***
This year, for the first time, our parents let us celebrate the New Year with friends. But, after my mother found a shopping list in my jeans ... for some reason, she and dad decided to join us.
***
Darling, what day is it today?
- March 8?
- No!
- Your birthday?
- No!
- New Year?
- No!
- Old New Year?
- No!
- Apple saved?
- No!
- Hanukkah?
- No!
- Kydyrles?
- Yeok!
- Day Angel?
- No!
- Mother-in-law's birthday, Devil's Day?
- No!
- Well, I don't know what day it is!
- How can I live with a person who doesn't know what day it is? Fifth!
- What's the fifth?
- Today is the fifth day, and you took me for an hour! Count, accountant!
This year, and therefore, all the Old Slavonic holidays were celebrated: Ivan-kupala, Ivan-dry, Ivano-sunbathe, Ivano-drank, Ivano-another Ivan was given in the face, Ivano-ran away home and Ivano-the next day Ivano- all over again.
Santa Claus came to us last year. On the 29th - find out about gifts.
- Hello! Well, tell me, what do you bring for the New Year? Kostya, what do you want?
- Babu!
- Kostya - a woman.
- Lyosha, what do you want?
- Babu.
- Lyosha - a woman.
- Zhenya, what do you want?
- You know, I would like the rate of devaluation of the ruble to not exceed the inflation rate of the Deutschmark in relation to ... next year.
- Wife - a woman!
Awesome New Year in Egypt! There is no snow, no Galkin, no sense of celebration.
- A holiday?! Of course, where does he come from. Look, Tolyan on the very first day he turned the hookah into a moonshine still, everything: hello, weekdays!
The New Year has come to your house, open the ward, kind grandfather Frost brought you a little brain!
Dima, look, the New Year is coming soon, people have gathered. Whatever you wished for.
- So that at least once in my life ... after the bath I ended up in Leningrad! And not as usual ... sober.
- And I would like someone to reforge a plowshare for my wife ... well, at least for a sword!
On New Year's Eve, all eighteen-year-old girls guess.
- And at thirty they understand that they didn’t guess right.
How will we celebrate the New Year?
- Let's dress up as Santa Claus!
- All right, but the beard should not be made of cotton. And, mind you, do not stoop!
- And why?
- And then the children again with their rhymes will spoil the whole holiday!
I want to wish everyone a Happy New Year. And raise this glass ... and pour this effervescent French muck on the hell and fill it with clean, like a tear, well water ... and leave it for the morning.
They say new year
What is not desired
A lot is happening
Too bad it's forgotten.
Guys, congratulations!!! For this New Year, life itself gave me a gift - I met the woman of my dreams!
- And, in my opinion, Seryozha, any dream fits your dream.
And Lyokha and I somehow overestimated our strength in the New Year. And we went into the forest for 50 kilometers!
- By ski?
- On amphetamines!!!
Once upon a time, there was one poor peasant ... Well, not quite poor. He had money... And one day on New Year's Eve he plowed his piece of land... Sweating off his forehead. And suddenly a luxurious white carriage appeared with a beautiful red cross on its side ... And two orderlies quickly explained to the peasant that it was not the season!
State of emergency at school: at the celebration of the New Year, a boy dressed as a cucumber was bitten by a physical education teacher.
A boy with a bad vestibular apparatus for the New Year rehearses not a rhyme, but the opportunity to stand on a chair.
***
- Now you will hear phrases that you will not hear on New Year's Eve
- Mom, dad stay, let's spend the new year together
- Girls, go drink, we'll cook everything ourselves.
- And I got through the first time
- And here's the cake.
- Let's blow up, don't be afraid, normal firecracker, don't be afraid
Grandmother, why does grandfather come to us for the New Year
- By the tribunal's decision!
Lonely white mouse
Lost my innocence in the barn.
Here, a few days later,
Lose innocence another ...
I don't know what to do then
With this wonderful natural phenomenon,
But it was and always will be
Happy new year friends!
Happy New Year!
Santa Claus does not exist. He lives to the fullest.
The actor Motorkin, who played the role of Santa Claus, was so full of energy drinks that he wiped 14 round dances into dust.
Five-year-old Sasha almost believed in Santa Claus, but dad neighed, and the beard came off
The holiday comes to us: kindergarten No. 23, the boy who wanted to tell not a poem, but a story about how Santa Claus defeated the teacher received the most gifts.
At the New Year's party, through a holey screen, the children saw that the Snow Maiden was anyone, but obviously not the granddaughter of Santa Claus.
At the New Year's party, children from a kindergarten in Troyeshchina called the Snow Maiden, but they called the devil. Well, firstly, the Devil is cheaper for the New Year, and secondly, only he is not afraid of kindergarten children in Troyeschina.
Look, wife, what a beautiful Christmas tree we have! .. Learn.
On the night before Christmas, girls threw their boots out of the gate. Which of the men passing by was knocked down with a boot, that one was buried.
Longest Catholic Christmas celebrated the atheist Ded Mitrich.
A young ambitious family will rent a barn for Christmas.
New Year's omen. If in new year's eve stand with your back to the tree, take five steps to the north, and then two steps to the south, then you will bump into the sideboard.
On the New Year tree, a boy dressed as a hero beat a boy dressed as a knight. It is gratifying that the years go by, and the Russians are still stronger than the Germans.
New Year's action from the Ministry of Internal Affairs: Write down why you don't like the police, collect ten warm clothes and wait.
For obvious reasons, US President Barack Obama's New Year's address will be filmed during the day
After 10 days of New Year holidays, the Kuril Islands were renamed the Kuriles and Bukhals.
Now listen to the New Year's address of the President of Botswana to his people!
- Hey, where are you all?
Eugene in 1984 on New Year's party put on a muskrat costume, thereby showing his attitude towards the Soviet regime.
The caretaker of the Moscow Kremlin built himself a bath from Christmas trees 2008 and 2009.
