This is a signal that adults have let the process take its course. Violence at school has reached horrific proportions - what should parents do if their child is called names? Thoughtfully help him find his place in the circle of other children. But as?
Before puberty (about 16 years old), children develop, their properties are only being developed. They try to use them, but it doesn't work out very well at first. The children's team is wild animals, ready to gnaw each other in order to save themselves.
"Not wild" they are called upon to make adults. Without us, they can only organize themselves on the principle of a primitive pack, uniting against the victim. It's our job to show them how successful relationships are built between people. What are we showing?
- You must be able to give change! Hit in the nose, so immediately the enemy will lose control of the situation! Call back, find the most obvious flaw of the offender, so that classmates pick up and switch their attention from you to the fat bespectacled man!
We teach children to defend themselves by attack from the “wolf” environment, and then we complain that insensitive egoists have grown up.
Mom, why do they call me names at school? Causes of the problem
In the children's team, no one wants to stand out. How weaker animals hide from predators, merging in color with environment, and the child strives to be invisible. Stand out - "ate". The child is called names because he is different.
If a child is bullied at school, the reason may be:
- gentle boy
All normal boys run, fight, push. Only one - "squishy" with big eyes - can't even raise his hand to a bug. A sensitive, tearful boy with a skin-visual bundle of vectors often becomes a victim of name-calling at school.
- White crow
A child with a sound vector is quiet, he rarely accumulates the hostility of the children's team, but can become a victim of an oral clown.
- Face control
External differences from the average child: fullness, thinness, height, health problems. Because of non-standard appearance classmates mercilessly call the child fat, bespectacled, tall. Sometimes the teacher himself does not call names directly, but with a caustic comment like: “Forgot your head at home ?!” - hangs the stigma of "stupid" on the child. Children immediately pick up such a message.
On the other hand, if the child fits into the team and he has sufficient emotional connection with others, then it is good for him, if there is no contact, he suffers. That is child they will not call names and offend, despite his external or internal differences from other children, if psychologically he is part of the team.
So how to make the child the right link in the chain of children's interaction and prepare for further successful socialization?
The child is called names at school - what to do?
What can a mother do when a child is called names and tortured at school?
1. Provide the child with a sense of safety and security
The child is born helpless, the mother is the guarantor of survival for him. Life resources from mom are not limited to feeding. Psychological condition The child is almost 100% dependent on the mother.
Before puberty, the mother is the soil in which the flower of the child grows. What she feeds him - that's when the flower grows, that's how she feels herself in the garden of other people. Mom is anxious, depressed - this is transmitted to the child and leads to the loss of a sense of security, negatively affecting his behavior and ability to adapt during external environment. This makes the child a weak link and is instantly recognized in the team.
If a child receives from his mother a basic sense of his need, importance, security, external winds and weeds will be nothing to him.
This means that when the state of the mother comes into balance, the state, behavior of the child, and the attitude of those around him change.
“It is very difficult to notice changes in yourself sometimes. But children are our mirrors. And I have a very strong bond with my daughter. I was worried about this, I really wanted her to grow up not as notorious as me. And what I just didn’t do (visits to a psychologist, books, etc., etc.), but my daughter “removed” everything from me.
And then, during my training, I began to notice changes in my daughter, she seemed to have matured (mentally), relations with classmates improved, she is no longer an outcast in the class, whom everyone calls names. Naturally, she began to go to school with great pleasure and open up.) And then I realized that I was no longer the same as I was a couple of months ago! And I feel like this is just the beginning!
Galina D., educational psychologist
It is necessary to talk with a child not only about lessons and dinners, but also about his feelings, thoughts, dreams, doubts, questions, aspirations.
The first piece of advice to mom, if a child is called names at school, is to talk to him, or rather, listen. Slowly, without being distracted by the phone, work, girlfriends, soup. Let your child feel that he is your everything.
Has the child already closed in a protective shell from you? Try to gradually open up to him yourself. He instantly recognizes fake tinsel and moves away even more. Share with him your real feelings and experiences, memories of school and classmates. This will gradually restore your emotional connection. Try to keep your composure.
By trusting the mother, the child learns to trust the world. And he enters society with an unconscious attitude not to defend himself, but to interact.
2. Develop a child according to his natural properties
A cactus is good in the desert, and an orchid is good in tropical rainforests. So each child needs his own conditions for development, depending on his vector set, that is, the characteristics of the psyche. These conditions are created or not created by the parents at home. If he himself feels uncomfortable and insecure, then he may well find himself in the situation of a victim who is called names at school.
So, to educate a brutal beast out of a skin-visual boy, to teach him to stand up for himself with his fist, means dooming him to an unhappy life. In such a boy, first of all, you need to develop sensuality:
- allow crying;
- develop compassion for others: first through reading correct fairy tales, then - real deeds; (For example, Aleksey Kortnev, while helping abandoned children, also teaches his children to volunteer. Children grow up with the understanding that someone needs their empathy and help.)
