This article is about teenage daughters., because the topic of mother-daughter relations is so great that it will take not one article, but a library to reveal it. But teenage hatred is strong and hurts the mother so much that today we will talk about young teenage daughters.I will not cite here the letters of mothers who were subjected to the hatred of their child: believe me, they are all similar and the words “creature”, “bastard” and “prostitute” in them are not the worst. Rather, at first glance, the letters are different, but there are only names and financial situation, in the main, the situation repeats itself with a sad pattern: the daughter hates the mother, and the mother does not understand why and does not know what to do with it.
It is difficult to advise anything here, because you need to deal with each specific case, but still there are general patterns that you need to know. Only one condition: read and think about what you read, because in human relations you cannot work with an ax, here you need to be able to see yourself from the outside and rethink many of the usual dogmas. So let's take typical situation: the mother does not understand why she is doing this and what she did wrong. But the daughter’s picture is completely different: she has a whole chest of claims ready for a long time, she knows very well what her mother is to blame for, openly and deliberately declares that she hates her, and she can talk about the reasons for such an attitude as much as she wants, because these reasons are always a lot of.
If a mother raised her daughter alone, it is all the more insulting for her to hear the reproaches of her 15-year-old beauty, who will remind her that she had no videos, no set-top box, no decent phone, no laptop, no expensive beautiful clothes. And in what her mother bought her, it was a shame to appear in front of her friends, and she generally turned off the shameful cheap phone and hid it in her bag so that no one would see it. Do you think this is the reason for the hatred? How naive you are! What are you, this is only a small part.So, you did not buy her beautiful things, she was constantly ashamed in front of her peers. But where were you all the time she was growing up? Like where, at work, of course - they earned this cheapest phone. Where was the girl while you were away? IN kindergarten, then at school, and so that the child does not hang out on the street, her grandmother looked after her. This child is your everything. In addition, as a child, she was sick and you have not forgotten how you spent whole nights sitting by her bed. And you didn’t have a personal life either, because all your thoughts were directed to how the child was doing, what she was doing. You hurried home, and in the evening you cooked dinner and did homework with her, and not lay on the couch at the spa. Of course, if there was a man who, with a slight movement of his hand, would eliminate all your material problems Yes, and I would love you madly, and I would also accept your daughter as my own ... You would, of course. they didn’t refuse ... But for some reason there weren’t any. I would tell you why, but we have a different topic today.
So let's sum up the debit credit: you didn't buy her what she wanted, showed up at home late, talked mostly about lessons, and were always alone. The latter is especially important: it means that you were not quoted in the love market. Even when they were younger. What can we talk about now ... And don't let the word jar you« market» if you think it doesn't exist while young beautiful women have the same demand as the old and sick, I feel sorry for you.And if you were not alone and had a stormy personal life, you will still be to blame. This means that men are dearer to you own daughter. Now about the grandmother, it was her turn. What did the grandmother say to the child when she was little? Did your authority support or did it all come down to “mom has her own affairs, but I really love you, my sun”? If so, then everything becomes clear. The version of “mom doesn’t need me” is tightly embedded in her mind. Your teenage daughter does not yet know what a earned ruble is, but he knows well when these rubles are not enough. By the way, in rich families there are no less insults. She does not remember how you sat at night near her bed, but she remembers perfectly how you constantly pestered with lessons.
You, who do not have a crowd of fans, do not have the right to climb into her personal life and ask where she is going and with whom. This is what she thinks. Do you think that all these boys will not lead to good and it is too early for her to think about it. Plus you don't like boys, you are afraid and do not trust them, motivating this by the fact that "they all need only one thing." And your daughter just likes boys very much, that is. and you don't understand it. Besides, in age three years, any child goes through the stage of separation i.e. separation from mother. This refers to moral and psychological independence, hence, by the way, frequent conflicts at the age of three. Rather, every child must go through this stage., but not everyone succeeds. If you took care of your daughter very much, without noticing it yourself, constantly gave her hyper-custody along with love, then the stage passed along with age, and the child never learned to project life events onto himself and be responsible for his actions. For what? If there is a mother who will always come running and decide and do everything, why should she think herself?And to blame everything on the mother is a consequence of all of the above. Yes, and you, I think, hand on heart, have resentment against your mother.
You see, your child simply does not know how to appreciate what he has. How many adults do you know who can do this? There are only a few such people, you yourself know this very well. If your daughter had no mother at all, was brought up in an orphanage, and then found a mother, she would appreciate you. Orphanage children are often ready to forgive even the fact that they were cruelly abandoned, if only there was a mother. Your not knowing life, a young rude woman, hung all the sins on you and accused you of everything you can. And now you don't want to come home. Would you be happy to talk to her, but she doesn’t need it, she doesn’t make contact and the relationship is chronically alienated.
