end you will still be with him.
When loving people lose their passion this indicates an unwillingness to work on relationships. But this is fixable with mutual desire. But respect for each other should be tried to be maintained under any circumstances, otherwise no communication after parting should be started at all.
How to communicate with the former? Depends on the relationship before the breakup
There is no single answer to this question, because everyone has their own history of relationships. What is the reason for the breakup? Who initiated the breakup? How long were you together? Who loved, and who allowed himself to be loved? Has the passion gone? Do you want to return the relationship or forget it forever?
First of all, answer honestly to these questions, because the main thing depends on your feelings: is it worth spending your time talking with exes, is this really necessary for you? To understand how to communicate with an ex, we will analyze several situations.
3 questions immediately after a breakup:
- Whether to immediately inform your parents (your own and his) that you broke up, or hush up questions for now; all of a sudden it's just a banal quarrel, and you get back together in a couple of days?
- Do you tell your friends and that you parted immediately, day after day; what if it's just an emotional quarrel, and then you yourself will regret this excessive talkativeness?
- Whether to remove from social networks your joint photos, whether to change your status from "almost married" to "actively searching"?
Advice:As experience shows, there is no need to hurry in these delicate issues. You need to come to your senses and take a break. Even if emotions overwhelm. First, you must sort out your feelings for the person who betrayed you. What do you feel for him, already the former?
Love, hate or indifference?
Surely after the breakup of a relationship, you have one of these feelings. Or maybe all at once. And you wonder if you want to return the relationship, avenge all the insults, or erase all contacts and forget everything about the relationship with this person.
The last option - indifference is usually present if you already had an “alternate airfield” in the form of another man before the final parting. You just don't care about your ex, you don't care about his feelings. Or this man is so disgusted that parting with him is a long-awaited event for you! By the way, when feelings for a partner cool, sometimes women deliberately provoke a breakup.
What your emotions depend on when parting is how the relationship with the former will develop.
If a man left you, should you communicate with him and how? Stages
The first stage is emotional.
If, fortunately, you are with this monster did not acquire joint children who could suffer when their parents parted, then everything is much simpler. It's time for you to start your new life. Even if you have been married for 10 years and then broke up, this is not a reason to give up on yourself. At first, you will feel rage, hatred, and a desire to castrate the man you have wasted so many years of your life on.
These are the first, natural emotions. You will feel ugly, undesirable, useless person. A successfully flushed ex during this period may sometimes call, be interested in a caring tone about your well-being and mood. Well, how can a woman, crushed and trampled, communicate with him? At this moment, you are ready for all his conditions in order to return at least yours.
Attention!Don't meet the ex who dumped you at the first call. Although he is drawn to him, because he is still for you native person. But you are already a stranger to him. Keep this in mind when trying to find a reason to meet or call.
The second stage is the gradual withdrawal.
First time after breakup- the most painful, you just need to survive it. Time really heals! After crying out tears, it's time to take care of yourself, if only out of a desire for revenge. Even though it's hard try to call and not look for meetings with the former. You must learn to live without it and.
Host a bachelorette party with the boys! Surely those who did not even dare to call for communication before will be active! Change your hairstyle, hair color and buy yourself something new, bright and fashionable, from clothes. Sign up for Gym and train as intensely as possible, vent resentment, anger and despair in the gym or pool.
And be prepared for a chance meeting with a former man in a company fully armed! The more chic you look, the better for you. Do not explain long and tediously why you were abandoned, just say - "we broke up." Most likely, friends will be divided in opinion, someone will be on the side of the former, even if he left you. Get ready to find out who really treated you sincerely while you were a couple.
Attention!Do not speak badly or disrespectfully about the former in the company of your joint friends. When meeting, be cold - polite. Do not meddle with questions and memories. It is enough to exchange "on duty" phrases of a general nature.
The third stage is not to communicate with the former.
Should you be friends with an ex? Definitely not. Even if you wholeheartedly want to see each other more often, communicate, correspond in social networks, don't do it! You will only get sicker. If you are abandoned, it is the former who should be the initiator of friendly communication. Most likely, this will happen in time, unless, of course, after parting, you do not pour mud on it at every corner and endure your intimate details into the world.
A smart man will appreciate your behavior. Perhaps you, having gone through separation, having tried yourself in other relationships, come to the conclusion that this is for the best that you broke up. Meet your true soul mate, feel love and romance again in a relationship with another man.
Attention!Do not strive if he abandoned you. With friendly communication, he will bind you morally, you will have hope for reunion, and you need to move on in life, in your own direction. Don't waste time befriending your ex, start looking for another partner.
Optimistic conclusions:
Breaking up with a partner doesn't always mean something bad. Life does not end, and this is the main thing. After a while, when the emotions subside, you will be able to communicate with the former more calmly and balanced. With a mutual desire, of course. Treat your ex like a distant relative - well, he is somewhere, exists, but you don’t really care.
In general, the best option is to actively build relationships with another man. Because by the time the ex realizes with horror what a mistake he made by losing you and wants to return back, you will no longer care about him, sex and everything connected with it.
And remember that a woman, having gone through parting, tears and bitterness of loss, always ends up getting prettier, thinner and flourishes for her next man, who will definitely appear in life!