If your child is teased by Hitler at school, then come up with a new New Year's costume for your child ... Or at least wash off your mustache.
New Year's script for high school
Goals: develop horizons and Creative skills students; promote team building.
Event progress
I. Introduction
Leading(in a snowflake suit and big white sneakers)I. Good evening! Teams of cheerful and resourceful people compete today (represents the teams). A full hall of fans suggests that in auditorium- an epidemic. Everyone will get sick! I invite the fans of the teams to look at each other and greet. And you teams, greet each other.
presenter(in a snowman costume and white high-heeled shoes). Not everyone still knows that our KVN is not ordinary, but New Year's, one might say KVN-masquerade! You will find not only fireworks of New Year's jokes, but also unusual, cool carnival costumes.
Buffoon 1.
Carnival is a wonderful holiday
There are funny songs here.
This is joy, bursting laughter,
This holiday brings success to everyone!
Buffoon 2.
Wear colorful clothes
Let the glitter sparkle.
Let the carnival carry in a circle!
We meet, friends, the New Year!
Leading. So here we go! But first of all, let me introduce the members of the jury... (introduces the jury). Information for the fans: while the jury is deliberating, you can show your support for your favorite team: posters, chants, chants, songs... This way you can help the team earn extra points (maximum 3 points). Get sick of your health!
presenter. Stop, stop! You can’t start the game, because we don’t have a Christmas tree. How will we invite Santa Claus? I suggest that the teams work hard - dress up the Christmas tree.
II. Game tasks for teams
Competition "Christmas Tree Decoration"
Four people from the team are called, one of them is a girl. Girls turn into Christmas trees. The boys dress the girls with green scarves and Christmas decorations on clothespins. Fans are invited to evaluate the work of the teams with loud applause. The team with the most noisy approval wins.
Greetings
Teams show a business card - a New Year's greeting. Any sketch on new year theme. The maximum score in this competition is 5 points.
Song of KVNshchikov
We studied at school and did not know grief,
But they invited us to play in KVN.
Forgotten lessons and abandoned books
Now we are not just girls, boys.
Welcome to our super team!
Take a look at us - no more words needed!
Resourcefulness, humor, enthusiasm and luck.
We swear that we will give you fun!
Leading. Before the “Warm-up” competition begins, the captains, together with two assistants, must leave their team to come to us in the costume of Santa Claus. And we appreciate the originality of this costume.
You can use paper "icicles" plastic bottles and Other materials for decorating the Santa Claus costume.
Warm up
The maximum score is 5 points.
Leading. We are starting the second competition, alas, without captains. Your task is to answer the questions as quickly as possible without preparation. The faster you get to the microphone and witty answer, the higher the scores.
Questions
The one on whose carpet it is better not to wipe your feet. (Director.)
The main keeper of time, chalk and secrets, who and what time came. (Watchman, guard.)
Cafe Blue Smoke. (Toilet.)
The most grated kalach in school. (Graduate.)
What is instantly lost at the first request of the teacher to put on the table. (Diary.)
It seems that the mobile phone is silent, but the teacher is running. (Call.)
That which is not worn after birth, but is asked at the entrance. (Change.)
The main irritant of the teachers in the lesson, but not your hair (pants, piercings, the name of the most hooligan in your class). (Mobile phone.)
Hanging on the wall, talking about the time and place of his release. (Schedule.)
The science of who, when, why, why and what all this got us into. (Story.)
The person, the main thing after the director. (Cleaning woman.)
A person, a little less important after the director and the cleaning lady, who is a little something - “parents urgently to school!”. (Head teacher)
A coded exam, about which it can be said that the meeting place cannot be changed. (Unified State Examination.)
You can find anything in it, even the remnants of last year's breakfast, but not what you need. (Backpack, briefcase.)
Loved by everyone, including even adults, the clothes are very shabby looking. (Jeans.)
A place where they eat something without knowing what and drink it without knowing what. (Dining room.)
The red price of knowledge of most students in most subjects. (Deuce.)
A newfangled item codenamed How to Become a Millionaire. (Economy.)
A lesson where you can quite legally "catch glitches." (Computer science.)
A documentary pass to freedom, confirming the time of the 11-year sentence. (Certificate.)
Relax. (Turn.)
Something for which every decent student has a thousand and one reasons. (True, being late.)
- "Dusheshchipach" with tests. (Psychologist.)
All adults urge her to quit, although they often get it themselves at an opportunity. (Cigarette.)
Leading. I want Santa Claus! And better than two: there will be more jokes! Let's write an ad: "Young, pretty, Gillette-shaven Santa Clauses are required."
Leading. Young? Grandfather? Amazing! What about hair?
Leading. With a ponytail!
Leading. M-yes! With a ponytail, in a fur coat and felt boots! Get hurt!
Leading. Then - young, handsome, in Levis jeans, a Versace T-shirt, Camelot boots! And what?
Leading. And with a bag on my back! Some scavenger!
presenter. With a backpack, on a skateboard and in a baseball cap!
Leading(taken aback). Who?
presenter. Father Frost! (To the audience.) Let's call them! Grandpas!
Santa Clauses come out - team captains, dressed according to the description.
Santas(in chorus).
We are two young brothers
Two Frosts are removed.
One(points to himself).
I am Frost Red Nose!
Another. I am Frost Blue nose.
Captains competition. New Year's greetings and wishes to teams and fans
Santa Claus 1.
Happy new year guys
I congratulate you!
Bright, sunny days
I wish you in the cold!
May good luck and joy
Will bring with him
On this winter holiday
coming year.
And I also wish you
For everything to work out
So that twos and threes
You didn't happen
So that the parents
Putting signatures in the diary,
They exclaimed in admiration:
"You're a genius, old man!"
So that your victories
sounded everywhere,
And the shortcomings would
Didn't notice.
So that mom, having come from work, this very hour
I would immediately put you at the computer.