Leave her alone. Do not try to talk heart to heart if she does not need it. She did not go through a period of independence of three years, but she is going through it now. Do something for her only if she herself asks: no one needs your generous helpfulness. Stop sorting things out in general, and, most importantly, stop making excuses. Tell her that she is right in many ways, but you are not, and openly offer to stop this conversation, which brings nothing but tears and resentment.. Stop suggesting to her that you are her one and the greatest value in her life is you.Now she has very different values. Tell yourself that life goes on and in this life you are no longer needed by her as before, no matter how much you would like it. You live together, but as if apart, and this hurts you. How are you going to live when she gets married? Or do you not want to let her go? I know such cases, they all end very sadly. Peace to you, love and good relations with daughter!
Did the young mother, who spent days and nights fiddling with an affectionate, charming angel, think that in N-number of years she would hear such words ... I hate you! Biting, cruel... Yes, and a look to match... A look that leaves no doubt that it's true.
What happened? Why did what grew out of unconditional tender childish love grow? Are we, as parents, to blame? And is this really what anyone is afraid to hear loving person from your loved one?
Let's try to figure it out...
If the words "I hate you!" flew to you from a preschooler, then this, of course, but you can still control the situation. Because such phrases are evidence of a small vocabulary your child. The child is not yet able to build a complex linguistic construct with an explanation of the reasons for his extreme displeasure and show you how upset he is. And he just uses a phrase he once heard (from you on a different occasion, in a kindergarten, in a cartoon).
But, nevertheless, this does not mean that the child does not know at all what he is doing. The baby already has excellently developed feelings, he unconsciously notices the reactions of adults and repeats them. Or trying to call them.
How does the average parent react to the words “I don’t love you” or “I hate you!”
- a response flash of negative feelings - irritation, anger, and even rage. The desire to instantly rein in the insolent, who dared to insult you like that.
- physical punishment - spanking, pulling, slapping.
- defiantly shown indifference.
- frustration, confusion, followed by concessions.
All these paths are dead ends.
- Flashing like a child, you can tell him a lot of nasty things in response, which you will later regret.
- If you hit him, the child will either become silent, harboring a strong resentment, or will shout out even more fiercely rude words. May also go to physical actions. (And what did you want, what is the parental example!)
- Indifferencewill tell the child how you do not care about him and his problems. And even what he hoped to break through you with does not work. In a couple of years, he will erect an impenetrable indifference before you.
- Concessions and insolvency of the parentshows his weakness and that he can be perfectly manipulated in the future. Of course, the child does not think in such terms, he will simply know which buttons to press next time in order to get what he wants.
By the way, most often this is how parents “get in the face” are insecure, doubting the correctness of their upbringing, often changing the direction of their actions, unable to speak "No". Not "No»with going into hysterics, and then tired "Yes". "No" should be calm and confident. With love and understanding.
The situation is much more difficult when the words "I hate you!" speaks . Accompanying what was said by slamming the door, breaking dishes and breaking furniture.
There is no longer a fact that you are in control of the situation. And the methods beaten from his childhood will no longer work. You can’t say here, looking into his furious hateful eyes: “I’m very sorry that you experience such feelings, but I still love you.” The tongue will not turn. Moreover, when a big guy with fluff on her cheeks or your complexion, a developed girl tells you this ... Here, in addition to resentment, you can experience real fear. Do not cope, show weakness, get enough sleep in dust ...
The words of a teenager do not always mean what they mean. He is a maximalist, and believes that if I love, then to the grave, if not, then “I don’t want to see or hear you!” Teenagers are not yet adults, but they are no longer children, they are torn apart by contradictions and emotions, hormones hit in the head. They also have little control over their language.
Here it is important to think about everything properly, an instant reaction on the machine will not bring any benefit. Perhaps you should already move to another level of relationship. Not control-dependent, but. And it is important to tell the teenager, perhaps later, when the situation is not so tense, how his words offended you. Not accusing, not shouting and indignant, but sadly stating the fact.
Of course, this should have been done earlier ... But let's proceed from the fact that nothing is too late while we are alive. And our child still lives next to us. And we can talk to him ... And you can still fix it.
Sometimes it seems that the family is a military ground, where the front line runs between parents and children. "I hate my mother!" - the teenager shouts in a rage that is not provoked by anything, because after all, the parents keep repeating, and they themselves believe that they live for him. It's scary, but it's not as rare as it seems, and it's even scarier that many children don't say it, but think so. And they act in such a way that it is impossible to make a mistake; they feel far from wonderful feelings for their parents ... Moreover, the situation in the family may not be critical at all, that is, mom and dad are completely sane and sincerely want to improve relations with the child.