- teach to play the guitar and sing - this skill will help the visual-skin child reduce dislike for himself and take his natural niche in the team; ( Little Dima Bilan with early childhood earned respect for himself by giving all his best at school concerts, but he could become a whipping boy if there were no wise mother and teachers nearby.)
- theater Club will help to show sensuality, remaining a boy, a little man, and not a "crybaby, like a girl."
Useful tips on raising children can be found in the article - Our children and their future: how to raise a happy man .
3. Help your child socialize
When a child develops according to his natural properties, he experiences inner comfort and is much easier to integrate into the children's team, such a child will no longer be bullied at school. Understanding the characteristics and aspirations of your child, you will be able to direct him into activities where he can feel in his place and be accepted. This may be a school theater group or participation in olympiads, the creation of a wall newspaper, a report or a speech. Help him get involved in the life of the school, give him the opportunity to realize himself, if not in the classroom, then in another school team, and he will feel more confident, and the attitude of other children towards him will change for the better.
How can you help your child be needed?
To teach a child with irritation to fence himself off from all “enemies” or to stimulate him to solve the problem together? Doom your son and daughter to unfortunate loneliness since childhood, or push them to look for ways out in interaction? The trajectory of development is set by the parents.
Sometimes adults themselves first need to work on their ability to build connections with other people. Many children's problems disappear when parents are trained in systems-vector psychology Yuri Burlan.
Have a contact
Getting a sense of security and security and the right guidelines at home, the baby enters the team not as a ball of tension, but as a person interested in other people. Such an inner core gives the child the strength to realize his innate properties, to interact. This fits the growing person into the team most naturally.
Each person may face an inadequate reaction from the surrounding society regarding his personality. Often this manifests itself in the form of insults, which may or may not be justified. Insults according to psychological theory, may have the most different nature. In some cases, this may be related to appearance, and in some cases, it may be related to human actions. In any case, no one has the right to insult someone. But this phenomenon is still active in modern society from which its members suffer. Psychological practice often encounters such cases. The task of the suffering party in such a situation is to learn how to work with it if you are called names.
What to do if you are called names?
The solution to a problem always rests on the reasons that shaped the situation. Or have influenced its formation. If you are called names at school or in the yard during adolescence, then this is one problem. And if insults affect a person already in adulthood, then the solutions to this problem will have a completely different character. It is also worth separately considering insults on the Internet and insults in real life.
If you are abused as a teenager
Many children and adolescents often experience abuse and humiliation in school years from peers. Sometimes these insults are justified, since the child is not like everyone else. And sometimes they just pick on him for no reason. First of all, parents should be puzzled by this problem. And also it is possible and it is necessary to address to the children's psychologist. If a child or teenager has significant differences from the rest, then it makes sense to make him look like a team and eliminate the differences.
Insults at school may be about appearance or academic performance. Often those who do not study well or look bad are not liked in the team. Not all children know how to react when called names. Some psychologists advise ignoring this situation and not paying attention to insults. But this is not the way out. Since insults and negative attitudes cause negative emotions, which accumulate inside and have an extremely bad effect on the psyche. in the nursery and adolescence formation of psychological health takes place, from which adulthood depends on the success and self-esteem of a person. In order not to spoil a person later life You need to learn how to properly respond to insults at a young age. Therefore, it makes sense not to pay attention to the people from whom negative comments come from you, but to start working on yourself. If the insults are unreasonable or very evil, then it makes sense to change the team, that is, the school. You can also get new team by signing up for extra classes.
Why are adults called names?
If children call names because they do not understand what is happening and it is difficult for them to put up with reality, then in adults everything happens the other way around. Firstly, this is humor, simply in this way a person wants to cheer himself up and everyone around him, including you. If you are still not pleased to hear names addressed to you, then start calling names in response, but not seriously, but with a share of humor. Using this method will allow you to become more or less tolerant of this kind of statements. As for the second case, name-calling and insults occur, purely because of personal hostility. In this case, you do not need to be nice to the provocateur, tell him everything you think about him in response. Subsequently, it is recommended to minimize communication with such a person, since it is simply inappropriate to spend one's own strength to please him.
Good afternoon, moms and dads of schoolchildren. Many parents find themselves in a similar situation: the child is called names at school and teased. Most often, an offensive nickname is formed from the name, surname, appearance or behavior of the baby.
School "nicknames" formed from first and last names, as a rule, do not offend children, because at school all boys named Sergei are called Gray, and the girl Angela is almost always teased by Marquise.
The reason for a serious offense, the psychologist believes, often becomes a nickname formed on the basis of physical features child (physique, facial expressions, health) and elements of clothing.