So that at McDonald's you
ate daily,
Well, with chips, just
They didn't break up.
weekday to
It was very much like a holiday.
Well, a holiday -
Even more good.
So that your holidays
Six months lasted.
The remaining six
You wouldn't study at all.
So that these words
They sounded victorious for a long time.
Happy New Year guys!
Dreaming is not bad!
ALL, ALL, ALLTeacher! To live without nerves
Looking at children's pranks
With longing you may not be
But with humor you must be.
(E. Zapyatkin)
Watch in all schools of the country: superblockbuster "Sit down"! And the continuation of "Sit down - 2"!
Judging by the emerging trend in the field of education, soon after graduation from the university they will issue a piece of paper with the inscription “Deplom”.
Scandal in the Moscow school: the money allocated for repairs was really spent on repairs.
Why, in order to educate the first child, it is necessary to have a second?
The teacher, who every day collected from the students for the repair of the school, repented and went to the monastery. Now he collects for the repair of the temple.
We often call a teacher who has folded his wings an established teacher.
The teacher is asked:
What are three reasons why you love your job?
- June July August...
I went to a school for mentally retarded teachers.
Our director's only drawback is the lack of any merit.
There are no evil teachers - there are few flowers and sweets!
School - this is the place where children receive knowledge, and parents - a hole in the family budget.
School prepares us for life in a world that does not exist.
A school is a place where teachers demand from the student knowledge in all subjects, while they themselves know only one.
According to statistics, 50% of schoolchildren dream of burning down the school, 30% - blowing up and 20% - first burning, and only then blowing up.
Sentence: 11 years of school regime with confiscation of toys.
The academic year, like pregnancy - lasts 9 months, and starts to feel sick from the 2nd week ...
On September 1, schoolchildren give a bouquet of roses to a teacher of literature and a "Bouquet of Moldova" to a labor teacher.
Minister of Education's advice to teachers:
- Do you want to double your salary? Put your money in front of a mirror!
The Minister of Education regularly collects money from employees of the Ministry for curtains and security.
And the sponsor of our school is enthusiasm.
The statement of the teacher to the principal of the school: "Please send me to the courses of salary increase."
Before the crisis, it was fashionable to have a cell phone. And now it is fashionable to have a working phone.
A delegation of teachers in the director's office.
- Vladimir Petrovich! We have two questions for you.
- Which?
- First: can we increase the salary? And the second: why not?
In the office principal teacher who came to get a job.
- Do you have references from your previous job?
- Yes, there I was recommended to look for another school.
It is better to tell the truth in the eyes of the director on the phone.
The director (head teacher) does not sleep - he is resting, the director does not lie - he is a diplomat.
A thrashing in the principal's office.
- Pyotr Petrovich! If you don’t know how to do anything, at least draw conclusions.
Teachers' council in the director's office.
- When everyone comes to a consensus, it will be possible to start a discussion.
You can’t bribe the director’s sincerity - he takes gifts.
If it weren't for Dobry juice, our director would have killed all the students.
The ball was still flying through the director's window, and the children were already playing hide and seek...
In the director's office.
- Maria Ivanovna, tomorrow a new exceptional student will come to your 9 "G".
- Is it exceptional?
- Yes, he was already expelled from three schools.
After checking, our director came out dry and quickly went uphill.
Why did the director buy blue plates for the school?
A blue plate with red borscht with white sour cream in it - this is our Russian tricolor!
In the director's office.
Petr Ivanovich! We got rats at school!
- No wonder. I initially did not believe in their relationship.
Education: complete fool.
A Tambov schoolboy found a million and handed over the find to the police. The sobbing mother claimed to be very proud of her son.
Crime News: In school library found dead... silence.
Idle woman - organizer children's leisure, head teacher for educational work.
Picky people are very picky teachers.
So that children grasp everything on the fly - teach them on the plane.
Young teachers do not know how to work. But the experienced know how not to work ...
Where do most teachers keep their money? In dreams...
Folk wisdom: "He who gets up early has not yet been reduced..."
Folk wisdom: "Prepare the sleigh in the summer, and the exam in the winter."
15% of excellent students enrolled in USE results at Moscow State University Lomonosov, could not decipher the name of the university.
EG pamaglo mine to enter the prestigious Maskovsky university.
Zavalinka is unsuccessful exams.
“You know, just thinking about him makes my heart pound, my hands shake, my legs give way, I can’t even speak.
- And what is his name?
- USE!
The best way to create a panic at school is to ask everyone to remain calm.
Do you have higher education? Or even two? Do It homework with a 4th grade student according to modern textbooks - feel like an idiot!
The personal opinion of the student is the position of the teacher spoken by him.
If your class teacher is constantly offended by you, then her birthday falls in the summer.
Abramovich's son's teacher died of envy after reading the child's essay on the topic: "How I spent the summer."
At school, on the line on September 1, by tanning, you can determine who will go to college by any means.
The daughter of the President enters the university. Competition - 20 universities per place.
The son of the rector of Moscow State University entered this university without passing exams. Anyone in his place would have done the same.
Guys! I warn you in advance: budget places only those applicants whose family budget exceeds $100,000 can apply for universities in our city.
The tenth grade is not happy: you have a new phone every week, because the old ones are taken away from you?! Be patient for a year, it will be even worse in the army.
At the school named after Putin, the head teacher is the head teacher, not the director.
A Tambov school teacher was detained while trying to receive a bribe with a marked bag of potatoes.
The most unexpected phrase in the school cafeteria "Do you have cash or a card?".
If the student crossed himself before going to the blackboard, then he did not learn the lesson.
It's time for exams. The youth stretched out in the church ...
Librarian Petrova, having downloaded a book from the Internet, carefully, a week later, returns it back to the site...
It has been established that school desks that have served for more than 5 years are not inferior to the walls of Vkontakte in terms of information content.
In the elite school No. 364, a hookah bar was organized in the toilet.
Instead of Moscow schoolchildren, peers from Tajikistan and Moldova go to labor lessons.