Transitional age
Similar manifestations (with a greater or lesser degree of tension) occur in many families, mothers habitually share their sore points: “Transitional, they say, age!” Transitional from childhood to adulthood, when a person begins to comprehend his place in the world, to look for the meaning of his existence, to learn the laws of interaction between people. And his conclusions begin to disagree with parental teachings.
Sometimes it all goes more or less smoothly, and sometimes it becomes a nightmare for all family members. Why?
Causes of problems
- family incomplete, it is hard for the mother to cope with this, she breaks down on the child and receives a “return line”;
- the family is complete, but for different reasons parents quietly or openly each other hate, and the child simply manifests what is hidden inside;
- in the family a total lie, parents have parallel relationships outside the family;
- a family has two or more children and some of them are loved more.
- child in the family "for furniture« , parents live their lives. ignoring him and hoping that "children, like grass, grow on their own ..."
All of the options listed are, so to speak, the degree of illness of the family organism, which has already taken active form. And children see it, feel it and protest. This is not fatal, such situations can be corrected if at least one of the adults in the family wants this. You just need to open your eyes, admit that there is a problem, and find a specialist who can help.
But the topic of the article is different.
Unmotivated aggression
This is when outwardly the situation is quite normal, but the child still “breaks loose”. What could be the reason?
If you observe this, then you should know: your child is a symptom that shows that with an external order in your family system, there is a very big discord. The first thing to do is take care of yourself. That is, if you think that psychological help your child needs, you are, of course, right. But first of all, you need it! Find and apply. Of course, if it passes, then before the time when the child grows up and is distracted from the war with you, he will have time to bring you to a neurosis. Better take action now.
Mistakes in education
Are there any specific parenting mistakes that can lead to this: “I hate my mother!”. Of course, there are many of them, it is impossible to list them all, but they can be combined in one phrase: a lot of restrictions and prohibitions. The life of a child is regulated and scheduled by the minute. Even if you do everything right and solely for his benefit, at the same time he feels like a hunted animal who is not given a sip. fresh air. Either he breaks down, puts up (outwardly accepts your game), or these outbursts of aggression. And if, from your point of view, the reaction to the next: “you won’t go for a walk until you clean it up”, is completely inadequate, then think that this is a reaction to All similar prohibitions, even from kindergarten age. He has accumulated! And forces have appeared to resist you.
Real life example
Perhaps an example would be appropriate: my mother (let's call her Victoria) is talking to me (I'm visiting), constantly distracted by her daughter, who has finished doing her homework and walks around us in circles, hoping to take time off for a walk. Girl, (let it be Sveta), 13 years old. Time - 17.30. "Walks in circles" - this means, every minute he enters the room for this, then for that, looks into his mother's eyes, makes remarks about the weather and the fact that "we agreed." Direct requests to the family are not likely to be accepted. Mom pretends not to hear hints, in fact, her attention is not with me, but with her daughter. She “endures” her, “makes her deserve” a walk. Educational, so to speak, moment. So that it is not easy to get, to appreciate! What did you appreciate? Probably maternal kindness, or maternal efforts to educate her ... yes ...
Our conversation, in general, is about her, about Svetlana, about their tense relationship, about her audacity and ingratitude. But although I've been here for almost an hour, we haven't made any progress because the client "doesn't turn on". I choose the position of an observer, I came here for this, and I wonder how it all ends.
Finally, Sveta asks, plucking up her courage:
- Well, so can I go, mom?
- Lessons? Victoria says sternly.
- I did.
“There you had to learn the verse.
- I learned.
- Tell.
- Now?! - the girl looks at her mother in surprise, and looks askance at me. Mom understands that she went too far here, but is not going to give up.
- Okay ... later, when you come. Have you got a portfolio?
- Okay, I'll see what's in your room now.
To my surprise, Victoria gets up and goes to inspect her daughter's room, inviting me to follow her, trying to take her as an ally, and resent together. I refuse and hear several "valuable instructions" from behind the door, given in a stern tone. Eliminate riots, of course, you need BEFORE walking. But it didn't end there either! Then there was an instruction to eat, “you are hungry”, and in pursuit it started: “Do not forget to wash your hands!”. The girl did not protest, she did everything diligently and quickly, but with a gloomy look. Apparently, she knew from experience that this is the only way to get freedom even for an hour. The next topic was clothing: “The skirt does not fit the jacket, change clothes”, and finally: “First go to the store and buy bread!”.
When Sveta broke free, it was already 19.00.
We continued the conversation and… guess what happened next? My mother started calling at exactly 7:30 p.m. She demanded to return home immediately! Because it's dark! Svetlana, of course, protested and asked for “another half hour, I just got out!” (And it's true!) Mother sighed heavily, allowed. But 10 minutes later she started calling again.