By the way, if no one else is teased like that, this only increases the chagrin of the little one.
The child is called names at school - how to help?
Regardless of how exactly the child is called names at school, according to the psychologist, the parents are always to blame. After all, offensive nicknames do not arise out of nothing. For example, if the baby is obese, adults are obliged to help him lose weight. excess weight, and if a small schoolchild has other physiological features, find an opportunity to make them less noticeable.
Many parents believe that they have fulfilled their task by advising the baby not to turn to offenders, and with a clear conscience they return to their business. But few adults take into account that only a self-confident person who has true school friends and does not suffer from low self-esteem can take advantage of such advice. little man.
If the child is not active enough and is not quite psychologically stable, he is unlikely to be able to resist the offenders alone. For such children, advice like: “Pay no attention” is useless - the more defiantly they ignore the offenders, the more intensely they will be teased.
According to a child psychologist, the first thing parents must do is to start working on improving their child's self-esteem.
By the way, many inexperienced mothers and fathers, instead of supporting the baby, develop a stronger complex in him. In fact, the psychologist believes, not so much is required of parents: to find as many reasons as possible to once again praise the offspring and help the baby love himself for who he is.
For example, if a child is called “bespectacled” at school, you should explain to him that glasses are an indicator of education, tell him that Bill Gates himself was called “bespectacled”, but this did not prevent him from becoming the most successful person on the planet.
The kid must understand what to avoid offensive nicknames in childhood, very few succeeded and you need to react to them calmly ...
If a child is teased for having red hair, he should be convinced that his hair is golden, and if he has an ugly nose, he should be aware of the existence of great people who have the same feature and be proud of this resemblance ...
As for offenders: children should fight back even in kindergarten. The psychologist advises parents to learn rhyming phrases with the baby, which he can recite in response to the offender.
For example, the most primitive of them: "Whoever calls names, he himself is called that." In this case, it is necessary to take into account: the child must be able to answer confidently and with dignity.
Children's complexes often become the cause of isolation, almost always ends in a decrease in academic performance and hatred for parents who do not understand the seriousness of childish problems. Therefore, the psychologist points out, one should not disregard the complaints of a small schoolboy.
After asking him about how other children are teased, parents can tell their son or daughter about how they themselves were teased at school, and most importantly, about how they coped with the situation.
In many schools, the bully loser becomes the leader, whom all other children try to imitate. Those kids who do not want to "roll downhill" come up with offensive nicknames in order to force them to obey the leader.
It often comes to fights, in which any child is at risk of serious injury, and the passivity of parents can negatively affect not only the psychological, but also the physical condition of the children.
But before intervening in a situation where a child is called names at school, the psychologist believes, it is necessary to talk with teachers, and then, if the teachers are not able to, call the parents of the bully himself to talk.
In the event that the child being humiliated is too modest, studies well and stands out among classmates with exemplary behavior, the best thing parents can do is to consider transferring the child to another school.
Only by being in an environment where everyone is the same as him, their heir will gain balance of character and self-confidence.
There are cases when children with ridiculous behavior were transferred to another school and there they began to be teased by new classmates.
In such cases, when a child is called names at school and offended by this, the psychologist is sure, the reason is in the gaps in education, that is, you need to ask again from parents who have not taught their child to communicate with other children.
Support your student, instill self-confidence in him every day.
Good luck to you!
Any child can be teased and called names in kindergarten or school. Reasons for such aggressive behavior classmates are very different: they do not like height, some habits, character traits, appearance flaws, and so on.
But in any case, name-calling deeply injures the child's psyche, leads to uncertainty in own forces, isolation and even disgust for children's team. Children are very vulnerable - it is difficult for them to be "individual farmers", to have own opinion be able to defend their interests in any situation and under any circumstances. Let's take a closer look at what parents should do and how a child should behave, if for some reason they started calling him names and teasing at school, and how to help him overcome a stressful situation.
Parents should provide all possible support in such unpleasant situation so that it does not affect performance and state of mind son or daughter.
What Not to Do
Psychologists advise not to interfere openly in school conflicts. After all, such an intervention will only increase the negative. Classmates who have suffered from ridicule will be considered a person who is not able to stand up for himself and is completely dependent on the will of his parents. His authority will fall even more!
This situation is fraught with complete isolation in the circle of peers. And the offended student will make the wrong conclusion and lose faith both in himself and in his parents - they did not help when he asked for help, and only worsened his situation.
How to help
Most parents advise openly asking the offenders what the matter is. This usually ends in a fight or a noisy showdown in class. Unfortunately, the one who is right does not always win. But the very fact of participating in a fight sometimes puts the child in a winning position. They begin to look at him from a different angle, as a person who is not afraid to defend himself.