The son of a Trudovik and a music teacher graduated from school with two A's.
Everyone sit down and not rock the boat, but come on, let's get my mobiles here.
- It's that robbery
- This is the exam! Recording assignment...
In order for her son to pass all the exams, my mother handed over all the jewelry to a pawnshop.
There is no sadder story in the world than the story of the teachers at the graduation party.
If not for strict teachers, then who would have taught young men to hide alcohol so well.
Order in the school is usually provided by three heroes: Fizruk, Voenruk and Trudovik.
In the director's office.
Do you know what your ohlamon did? He coded the Trudovik. Trudovik came to his senses! Looked around and went to normal work!
Do you know what your ohlamon still did? I took the chemist's passport, ripped out her photo, pasted in a photo of some boy. The chemist was taken into the army!
At the lesson of labor.
You, Petrov, have golden hands! They just grow out of the wrong place!
In Ulyanovsk, a new school drug-horizontal bar has appeared, usually a physical education teacher sits on the horizontal bar.
In Voronezh school No. 13, after the sixth glass, the labor teacher automatically becomes a singing teacher.
A huge problem is that we always have to pay for everything. Soon, even in schools, only physical education, life safety and labor will remain free. Well, yes, you must admit it would be strange to pay for what you skip.
The student surpassed his teacher: the ninth grader Petrov came to work not only drunk, but also with women.
"Bread is the head of everything!" - likes to repeat the head of the school cafeteria, throwing a backpack with meat on his back.
Servelat "Kalacheevsky"! Chocolate "Babaevsky"!! Cognac "Moscow"!!!
- Did your parents congratulate the teacher on the holiday?
Especially for those who like to skip school: We invite you to temperature increase courses!
If earlier “shift” meant an additional set of shoes, now it is a new socket for the iPhone.
Few people know that glamorous schoolchildren write in diamond-shaped notebooks.
And we at our school declared war on tardiness and absenteeism!
So how is it?
Lost...
Yesterday at the bus stop I saw a girl of truly transitional age. She held a cigarette in one hand and a lollipop in the other.
Forty percent of schoolchildren after "graduation" enter the sobering-up station without exams.
The conscience of the hooligan Petrov does not answer or is temporarily unavailable ...
It is the teachers who are to blame for the fact that the children lie - they ask too many questions.
Our teacher never scolds us! Never, never scolds. She hits right away.
Education from good man makes a good student, and from an excellent one an excellent student.
What is the difference between a good student and a bad one?
- The bad ones are beaten by the parents, and the good ones are beaten by the students.
At the lesson.
- Petrov is a big fan of sleeping in class.
- Offend, Mary Ivanna, I am a professional.
The music teacher, when the students sing badly, strikes their lips with a red pen.
After a series of films about Harry Potter, schools began to be more careful to offend little rickety bespectacled people.
In the schools of Mytishchi, if the frost is more than 20 degrees outside, children are officially allowed to smoke at school.
Thirteen-year-old Vasya Shibkoumnov graduated from school as an external student, having passed exams and money for school repairs for the 9th, 10th and 11th grades.
As soon as canceled school uniform, everyone immediately understood who lives how.
Moscow teachers have established:
There are more and more difficult boys in schools, but girls are getting easier and easier ...
Why are there only women in our school?
And because all the best is for children!
Who goes to school in the morning, he enters ... universities!
Those who get up early are told: “Sit down, the lesson is not over yet!”
IN elite schools Moscow reintroduced rods. Now the children of the oligarchs can flog a guilty teacher at any time.
News of education. Happy New Year in elite Russian schools there are glossy cool magazines.
A congress of teachers took place in Moscow. It is allowed to transfer students from class to class with deuces. And so we translate, from the seventh grade to the eighth, from the eighth to the ninth, and from the ninth to the worker!
And I loved to play pranks on teachers at school, put buttons on their chairs ...
- Gentlemen, I put a bouquet of roses on my teacher's chair ... It hurts and it is pleasant for her ...
Do you remember how we closed the chemistry teacher in the laboratory and disrupted the lesson?
Yes Yes!
Yesterday my son came from school, he says, she has already begun to knock more quietly. Apparently, the years are not the same.
The alumni of 1970 come to the reunion evening with only one purpose: to see if the chemist has died.
I only remember from school how my mother brought me to the 1st grade, and in the 11th grade my dad took me away from graduation!
We believe that someone will make it so that teachers and doctors are paid not only by students and patients.
We will make a facsimile with the signature of the parents in 1 hour. Confidentially! Excellent students and good students - discounts.
Nina Vasilievna, can I ask you for chalk?
- For what?
- Circle the fizruk.
Opening at the MHC lesson.
It turns out that Kazimir Malevich painted a TV turned off.
- Whom are you, Mashenka, going to study after school?
- On the architect-oculist!
- And what does he do?
- Builds eyes.
Petrov, why were you late for the lesson?
- Late out of the house.
- Couldn't you have left earlier?
- It was too late to leave earlier ...
Head teacher of the class.
- Guys, you won't have music lessons anymore!
- Why?
Your teacher is on maternity leave.
- Finished it!
The best number of a school concert is a gypsy girl with a way out ... from a crisis.
The State Duma banned the sale of cigarettes closer than 100 meters from schools. Fizruk rejoice. Never before have schoolchildren run a hundred meters with such a desire.
Now schools will be made of transparent material. To prevent children from smoking outside the school.
A little girl with a planer wormed her way into the crowd of graduates.
Traditionally, Russian school martial arts is a fight against laziness.
In villages where there are no schools, high school students run to smoke in the neighboring area.
Teacher:
Half cannot be more or less. Unfortunately, most of the class does not understand this.
Children, we write in the diary: "Tomorrow, the parent meeting, which will be held at 19.00 in the Bolero nightclub ...
Petrov, tell me your father's phone number!
- I won't say...
- A bet, I guess with three strokes.