How hard it is for me! Do you see what's going on? - She did not lose hope to take me as an ally.
Having made my conclusions, I was no longer going to be silent and play the game "Pity the unfortunate mother."
Is she easy with you? ... and you know what I'll tell you? You're lucky you're not having a boy! - (This is my mothering experience. My boys did not allow even a quarter of such manipulations with them).
I will not describe our further conversation, I will only say that I had to dissuade my friend that total control and overprotection are not signs of a good mother, and they will not lead to a happy future for her daughter (as mother, of course, hopes), and not to her gratitude, but to rebellion or quiet sabotage and lies. And in the future, the girl is a potential client of a psychotherapist with the theme "I hate my mother."
So, what to do with children, so as not to go too far with guardianship and prevent permissiveness?
First, about the reasons why parents behave this way with their children.
Reasons for parental overprotection
- 1 reason. The belief that if a child is not brought up in strictness, he is sure to "go astray." Moreover, the more this very severity, the stronger parental love means, and the better the guarantee.
- 2 reason: Parents are mortally afraid that the child will make mistakes. This is also a “go astray” option, but much less global. Because in the first case, the parents are afraid of an unsuccessful fate, and in the second, that “the neck will catch a cold” or “the deuce will hit”.
- 3 reason: Parents who cease to control the child cease to feel their "need".
My child needs me!
Feeling needed by your children. What it is? I once observed such a scene with my own eyes: a little girl (3 years old) is running around with a pump on the beach, intending to inflate a swimming mattress on her own. Dad takes away the pump and wants to do it himself, the girl protests offendedly. In response, dad is also offended: “What, you don’t need your parents at all?” Think about it: if a dad does not need a 3-year-old daughter to pump up a mattress, it makes him feel bad! No, to relax and tenderly watch the efforts of the crumbs!
hysterical desire « to be needed» He speaks to his children about the deep inner complex of a person - global lack of demand and dislike for himself for this. When "if I am needed, I have the right to exist, and if not, then I smoke the sky for nothing." As for me, it is necessary to rejoice when children learn independence and slowly untie their parents' hands. You can do something else! What if there is nothing to do? This is the whole trouble ... It turns out that the function of a person is only the reproduction of his own kind, nothing more? And where is the joy of life, creative impulses? ... And if “there remains only to wait for grandchildren”, and nothing more interesting is thought up ... then this is sad! However, if a person has nothing else to do in life, except to direct his energy to children, then children at least should not suffer from this, paying with their freedom.
Theory of life mistakes
According to this theory, if the child is not controlled, he will "make mistakes." Yes, this is true, and do not hesitate, he will definitely do it! How else? Or rather, how will he learn not to do them if he doesn’t do them first and remains dissatisfied with the results of his activities? Here, of course, the whole question is what exactly to prohibit and what to allow. For example, I would allow you to cook some creative food, there is clearly nothing poisonous in the kitchen. Or, for example, you can also repair a bicycle. But the outlet - no, it's dangerous. The only way to really learn something is to own experience, but how to gain this experience if parents always climb arm in arm with advice or direct instructions? Their function, in my opinion, is precisely to separate what is dangerous from what is safe. The first, yes, to put under control, and with the second, let the children deal with it as they want, this is their life, not ours.
The "Unfortunate Fate" Theory
And here, dear parents, one cannot do without a close examination of one's fears. By the way, they are not original, they are all the same. If the parents of girls, then this is an early pregnancy, prostitution, drugs. If boys - crime, fights and also drugs.
And the question of whether it is possible to save a child with strict control is open. There is no single answer. If the children's friends are at risk, sometimes a ban can save the day. And sometimes it happens that excessive strictness has the opposite effect and pushes you into an environment “where they understand and don’t load”, and this is not always the best environment.
The dangers of strict parenting
In hyper-custody (strict upbringing, when the mother “guards” the child around the clock), there is still such a danger: the child, getting used to constant parental pulling, stop responding to them. as something to be reckoned with. (As in the famous parable about the wolf, when the boy joked, joked, and when the real danger came, no one came to his aid). Likewise, the child violates everything, indiscriminately. And here, just in one row, the instructions “put on a scarf” and “never take drugs” become. The child experimented with a scarf, and more than once. And not only with a scarf, he (oh, horror!) And ate snow in winter, and did not wash his hands before eating, and nothing terrible happened as a result! This means that the rest of the parental prohibitions (maybe he draws a conclusion) are the same bullshit! It seems to you that these are things of a different order, and it goes without saying that drugs are much worse than an undressed scarf, and in the child's psyche they are in the same row, since a child, if you follow parental rules, almost everything is impossible! A reasonable border is not developed. That is why you want to break it so much.