It is not worth it to abuse such tactics of pressure! Because such conflict resolution teaches children that everything in life can be achieved with shouts and fists. A well-bred member of society will not grow out of such an aggressive baby.
At home, they should talk with the offended little man in a friendly atmosphere and explain that the point is not in himself, but in the shortcomings of other children. It is they who should be unhappy, because they acted wrongly and stupidly. And the most effective way to show that you are happy and satisfied with everything, this is to ignore the offenders and ignore their behavior and words in every possible way.
This method works better than others! But it is quite difficult to convince them to behave in this way. Similar stories from the life of parents would be appropriate here, famous people or stars.
The main thing is that the offended student can demonstrate that he is a self-confident person on his own, without the help of adults (parents or teachers):
- do not respond to insults;
- laugh at your shortcomings along with everyone;
- to pretend that he did not hear individual words, and they did not cause him any discomfort.
Transfer to another school
Transfer question educational institution decided taking into account specific situation and the wishes of the child. But in any case, the conflict must end here and now - the child is simply obliged to get out of an unpleasant situation.
If he does not overpower himself, the position of the victim will form, and then another trouble is already in new school can't be avoided.
Humiliation and "flight from the battlefield" is never good! If you do not try to stand up for yourself, uncertainty will again lead to another insult and a desire to hide from them behind the back of a teacher, mom or dad.
Before a son or daughter goes to another school, it is necessary to analyze the current situation again and find out its causes. This will allow in the future to "bypass sharp corners". Often, changing behavior and not repeating previous mistakes helps.
Of course, people don't change in a few days. This is a difficult daily work on oneself, on relationships with other people. But this tactic always leads to desired result. All "quiet" and "crybaby" should know about it.
Parents are obliged to explain to their children that everything in life depends only on them, including relationships with classmates. People are not robots, it is difficult for them to change. Even an adult has difficulty giving up old habits. But consistency and the desire to smooth out the conflict are sure to be crowned with success.
Therefore, the main “weapon” of a self-confident and benevolent person is:
- and self-criticism;
- the ability to understand the shortcomings and weaknesses of other people;
- in any situation;
- attentive attitude to one's own behavior and analysis of mistakes.
And withdrawal into oneself, insecurity, fear and tearfulness have not yet helped anyone to become a sociable and respected person.
Many people know firsthand how difficult it is to deal with resentment caused by the fact that someone behaves inappropriately, says rude words or mocking physical handicaps or mistakes made. This problem, unfortunately, is not uncommon even in an adult team, not to mention the fact that children face it literally at every turn. The one who calls another feels pleasure from the fact that someone is humiliated nearby and wipes away tears, and if it is you who acts as the offended, our tips will help you figure out how to behave in such situations and avoid repeated humiliation.
Incorrect reaction to insults
As a rule, the most difficult thing to adequately respond to hurtful words children. Students are very sensitive. However, many adults, finding themselves in a similar situation, react as follows:
- protect themselves with force (this applies more to representatives male half humanity);
- insult in response;
- withdraw into themselves and react sharply to a problem that often causes suicide;
- make every effort to change the team.
Even a change of team, which is often much more difficult for adults than for a child who is simply transferred to another school, often does not give the expected results. Therefore, in order to solve the problem, it is better to seek help from a psychologist who will give recommendations and advise on how to behave.
An experienced psychologist will help you to understand the problem in detail much faster, and the first thing he will do is to establish real reason why a person who calls someone else allows himself such behavior. According to psychologists, often real reason being called names is deep inside you. It only at first glance seems that the one who hurts you is mocking your appearance or mental faculties. In fact, the problem of someone who has taken on the role of a victim is that the person:
- responds to ridicule and criticism;
- crying;
- upset;
- threatens and insults in return.
Any attempt to stop bullying leads to the fact that the one who hurts you takes even more pleasure in watching your reaction. Indeed, for the offender, it is not so much the process that is important as the result achieved, and recognizing the victim even in a huge crowd can be quite simple.
What do you do to avoid being teased?
The best thing a person can do to avoid being teased is not to respond to the insult and change their attitude towards the situation. You should not give a reason to the offenders so that they expose you to ridicule. By changing your attitude to insults, you can stop any attacks in your direction.
Learn to ignore any comments and ridicule, stop complaining about offenders to colleagues or friends. Of course, it is very unpleasant when people call you fat, but maybe you should take care of yourself and lose a couple of kilograms? And if it’s easier for you to make excuses or demand an apology from offenders, you will have to be patient and wait for your offenders to transfer their ridicule to another object. Considering that this time may never come, try to convince them that their words will not cause you anger or resentment, and any interest in continuing ridicule will disappear after a period of time. Stay calm, and a person who cannot piss you off by trying in every way to do it will lose all interest in your person within a few days.