We have a sign at school that if you lean out the window the night before the exam and ... learn all the tickets, then you will definitely pass.
Scary tale for graduates: "Baba USE".
What does the phrase "Sisyphean labor" mean?
It means useless work. For example, you learned a lesson, but you were not asked!
At the OB lesson.
- When crossing the road, look at the cars, not at the traffic lights. Traffic lights haven't hit anyone yet.
Semyonova whimpers during the exam:
- Mary Ivanna! I don't deserve a two!
- I know, but, unfortunately, we do not have lower ratings!
Why is the worker swearing?
- I picked up from the children!
The teacher of physical education cannot possibly beat the teacher of labor at chess: the Trudovik has carved out two spare queens for himself.
Dismantling Trudovik with schoolchildren.
Who broke the plywood?.. I ask again, who broke the plywood?
- Maybe glass?
- Glass was broken yesterday, I inserted plywood - who broke the plywood?
Labor makes a man out of a monkey, but “teacher's day” makes a monkey out of a Trudovik.
Yesterday, the guys from 6 "B" launched a kite ... into the director's office.
And the sponsor of our school is a new children's search engine Vugl. Want to know a lot - Woogl!
Guys, remember: everything you say on the exam can be used against you!
The student does not know the subject in two cases: either he has not yet passed, or he has already passed.
Teacher:
- I hope, Ivanov, you seriously prepared for the exam?
Ivanov:
- Of course, Eduard Ivanovich. Imagine, I studied day and night.
Teacher:
- Day and night. This is what I represent. I can’t imagine anything else: what can you learn in one day?
Schoolgirl after the exam to the teacher:
Well, I finally passed!
- No, I gave up!
Chinese graduates, going out to the embankment to meet the dawn, turned the mainland.
Olenka was carrying a bell, and four were carrying her.
After the school disco, the children dispersed. So much so that they managed to expose only with the help of the police.
Here the schoolchildren of the polar region were not lucky.
- Why?
- They sometimes have to wait half a year for the dawn after graduation.
Folk omen. If on graduation girl met the dawn without a jacket thrown over her shoulders, then she is ugly.
Leningrad. high school No. 3. 40 years ago.
- Sasha, what do you want to be when you grow up?
- I want to become the President of Russia!
- And you, Petya?
- And I am the President of Russia!
- And you, Volodya?
- And I want to become a truck driver!
- Russia is a country of unfulfilled children's hopes!
On the street, a nice woman approaches a man:
“I think you are the father of one of my children…
Horror Man:
- I?!
- Calm down, - the woman answers, - I'm a teacher.
- Sidorov, wipe the board!
- Maria Ivanovna! She wrote it herself, wipe it herself. Not a lady. We don't have any servants!
Lazy student answer:
We will do it, but not sooner than later.
One very fat girl was transferred to another class, and the school leaned in the other direction.
I bought a plastic bucket. Masha washed the curtains. Ivanov brought two flowers from home. And how did you get away from summer work at school?
Who brought the money to repair the school, five, the rest - get ready to answer!
The theme of today's parent-teacher meeting is "The Beggarly Salary of Public Education Workers."
In South Butovo parent meeting mothers never take off their hats because the teachers steal.
Mary Ivanna, is it possible to punish a person for what he did not do?
- You can't, Vovochka.
- Mary Ivanna, I didn't do my homework!
A new generation of schoolchildren chooses textbooks with covers. We are for safe learning.
The lesson of the alphabet in the first grade ended with an apple.
Vovochka, why are you looking at your watch every minute?
- So, Mary Ivanna, I'm afraid that the call will interrupt this amazingly interesting lesson right now!
The teacher of labor proved that a screw hammered with a hammer holds much stronger than a nail screwed with a screwdriver.
Labor teacher statement:
- In the next two lessons, we will deal with the export of garbage from the school yard.
Fifth-grader Ivanov killed the teacher... with his stupidity.
Mom is not as scary as first graders draw her.
Pedagogical innovation - the method of whip and gag.
State of emergency in kindergarten No. 5: the teacher occupied all the pots with flowers.
Memo to the teacher lower grades: “If two Konstantins are sitting at a desk, immediately seat them, because at a young age the Bones quickly grow together.
During a medical examination at school, the doctor asks Vovochka:
- Do you have any complaints about your nose or ears?
-Eat! They interfere with me when I put on a sweater.
Children, let's show how we learned all the months of the year. Well! Jan...
Vari!
Feb…
Ral!
Now come on!
Art, rel, ah, june, july, dense, november, november, november, amber!
To be on top in all subjects, you need ... to study on the top floor of the school.
A very educated schoolboy, having fallen into the sewer, closed the hatch behind him.
A very frail boy stepped on his gum and was late for school.
Arshavin's son asked for 25 million euros for the transition to the second grade.
In the family of a Trudovik and a teacher of literature, the child reads a new poem every time on a new stool.
Lyusya Petrovna, can I leave the lessons early?
- No.
- Why?
- Have you seen your diary?
- No.
- I haven't seen it in a month.
- And you wipe your glasses.
- Do not be rude.
- You don't yell.
- Ahhh.
- Ahhh.
- Go away.
- I told you to let go.
School number 13 canceled music lessons. The fact is that when the students begin to play the pipe, the teachers line up in columns and go to the sea to drown themselves.
In general, I take 300 rubles for a lesson, but since we are neighbors, you can bring 500 rubles. I know you have money, you recently made repairs.
Yesterday at the lesson of labor 8 "G" turned into people.
MTS, Megafon, Beeline. Teacher's fee. Dial 122333 in the lesson, on your mobile and get ... with a pointer on the head! Teacher fee...
So, it's already five thirty in the morning, the children go to school. Lessons start at eight - well, you still need to smoke, chat.
Russian school:
- Who is absent?
- Justice!
- Right.
I am fluent in Russian, English, French... and in other lessons too.