Aggression out of nowhere?
Does it happen that outbreaks of aggression occur “on empty place"? That is, prohibitions and restrictions are quite reasonable and not numerous, and between other family members - peace ...
Yes, unfortunately it happens. It should be understood that a teenager, going out into the "big" world, and trying to take his own (some very decent) place there, inevitably encounters difficulties. All these problems with peers, first love and so on can be very painful. On whom does the child take out his anger from the fact that, for example, his classmates do not accept him? They can't, it will be even worse. Therefore, the vector of aggression turns to the one who is least of all to blame for this, but who clearly does not respond in kind, that is, to her mother. It's a shame, it's wrong, but it happens. In fact, it is impossible to say that the mother is not at all to blame for this. First, (and the child subconsciously understands this), his current problems are the result of family education. Secondly, if a mother allows rudeness towards herself, if she allows the child to “sit on her head”, then in response she may well receive “I hate my mother!”. It's a paradox, but it's true...
In families where it is customary to treat parents with respect, this happens much less often. These are problems in the relationship with the child that a mother faces when she puts herself in a position servants. Position « I am everything to you» leads to the fact that "everything" means and be the victim of aggressive language, including .
What to do?
The recipe in this case is to change the position, which is not easy, of course, and requires work on oneself and revision of both one's principles and one's behavior.
On the other hand, the child's emotions require an outlet, and one should not attach too much of great importance his outbursts. If your relationship is such that you can (after a while) talk and discuss what happened, you can learn about the true reasons for his behavior. This is ideal because it will calm you down and give him the opportunity to realize his feelings. “I know something happened to you, so you yell at me ...” - this can be the beginning of a conversation that will let him know that you are not offended and are still ready to be his friend, listen and help in any way you can . At least with your sympathy.
The state of the child “I hate my mother” should not be taken as a tragedy, but rather as an indicator that there are tasks in your relationship that need to be addressed. If you act from a "childish" setting, then you will be frightened and offended. If you are an “adult”, you will solve these problems.
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Often family relationships cease to seem prosperous, and gradually life turns into a war zone. Often conflict arises between the child and the parents. The son hates the mother, or the daughter - a similar situation can appear in almost any home. And quite often it is not accompanied by serious quarrels. She appears for no apparent reason, just from scratch. But reverse situations are also possible when a child grows up in unfavorable conditions and is constantly attacked by adults.
Regardless of living conditions, parents, to whom angry phrases about hatred are directed, experience far from the most rosy emotions. After all, adults usually not only repeat, but also believe that they live for the sake of children. In their opinion, they do not deserve such treatment. Or did they deserve it? Why do children hate their mother? There are the most different reasons. And some of them will be described in the review.
Difficulties of growing up
This kind of behavior on the part of teenagers is scary. And what is even worse, often children not only utter such a phrase, but also believe in it. Yes, and then they begin to act as if they sincerely hate. At the same time, family relations can be quite peaceful, normal, when parents are completely sane and try to find mutual language with kids.
A mother hates her daughter (or son) - this is familiar to many. Usually, such a situation is attributed to the difficulties that are characteristic of the transitional age, when a teenager begins to grow up, tries to find his place, to understand existence. At the same time, the conclusions of the child usually do not coincide with the opinion of the older generation, which causes misunderstanding, and then conflicts appear.
Main reasons
In some situations, the transitional age passes smoothly. However, situations where life turns into a nightmare also occur quite often. What are the reasons for such behavior of a teenager?
- An incomplete family, it’s hard for one mother to cope, so she begins to take out her anger on the child, for which she receives in return.
- What other reasons can cause the phrase: “I hate my mother”? Let's say the family is complete. However, parents can hate each other, which negatively affects the child himself.
- The phrase can be called total lie when parents have relationships on the side.
- Hatred often appears if there are several children in the family, and someone is loved more and someone less.
- What kind of mother do you hate? A child may experience a feeling of hatred for that mother who does not pay attention to him at all, does not care and does not support him in difficult moments.
The above reasons are the most striking. They demonstrate that not everything is as smooth as we would like in the family. Children feel these situations on a subconscious level, which is why they begin to utter phrases such as “I hate my mother.”
However, problems can be solved by correcting the situation. But this should be wanted first of all by one of the adults. It is enough just to accept that troubles still take place, and find an experienced specialist who is able to normalize relations in the family.
When aggression is manifested out of the blue
Problems can arise without any reason. For example, the situation in the family is normal, but the teenager still vents anger. What causes such situations? Never forget that a child's behavior is just a symptom. It signals that there is some kind of problem even if at first glance everything is fine.