All you know is the tale of the free higher education. The tale is a lie, but there is a hint in it: twenty bucks for a lesson!
When I was in the seventh grade, a beer stall was set up near the school. And I was in seventh grade for five years.
I am in the 11th grade, I am much smarter than my peers, they are all already in the army, and I will study for 2 more years and all 27 years.
When I was studying, the boys went to smoke for the school, and I smoked for the district, then they noticed me and I began to smoke for the region.
If earlier gifted children of any parents were sent to study abroad...
- Now they send any children, but gifted parents!
And we present to you how the headless horseman studied at school.
- How are you behaving? Come on diary.
- I forgot it at home.
- Have you forgotten your head?
Last year, schoolchildren were sent to Paris, so they studied there for one deuce!
- What were they thinking?
- And they thought that they would be left for the second year ...
He was killed with a heavy, blunt object.
Natural history?!!
I teach English language in three days, by hard beating!
For our happy childhood thank you sex tutorials!
An emergency at a Voronezh school: a sixth grader bit a fifth grader, and a year later the fifth grader ... also became a sixth grader.
New Year is a wonderful holiday when Christmas trees, carnivals, balls are held. Our school has become good tradition hold a New Year's school KVN, where students are happy to prepare for this event, and it is always fun, provocatively, and most importantly, it brings everyone: both participants and fans - a sea of \u200b\u200bpositive.
"The New Year walks the planet."
Purpose of the game: development of the best traditions of the most popular among the youth genre of amateur creativity and improvement of new forms of organization of youth leisure.
Tasks of KVN:
support for the creative initiative of school activists;
development of the KVN movement at school;
identification the best teams KVN among senior classes.
The music sounds "We are starting KVN ..."
Leading: Now the middle school year
Hard frost scares the weather
Nothing! Ahead New Year
He will come to school a little - a little early
Before you hear congratulations
It will affect the mood
We will give you smiles
How can we not forgive mistakes?
Happy New Year everyone, as they say
Plans, your dreams come true
And in the second half of the main,
Let your well-being be glorious.
Good evening guys, teachers and respected members of the jury!
We are starting a meeting of the club of cheerful and resourceful, dedicated to the New Year.
Our game is called "The New Year Walks the Planet", where we hope there will be many songs, jokes, and, of course, congratulations on the upcoming New Year.
Today there are 3 teams:
11A class
11 B class
11th grade
And our New Year's fireworks will be judged by a respected jury:
Evaluation of competitions will be held on 5 - point system.
So, first competition "BUSINESS CARD", where the teams introduce themselves, greet their rivals, respected members of the jury. The request to the teams is to try to meet the time proposed by the regulations.
New Year is a wonderful holiday with songs, games, gifts, and I wonder what New Year is? I’ll check now, if you agree, then clap together, if you don’t agree, stomp.
So what is the New Year?
Is this a friendly dance?
Is this a snowstorm?
Is it a ringing drop?
Are these skis and skates?
Are these hot days?
Is this a Christmas tree?
Is it a noisy masquerade?
Is this Santa Claus?
And a bouquet of scarlet roses?
Well done! I think now there will be a bouquet of smiles, as I give the floor to the jury……….
The next competition WARM-UP, the theme is "The New Year walks the planet", the teams need to show their knowledge in the field of neither mathematics nor physics, but in the field of celebrating the New Year. There are 3 questions for each team. If the team does not respond, there is an opportunity to help the fans from the class.
1 team.
1. What was the name of the ancient Slavic prototype of Santa Claus?
A) snowman
B) Zimnik
B) refrigerator
2. Which country is accepted on New Year's table put " Money Tree»?
A) Japan
To China
3. Is it true that in Portugal there is such a tradition: while the clock strikes 12 times, everyone pulls themselves right hand for the left ear? (-)
2 team.
1. What did Grandfather Zimnik not wear?
A) gloves
B) a headdress
2. In what country is it customary to climb onto chairs and jump off right into the new year with the first strike of the clock?
A) Germany
B) Bulgaria
B) Ireland
3. Is it true that in Albania there is a tradition on the morning of January 1 to drive pigs through the streets of villages? (-)
3 team.
1. With what did the Slavic Grandfather walk in his hands?
A) with an ice stick
B) with an iron mace
B) with a wooden club
2. In which country is it customary to decorate bamboo for the New Year?
B) Norway
B) Vietnam
3. Is it true that in Scotland, with the first stroke of the clock, they open the door to the street and keep it open for up to 12 strikes ?(+)
For fans:
Main actor New Year - Santa Claus. The real appearance of the Russian Santa Claus has long been forgotten and is often confused with Morozko, with Santa Claus. What does it look like real grandfather Freezing?
Do you believe that the gray beard and mustache of Santa Claus symbolize diligence and patience? (-, this is a symbol of power and prosperity)
Do you believe that Santa Claus wraps a white scarf around his neck? (-, D.M. does not wear a scarf)
Do you believe that Santa's belt should be white with red ornaments? (+, as a symbol of the connection between ancestors and descendants).
So, the jury's word, which of the teams turned out to be a New Year's connoisseur?
Next captain competition, it is called " New Year's masquerade, where our captains will present a New Year's costume.
While they are preparing, I invite 1 person from the class.
"Jump into the New Year"
( stretch the ribbon in front of the players , it symbolizes the junction of two years.
How do I name a number? THREE, we all make a jump into the new year, that is, we jump over the ribbon.
New year - favorite holiday,
How beautiful, look.
Let's jump into the new year together
As I say: one, two, five ....
New Year comes at midnight
You look at the clock
How the arrows come together
Let's jump together: one, two. Once.
Round dances around the Christmas tree ....
Come on, Christmas tree, burn!
Our tree will light up
As he hears: once, giving, seven.
We're tired of waiting
THREE time to say
Who jumped, well done!
Who did not jump-cucumber!
So, your way out, captains!
While the jury is summing up, we will play a little with the fans.
The next competition is called "Game with the audience", each team needs to be able to light up the hall with a game or a chant. Who is first? (fans shout New Year's chants or play games))
The floor is given to the jury.
The New Year is the brightest and most memorable holiday, and most importantly, on the New Year, everyone congratulates each other and wishes something to someone . Our last competition is "Happy New Year - musical greetings."
Accept New Year's greetings from class 11A
11b class
11B class
MEMBERS OF THE JURY (the musical number of the jury members can be found in the appendix))
While our esteemed jury is summing up, one more competition
Attention to winter snow-white!
I will name a lot of things, and you will only recognize white.
I'll tell you about white and snow - clap!
And as for anything else - stomp.
Winter… snowball… book… icicle… bunny… fox Christmas tree… snowdrift… ice cream… sausage… bus… seagull… ice… car… apple… candy… Father Frost’s beard.
The floor is given to the jury to sum up the results of our game and reward the teams . (AWARDING)
I would like to end our today's meeting with a New Year's song. Teams out! (can be found in the app)
Fans, join us!!! SING A SONG (CLAPPER)
Leading: Let there be enough tears and disasters in the world, I fulfill the order of the heart:
You have entered youth, but as in childhood, the best holiday new year for you
Eh guys! For good luck, ask heaven together -
let me be appointed a magician - and then miracles will come!
I'll start with the fact that on the planet
Immediately - no deceit, no offense,
The best flowers. What is in the world, let the fan give the girl.
I wish the young men wonderful, to begin with become knights,
Guard all the lovely girls and invite them to the dance as soon as possible.
Do not waste time on smoking, do not poison the girls with tobacco
Try not to lose the humor, the floor is wonderful to entertain together.
I wish vivacity, good luck, let laughter be heard more often,
complex tasks will be resolved, like clockwork, everything will work out for everyone.
Try to do good to people, let everyone be lucky in something
I ask you: smile more often and then the year will be happy.
APPLICATION
Closing song to the tune "Closing the Circle"
If the windows shine bright, buy all the gifts
Serpentine, toys, confetti.
If it smells delicious of tar, from a green lush Christmas tree,
So the new year is on its way.
If we rush on a sled across a snowy meadow
Or we fly along the rink with an arrow
If the carnival swirls and makes us friends forever
So it's yours and mine.
Pr: Soon a merry new year will come to us
May he bring peace and happiness to the whole planet.
Let the snow sparkle, hello a kind person!
May good luck await everyone in the New Year! ..
New Year is a wonderful holiday, he is a merry fellow and a prankster,
Gives people happiness without end
He covers everything with snow, lights Christmas trees everywhere
Filling hearts with joy.
If children's laughter cheerful is heard in palaces and schools
And shines bright Star
If songs, dances are everywhere, if everything around is like in a fairy tale
So the New Year is coming!
Pr: The New Year has come, it's very good!
So we'll be together until next winter
Let the years fly, never be sad
We wish you all good health!
Musical jury number for a melody "If you don't have an aunt"
If you do not have a Christmas tree, and the guests are already right there
No need to run around
In the holiday hour will help you out
Cactus that grew in reserve
He is all in tinsel now.
If you have no idea how to entertain guests
Send them home soon
Let there be no worries in the new year
Doesn't tire people
Nobody takes oxygen.
The orchestra rumbles
New Year is coming to us
Think for yourself, decide for yourself
It will come or it won't.
3.If you do not have a suit in which to go to the holiday
No need to look for him in the Central Department Store
The way out is simple, you are Santa Claus
And got stuck on the way
It's worth it to visit.
The orchestra rumbles
the New Year is coming to us
think for yourself, decide for yourself
will come or not.
New Year's KVN for high school students.
Scenario New Year's KVN for high school students.
New Year's KVN for teams of 10-11 classes can become bright show if the organizers make some effort.
The script contains options for performances for both teams, texts for all competitions, words and remarks of the hosts. It is assumed that children can improvise, add their own words, replicas that are relevant and recognizable in a particular educational team, and play around with other situations. But even if this does not happen, do not worry! After all, the way the guys play the roles proposed to them will already contain elements of improvisation.
Decor and costumes. Children play themselves, so there is no need to make any special costumes, except for the costumes of Santa Claus and the Snow Maiden. A student playing the role of Teacher or Director can simply hang a sign with the name of the teacher or with the inscription "Director" on his chest. In general, costumes should be made as primitive as possible - one or two details are enough to create a recognizable image. For example, to the Director - hats, the manager - a blue robe, glasses and bills, Santa Claus - a red cap and a fluffy beard. But the costumes of Santa Claus and the Snow Maiden should be as natural and bright as possible.
Command appearance. You can, of course, make emblems with the names of the teams, but they will not look from the audience. Therefore, it is better to make one copy and immediately give it to the jury for use during scoring. To make it clear from the audience where which team is, it is better to attach their names on the back of the stage, and each team will always stand next to its name.
Props: carved cardboard frame for a TV, balloons, bow and arrows, a large candy, textbooks (3 pieces), a big shoe, slippers, galoshes, black cars cut out of cardboard, a head of cabbage, Christmas tree beads.
Musical arrangement:
Phonograms of songs:
- "Song of the disguised Bremen Town Musicians"(from the m / f" The Bremen Town Musicians ");
- “One day the world will bend under us” (group “Time Machine”);
- “Tired toys are sleeping” (words by 3. Petrova, music by A. Ostrovsky);
- "Black Boomer" (Serega);
- "White Roses" (group "Tender May").
Fans can be offered the following "chants":
We support you guys
Our tenth class will win!
Even though you burst
Though that crack
And "Bang-Bang"
At the first place!
Our team is class!
Our team is strength!
Love for your team
United us all!
We want anyone
To say without unnecessary phrases,
What's the best today
Eleventh grade!
In winter, and in summer, and in the cold, and in the heat,
"Generation Pi" - we are always with you!