In such a situation, psychological assistance is needed primarily by parents, and not by the child. Only a specialist will be able to find problems and eliminate them painlessly for all family members. Otherwise, the child will simply lead to a nervous breakdown.
Wrong upbringing
There is a possibility that certain parenting mistakes can lead to the phrase: “I hate my mother.” Naturally, there are quite a lot of them, it is not worth listing them all. However, most mistakes quite often come down to an excessive number of restrictions, various prohibitions on the part of the older generation.
Perhaps the parents painted the life of their children by the minute, not allowing them to deviate from the planned plan. At the same time, they think that they are doing the right thing, bringing only benefit. However, teenagers begin to feel that they are trapped, they no longer have enough freedom. They can break down, come to terms with such a circumstance, accept the rules of the game, or they can show aggression.
It should also be noted that the reaction to prohibitions may not appear immediately, but it will definitely manifest itself when anger accumulates and forces appear that are enough to resist parents. And then the question will begin to arise why an adult son hates his mother. Or the daughter will not have the best feelings for her parents when she grows up.
Reasons for overprotection
A daughter or son hates their mother... Such a situation can be the result of overprotection. How to communicate with children so that there is neither excessive guardianship nor permissiveness? First, it is worth talking about why many parents seek to patronize their child.
First, there may be beliefs that upbringing should be strict. Otherwise, the child will simply slide down the slope. And the higher the manifestation of severity, the stronger love by the parents. And this means that the child will be happy. But this point of view rarely leads to positive results.
Secondly, parents may be afraid that their children will definitely make a lot of mistakes. A similar reason resembles the first, but less global. If in the first case, parents are afraid of the unfortunate fate of a teenager, then in the second they are simply worried that he would not catch a cold or get a deuce.
Third, parents may stop feeling needed if they stop controlling their children. And if the child is independent, then it turns out that they live in vain? But, again, this view is wrong.
Mother hates daughter? Psychology admits that one of the above reasons is to blame, which is not able to establish a good atmosphere in the family. And here's to bring up even more serious conflicts may well. It is necessary to figure out how to be in such situations, how to behave.
Hunt to be needed
Son hates mother? Psychology admits that the reason for this is the desire to “be needed” by your child. Such a desire signals that there is a complex of lack of demand, and most importantly, dislike for oneself for this on the part of parents.
In such a situation, thoughts begin to appear that if no one needs me, then I exist in vain. Instead of rejoicing in the success, independence of their children, parents begin to take offense and form more and more new prohibitions. It is because of this that conflicts often arise.
Many parents believe that if they do not control their child, then he will definitely begin to make mistakes. On the one hand, this point of view is absolutely correct. However, it should be understood that the child will make them anyway. Otherwise it is impossible. To learn not to do stupid things, a teenager must first do them and be dissatisfied with the results.
Adequate approach to bans
Teenager hates mother? To avoid such situations, we must immediately figure out where bans are needed and where not. For example, you can allow experimentation with cooking if there is nothing poisonous in the kitchen. You can also fix your bike. But you should not mess with the outlet, it's dangerous.
You need to understand that you can achieve something worthwhile only on your own experience. And for a child to acquire it, parents should not constantly interfere with advice and recommendations. It is enough to simply determine what is dangerous and what is not. And if in the first case control is necessary, then the child is able to figure it out on his own with the second.
An unenviable fate awaits the child
Where do the fears arise that the fate of a child without constant supervision will necessarily be bad? The causes of fear are usually the same for all parents. If there is a girl in the family, then early pregnancy, drugs and prostitution await her ahead. The boy will definitely get into crime, will constantly fight and will also take drugs.
In such a situation, the question arises whether control will help to avoid such fates. It cannot be answered unambiguously. In some situations, this saves, while in others, on the contrary, it pushes to everything bad. No wonder they say that
What does strict parenting lead to?
Overprotection can cause another serious danger. The child will simply get used to being controlled, constantly pulled and forbidden. Over time, he will stop paying attention to the words of his parents. Accordingly, this will lead to the fact that he will begin to violate everything that is possible, without particularly understanding the situation. And in this he will be guided by two principles. Either parents will intervene and protect, save from problems, or they will punish anyway, so why not do it.
In such a situation, he will follow instructions from his parents exactly the opposite. For example, if he was told that he could not walk without a scarf in winter, he would definitely try to go outside without it. And if he doesn’t get sick, and there won’t be any problems because of this, then other parental prohibitions don’t make any sense.
It may seem that an undressed scarf and drugs are too far apart things. But in the child's psyche, they stand side by side with each other, since, according to parental rules, almost everything is prohibited. Accordingly, in such a situation, reasonable boundaries cease to be developed. And that's why you want to break the bans so much.
Is it in an empty place?
What if the daughter hates the mother? Or maybe negative feelings does the son feel towards his parents? Outbreaks of aggression can also manifest themselves from scratch, when prohibitions with restrictions are reasonable and few in number, and peace and order reign in the family. Such situations are rare, but they do happen.
It must be understood that the child will sooner or later Big world and will try to occupy a certain place in it in order to avoid encountering difficulties. After all, problems with peers can be quite painful.
In such a situation, children will begin to take out their anger on their parents, since it is impossible to conflict with classmates, you can run into even bigger problems. And parents obviously will not answer the same. A loving mothers and are not at all capable of displaying negative emotions towards their children. Such situations are insulting, wrong, but it happens.
However, to say that parents are completely innocent in such situations is not worth it. First, the child subconsciously understands that the cause of many problems in relationships with classmates is the result of upbringing. And secondly, allowing rudeness towards yourself, you can one day hear the phrase: “I hate my mother.” Such situations are paradoxical, but they happen.
In families where it is customary to treat each other with respect, there are usually no reasons for such phrases. Often this happens only if the mother initially put herself in the position of a “servant”.
Problem solving
I hate my mother, what should I do? To cope with such a manifestation of aggression, it is necessary to change the position. But this is not so easy, as it requires working on yourself, revising the principles and your own behavior. Moreover, both adults and children will have to change.
On the other hand, children's emotions need an outlet. Therefore, it is not recommended to attach great importance to negative manifestations. But this is allowed only if there is an opportunity to talk, discuss what happened, learn about the true reasons. This situation is ideal, because both parents will calm down, and the child is aware of his feelings.
Finding a way out of the situation
What if the child hates the mother? Regardless of the difference in character, bad relationship, it is almost impossible to stop loving mom. However, due to conflicts and constant quarrels, life turns into a nightmare. For this reason, we must try to find a way out of the situation.
Most importantly, do not forget that the mother will not hurt, spoil life on purpose, just because she wants it. She just thinks that all her actions are beneficial, and in the future you will thank her for this.
Below are some tips that will help you deal with the situation that has arisen and resolve the conflict.
- We just need to talk heart to heart. Try to convey to her that you appreciate the care, are grateful for the help provided, but you need something completely different, you want to achieve other goals, and not those that your mother sets for you.
- In no case should you break, speak bad words. Such behavior will only exacerbate the situation. Yes, and mom from this will only be more painful and offensive.
- If you are an independent person and do not want to be under the constant influence of your parents, find a way to prove it. Start earning money, live separately. In such a situation, it will be possible to avoid constant control by parents and acquire personal space. Yes and free time can be done at your own discretion.
- Maybe mom thinks she's single? Make her feel needed, help her find the meaning of life. Perhaps she just needs a friend with whom she can walk, talk about pressing matters. Maybe you can find a hobby for her. The main thing is to leave as little space as possible for negative emotions in her life.
What should parents do?
Firstly, you can’t always command your children, constantly demand something from them, psychologically put pressure on them. It is best to try to find a compromise, to agree with each other, to carefully listen to the opinion of the child. Naturally, he will agree with your point of view, but he will still hold a grudge inside, which will definitely make itself felt later.
Secondly, do not forget that children have own life. She needs to be interested. Do not avoid communication with the child, learn about his experiences and help with advice. There should be no ridicule, even if the problems seem banal and stupid. For children, all their troubles look global, crisis. Therefore, they need help and support. And if all this does not happen, then they will not experience positive emotions for their parents.
Thirdly, it is necessary to try to find a common language with the child, to become a friend for him, accepting all the shortcomings and virtues. Parents just need to feel in the body of a teenager. Feeling all the grievances experienced, overestimating difficult situations you can form great relationships. But do not forget that it is necessary to work constantly to maintain relationships.
Conclusion
Mother hate daughter or son? Do not treat such an event as a tragedy. This is just an indicator that there are problems in the relationship, and they need to be dealt with, to look for a way out of the situation.
Remember that there are two installations - for children and for adults. In the first case, parents are frightened and offended. And this only exacerbates the situation. In the second case, parents try to deal with the problem. Which setup is right for you? But we can say with confidence that if the problem is not solved, then more than once you will have to hear the phrase: “I hate my own mother!”
Hello dear readers. In this article we will consider a situation where the daughter hates the mother. We will consider what factors can influence the emergence of feelings of hatred. You will learn how to behave in such a situation.
Fundamentals of hate
The psychology of a teenager is arranged in such a way that he can show extreme emotions. Hatred and rage often come out. Due to age, such manifestations may be a variant of the norm.
The situation is terrible when a teenage girl can hear the phrase "I hate my mother." And this is shocking, since the young girl herself is a future mother.