Adults know this
Children know this
Our generation"
The best in the world!!!
For greater entertainment, you can give the fans sultans, pipes, flags.
Music sounds. Leaders take the stage.
Leading. Attention, attention, the New Year's meeting of the Club of cheerful and resourceful is declared open!
Leading. We invite teams to the stage!
Leading. An 11th grade team called Generation Pi.
Leading. And a 10th grade team called “Bang-Bang!”
Solemn music sounds. Teams enter the stage and line up at an angle on both sides of the stage.
Leading. Our today's competitions will be judged by a jury. (Introduces the members of the jury.)
Leading. The winners will be rewarded with a New Year's cake.
Leading. So, we announce the first competition - "Greetings".
Leading. Under the terms of this competition, the team must introduce themselves, explain the name.
Leading. We invite the team "Bang-bang" to the stage.
10th grade performance
Musical intro (melody "Songs of disguised Bremen town musicians").
A chair is brought to the edge of the stage. The captain sits on a chair with a notebook and a pen. A student comes to the middle of the stage holding a poster with the text: "Recruitment to the KVN team." After showing the poster, she moves to the edge of the stage and stands next to the captain.
Captain. Something a bad day today. Not a single marksman!
Pupil. Yes, write down anyone! Otherwise, we will not recruit a team!
Captain. Next!
A student in the costume of a medieval armored man enters the middle of the stage. He leads by the hand the Kid in short pants with a huge hot air balloon in hand.
Captain. Can you shoot?
Latnik. Yes, yes, a little. Sometimes I get. Through time.
Captain. Well, show me what you can do.
The kid goes to the opposite edge of the stage and raises the ball over his head. The man-at-arms removes the bow from his back, inserts an arrow and shoots the arrow into the ball. The kid pierces the ball with a needle. There is a loud bang.
Captain. Yes, no question. We are adding you to our team!
The armored man takes the Kid by the hand and stands in the middle of the stage.
Pupil. Next!
A student dressed as a punk enters.
Punk. Hey, bro, do you smoke? Give me a cigarette!
Captain. Yes, I don't smoke. Maybe you want some candy? (Pulls out candy from pocket.)
Punk. Alright, give me some candy!
Pupil. So! Record this too!
Captain. For what?
Pupil. Did he shoot you candy?
Captain. Shot!
Pupil. Got it?
Captain. Got it!
Pupil. Congratulations to our team of marksmen! (Shakes the punk's hand.)
Punk stands next to Latnik. Two students come on stage, coquettishly spinning.
Coquette 1. Hello, are you recording this in KVN?
Captain. You are not suitable for us.
Pupil. We only take well-aimed shooters!
Coquette 2. And we know how we can shoot!
Captain. Well, shoot.
Coquette 1(nudges friend with elbow) Come on!
The two of them stare at the captain of the team. He falls off the chair.
Coquette 1. Oops, looks like they overdid it!
Captain(getting up from the floor). Girls, we didn't agree that we should shoot to kill!
Pupil. Yes, we take both! (Fanning the captain with a poster.)
Latnik. Yes, beauty is a terrible force!
The coquettes stand next to the Latnik and the Kid.
The captain approaches the team members.
Captain(looks at the team members and takes his head). Who have we recruited? After all, KVN does not need beauty, but wit. There it is necessary to kill the opponent on the spot with a joke!
Pupil. Come on, let's fight somehow!
Latnik. We'll hit someone, that's for sure!
Baby. At least once!
Captain. Why is this one here?
Baby. And I will parry the blows.
Captain. Okay, we take you on the role of a punching bag, and who will joke?
Pupil. What, thrown out again?
Joker. Threw it away. Biologist.
All. For what?
Joker. And I asked what is the difference between Santa Claus and the Snow Maiden.
All. And she?
Joker. And she said that I was vulgar and I had only nasty things on my mind.
Coquette 1. A c chemistry you for what?
Joker. Yes, as always, for nothing! He brought a can of laughing gas, and everyone laughed!
Coquette 2. Ace mathematician?
Joker. Well, he said that I know only one triangle - love!
Captain. Listen, but you're exactly what we need just desperately!
Joker. For what?
Pupil. To the KVN team!
Joker(rubs hands). Good!
Captain. Only... (Looks around and leans towards the Joker) Between us. So how is Santa Claus different from the Snow Maiden?
Joker. So Santa Claus has a clasp on right side, and at the Snow Maiden - on the left!
Captain. Ah-ah-ah!
A song is performed to the tune of "Songs of the Disguised Bremen Town Musicians".
To be honest, we are not supermen,
We shoot jokes only in KVN.
Maybe sometimes we shoot past.
But sick of shooting, but sick of shooting,
But sick with shooting is incurable.
We are ka, we are ve, we are enshchiks,
Fans recognize us
We are just KVN workers,
Entertainers, skirmishers.
We shoot accurately sometimes sweets,
And we can shoot a joke with a caustic.
And if the eyes of the coquette are shot,
Then immediately on the spot, then immediately on the spot,
Then they will immediately put it on the spot!
We are ka, we are ve, we are enshchiks,
Fans recognize us
We are just kavanshchiki,
Entertainers, skirmishers.
Leading. Thanks to the Pip-Bang team. We listen and watch the greeting of the Generation Pi team.
11th grade performance
All team members take the stage.
Student 1. Oh wow, what a name. What is "pi"?
Student 2. Well, if "pi" is beer, I'm for it!
Student 3. And I'm against it! I don't drink beer!
Pupil 4. Well, then "pi" is Pepsi.
Student 5. The generation that chooses Pepsi!
All. Her!
Student 6. I don't drink Pepsi either, it has so many calories!
Pupil 7. And then the Pepsi generation is already our moms and dads!
Student 8. Oh, I figured it out! "Pi" is a piercing!
Pupil 9. This is already something! But not everyone has it!
Pupil 10. I have, for example, only 4 additional holes!
Student 1. And I have 14!