Let's look at why such phenomena can be observed.
- The girl in childhood was deprived of her mother's attention, she lacked care and warmth.
- Quarrels, scandals constantly arose in the family, and parents often blamed the child for all problems.
- Wrong method of education, in particular aggressive, authoritarian, use of suppressive methods.
- The mother caused certain painful feelings in the mind of her daughter, disappointed her.
- A conflict can arise in a situation where a mother is trying to teach her daughter about life, and the girl wants to be independent, she does not like being forced to listen to someone's instructions.
- A woman may refuse to recognize the interests of her daughter, her views on life. Often a teenage girl experiences a feeling of hatred for a parent when her mother does not approve of her choice regarding both friends and boyfriends.
- A daughter may feel hatred when her mother tries to realize her dreams with her help. For example, he makes you dance.
- The conflict may be formed on the basis of the fact that neither mother nor daughter can give in. Each tries to prove her case, defend her point of view, does not want to listen to the opinion of the other.
- growing up in incomplete family. The situation when a woman raises her daughter herself is not uncommon. A girl may blame her parent for not having a father. Mom can not withstand the stress, sometimes break down on the child. The daughter, feeling the strongest resentment, will accumulate hatred for her mother.
- A child may hate his mother when he finds out that a woman is deceiving the family, in particular, she has relationships on the side.
- The dislike of the daughter may be due to the presence of younger children in the family, on whom all the attention of the mother is concentrated.
- A woman constantly points out the shortcomings of her daughter, compares her with other, more successful, beautiful girls.
- Guardianship can also lead to feelings of hatred. A teenager does not like a mother who constantly points out mistakes, tries to protect, controls every step.
- In a situation where a girl behaves badly towards her mother, breaks down on her, is rude, openly shows her hatred for no apparent reason, it is necessary to seek help from a psychotherapist. Often, it is the mother who needs help in such a situation. Only a specialist can figure it out real reasons the emergence of such relationships, to improve the climate in the family.
How to behave
- A woman must realize that her daughter is already old enough, the time has come for her to take responsibility for herself. It is necessary to understand that the child is already able to make decisions.
- It is recommended that in the life of the mother some kind of hobby should appear, to which she would give all her free time, and not spend it on getting her daughter, controlling her.
- If your daughter claims that she lacks attention, find time for her. Try to communicate every day, just sit next to each other, talk heart to heart. Ideally, if you can find a common hobby, such as knitting or cooking.
- Think about how you raise your child. Perhaps you put too much pressure on your daughter, resort to aggression, control too much. In such a situation, it is time to understand that such a model of behavior is fundamentally wrong. You need to correct yourself, otherwise ruin the child, set your daughter against you forever.
- Never blame children for family problems. If your daughter witnessed a family conflict, apologize to her. Try to avoid scandals at home in the future.
- It's time to come to terms with the fact that a child can have own opinion regarding any issue, their views on life. You need to understand that her point of view also has the right to life.
- It is unacceptable to compare your daughter with other girls. It is necessary to praise your child, celebrate her achievements. It is important to compare what the daughter was before and what she has become now, what she has achieved. And even if your daughter has very few virtues, you still have to love her, accept her for who she is, support her at any moment.
- Try to complain to your child as little as possible, talking about how hard life is for you, what problems you have. There is no need for her to fill her head with this.
- Never blame your daughter for putting youth on her upbringing. Nobody asked you about this.
A friend of mine, Katya, still hates her mother to this day. The reason is overprotection. It so happened that Katya grew up in an incomplete family, her mother decided to devote herself completely to the child, did not begin to arrange her personal life. The woman constantly controlled Katya, overprotected her, did not allow her to communicate with those with whom she wanted. Then she began to reproach her daughter that she was not grateful, that because of her mother was left alone, without a man. As soon as the girl became an adult, she packed her things and went to the guy in another city. At first, she still tried to communicate with her mother, occasionally called her on the phone, then she completely stopped making contact, as the woman, at every opportunity, reproached her daughter for her behavior and ingratitude for the years spent on her upbringing. Everyone condemns Katya because she renounced her mother.
It is very important to think in time about how we raise children, what kind of relationship we have with parents, so that in old age you do not turn out to be unnecessary to anyone, with the understanding that your own child does not love you.
Now you know what to do in a situation where the daughter treats her mother badly, hates her. It must be understood that in many cases a woman may be mistaken in how a child treats her. It is also necessary to take into account age-related changes, hormonal changes in the body of a teenager. It is important to maintain the right attitude towards the daughter, to take into account her characteristics, needs, not to put pressure on the child, surrounding her with excessive care. Remember that if necessary, you should seek the help of a psychologist.
